Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I'm really trying to come to terms with whatever is going on with me.

I've recently let myself consciously acknowledge that based on my personal history and thought patterns, that due to whatever, I was born male, but have a persistent desire to be a woman, and at least some of my many emotional issues may be due to gender dysphoria.

I get this intellectually.  I also get that generally, this is not likely to go away.  I'm not trying to deny that these feelings are there or even to deny that I might be helped by HRT or transition.  I'm in therapy with someone specialized in transgender issues, and this thread is just me trying to focus my thoughts a little.

I don't want to want to be a woman.  I just don't.  I'll have to pull down my entire life and rebuild it.  This requires money, time and effort I don't want to invest.

I don't know how else to deal with that but I am searching for a solution.

Am I crazy for wanting to try everything I can before transitioning?

I don't think so.

Transitioning is difficult. I like easy, so I can't say I find the idea of rebuilding my entire life appealing either. I certainly wouldn't blame you (or anyone) for looking for less radical solutions first.

A lot of people don't transition. A lot of people deal with their body/mind gender conflict by finding ways to express and feel their internal gender without making it public.

However, I'll make one suggestion: Monitor your well-being carefully. If your dysphoria gets to the point where it eats you up from the inside, allow yourself to consider all options.

This would be the obligatory point where I point you toward a GID therapist and tell you to do some digging. Read Kate Bornstein. You may be genderqueer, a cross dresser, or a fetishist. You *might* be trans but that's a whole ball of wax right there and until you actually do some research (and a bit of work) on your own, you'll probably have no clue what you are and thus, have no clue what you want or need to do for next steps.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 20, 2014, 05:20:53 AM
So, I'm really trying to come to terms with whatever is going on with me.   ...

Coming to terms with gender is difficult in it's own right, and you shouldn't add transition into acceptance of who you are.  Transition is something that happens for some of us, but definitely not all. 

"If" you ever transition that decision will come along by itself, and the absolute need to move on will be so very clear.  And if you do transition you'll understand why there's no other choice.  Please consider the other wonderful possiblilities you have in life, and only move forward if you come to the point where you must.  You're a unique and wonderful person as you are, and how you grow is entirely up to you. 

So Robin, here's a few hugs from the other side.  Kathy.

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on January 20, 2014, 07:07:26 AM
I point you toward a GID therapist and tell you to do some digging.

Got one.  Going for a 2nd appt. on Thursday.

 

Well you can do what countless people do when faced with something difficult..........they make excuses for not doing it. Or you can just do it like the commercial says.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 20, 2014, 05:20:53 AM
I don't want to want to be a woman.  I just don't.  I'll have to pull down my entire life and rebuild it.  This requires money, time and effort I don't want to invest.

I feel the same way. Flipping my life completely over from male to female at 51, losing my long time marriage, being an awkward and physically unattractive female, possibly losing my job and being ostracized, possibly being alone for the rest of my life, and all of the other unknowns that lie ahead of me - I did not want. But alas, it seems that I am female...... so for me I have to do this.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 20, 2014, 05:20:53 AM
I don't know how else to deal with that but I am searching for a solution.

Am I crazy for wanting to try everything I can before transitioning?

No, absolutely not.

There are lots of other possibilities and all of them should be explored before making the choice to transition. You could be genderqueer or bigender or androgyne, and realizing that you fit into one of those categories just might settle things for you. 

Also, you are taking steps to deal with your issue - you are seeing a therapist and that's a HUGE step forward.

There really is no rush and you want to make the correct choices - so take your time, think it over, evaluate things carefully, and figure out who you are.

Quote from: Cisyphus on January 20, 2014, 07:35:03 AM
Got one.  Going for a 2nd appt. on Thursday.

Good deal! Keep that up for starters. Like I said, do some reading and allow yourself the freedom to actually explore the *range* of gender expression. It might get more pronounced as you age, it might not. There are so many ways to be yourself and many of us here are products of a society that only says that one way to present is acceptable. You have a range of possibilities and full transition is the furthest option on that line. You've got time and you've got options. Don't worry it over too much. Life won't end, regardless of what you choose and finding the right place on the spectrum will improve your quality of living without question.

QuoteAm I crazy for wanting to try everything I can before transitioning?

Absolutely not!

I think it's critical to explore everything because everyone's solution to this is unique.

IMO, the worst thing you can do is pretend you can ignore your dysphoria. You've conquered half the battle by simply facing it.

Allow yourself time and patience. Don't forget the other things in your life and add new things, be sure to continue to live happy regardless of where your exploration takes you.

I don't wish what I went through on any one. It took a long time of dealing with what I couldn't understand. To be honest , I just came to the end of the line and had to try or die. It took a long time of struggle though. I finally found an accepting therapist who is helping me. It seems tough that you know you don't want to transition. I never really understood the transition option and no therapist ever offered it to me. I was in denial so long though and really never told  any one I had an incredibly severe desire to be female. I carried this thing by my self because it wasn't what most people deal with every day. The best thing to do is put it all on the table with a caring professional and see the options. Openness is the best policy . I know it's incredibly painful . My problem was that I know I'm female I just tried to solve my problem on my own and it didn't work.

Nobody really wants to be transgender.  I mean, who in their right mind wants to send that proverbial wrecking ball through their life to see what it may or may not destroy?

In the end, I could not live without estrogen nor presenting myself as the woman I always pictured myself as being.  Screw the consequences, whatever they were, they couldn't be worse than the miserable life I had been barely tolerating.

I'm a happy camper now after one year on estrogen tomorrow.

I would suggest at least trying estrogen for a month (with medical supervision, of course!) to see if it helps mentally before the physical changes set in.

I think it is entirely reasonable to transition only to the degree that is needed to make your life tolerable.

For me that means removing body hair and taking estrogen.  I have deliberately avoided counseling and RLT because that always keeps SRS at least a year away.

Many people find that a low dose of estrogen will lower the level of dysphoria.  I don't know of anyone who suddenly woke up one day and decided it would be a good time to change their sex.  Some people can't be satisfied without a full transition.  Only time will tell if my delaying tactics will work.

Transition is never easy for anyone.

Randi   

Robin (almost didn't realise it was you in your new Cisyphus guise...a great analogy) the most important thing is that you discover what works for you, that you find yourself. Keep in mind that that sense of self will often change or develop further just as you work something out. Regardless of how far you decide to take your gender exploration and expression it's important you feel happy with that.

We are all gendernauts, going boldly where no cis person has gone before! ;)

Great posts
I am about a year in therapy and am outside the Benjamine norms, although loosely stage 4 TS.  For me, hormones have made a HUGE difference, still ramping up at 55.  Emotionally and physically.  They did not reduce my libido too much they made it easier to handle. The therapist has helped me save the marrage and navigate these very difficult waters.  Fortunately for me he is good and been at it 40 years.  Also fortunate for me they put me on the hormones even though I don't exactly fit Benjamine.

I live as a male, normally, in society, and for some reason I am quite comforable with that.  I also have B cups, actually one B and one A, hate body hair, and cannot cut my nails without extreme frustration and discomfort.  And living as a disguised mtf preop I keep a beard to deflect issues.  Hate it but my wife needs to see something of the familiar me.  As far as I am concerned I was born TS (the DES controversy, true for me) am physically wired totally female, but the cognitive is generally male.  The beard is a mask I see the woman under it clearly.

Everyone is different.  Some people don't fit Benjamine, or AutoGyn (which is a screwed up theory), but are most definitely dysphoric.  The key is to be true to yourself, and if you can accommodate others needs too, it can save a lot of pain.

I crossdressed for decades, and after 25 years of marrage had to break this to my wife.  You need a good therapist to do that delicately.  It was painful, but living honestly and without fear has been priceless.

Hang in there.  We need a lot of support to get to where we can embrace our needs with joy.

I live stealth.   Loose clothes.  Sweaters.  Long nails (yum).  But my hair comes down (or gets put on) whenever I catch a break.  And for a 55 start I have nice boobs and they will remain real, hoping for a solid B.

Just my story.  I'm lucky.  At 55 to transition its sometimes called "hitting the wall."  And I don't think you can fight it, or should fight it, not if you really are TS.  I couldn't and I tried to.  It was unhealthy to do that, I could have lost everything.

My biggest problem now is keeping my estrogen in place under my tongue, and being patient with my new "girls".  :)

Good luck

I want to add one more thing to this post - every single comment by everyone has helped me tremendously.  What wisdom!  Now I dont feel so alone, and have more hope that the dysphoria might not progress farther than where it is now.  I do feel the progression but its not unmanageable yet, and I don't think SRS is realistic for me.  Yet.

This thing is so powerful it can destabilize me quickly.  I have never encountered anything like this before.  I cling hard to Christ daily, and He continues to hold me and to help me.  I am so greatful that transitioning did not mean losing Him, instead He keeps me sane and able to help others.  And directly intervened for my marrage.  I know I can feel Him. 

Sure hope I get a woman's body in heaven. But this is off topic.

Thank you folks for giving me strength to face another day and the courage to be the way I was designed in the womb.  Its been a long journey already and a year on psychotherapy, 8 months on hormones.

Gosh this thing is scary.

I think the prudent question for the OP is that if you didn't have to explain it to people or pay for it or start over if you could just magically wake up to being a female you, but you couldn't go back would you do it?

The thing is there is no right answer, but the answer may shed some light on what might make you happiest. Not to say that outcomes will always be better if we follow through with difficult choices. I would guess with something so potentially damaging like transition more than a few people have lost relationships or other things that they valued more than themselves. I would think the majority have better outcomes doing difficult things but not everyone for sure.

Quote from: Hikari on January 31, 2014, 06:25:39 AM
I think the prudent question for the OP is that if you didn't have to explain it to people or pay for it or start over if you could just magically wake up to being a female you, but you couldn't go back would you do it?

Wow.  I really surprised myself.

My answer was an emphatic, absolute yes.

Robin:

I look at your avatar and think "This girl has to change her perspective on life."   So instead of pushing that boulder up a hill try jumping hurdles for a while.  You'll find it's easier to just walk around some of the things that block the way.

Please don't take this as criticism or anything like that.  I only want the best for you, and every other transgendered person finding a way through this f'd up world. 

Hugs hun.

Or make the boulder your female self :)

Hi Robin,
In answer to your question; No, you are NOT crazy for investigating every avenue prior to the inevitable. However, be aware you don't fall into the "Can't see the forest for the trees Syndrome."

Have you considered  the possibility you don't, "want to want to be a woman," because you are already? What we are talking about here is all to do with your brain gender.

And yes, if the inevitable is true in your case, then a total rebuild of your life is part of the price that has to be paid to placate your brain gender. HT may make this somewhat clearer.

Huggs
Catherine

The "inevitable" is your own word. I would never encourage transition(it's documentably problematic) Certainly exhaust all possibilities for you. Do remember the vast majority of gender variant people never transition and the majority that do transition don't make it surgical.

Robin, I have been exactly where you are for decades. I have thought long and hard about what it means to tear down my life, and replace it with something completely unknown. That thought has utterly terrified me. I believe subconsciously, I have done things and made decisions deliberately to sabotage my ability to easily transition, because I didn't want to be even confronted with the possibility. But the war within myself has become so painful, that I must do something. I have made the decision to start hormones, and that will begin in a couple of weeks. I am going to start out with a fairly low dose to see if it feels right for me. If the verdict is yes, I gradually increase it. I have not fully committed to full transition yet, but I am planing for it, and doing a number of things to put my life into a better position for me to do it. My suspicion is that the hormones will feel absolutely right, and I will want to accelerate things.

Keep forgetting to change my avatar. :)

It weird because I've been vaguely TG my whole adult life and known it, but the actual realization that my gender may just be female is mind blowing.  I'm taking it slow.

Quote from: RobinTheAmazon on January 31, 2014, 06:35:31 AM
Wow.  I really surprised myself.

My answer was an emphatic, absolute yes.

It seems to me that you are not afraid of being female. You are afraid of having to tell people you are female.

I do not blame you. Transition is horribly destructive, however you will never achieve any peace if you fail to be honest with yourself.

Quote from: RobinTheAmazon on January 31, 2014, 06:35:31 AM
Wow.  I really surprised myself.

My answer was an emphatic, absolute yes.

If that is the case, then it really does simplify things a bit. Then the question starts to become "is it worth it to attempt to be that which you want?", because as I alluded to in my previous post some people define their happiness, and at times even their sense of self from other people. As strange as it would seem transition requires at least a certain amount of love for oneself, since it is almost always easier from other peoples point of view not to transition.

I remember when I asked myself the same question I asked in the previous post, I came up with yes as well, but also had some incredible misgivings about the repercussions. At the time when I got to the point that I realized that I would only really be able to be happy as a woman, I was in a terrible state to actually do so. I wasn't out to my wife at the time, only one of my friends knew, I didn't have a job, or transportation, or parents who could take me in. I was so worried about being homeless or getting into a situation with such despair that I would take my own life. I sense this might be a bit of the driver of your trepidation as well.

I wrote a blog post here, years ago now Called "research suggests, don't jump the gun" https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,100573.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,100573.0.html) and basically I followed that an it really saved me. I never moved quicker than I thought safe, When I wrote that 2 and a half years ago, I had just got a part time job at a retail store but I was still totally dependent on other people, but the idea alone that I could transition and do so successfully if I just planned things out and didn't do anything faster than I should really has seemed to work out okay for me.

Now, that has been moving really, really slow in my view, I am not a patient woman, I want a body that conforms to my mind; but I did gain total independence, I tripled my income, I bought a car, I came out to everyone who was important to me and when I did no one hated me for it, and I got on hormones. Sure, some people have completed their entire transition in less than 2 years, and I suspect it will be another 2 for me before I have SRS, but really it seems outcomes are pretty heavily tied to planning and having the resources to accomplish what you need to accomplish.

I really hope some of this helped, it is a very legitimate worry that upending your life could just leave you worse than you started, stuck somewhere mid transition, but if you are careful you can really do a great deal to minimize any problems like that, and have a much better chance to having great outcomes.

Robin, I struggled with the girl for decades. It was bloody awful. After years of psychotherapy, I came out to my wife when I was 58. Not much intimacy any more, but at least we are still together. When I was 59, I started HRT. I still present publicly as male more or less, mostly as a compromise for the love of my life, but the hormone therapy has lifted the tremendous stone from the slope in front of me. I know I would be happier with electrolysis (over waxing), FFS, a tracheal shave and vocal fold shortening, but I don't know if I can go that far comfortably at 60.

As was pointed out severally in the thread, no one wants to be TG, but if you are, eventually she will express herself, the world about you will observe certain casual signs, tokens and words; your best choice- embrace the girl, somehow. You can't ignore her. She isn't going away. The last couple of years I have been getting to know Ellie. I like her. I'm sorry I didn't let her out a lot sooner, but late is better than never :D

Quote from: Hikari on January 31, 2014, 02:17:17 PM
wrote a blog post here, years ago now Called "research suggests, don't jump the gun" https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,100573.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,100573.0.html)

Great post! Great thread!

I think I've gotten to the point where I can admit that I'm a girl doing a terrible job of pretending to be a man, but operating in a male body.  This is big.


I'm just trying to let it wash over me

Good place to be Robin.
I can see that boulder getting much smaller. Soon it'll disappear completely and the slope will diminish. Just keep doing what you're  doing. Moving forward.

Huggs
Catherine

Resistance is futile !

Quote from: peky on January 31, 2014, 07:46:25 PM
Resistance is futile !

Amen to that, Sistaaaaa.

Quote from: peky on January 31, 2014, 07:46:25 PM
Resistance is futile !

And that can be quite sad to watch. I'm watching the marriage of a friend be destroyed as she fights to hold onto two worlds. As I said to my therapist, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but the girl will win and she'll end up transitioning eventually.

"I have made the decision to start hormones, and that will begin in a couple of weeks. I am going to start out with a fairly low dose to see if it feels right for me. If the verdict is yes, I gradually increase it. I have not fully committed to full transition yet, but I am planing for it, and doing a number of things to put my life into a better position for me to do it. My suspicion is that the hormones will feel absolutely right, and I will want to accelerate things."

To April:  I did this gradually, but with shrinks letter, endo guy, etc, although my dysphoria would have driven me to desperate measures to get them.  It is imperative to work with the shrink/docs if you are not already.

Hormones for me we started and stopped because I couldn't control myself well in the begining.  Far better to do it right.  It did however confirm quickly my mental love of estrogen.  Huge difference.

To all - what a thread.  Huge help to me too.

"I think the prudent question for the OP is that if you didn't have to explain it to people or pay for it or start over if you could just magically wake up to being a female you, but you couldn't go back would you do it?"

This was an eye opener thanks for posting it.  It confirmed my decision which is not to do SRS indefinitely and to continue living stealth - male presentation until I get behind closed doors, a preop TS in disguise, and happy about all of it.

Stage 4 Benjamin, loosely.  Some of that doesn't fit well but I'm not a TV either.  We are all very different is all about finding yourself and getting rid of self deception.  I needed a lot of help with that one.  I work construction as an estimator, I race professionally, professionally act, do lots of mentally male stuff, and feel totally physically girl under all of that.  And my reaction to what I see in the mirror is intense.  Another Danika LOL.

I think its great to have that immediate yes.  You wont be as conflicted as I was.  For me, I hate seeing the balls and the beard but I can tolerate it, and have to learn that it is part of my beauty - from the neck down.  And at 5'9 and 138 on 8 months of hormones, I look pretty delicious.  One shave and I'm free!  But the wife and kids needs that small sacrifice and my dysphoria is such that  I can handle it since I know the beard is just a disguise, another role to play, for a season.

Everyone sounds so wise!  So helpful! So mature!

One reason for the maturity of this thread is that it's us older girls who've invested too much time in our outer shells that have more to lose.  I'm glad other people got a lot out of this thread. :)

Quote from: peky on January 31, 2014, 07:46:25 PM
Resistance is futile !

This is me. I must transition fully to be happy. I know this now more than ever after a month on hrt. I won't rehash what I've said in other posts. But I'm one of the older girls too at 50 and I've just lived too long trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I make a very poor male anyway. I couldn't look male if I tried even before hrt unless I wore shoulder pads to make my shoulders wider, and wore the baggyest clothes I can find. I'd have to wear a ski mask too cause my face would give me away as a girl every time, lol!

If I didn't have to explain it, pay for it, etc., and wake up tomorrow as the girl I know I am with all the right parts with no going back, would I do it? My answer is a very emphatic YES! ;)