Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm in hell right now... I told my mother when I was really young that I was a girl... and she wrote me off as being a young kid and told me how wrong I was and how wrong that would be... so i kept it inside and tried to fight it although i wanted nothing more than to look the way i felt... i tried so hard to be happy and pretend i was normal i had kids and i got married and my life became a big game of pretend and every now and then i'd have a vision of reality and the illusionary foundation would fall away and i'd feel what i tried to deny and bury and it hurt and made me helpless... i felt so guilty i was living with someone who never really knew me and i used my guilt to deny it... i also felt guilty about my children who didnt know the real me either... and the helplessness and suffering became severe depression and finally blind hatred for myself took control and i decided if i was stuck as a man then surely god had cursed me and in return i renounced god and went on a warpath of self destruction... i went on steroids because i figured maybe i felt the way i do because i have low testosterone and it'll make me hard and masculine... i was always soft and curvy... but still i longed to be me and as the years passed it got stronger and stronger and it was screaming inside... and anger fell to utter despair and death became my resolution and i lost everyone in my life... and throughout my wild drug and med riddled depravity and suicide attempts my inner truth never left and i promised myself that if somehow i lived i was going to finally take steps to being me and not pretending or building impenetrable walls around my reality... and in the presence of death i became sorrowfully aware of the life and time i wasted... and i accepted myself and decided i wasnt going to deny it anymore... little did i know the doubt and denial that almost everyone left in my life would heap on me... and i'm fighting so hard at staying true but i feel so alone and scared and used to living a lie that i argue with myself about myself... so wish i would have followed my heart when i was younger... but i'm not giving up on myself again because it will kill me... but i have such a hard road to travel now... i'm like really masculine and my years of denial have made people think i'm just plain crazy or i'm lying... or their so religious they cant accept it... so ready to move on

You are not alone.  You have your friends here.

We have traveled those same trails.  We get it, even when it seems no one else does.

I have a wife of 30 years.  Four adult kids.  Lived the way society expected some with my body to live.  It nearly killed me.  Even with low T, high E, and boobs.

I had my reckoning three years ago.  It sort of clicked.  I am trying to make up for lost ground.  But I don't regret the past 30 years, I just look forward to what time I have left.

A big warm welcome to the family! Your story is a carbon copy of almost everyone here. We know exactly how you feel because most of us have been there, then we all found this place. You are never too old to transition and become the real you. I started transition at age 47 and am now 48. I missed a lot being locked up inside myself, but it did have a bright side if you call it that. Repressing myself for so long made me thankful for what I am now. All of those years of internal combat made me strong and determined. Look at my avatar picture, not real passable is it? Well guess what? No one yet has looked at or commented on me in public. Why? My therapist who has accompanied me out several times said I pass because I believe who I am now heart and soul. He says I own the role I play now and that translates into passing. I move free and convincing and do not worry about the views of others. You can do this and be very successful, you just have to believe in yourself and who you are. Put away any guilt or other negative emotions and live for yourself, not others. Do not hold yourself subject to the cookie cutter patterns of who other expect you to be. They have their lives, you should have yours. I overcame odds just like yours so I am confident in your abilities to do something about your current conditions. This family is a great place to start to learn how to become the real you. Let myself and the others help you climb out of the destruction and arise a beautiful Phoenix! :)

Thanks so much for the support! I'm so stupid for not talking more in here. I'm at a critical point in my life and i want to leave the negative behind and be happy and positive but it seems so hard sometimes. Like i have a love of being depressed and it scares me.

All of us have hit that moment of critical mass, it is what you do when you hit it. A lot turn to alcohol or drugs which is not the right decision. Most want to do something about the situation, but don't know what or how. This family can help with guidance and compassion. None of us left the bad memories behind, but we are doing something to make better happier memories. Here you can find answers and make an informed decision as to your future. My Dysphoria got to the point of me almost taking my life. I am glad I didn't because with the support I found here I am well on the road to transition and am happy and excited about my future for the first time in my life. First, take a deep breath and relax. Second, find yourself a good therapist experienced in gender issue's. In most places you have to have a letter from them to begin HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) and most definitely for GRS (Genital Reconstructive Surgery). Start there and progress however you see fit to do. :)

Quote from: Heidi Clare Fitz on January 20, 2014, 02:45:30 AM
Thanks so much for the support! I'm so stupid for not talking more in here. I'm at a critical point in my life and i want to leave the negative behind and be happy and positive but it seems so hard sometimes. Like i have a love of being depressed and it scares me.

Hey there. I like rainy days now and again, but the weather is so much better when the sun is shining in my face.

We are a gabby lot around here.  We enjoy new company.  ;)

Welcome friend, hugs.

I am 51, started transition at 50, married 20 years and 1 16 yo (g). I started transition because I was at bottom and knew it was get help or end the pain. I am 8 months on HTR and 1 year in therapy and I look forward to tomorrow. I made a promise to myself on 12-12-2012, the rest of my life is for me.

I accepted I most likely would lose my wife, child, career (26  years) and family. (I keep away from my childhood friends due to my addiction issues). I have only gained and not lost anything to date. What I have gained is complete calm and an un-fogged brain. I can see colors that are vivid and bright. There are so many good things and plenty of time to experience them. I connected with my inner girl and as I progress I am expressing her on the outside. My façade is being dismantled block by block. 

Hugs.