Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was just looking at pictures of myself since I graduated high school in '09 and found an excellent beach pic of my dad and I after I finished a triathlon race. Looking at it I'm finding myself missing that body. It was at the peak of my physical fitness which would last another year. Part of me misses having that physique, being so lean from losing 30lb+ and having that lean defined look. It was the only time where I was actually happy being a guy, being insanely fit and competitive for myself and winning age group awards. Don't get me wrong I love my feminine body, I love my curves, soft skin, muscle, fat in all the right places, boobs and hair. I love being happy within my body and gender, I'm just finding myself missing it and feeling a part of myself I began loving is just now a fond memory. BTW my dad and I have raced together since I was 13 almost 10 years ago.

11th September, 2011
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/299771_2393351678033_817395054_n.jpg)

Fit and feminine are not mutually exclusive!  :)

Well it was having that attractive masculine body I miss oddly. I guess because I lost the weight and really rocked it.

Your hairline started receding quite a lot at an early age by the looks of it. Very similar to me at age 20. If you don't mind me asking, were you losing it at the back too? I see from the recent pics you've posted elsewhere that you've had amazing and significant regrowth over the last year, if you were losing any hair on the back did it regrow there too?

Do you still race with your dad?

No just upfront I was losing hair and it always sucked. I am amazed that I grew so much back too I'm a matter of months. I kind of do. I'm really thinking of taking a hiatus this year and not doing the ironman though.

What in particular do you miss?  The fit aspect of it or the masculine traits?  Would you be content to be fit and muscular with a female body or would that also make you feel a sense of loss?

I guess I'm grieving at the loss of my old body and the masculinity it once had. I was lean and had definition something which I don't really want anymore in my body but I still do miss. I like the 25lb I gained and the curves that came along.

Quote from: Riley Skye on January 05, 2014, 01:57:33 AM
I guess I'm grieving at the loss of my old body and the masculinity it once had. I was lean and had definition something which I don't really want anymore in my body but I still do miss. I like the 25lb I gained and the curves that came along.

Do you think there is a part of you that misses it because of the memories and attachment it brings?  I can't help but notice that's a very nice photo of you and your father.  Is there a chance it's not so much about your body and more about the attachment to the competitions and the environment?  I'm just noticing you are happy with your current body and no longer desire to have the old one, so I wonder if the sense of loss is really from something else.   

Honestly I have no idea why, I saw the picture and just got upset over it. Just missing something about it. I would never go back yet I'm missing it like an old dog. It carried me many places and took years to get to where I was. And thanks, teaching in the Hamptons was tough but fun.

Quote from: Riley Skye on January 05, 2014, 02:11:29 AM
Honestly I have no idea why, I saw the picture and just got upset over it. Just missing something about it. I would never go back yet I'm missing it like an old dog. It carried me many places and took years to get to where I was. And thanks, teaching in the Hamptons was tough but fun.

This week a friend sent some pictures from their wedding with my wife and I in it from May 2013. I couldn't believe how much I've changed since then. Like yourself I got upset about it because I looked so masculine and never want to look that way ever again. In my mind I always felt feminine and the physical appearance back then I had looked so alien to me.

Each day I wake up I seem to get more feminine slowly but surely. Although some days when I look in the mirror, I look more feminine that other, but overall I am becoming more feminine looking over time  :)

Riley

I know exactly how you feel.
I used to compete in Tri's professionally for a few years including Hawaii and was happy with my skinny boy body back then.
It was fun racing Ironman's with the very best head to head but it did hurt a bit. :laugh:

Then I got very sick and nearly died and put on 20kg after being so sick. I was not given the night to live, true story.
Training partners went on to big things after, Olympic Gold, World # ones, World champions and multi Hawaii Ironman winners.
As I used to beat them up before getting sick it made me very sad as what could have been. I did try to get back but the sickness took it,s toll and I was never the same again.

Yes I look at old race pictures that bring back great memories and feel a bit sad.
However I am loving the changes so far on E like you so be happy and keep fit as there's nothing wrong with that. ;D

Jen

Riley, dear :) Now, please do not take any offence in what I will say, but I would not say that Your former body looked very masculine. It looked very fit and lean and on the peak of endurance and stamina feats, but IMHO it was quite androgynous for start - which You should be extremely proud of, btw - and thus You had such excellent results with HRT so quickly (though probably Your age played a lot in this too!) :). So there is probably no need to mourn as You got those nice extra curves on that fit and lean body :)

It really is OK to admire aspects of who we once were isn't it? 

That's the person who carried us thru hell and high water to get here today.  I once had the endurance to confidently cycle over a hundred miles a day.  Hurdles beyond athletic measure await us now.

After decades of being "him" i honor that life by taking my "given" first name as my new middle name.

Tessa James

I understand what you mean. I'm fairly active now as is (Mountain biking, running, weight lifting) and I fear its not going to help the loss of muscle mass and tone to try and look more feminine. Going to give up weight lifting, but I dont know if I'm ready (Plus lycra is great :D) to give up mountain biking (Maybe it'll help have a good ass?)

I used to bodybuild and really push myself into developing an athletic physique

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1284.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa579%2Fbardoux1%2FNbtGkHLdhFTVbLWgWcgqOhYjYPEBSNUpbJmB_zps3c841442.jpg&hash=f4a7d7b6ccfa2d68b735d3ff3ef5062cc5b7c3e8)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1284.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa579%2Fbardoux1%2FyEeXvqHqZpVsQEcYxZaOBbUMcEenrzNrgrIC-610xh_zps6d730b67.jpg&hash=4920a43d96cd73b2cd99174d9a330175a3a0d1cc)

Don't have one from my peak but put on a ton of defined muscle before starting HRT. i was in some serious denial. At the same token though i find athletic women very attractive, and intend to start some light toning up after many years of HRT. I do miss the shape and how nice a sculpted shape looks in clothes.

There are days when i think of trying to revert back. On new years day two guys were talking quite loudly behind my back at a train station, asking what the hell is that? and making vomiting sounds. This was in male presentation, hair up, no make up etc. Kind of hurts

Quote from: Bardoux on January 05, 2014, 05:28:55 AM
I used to bodybuild and really push myself into developing an athletic physique

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1284.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa579%2Fbardoux1%2FNbtGkHLdhFTVbLWgWcgqOhYjYPEBSNUpbJmB_zps3c841442.jpg&hash=f4a7d7b6ccfa2d68b735d3ff3ef5062cc5b7c3e8)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1284.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa579%2Fbardoux1%2FyEeXvqHqZpVsQEcYxZaOBbUMcEenrzNrgrIC-610xh_zps6d730b67.jpg&hash=4920a43d96cd73b2cd99174d9a330175a3a0d1cc)

Don't have one from my peak but put on a ton of defined muscle before starting HRT. i was in some serious denial. At the same token though i find athletic women very attractive, and intend to start some light toning up after many years of HRT. I do miss the shape and how nice a sculpted shape looks in clothes.

There are days when i think of trying to revert back. On new years day two guys were talking quite loudly behind my back at a train station, asking what the hell is that? and making vomiting sounds. This was in male presentation, hair up, no make up etc. Kind of hurts

If that's you in your avatar: You look great, HRT seems to have worked really well for you :D

Something about it I'm mourning. I guess because the person who I see in these pictures is just a completely different person than I am now and that he is a distant memory, a stranger even. I hope that I can make peace with myself. I'm in that part of transition where there is no going back for me and the farther I go the deeper my commitment becomes.

Nothing to mourne about that at all. You should be happy that that part of you got you through a more difficult part of life. School can be a rough place to see through, nevermind trying to do it as your inner image. You may be just seing your former self with rose colored glasses. You need to see what's to come, not dwell on what was (sorry for the cliches, someone had to say it..)

Quote from: Riley Skye on January 05, 2014, 01:06:26 PM
Something about it I'm mourning. I guess because the person who I see in these pictures is just a completely different person than I am now and that he is a distant memory, a stranger even. I hope that I can make peace with myself. I'm in that part of transition where there is no going back for me and the farther I go the deeper my commitment becomes.

I don't think there is anything bad about missing some part of what was: our bodies included.  That was you and you should be proud and happy about what you did and how you looked. However, that moment in time will never happened again, regardless of what you do. You could do better, your could do worse but it is now in the past.   For some of us, I don't believe that absolutely everything was bad.  For me, there wwere at times a ray of sun through that terrible cloud.  For me, the vast majority of it was miserable, full of doubt and self loathing.  But, I did enjoy just a little.

The question becomes, "how much of it does one really miss?" and "do I miss so much that I want to change back?" These are real questions that we should ask ourselves  They are tough, ugly and nasty questions.  But they need to be asked and answered: in total honesty to one's self. Because, at some point, we will answer them.  Now is a good time to answer them as at some point, the changes will be permanent. After that, finding out that this was wrong would be very bad.

They do tend to get easier to answer as we age.  Quite simply, some things I miss are physically impossible now that I am older.  Some of the fond memories are those of a child and while the times were good then, it would be inappropriate now. We need to know our past and what it all means so that today we make the right decisions for tomorrow.

Now, the whole mourning thing might not be good.  It could be like mourning for youth that we can never have again.  That would be bad.  I would suggest that one rejoice in the good memories and take pride in excellence, whatever the form rather than mourn over what was lost so that more could be gained. 

For me, my thoughts on this are always on the bottom of my posts.  I want to be more than I was.  I want  clear sunny skies rather than a ray of sun in poking though a terrible storm.

Hugs,

Jen

Quote from: Solare on January 05, 2014, 04:19:04 AM
I understand what you mean. I'm fairly active now as is (Mountain biking, running, weight lifting) and I fear its not going to help the loss of muscle mass and tone to try and look more feminine. Going to give up weight lifting, but I dont know if I'm ready (Plus lycra is great :D) to give up mountain biking (Maybe it'll help have a good ass?)

My personal goal is to develop an "ice skater's butt"  :o

Quote from: Jamie D
My personal goal is to develop an "ice skater's butt"  :o

Oh yes!  Growing up in Minnesnowta it was go skating or stay home.  I'll never forget the thrill and feeling of flying as we skated across frozen lakes and ponds.  Bicyclists also have great butts and I now ride recumbents partly to keep my butt happy.

Being butt happy is so important eh?

Mind posting pics of your body now? See how HRT has worked for you?

I'm actually feeling a lot better now with all of this actually, was a weird little funk and yes I will port a good pic tomorrow before therapy when I have sun light!

Quote from: Riley Skye on January 06, 2014, 04:28:15 PM
I'm actually feeling a lot better now with all of this actually, was a weird little funk and yes I will port a good pic tomorrow before therapy when I have sun light!

Thanks! I think it will be encouraging for all of us to see just how far it is you've come!