Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone :D As most of us have experienced, coming out is incredibly hard and can make or break the person. So I just wanted to tell all of you my story and what I experienced when I first came out :D I also hope to hear and read how everyone also felt and what they experienced :3

To cut it short, I went back to the country town I'm from (I went to a city to study at uni and yes I'm Australian if people were curious) after I finished uni for the year. A few friends of mine and I decided to gather everyone from our friends group to catch up and have a few drinks. So yeah the night was swell and since a few others and I were heavy drinkers we ended up looking after people for most of the night haha. After making sure everyone is okay and not being sick everywhere me and my childhood friend decided to have some heart to heart conversations, also known as D&M (deep and meaningful) because we haven't really talked face to face or have one of those talks for over a year.

Well we started light by telling each other funny stories and secrets of what has happened the past year. I think after about 3 hours of talking and at about 4AM in the morning we were both already sober. Strangely enough he asked if something had been bothering me so I acted as usual and laughed while saying no. But I guess being friends for so long you can't really hide anything serious no matter how well you play it off. Anyways I kept saying nothing is wrong until he finally cracked and got furious at me.

Well the mood got heavy so I decided to tell him how I've been going to the uni psychologist for a while because I've been feeling under the weather and how just everything seemed like it just felt wrong (the psychologist and I eventually figured out that I am transsexual and he referred me to someone who specializes in that field). I also told him how I had thoughts of self harm and darker stuff and of course this almost gave him a heart attack due to shock (My group says I'm the happy go lucky person who they have never seen upset or angry before). So I decided to play some games with him and get him to guess my problem. Oh wow some of the answers that he came up with ranged from outright silly and hilarious to very very...very dark. So we just kept talking while having him trying to guess just being able to talk to the person I find closest to me like that was very soothing and fun.

Anyways he couldn't guess it so I told him I'll eventually tell him one day and I also said lets call it a night. As soon as I got up he crash tackled me to the ground and pinned me down...doesn't help that he is good at grappling... Anyways when he pinned me down and I couldn't resist he just looks at me and starts tearing up. He was constantly asking what is bothering you, what's wrong, I want to help you but how can I when you won't tell me what is wrong. At that point I didn't know what to do because the country town I'm from is not very big on homosexuality let alone being transsexual. By the time I made up my mind I realised I was an absolute wreck... crying, feeling vulnerable, emotions all over the place and just... yeah a wreck :D haha. I told him I'm not sure if I can tell him yet because I was afraid of losing him if he doesn't accept me and he kept assuring me nothing I tell him will change his opinion of me. So I nodded and said I'll tell him. He unpinned me and sat me up and said this is a very serious problem isn't it? He also said that for the entire time he has known me he has never seen me cry, let alone act like this so he was definitely worried beyond belief.

At that moment in time I was preparing for the worst and had so much fear I swear it could have physically manifested and laughed at me. Back to my experience... I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him so I kind of mumbled it and when I looked up I didn't know how to react because he just had the 'oh my god... what did I just learn' look on his face haha. As soon as I saw that I just got up and tried to leave but then he spoke and asked me a lot of questions such as how long has this been happening, are you okay now and other things like that. So we talked for a realllllllly long time after I came out and of course.. I was still an absolute mess. We discussed about me being transsexual and how I am actually a female trapped in a males body for and also throughout all that he was giving me a nice long hug and I felt really secured when he done that :D After discussing all that he told me one final thing before we went to bed and it was that regardless of who I am and how I look, I am who I am and he will support whatever decision I decide to make in life :D

About a week after we were hanging out and he said he had to be honest that it shocked him and it took about a week of sleepless nights to sink in. But he also said after it sunk in he said it was so clear from the beginning when he thought about it :D Now he is and will forever be my best friend who supports me through my transition :D :D Woo ultra happy :D

TL/DR: I came out too my childhood and best friend and he accepted me and now supports what I do :D

Yeees it's a long post but I just wanted to tell some people this and hope that it gives them courage to be who they are and possibly help them come out :D

Also look forward to seeing everyones experience :D

The very first time i came out to anyone was to my wife. About March of 2012 i came to this idea that I might be "gender fluid", after exploring my feminine side a bit more, i confirmed this suspicion and told my wife on April 21st - she wasnt happy about it at all... and she actually started growing fears that I was trans, but at the time I was almost certain that I wasnt.

Fast forward a year to a night where i was dressing up and taking pictures of myself, and it was at a certain moment that my brain clicked and realized "I hate being male because its all an elaborate ruse... i never behave male unless i feel i need to... its all an act and I honestly don't do it because I want to, i do it because its what i've gotten use to."... at this point i realized, that I'm not gender fluid at all, I totally despise being male and after some months of reflection i realized that I ALWAYS hated it... and none of it was ever real. Suddenly my life felt like it made sense for the first time, but with this realization comes a lot of fear and confusion... so i was afraid to tell people and i was also in denial and in the "shame and guilt" stage, feeling like i was ruining everyones life and what not. One night i went out on a drunken drive expecting to crash and die, until my mom called me and calmed me down and decided to talk to me outside a Target parking lot late at night. That was when i told my mom about my realization and she accepted and supported me, then shortly after that I told my friends, and certain family ~ and they all supported me... (and at this point i feel its "support", and not real support, because their support hasn't felt very "supporting", and seems more like "tolerance".) And then i told my wife, expecting all hell to break loose... .She wasn't happy, but she wasn't in shock either ~ she felt it was only a matter of time before i made the connection; There were a couple of months of hell because of the awkwardness between family members and friends, but shortly after the awkwardness subsided and now me and my wife are still together and happy :)

Surprisingly enough, the easiest person to tell was my dad, not because it was easy to come out, but it was easy to handle because once i came out, my dad was nothing BUT supportive ~ he came here to susans, and to multiple sites, watched youtube videos, did research and often times told me things that I already knew but he wanted to inform me about - it has been stressful for my dad most of all because he fears for my safety and fears that his side of the family will judge me, but he supports me all the way.

I honestly have to say that my experience was a lucky one, and 98% of the people I told all responded favorably. So far, my entire family supports and accepts me as well as my co-workers, friends, and even my wife's family. The only person who didn't accept or support me was my best friend from middle school.... 11 years of friendship down the drain simply because I realized I am a woman... its his loss because everyone else prefers to hang out with me instead of him... I wonder why that might be (sarcasm)

the first was with a long time best friend. A little different though , we were having a late night talk and he seduced me. I guess we both came out together.

I came out first to my mom , I wasnt planing to do it ,,,but while we were having dinner I started crying out of nowhere,,,so she pretty much forced it out of me :/

I felt relieved  :-X

Well, before I came out as trans I was out as a gay guy to some of my friends.  The first person I told I was trans was an old friend of mine from high school, but it was very vague.  Before that, he had known that I was "gay" and had no issue with that.  Eventually I decided to see how he would react about me being trans because I was considering transitioning at that time and wanted to know how others would feel.  I kind of laid it out in a joking way that I was crossdressing and wanted to live my life as a female.  In any case, it didn't seem to go over well as my friend got really quiet the rest of the day and that is the last time we spoke or have seen each other.  It was said as a joke to test the waters and I wasn't serious at all in my tone, but I guess it didn't go over well even in that way.  We we're going seperate ways to begin with though, so I didn't take it too hard.   It is what it is.  Most of my current friends are very accepting. 

Quote from: learningtolive on February 10, 2014, 06:38:32 PM
Well, before I came out as trans I was out as a gay guy to some of my friends.  The first person I told I was trans was an old friend of mine from high school, but it was very vague.  Before that, he had known that I was "gay" and had no issue with that.  Eventually I decided to see how he would react about me being trans because I was considering transitioning at that time and wanted to know how others would feel.  I kind of laid it out in a joking way that I was crossdressing and wanted to live my life as a female.  In any case, it didn't seem to go over well as my friend got really quiet the rest of the day and that is the last time we spoke or have seen each other.  It was said as a joke to test the waters and I wasn't serious at all in my tone, but I guess it didn't go over well even in that way.  We we're going seperate ways to begin with though, so I didn't take it too hard.   It is what it is.  Most of my current friends are very accepting.

seems kind of weird to have that kind of reaction to some one who's already acknowledged that they were gay. I don't know maybe not ,but it seems weird

First coming out to friends: most of them replied. "Finally, we seen it coming. or had a good idea you were."

First time I came out to my parents:  *Father turned around in the car, punched me in the mouth and knocked my ass out cold then later that night in my sleep cut my ponytail off*

Quote from: Teela Renee on February 11, 2014, 10:20:42 AM
First coming out to friends: most of them replied. "Finally, we seen it coming. or had a good idea you were."

First time I came out to my parents:  *Father turned around in the car, punched me in the mouth and knocked my ass out cold then later that night in my sleep cut my ponytail off*

so sorry you got treated like that.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 11, 2014, 10:24:47 AM
so sorry you got treated like that.

Thanks, I never recovered from that either, I shut down emotionally, smoked pot like it was my destiny, And repressed being trans untill I was 24. I was 14 when I came out.
Me and my father barely speak. He hasnt looked at a single photo since I transitioned.  He was always afraid id look like a girly man, I think he was wrong and is afraid to look and admit he was wrong. But im not gonna sweat it. He is slowly dying of Colon cancer and i'm not gonna afford him my attention or a visit till he rights his wrongs.

don't blame you It's a pretty mean thing to do to your child

Quote from: Teela Renee on February 11, 2014, 10:20:42 AM
First coming out to friends: most of them replied. "Finally, we seen it coming. or had a good idea you were."

First time I came out to my parents:  *Father turned around in the car, punched me in the mouth and knocked my ass out cold then later that night in my sleep cut my ponytail off*

Good Lord.  And that's what you get for being honest. 


No good deed goes unpunished apparently.

-AM

I was 43 years old and had been spending the days prior soul-searching and questioning why it was that I seemed to need to present myself as a woman.   I used to be able to keep those feelings in check, but now they had moved from the background to front-and-center.  I had been spending a lot of my free time searching the internet about gender variance and drinking heavily.  A few days prior to coming out officially I had already told my wife drunkenly that I wished I could BE her and wanted to try crossdressing at some point.  Oddly enough, she was OK with that and it wasn't the dealbreaker I had feared.  The proverbial genie was already halfway out fo the bottle.

I read some more about gender variance on the internet, and was finally able to admit to myself that I was an androgyne or perhaps bigender at very least.   When my wife came home that night, I was probably already a bit buzzed.  We made cocktails, went out on the lanai and she asked me how my day was. 

"Boring", I said.  I paused.  "OK. That was a lie, it was anything but."  I had just enough liquid courage to spill the beans and admitted that I probably need a therapist.  I proceeded to tell her that I had always felt this way since I was a little kid, but suddenly I could no longer ignore it.  She told me that she thought I had been been out-of-whack for months and suspected a hormonal imbalance(!!!)  I had been noticeably calmer, more affectionate and less angry for some time.  She began to sob.  I feared she would want to leave me.  She feared I would end up leaving her for a guy.  Once we realized that neither of these worst case scenarios was going to happen, we paused and moved forward.   She then expressed fear that every conversation we would ever have from there on out would be about my gender issues.  I promised that it needed to be addressed in the short term, but once I was able to work it out and figure out how to live my life, it would pass.

It did eventually.  It took months of exploring before I figured out that I am indeed a transsexual and needed to transition fully.

Quote from: Jill F on February 11, 2014, 11:56:53 AM
I was 43 years old and had been spending the days prior soul-searching and questioning why it was that I seemed to need to present myself as a woman.   I used to be able to keep those feelings in check, but now they had moved from the background to front-and-center.  I had been spending a lot of my free time searching the internet about gender variance and drinking heavily.  A few days prior to coming out officially I had already told my wife drunkenly that I wished I could BE her and wanted to try crossdressing at some point.  Oddly enough, she was OK with that and it wasn't the dealbreaker I had feared.  The proverbial genie was already halfway out fo the bottle.

I read some more about gender variance on the internet, and was finally able to admit to myself that I was an androgyne or perhaps bigender at very least.   When my wife came home that night, I was probably already a bit buzzed.  We made cocktails, went out on the lanai and she asked me how my day was. 

"Boring", I said.  I paused.  "OK. That was a lie, it was anything but."  I had just enough liquid courage to spill the beans and admitted that I probably need a therapist.  I proceeded to tell her that I had always felt this way since I was a little kid, but suddenly I could no longer ignore it.  She told me that she thought I had been been out-of-whack for months and suspected a hormonal imbalance(!!!)  I had been noticeably calmer, more affectionate and less angry for some time.  She began to sob.  I feared she would want to leave me.  She feared I would end up leaving her for a guy.  Once we realized that neither of these worst case scenarios was going to happen, we paused and moved forward.   She then expressed fear that every conversation we would ever have from there on out would be about my gender issues.  I promised that it needed to be addressed in the short term, but once I was able to work it out and figure out how to live my life, it would pass.

It did eventually.  It took months of exploring before I figured out that I am indeed a transsexual and needed to transition fully.

It's great you had someone to share with

A bit (OK very) sleazy and seedy,I was 21 and was on strike and money was tight.I started hanging out at a gay bar letting guys buy me drinks and chatting them up(A guy I rode bikes with taught me this one).I could wear stretch jeans then and was very androgynous with long hair and earrings.Graham a guy I met that night told me he thought I was a girl,I told him I wanted to be one.We hooked up for a few weeks and then he moved and we lost touch

Came out as a crossdresser who "couldn't possibly be a woman." Quickly divorced my first wife because of her inability to cope... amongst a lot of other things.

Married my 2nd wife was totally on board before the relationship even started. Then we got married, and she didn't want to be married to a woman anymore. So she started finding men. Marriage anulled, because CT is pretty transphobic. That's the only time transphobia has ever worked in my favor  ???

Now I'm out full time, except when it comes to interviews. After the interview, I plan on going through a mock transition and just sorta being myself. There's not much difference, aside from how I hold myself. Uniform's still the same. I'll still wear a sports bra, because it's an active job.

Friends accepted me fairly well and most still support me to this day. My family was a different story. You would have thought a Nitro Glycerin truck was driving through hell on July 4th during a drought and exploded! 8 months later now emotions and judgments have become better and they begrudgingly accept it now. I was told I did not have to move to another state, if that is acceptance. My sister still has not come around though, she told me to tell Satan "Hi" when I got there! ;D

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 11, 2014, 06:58:04 PM
Friends accepted me fairly well and most still support me to this day. My family was a different story. You would have thought a Nitro Glycerin truck was driving through hell on July 4th during a drought and exploded! 8 months later now emotions and judgments have become better and they begrudgingly accept it now. I was told I did not have to move to another state, if that is acceptance. My sister still has not come around though, she told me to tell Satan "Hi" when I got there! ;D

It sounds like she's met Satan before.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 11, 2014, 07:06:34 PM
It sounds like she's met Satan before.

*GIGGLE* Yeah, I think they are an item! :laugh:

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 11, 2014, 06:58:04 PM
Friends accepted me fairly well and most still support me to this day. My family was a different story. You would have thought a Nitro Glycerin truck was driving through hell on July 4th during a drought and exploded! 8 months later now emotions and judgments have become better and they begrudgingly accept it now. I was told I did not have to move to another state, if that is acceptance. My sister still has not come around though, she told me to tell Satan "Hi" when I got there! ;D

Wow thats terrible, sorry about that :(

Quote from: Teela Renee on February 11, 2014, 10:28:26 AM
Thanks, I never recovered from that either, I shut down emotionally, smoked pot like it was my destiny, And repressed being trans untill I was 24. I was 14 when I came out.
Me and my father barely speak. He hasnt looked at a single photo since I transitioned.  He was always afraid id look like a girly man, I think he was wrong and is afraid to look and admit he was wrong. But im not gonna sweat it. He is slowly dying of Colon cancer and i'm not gonna afford him my attention or a visit till he rights his wrongs.

I can't believe he did that and I can totally understand you being pissed about it.... Idk anything about your relationship with your father, but I hope you two can fix things up before he passes. I say this because I know what its like to lose a parent; both mine had passed by the time I was 25, and it definitely sucks.

My mom had cancer and was on hospice, given only a few months to live. I knew this, but was in total denial about it. She seemed weak, but definitely ok, didn't look or act like she was about to die. Her favorite niece made a special trip to come visit her one weekend, she lived pretty far away, and my mom looked better than she had in a long time. The day after she left, my mom became unconscious and died a few hours later. I never had that talk with her, never said I love you beforehand, because I thought we had more time. She meant the world to me, and it kills me to this day to know that I never said goodbye or anything. I just hope you don't make the same mistake I did, and end up regretting it for the rest of your life.

Oh! Right!
Mom and Dad

Dad's cool with it but he doesn't really understand... which is understandable. He's a conservative born and raised in Vermont. He's under the impression that because it remotely has to do with genitals, that I'm out whoring myself out in every red light district in NYC. So his main concern is that I don't get AIDS. While that's a real deal for a lot of trans folk, I'm not interested in having sex with anyone (at this point in time), and it shouldn't be a concern for him.

Mom... doesn't understand. She's from Thailand, and her English isn't the best, so trying to convey it to her confuses her.

My brother and sister are cool with it :)

:o there's so many supportive stories :D but it's also sad how some of you girls have had such a rough time when coming out :/

1. Lost family
2. Lost high position and well paying job
3. Fell into street prostitution to survive
4. Mocked by everyone in the streets on a daily basis

What a range of stories!  Some of them gave me a warm feeling inside, some of them made me so sad.  I guess we all have to go through these really scary moments waiting for the reaction. 

I talked about this is another thread, but I'll put it here one more time.

I struggled with my final meltdown for 8 months before finally saying to my partner that I had to tell her something.  I was really scared of losing her, and it took my a week to get up the courage to tell her.  When I finally did she was shocked and unable to understand what I'd said.  It took her two days to come around to it and in the end she is so understanding and sympathetic.

After 45 years of holding it all inside with less and less and success, it felt amazingly liberating to finally let it out.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 10, 2014, 08:29:49 PM
seems kind of weird to have that kind of reaction to some one who's already acknowledged that they were gay. I don't know maybe not ,but it seems weird

Actually, a lot of people accept gays and lesbians while rejecting trans people.  It happens all the time, even within in the lgbt community.  In any case, we were moving apart as people, so the blow wasn't too hard.  Most of my friends now are cool about it or really supportive.

This will probably gross a lot of people out.

Before transition I rarely showered, maybe a few times a week, I'd shave but only because I hated the itchiness of a beard.  I rarely brushed my teeth.  Never bothered to comb my hair which was usually buzzed anyway.  I didn't make the slightest attempt to take care of myself.

I hated myself and I saw this body as merely a broken tool.  One day I had loaded my glock, chambered a round, and was staring down the business end.  While contemplating decorating the wall with brain matter my sister called.  I was a drunken mess, but I figured since I was about to play Picasso with my glock I came out to her as being trans and told her exactly what I was about to do.

She stayed on the phone with me while her husband called the sheriffs office here, they live in WV and I live in MN.  The 5 sheriffs kicked down the door and told me to put down the gun (I wasn't holding it at the time anyway). 

At which point I was hand cuffed, rushed to a hospital and a psychologist.  It took him no time at all to get to the root of the problem.  Weeks later I was released from the hospital and practically my entire family was there and knew what was going on.

I'll never forget my mother's first words "I'd rather have a living, breathing, and passionate daughter than a dead son.  I love you, I just want you to be happy, and if becoming a woman is going to do just that, so be it."

Now that I'm transitioning, now that I'm actually living for the first time, I'm really happy about two things: That I didn't go through with it and I have a sister with the balls (proverbially speaking) and brains the size of Texas.  I owe her and her husband my life.  If she hadn't called, it is very likely I wouldn't be here today to share this story with you.

-AM

Oh my! Well I'm glad you are finally able to transition and live your life as your true self Androgynous_Machine :) Hope things are going swell for you too!

Well, I came out for the first time on Jan 30, 2014, to my girlfriend. I had a thread for a little while in the 'Coming Out' section of these forums (my first post was there, too.) Maybe some of you remember me from that. I'll basically copy and paste the story here, though.

Quote from: ath on January 31, 2014, 03:17:12 AM
So I DID IT :) and it went pretty well. Totally not how I expected I would go into the conversation, either. Also, I had no idea I was going to going to do it until a few minutes before I did it.

I wanted to be more casual with it, but we were in the midst of a serious conversation already - discussing what we wanted to do with our lives - so I figured it was as good a time as any and I didn't know when the next moment would come that would work so well.

I was extremely nervous, before going into it. I couldn't even make myself just flat out say it like I wanted to. So instead, I forced my hand and told her something (i forget exactly what) that pretty much made me have to finish telling her once I started. I still had a long pause, but I eventually worked the sentence telling her about me wanting to be a woman out of my mouth.

She was relieved that that's all I was telling her. We had a long conversation and I explained more about it, and about all sorts of stuff.

She said she supports me 100%, and that she will always be there for me. She said she will see if she wants to remain with me in a romantic sense as things progress. She says she fell in love with me as a male and also likes my body as is, but also could see herself liking me as a female. She said she's with me for the long haul, at least until we've figured out how everything will play out.

Overall, very good experience, and I feel like I'm a million pounds lighter.

Since then, my girlfriend has gone into a self-searching mission of her own. We realized we were spending pretty much all of our time together and that wasn't good for either of us, even though we love each other a ton. We both work a lot, opposite schedules now pretty much. When she gets home I'm usually in a coma because I have a VERY crazy sleep schedule. (it's not regular at all, yet I get enough sleep. I also sleep in 2-4 periods per day, about 4-7 hours total, and I feel great having started this again. It's how I've been naturally since 17 or 18, and it feels amazing to finally sleep how I naturally do)

She's been spending a lot of time with her other friends, and I've been doing the same. We're pretty much 'on hold' relationship wise. She doesn't know how she feels yet - and definitely is questioning whether or not she wants to continue our romantic relationship - which I am surprisingly totally OK with. She just doesn't know if she likes guys or girls more, now. She started out as lesbian, then got into dudes, and now she's just very questioning of herself.

We've talked about it all a lot and we just want to put it on hold for a while, at least until my HRT has started making some noticeable changes. We won't try to start any new relationships, but for now we're just waiting to see what happens, pretty much.

She's been ultra supportive though. Since then I let her tell her sister about it all, since I can't just drop this bombshell and let her handle it all alone. Her sister has been ridiculously supportive - neither of them treat me any differently, except in ways I like :). Such as using 'peace out, girl scout' as a goodbye, among other things, pronoun related or otherwise. They've been trying to help me pass, too. She's even excited about seeing HRTs effects on me and is more impatient than I am about changes, haha.

First off, thank you all for sharing your stories.  Some of you friends have shown such AMAZING courage in coming out to loved ones who maybe weren't ready or able to respond as best as you might hope.  I am in such awe of you!

Just last week, I came out to my younger brother (age 20 to my 27).  He and I have always been extremely close--a side benefit to sharing a room together as kids, mayhaps.  Personality-wise, it sometimes feels like we've got that twin syndrome going on--in response to a comment made by someone or something we see on TV, one of us will often say that exact same thing the other was currently thinking, prompting much playful banter and punching over shouts of "Get out of my head!"  So, when it came time to tell someone about myself and my journey, I knew he would absolutely be the first person I tell.

We went to see a Jeremy Messersmith concert together on a frigid, icy Minnesota Friday, and got there early to stake out good spots.  While we were there, we talked about everything--our family, our lives, our choices, school, whatever.  It was great.  Afterwards, we came back to my place, put some Netflix on, and drank some beers and whatnot.  I had known the entire night I wanted to tell him, but it took me until the very end of the night, as all buzz was fading, to finally open up and explain.  I told him about going to see a psychologist with the aim to explore some sexuality and gender questions, and how I've had trans thoughts for what feels like forever, and how I've been crossdressing since college, and now I was looking at going further.  And the whole time, he listened, and nodded.  I don't think he was exactly surprised--truthfully, I think he probably thought I was going to come out as gay, but trans was not much of a stretch for him.  He had a friend in high school who's older sister came out as a transman, and transitioned during college, so he's had some conversations and experience with the issue through that experience.

The thing was, my brother kept hugging me, and we NEVER hug, so that was new.  And I desperately WANTED to cry, but I couldn't--an aspect of my maleness that irks me HARDCORE, though that's a whole other story.  And after all that, I drove him home, came back, and just thought, "Wow.  That just happened."

In the end, I am absolutely glad I didn't, and we have hung out since and our relationship is exactly the same, though I have not presented as female in front of him yet.  Soon, I feel it'll be time to come out to my parents, and while I have been blessed with absolutely amazingly supportive, open-minded parents, that fear that they might not react as you expect or daresay hope is there.  But, honesty is so key to happiness, I feel.

I told my mother technically at age 3...that I didn't want it anymore. That I whined when I didn't get a Barbie from Santa. That I was a girl on my tests, that my report card said if I wasn't sure (haha, I was sure!) "that [name] is a boy", when my day was made doing/reading/acting female roles for the play I was in, and in school.

But she really got the true message at 16, January 24th, 2009. I had just gotten back from Washington DC, to see Obama sworn in. Given I had a special ticket from a state senator, plus a local news interview after, cool times. But what really I remember most, go figure. First night, after they divide us up between male and female (much as I really wanted to go with the other girls, I had worry of what would happen if I did). As soon as all of the other girls leave..."WE'RE ALL MEN HERE, RIGHT?" Raucous roars in response, aside from me, like lions after seeing the fresh steak for lunch. It didn't, still doesn't, seem real. Felt out of a movie, as if to represent my internal struggles, with the slow gliding motion memories I remember the boys responding with. Instead, I quivered in fear, with a sadly, sick, if worried, face. That was the point I realized I had to actually do something more, or I'd be going through this hell more, even aside from puberty, which I might add was basically just starting for me.

So, I'm back with my mother, and I want to tell her the previous day, January 23rd, but I get scared, not because of them, but because I fear the worst, as I do in basically any scenario. The day turns to Sunday, as I sit in the car, and tell her something is bothering me, stresses me out a lot, and so on. As the thankfully concerned mother she is, she wants to know what. I have her guess, and she guesses gay and bi, likely since I hadn't ever dated another girl before. I eventually tell her that I'm female, and she lets out an, "Oh. Okaaayy." Big weight off my shoulders, obviously, and she suggests telling my father, and does so. I go in after her, to get a sausage breakfast burrito and apple juice, to calm myself down, to my success.

Her reaction? Well, she originally want to give me testosterone boosters, not out of meanness, but to think it would help. Also thought the surgery was a "mutilation" and that I'd make an ugly girl. I honestly had no reaction to the latter, because frankly, I didn't care. As I reasoned it immediately, "I'd rather be an ugly girl, than any kind of guy." Also encouraged me to do it older (like 29) before doing anything, and I couldn't imagine waiting that long. Also told me to try sex with a[nother] girl. Eww, no thanks, that just sounded not cool, unless I was the girl, with a guy.

But, she just had to learn more, as she has said, and she became an extremely huge advocate, promoting me to do work, to be more open, glad I'm doing the documentary I'm in, working with well known families of transitioning youth, and so on. My father was the same way, just a huge advocate of it all, like my mother was, and still is. She realizes now, and regrets that she missed earlier, obvious signs, and that had I been born more recently, there's no doubt she'd have handled things differently, that I'd have been on blockers, and so on. Well, whatever, I forgive her, she's admitted wrong for all she could, with the benefit of retrospection. Not to mention, testosterone barely grazed me (if only in very small facial hair growths, nothing else), visually, and didn't do anything voice wise to me. Of all things, estrogen did more there for me. Aside from emotional impact, meh, no difference, and I still started rather young, and feel I got really good results from hormones.

I can't ask for a better mom as I transition...we discuss girly things, enjoy talk about actors and guys we have crushes on, shopping trips to the mall, talking about one another's outfits, see the ballet together, how we feel about lesbian crushes (haha, we're both straight, so not much), etc. It's amazing what a mother-daughter rapport we have in what we do, so special. I realize this is fortunate, and I am thankful every day for it. My sisters are the same way, just see me as their big sister. Gosh, I love my family, difficult as they may be at times. Just us four gals. It's a wonderful thing, where I honestly don't remember anything about a guy...it all seems blurry and impossible to comprehend in my mind. So if there's a hard place with you and family right now, just know, it's never easy on them at first, but it can absolutely turn around for the best.

The first person I came out to was my mom. She didn't really know anything about it so I found myself educating her mostly. I dont think she took it serious till I started shaving my bodies hair and only buying women clothes.