Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Had an experience at the bus stop, this guy tried to chat me up (at least I think that's what he was trying to do). I was waiting for the bus and next thing I hear, "Hello" and see this shortish guy with glasses and a very "Gollum" like face standing there looking at me and grinning. I hardly wanted to talk to him. So I just waved "hello" in a fairly dismissive way. "What are you up to?" he asked... and without a second thought I said "None of your business" and walked away. He had a rather shocked look on his face - don't know if it was because it was an answer he didn't normally get or because my voice hadn't quite broken in by that stage - anyway he didn't follow me. It didn't phase me but it was a bit of a reminder that some guys actually think bus stops are an acceptable place to chat up women.

Where's the weirdest place a total stranger has chatted you up?

No such place exists

Oh dear.... :icon_ashamed:

Ha ha, oh getting chatted up by men. It's definitely happened at the bus stop and on the bus. The most vivid thing that comes to mind was once a few years ago when I was getting out of a club and it was snowing. The guy at the door stopped me and started talking to me, then tried to get my number. In the meantime, people kept coming and trying to get in and he held them off while he was talking to me. So this line of people shivering in the snow kept getting longer and longer and he refused to let anyone in until I gave him my number. Bouncer-types scare me because of how big they are and my feelings of safety about them finding out my gender status. So I gave him a fake number and got into a cab and that was that.

I actually registered just to comment on this one.

Unless there was something major you left out, I think you were pretty damned rude to him. Was it because he had a "Gollum" look to him?  People often want to chat when they are standing around waiting on something, its pretty normal, doesn't mean he was lying in wait for someone to hit on or "chat up."   If he did know or figure out you were trans, he will likely now figure that trans people are bitter or have a bad attitude. I've heard that from people before when they commented on how nice and friendly I am in comparison.


Don't always assume the worst about people unless they really give you a reason to think the worst of them. Its not a good way to be accepted or even to treat another person.

now back to the occasional lurking in between reading up on food safety.

Hello, pumpkin.

Remember, below 41F for chilled foods, below 0F for frozen foods, and above 135F for warm foods.

I'll have a hot dog with the works  ;)

Quote from: JaimeD on February 26, 2014, 04:22:06 PM
I actually registered just to comment on this one.

Unless there was something major you left out, I think you were pretty damned rude to him. Was it because he had a "Gollum" look to him?  People often want to chat when they are standing around waiting on something, its pretty normal, doesn't mean he was lying in wait for someone to hit on or "chat up."   If he did know or figure out you were trans, he will likely now figure that trans people are bitter or have a bad attitude. I've heard that from people before when they commented on how nice and friendly I am in comparison.


Don't always assume the worst about people unless they really give you a reason to think the worst of them. Its not a good way to be accepted or even to treat another person.

now back to the occasional lurking in between reading up on food safety.

You didn't find the discussion wanting to give death row inmates vaginas worthy of signing up and chatting it up? This thread is the one that pushed you over the edge? Okay then.  :o

Quote from: Nikko on February 26, 2014, 04:39:42 PM
You didn't find the discussion wanting to give death row inmates vaginas worthy of signing up and chatting it up? This thread is the one that pushed you over the edge? Okay then.  :o

I've been in those discussions before, they don't go anywhere but downhill. And this stuff is on my mind today because I had to have a chat with an evening clerk at work about their attitude and behavior.

Quote from: JaimeD on February 26, 2014, 04:44:45 PM
I've been in those discussions before, they don't go anywhere but downhill. And this stuff is on my mind today because I had to have a chat with an evening clerk at work about their attitude and behavior.

Makes sense, I was just curious.

Ms. Grace is usually a sweetheart, my guess is this guy was a bit creepy, probably works as an evening clerk somewhere...  ;)

Quote from: JaimeD on February 26, 2014, 04:22:06 PM
I actually registered just to comment on this one.

Unless there was something major you left out, I think you were pretty damned rude to him. Was it because he had a "Gollum" look to him?  People often want to chat when they are standing around waiting on something, its pretty normal, doesn't mean he was lying in wait for someone to hit on or "chat up."   If he did know or figure out you were trans, he will likely now figure that trans people are bitter or have a bad attitude. I've heard that from people before when they commented on how nice and friendly I am in comparison.


Don't always assume the worst about people unless they really give you a reason to think the worst of them. Its not a good way to be accepted or even to treat another person.

now back to the occasional lurking in between reading up on food safety.

Yes I was rude, and I won't apologise for that. I wasn't of a mind to strike up a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop, Gollum or Adonis. I've heard enough scary stories from my gal pals to know that guys will rely on the fact many women are socially conditioned to be pleasant, even to strangers, and that means they strike up a conversation on public transport and the woman feels she can't tell him to take a hike so ends up with this guy latched on to her for the whole trip thinking she likes him and he "has a chance". I'm glad you joined Susan's even if it was to tell me off - welcome aboard, don't be a lurker! :)

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on February 26, 2014, 04:10:24 PM
Oh, Grace, You naughty girl :). Btw, there is a reason why girls put in earplugs and turn on music players when in public (buses included)! Just sayin'!

Which I have done on the past, and it seems to work a treat. Sadly the battery was about dead, I guess I could have just pretended!  ;D

Quote from: Nikko on February 26, 2014, 05:00:52 PM
Ms. Grace is usually a sweetheart, my guess is this guy was a bit creepy, probably works as an evening clerk somewhere...  ;)

oh, I can be a total b**ch if I want to be! I just never bring it to the forum. ::) but yes he was a bit creepy too...

I may be wrong, but I am quite deluded with men wanting to chat without any reason, or trying to be friendly and prestative towards women. This type of talk "so, what are you up to" is to me an indication that what they really want is to sleep with you.

Again, I may be wrong, but this is the image of men that I have on my mind. I know not all men are jerks, but I see a lot that acts like dogs and think with their genitals.

I would find that quite rude if I saw it. I chat to anyone who asks me a question, but then again I have been accused of being a flirt and I am like, what?! meh. Call me what you will but I am chatty and polite. I suppose you just can't win!

No one has to chat with someone they don't care to speak with, but are bus stops really unacceptable areas to talk?  I guess it depends on what the environment around the stop looks like.  I would actually think it would be common for people to chat at one.

I've never ridden on a commuter bus. I've ridden on two buses in my life (well, since high school that is). One to our cruise ship and one to the Byron Nelson golf tournament. So what makes people so chatty on these things?? Misery?

Quote from: learningtolive on February 26, 2014, 05:51:28 PM
No one has to chat with someone they don't care to speak with, but are bus stops really unacceptable areas to talk?  I guess it depends on what the environment around the stop looks like.  I would actually think it would be common for people to chat at one.

It's the largest one in Sydney, many buses and many people during the afternoon peak hour. In all the hundreds of times and many years I've used it (in dude mode) no one has ever tried to engage me with "Hello. What are you up to?"! Maybe, "Is this the bus to Glebe?" Or "How do I get to Chinatown?" But not a clear attempt at chatting me up. I'm with Natalia in that his intention was obvious. Maybe I should be flattered and maybe he was a nice guy with no agenda but my instant reaction was I didn't feel safe talking to him or even rebuffing him in a more gentle way.

And please don't get the impression I'm like that all the time to everyone, I'm friendly and I love talking to people but they have to be people I feel comfortable with and in circumstances I feel I have some understanding of what's going on.

It's funny, I fully anticipated it could happen but I suppose I'm not used to the idea of guys chatting me up and to be honest it's a bit freaky when it happens. I'm not sexually interested in men but if I'm to live as a woman that's going to be part of the landscape it would seem so I guess I should work a bit on my "thanks, but no thanks" response and not freak out the minute a guy comes onto me.

As far I I'm concerned my safety comes first. I don't know where it says in any city , state or national constitution your obligated to talk to anyone other than the police.

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 26, 2014, 05:11:57 PM
oh, I can be a total b**ch if I want to be! I just never bring it to the forum. ::) but yes he was a bit creepy too...

Never!!

I'm pretty torn on this one. My initial reaction, is, hmm, that's kinda mean. But then I think about this time waiting for the El where a guy said Hi to me and then proceeded to tell me how sexy I am, grab my ass and follow me on the El and all the way down town trying to buy me a drink. I don't know how to be mean, so in another way I wish I could do that. But, now I do what Emily said, I wear ear buds every where even if my phone is dead.

The reason people chat sometimes is because you're standing there doing nothing for 10-15 minutes. It is bascially acceptable where I live to say hello or comment on something, but what happened to me is unusual. If it happened again, as long as I wasn't falling over sick, I would be super nice still. I'm way too nice.

But, if I told every guy who said Hi to me to go screw themselves, I would not have met my on again-off again BF. And no matter how that ends up, I'm really happy it happened and it was a year of awesomness.

To give the guy his due, he had a lot more chutzpah than I ever did as a "dude" - I never had the nerve to chat up women I knew let alone ones that just happened to be standing at the bus stop.

And yeah, friends of mine have recounted similar uncomfortable encounters with guys on public transport including one guy fresh out of prison "trying to make friends". I actually got involved in another situation, arriving at a pub for a monthly artist group get together to find one of the women (the first to arrive) bailed up by some guy who was super charming but as he got drunker was, as it turned out, a returned serviceman from Afghanistan who had some serious PTS and depression issues on top if it being his birthday and that day being dumped by his girlfriend. He was seriously scary and potentially violent. I got him to leave us alone only by being very firm and direct with him. But yeah, random guys behave in random ways.

Quote from: JdlR on February 26, 2014, 08:38:21 PM
Never!!

>:-) :angel:

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 26, 2014, 09:07:04 PM
To give the guy his due, he had a lot more chutzpah than I ever did as a "dude" - I never had the nerve to chat up women I knew let alone ones that just happened to be standing at the bus stop.

So, you don't like men? Like you would never be with one? I'm just wondering because a lot  the repsonses seem to be "guys suck" but what happens if you like men? I mean, I love men, so if a good looking guy just came up and started talking to me, I would be super excited. It happened one time. He is now my on again-off again, back on-again BF. So I think alot of this has to deal with how you view men, sexually. I like women too, but always end up just being friends.My personality just kind of gravitates towards masculine people.

I have a strong attraction to women, although like you I tend to end up with them being friends instead of lovers. Guys... some of them are sweet and some of them are very attractive, handsome and/or charming but they don't turn me on.

BTW, I ran the scenario past a woman at work and she said he got off pretty easy...she used to tell people like that to @#*< off! :o I feel like a paragon of sweetness now! :laugh:

Ms Grace:  When she's good, she's very, very good.  But, when she's bad ...

she's better.  ;)

Oh Gracie, you are developing an intuition. A woman's one.

Just be safe. A rude comment may be met with retaliation.

Quote from: Tori on February 26, 2014, 10:22:06 PM
Oh Gracie, you are developing an intuition. A woman's one.

Yes indeed. Some may see what Grace said as rude but she was there and we weren't so we should not be judgmental about what was said. She is the best judge of her own safety, and she is the best judge of who she should avoid talking to. Besides, she is under no obligation to engage this individual in conversation, especially since he is a stranger that didn't even bother to be polite - "What are you up to?" - Really? Very smooth ::)

Quote from: Tori on February 26, 2014, 10:22:06 PM
Just be safe. A rude comment may be met with retaliation.

Yeah, softening your response a little and smiling while also keeping your distance and not encouraging further conversation is probably a good idea.

I think you were right in doing what you did, because I feel like any time your 'spidy sense' is tingling, i.e. your instinct is telling you to avoid that person, it is probably a good idea to follow your instincts. Better safe than sorry. You should always take your gut feelings into consideration. Logically, I know high places are not dangerous if I am safe with them. Yet I am a total baby when it comes to heights, even short ones, and I let my instincts rule me in that regard.

Here's an example of my spidy sense tingling. This one wasn't me getting hit on or anything, but the guy certainly didn't seem to have good intentions and the conversation starting out pretty much the same way (I felt like he was potentially targeting me for robbery or something).

I was parked in this somewhat creepy parking lot behind my girlfriends work, changing one of my headlights that had just gone out - I seem to have very bad luck getting pulled over when I have a light out so I always change them immediately. This guy started approaching, and as he is standing behind my car (blocked from view due to the car hood being up) he said "Heeeyyyy, you stickin' around for a while?" This struck me as a strange thing to say to someone messing around under their car's hood. I'd expect 'need any help?' or 'what's wrong with your car' or any number of things, but definitely not what he said. I said "no, just changing a headlight and going"

Then he walked along the side of my car towards me, uncomfortably close to my car the entire time (practically touching it). Luckily I was in the middle of slicing open the replacement headlight's package with my 5 inch folding stiletto knife I've had since I was 10. When he passed the hood of my car he could actually see my hands, and see that in one of them was a long, skinny, very stabby looking knife. The instant he saw it I saw his facial expression change, and he instantly turned around and briskly walked off, abruptly breaking off conversation. I finished up really quick and got out of there since it made me feel ultra paranoid.

I'm sorry, this whole conversation is very strange. I live in Chicago, even if walking around as a male much less a female and a guy came up to me on the street and innocently said " Hi what's up" I definitely reserve the right to judge the situation as I see fit.

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 26, 2014, 08:09:40 PM
It's the largest one in Sydney, many buses and many people during the afternoon peak hour. In all the hundreds of times and many years I've used it (in dude mode) no one has ever tried to engage me with "Hello. What are you up to?"! Maybe, "Is this the bus to Glebe?" Or "How do I get to Chinatown?" But not a clear attempt at chatting me up. I'm with Natalia in that his intention was obvious. Maybe I should be flattered and maybe he was a nice guy with no agenda but my instant reaction was I didn't feel safe talking to him or even rebuffing him in a more gentle way.

And please don't get the impression I'm like that all the time to everyone, I'm friendly and I love talking to people but they have to be people I feel comfortable with and in circumstances I feel I have some understanding of what's going on.

It's funny, I fully anticipated it could happen but I suppose I'm not used to the idea of guys chatting me up and to be honest it's a bit freaky when it happens. I'm not sexually interested in men but if I'm to live as a woman that's going to be part of the landscape it would seem so I guess I should work a bit on my "thanks, but no thanks" response and not freak out the minute a guy comes onto me.

There is nothing wrong with that.  I was just unsure if I was missing something on the whole talking at a bus stop.  My only real experience with public buses was at my old university and when I studied in Italy.  It seemed common for people to talk, though I could imagine some places and situations could definitely have an awkward air about them.  Best to proceed with whatever makes you feel most safe and comfortable.  To be honest, I'm really not used to come ons from men, so it's hard for me to guess their intentions.

As for a tangent, if I didn't chat with a stranger on a public bus, I could still be completely lost in Rome.  I remember I once got completely lost on the way back from the Vatican and had no phone and knew very little Italian.  Thank god I ran into some lovely Italian woman that knew English and how to get me back to my hotel, lol.  So, sometimes it can have it's uses.