Susan's Place Transgender Resources

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It sounds like you have some sorting to do in your own mind. Working it out with a therapist probably is a good idea. You may do well with one you have or you may need to find one more versed in gender issues. I want you to know that there are others who switch between genders regularly, called bigender as I recall. It doesn't make you abnormal in any way, just a bit different than the average person. I hope you can work things out and give yourself some peace of mind.

Hi baby! My question is this, can you live a happy and productive life without a possible transition? Also, If you do not transition can you deal with this struggle every day for the rest of your life without going bonkers? Do you see yourself in a healthy, sexual relationship as a man or as a woman? I can tell you from personal experience that in my life this struggle got to the point it almost literally killed me. These feelings, inner conflict that you described, I had. They only became more powerful every year that went by. Every minute of every day was a constant struggle wanting to be female and expected by others to stay male. I used so much energy every day with the struggle that work and family started to suffer greatly. I have periods of time I can't remember it drove me so insane. The day I said enough and started the transition process, it all mostly went away. I felt like a battleship had been lifted off of me. Anyway, if your life is starting to suffer, work, family, relationship or other severe issue's, you really need to tell your therapist and let that person guide and help you. We all had to have that talk. It is not easy, but oh is it freeing. Good luck baby!  :)

Kristin,

I can very much identify with not wanting to transition of even admit to be thinking of it as anything other than a fantasy because of being comfortable in my male persona.  I also identified with elements in many other parts of your post.

For me, this came to a head about this time last year.  When I got home from the ER, I realised that I couldn't continue to convince myself that all the trans stuff in my head was "just fantasy".

I started with therapy.  I felt certain that there was no way I could escape going on HRT, but I wanted to see if I could find a way.  So, even after both my wife & my therapist started suggesting I try HRT in early March, I held off on going for it until May.  The anti-androgen I started on in May provided near instant relief from the involuntary erections (think 14-year-old hyperactive male libido for 30 years without a break).  Once I started taking estrogen in June, the obsession & compulsion left me within 2-3 days.  The emotional changes from that have been wonderful (especially from my wife's viewpoint).

I have great difficulty letting go of things.  I still have many of my school & college notes & homework books from 20-30 years ago.  Transition involves letting go of a very large portion of my life.  I have been completely emotionally unprepared to take this on, but I reached a point where I couldn't see any way of keeping going without at least taking HRT.

Because of the conflict between needing to do something to contain the dysphoria and being terrified to let go of anything, I have found myself more suicidal this past year than at any other point in my life.  The weekly therapist sessions have been necessary.  Even more essential have been the many, many conversations I have had with others who are trans & with cis friends to whom I have come out.

It has been a long year.  I have become more willing to let go of at least some of the physical & emotional baggage that has been holding me down for years (decades, even).  I am becoming more OK with becoming Tessa, even allowing myself to consider the possibility of being Tessa most of the time.

I have a long way to go.  I still present as male all of the time.  I rarely wear obviously female attire - & then only at home. 

I feel more hopeful about my life this New Year than I have for several years.  I attribute this entirely to finding the courage to accept that I needed to stop pretending the desires to be female were "just fantasies" and going to see a therapist who could guide me through the mess in my head.  Everything else has stemmed from there.

Good luck! .... If you are anywhere like the place I was at a year ago, you're going to need it.

Tessa.

On the "am I trans" question, when I was struggling with the same thing, a very wise friend told me two things. First, cis people never question their gender, pretty much ever. Second no one ever gets "less trans".

Good luck Kristin. I was where you are about a year and a half ago. Now I'm living full time as a woman and totally thrilled with nearly all parts of my life.