Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My parents were originally pretty accepting. They made a small amount of effort to try and call me Rían, but I assumed that they were using my birthname because they had forgotten occasionally or because it was just habit. A little while ago, I went to the school counselor to have my pronouns changed within the school. Basically that means that the teachers would be told to use he/him, and on my class comments he/him would be used. After I spoke to her, I told my dad. He was furious. He said that he would email the counselor and have her force the teachers to keep calling me she/her, and if they didn't then he would sue the school for "encouraging me and my nonsense". He said that I'm "just jerking everyone around with this crap" and to cut it out.
Ever since then, he and my mom have been really cold regarding gender. They've never referred to me using Rían, and whenever I try to talk to them about it they get really hostile. They start yelling at me, telling me that I'm being a jerk and an a-hole, and that I need to "start acting civil".
It seems that they have a few arguments that they always bring up

• You're young, you don't know anything
• It's just a phase
• This whole "passing" thing is just a game to you. You think that if you can pass as a boy it'll be the next great achievement.
• When I was your age I didn't like my boobs either
• Everyone feels that way when they're younger
• You'll grow out of it
• I'm 60, I know more than you
• If you're lesbian then your dating pool becomes a lot smaller, but if you go around saying you're transgender then your dating pool becomes tiny
• You're young what the hell do you know

I also tried to ask my dad if we could find a therapist who specialized in gender stuff. He said no because he likes the therapist we're seeing now and he think's she's good. This is the same therapist who tried to convince me that I couldn't know if I was attracted to men or women because I hadn't had sex with a man or woman yet.
I honestly don't know how to open up a conversation with my parents about it. I really want to get top surgery this summer, but honestly I don't know how that would ever happen if they can't even say my name.

Rian, is the therapist you are now seeing licensed and accredited?  When have had members here who were encouraged or forced to see church counselors, which might be fine if you had soul dysphoria, but you need a gender specialist.

EDIT:  Let me explain the question.  Your profile says that you are in New Jersey.  In a way, you are a lucky person.  New Jersey has a state law, upheld in court, that prohibits therapists from practicing "Conversion" or "Reparative" therapy with minors in the state.

09 Nov 2013

TRENTON, NJ, - On Friday, Judge Freda Wolfson of the U.S. District Court for the District of New Jersey upheld a 2013 New Jersey law prohibiting licensed therapists from attempting to change the sexual orientation or gender identity or expression of a patient under 18 years old. The ruling dismissed a legal challenge to the law filed on behalf of therapists who wish to engage in these dangerous and long-discredited practices. The judge also granted a request by Garden State Equality to intervene in the case in defense of the law....

In August, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit issued a decision upholding a similar law in California protecting youth from these harmful practices by licensed therapists. Wolfson's decision applied similar reasoning in ruling that the New Jersey statute does not violate therapists' constitutional rights.

On Aug. 19, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie signed the law - the nation's second - prohibiting state-licensed therapists from trying to change the sexual orientation or gender identity of a minor. Every leading medical and mental health organization in the country has warned that these practices do not work and put young people at risk of serious harm, including depression, substance abuse and suicide.

http://www.pridesource.com/article.html?article=63140

If you believe the therapist is trying to "cure" you of your transsexuality, the therapist is in violation of the law.  If your parents are trying to coerce the school or the therapist, is wrong as well.

It is an established fact that one need not be sexually active to have a sexual orientation.  Indeed, how to people choose partners with which to lose their virginity, if not for some innate orientation.

Challenge your therapist.  Ask for a referral to a specialist.  If you don't get one, come back here and I will get you additional resources.

BTW, I am the parent of four kids.  If one of mine asked to see a gender specialist, I would not hesitate.  But then again, I am not in denial.

Rían,

Jamie is correct on NJ law. If you need the name of a good NJ Therapist, PM as I know where you can find a very well qualified therapist that deals with Transgender and LGBT issues that I highly recommend.

-Sydney

Sadly, if you are a minor, you are limited as to what you can do before turning 18. You may have to do the little you can such as clothing and  the way you walk and talk as well as be prepared for when you do turn 18. Knowing what you want is one thing, learning how to do it is another. Learn all you can, line up who you plan to see and earn what money you can to pay for things you need, including a place to live. It could happen that your parents will so no as long as you live with them and by attempting transition, you could lose your home. Prepare yourself for the worst, then whatever happens doesn't feel as devastating.

I feel your frustration Rain and I wish I could help! I was there (a long time ago) and I know what it's like.

I don't know what NJ is like but if there is a PFLAG group in your area, you might try contacting them. They would have a better idea of what resources are available.

(This "it is just a phase" crap bugs the hell out of me! I would LOVE to see some statistics on what percentage of children "go through a phase" of wanting to be the opposite sex and DON'T go on to pursue it!)

Unfortunately it is up to you to educate your parents about transgender. They need to know that it doesn't go away on its own and that it can be very serious - depression and suicide are common among people who ignore it.

Can you show them some information? There's a lot of stuff online that you can print or download. Seeing it come from someone else might help. Is there a counselor at your school who can help intercede? Friends of your parents you can trust?

Quote from: Jamie de la Rosa on January 26, 2014, 10:13:52 PM
Rian, is the therapist you are now seeing licensed and accredited?  When have had members here who were encouraged or forced to see church counselors, which might be fine if you had soul dysphoria, but you need a gender specialist.

EDIT:  Let me explain the question.  Your profile says that you are in New Jersey.  In a way, you are a lucky person.  New Jersey has a state law, upheld in court, that prohibits therapists from practicing "Conversion" or "Reparative" therapy with minors in the state.

09 Nov 2013

TRENTON, NJ, - On Friday, Judge Freda Wolfson of the U.S. District Court for the District of New Jersey upheld a 2013 New Jersey law prohibiting licensed therapists from attempting to change the sexual orientation or gender identity or expression of a patient under 18 years old. The ruling dismissed a legal challenge to the law filed on behalf of therapists who wish to engage in these dangerous and long-discredited practices. The judge also granted a request by Garden State Equality to intervene in the case in defense of the law....

In August, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit issued a decision upholding a similar law in California protecting youth from these harmful practices by licensed therapists. Wolfson's decision applied similar reasoning in ruling that the New Jersey statute does not violate therapists' constitutional rights.

On Aug. 19, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie signed the law - the nation's second - prohibiting state-licensed therapists from trying to change the sexual orientation or gender identity of a minor. Every leading medical and mental health organization in the country has warned that these practices do not work and put young people at risk of serious harm, including depression, substance abuse and suicide.

http://www.pridesource.com/article.html?article=63140

If you believe the therapist is trying to "cure" you of your transsexuality, the therapist is in violation of the law.  If your parents are trying to coerce the school or the therapist, is wrong as well.

It is an established fact that one need not be sexually active to have a sexual orientation.  Indeed, how to people choose partners with which to lose their virginity, if not for some innate orientation.

Challenge your therapist.  Ask for a referral to a specialist.  If you don't get one, come back here and I will get you additional resources.

BTW, I am the parent of four kids.  If one of mine asked to see a gender specialist, I would not hesitate.  But then again, I am not in denial.

My entire family is atheist, so I'm not seeing a church counselor. I don't know if she's trying to "cure" me, but it does feel like she is trying to convince me that I'm just imagining this, and that I'm just a butch girl.

My parents have succeeded in getting the school to keep the teachers from changing pronouns, but the school counselor told me that they're not going to prevent me from having the teachers use male pronouns, but they just don't want to aggravate my parents because in the long run they think that will hurt my cause rather than help it.

Right now, I think I'm just going to do more research on my future plan, try to find a gender specialist in our area, and get my friends to use male pronouns.