Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: CoughMapleSyrup on January 07, 2014, 07:44:04 PM Return to Full Version
Title: My 11 month journey with a story about my life
Post by: CoughMapleSyrup on January 07, 2014, 07:44:04 PM
Post by: CoughMapleSyrup on January 07, 2014, 07:44:04 PM
Hi everyone, sorry for my wording and sentence structure in advance, I'm rather shy and quiet. I am a male-to-female transitioner with a little over 11 months of estrogen and anti-androgens, and I have always felt trapped in a body with the wrong gender. I've been transitioning since the age of 28, but found the courage to type my thoughts about a rather lengthy true story of my life, so here it is for everyone to see.
Ever since the age of three, I was playing with girls toys while having visited grandparents often, and with the girls toys was a life-size pretend baby doll that came with a fake bottle, and by natural instinct I cared for the baby. I didn't think at the time how my parents would perceive me, as boys toys did not interest me at all during my childhood, but I knew at that time I was different from my siblings and cousins. I even felt I could not express myself at all and attempted to repeatedly dismiss from my own mind how I felt about myself. My life in an early childhood setting was difficult, I was diagnosed with autism at the age of four, my parents thought of me differently. Time went on and I repeatedly tried to adapt to what my family felt was right for me, but any attempt resulted in failure and I could not bring myself to adapt to what had been laid out for the gender role I was forced to accept, so I was put in Special ED, labeled as autistic. I felt different from all the people around me, I felt so utterly alone and kept my feelings to myself, bottled for most if not all of my childhood.
By the time I was in 9th grade, puberty struck me, puberty came late but with some developments that my parents deemed not normal. My voice never deepened or changed much at all, most could not see or find an adams apple, but I felt like I had a rather small bump that didn't protrude much or at all. Fat tissue was being deposited in random places, and then came some minor breast growth but that wasn't considered a gynecomastia case at the time. Regardless, my father brought me to visit a doctor to have me exmained and deemed everything to be normal for my height and weight. That didn't last long as facial hair weeks after revealed its horrific self, though not much body hair had developed around that time. And even though my family had hairy feet, my feet never went through any hair growth at all so I was very lucky not to have hairy feet, and I never had much muscle growth either and remained skinny. Ironically I did lose my baby fat on my hands and other places, so then there were some veins showing through my hands, but not really anywhere else. I once attempted to shave my legs to hide the fact that body hair was growing, but regretted shaving them and felt that I ruined my legs with red circles or bumps around each individual hair follicle. I didn't like the changes that made me feel and look hideous and I felt alienated within myself and around others. From then on, I felt that my life was a cruel joke and that it would always be this way, so I just kept my true self bottled up for all of these years and tried the best I could to live each excruciating day of my life.
Until the summer of 2012 came. I was still trying to cope with what I have been living as and how I been perceived through all of those years, until I came across upon "what I considered at the time" a miracle, though at that time I wouldn't have thought of such a solution to my problem. The first word that I saw was transgender, everything I was reading about this was all new to me. I've done more researching and kept mental notes of what was possible and the multiple steps that followed, I had hope that I could have a sex change and finally be able to live as my true self, but I knew this was only just the beginning of a series of steps I had to follow. By October of 2012 at the age of 28, I was started on an anti-androgen, but I could not come out about myself just yet, I felt terrible for keeping them in the dark, the same way that I was kept in the dark for all of these years. Then by 3rd of February of 2013, I begun estrogen therapy.
Fast forward to January 2014, I've been feeling sad and depressed of not having anyone to talk to, my parents and my three siblings to this day still address me as him/he instead of the proper her/she and they are fully aware of my transition and have been for many months now. And even though I had my recent bloodtest yesterday on the 6th this month and now am waiting for my results, I still feel that part of me is just an utter nuisance to them and to everyone else, I feel that I am too different to relate. Sometimes I feel so unloved by people, to the point that I wonder if life without love is a life worth living at all. I feel that my life has no meaning, and I feel uncertain of where my future might lead me because of limited income and other stressful factors. Connecticut recently became the fifth state to require transgender medical coverage and I just so happen to live in this state, but I still feel that most is out of reach for me.
I know I've typed too much already and I normally never talk this much. Most of the time I am shy and quiet that I don't want to disturb anyone because I don't know how one will react to my words and I don't want to offend anyone either, as I am a rather sensitive being myself. I know there are some good things that have happened to me, such as the facial hair growth receding without assistance of electrolysis, which I cannot afford, but my face does look clear to me and the hairs (if any left at all) are very fine and too clear to notice, as well as body hair. I could say how such was possible, but such details would probably not be ideal for public viewing. But even with these small miracles, I still feel hideous and unwanted, but I know I shouldn't feel that way about myself. Sorry if I sound so dramatic with all of my words, I expressed my own feelings the best I could without attracting negative attention to myself, but that cannot be avoided I know.
I have said everything that has been on my mind lately, and I hope its not too much of an eye sore to read.
If anyone wishes to talk to me, I can be reached by email and I also have skype if that helps too, a PM for my contact info would be best.
Thank you for reading. :)
Ever since the age of three, I was playing with girls toys while having visited grandparents often, and with the girls toys was a life-size pretend baby doll that came with a fake bottle, and by natural instinct I cared for the baby. I didn't think at the time how my parents would perceive me, as boys toys did not interest me at all during my childhood, but I knew at that time I was different from my siblings and cousins. I even felt I could not express myself at all and attempted to repeatedly dismiss from my own mind how I felt about myself. My life in an early childhood setting was difficult, I was diagnosed with autism at the age of four, my parents thought of me differently. Time went on and I repeatedly tried to adapt to what my family felt was right for me, but any attempt resulted in failure and I could not bring myself to adapt to what had been laid out for the gender role I was forced to accept, so I was put in Special ED, labeled as autistic. I felt different from all the people around me, I felt so utterly alone and kept my feelings to myself, bottled for most if not all of my childhood.
By the time I was in 9th grade, puberty struck me, puberty came late but with some developments that my parents deemed not normal. My voice never deepened or changed much at all, most could not see or find an adams apple, but I felt like I had a rather small bump that didn't protrude much or at all. Fat tissue was being deposited in random places, and then came some minor breast growth but that wasn't considered a gynecomastia case at the time. Regardless, my father brought me to visit a doctor to have me exmained and deemed everything to be normal for my height and weight. That didn't last long as facial hair weeks after revealed its horrific self, though not much body hair had developed around that time. And even though my family had hairy feet, my feet never went through any hair growth at all so I was very lucky not to have hairy feet, and I never had much muscle growth either and remained skinny. Ironically I did lose my baby fat on my hands and other places, so then there were some veins showing through my hands, but not really anywhere else. I once attempted to shave my legs to hide the fact that body hair was growing, but regretted shaving them and felt that I ruined my legs with red circles or bumps around each individual hair follicle. I didn't like the changes that made me feel and look hideous and I felt alienated within myself and around others. From then on, I felt that my life was a cruel joke and that it would always be this way, so I just kept my true self bottled up for all of these years and tried the best I could to live each excruciating day of my life.
Until the summer of 2012 came. I was still trying to cope with what I have been living as and how I been perceived through all of those years, until I came across upon "what I considered at the time" a miracle, though at that time I wouldn't have thought of such a solution to my problem. The first word that I saw was transgender, everything I was reading about this was all new to me. I've done more researching and kept mental notes of what was possible and the multiple steps that followed, I had hope that I could have a sex change and finally be able to live as my true self, but I knew this was only just the beginning of a series of steps I had to follow. By October of 2012 at the age of 28, I was started on an anti-androgen, but I could not come out about myself just yet, I felt terrible for keeping them in the dark, the same way that I was kept in the dark for all of these years. Then by 3rd of February of 2013, I begun estrogen therapy.
Fast forward to January 2014, I've been feeling sad and depressed of not having anyone to talk to, my parents and my three siblings to this day still address me as him/he instead of the proper her/she and they are fully aware of my transition and have been for many months now. And even though I had my recent bloodtest yesterday on the 6th this month and now am waiting for my results, I still feel that part of me is just an utter nuisance to them and to everyone else, I feel that I am too different to relate. Sometimes I feel so unloved by people, to the point that I wonder if life without love is a life worth living at all. I feel that my life has no meaning, and I feel uncertain of where my future might lead me because of limited income and other stressful factors. Connecticut recently became the fifth state to require transgender medical coverage and I just so happen to live in this state, but I still feel that most is out of reach for me.
I know I've typed too much already and I normally never talk this much. Most of the time I am shy and quiet that I don't want to disturb anyone because I don't know how one will react to my words and I don't want to offend anyone either, as I am a rather sensitive being myself. I know there are some good things that have happened to me, such as the facial hair growth receding without assistance of electrolysis, which I cannot afford, but my face does look clear to me and the hairs (if any left at all) are very fine and too clear to notice, as well as body hair. I could say how such was possible, but such details would probably not be ideal for public viewing. But even with these small miracles, I still feel hideous and unwanted, but I know I shouldn't feel that way about myself. Sorry if I sound so dramatic with all of my words, I expressed my own feelings the best I could without attracting negative attention to myself, but that cannot be avoided I know.
I have said everything that has been on my mind lately, and I hope its not too much of an eye sore to read.
If anyone wishes to talk to me, I can be reached by email and I also have skype if that helps too, a PM for my contact info would be best.
Thank you for reading. :)
Title: Re: My 11 month journey with a story about my life
Post by: FalseHybridPrincess on January 07, 2014, 08:26:05 PM
Post by: FalseHybridPrincess on January 07, 2014, 08:26:05 PM
Maple most of us have felt unwanted or unloved at least once in our lives...I think its normal since we are indeed different than normal people...
You shouldnt give up though , give your family sometime im sure they ll get it right ,,,and Im also sure you ll find people who will accept you and love you...
here everyone understands you we are your friends :)
Im shy and quiet too,,,
You shouldnt give up though , give your family sometime im sure they ll get it right ,,,and Im also sure you ll find people who will accept you and love you...
here everyone understands you we are your friends :)
Im shy and quiet too,,,