Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I confess I have mixed feelings about losing the parts of my body that SRS is going to eliminate. They're a part of me, they are intricately involved in keeping my body working properly, they produced two kids, and I still enjoy using them on a regular basis.

It's not that I have any doubt that this is right for me. I'm gladly making the change to have my body shaped the way I've always wanted it to be. But there are definitely mixed feelings about what I'll be giving up.

Has anyone else had mixed feelings about this?

Sometimes. I think it is more to do with if I will be OK with possible complications. I don't think I will really miss what I have. Partly cause I don't really have anything.

A bit. More when it was *really* close - like days away from surgery. Like you, I never thought I'd regret moving on (and I didn't), but there was a weird sort of nostalgia for what was there. Not enough to want to keep it, just a vague sense of guilt almost that I was destroying something that never did anything to me and that I'd once had many happy times with. :)

Oddly enough, that vanished the minute I woke up from the anesthesia; it's like I *thought* I'd miss my "old friend," but then didn't actually.

I have mixed feelings all the time. I got my orchiectomy because that was removing T from my body. But as far as going all the wait I'm not 100% sure it is for me. I have always been like that though. Complications freak me out. If something happens and messes me up the only person to blame is myself I did it to myself. I allowed it to happen.

Also why can't women have penises? Because society says so well f$%k society. Do you know in Ontario, Canada you can now have your birth certificate and health card and passport changed to female if your trans Without having gender surgery?. How freaking cool is that. I have never not liked my penis. I don't think I need to have a virgina to be female. My soul is female and that should be just enough for me.

I mean I give props to people who get srs done but for me its such a scary thing that I just am on the fence about it.

I actually dont have mixed feelings. I know i want my "thang" off so ill be doing it asap. Id prefer to wait until im passable as i find that i can fall for anyone. Surprises are fun. :p
Also if i do, ill probably try spermbanking just in case.

Quote from: Lana P on January 08, 2014, 11:55:19 AM
I have mixed feelings all the time. I got my orchiectomy because that was removing T from my body. But as far as going all the wait I'm not 100% sure it is for me. I have always been like that though. Complications freak me out. If something happens and messes me up the only person to blame is myself I did it to myself. I allowed it to happen.

Also why can't women have penises? Because society says so well f$%k society. Do you know in Ontario, Canada you can now have your birth certificate and health card and passport changed to female if your trans Without having gender surgery?. How freaking cool is that. I have never not liked my penis. I don't think I need to have a virgina to be female. My soul is female and that should be just enough for me.

I mean I give props to people who get srs done but for me its such a scary thing that I just am on the fence about it.

i know i am going to get in trouble for saying this but "why cant woman have a penis?" thats a loaded question and society unfortunately does decide what things/people are classified  as.its like i have spoken to some college kids and adults on the trans issue before and time and time again i get the , "until he has a vagina im calling her a he and i dont want him in the woman's room." argument. so many cis people have asked me that why if you identify as male or female would you not want the correct anatomy. they question  us and our validity because of it. i tell them i cant speak for everyone but for me the srs was a very big deal. have had some problems trying to stick up for pre ops in FL,GA,AL,MS,TN  that pass but because they are not post op they cant use the proper bathroom. im not saying this is right. but they are asking basic questions and dont understand the complex answers to them. and these voters are the majority that sadly do decide some things for us like being legally seen in the eyes of the state or law as male or female.

Hmm,

I'd rather be packing a vag in a perfect world, but I know the world is far from.  I don't want to have sex with the guy junk ever again (I can't anyway), I never really cared for BJs much, and I definitely don't want the nuts.  I love the new orgasm though and would hate to never have another one.  I also don't have enough colon left for a do-over, so if that rectovaginal fistula happens I'm probably screwed.

That being said, trading the wrong junk that works for the right junk that doesn't work is a wash for me.

I think I'm going to try the orchi on for size, and if the guy junk still really irks me, I'll just roll the dice and have the rest of the surgery.

May I point out that most of the penis and scrotum is not removed but repurposed... so don't look at it as though things are being lost. :)

Suzi,

If I were in your shoes, I would really make sure I investigate these mixed feelings before doing one thing or another.  SRS can always be done, but it can't be undone.  Therefore, I would really sure you have fully dealt with these feelings before going forward.  That way you can feel total confidence and inner peace with the decision you make. 

I and a few girls I know, did not have any serious or "hold the horses" doubts, but in the 24 hours coming out of our surgery, we did feel an element of grief for the removed testicle tissue, and kind of a "what did I really do??"  A good cry and sniffle session for about half an hour took care of the thing. 

The big deal post op for me was that it took quite a few months to feel my tissue in its new location and not where it used to be.  Feeling like I had caught my scrotal skin in my old pants fly zipper when I was dilating at four month was a bit of an eye opener!!  Not really nostalgia or anything, butttttttt


If you have any degree of doubt that does not resolve itself though in a short period, is I agree, a reason to hold things in waiting until you and GT get it straightened out. 

Tomorrow is not too soon to get rid of it....yeah, despite the jolly times and the kids...

and to paraphrase GendrKweer, we are just turning it into a "velvet purse"...LOL

Quote from: Lana P on January 08, 2014, 11:55:19 AM
I have mixed feelings all the time. I got my orchiectomy because that was removing T from my body. But as far as going all the wait I'm not 100% sure it is for me. I have always been like that though. Complications freak me out. If something happens and messes me up the only person to blame is myself I did it to myself. I allowed it to happen.

Also why can't women have penises? Because society says so well f--k society. Do you know in Ontario, Canada you can now have your birth certificate and health card and passport changed to female if your trans Without having gender surgery?. How freaking cool is that. I have never not liked my penis. I don't think I need to have a vagina to be female. My soul is female and that should be just enough for me.

I mean I give props to people who get srs done but for me its such a scary thing that I just am on the fence about it.

I agree with this. I had an orchi done since I could never save up for GRS and there were many things about it that put me off (like having to dilate for the rest of your life). So, I had the orchi done and that was that.

I always had a part of me that says I cant do GRS even though at times i would like to. The daily dilation, and upkeep as well as it not working properly if the surgery doesnt really seem like something i could commit even though I would like GRS.

This is a. Good topic and something that really does need a lot of careful reflection.

GRS is a long way off for me, but I think I want to to do it when I have the money and everything else is in place. That said, three things put me off. 

The first is the pain.

The second is the constant maintenance and the pain that that involves.

The third is the 'what if something goes wrong?' fear.

I never loved my stick, but I'm hating it more and more as time passes, and I wish everything was out of the way and tidy.

I guess I will have to work my way through these things.

Quote from: Jill F on January 08, 2014, 01:42:02 PM
  I also don't have enough colon left for a do-over, so if that rectovaginal fistula happens I'm probably screwed.

Why would you need that? I had a fistula like that but I still have a colon. They closed the fistula and repaired the damage, so I guess i lost a little bit of it, but that was not that much material I think. i would not know though, they never told me what they did exactly.

Generally I think in a good reconstructive genital correction there should not that much be lost - well at least not in sensate tissues. I had a PI so I miss my inner labia which is actually feeling like a loss - but other than that there is no feeling of loss. The only thing that really made me sad for a while shortly pre-op and some time afterwards is that i never will have kids. That part of me that would somehow have been able to do this is lost. But then again, others are born and live without ever being fertile, I dont even know if that maybe was the case with me too. So I can get over that feeling. 

At one time I thought definetly no. But feelings change and now im going soon and cant wait. In the end its a sticking point for me, I just dont like how it looks and I dont feel authentic and genuine. But its a big decision and I totally understand why some dont want to or are afraid. I do think it makes a difference though, I want to experience my female life as completely as possible and I cant do that with a penis. So for me, no doubts at all, not anymore.

Quote from: learningtolive on January 08, 2014, 03:16:06 PM
Suzi,

If I were in your shoes, I would really make sure I investigate these mixed feelings before doing one thing or another.  SRS can always be done, but it can't be undone.  Therefore, I would really sure you have fully dealt with these feelings before going forward.  That way you can feel total confidence and inner peace with the decision you make.

Thanks for your concern, dear. I'm pretty comfortable with the amount of soul searching I've done about SRS. I'm convinced that further contemplation won't produce any insight that I don't already have. I don't think (after months of examination) that the mixed feelings are an indication of whether surgery is or isn't for me, just about the complicated relationship I have with my body. There is no way I can "know" for sure. I can only rely on the accounts of others and my own imagination, since without the surgery, there's no way for me to tell what it will feel like.

Quote from: anjaq on January 08, 2014, 07:10:09 PM
Why would you need that? I had a fistula like that but I still have a colon. They closed the fistula and repaired the damage, so I guess i lost a little bit of it, but that was not that much material I think. i would not know though, they never told me what they did exactly.

Generally I think in a good reconstructive genital correction there should not that much be lost - well at least not in sensate tissues. I had a PI so I miss my inner labia which is actually feeling like a loss - but other than that there is no feeling of loss. The only thing that really made me sad for a while shortly pre-op and some time afterwards is that i never will have kids. That part of me that would somehow have been able to do this is lost. But then again, others are born and live without ever being fertile, I dont even know if that maybe was the case with me too. So I can get over that feeling.

I had severe diverticulitis with a colovesical fistula and had to have 2 feet of colon removed with an end-to-end anastomosis and bladder repair performed in December 2011.  If I had to have a do-over, any less colon would impact the rest of my life negatively.  My aunt has a bit less than I do, and she has issues every day.  Plus I never want to have to recover from that same surgery ever again.  Once was enough.

Suzi,

There is no rush to anything. If at anytime you feel it is something that will make your life happier then work that path. If you have any ideas that it is not 100% right for you then just stay the path you are on now. There is no rule that everyone must has GRS to be happy. Happiness comes from within and only you know what true inner peace is.

For me i have a hard time trying to understand the sure not sure thing. For me the dysphoria was been so strong that i walked the path to GCS. Anything in life carries risks. I stood on the edge of hell and i knew what i had to do. I did all my research finished up my path. Now my mind is quiet, no more dysphoria. I have my inner peace.

Hugs and never regreat anything.
Izzy

for me when I went I honestly had no doubts as the dysphoria had finally gotten to a level that...well it was at a point that death probably would of been the next step in my journey had I not went through. I looked at it in a way that I question myself with this one question "am I ready to live my life?" the screaming answer was a yes, an in the brief moment before I went into the operating theatre I said my prayer to god ,took a deep breath, and said "here we go". I wish I had of done the surgery sooner, but for me I guess I didn't have everything worked out as I should have and my priorities well they weren't were they should have been. however by waiting like I did and thinking, contemplating it prepared me and left me with no doubt when I finally made the choice. My life has been better now, and more complete than I could have ever imagined. I never felt so complete than after the surgery.
so no no doubts, no regrets just a happy whole now girl :)

Quote from: calico on January 08, 2014, 08:06:09 PM
for me when I went I honestly had no doubts as the dysphoria had finally gotten to a level that...

Well I should really clarify - I don't have any doubts. I'm as certain as I can be that I'm making the right decision. Just mixed feelings about losing those pieces of me that will no longer be there in their entirety when it's done.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 08, 2014, 08:09:30 PM
Well I should really clarify - I don't have any doubts. I'm as certain as I can be that I'm making the right decision. Just mixed feelings about losing those pieces of me that will no longer be there in their entirety when it's done.

I see kinda like the "if it aint broken don't..."   for me I never really thought of it that way, it was just something to me that had to happen, if I had been made of clay the could of just swiped it smooth and poked a hole and tossed the rest, as to me the left overs that weren't attached were better off in the trash because they certainly weren't getting used as they were made to be used :/
I guess my view about the pieces that would be discarded would be if their not being used or enjoyed than why have them? I have a certain bit of sadness because I cant have a child however it was a sacrifice that was made in knowledge.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 08, 2014, 08:53:33 AM
I confess I have mixed feelings about losing the parts of my body that SRS is going to eliminate. They're a part of me, they are intricately involved in keeping my body working properly, they produced two kids, and I still enjoy using them on a regular basis.

It's not that I have any doubt that this is right for me. I'm gladly making the change to have my body shaped the way I've always wanted it to be. But there are definitely mixed feelings about what I'll be giving up.

Has anyone else had mixed feelings about this?

Kia Ora Suzi,

Even though I didn't 'hate' the private parts, I had no mix feelings prior to nor after having them cut off and confiscated ...Having them just hanging there, they had become a wasted of space...

Do you think you will miss them when they are gone?

Metta Zenda :)

I love my cock, I love my tits, I love my naughty ->-bleeped-<- bits. Sorry guys, but I was born in the right body, it just needed some modification. I'm now a Transgender living in a Transgender body.

I think I know where you are coming from Suzi,

I'm lined up but still have doubts, all the what ifs and fears that go with any surgery.

I then recall I have fears at every step, even getting my ears pierced terrified me.

I think doubt and fear are normal. Well my normal at least.

Quote from: Jill F on January 08, 2014, 07:21:39 PM
I had severe diverticulitis with a colovesical fistula and had to have 2 feet of colon removed....  If I had to have a do-over, any less colon would impact the rest of my life negatively.

I get that in part. Definitely this is not something to look forward to. I needed 6 Months to get this fixed and to recover... :( - But I think normally a fistula does not need a removal of significant portions of the colon, does it? So even if that should happen, you would not loose that much colon to such an event - if it is treated right away in the case it occurs... or what do you consider a "do-over"?

Quote from: Anatta on January 08, 2014, 10:41:27 PMhaving them cut off and confiscated ...

Quote from: calico on January 08, 2014, 08:55:44 PM
if I had been made of clay the could of just swiped it smooth and poked a hole and tossed the rest
I guess my view about the pieces that would be discarded would be if their not being used

I dont reall get this ... What is that talk about things being "cut off" and "tossed" - I mean a GOOD genital correction should transform the shape and only remove what is not fitting, but much of it should still be there but in a different shape. I think the expectation to "get rid of it" is something odd but commonly stated as it kind of refers to the shape but not really to the parts involved. So one wants to get rid of a shape, but not the parts themselves, except the testicles of course which are causing damage ;)

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 08, 2014, 08:09:30 PM
Just mixed feelings about losing those pieces of me that will no longer be there in their entirety when it's done.

Which pieces do you think about there?

Quote from: anjaq on January 09, 2014, 04:59:07 AM
I dont reall get this ... What is that talk about things being "cut off" and "tossed"?

OK. Let's get specific.

The testicles will be gone. They're not being reshaped or repurposed. They're being removed, totally taken away, no longer a part of me.

I have no love of testosterone and don't want much of it in my body ever again.

But those two organs helped keep my body healthy and in careful balance for over 50 years. When I started taking spiro, I screwed up that balance, and while I love its feminizing effects, I will be glad to end the spiro experience once my surgery is complete.

Removing the danglies will  permanently throw that balance out of whack. Yes, I do want life without T, but I'm still given pause that I'm meddling with a system that is very delicate.

Thanks, that makes it all much clearer now :)

And indeed - you will remove a source of hormones from your system that is part of your endocrine system which is very complex (http://www.kegg.jp/kegg-bin/highlight_pathway?scale=1.0&map=map00140). You will need to replace this forever - unless your body works out other ways - in some perople the other sources of hormone sin the body work well enough (testicles are not the only one ;) ).
I see it in another way - the testicles kept the body in a state that somehow worked, but that was not at all in balance - specifically it was not in balance with the brain and the hypothalamus. That balance never was there and can only be created by changing the endocrine system from extern. The testicles never did a good job for that, so they are not a great loss as they caused a big imbalance actually. But I get that the whole transition is of course in the way the doctors say "taking a healthy male body and damaging it". But what is healthy and in balance - I see it that if you exclude the brain from the body, you are missing something important and if you include it there was never really a balance...

I really like the post you gave anjaq - as I have always had troubles squaring the thought of "butchering" my male parts except that I wasn't able to express it like you did so thanks!

Mx Pippa I'm with you on what you said though I don't consider myself a ->-bleeped-<-. I consider my self a transsexual female because thats what I am.

And after about two months of not having "nuts" lol your hormones balance themselves out while taking estrogen. Its now been 4 months since I had my orchi and everything is great. I had 2 months of crazy crying at everything and I was easily angry. But everything is fine now. And I'm on a low dose of estrogen, my T levels are lower than a cis female and everything is great.

Quote from: Lana P on January 09, 2014, 11:04:26 AM
And after about two months of not having "nuts" lol your hormones balance themselves out while taking estrogen. Its now been 4 months since I had my orchi and everything is great. I had 2 months of crazy crying at everything and I was easily angry. But everything is fine now. And I'm on a low dose of estrogen, my T levels are lower than a cis female and everything is great.

I went through a similar thing after my orchi. But I also went through the same thing when I started HRT. You just need to get past the initial stages and it's all good. I'm glad that I had the orchi done. That was the best decision that I ever made.

All I can say is that mixed feelings are sound cause for deeper analysis. Four weeks before I had SRS a large amount of doubt that had been so deeply buried in my psyche that I didn't consciously know it existed abruptly emerged. I really couldn't make heads or tails out of it - was it just fear, the stress I was under (a lot at the time,) or genuine issues with SRS? It's proving to be the latter for me now and I am working through those issues without much of a support network as a result.

I'm kind of worried about the possible complications. I'm planning on getting phalloplasty which is much more risky than metoidioplasty; but I'm drawn to phallo because you can have an average size penis and can penetrate. There are more stages involved with phallo, like testicular implants and an erectile device (if you choose) which costs more $ for one, but there is a higher chance of some infection, total loss of sensation, and the penis can start to retract but I try not to worry because those happen in only some cases not all.  Other than being worried about possible complications, I'm not having really any second thoughts. I don't like my vag at all and I want it gone.

Quote from: amber1964 on January 08, 2014, 07:17:49 PM
At one time I thought definetly no. But feelings change and now im going soon and cant wait. In the end its a sticking point for me, I just dont like how it looks and I dont feel authentic and genuine. But its a big decision and I totally understand why some dont want to or are afraid. I do think it makes a difference though, I want to experience my female life as completely as possible and I cant do that with a penis. So for me, no doubts at all, not anymore.

OH MY GOD I THINK EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!   amber1964