Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I love you and miss you. When you go away, I'm so afraid for you. And me... Outside of my mother, there is no woman I love more. And you are just my friend. I know you're tired. I know all this. I get a few precious moments with you and my heart leaps at my good fortune. But you leave in mid sentence and I'm left wondering what I said. I think maybe I said too much, needed you too much, relied on you too much and that's why you're gone. When you leave, I know it will be many months... of waiting, of fear for you, for your safety...

Why do you leave me? Don't you know that I love you more than anything? You are my sister and have nothing to hide. If this was all smoke and mirrors, if you told me some lie - I do not care. I just want my sister back. Please. I will always love you and accept you no matter what.

I feel like I wasted the precious time I had with you. Again. You come back and I think I have you for awhile - I'm so happy but somehow I always feel like you are here to stay. But you never are.
You are like some kind of fairy or ghost I see only in my dreams. You visit me for a short while and then you vanish. I have no proof you're real, only what's in my heart - the sister I needed. I want to run after you, catch you but there's nothing to catch. You're gone just like that. If only I could hold you for good. forever. If only you didn't go away. Where did you go? Why can't you hear me? Are you okay?

You are the only one who truly understands me. I need you. I need your guidance. You are the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I'm not even sure you're not a figment of my imagination. When you're gone, it's like I hold my breath for months and months, sometimes years.

You need time away. You take so much in from those you help and you need to be away and recuperate. That is understandable from everything you take on. Everyone who loves you relies so heavily on you. Because there is no one like you. So I guess we suck at your beautiful soul like piglets to a sow. Greedy bastards we are. We don't mean to. But you are water in a desert. A mirage. And so when you reappear, I hold on with everything I've got. Like a starving, dying man. I will worship you to the day I die. There is nothing I could ever find out about you that would bother me.

Please come back. I need to know you're alive. My dream is that you would be here forever and always be here by my side. That I would never lose you again. But that's not to be. And when you reappear, I get happy and arrogant - 'wow she's back. She'll be here for this or that event in my life. No need to rush. I have plenty of time to tell her...' But I don't. Somehow I never said what I needed to say and you weren't around for what I needed you to know.

Where do you go when you disappear? Do my cries of your name echo there? Do you hear anything? Or maybe you're not real. Maybe I dreamed up the most beautiful, feminine soul possible to guide me? Too beautiful to be real...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo

To the Boy with No Name,

You and I both know that's nothing more than a poetic moniker, something I coined to identify you in the acknowledgements section of my first novel. The truth is that not only could I not remember the proper spelling of your first name, I wanted to give you privacy if you're still living.

And I hope to GOD you still are.

You taught me so much about myself. And it scared the bejesus out of me. I wish I had been in a place to appreciate your lessons. But if I had, what else about my life would have changed? Would I still have gotten married and had the blessings of raising two wonderful humans? I don't know. Until I met you I'd thought that I was simply a straight boy.

Imagine that.

But our encounters scared me. I couldn't even think about gay persons for a while without feeling ill. And so I threw away your letters and purposefully lost your address. I even threw away the shirt from that Fateful Day. I wanted nothing to remind me that I'd been sexual with a boy.

If you could only see me now and not feel bile rising at knowing how I'd betrayed you, then you would be even more beautiful than I could ever truly appreciate. I never should have cut off contact that abruptly with you. That was cowardly and it will haunt me till the end of my days.

L if you're still out there, please forgive me. If you're watching me from the Beyond and speak to the Powers advising a long time in Purgatory for my sins, that would be more than just. That I could act like a 'phobe sickens me, these two and a half decades later.

L I'm so sorry. I should have loved you.

There are beings out there who embody the goodness in humanity.  There are many names for folks like that.  I just call them "angels."  And FA, we both know one.  :'(

Quote from: Constance on January 12, 2014, 09:41:48 PM
To the Boy with No Name,

You and I both know that's nothing more than a poetic moniker, something I coined to identify you in the acknowledgements section of my first novel. The truth is that not only could I not remember the proper spelling of your first name, I wanted to give you privacy if you're still living.

And I hope to GOD you still are.

You taught me so much about myself. And it scared the bejesus out of me. I wish I had been in a place to appreciate your lessons. But if I had, what else about my life would have changed? Would I still have gotten married and had the blessings of raising two wonderful humans? I don't know. Until I met you I'd thought that I was simply a straight boy.

Imagine that.

But our encounters scared me. I couldn't even think about gay persons for a while without feeling ill. And so I threw away your letters and purposefully lost your address. I even threw away the shirt from that Fateful Day. I wanted nothing to remind me that I'd been sexual with a boy.

If you could only see me now and not feel bile rising at knowing how I'd betrayed you, then you would be even more beautiful than I could ever truly appreciate. I never should have cut off contact that abruptly with you. That was cowardly and it will haunt me till the end of my days.

L if you're still out there, please forgive me. If you're watching me from the Beyond and speak to the Powers advising a long time in Purgatory for my sins, that would be more than just. That I could act like a 'phobe sickens me, these two and a half decades later.

L I'm so sorry. I should have loved you.

aww  :'( Was this someone here, Connie?

Quote from: Jamie D on January 12, 2014, 09:51:14 PM
There are beings out there who embody the goodness in humanity.  There are many names for folks like that.  I just call them "angels."  And FA, we both know one.  :'(

Yes. I want my sister back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops

You are the most beautiful thing ever and you will be loved no matter what, my precious sister:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIjVuRTm-dc

Please just let me know you're ok.

Quote from: FA on January 12, 2014, 10:00:56 PM
aww  :'( Was this someone here, Connie?

Oh, did I misread the subject? I read it as posting a tribute here on this forum to someone. But you meant post a tribute to someone here FROM this forum. Right? If so, then I goofed. Sorry.

Quote from: Constance on January 12, 2014, 10:46:48 PM

Quote from: FA on January 12, 2014, 10:00:56 PM
aww  :'( Was this someone here, Connie?

Oh, did I misread the subject? I read it as posting a tribute here on this forum to someone. But you meant post a tribute to someone here FROM this forum. Right? If so, then I goofed. Sorry.

No, it's okay hon. Whatever someone needs to say someone out there is fine whether they're from here or not. And your tribute was lovely and heartfelt. I hope the man in question sees it.  :)

To Susan and all the moderators here, you are appreciated very much. A song goes out to you all Chicago's "Your the Inspiration"!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=CRfy1yorkec

For the people who make my life worth living:

YOU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=vFD2gu007dc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=vFD2gu007dc)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbUWw1SKc8Q

Sorry, hurts too much to write anything.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 12, 2014, 10:55:53 PM
To Susan and all the moderators here, you are appreciated very much. A song goes out to you all Chicago's "Your the Inspiration"!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=CRfy1yorkec

Awww how sweet! Thanks hon!

To the same person in my original post and while I don't mean this in a romantic kind of a way, I still mean pretty much each word said here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeRJ1LOMiz4

I didn't mean to burden you with everything you're going through. Really. I'm so sorry. Please come back! I love you!

Oh wow, I really like this idea as I have been thinking about it for the last couple of days.  I think I'm going to post a tribute on here.  I just got to find the right words to say.

Quote from: Malachite on January 13, 2014, 11:08:32 AM
Oh wow, I really like this idea as I have been thinking about it for the last couple of days.  I think I'm going to post a tribute on here.  I just got to find the right words to say.

Can't wait to see it!

Quote from: FA on January 12, 2014, 10:53:12 PM
I hope the man in question sees it.  :)

Heh, I addressed my tribute to "The Boy with No Name," but 1986 was a long time ago. We were both 16 then. You're right; I should've addressed it to the Man with No Name.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg97JiBn1kE

to several people.

A Small Tribute To Myself:

Malachite, you don't give yourself enough credit.  You are a strong person.  Just know that even if those who are the closest to you abandon you, even if the whole world abandons you, I will always be your friend.  If your mother abandons you, if your father abandons you, if your sisters abandon you, if the love of your life abandons you, if your friends abandon you, if your church members abandon you, you will always have me.  I have been with you ever since you were born and I will die with you.  Now, is it great to have amazing, supportive people in your life?  Heck yes!  Will it hurt if those people leave your life?  Heck yes, but please know that the only one you truly need in your life is God.

Malachite, though you may be about 256 unhealthy pounds of fat on the outside, on the inside, you are nearly built like a gladiator.  Of course, you still have chinks in your armor emotionally as you are allegedly human and many humans have emotions, but you have a fire of resiliency in you that allows you to continue on fighting when life takes it's mighty sword and creates gashes on your legs, arms, and chest.  Will those gashes completely heal?  Probably not.   Do you have scars from past slashes?  Yup, sure do and plenty of them. Can a broken Malachite be completely restored?  Probably not, but you keep on fighting no matter what.  You're going to be a man or you're going to die trying.


No matter what happens, we will always have each other. I have been with you pre-transition and I will be with you mid-transition and post-transition.  I will be loyal to you in this life and in the next life.  This is why I dedicate the "Friends" song to you, because after all:

"Friends through eternity

Loyalty

Honesty

We'll stay together through thick or thin

Friends forever, we'll be together

We're on top, cause we play to win!"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9aF9_mZDyY&list=HL1389648154

You're my friend.  You're my buddy.  We will get through this.  Also, here's another song for you.  I think this is just what you need to listen to, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1lm9wfz-zE&list=HL1389648154

Keep holding on to your vision, Malachite.  I'll be right there when you cross the finish line.  In fact, I'll be running alongside  with you.  :)

You're awesome, Malachite.  Always remember that.

As you were, soldier.

Malachite, I agree with every single word that you posted to yourself.

Although, I doubt all 256 pounds of you is unhealthy fat, at a certain point you'd just end up anorexic and/or dead. :P lol

Quote from: caleb. on January 13, 2014, 04:17:43 PM
Although, I doubt all 256 pounds of you is unhealthy fat, at a certain point you'd just end up anorexic and/or dead. :P lol

I knew someone would bring that up.   :P  I was just lazy to figure out how much body fat I actually had.

Lol, well I'm glad I beat the others to the punch. Though, now all I can see is you consisting of 256 pounds of pure fat and moving around like Jabba the Hutt.

Quote from: FA on January 12, 2014, 10:37:21 PM
Yes. I want my sister back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops

You are the most beautiful thing ever and you will be loved no matter what, my precious sister:

Please just let me know you're ok.

:'(

Quote from: caleb. on January 13, 2014, 04:32:19 PM
Lol, well I'm glad I beat the others to the punch. Though, now all I can see is you consisting of 256 pounds of pure fat and moving around like Jabba the Hutt.

Haha I feel like it sometimes, that and a mutated Carla from RE 6

Quote from: Malachite on January 13, 2014, 04:41:36 PM
Haha I feel like it sometimes, that and a mutated Carla from RE 6

I so love that you thought of that. When I imagined a blob with a face, I thought of Carla too. Would you also regenerate? I will dine on your meats and suck the jelly from your donutsssss.

OK, we derailed an otherwise nice thread. I'll post a tribute tonight.

To my friends here at Susan's, I offer the poem "Love After Love" by Derek Walcott.

Quote
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, the to stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

He probably doesnt know who he is... But this is how i feel...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-gyZ35074k

Not really a tribute so to speak, but a song for all of my brothers and sisters to start their day out on. Live like to the fullest family and don't let the world get you down!  :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=iPUmE-tne5U

Even though I could be thinking of the wrong person, the initial post does make me think specifically of someone that I miss.  She's an amazing asset to this site and her words moved me more than she probably knew.  Her insight was extremely valuable as was her compassion.   It really saddens me to know that there is concern about her whereabouts and safety.  If there is anything I can say, it would be that I hope all is well.  I mean that sincerely. 

There are many people that I could right tributes about, but I would get too emotional.  At the end of the day, it's really shocking how an online community can introduce you to such wonderful and caring people.  It's sad to see some of them are no longer here, but that's life.  What I do know is that everyone here in someway has left a mark on me and has taught me something.