Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My earliest memory is dressing up as a girl, playing in a make believe kitchen with friends when I was 4 or 5 years old. I've been crossdressing my entire life, in the past it was mainly a sexual thing that I did during masturbation but lately it has grown to something else I think. I've been questioning my true gender for the last 2 years and I cant seem to figure it out!

I spoke with a therapist online last year but he seemed to be very pushy in pushing me to transsexualism and was not very helpfull, I ended up stopping those sessions because I felt unfulfilled by the help he was offering.

Reasons why I'm probably transsexual:

- I fantasize daily about having a female body, to the point that it sometimes affects my daily tasks
- Crossdressing no longer fulfills that need, it kinda makes it worse. The crossdressing is more a tool to fake my mind in seeing a woman in the mirror under the clothes. Its not about the clothes anymore. Its to simulate a female body.
- I rarely masturbate without fantasizing being a girl in the fantasy
- I feel super uncomfortable having to fit in in a group of guys and feel afraid of showing any feminine traits
- In contrary, I feel super comfortable in a group of women, it feels like I can be myself in that group. Not having to fake masculinity as with a group of guys
- When I see a woman walk past, my mind goes straight to jealousy, wishing I was her. That I could be outside as a woman looking like a woman
- I never ever thought the previous comment when seeing a handsome guy walk past. I never wish to be a handsome guy. I always wish to be smaller, a woman, not buff.
- When someone calls me a masculine pronoun I die a little inside
- When someone refers to me as "her" or "she" I get these warm happy feelings inside and cant stop smiling
- If the imaginary button exists that would transform me into a woman with everyone remembering me as a woman, I would press it immediately without hesitation.

Reasons why I'm probably just a crossdresser:
- I never felt like a woman trapped in a body, I would just prefer the woman body over the male body
- These trans feelings only started to happen when I went outside as a girl and it might have been a fetish run loose
- I don't hate my penis
- I don't really hate my body, the idea of becoming a woman excited me, but having a male body is not depressing to me
- When I'm actively busy with a task, the gender dysphoria is not on my mind. Seems to only be an internal struggle when I'm doing nothing
- I never wished to become a girl before 25 years old

Writing these down helped me a lot and settle me down. I feel like I need to figure this out as soon as possible. I'm 29 years old now and it feels like now or never. I have a desire to become a woman, but I dont want to transition. The transition aspect scares me. Loosing my partner (she told me she would leave me if I ever would transition), how my family will react (my sister is very homophobic), fear of loosing my job (very male driven environment), the fear of passing (I'm 29 years old, I might never have the body or frame that allows me to wear clothes that I want to wear as a woman).

Even though it might confuse you a bit further, you should maybe consider also if some non-binary identities, such as genderfluid or bigender might fit you better than crossdresser or transexual. In case you are not familiar with them, there is a good listing of them at nonbinary.org...

I have a similar family and work situation as you, being genderfluid does allow me to still be the guy I am expected to be by family and work, and also be the woman I often feel I am elsewhere. It is a bit more difficult in some ways to be this way, but it also has it's rewards.

Hi SerenityTG,

from how you describe your feelings and thoughts, I'd say you are transgendered with the usual fears and doubts we all have at one time or another.

Your reasonings for being a CD are the same issues TG people are confronted with.

If you were to work through the doubts and fears you mentioned in your last paragraph, I think, would strengthen your case to transition or not. Clothing styles, not age will determine how well you will be perceived as a woman. Essentially, "passing" is how you perceive yourself internally, which radiates outwardly.

Huggs
Catherine

I think sometimes that there is a sense that being trans is somehow more validating than being CD. I find it infuriating. Nobody is "just a cross dresser." It is an entirely valid, respectable and acceptable lifestyle. I know people that span all across the spectrum of gender identities. None are more important than another. Instead of listing why you are trans vs CD, list what makes you happy about your gender identity and where you would like to go with it. It's a different answer for everyone. It's not one or the other type of thing. Get to know some of the posters here and you will see people from all ages and gender ranges.

As Tiffany mentioned, cross-dressing is a form of gender expression, and cross-dressers are part of the transgender spectrum.

My own belief is that the severity of the gender dysphoria is proportional to the degree of change a transgendered person desires.  To that end, gender expression is one way they cope.  Some cope with HRT.  Some require surgeries.

29 is not "old" by any stretch of the imagination.  I believe that the average age of MtF transition is about 40.

I think too many people in our culture are way too hung up on labels when it comes to gender identity-- and this includes a lot of therapists. The truth is that we don't all easily fit into neat categories like "man","woman", "transsexual" or even "crossdresser". A lot of us (including myself) must look inside ourselves and create our own way to experience who we are with regard to gender.

This forum is largely a gathering place for transsexual people, but I tend to believe there are far more people in the world who would fit into one of these less specific gender categories than would fit neatly into the category of TS or whatever. There are a few names appointed to us, but I since there is such a range, they don't fit everyone. Bigender, dual gender, autogynosexual, pangender are a few. I really think it can do more harm than good to try and define yourself that way, though. Just close your eyes and imaging a world without gender labels. How would you be? Creating your own gender ID lifestyle isn't easy, but for many (maybe most) of us it's the best route to a fulfilling life.

~ Lyric ~

Quote from: TiffanyT on January 24, 2014, 12:06:32 AM
Instead of listing why you are trans vs CD, list what makes you happy about your gender identity and where you would like to go with it. It's a different answer for everyone. It's not one or the other type of thing. Get to know some of the posters here and you will see people from all ages and gender ranges.

I have no desire to be a man, all my desire is to have a female body. I never thought, "Hmm I look good as a guy, I'm happy having these muscles and masculine features". What makes me happy is seeing my body turning more feminine through exercise (I only go to the gym for having a feminine body, not at all for having a beautiful masculine body).

I'm happiest when I'm dressed up as a girl. I'm happy too when I go out with my friends at the bar but its not as happy as me dressing up. Unless I'm cross-dressing, every action or hobby I do, I have this thought in my mind "I wish I could do this while being a woman".

If someone tells me today with 100% certainty, "You are just a man that loves cross dressing a lot, you should never transition". I would feel sad, knowing that I will be stuck with this body and would never be able to fulfill that desire to have a female body.

Uh baby, it sounds to me you are transgender. I am about 94% convinced of that. You worry about passing at 29, well, I am now 48 and pass just fine because of confidence and being who I really am. Seems to me you know what to do and are just looking for verification. You say you are happiest when dressed and want a woman's body, so, be happy and become the real you who it sounds like is dying to get out anyway. With all of this and the statement of affecting your daily task's you should probably return to therapy and start the process. This is only how I see it though. :)

I never felt "trapped" in my body (that feels silly as a way to describe my personal experience - it's MY body, and I don't want someone else's!) or hated my masculine features (...at first, after 2-3 years on HRT I started to, but that's me and who knows how anyone else may react). That made me wonder if I was making it up and was "just" a cross-dresser, too. I transitioned socially and eventually had GRS, so I have to concede now that I'm trans. ;)

Basically, you know you want to try to have a more feminine body. It's perfectly, 100% OK to transition physically because you think you would be *happier,* and not just b/c you're utterly miserable now; even though it's common to say that all trans people hate their bodies and want to commit suicide if they can't transition, that's only one possible story/journey out there. (It's also perfectly fine if you decide not to try to transition! But basically, don't limit yourself because you think someone else's story gets to define you. Do what YOU want first and foremost.) Oh, and I only decided to transition at 32, too. I got great results, and am thrilled with the outcome to this day.

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 23, 2014, 06:36:22 PM
Reasons why I'm probably just a crossdresser:
- I never felt like a woman trapped in a body, I would just prefer the woman body over the male body

Nothing to do with it. I've never felt like a woman, and I'm definitely MtF.

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 23, 2014, 06:36:22 PM
- These trans feelings only started to happen when I went outside as a girl and it might have been a fetish run loose

Most of us found our feeling intensified as we allowed ourselves to live as our true gender.

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 23, 2014, 06:36:22 PM
- I don't hate my penis
- I don't really hate my body, the idea of becoming a woman excited me, but having a male body is not depressing to me

Me either. Not a requirement for being transgender. Many transgender people are ok with our bodies (except for the fact that they're not the sex we want them to be, if that makes sense).

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 23, 2014, 06:36:22 PM
- When I'm actively busy with a task, the gender dysphoria is not on my mind. Seems to only be an internal struggle when I'm doing nothing

Lots of people get so absorbed that the rest of the world falls away. Has nothing to do with being transgender or not.

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 23, 2014, 06:36:22 PM
- I never wished to become a girl before 25 years old

For me it was 15 or so. For others it's not until middle age. There is no age limit.

Serenity, I wonder if you have an image of transgender people fueled by the sort of misinformation one finds in the media, which would have us all sure we were in the wrong bodies from age 3 and wanting to cut our genitals off in desperation. There's a lot of variation in reality.

The biggest issue for me is. I feel like I can probably spend my entire life in this male body. There is not much hate. Its just that strong desire to wanting to have a female body. I do believe that people should do whatever their heart desires. In a vaccuum, I would start HRT and transform my body into a female body in a heartbeat. Its all the stuff around it. Family, relations, work, society, costs. Is the desire to have a female body, the desire to be seen as a woman, the desire to make love as a woman all worth it?

I feel like I'm gatekeeping myself. Do I want to transition and become the woman I desire to be? Yes. Do I want to go through all these troubles medical wise and probably loose my current partner? No.

Currently I possibly can still pass as a woman if I pick the right clothing, lather myself up with make-up, shave 3 times a day. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No. What I desire is to be able to wake up in the morning, not having to worry about superficial things and just see a woman stare back in the mirror. Not some guy that has to do 10001 things to remotely look somewhat female.

Every year that passes I get more depressed about it, I wish I've known these feelings when I was 22, back then I had a support structure, no girlfriend, still young. I've already accepted that I would never in my life experience the 20s as a woman. That depresses me but I get over it. I never will be able to look cute, young and perky.

The main thing that is gatekeeping me really is my age.

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 24, 2014, 06:09:34 PM
The main thing that is gatekeeping me really is my age.

How is that gatekeeping you? I started transition at age 47 and I am having the time of my life and never felt better. I feel a good 20 years younger and am in better shape both physically and mentally. :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 24, 2014, 06:14:38 PM
How is that gatekeeping you? I started transition at age 47 and I am having the time of my life and never felt better. I feel a good 20 years younger and am in better shape both physically and mentally. :)

Because I want to be a young woman in her prime of her life in her 20s. :(

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 24, 2014, 06:33:21 PM
Because I want to be a young woman in her prime of her life in her 20s. :(

I really think you should take these concerns to a therapist with gender issue experience. It may help quite a bit in finding what direction you want to take. It never hurts. :)

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Quote from: SerenityTG on January 24, 2014, 06:09:34 PM
Currently I possibly can still pass as a woman if I pick the right clothing, lather myself up with make-up, shave 3 times a day. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No. What I desire is to be able to wake up in the morning, not having to worry about superficial things and just see a woman stare back in the mirror. Not some guy that has to do 10001 things to remotely look somewhat female.

Oh God, you sound like me a couple years ago. I agonized over all this. Turned out not to be a big deal. I'm 7 months into full time living. I'm beautiful and often attract men. I've gotten used to the routine. I've gotten rid of some stuff, and gotten used to the rest. I value convenience more than anyone I know, but it's just not a big deal. I do hate the shaving (though I hated it when I was a guy). When electrolysis is done, I won't have to do that or the foundation either.

And the age thing - I thought it would be a big deal for me. But I love myself as a woman of my age. How old am I?

52.

Your would know your transgendered if your depression becomes worse over time. Well that was for me. I think that you should decide to transition or not. It is no rush. Your may feel comletely yourself. You dont have to be transexual and complete hate over your body to be one. Many transgendered dont mind their bodies, just can not be a man. You sound a little bit like me. I dont think with your desciption you meet the classical defitiniton of a crossdresser or a transsexual.

Quote from: SerenityTG on January 24, 2014, 06:09:34 PM
The biggest issue for me is. I feel like I can probably spend my entire life in this male body. There is not much hate. Its just that strong desire to wanting to have a female body. I do believe that people should do whatever their heart desires. In a vaccuum, I would start HRT and transform my body into a female body in a heartbeat. Its all the stuff around it. Family, relations, work, society, costs. Is the desire to have a female body, the desire to be seen as a woman, the desire to make love as a woman all worth it?

I feel like I'm gatekeeping myself. Do I want to transition and become the woman I desire to be? Yes. Do I want to go through all these troubles medical wise and probably loose my current partner? No.

Currently I possibly can still pass as a woman if I pick the right clothing, lather myself up with make-up, shave 3 times a day. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No. What I desire is to be able to wake up in the morning, not having to worry about superficial things and just see a woman stare back in the mirror. Not some guy that has to do 10001 things to remotely look somewhat female.

Every year that passes I get more depressed about it, I wish I've known these feelings when I was 22, back then I had a support structure, no girlfriend, still young. I've already accepted that I would never in my life experience the 20s as a woman. That depresses me but I get over it. I never will be able to look cute, young and perky.

The main thing that is gatekeeping me really is my age.

I understand your frustration.  My therapist asked me question which elicited similar answer.  You have a girl inside, who wants to grow.  You don't have to totally kill off the guy outside to achieve that.

If it were me in your shoes, I would start with facial hair removal, then low dose HRT.

I remember this joke. What is the difference of crossdresser and transexual ?  3 years.
Lol it comes true for me.

I have agonized pretty much the same as you. Even went as far in my early 20's and experimented twice with transitioning. Both times opting to try to be a normal guy. Normal in my case meaning a CD+. I didn't hate the dangly bits. In fact we've had some great times together. Just hated having a male body in general...especially mine. Guys never did much for me. I was attracted to women. Cross Dressing had become an escape from maleness. Something I needed to do once a month. More often with other life stresses affecting me. Plus add in at 6ft tall, big boned, balding fast, frog hands and super extra large feet I knew I could never pass, which was very much confirmed during my experiments. I spent a good part of my life till then being a target because of my physical differences. I had no desire to spend a lifetime as one.

A good 5 years ago at the tender young age of 53 the excrement hit the air handler, once again. Plenty of stress thus plenty of desire/need to escape by dressing. But I couldn't if I wanted to since part of my reaction was to start stuffing my face and I starting to get into the 200lb area. An area I swore never to visit again nearly 40 years earlier.

Since my epiphany I worked hard on myself. Found a TG support group and got totally blown away by it. I learned to slowly accept myself for who I am, still not sure of the what. Started loosing the TG shame. Eventually so to the guilt. I even achieved my life long dream of being seen as an accepted as a woman.

I have zero doubt that I am transsexual.

I have plenty of doubts still as to my need to transition

I have very little doubt that my life, my soul, is far happier and far better off than it ever has been. Even childhood. Though some nights I still wish/pray I can  wake up as a woman with the caveat that to the rest of the world that is all I have ever been to them too.

My question for you is the same as the one I constantly ponder; Will you be happier? Compare the potential and real costs against what can maybe gained. Do you need to fully transition? Afterall being transgender means there is an entire spectrum of behaviors and coping mechanisms out there. Not the simple if you have an outie you're a guy, an innie a girl B&W world many like to live in. Life is never that simple.

Nor does life have guarantees. (Death and taxes aside)

Your description of yourself strikes me as decidedly more transsexual.  But that is something you have to decide for yourself.  I am clearly projecting my personal experience.

What stands out in your comments is who you do and don't identify with.  I think that this is important.

I also think that this is a very confusing topic when you are pre-HRT.  It is a trite expression that men have two brains.  In my case, they were in constant conflict.  The brain between my ears was in a constant state of agitation and disgust with some of the "feelings" and "thoughts" expressed by the brain between my loins.  My only recourse was similar to yours: to imagine myself as the woman in any sexual encounter.

I am not suggesting that you go on HRT.  But, in my case, it was the first time in my life that I felt like one integrated person.  For me, accepting that I am a transsexual had less to do with outward expression and more to do with eliminating inner turmoil.  I really don't care who or what I am - as long as I am one person.  My decision came down to making the gender between by legs conform to the gender between my ears.

Good luck!

Every time I act and move more feminine I get reminded that I have a male body. Its a struggle to get over that feeling. When I walk outside I walk a more feminine walk with my hips and it feels lovely, but the desire is there to do that with a female body. Not a guy body acting feminine. I want to be a woman acting feminine.

I don't really have a big desire to have a vagina (though I think I might enjoy it more than a penis). My main desire is to have a smooth soft body, a female body with no ugly manly body hair. No typical male body fat. I want to be able to go about my day in a cute top without people looking weird. I want to experience the world as a woman.

The key is for me personally, I don't mind being a guy having a penis, I'm happy with my life. I just would be more happy with a female body and a vagina. I fantasize during sex that I always am a woman. I never had this male desire to sex.

I want to be able to go to the gym in female work outfits, cute top and yoga pants without people staring and saying "Look at that guy wearing woman's clothing". I want to go to the gym being a woman wearing yoga pants and a cute top and people not batting an eye, because after all, I am just a woman going to the gym.

Its common that dysphoria gets bad the older you get, its already bad for me right now. I'm scared of what it would be in my late 30s. I'm scared that the dysphoria would take over completely and being stuck as a guy and possibly do more damage in my life by transitioning in my late 30s (kids, wife, work, etc).

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Quote from: FilaFord on January 25, 2014, 12:35:18 PM
You should go see a gender therapist, and emphasize on this statement right here.  My wife and I talked about it for hours and that's why I'm going to be transitioning now.  No sense in doing more damage.  I'm happy as a man but I hate having to maintain a manly appearance, so I feel I'd be happier living as a woman.  There is no prerequisite of being unhappy in order to transition. 

The only reason I wouldn't want to transition is if I thought that it would make me lose happiness.  Even at the thought of losing some friends and possibly family, transition still outweighs it all by a lot.  I don't even see myself as a woman right now because I have put on the manly role for so long.  I'm a woman when I think about the future, in my dreams, and in my mind sometimes.   But until I get on HRT, master the art of make-up, learn a little more style, grow some hair, do-all-the-things-most-girls-do-when-they-are-teenagers, etc... then yeah, I will be some sort of androgynous gender nomad.  When my appearance and presentation are more in tune with my vision, then I am going to be one happy camper.  Patience is a virtue.

You are completely right. I need to go back to therapy again. From posting this thread I figured that i'm 90% sure that I'm transgender and not a cross dresser. Now I just need to figure out how to deal with it. Low dose of HRT sounds great but I know that if I mention and talk to this to my current partner she will break up with me "for my happiness". Because she wants a man, not a woman.

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SerenityTG,

You sound just like me when I went through my struggles. I found it is ok to be a CD, there is a gender scale and it is OK to be between male and female. There is no right or wrong answer here.

Alice

I can only really provide observation from my own experiences....

I am definitely on the transsexual side of the scale, for me CD helps to fill a gap but it is not enough. Since I have a slim built and long hair  I am not unhappy with my body, but I am unhappy with my facial and body hair, and I ache to have a more curvy body type and softer skin, which I hope to have with HRT.  Any struggles that I have, come from external pressures not internal turmoil. Cd does not provide me with the serenity, peace, and happiness that I strive.

I know that the answer might be a bit simplistic, but I think the question is a simple one, if you can say you are happy and contented as a CD, then that is what you are, but if it is not enough and there is something more you need to be happy, then you are probably closer to the transgender side. If you are struggling with the answer, then you might be struggling with coming to terms with being transgender.

Best of wishes hun
xxx hugs !

Quote from: bingunginter on January 25, 2014, 06:32:35 AM
I remember this joke. What is the difference of crossdresser and transexual ?  3 years.
Lol it comes true for me.

I heard it as two years... lol same :)

Serenity, you are doing an amazing thing just looking into and seriously thinking about yourself in this regard. As many other people have posted you sound like you are Trans* somewhere on the spectrum but don't let anyone tell you where you fit, that is something you need to find out yourself. Seeing a councilor, psychologist or psychiatrist may help but tbh one of the most useful resources I found was speaking with other people in the trans* community, Susan's included. You realise just how similar two peoples (or more, many, many more!) stories can be. I've also met a number of people who "would just love" to transition but don't, convince themselves they can't and a number who are CD and feel that it is "enough" for them. Who am I to judge, everyone is different.

All the reasons you stated earlier are very typical and normal. In my experience I knew that this side of me was never going to go away and that I would not be able to hide it or forget about it long term, even short term. Yes, it was a scary considering and reconsidering all my options but I knew I only had one.

So here I am! On the age thing, I'm 28, started HRT at 27 and as many of the girls have been saying, that makes us fairly young in the grand scheme of things :) (Although I would be lying if I said I don't have times where I envy people that transition as kids, but that would have been an entirely different thing and I wouldnt be the person I am today).

GL with your journey! :)

As others said, it is not important what category or noun you are defined by. Also, passing is not so much critical, at least for me.

Sexuality is important for all of creatures including us, Homo sapiens sapiens and transgender people. Freud wrote that sexual desire is the ultimate force of maintaining human life. Sex, eroticism, art, culture, and science are all interconnected.

My colleagues, friends and students all know that I am a dad. Still, some of them praise my feminine beauty and courage to express my own feelings. In my life, strangers in the street are not so much important to me. My families and friends are far more important, and whether I pass or not is meaningless to them. I sometimes wear 5.5 inch heels when having dinner with my colleagues. And my female colleagues at their 30s mostly envy my body figure, and sometimes treat me like their female friends.

While drinking together late at night with my old friends last week:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.staticflickr.com%2F3710%2F12221071124_1c39418c5f_o.jpg&hash=ec3c10f36040cf22247ef004a1d2d9fbd047b439)

barbie~~

Thanks all for the replies, it helps me a lot.

I figured the reason why I'm struggling now is that I have no place now to express myself. My girlfriend knows and understands that i'm bigender. She does however not like the cross dressing but she handles it. She accepts who I am in that context.

But during the day when I feel feminine, like a woman. And I mention something that makes me sound like a woman she visually gets upset in her face. If I call a girly dress cute, she looks strange at me. She always calls me masculine pronouns which hurts me every time. When I talk to her about these things, she always goes into defense mode and results in saying "You should find someone who is bi and would love for you to dress up as a girl". I don't have this safe relationship where I can freely talk about these feelings because the moment I open up a bit more, she goes into defense mode and starts freaking out and saying that "I should become a girl full time, its clear you are happier as her." or "You are way more sexually excited when we have sex when you are a girl".

This happened every time we talked about it so I have this feeling built up that I cant talk to her about it. She says she is ok with me dressing up, but I see it in her eyes that she hates it. That she wishes I was just a normal masculine guy.

And some days its perfect, she is loving and she calls me cute sweet words. The dysphoria is there every day. Some days very mild, some days very hard.

I have my triggers like, seeing a beautiful woman passing by, I cant help but think "I wish I was her". Someone calling me sir, I cant help but think "Bleh, I don't want to be called sir, I would love madam more".

It is very natural that your girl friend worries about you and herself, isn't it?

You need to reassure her that your career, love and relationship will not be affected by your dressing and other feminine things. It will take long time for her to understand you.

Probably you may go shopping together and she may advise you in choosing various fashion and beauty items.

My wife also initially worried that I may become a woman, or that I may become a gay, but that was not the case. I have maintained my role as dad in my family, and she no longer worries about me and my kids. It was not just wife who worried me. All people surrounding me did the same.

barbie~~