Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've got a bit of a dilemma that I could use some advice on. I may be over-thinking this, as I tend to do.

I'm not out to anyone besides my therapist right now, and I desperately want to come out to my best friend. I need someone to talk to and potentially help with fallout if coming out to my parents goes south. He and I have been friends for probably 12 years, and I don't want to mess this up. We will be starting a small business this summer once we're both out of college, and I don't want to do the wrong thing here and throw that and the friendship away. I'm not sure how he would take it.

I could:
1. Come out now, risking friendship and future business.
2. Wait till the business is started, also risking both the friendship and business.

My underlying thought is that if I wait, there will be more reason for him to stick around. If I do it now, he could just say "see ya" and take off. Whereas if I wait, there is more "incentive" for him to not make a rash decision.

Side info that could affect his reaction - He's an artsy musician type (as am I), so not super masculine. His friends are mostly girls, and he once said I was the only "guy" he could stand to be around for more than a few hours (talk about a clue!). He seems "fine" with gay people, but gender is a whole different ballgame.

Again, I'm in all likelihood over-thinking this. I'm just terrified of screwing up my only real friendship. I'm probably more scared to tell him than I am to tell my family. As they say, friends are the families we chose for ourselves.

I think we tend to not give our friends enough credit. I was afraid to tell my friends at first especially since my friend at the time was a christian. When I finally told her the truth she was so open to it and she was even curious and excited for me to start my transition. Wouldn't you rather have your friend appreciate and respect you as who you really are than who you pretend to be? Good Luck :)

Quote from: Andrewesd on February 15, 2014, 04:25:03 AM
I think we tend to not give our friends enough credit. I was afraid to tell my friends at first especially since my friend at the time was a christian. When I finally told her the truth she was so open to it and she was even curious and excited for me to start my transition. Wouldn't you rather have your friend appreciate and respect you as who you really are than who you pretend to be? Good Luck :)

Yeap pretty much that,,,

I think if you really trust your friend then you should put your trust in them and tell them (I'm in no way encouraging you to tell all of your friends at once!). In a couple of days I will be putting my money where my mouth is, I have made lunch plans with a friend whom I really trust and I will tell her.

Quote from: Alexa on February 15, 2014, 03:43:33 AM
I've got a bit of a dilemma that I could use some advice on. I may be over-thinking this, as I tend to do.

I'm not out to anyone besides my therapist right now, and I desperately want to come out to my best friend. I need someone to talk to and potentially help with fallout if coming out to my parents goes south. He and I have been friends for probably 12 years, and I don't want to mess this up. We will be starting a small business this summer once we're both out of college, and I don't want to do the wrong thing here and throw that and the friendship away. I'm not sure how he would take it.

I could:
1. Come out now, risking friendship and future business.
2. Wait till the business is started, also risking both the friendship and business.

My underlying thought is that if I wait, there will be more reason for him to stick around. If I do it now, he could just say "see ya" and take off. Whereas if I wait, there is more "incentive" for him to not make a rash decision.

Side info that could affect his reaction - He's an artsy musician type (as am I), so not super masculine. His friends are mostly girls, and he once said I was the only "guy" he could stand to be around for more than a few hours (talk about a clue!). He seems "fine" with gay people, but gender is a whole different ballgame.

Again, I'm in all likelihood over-thinking this. I'm just terrified of screwing up my only real friendship. I'm probably more scared to tell him than I am to tell my family. As they say, friends are the families we chose for ourselves.

Hello! Maybe I could help you out about this. Or just write something down.. It might not seem, but you are already talking to us. It's a first step, besides your therapist.

Better come out and say now, than regret letter. Either regret now and deal with it, but later is going to be much worse (in my opinion).

Being Trans* and in transition is a double edge sward. When you come out you are able to very quickly see who unquestioningly loves you and who is a true friend; however, there is a price to pay to fate.

Better to have one true friend than 100 fake friends.

I think in your case, I would tell him ahead of time. I think it would suck a lot more if you told him after you started a business together and he decided he wanted nothing more to do with you, and leaves you and the business. It would possibly add a ton more stress to you if you had to take over everything and find a way to pay for it all by yourself, while at the same time, having to deal with the lose of your best friend. He could decide to remain with the business but become an ass and put you down constantly or just make your life miserable; that wouldn't be a very good situation either.

So I'd tell him ahead of time, to see if he's ok with it, and see if he still wants to go ahead with your plans. If he does, great, that's one less thing you have to worry about, if he doesn't, ok, at least you know, and now you have some time to look into other options before you graduate in the summer. Hope this helps.

-Kelly