Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Pinksoul on December 29, 2013, 11:25:56 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Hello. Intro to a story of a girl who wasn't..,
Post by: Pinksoul on December 29, 2013, 11:25:56 AM
Post by: Pinksoul on December 29, 2013, 11:25:56 AM
Where to start? I am not good at this, so sorry if seems choppy or like I ramble.
I am 45 years old, and a single fulltime father to a teenage son. I have from my earliest of memories wanted to be a girl, but being youngest sibling of six, two older sisters, and three older brothers, and having a homo-phobic jock father, I learned to hide my feelings. My brothers are all jocks, I however despised sports, so my father never even gave me the time of day because of. I grew up very close to my mother, which was hard because I so wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship. I don't know though if she knew or suspected? because she always took me with her shopping. So many times I so desperately wanted to tell her how I wish I could be a girl. She always commented how she liked to take me with her because I never complained about taking so long, and she had someone to talk with all day.
I was teased a lot by two of my older brothers, one especially. He always used to call me gay slurs, and sissy, and call me a girl. I always would get upset, but I so wish I could just say, YES, I am a girl!! One aspect he always teased me about was the size of my genitals, which were very small. I remember when I had my 8th grade physical, I was afraid to let doctor check for hernia because of my shame from his teasing. My brother was with me and my mom, as he had a physical too. He kept teasing me rest of the day saying I wouldn't let doctor examine me because I was afraid he would see I was a girl, my mom responded by telling my brother to leave me alone, maybe I was her special girl. I never asked what she meant (looking back I see as clue she knew).
Fast forward a few years, where at this time, I was more afraid, because I didn't like girls the way others did, I liked boys, but I dare not let anyone know, plus to me it felt wrong, because I wanted the boys to like me, but to like me as a girl, which I wasn't. So, I started to try to be like my brothers, rough, and strong, I lifted weights, I learned how to fight, which made my dad happy. But, I still was close to my mom, and continued to go with her, and as I started to drive, she had me drive her. Looking back, I see she knew, but I couldn't see it. We were sitting outside with a friend of hers, and my mom was talking about her cancer surgery, and where they removed the lymph nodes under her arms. She laughed and told her it felt like she had another vagina. Then she turned to me and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You haven't gotten yours yet". I was so terrified when she said that. I thought she was just teasing me like my brother always did.
A short time later, after the first gulf strike, I received a draft branch confirmation letter. My mom was afraid they would call up the draft, and she said I couldn't go anyway, she would just tell them I was really a girl and they couldn't take me. At time I thought it was being teased again, because my one brother was there and was laughing at that.
Well, I stayed closeted, and my mother passed away from cancer. My father for first time started to talk to me, begging me to stay in his house so he wasn't alone. I met a few years later my wife. I figured getting married would cure me of wishing I could be a girl, at that time a woman. My father passed just before the wedding. A few years later we had a son, but when he was very young, I revealed myself to my wife. Actually, she figured it out when she asked me if I wished I was a girl? without me telling her, but I did confirm her question. We stayed together for few years despite that, but the marriage dissolved for other reasons. After the divorce I started the transition process, having been to a therapist already. I had a laser session on my face, and a doctor who specializes in transgender patients started me on HRT. My ex, having discovered this threatened to make sure I would never be allowed to see my son again if I continued to change into a woman, so I stopped because I at the time had joint custody., and I loved my son so much.
I tried to live as a gay man then, as I was still attracted to men, but it didn't work for me, because I had to envision myself as female for any type of intimacy. I came out to one sister during that time, and she in turn told everyone. She did however inform me that in my mothers journals, which my mother kept in her last year before her death, she had mentioned how she loved me more than the others, and how she wished I had been a girl, and would one day admit it myself. (Yes, my mom knew, I so wish I came out to her years ago, she might have helped me to transition.)
I tried my best to bury my transsexual feelings, which outwardly would appear that I have, but inside, it has been tearing me apart. Since I stopped the transition process, I have had a few major medical issues, two of which were battles with cancer myself. In-between my two battles with cancer, my son has came to live with me full-time. I told him about my desire to be a woman, but he already knew, as his mom told him years ago. He just asked me to please wait until he graduates high school before I have any surgeries to become a woman. He is fearful of bullying from other students. He said he will have no problem when he is out of high school, as friends then will be older and more mature, and he won't be forced to be in a classroom all day with those who may not be. So I promised him I would wait, I've waited this long already, but I am determined that the summer after he graduates high school, I will undergo SRS so that I can finally, after all of these years live as the woman I so desperately want to be.
I am 45 years old, and a single fulltime father to a teenage son. I have from my earliest of memories wanted to be a girl, but being youngest sibling of six, two older sisters, and three older brothers, and having a homo-phobic jock father, I learned to hide my feelings. My brothers are all jocks, I however despised sports, so my father never even gave me the time of day because of. I grew up very close to my mother, which was hard because I so wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship. I don't know though if she knew or suspected? because she always took me with her shopping. So many times I so desperately wanted to tell her how I wish I could be a girl. She always commented how she liked to take me with her because I never complained about taking so long, and she had someone to talk with all day.
I was teased a lot by two of my older brothers, one especially. He always used to call me gay slurs, and sissy, and call me a girl. I always would get upset, but I so wish I could just say, YES, I am a girl!! One aspect he always teased me about was the size of my genitals, which were very small. I remember when I had my 8th grade physical, I was afraid to let doctor check for hernia because of my shame from his teasing. My brother was with me and my mom, as he had a physical too. He kept teasing me rest of the day saying I wouldn't let doctor examine me because I was afraid he would see I was a girl, my mom responded by telling my brother to leave me alone, maybe I was her special girl. I never asked what she meant (looking back I see as clue she knew).
Fast forward a few years, where at this time, I was more afraid, because I didn't like girls the way others did, I liked boys, but I dare not let anyone know, plus to me it felt wrong, because I wanted the boys to like me, but to like me as a girl, which I wasn't. So, I started to try to be like my brothers, rough, and strong, I lifted weights, I learned how to fight, which made my dad happy. But, I still was close to my mom, and continued to go with her, and as I started to drive, she had me drive her. Looking back, I see she knew, but I couldn't see it. We were sitting outside with a friend of hers, and my mom was talking about her cancer surgery, and where they removed the lymph nodes under her arms. She laughed and told her it felt like she had another vagina. Then she turned to me and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You haven't gotten yours yet". I was so terrified when she said that. I thought she was just teasing me like my brother always did.
A short time later, after the first gulf strike, I received a draft branch confirmation letter. My mom was afraid they would call up the draft, and she said I couldn't go anyway, she would just tell them I was really a girl and they couldn't take me. At time I thought it was being teased again, because my one brother was there and was laughing at that.
Well, I stayed closeted, and my mother passed away from cancer. My father for first time started to talk to me, begging me to stay in his house so he wasn't alone. I met a few years later my wife. I figured getting married would cure me of wishing I could be a girl, at that time a woman. My father passed just before the wedding. A few years later we had a son, but when he was very young, I revealed myself to my wife. Actually, she figured it out when she asked me if I wished I was a girl? without me telling her, but I did confirm her question. We stayed together for few years despite that, but the marriage dissolved for other reasons. After the divorce I started the transition process, having been to a therapist already. I had a laser session on my face, and a doctor who specializes in transgender patients started me on HRT. My ex, having discovered this threatened to make sure I would never be allowed to see my son again if I continued to change into a woman, so I stopped because I at the time had joint custody., and I loved my son so much.
I tried to live as a gay man then, as I was still attracted to men, but it didn't work for me, because I had to envision myself as female for any type of intimacy. I came out to one sister during that time, and she in turn told everyone. She did however inform me that in my mothers journals, which my mother kept in her last year before her death, she had mentioned how she loved me more than the others, and how she wished I had been a girl, and would one day admit it myself. (Yes, my mom knew, I so wish I came out to her years ago, she might have helped me to transition.)
I tried my best to bury my transsexual feelings, which outwardly would appear that I have, but inside, it has been tearing me apart. Since I stopped the transition process, I have had a few major medical issues, two of which were battles with cancer myself. In-between my two battles with cancer, my son has came to live with me full-time. I told him about my desire to be a woman, but he already knew, as his mom told him years ago. He just asked me to please wait until he graduates high school before I have any surgeries to become a woman. He is fearful of bullying from other students. He said he will have no problem when he is out of high school, as friends then will be older and more mature, and he won't be forced to be in a classroom all day with those who may not be. So I promised him I would wait, I've waited this long already, but I am determined that the summer after he graduates high school, I will undergo SRS so that I can finally, after all of these years live as the woman I so desperately want to be.
Title: Re: Just an intro, and hello..,
Post by: Devlyn on December 29, 2013, 11:36:12 AM
Post by: Devlyn on December 29, 2013, 11:36:12 AM
Hi Pinksoul, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Someone will be along shortly with a rules pamphlet for you. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Just an intro, and hello..,
Post by: Emo on December 29, 2013, 11:48:10 AM
Post by: Emo on December 29, 2013, 11:48:10 AM
first of all, welcome to susans! ^__^
second, wow.
your son is a very mature and accepting person. you raised him right.
im glad youll finally get your wish. i feel the same way towards guys in relationships. but im bi... ish. lol.
hopefully youll find immediate acceptance hre as many others have including me. should be easy since everyone here is super nice. :p
second, wow.
your son is a very mature and accepting person. you raised him right.
im glad youll finally get your wish. i feel the same way towards guys in relationships. but im bi... ish. lol.
hopefully youll find immediate acceptance hre as many others have including me. should be easy since everyone here is super nice. :p
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: LordKAT on December 29, 2013, 12:00:42 PM
Post by: LordKAT on December 29, 2013, 12:00:42 PM
Your story is like mine in many ways. That wait til they were out of high school was almost too much. Welcome to Susan's.
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: LJP on December 29, 2013, 02:55:48 PM
Post by: LJP on December 29, 2013, 02:55:48 PM
Welcome pink. This site has a wealth of info and helpful ppl. Good luck on your journey.
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: Donna Elvira on December 29, 2013, 03:33:20 PM
Post by: Donna Elvira on December 29, 2013, 03:33:20 PM
Hi Pinksoul and welcome to Susan's.
As another late transitioner with children, 2 girls and a boy, you may be interested in knowing that my son, now 24 was and remains, by far the most supportive of the three.
A detail in your story also particularly caught my attention, as a young kid, my mother used to take me everywhere with her on a seat attached over the backwheel of her bike saying how much she liked to have me with her.
Funny how other people's stories can remind you of things you had completely forgotten and you should quickly find out that reading other people's stories, questions, doubts and answers here is as good a therapy as you could possibly find.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna
As another late transitioner with children, 2 girls and a boy, you may be interested in knowing that my son, now 24 was and remains, by far the most supportive of the three.
A detail in your story also particularly caught my attention, as a young kid, my mother used to take me everywhere with her on a seat attached over the backwheel of her bike saying how much she liked to have me with her.
Funny how other people's stories can remind you of things you had completely forgotten and you should quickly find out that reading other people's stories, questions, doubts and answers here is as good a therapy as you could possibly find.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on December 29, 2013, 05:10:52 PM
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on December 29, 2013, 05:10:52 PM
Hi Pinksoul, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 9107 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(
Welcome to our little family. Over 9107 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fanimations.fg-a.com%2FBack412a.gif&hash=a9ae4e4ae245e02788d56f99a8c4cedb2f27f18c)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: Devlyn on December 30, 2013, 07:23:07 AM
Post by: Devlyn on December 30, 2013, 07:23:07 AM
There's the aforementioned rules pamphlet! :)
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: KabitTarah on December 30, 2013, 08:26:57 AM
Post by: KabitTarah on December 30, 2013, 08:26:57 AM
Pink, you have a very touching story... :'(
I wish you well in whatever you choose to do and I'm glad you have acceptance in your son. Your mother really did know and it sounds like you loved her very much.
I'm more than happy to talk anytime we're on chat!
♥
I wish you well in whatever you choose to do and I'm glad you have acceptance in your son. Your mother really did know and it sounds like you loved her very much.
I'm more than happy to talk anytime we're on chat!
♥
Title: Re: Hello. Just an intro, (kind of long)..,
Post by: gennee on December 30, 2013, 01:16:06 PM
Post by: gennee on December 30, 2013, 01:16:06 PM
Hi Pinksoul and welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story.
:)
:)