Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I feel really upset right now about my mom and my sister. I have brought a house in the spring. Ever since I told that I was transgender and want to seek transition in the fall, my mom gave me ultimatums that she would not move in with me if  I have anything to do with females. Today when I went home I told my mom I enjoy my freedom and dont mind living alone. Now shes crying to me that I dont want her. If she lives with me, she would make me live in hell by trying to stop my transition etc.

Sounds like maybe you're the one that needs to give her the ultimatum.

It is a tough spot to be in. She has lived her life, it is time for you to live yours. Can you live happy and productive without transition? I am not trying to be mean it is just under her roof you were accountable to her. Who do you think should be accountable under YOURS? Be kind and compassionate with her, but with yourself as well. I know this is not an answer, but maybe food for thought. Good luck!  :)

If I were you, I would stick to my plans to transition if that is what I wanted to do and simply tell her that if she were to move in, she would need to deal with it eventually. I wouldn't jump right into ultimatums, those can be so damaging to any chances of working things out. Give her some time, but just don't waffle on your plans or she could see an opening...

I agree with both jessica and n/a. you need to be your self, do a slow transition, dont put ultimatums out, this isnt a tit for tat.

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 01, 2014, 06:10:56 PM
Sounds like maybe you're the one that needs to give her the ultimatum.

no kidding

I wouldnt give an ultimatum, but I am just going to continue my course to transition. If she wants to live with me she can be more than welcome to stay if she likes. But I dont want to not transition because its what she wants out of me. I will be undergoing a slow transition because of work circumstances until I enjoy my goals. Right now my mom is blaming my therapists for everything going on about me.

Quote from: izzy on January 01, 2014, 06:28:53 PM
Right now my mom is blaming my therapists for everything going on about me.

This should be good, what did he do? *giggle* ;D

Your life, your rules.

that would be a neat trick, a therapist making some one trans....... How does that happen again?????

Quote from: Sheala on January 01, 2014, 07:43:47 PM
that would be a neat trick, a therapist making some one trans....... How does that happen again?????

I have a loving family but they have serious denial issues when it comes to me being transgender. She also insists I get medications for being transgender. I do admit. I need HRT and thats what I am going to do.

hey it is medication right lmao

Quote from: izzy on January 01, 2014, 07:48:12 PM
She also insists I get medications for being transgender.

Does this medication make you wake up female? I WANT ONE! Who knew, all this time with losing friends, family, etc., all we had to do was take a pill.  ;D

You just need to be yourself and not let others influence you and your decisions. Keep in mind that others have motivations that aren't always in your best interest. I know...easier said than done, but most of the time when someone doesn't want you to pursue something it's because they are afraid of change and how it will affect them.

I don't know your mother (obviously) but it sounds like she may have a touch of narcissism. Have you discussed her with your therapist? Either way, it sounds like you have the right attitude toward her. Stay strong!

Your house, your life, your rules.

I would put an ad in the local paper & online where she will see it for a housemate wanted. She'll get the picture that you are doing this for you and if she wants to be apart of your life, she'll come around

Your situation is the same for countless trans people. It boils down to whether one wants to live their life to their own expectations, or do they cave to the expectations of other people.

I would say the majority of trans people never live up to their potential. Instead they hide and present to the world someone they are not. If that's cool with them great. On the other hand the sad part is the person that lives for years and then finally does do what they have to do and looks back at all those lost years.

Katie

Not sure about you moving on but I wouldn't let her move in... sounds like misery is the only possibility for you in that situation.

Quote from: izzy on January 01, 2014, 07:48:12 PM
I have a loving family but they have serious denial issues when it comes to me being transgender. She also insists I get medications for being transgender. I do admit. I need HRT and thats what I am going to do.

OK, that is funny.

Wow,

Imagine living with someone who every time you do something says "women don't do that".  Who tells you that you don't look like a woman when you dress – even in men's clothes?  Who tells you that you are destroying your life and theirs with it -  for no apparent reason: kind of like saying "Hi, your destroying my life.  Did you sleep well?".  Who then reminds you of every failure you ever had and that this will even be worse? 

It isn't fun.  Trust me, I know...

Your house, your rules.

Hugs,

Jen   

Oh my. In the scheme of things because I cannot trust my parents, and never could. I didn't come out to my mom till I litterally owned her house as well as my own.(dad deceased when I was 20) While this puts a considerable damper on our relationship it's a bit obtuse to have her lay out peculiar rules of her house. I am disappointed that she will not attend my upcoming surgery, or eventual wedding regardless of who I was to wed. She just can't wrap her head around it.

I do feel like I have to set some type of rule. i feel depressed just thinking about the confrontation about my mom, its kind of sad. But I need to move through and I feel like I cant delay transitioning because of them. In some respects, I feel like everyone has their motives and own opinions. I generally feel that they think how i feel is trivial. Just today My mom was insisting that her husband should act more manly. and my mom again wanted me to agree with her. I kind of cant stand living with her. I know she tries to sneak around etc to control me and to put me down everytime. I feel l am living in an environment based on shame and I feel I should have to put up with such a toxic environment.

Quote from: izzy on January 05, 2014, 04:30:18 PM
But I need to move through and I feel like I cant delay transitioning because of them. In some respects, I feel like everyone has their motives and own opinions. I generally feel that they think how i feel is trivial.

BINGO--especially the part I underlined.

Are you familiar with a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward? If not, you should. You should also looking into narcissism, especially in parents. I learned so much about me, my mother, and my family dynamics. It might help. Our mothers sound very similar.

Good luck--I know it's not easy. I lived with my mom for about a year while I was underemployed. It was a horrible year, but I don't think I'd be transitioning now if it had not been for the strength I gained during that time.

Jane

PS. I am not out to her yet and I'm not sure how she'll react, but I am at the point that I don't care. I know that sounds harsh, but that's the reality of the situation.

Izzy,

I totally know what it's like to love family and want to be there for them.  You are a good child for that and you have my respect.  However, you really can't let family hold you back.  I know it's rich coming from me, but you can't let them define who you are and control you.  The fact is it's your home and your life.  This is something your mother has no control over at the end of the day.  I too know what it's like to live in a controlling environment and know how much approval from others can mean, but with this mindset you are letting others have to much say over your own life.  Don't let not having validation from family destroy your dreams. While I really can't tell you how to proceed (there are way too many factors involved, and this is a subject I haven't solved for myself) I do hope you consider your own happiness and well being before you come to any conclusive decision.  While family is important, so are you.  Maybe there is a way to balance everything, but that's a decision you'll have to make.  At the end of the day, this is a complex situation and only you can know for sure what's right, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.  I just hope you realize that you have the right to be happy and live for yourself.  Good luck with everything, and I really hope it all works out.