Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I wrote this post a few days ago about the first time I slept with my bf:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,160063.0.html

And in that post I communicated that he was so considerate and open, and made such an effort to let me know how much he loved my body, that he must have known that I'm trans.

It turns out he didn't.

I wrote him a letter saying something like, "I'm aware that you probably know I'm trans, but I haven't brought it up because it takes me a while to open up to people about it." So then he called me when he got it and told me he had no idea. Then he said, "I guess it was my naiveté."

Then I told him that him using the word naiveté hurt me because it implied that I was deceiving him, that he should have known even though I've never slept with anyone post-op who's figured it out unless they knew beforehand. He apologized and said he only meant that he knew very little about the trans world, being a heterosexual man.

So then I started crying and he heard the catch in my voice. He started crying too.

We both have crazy days tomorrow so we can't see each other until Thursday, so we'll both have a day to think. I really really like this one you guys, possibly more than anyone ever. I really hope he stays. I'll keep you updated.

Yes, please let us know how it goes! I hope everything works out and the happiness goes on. :)

good luck I really hope the best

Mandonlym, I think honesty is the best policy.  I hope he realizes that you are a good person.

I guess it is one of those thing. How would he have know? Should I have told him before I slept with him? Does he have a right to know as you are a woman in all ways that matter? Etcetera, etcetera. It is a personal thing and know one has the answer or the right to tell you what to say or do. However what I do know is I hope it works out in the end, because everyone deserves happiness.

This is giving me the weirdest complex. There are a number of people in my life I haven't explicitly told but I assume know just by interacting with me and reading between the lines in terms of my views, activism, queer identity, etc. But maybe they don't.

I honestly thought he knew. He told me he looked me up online and complimented my body so much I thought he wanted me to feel comfortable and not self-conscious. Turned out those were just sincere compliments about my body. :) Though I don't know if he feels the same way now... in my experience it takes a little bit of time but they get over that part eventually. The more longterm issue is probably how it affects his view of his own masculinity, sexuality, etc.

Sent him e-mail this morning just to check in. Haven't heard back though I know he's at work so probably won't hear back until lunchtime. On pins and needles.

Hi mandonlym,

To get you through, until you meet again, focus on your positive aspects. Don't dwell on any negative assumptions.

I hope in the fullness of time you are able to take a lot from this event in which to strengthen yourself.

When it comes to relationships, making assumptions about how others think, what they know, how they'll react, what they like, is a MAJOR no no. The word assume is self explanatory. You don't want to make an ASS out of U and ME.

This is where the subtly art of communication plays it's role. On any topic you are not certain how someone thinks, you just need to ask them questions about it. Remember, whoever asks the questions, controls the conversation. Opened ended questions like, "How do you feel about ....  What do you know about ....... " the answers from which, will give you the knowledge of where to go from there.

My second point regards our own self respect, and how to maintain it. The most important organ in our body, is our brain. It governs everything we do, say, think, like, etc. It pumps our blood, makes us breath. There is well documented medical papers detailing the substantial differences between the male and female brain. If you were born with a female brain, you are a female till the day you die, regardless of how many arms, legs, heads, fingers or toes you're born with, including genitalia.

You were obviously born with a female brain, making you a women, with a few bodily defects. Society deemed you to be masculine gender, just because of the way you presented yourself. To satisfy your self respect you needed to transition from this masculine form to your predetermined feminine gender. Again, society wanting labels, labelled you as transgender. You therefore underwent surgery to correct this defect. Once your body's gender conformed to your brain gender, you were no longer transgender.

The point I'm making with this explanation is you are no longer Trans, as much as someone who has been cured of cancer is no longer a person who suffers from cancer. I have met far too many women who still consider themselves Trans, after surgery. Carrying this inappropriate mantel like some old beleaguered baggage they fail to use the empowerment, surgery has provided, and miss so many opportunities to grow and develop into women of substance.

You are a very intelligent woman, moving forward into your rightful place in society, with much to give. Don't drag your past with you. There's nothing you can do about it, you can't change it. The future is all yours to determine how it plays out. Make the most of it. It's the only thing you have control over.

Huggs
Catherine

I really appreciate this Catherine, and I understand your perspective at a personal level. In a lot of ways, I don't feel trans and don't even really think about being trans on a day to day basis. I am, however, committed to helping other people through the difficulties of being transgendered. So to use your cancer analogy, it may be more accurate to say that I am no longer trans, but I survived the condition of being transgendered. That's a perspective I have to think about but I can see myself being able to embody that.

He's been really amazing since all this transpired. He called me this morning to make sure I was okay, and reiterated that he in no way feels deceived and that I shouldn't feel that way if I have any inkling of it. We both talked about feeling a certain disequillibrium because of the misunderstanding, so we're both trying to adjust and right ourselves. I've also had to review our entire interaction in my head, and evaluate it not from the perspective of being someone who was aware of my past and is choosing to let me talk about it on my own time, to someone who had no idea. In a lot of ways, it's gratifying that a lot of gestures he made that I interpreted as trying to make me feel comfortable were made just because he feels so excited about me.

I e-mailed him an article that a friend wrote about being the partner of an FTM trans man, and he said he downloaded and printed a couple of articles himself, and put them in a folder to read in between busy times at his job. His emotional maturity through all this still astounds me. Right now, the only thing I fear is that he might come out the other end still unable to instinctively handle it, and that would result in one of the biggest losses I've felt in a long time.

Well, I'm sure it doesn't hurt that he works in the mental health field. again hoping for the best

Good luck with you relationship :)

He seems like a really nice guy

I just finished talking to him on the phone (lordy I've been crying a lot today). He said he was on his way home and he couldn't help but start grinning from ear to ear. He said it feels like something has been burnt away in our relationship, only to reveal something truer that he looks forward to exploring.

I told him that I had been thinking a lot that day too, about the misunderstanding and how it affected me. I told him about being fortunate that everyone I've deeply cared about has accepted this part of me when they found out, but they tended to treat it like a part of me that they can set aside and forget. I didn't know there was another way that he's showing me, to acknowledge and live with it, and to treat it as a part of my life that he can learn to enjoy and appreciate. Also, I told him that after thinking through the misunderstanding and reviewing our relationship so far in my head, the most substantial feeling I am left with is the sense that he sees me for who I am, in a way that I've never felt with anyone else before.

He's coming over tomorrow afternoon. He said he can't wiat. I can't either.

Yay!!

Im living vicariously through your posts. Keep us updated!

I wish you all the best. It is all we can ask if only for some understanding and respect.

Isabell

He also sent me this poem:

To Have Without Holding
Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can't do it, you say it's killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor's button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

Mmmmm.....I hope some day I can mirror this experience....I am so envious, and hope everything turns out amazing for you!

well, your making me incredibly jealous , I hope my turn comes to hold someone like that in my arms and feel the warmth your sharing with us.

He doesn't have any eligible brothers at home, does he, mandonlym ??  :icon_lol:

Huggs
Catherine

I was not going to comment because there were so many good responses and support; what could I offer other than support. Well I read the poem and I could feel through the words. Obviously you feel the same for him. I will be sending good thoughts you way, hugs.

He is just so over the top, wow. I have my finger crossed.

This is really neat. My potential future of dating a boyfriend is complicated.

Thanks so much everyone for your words of support. No matter how things turn out, I really appreciate people's feedback and encouragement, and I hope the people following this story as it unfolds find it worthwhile. And come on everyone, let's stay positive and hopeful! You don't know what's out there until you get out there! And Catherine, he has two older brothers but I believe they're both taken.  ^-^

I sent him this John Ashbery poem back. It's one of my favorites... I've always associated it with my journey and finding someone at the end of it, but it really describes the universal condition of taking your time to figure out who you are:


Just Walking Around

What name do I have for you?
Certainly there is not name for you
In the sense that the stars have names
That somehow fit them. Just walking around,

An object of curiosity to some,
But you are too preoccupied
By the secret smudge in the back of your soul
To say much and wander around,

Smiling to yourself and others.
It gets to be kind of lonely
But at the same time off-putting.
Counterproductive, as you realize once again

That the longest way is the most efficient way,
The one that looped among islands, and
You always seemed to be traveling in a circle.
And now that the end is near

The segments of the trip swing open like an orange.
There is light in there and mystery and food.
Come see it.
Come not for me but it.
But if I am still there, grant that we may see each other.

Thank you sooooo much, mandonlym,

Although asked very much tongue in cheek, I just had to ask. If I never never ask, I'll never never know. :icon_lol:

Huggs
Catherine

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 26, 2014, 11:25:06 PM
Thank you sooooo much, mandonlym,

Although asked very much tongue in cheek, I just had to ask. If I never never ask, I'll never never know. :icon_lol:

No thank *you* for the support! I actually talked to him about your perspective and how the misunderstanding caused me to, for the first time, really think of myself as *not* trans but as a trans survivor. Definitely a mental adjustment, but the way he is with me especially knowing now that he didn't know about my history makes me feel that way.

It's not even 6 and I'm already awake. Too excited to sleep. Now that the possibility of him being ok with everything is coming closer to reality, I'm allowing myself to think about how hunky he is. :) It's funny because I've developed this habit of putting my hands on my chin and just staring at his big blue eyes when we talk because I can just look at his face forever and ever, how kind it is yet also so masculine. He started imitating me and it's kind of hilarious. I wish I could post pictures! Maybe I'll ask for his permission and do that someday...

So the story continues...

He came over last night and we talked for a few hours. As usual, he was able to draw out so much from me... my entire history, how I transitioned, etc. I told him this was all new to me... Usually the guys I've been with just go to their own corner and then come out deciding to be with me, but I protect that part of my history from my lovers because I'm afraid it would affect how they perceive me.

We went to dinner then back to my place and started having sex. It felt new and awkward, and we were both clearly self-conscious. After a while we decided to go to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night, and discovered that he was awake too. I told him it was different now, and I'm scared it will never be like before. He said he wasn't sure why but he was really sad, and that made me cry because I thought he couldn't handle it and was going to break up with me. And when he felt my tears against his shoulders he started crying too and I felt his body tremble.

Then he did something I didn't expect. He turned to face me and said something like, "But I like this. I like feeling your body..." Then we started kissing again and one thing led to another. There was still a little awkwardness, but much less than before. He tends to be really focused on pleasing me, so it was nice that he talked about what he liked because we were able to focus on pleasing him.

He just left to go to work. I have to go out of town this weekend, but I'm having dinner with him and some friends Sunday night. It's the first time my friends are meeting him. The whole thing is still really scary. I haven't been this vulnerable to someone before.

I totally know where you're at, and I get you on this, mandonlym.

It is scary to be this vulnerable. But being vulnerable is good. At least in this case it is. As it's opening him up, and allowing his thoughts and feelings to be exposed. Neither of you are crushing the other.

Maybe vulnerability is a good topic to start off your next discussion. Hope Sunday continues to grow and deepen this relationship.

Huggs
Catherine

sounds promising

Promising but really hard. I'm used to the guy just running off on his own and then coming back with a decision. Me telling him everything and him visibly grapple with it and have a hard time of course affects my perception of myself. I think we both cried because we were mourning the loss of our projections of the relationship-- him dating a ciswoman and me being someone who already understood without me telling him. Hopefully in the end it'll be better for both of us, but right now everything is raw.

well, good luck

He left a message while I was on the subway... He said he'd been "thinking very fondly of many moments with you yesterday." So it looks like we'll continue to be here, in this raw place. I'm so tempted to run but I'll try to hold on.

He also told me about this story. He said that before he met me he read it as an observer but now he feels like the fisherman. It's called "The Skeleton Woman":

http://awakeningwomen.com/2010/07/04/skeleton-woman-a-love-story/

seems quite hopeful

Hi mandonlym,

"........  and that is how they awakened, wrapped one around the other, tangled from their night, in another way now, a good and lasting way."

Lets hope this is the part of your own personal stories you are both up to. I see no other part of that story that equates to where you are at this moment.

Be thinking of you on Sunday night.

Huggs
Catherine