Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey all,
I am post op (Still not a year) and relatively young. I've been on a few dates, hooked up every here and there but I have never had sex with a man. A guy has been texting me lately and he has made his intentions clear but I am a little scared to be honest because I am conflicted about when to tell him about my history (PS I dont want this to turn into a *should You disclose* sort of thread, i've hooked up with guys before and not said a thing but no I want someone to spend time with who knows my whole history and can appreciate me for everything).

I have a date with him on Friday and I think I am going to tell him then. He is a really cool guy from the times we hung out before, my age (maybe a year younger) and we share in our enjoyment of 420 culture :P

To make me feel better (ease my nerves) would any of you ladies be able to tell me how you went about telling your partners (whether they are friends with benefits, boyfriends, now husbands, etc.) I would really like to know how to gage this situation.

On the one hand, I am worried that he is going to completely reject me. This I can live with HOWEVER he is good friends with some of my friends who DONT know about my Y chromosome, so if worse comes to worse I get outed to my new group of friends (I guess I can live with this but in the past I have found that this changes the relationship I have with people, not necessarily for the worst however but I would like to avoid that). I guess if all goes well I have a new friend to, um, have fun with at the very least  >:-) (He has made his intentions quite clear)

Anyone care to chime in? Share a story? Word of advice?

Thanks in advance muah!

ok well didn't read the entire thing. I go on dates too a lot with straight guys and each date I do end up having sex with them, but before I go on a date with them I always makes sure I tell them so i don't get killed or something, but anyway they eather accept or they don't and if they don't then i just tell them to stop talking to me. all the guys i have had sex with and dated always didn't care i was transgender because they said im  hot. im not on hormones and i haven't had any surgeries done yet. So just tell them ur transgender before leading them on cause with one guy i didn't tell him i was transgender and i got my heart broke cause he wanted nothing to do wit me afterward, but that was like 2 years ago.

Well I'm not post op yet but if I was in your shoes I wouldn't tell him unless you get serious with him. But I don't think it's something you bring up until necessary and a first date or a one night stand isn't the time.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:09:24 PM
ok well didn't read the entire thing. I go on dates too a lot with straight guys and each date I do end up having sex with them, but before I go on a date with them I always makes sure I tell them so i don't get killed or something, but anyway they eather accept or they don't and if they don't then i just tell them to stop talking to me. all the guys i have had sex with and dated always didn't care i was transgender because they said im  hot. im not on hormones and i haven't had any surgeries done yet. So just tell them ur transgender before leading them on cause with one guy i didn't tell him i was transgender and i got my heart broke cause he wanted nothing to do wit me afterward, but that was like 2 years ago.

Thanks for replying, and ya I guess i'll just do like what you do. He told my friend (our mutual friend) that im hot and he wants to have sex with me and im down to be honest lol. So I guess when I see him Friday im going to ask him "what do you find attractive about me and what do you see becoming of us two?" and depending on how he answers either a)nothing happens or b) I tell him in so many words im TS and if hes down we can have a good time or if not his loss. I guess as long as im CONFIDENT I can remain in control of the situation

Quote from: Heather on February 02, 2014, 11:11:31 PM
Well I'm not post op yet but if I was in your shoes I wouldn't tell him unless you get serious with him. But I don't think it's something you bring up until necessary and a first date or a one night stand isn't the time.

If I see that absolutely nothing is going to happen im not going to bother telling him. Like my group of girls don't even know why am I just going to tell him if theres no potential?

As for a one night stand this isn't it (otherwise I would just go and YOLO lol) at the very LEAST we would be friends with benefits

Could it be im just over thinking this? Hes really good looking but I am having troubles seeing his true personality. On the one hand, hes the hot Caribean cool guy who likes to "chill" (Super bowl! :P) and listen to Cypress Hill but on the other hand I met his at a Star Wars themed party and he gets together with friends to play D&D every week lol

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:15:47 PM
Thanks for replying, and ya I guess i'll just do like what you do. He told my friend (our mutual friend) that im hot and he wants to have sex with me and im down to be honest lol. So I guess when I see him Friday im going to ask him "what do you find attractive about me and what do you see becoming of us two?" and depending on how he answers either a)nothing happens or b) I tell him in so many words im TS and if hes down we can have a good time or if not his loss. I guess as long as im CONFIDENT I can remain in control of the situation

make sure its a public place cause u don't know how some guys will react to something like that. id suggest just txting him and say exactly wat u said u going to say. much safer that way.

Edit: plus if u just txt him and tell him then u don't waste eachothers time.

Ummmm....

Sigh....

Girl, I could tell you stories...

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:20:17 PM
make sure its a public place cause u don't know how some guys will react to something like that. id suggest just txting him and say exactly wat u said u going to say. much safer that way.

I can see that being a good idea sometimes but I am worried that if I do this he rejects me completely and then goes around showing my friends (who don't know im TS btw!) the text I sent. I trust me friends would stick by me but like it or not there is going to be that awkward stage where I have to go about, for lack of better words, "justify my existence." Already once there was a pic of me tagged on FB with two friends and someone who knew those friends of mine went to Highschool with me and knew my history and felt obliged to show them what I looked like before. These people are still my friends but I feel like (especially with my friends boyfriend) that things have changed somewhat.

Quote from: Tori on February 02, 2014, 11:21:37 PM
Ummmm....

Sigh....

Girl, I could tell you stories...

Go ahead! I've all night, I don't have class until the afternoon tomorow! <3

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:23:14 PM
I can see that being a good idea sometimes but I am worried that if I do this he rejects me completely and then goes around showing my friends (who don't know im TS btw!) the text I sent. I trust me friends would stick by me but like it or not there is going to be that awkward stage where I have to go about, for lack of better words, "justify my existence." Already once there was a pic of me tagged on FB with two friends and someone who knew those friends of mine went to Highschool with me and knew my history and felt obliged to show them what I looked like before. These people are still my friends but I feel like (especially with my friends boyfriend) that things have changed somewhat.

people gotta find out sooner or later. i came out to everyone on facebook, but i told my friends first. my friends understood cause ive been friends with them each for more than 7 years, but that was 2 years ago wen i came out.

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:24:07 PM
Go ahead! I've all night, I don't have class until the afternoon tomorow! <3

Clearly, you know what time it is. Synchronize y'all's watches.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:24:58 PM
people gotta find out sooner or later. i came out to everyone on facebook, but i told my friends first. my friends understood cause ive been friends with them each for more than 7 years, but that was 2 years ago wen i came out.

I figure that WHEN I get famous ( :P ) they'll find out anyways, right?! Lol but really, I would rather they either not know ever or I be the one to tell them. I think that in the even that they were told it would NEVER be in the "right circumstance" because outing someone is something I believe is morally incorect (unless they have explicitly said that they are ok with this)

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:27:30 PM
I figure that WHEN I get famous ( :P ) they'll find out anyways, right?! Lol but really, I would rather they either not know ever or I be the one to tell them. I think that in the even that they were told it would NEVER be in the "right circumstance" because outing someone is something I believe is morally incorect (unless they have explicitly said that they are ok with this)

well all my friends were girls, but hell before i came out they let me go to the houses and they put makeup on me and dressed me in girls clothes and each time i went to there houses i put makeup on and clothes, but it was always there makeup and clothes (since it was before even starting transition). they basically knew before i told them lmao

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:31:00 PM
well all my friends were girls, but hell before i came out they let me go to the houses and they put makeup on me and dressed me in girls clothes and each time i went to there houses i put makeup on and clothes, but it was always there makeup and clothes. they basically knew before i told them lmao

lol thats sick!
I tried to be macho in highschool but in middle school I was just one of the girls so a lot of people saw through my bull->-bleeped-<- too. And when I did come out after grade 11 I did the same thing with my friends lol! I guess we were lucky in that sense. Those old friends of mine though arent my friends anymore i think their jealous tbh because when we started going to clubs id be the one getting all the attention from boys and then they would out me in an attempt to bring me down but that is a long story for another thread!

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:16:47 PM
If I see that absolutely nothing is going to happen im not going to bother telling him. Like my group of girls don't even know why am I just going to tell him if theres no potential?

As for a one night stand this isn't it (otherwise I would just go and YOLO lol) at the very LEAST we would be friends with benefits

Yeah I know it wasn't I was just saying they're is no reason to tell someone who doesn't have future potential. So I think were on the same page there. But your young I wouldn't worry about getting serious with a guy just yet go out on dates have fun and live.

Baby just be careful. I have seen girls attacked because a guy was only talking to her and got mad when she slipped and made her true self known. Men's pride can cause injury when they think they are being fooled or if his friends let him in on it later. I let everyone know who and what I am at the very first meeting. That also helps because you don't have to remember who has been told and who not told. Just saying, be careful! :)

Quote from: Heather on February 02, 2014, 11:34:46 PM
Yeah I know it wasn't I was just saying they're is no reason to tell someone who doesn't have future potential. So I think were on the same page there. But your young I wouldn't worry about getting serious with a guy just yet go out on dates have fun and live.

Thanks :) I guess i'm just nervous because I haven't been in this situation yet, as a post op.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 11:35:16 PM
Baby just be careful. I have seen girls attacked because a guy was only talking to her and got mad when she slipped and made her true self known. Men's pride can cause injury when they think they are being fooled or if his friends let him in on it later. I let everyone know who and what I am at the very first meeting. That also helps because you don't have to remember who has been told and who not told. Just saying, be careful! :)

Thanks he seems like a nice guy and hes really skinny (not like the usual gorillas I hook up with  >:-) )

Anyone care to share one of their stories? How they approached the situation?

Also, like I have said before, this is my first encounter (if something happens) as a post op. I am orgasmic and it looks good and all that but I have elevated scared and I think its called keloids? like I don't look like frankensteins wife lol don't worry it has healed well but the scars right now are definitely visible

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:33:27 PM
lol thats sick!
I tried to be macho in highschool but in middle school I was just one of the girls so a lot of people saw through my bull->-bleeped-<- too. And when I did come out after grade 11 I did the same thing with my friends lol! I guess we were lucky in that sense. Those old friends of mine though arent my friends anymore i think their jealous tbh because when we started going to clubs id be the one getting all the attention from boys and then they would out me in an attempt to bring me down but that is a long story for another thread!

ive never gone to a club before, but i get attention even in a place like walmart lol, but ive always acted female. ive never tried to hide anything. all through my school years people called me gay and stuff so i only had a little group of friends which were justice friends for 12 years shade friends for 8 years, and katelyne friends for 8 years. they are still my friends even to this day.

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:36:47 PM
Thanks :) I guess i'm just nervous because I haven't been in this situation yet, as a post op.

I understand but I suspect you'll catch on quick and those nerves will go away. ;)

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:40:39 PM
ive never gone to a club before, but i get attention even in a place like walmart lol, but ive always acted female. ive never tried to hide anything. all through my school years people called me gay and stuff so i only had a little group of friends which were justice friends for 12 years shade friends for 8 years, and katelyne friends for 8 years. they are still my friends even to this day.

Thats great to hear! I have a friend from when I was 4, we  jumped rope together during recess aha.

I know what its like when people make fun of you cause they think your "Gay." it really sucks, people wanted me to "toughen" up always and my family is very conservative I was brought up in a religious household go to church, tradition etc.

The friendships with a lot of the girls i used to hang out with didn't work out cause they kept seeing me as a gay man and not a straight woman but oh well my companionship is their loss!

i just read on the first post that u said ur post op. i didn't catch that wen i skimmed through it  haha. anyway if ur post and don't have a penis anymore then don't tell him. most likely he will be into it since u have a vagina now, but they do have some guys that still would concider u a boy no matter wat gender u identify as or wat parts u hav. so watch who u talk to.

Baby, my career put me into situations where I transported serial killers. Do not underestimate anyone at all. One individual I transported was 5'4" and 132 pounds. This person killed three people at one time, very hideously and violently. If you think someone has to be big to kill you, think again. I served as a Reserve Deputy Sheriff for 4 years. In the Academy a guy 5' 6" and 145 took down four of us and our averages were 5'11" and 200 pounds, mostly muscle. Size doesn't matter, period. I had a really nice talk and hired a guy to make my daughter a hand made jewelry chest with an angel painted on top of it. It was beautiful and he was charming, he killed 9 people and was doing life without parole.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:44:51 PM
most likely he will be into it since u have a vagina now

Thats what im thinking anyways, but I don't wanna not tell him cause I am a bit self conscious of my scars plus a lot of the people we have as mutual friends actually know me from before they either haven't told anyone or haven't made the connection yet so the last thing i want is to be called out for "not telling" etc

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 11:46:19 PM
Baby, my career put me into situations where I transported serial killers. Do not underestimate anyone at all. One individual I transported was 5'4" and 132 pounds. This person killed three people at one time, very hideously and violently. If you think someone has to be big to kill you, think again. I served as a Reserve Deputy Sheriff for 4 years. In the Academy a guy 5' 6" and 145 took down four of us and our averages were 5'11" and 200 pounds, mostly muscle. Size doesn't matter, period. I had a really nice talk and hired a guy to make my daughter a hand made jewelry chest with an angel painted on top of it. It was beautiful and he was charming, he killed 9 people and was doing life without parole.

Dam lol that is one depressing post!
I guess i'll tell him the way the a true Canadian girl would... with a hockey mask for protection and a broken hockey stick for offense! aha!

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 11:46:19 PM
Baby, my career put me into situations where I transported serial killers. Do not underestimate anyone at all. One individual I transported was 5'4" and 132 pounds. This person killed three people at one time, very hideously and violently. If you think someone has to be big to kill you, think again. I served as a Reserve Deputy Sheriff for 4 years. In the Academy a guy 5' 6" and 145 took down four of us and our averages were 5'11" and 200 pounds, mostly muscle. Size doesn't matter, period. I had a really nice talk and hired a guy to make my daughter a hand made jewelry chest with an angel painted on top of it. It was beautiful and he was charming, he killed 9 people and was doing life without parole.

totally agree. i dated a guy recently that just got out of jail for armed robbery and hes only 5'8 and 135 lbs, but he was bad from head to toe.

edit: he considered himself a gangster. wen i asked him why did he go and rob a store and beat up the cashier person he said " because im a gangster that why" he was very street, but i didn't care cause he didn't care i was transgender and he treated me really good. we had sex everytime we were around eachother i mean we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. the first time we met and went to his house we madeout for 6 hours straight and u don't want to see wat he did to my neck. lets just say it was covered in hickeys haha, but we only dated for a month cause he still had feelings for his ex.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:48:44 PM


edit: he considered himself a gangster. wen i asked him why did he go and rob a store and beat up the cashier person he said " because im a gangster that why" he was very street, but i didn't care cause he didn't care i was transgender and he treated me really good. we had sex everytime we were around eachother i mean we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. the first time we met and went to his house we madeout for 6 hours straight and u don't want to see wat he did to my neck. lets just say it was covered in hickeys haha, but we only dated for a month cause he still had feelings for his ex.

Not gona lie thats kinda hot

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:52:47 PM
Not gona lie thats kinda hot

Not if it was your Mom working the late shift in that store to support you. Would he still be hot then? Just food for thought.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 11:56:57 PM
Not if it was your Mom working the late shift in that store to support you. Would he still be hot then? Just food for thought.

For sure but the realm of my fantasies and imagination have no moral limits

Quote from: missy1992 on February 02, 2014, 11:57:55 PM
For sure but the realm of my fantasies and imagination have no moral limits

he wanted to record me and him having sex, but i said no cause i don't want it to end up on some porn site lmfao

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 02, 2014, 11:59:19 PM
he wanted to record me and him having sex, but i said no cause i don't want it to end up on some porn site lmfao

lol good call! Or else you would have been a HungAngels star  :P

Thank you so much to everyone who replied to this thread btw! I really appreciate it <3

Im going to be going to bed now since its 1 AM but i'll sign in tomorow and check this thread again.

If anyone has their 2 cents or a story to share that can relate to my situation that would be great

Thanks again goodnight for now everyone!

lmao. this is him. sucks he broke it off wit me for his ex cause he was so hot.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi823.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fzz151%2Fusergino%2F999008_476405602441797_227189098_n_zps88faba8c.jpg&hash=e7e50bc5400615670aced93ce7c80649659e4e58)

Stating I am 'gangster' is the coequal term for "I am a tool." :P


In terms of the question and your concerns you are expressing I can not say what is right or wrong, but I feel that being upfront to a point is paramount. Although perhaps go on a date see how it goes and then tell him you like him but you need to talk. Some guys are nice and will be fine, others are tools and you can do better.

i think the funniest way to tell him would be to go to a restaurant and tell him and after you tell if he is fine with it that is when you let him see you put your tazer back into your purse and smile at him, at that point he will know that your not to be messed with because your capable of taking him down lol

Quote from: kiara jamie on February 03, 2014, 12:36:36 AM
i think the funniest way to tell him would be to go to a restaurant and tell him and after you tell if he is fine with it that is when you let him see you put your tazer back into your purse and smile at him, at that point he will know that your not to be messed with because your capable of taking him down lol

Lol that sounds a little extreme :P but I like it!

Anyone else care to share how they told a suitor/partner/bf etc their "story"

I can't share anything personal (I'm pre-op and still not dating as of yet), but I did want to wish you luck. 

One of my post-op friends did meet a guy and told him, but they were good friends for a while before she disclosed it.  While they are now in a happy relationship, he isn't happy about her past at all and she does everything to avoid bringing the subject up.  It seems that the familiarity was a good way to overcome the traditional difficulties most guys have.  Hope that helps. 

 

Quote from: Yasmine on February 03, 2014, 04:47:21 PM
If I were you though I wouldn't even consider dating him and would look for someone who doesn't know your group of friends. So many men..

But that seems to be the easiest way to meet men, through mutual friends. I met this guy at a party a good friend of mine was having. Your right though, I am definitely setting myself up for outing if things don't go well and the prospect of that occuring keeps playing out in my head making me feel nervous and anxious.

I guess I'm coming from a different place. I made the decision  to transition to the opposite sex ,if totally up to you how you want that decision to play out, I just feel that I can't hide who I am, I hid for a long time as a pretend male I just let things play out naturally. I won't hide any more. Of course there's only a problem of hiding if it's not obvious.

Quote from: missy1992 on February 03, 2014, 05:02:44 PM
But that seems to be the easiest way to meet men, through mutual friends. I met this guy at a party a good friend of mine was having. Your right though, I am definitely setting myself up for outing if things don't go well and the prospect of that occuring keeps playing out in my head making me feel nervous and anxious.

<poking my head in>

I agree with Yasmine.  The risk of your new group of friends finding out just isn't worth it.  I certainly wouldn't risk it for "Mr. Right Now".  I think you should only date outside the group/outside of the people you meet via this group.  If you want to remain stealth, I don't see how you have any other option.

Quote from: Yasmine on February 03, 2014, 07:16:26 PM
Well, you could always meet up with him. You don't have to do or say anything. Maybe at some point you can test the waters a bit. For 'instant fun' I'd hook up with someone else though. Someone you can be open to right away. Someone from another city hehe.

like me..bahaha it had to be said

Quote from: Brett on February 03, 2014, 07:34:54 PM
<poking my head in>

I agree with Yasmine.  The risk of your new group of friends finding out just isn't worth it.  I certainly wouldn't risk it for "Mr. Right Now".  I think you should only date outside the group/outside of the people you meet via this group.  If you want to remain stealth, I don't see how you have any other option.

That makes sense, if staying stealth is the end all and be all of it all.

I should say that right now I am in stealth however not 100% as I think such a thing is impossible. For one, I still live in the same city I was born in. In class today, I saw a boy I knew from highschool pre transition. We made eye contact in the hall and exchanged a smile. He knows who I am, and had me on Facebook. What would prevent someone like him from telling other people in the class I take with him about my past?

It sounds like I want my cake and to eat it too, doesn't it? Should I risk it for the biscuit? What if what if oh what if...

Well... things didn't work out unfortunately

My rule of thumb is for booty calls I don't tell. That's the whole point of a booty call haha. But for those I see a relationship with I tell when the time is right. Like when they ask if I have any secrets. Then I tell them. That's normally not for a while though