Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Rachel6505 on January 05, 2014, 01:59:18 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Out of Denial
Post by: Rachel6505 on January 05, 2014, 01:59:18 AM
Post by: Rachel6505 on January 05, 2014, 01:59:18 AM
Hey Susan's Place, I'm new here, and pretty new to the acceptance that i am mtf. Lately, over the past few weeks and months, I have just given up on living in a lie that I am just a guy; I feel like things would be much better if I was a girl. I am quite scared, as nobody knows of this. I'm having trouble with having no one to talk about it. For quite a few years (about 8 ) I have always day dreamed about what it would be like to be a girl. For the past few years I have experimented with makeup, and just in the last year started painting my nails. All of it has been done in complete secrecy.
Coming out to myself was hard on this; I come from a family of three boys, and all of us have a masculine image. All if us did very well in hockey (my brother plays college) and I am currently gigging regularly with a band that keeps a very masculine persona. I always was disgusted with myself when I did girl things; I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was a black sheep to my family, and a freak amongst my peers. After breaking up with my last girl friend about a year ago, I spiraled into a pretty deep depression. I realized that i wasn't happy with myself nor the body I was in. I spent many hours deliberating how I could be happy. I was sick of my fake masculinity and searched for a better me. That search for myself is what led me to this site.
Though I have a good sense of where I'm at, I still sometimes feel very trepidatious of where I see my path going. I do not feel any where near ready to tell my family, and I fear rejection from society heavily. I have pretty bad social anxiety, and with the way I see kids get ostracized at my high school, I feel pretty alone right now. Coming out to my self has made me feel loads better, and I know seeing other people like me cope with daily struggles will help me greatly.
Thanks for your time,
Rachel
Coming out to myself was hard on this; I come from a family of three boys, and all of us have a masculine image. All if us did very well in hockey (my brother plays college) and I am currently gigging regularly with a band that keeps a very masculine persona. I always was disgusted with myself when I did girl things; I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was a black sheep to my family, and a freak amongst my peers. After breaking up with my last girl friend about a year ago, I spiraled into a pretty deep depression. I realized that i wasn't happy with myself nor the body I was in. I spent many hours deliberating how I could be happy. I was sick of my fake masculinity and searched for a better me. That search for myself is what led me to this site.
Though I have a good sense of where I'm at, I still sometimes feel very trepidatious of where I see my path going. I do not feel any where near ready to tell my family, and I fear rejection from society heavily. I have pretty bad social anxiety, and with the way I see kids get ostracized at my high school, I feel pretty alone right now. Coming out to my self has made me feel loads better, and I know seeing other people like me cope with daily struggles will help me greatly.
Thanks for your time,
Rachel
Title: Re: Out of Denial
Post by: Cindy on January 05, 2014, 02:05:40 AM
Post by: Cindy on January 05, 2014, 02:05:40 AM
Hi Rachel
welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
We are a big family here and you will find heaps of information and friends
Hugs and Welcome
Cindy
welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
We are a big family here and you will find heaps of information and friends
Hugs and Welcome
Cindy
Title: Re: Out of Denial
Post by: Jamie D on January 05, 2014, 02:06:52 AM
Post by: Jamie D on January 05, 2014, 02:06:52 AM
Rachel, hello. Glad to have you here.
I think it is a good thing that you are exploring your gender issues now. You have plenty of contemporaries here who are experiencing similar feelings and asking similar questions.
Jump in with both feet. When you get to 15 posts, you will be able to use the personal messaging utility on the site, post an avatar, etc.
I think it is a good thing that you are exploring your gender issues now. You have plenty of contemporaries here who are experiencing similar feelings and asking similar questions.
Jump in with both feet. When you get to 15 posts, you will be able to use the personal messaging utility on the site, post an avatar, etc.
Title: Re: Out of Denial
Post by: Ltl89 on January 05, 2014, 02:09:33 AM
Post by: Ltl89 on January 05, 2014, 02:09:33 AM
Welcome,
I know what it's like to be the black sheep. Luckily, you won't have to feel that way here! :)
I know what it's like to be the black sheep. Luckily, you won't have to feel that way here! :)
Title: Re: Out of Denial
Post by: Rachel6505 on January 05, 2014, 02:13:42 AM
Post by: Rachel6505 on January 05, 2014, 02:13:42 AM
Thank you all for your replies! It feels so great to have support :)
Rachel
Rachel
Title: Re: Out of Denial
Post by: Cindy on January 05, 2014, 02:20:58 AM
Post by: Cindy on January 05, 2014, 02:20:58 AM
You ain't seen nothin' yet!!
Title: Re: Out of Denial
Post by: Jessica Merriman on January 05, 2014, 02:30:39 AM
Post by: Jessica Merriman on January 05, 2014, 02:30:39 AM
A big warm welcome to the family Rachel! I am so glad to have another sister here. This is the ONLY family where you will find so much information, caring, friends and fun. We are all in this together so ask questions, rant, vent, learn and have fun. We have all been where you are now and are here to help you now. Relax, dig in and know you are not alone anymore. Here is a BIG HUG ( :icon_hug:) to start you on your new journey of discovery.