Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I value generosity and caring in people. I admire people who give of themselves, and are supportive and considerate of other people's feelings.

I try to be this way myself, but I fall short, far more often than I'd like. In too many situations I think of myself first, or react without any thought of other people's feelings.

Do you struggle with this too?

Yes, but only in private, when I'm alone, with only my pillow for company.

I have a very dark side which no one else ever sees. I've learned how to keep it in check and be the person I want to be with others.

I used to, especially before transition. But I didn't fully realize it. I ended up having the problem of going too much in the opposite direction a few times, trying to make up for it. I think part of my extreme response (in trying to make up for it) was female role expectations. People expect certain things from women and when they don't live it up to it, it's more glaring than from men. I'm trying to balance it out now, which seems the most difficult.

Just remember you can't please everyone. It's good to think about how your behavior may affect others, but don't let it stop you if something needs to be done. As long as you're open, honest, and tactful, that's all anyone can expect.

Dark? That was my old self. I let that one go and literally buried it some time ago.

Selfish? At times we have to be selfish. In fact there's a Biblical reference ordering us to be selfish. I find it's a way to recharge my own batteries.

Unsupportive? That my procrastination side. It's well and truly under check. I just need to find an object that represents or is an outcome of that nasty thing, and it'll get buried too.

Huggs
Catherine

No not at all...

The way I see it im too kind...thats why I get sad easily...

I picked the last option, but it generally depends on how close I am to a person.  When I am really close to a person, I usually put their needs above mines and try to make sacrifices for them.  However, when I see that if that person does me wrong and only took advantage me of my kindess....and when I really see their true colors, it makes me want to bring out the dark side of me, which is being even more bitter to others and untrusting.  I've been burned by people like this several times so usually now I see everyone as "guilty until proven innocent" and once they have been proven innocent, I put them on trial again several more times.

I don't go out of my way to be a d-bag, though.

You bet.

I seem to have emotional cycles where I can be wonderful and helpful and little miss sunshine to all those around me for weeks on end, I love life and feel great.  This is most of the time, and as long as I feel confident and loved I can be content.  But it really seems to depend on the external... I depend on the reactions and emotions of those closest to me to stay afloat... too much I fear.

There are times when I can be quite a B, (and that is the best adjective I can use do describe it!).  There are times when I want to cry and stop everything, or when I storm off secretly wishing my SO will follow and just hold me and tell me it'll all be all right.  Have sad days where I avoid mirrors and get quite snippy.

I'm not bipolar, but I do seem to have an emotional cycle if that makes sense.  I have a post-it on my mirror that reads: "It's not all about you."  There are days I think I should have it tattooed on my right hand.

But I try to not be a mega-b... that should count for something, right?

I wish I did. Lol. I actually fall on the other end - people often take advantage of me.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 27, 2014, 10:25:11 AM
I value generosity and caring in people. I admire people who give of themselves, and are supportive and considerate of other people's feelings.

I try to be this way myself, but I fall short, far more often than I'd like. In too many situations I think of myself first, or react without any thought of other people's feelings.

Do you struggle with this too?

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are you. I've heard the phrase that transitioning is a selfish activity, which it is, but it's only a temporary state. This is an evolution not a revolution. Every day, we all change our points of view on things and that's just normal and I believe it's a good thing because it means people are thinking.


You have to give yourself enough time to grow into your new place in the world. Unfortunately that takes years if not decades. Learning and accepting a life as a nurturing compassionate woman, who likes to listen and talk, or can read people's emotions will not happen overnight. For me it was a slow evolution that took years. If you asked me to try and imagine a place like that while in the middle of my own transition I would have said no because I couldn't see it either. But this does have an end. There will be a day when you wake up and realize I'm done with this, I've moved on. If you ask me that's when the real journey begins not the hormones and surgeries, which are just a means to an end. When you are done worrying about yourself, then you can worry about others. That's just human nature.

I think I am too nice sometimes, and I let people take advantage of me, especially those I have romantic feelings for. I think only of them and I only wanna make them happy, at any costs. I hate asking for favors in return also. I always open doors for strangers, stuff like that, as well. If someone I know asks for a favor, I'll generally help them out, even if I really don't want to or if it is a big inconvenience to me. I always go by this saying, stupid as it is, "Treat others as you'd wish to be treated." Heard that saying in like grade school and I've always tried to live by it since.

-Kelly

I never am able to refuse the people I care about, if I do it's always indirectly and it rarely happens.

No, I'm the opposite. I whole heartedly embrace being dark and struggle with caring about people.

Not al all! I am an Angel with no dark side....  :angel:

Quote from: peky on January 29, 2014, 09:20:18 PM
Not al all! I am an Angel with no dark side....  :angel:

I say this about myself as well! People say I'm the Devil tho in response.. >:-)

I was an angel, then I fell.  muh-ha-ha-ha.

I'm very selfish, particularly when it comes to relationships.  A lot of people would probably say I'm very generous, but in interpersonal relationships I feel like I'm not capable of compromise.  I know what I want and often I want it now.

I wish I was the kind of person who could sacrifice my personal happiness for the sake of another person just because I cared for them, but often it's because I think it'll be a better outcome for me.

Saying this was somewhat relieving.  Thank you for asking.

I am pretty selfish. If I have a friend I will be quite considerate and caring because the long term maintmence of these relationships is in my long term best interest. If I don't help my friend move that friend might not be willing to help me move

For those that don't really have any bearing on my life, I can be quite inconsiderate if I feel it is in my best interest to do so. My first reaction isn't usually to be rude or bully someone, but if I am at a store for example and I am returning something defective, if my first polite attempt fails to accomplish my goals I will be as rude as I need to be to force them to do what I want.

I don't however lack empathy, I understand full well it sucks to be treated bad, but for me most of the times the end justifies the means, and ultimately I am the most important person in my life. I am pretty much at peace with this way I am.

I don't anymore. Prior to understanding my gender identity & accepting it, I was mean, arrogant, and cynical. I was an complete a-hole to everyone.

After embracing who i am, I became loving and compassionate (really a completely different person). Since I've been on HRT, I've noticed I'm more sensitive to situations now too.

I have nothing but love now. :)

I don't struggle with it. I have a dark and selfish side, definitely. My "dark triad" test results are right up there with the genuine nutters apparently.

However.

Since my early 20s I've chosen to try and be a good person. I never used to be; I could be downright evil at times and I always got away with whatever I was doing, but in my heart I wanted to be good and was willing to try and that's what really matters I guess.

They say that sociopaths are made and psychopaths are born. I think as a youngster I fell somewhere between the two because I was very disconnected from emotions and morals and I don't think that was made, but then things happened to me as well that just made me worse (and I was surrounded by mostly selfish people). How I got out of that into a semblance of normality alone, I don't really know. But it did take years and years to climb out of the pit.

What I do know is that there are times when the dark, selfish and unsupportive side of yourself can help you survive. It's useful to have, provided you know how to control it and don't bring it out unless you absolutely have to.

I'm still undeniably selfish, I don't think that's going away any time soon, but I try to temper it with the idea that it's all right to be selfish in life provided you don't directly harm others with it. Which is why I keep most people at a distance. I can be selfish all I want then, without affecting anyone else all that much. In my relationships there's always been a ground rule: I don't tell them what to do with their lives and they definitely don't get to tell me what to do with mine. That's always worked out pretty well. I guess there's no other way it could have. Looking back I'm quite surprised how I've been able to be nice to people, and even have such involved relationships based on trust. It goes to show you can fix anything if you have a will to do it.

But under extreme stress you can be sure a constructed nature will be put under strain. For a couple of years before transition and under hormone stress I know I was beginning to revert back to my old ways. Thank god I managed to get it sorted and T calmed me down. I don't particularly want to revisit the dark corners of my mind.

Yes, I do struggle with a dark, selfish, unsupportive version of myself, but in ways that I've always found to be very complicated and difficult to understand. I've been trying to for most of my life. And then as soon as I think I get something, it changes again. Although at this point in my life I consider myself to be more dark than light. But of course I have light aspects too.

I guess I should look back 20 years for that mess to make any sense, to where it started, back to when I was 9 years old and got sexually assaulted by another couple of kids. They were my bullies like many other kids at that school. Then I went and did the same kind of thing to yet another kid, and it shattered me. Those two experiences, and the silence and humiliation that suffocated me in between them. I wasn't myself entirely, but acted out an immense darkness within me that I couldn't quite carry. Talk about bottled up emotions. My mind split from that and I developed an alter that turned out to be abusive.

I called that alter Anna and always saw her as a separate person but then later on started to figure out that she was somehow a split off aspect of my personality that took a life form of its own, somewhere in my teens. We had our wars and we had our truces, but we were never friends.

Darkness has shaped my life, and undeniably also the person I have become as a result. I keep going through drastic changes in how/who I perceive myself to be after any traumatic events I go through, whether I'm on the receiving or giving end of it. But it never again got as bad as how it began. But still, raped on valentines day, two abusive romantic relationships (years apart), and a lot of mental illness and self harm, and trying to deal with that alter while also dealing with dysphoria and trying to transition.

Me transitioning to alleviate my dysphoria, gave my dark and selfish alter dysphoria. That led her to sexually assault me too, when I was 22. She's really been a menace. I never told my gender therapists about Anna or our unhealthy dynamic, cause I couldn't risk possibly not being allowed to transition medically. I knew what I needed, they didn't. However, a little over a year ago from now, I went through yet another one of those drastic changes in how I perceive who I am, but this time a very important one. I adopted a lot of what was only Anna's traits, while she adopted a lot of what was only my traits. So, we almost merged back into one again. Not entirely, but enough to understand each others' darkness and light, and become friends.

It gave me a lot of hope for the future, and I know now that she accepts my transition and we never fight. However, that partial shift also means I became a lot darker and it seems to be a shift meant to stay. I know I am Anna just as much, but I have no direct control over that aspect of myself. I'm only her indirectly. I don't want to rant on forever but I have become a lot less considerate of others, more rude, selfish, less caring. I'm sure I have a lot of traits of both sociopathy and narcissism, which don't go well with my asperger.

However I do still recognise that at my core I'm still very much me, and also how I see my gender has never changed in any of these "sense of self switches" I've had and I do consider my gender to be static despite all that chaos... no doubt I know I'm trans. Although last year, it was like I had an almost total software upgrade. It wasn't unexpected though, cause it had me breaking for months before it happened. Strange, but I'll handle it. Ultimately I think it was for the better, cause to finally be at peace with my alter after 2 decades of almost constant fighting, is a relief I can not put into words. Even though it had a heavy price. But I also still have a long way to go, wherever I'm going.

I've been subjected to a lot of unkindness and nonacceptance. I don't want to do that to people.

I tend to get annoyed with people quite easily. This is especially true when I am busy doing something, and I just hate being interrupted I guess. Because of this I tend to keep my bedroom door shut so people will get a clue and leave me alone.

I may sound a bit on the angry side but I am actually a really calm person, as I tend to keep my emotions to myself. So sometimes when people call my name for help I will ignore them on purpose, which I know is wrong and I do feel bad about doing it afterwards.

Yes I know I need to work on being a better person, and I am trying. If someone is upset though I will be supportive and I will try to give them advice and be helpful, so there is that.