Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok so since I have beeing trans this seems to be a biggy. I've always been into men for the most part. But my biggest pet peeve is that most men Id say 95% of them are only into sex and not really into dating. When it comes to transwomen who have penises. Where I am the men in my city are only into us for sexual reasons. But then men that I have talked to online in the states are into relationships. But then some of the men that are into dating that are near me I'm not attracted too.

I think "->-bleeped-<- porn" has ruined it for us who decide to keep are penises because most men 95% of them think we can do what they do in porn and that is so not the case because of hormone medication or having orchiectomies and such. But I still have hope that I would be able to find a guy that is into me to date then just have casual sex. I mean if I wanted sex that is so easy to find because so many men want to sleep with me because I have what they have down below but to find someone to date that is like finding a needle in a hay stack LOL.

Anyone else have man problems?
Chime in please.

in the past this was a problem for me too at least to a point. when i was pre op i was not going to have sex. the method of doing it pre op was just not it for me. so i would just date guys ands see where things went. some i got board with and some got board with me. others their was just no connection from the start. i found out that if you hold off on telling them your trans at least for the first two dates they get to know you better.  once i became post op though and was into sex things did change for the better. now for the most part i run into the same kind of guys most woman run into. but thats not always such a good thing since men can be such dogs

Yes yes they can be I think most men are that is what Im learning :P

Ugh, I get the same issue. Guy either aren't into me because of the extraneous tissue, or they are only into me because of it. I just want to be a regular girl, jeez boys!

Most men are sexually driven to satisfy an urge and aren't into touchy-feely relationships where they have to show emotion or even be emotionally available at any time. Luckily most don't use clubs to whack a gal over the head and drag her into the man cave. Some are into kinky stuff and get turned on by the surprise package that comes with a pre-op or non-op MtF.

Most cis women and trans-women as well who are into men desire a warm, cuddly emotional connection that is mutual, as opposed to just being ravaged once in awhile, becoming a repository for his goo.

That latter type of relationship takes some time and nurturing, smart girls take their time and start out as just friends and learn to hang out with him and do non-sex related things that they wouldn't necessarily normally be interested in for a starter. Something has to click in his brain where he suddenly decides that you're fun to be with and he really likes you for you and not just for a quickie one night stand.

the trick is once you find a guy that you like and really does like you. then you have to train him. let him know whats ok and whats not ok. you can even use a reward system

Most of the men I've been involved with were just interested in sex and I was a dirty little secret to be hidden away in case their mates found out.Someone to screw because their girlfriend was having a period,it took me a while to work out how come I only ever saw him for 3 or 4 days in the month.

If you want something more than sex or someone who does not fetishize your genitals then they have to be changed. Otherwise they will 99.9% of the time be an issue. Its just how men are. I have a nice male partner, my current anatomy fascinates him but I have never and would never allow him to touch me there. I wonder if he will hang around once it gets - removed - changed - corrected. I guess I will know pretty soon.

I was watching a show on television about very large (obese) women who underwent gastric bypass surgery. In almost every case there relationships ended because there male partners were attracted to them because they were so unusually large. It made me feel sad. In a real way they were transitioning just like we do.

Quote from: amber1964 on January 08, 2014, 01:01:56 PM
If you want something more than sex or someone who does not fetishize your genitals then they have to be changed. Otherwise they will 99.9% of the time be an issue.

Dunno. That statement sounds a bit extreme to me.

I know several pre-op/non-op trans women who have very satisfying, loving relationships with men. They're certainly not one in a thousand.

Its just an expression.So maybe its 98% or 95% or 90%, my point stands. But maybe its just me. Those relationships never seem to last and I work with young trans women, almost universally beautiful. Most get there hearts broken.

Quote from: gowiththeflow on January 08, 2014, 12:52:44 PM
the trick is once you find a guy that you like and really does like you. then you have to train him. let him know whats ok and whats not ok. you can even use a reward system

So basically, if we treat men like dogs, then they will be loyal...like a dog. Hm...interesting.  ;D

This is what I'm afraid will happen to me once I start trying to date.  It seems like it's really hard to find a guy while being pre-op.  I know some people that found a way around it, but it's not that way for everyone.  And while I believe there are plenty of loving and accepting men out there, it seems much harder to find when your trans. Then again, I haven't really started dating, so maybe things won't be so bad.  Just gotta have faith.

Good luck to everyone out there.  Even though I haven't been out on the field yet, I do feel your pain.  Hope you find someone special! :)

Quote from: learningtolive on January 08, 2014, 04:14:12 PM
This is what I'm afraid will happen to me once I start trying to date.  It seems like it's really hard to find a guy while being pre-op.  I know some people that found a way around it, but it's not that way for everyone.  And while I believe there are plenty of loving and accepting men out there, it seems much harder to find when your trans. Then again, I haven't really started dating, so maybe things won't be so bad.  Just gotta have faith.

Good luck to everyone out there.  Even though I haven't been out on the field yet, I do feel your pain.  Hope you find someone special! :)

I haven't found it too difficult to find people to date while being pre-op. Personally, I don't think it's any harder for us than for anyone else. Then again, I am kind of a hopeless optimist.

i have always been attracted to women but this has changed dramatically over the past 2 years. as i get more comfortable with my inner female self i still admire and want to be close to women but i also want to emulate them, be like them. not just emotionally but physically as well. so while not yet on hrt, i am beginning to feel attracted to guys. very strange. maybe it's the anticipation of starting the road to becoming a woman and testing myself to see how i feel?

this being said, men still repulse me because we know them too well don't we? by and large, they are sexual beasts with urges to satisfy and have little emotional connection to what makes a woman tick. women have told me i behave sexually very different than typical guys as i really feel i know what i would want in a man and so am able to project it on a woman and please her. does that make any sense?

when i assume more of a female attitude when dressed i am scared of men and their potential reactions. this is why i tend to congregate with women and teenage girls because i feel at ease around them and i want so much for them to adopt me in their fold. i also feel this way about TSs but because we are such a rare breed, i haven't really met one yet. in the meantime, i keep dreaming about being taken as a woman as i evolve. i think i would be a straight girl at heart.

Thats the problem with sexuality. Women of any kind just dont do it for me. Me have their faults, but I like they way they smell, how they are big and protecting and possessive and insecure and funny and even sometimes foolish. I like their stubble and hairy chests and laugh at how they think I care about how clever they are. Im strongly attracted to them physically.

Women, nothing. For friends yes, going shopping, having lunch out, just gabbing over a cup of coffee. But physically? Nothing, not even in the slightest. In my old life I had sex with them but couldnt wait to get rid of them afterwards. My man can stay and wrap his big protective arms around me and I sleep better at night.

Before I switched I was a gay guy and for the most part it was easy could get sex easily. But and I mean BUT it was hard to date because nobody my age wanted to date. Now being a trans female. Its hard to find guys to date does not matter age. However the guys that want to date me I'm not attracted too. So Its kind of a piss off LOL

Just be patient Lana. Your attractive and young. Your anatomy is an issue, it does make things harder, but not impossible. In any case its better to be alone and happy than attached and miserable.

amber1964 explain Your anatomy is an issue? how so?

I wasn't sure if I should chime in here but I did want to point out a few things from most of the comments.

1) its very hard to find a partner when going in with the worst outlook or resentment toward said person.
Its true that 'many' men are pigs but speaking from a male perspective,why would I want to commite to someone who see's me in such a negative light,all because of the image that male pricks created? I think we need to start seeing what we want and believing for that and not the negative.
2) like the above,if its true that commitment is effected by a negative image regarding 'she males' or mtf's all together,then I feel that more negativity will only strengthen that image.

You are someone seeking love and commitement,not someone 'you know' will treat you bad or use you.so please go in with faith,an open mind and heart,giving them the benefit of a doubt and if it doesn't work,do the same with the next.I can assure you that with the right mindset and outlook,you WILL find someone worth having.if you look to the sky and only see black,then the sun will never shine.

Lana,

Read my post here #7. It is self explanatory.

ive gotta say. even as an mtf im actually kind of offended at the shallow 'men need to be molded' mentality displayed here.

i get that everyones experiences are different but thats exactly the kind of thinking that puts feminism into obscurity.

the 'all men are pigs becaue they stereotype women' kinda thing just sets women back. trans and cis.
and treating men as sex crazed naive stupid puppy dogs who need trainingdoesnt help either. so. two quick rants in one but its the general attitude  that sets us back is what im getting at.

I am not into guys, but pre HRT and open to all the changes it brings.  It worries me that I will flip entirely, (though I know its more likely to expand my tastes than flip them- but some girls report that it happens) because I have seen the mans side of the world, and detested what most of them thought or behaved when it came to their partners.    Plus I understand what a powerful force testosterone can be on decision making.  Right?    I pashed a few guys, but it only reinforced my preference for girls.

Mind you, a lot of that bad behavior may have to do with fasle bravado and changing room posturing.  It may be different when alone with them, but for the most part... still a huge concern.  That ontop of the reduced dating pool and ->-bleeped-<-s... uhg... not envious.  I am not sure I want a partner I have to train either.

Anyway, happily dyke-ity, dyke- dyke at the moment-and my wife is still sticking around (fingers crossed, bless her- it has to be hard)...  but wanted to chime in the point about seeing the otherside of male behavior.

But hugs girl... remember there are all sorts of people in the world... look at us, after all... and even if he is a one in a million... there are billions on the planet, right?

Good luck

yeah i know some dont like it when a statement is made like men can be such dogs but its true. and as a woman you really do have to be careful because of that. i thought for a while growing up i could handle myself when it came to guys in any situation despite what my mom, sister and other girls were telling me. haha was i so wrong and kinda found out the hard way. but yes so many men do see sex as a big starting pointing. and molding guys? when it comes to dating long term for keeps its a must for men and woman. you have to let them know what you like and dont like. they will be the first to tell you ," woman i cant read minds! you want something speak up. you dont like something tell me!" haha . but hey maybe that way is for me and the girls i grew up with and hang out with? to each there own.

Moulding... I like that.  Jeessh... I AM such a girl.  lol.

Mostly it just comes from the simple fact that men and women are not the same. They dont think the same, there brains arent the same, there perceptions are different. The biggest mistake women make is in expecting men to be like they are. They are not, they cant be. To me thats a good thing, my nightmare would be dating another female and dealing with her sensitivity and feelings. I dont think all men are dogs, thats a little strong. But if you think they pick up on subtle signals like females do then your gonna be disappointed.

Emma - It happens. Dont worry over it. If it does it will be because you want it. Im a lot happier as a heterosexual female.

Quote from: nonameyet on January 09, 2014, 02:36:45 AM
ive gotta say. even as an mtf im actually kind of offended at the shallow 'men need to be molded' mentality displayed here.

i get that everyones experiences are different but thats exactly the kind of thinking that puts feminism into obscurity.

the 'all men are pigs becaue they stereotype women' kinda thing just sets women back. trans and cis.
and treating men as sex crazed naive stupid puppy dogs who need trainingdoesnt help either. so. two quick rants in one but its the general attitude  that sets us back is what im getting at.

I apologize to you if my comment about treating men as though they were pets offended you. I meant it in good fun, and was not serious in any way.

amber1964 sorry but your wrong you don't have to change your private parts in order to find a partner. Yes many men do put us on a fantasy level but there are many men who have relationships with trans women who still dont change their private parts. They are just harder to come across. That is all.

Dating is very tricky if you are pre-op and into straight men and ->-bleeped-<-s creep you out.  Not impossible but tricky.

Men are pretty awesome actually. And if you are only seeing horndogs with no interest in a relationship, you might be looking in the wrong place, or be holding assumptions that cause you to overlook men who are perfect for you.
Straight men who would be happy to have, or prefer, a relationship or a life with a pre-op non-op woman, even if they were only 3% of the male population,  will outnumber us 10 to 1. And I believe the numbers are much higher. The challenge is just how to meet them and how to not overlook them when we do meet.
And don't forget bisexual men. They are at least five percent of the male population, outnumbering us 15 to 1, and most would gladly fall in love with the right trans woman.
I find being active and getting out, doing group activities around common interests, and being yourself, you will attract good men. But if you are looking for stereotypical males, or in other words are still buying in to male stereotypes, you will ignore, overlook, intimidate, or put off the kind of intelligent, affectionate, thoughtful, sensitive guys who adore us.

Do them a favor, help them find and love you. You are the woman of a good man's dreams.

I sincerely hope you are right Lana and its altogether possible the fault is with me. Im one difficult piece of work, no doubt about it and really opinionated with a great big mouth to boot. It takes one special person to get past all of that and see some of the really good qualities I have. I suck at relationships, being blunt here, truly and its one of the big regrets in my life. Some people are just better off alone. One thing for sure your positive attitude is way better than what I have.

You keep looking and stay positive. Im sure there is someone nice out there for you who wont give a care for whats between your legs which is how it should be. Im just being a big sour puss and doing a good job of rubbing you the wrong way which i really dont want to do.

I highly doubt the people who want to be in relationships (regardless of gender) would want to be with someone who views them as someone to be "trained" and who views them as sex crazed pigs. Heck, who would even want to be friends with someone who views them like that?
A healthy relationship requires mutual respect. One cannot have that if they can't respect the other person.

Quote from: Edge on January 09, 2014, 11:57:44 AM
I highly doubt the people who want to be in relationships (regardless of gender) would want to be with someone who views them as someone to be "trained" and who views them as sex crazed pigs. Heck, who would even want to be friends with someone who views them like that?
A healthy relationship requires mutual respect. One cannot have that if they can't respect the other person.

Amen to that line of thought!  :eusa_clap:

Quote from: Brooke777 on January 09, 2014, 11:02:05 AM
I apologize to you if my comment about treating men as though they were pets offended you. I meant it in good fun, and was not serious in any way.

not looking at any comment in particular. just annoyed as i always have been with the general negative attitude toward men.

its just frustrating because aside from the fact that women turn themselves into total hypocrites and total (insert word of choice)'s when they act like that. again no one in particular.

'hes always judging me and comparing me to other women. all he wants is sex and hes always trying to change me.' and then the next breath will be how muscled some other guy was and how her man needs to get in shape and learn better moves in bed. and shell finish it off with 'all men are just pigs'

its so F____ING FRUSTRATING

I don't think all men are pigs. However I do think most of them are haha. I love men but I love men with muscles who work out who are tall. I also love men with tattoos and can cook and are funny. I do think it takes a special kind of guy to be with a trans women regardless of what she has between her legs. I think trans women are hyper sensitive more so then cis women. I don't think we are that easy to deal with. And we are lucky if we do end up with a partner of either genders.

It is true that it is hard to meet the right type of people. I don't however think it is easy for anyone to find someone to date regardless of gender and sexuality. In this day and age dating means hooking up on the first date almost. And to take it slow and not sleep together so quickly people are like why not.

Being Trans' aside,I have had a male mentality all my life and male thought process.its true we are made different but I can promise you that not every man is a pig.I have treated my gf's like queens in every way.I dare consider myself very rare in such respects but it be even fair,woman do have a lot of emotional baggage (and for good reason to all the pigs) but unless those woman are willing to get rid of it,let the past go and try to get rid of the negative steriotypes,no good man will ever be willing to carry the baggage caused by another man.a good man wants a loving,confident,strong woman that will complete him,not dominate him.I know its hard sometimes but it is worth the effort.I mean if that kind of thing is an instant turn off for me as a good man then I wonder what it is for those who are cis.and that's the honest truth of it.and I dare say that this mentality is one reason it makes it very hard for me to be interested in any mft or stomach such lack of acceptance.the person should pay for their wrong doing,not an entire majority.I really hope things change though.

I personally have 5% hope in the 5% of men are are good. I know they are out there its finding them that is the problem LOL. I'm also a hopeless romantic so I do believe there is someone out there for me. It is just hard when you walk into or kiss so many frogs. I give props to guys who don't ask me sexual questions right off the bat LOL. Then again I do most of my dating online because it's just easier to share about my self. Some sites I use are for trans and other sites I have used is for non trans. I just tend to put that I am who I am on my profile. And gamble it that way.

Hmm. I think I understand what you mean, Lana. When I was presenting as female, I had that kind of problem with guys too. It does make things seem bleak. Not to mention, there is a lot of emphasis on sex. Personally, I wish there wasn't as much, but that may just be me.
I've had problems with women before too.
Maybe that's why people start hating humanity. People are much more interesting when viewed as individuals though. I'm rambling. Oops.

Quote from: Edge on January 09, 2014, 03:02:05 PM
Hmm. I think I understand what you mean, Lana. When I was presenting as female, I had that kind of problem with guys too. It does make things seem bleak. Not to mention, there is a lot of emphasis on sex. Personally, I wish there wasn't as much, but that may just be me.
I've had problems with women before too.
Maybe that's why people start hating humanity. People are much more interesting when viewed as individuals though. I'm rambling. Oops.

idk about the whole hating humanity thing and i ant say i have ever dated a woman. but yeah with guys as a woman you can have problems. and the worst part is some of them really just dont understand that it is a problem. its why they always told us in class (high school) be firm when you tell guys something and b clear. no mixed signals and repeat yourself if necessary. i love guys but we can have our issues from time to time. its why theirs so many movies and books about them. not to mention magazine articles.

I'm not interested in dating a man. It's not that they are pigs, I'm just not attracted to them physically. Personally I think it's not right to lump all men together, same with women. I myself have made the mistake of thinking there is something better than what I have. Looking back that mindset kept me from having something good with a few persons. I guess I'm saying it's not all ways the other persons fault. Being trans takes all the problems cis ppl have and makes things even more difficult, but I think there is happiness out there for all of us.

LJP I agree for happiness for all

Yeah, I love and respect men, but I do fear the ingrained transphobia that some seem to reflect.  Quite frankly, it makes me scared about dating because there are so many guys out there who are against transwomen and have made violent comments about us.  I'm sure there are loving and accepting men out there, but it is a daunting thing to date as a straight transwoman.  Even though dating isn't easy for anyone, I think we do have quite a challenge against us considering the general societal attitudes of many straight men.  And given the fact that I'm really in between genders (appearance wise) at the moment, it's hard for me because I don't know how to go about dating a guy when everything is so complicated.  Maybe it will be much easier once I decide to go fulltime and fully passing, but many men are still not accepting of transexuals in theory.   

Nonetheless, men are not pigs or dogs, they are people with feelings and desires jst like women.  Sure we have some typical differences, but everyone is different at the end of the day and gender doesn't define someone's overall character.  I hope to one day find a guy who I can love and respect that'll be able to extend the same feelings. 

Hey I am offended by comparing men to pigs too.


I grew up on a pig farm, and they are lovely animals!

:icon_biggrin:

I'm not sure of where I am on this one.

I like guys, especially cute ones, but really I haven't met too many jerks yet. Not that I've dated any though.

Hym.. I guess really the villain in this whole thing is the whole set in stone fear of being persecuted for dating anything other than the opposite cis born sex. Otherwise who would care really? There would still be preferences of course but none of the fear/hate that we experience now. It is changing but it's slow going as those types of things can be.

FWIW when I was presenting as F in my former life and dating men, yes, I'd say that most men I'd met only wanted sex, and I couldn't seem to get dates with other guys (not pretty enough; I was just average). Forget it after the divorce and being middle-aged! So right there, it's nothing new. 

The complicating factor for you ladies is having the extra appendage you don't want. That brings out a different group of men that only want sex, and for different reasons. 

Good men are out there, but they are hard to find.  Mostly I've learned to avoid dating sites and just start being out there and meeting people.  I found my perfect man but for a variety of reasons we can't date, so friends it is.  I haven't lost hope that I will meet and marry my soulmate one day.  And you ladies shouldn't, either.


Jay

I've never liked or dated men so I can't really comment from experience, but all I can say is, why bother "training" a guy? If he's a jerk just don't date him. People have to change on their own terms. I know I'd personally rather be single than try to change someone, and just wait until I met someone who was decent.

People have a hard enough time changing when they actually want to.   Nobody's gonna change just because you want them to.

Quote from: Jen on January 10, 2014, 05:02:07 PM
People have a hard enough time changing when they actually want to.   Nobody's gonna change just because you want them to.

The idea of changing a man is one of the biggest glitches in the cis female brain!

Quote from: Shantel on January 10, 2014, 05:31:48 PM
The idea of changing a man is one of the biggest glitches in the cis female brain!

I don't think women think they can change men, usually.  At least not the ones in my circles.  I think they get frustrated when a man doesn't do the right thing, then he thinks they are trying to change him.  Something is wrong, so it must be fixed, that is how men typically think (in my experience.)  He projects his way of thinking on her (she wants to fix me cuz I'm broken) but really she is just exasperated and venting.

This is not a frustrating thing about women.  It is a frustrating thing about men.

Imo!

Quote from: Jen on January 10, 2014, 11:26:37 PM
I don't think women think they can change men, usually.  At least not the ones in my circles.  I think they get frustrated when a man doesn't do the right thing, then he thinks they are trying to change him.  Something is wrong, so it must be fixed, that is how men typically think (in my experience.)  He projects his way of thinking on her (she wants to fix me cuz I'm broken) but really she is just exasperated and venting.

This is not a frustrating thing about women.  It is a frustrating thing about men.

Imo!

Well said, apparently I hadn't thought it through as well as you have Jen. Anyway it seems that 90+% of adult cis male behavior is learned and quite often even with a woman's incessant prompting they refuse to unlearn it, at least that's been my observation.