Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Part of growing up is teenage angst.

And seeing as how many of you have impressed on me that you are still growing up, I thought that it would be "educational" to share you own expereinces with other people. It is an unfortunate fact that teens commit suicide in an alarming rate. They feel powerless to change themselves or the world, so no wonder.

The most important lesson in this is that you are not alone. Most of us have been to the edge at least once. You can always come back if you wish.

I've tried once(like I've mentioned before in my introduction), but thankfully I failed. If I'd succeeded it probably would've just looked like an accident, since that was my intention. It wasn't worth it, especially trying to convince people afterwards that I wasn't trying to kill myself. Not even my psychiatrist knows about my past suicide attempt, it's better that way though.

I'd rather not know what could've happened if I'd died that day. Or think of the pain it would've caused my family.

~Marciel

I can't find an applicable option, as I'll never "try" it.

But that doesn't mean I haven't seriously considered it.

~Kate~

I once started to climb an electricity pylon, saw a public information film once gave me the idea. Seemed silly when i touched the cold metal, bought a turkish delight instead.

Choice not listed.

I lost count years ago.

I've thought about it, put together imaginary plans and methods and goodbye letters in my head, and I have a few scars on my wrist... but I haven't actually tried to kill myself, technically.

I hate this topic. Olny because I know how many times I have tried and a few times I made some nice plans. But they where only plans - I have never tried - I think my plans would of worked  :'(. It would be interesting to know who has not considered it.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on July 14, 2007, 07:41:25 PM
I hate this topic. Olny because I know how many times I have tried and a few times I made some nice plans. But they where only plans - I have never tried - I think my plans would of worked  :'(. It would be interesting to know who has not considered it.

Alice

You know Alice?

Color me naive and idealistic, but I am hoping for that day in my future when such ruminations and ideations are a thing of the past.

Twice.

I am not proud of that fact.

Buffy

Pre-transition (like so many...) I often felt total despair and a desire to end it all and 3 times I found myself in my bedroom with a big glass of water and a load of paracetemol, but each time I just completely broke down in tears when I thought of the pain I'd be causing to my family and friends.

The fact that I had people in my life that I loved and who loved me saved me.  If I'd had noone I know I would not be here today and that's a very very scary thought, because I wouldn't have discovered just how wonderful life can actually be and just how much my family and friends really did love me.

My heart goes out to anyone who truly feels alone; I would like you to know that people here at Susan's care about what happens to you and want to help support you through the pain you may be feeling right now...

MVER XXX

Three times and I am not proud of it. I can't believe how selfish I was to keep putting everyone I knew through that even when they were trying to help me (I just ignored them).
And the truly pathetic thing is that I'm still SO easily triggered; I can't even watch a movie that has someone commit suicide without feeling suicidal myself. >_<

Quote from: Lane on July 15, 2007, 05:38:13 AM
Three times and I am not proud of it. I can't believe how selfish I was to keep putting everyone I knew through that even when they were trying to help me (I just ignored them).
And the truly pathetic thing is that I'm still SO easily triggered; I can't even watch a movie that has someone commit suicide without feeling suicidal myself. >_<

I know, Lane.

I know.   :'(

You look quite handsome, by the way.

should there be a vote for "considered it".

I have not tried it but have considered it perhaps on a daily basis. Today's a good day though, lol.

hugs and kisses

Nigella

I have thought about it a lot. And I know some people who have tried and failed, so I am scared of failing it. Actually I'm too much of a coward to try it.  ???

Once.

Fortunately, I'm an idiot and used a knife with a blade so dull I got tired of trying and went back to crying instead.

My GF banned me from carrying knives.

Three times here.  Actually, I believe that my family would have fared much better emotionally had I succeeded. For the issue would finally be resolved. There would be an end to this thing that they consider a daily nightmare they can't deal with.  They could much better deal with death.  I know it is sick but I firmly believe it.

For me, personally, once I had resolved my issues and could see my life moving forward and could visualize my life as a female, the feelings for suicide subsided.  I rarely think of it now.  Depression is a very difficult thing to fight for the duration of my life.  I recognize it as something that I have .... like a cold ... and that any feelings I have will pass.  They do and I move on.

If you are thinking of suicide, please realize that one of the sources for the feelings you have is the limbo you have in making a decision and moving forward with it.  Find yourself, make your choice, plan your goals and objectives, and start working on the problems you can fix. Resolve and positive action go a long way to prevent suicide.

I love my life  After twenty years, those in my family who still struggle with this have to find their own way.  I can only offer support.  I can no longer provide justification.

Cindi

Quote from: Kate on July 14, 2007, 02:36:46 PM
I can't find an applicable option, as I'll never "try" it.

But that doesn't mean I haven't seriously considered it.

~Kate~

Yep, exactly what Kate said for myself as well; I think there is a missing option there dear Thundra.

Me, myself and I, do not 'try' to suicide.

Course, I suppose headlong into a tree might not kill me but the odds of that are pretty slim at a sufficiently high rate of speed :P But that, as it happens, is one of the reasons I do not drive. Too much instinct involved, not enough time for consideration and rumination. Suicide is, after all, not something to do on a whim. But that said, I reached the finale stages of contemplation but once, Mum an Dad's love for me broke me out of trying to decide how to position the blade so that when I fell on it I would not lie in my own blood fatally wounded for overly long. Not the most pleasant state that if you can avoid it after all. This said I would be far more probable to make use of a shotgun these days. But, all in all I hope I don't. I really don't want to feel my skull caving in... ya know? Hrm, I would suppose not. *sigh* never mind, I am kind of just thinking aloud. Anyway, ^{*points to Kate's post*}, I might as well say it verbatim to that...

I didn't answer the poll, I can admit that I have attempted suicide (I don't want to put a number on it) when I was younger, I tried in my early teens after some problems, I tried again later and in my 40's I tried to drink myself to death, but some girl friends were smart and stopped me.

As someone mention in another thread, most, "most" of the time when someone talks opening about killing themselves, they are asking for help, for someone to talk them out of it.

Now, even though I fight with periods of depression and feelings of killing myself, I find I am Unable to do it.  I value my life more now that I have transitioned.

Sarah L.

Quoteshould there be a vote for "considered it".

I was remiss y'all.
Three new options available.

I know that this is a touchy subject, but like most touchy subjects, being silent about it can bring shame and shame creates it's own problems. Most of us, all people, have at least considered it at some point. I believe it is part of human nature, when things just get too overwhelming.

But I have to emphasize!  You do not have to be ashamed!  Life is hard.  If we are to forgive other people, we have to learn to forgive ourselves first![/b]

#8, several times.

the execution was in progress and interdicted one way or the other every time.

Didn't try, however certainly considered it a number of times. I couldn't do it due to the pain it would cause others and the realization that I what I really needed to do was change my life in some way.

I also had a friend who left earthly plane in that manner.

zythyra

Only once where I really thought I was going to be dead. There were two other times where I really wanted to. Once I took no action farther than walking up to the freeway where I was strongly considering throwing myself in front of a tractor trailer. I lost my nerve. Another time I was going to take about 180 ultram's I had ground up, but my son talked me out of taking it.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on July 15, 2007, 01:20:04 PM
...
For me, personally, once I had resolved my issues and could see my life moving forward and could visualize my life as a female, the feelings for suicide subsided.  I rarely think of it now.  Depression is a very difficult thing to fight for the duration of my life.  I recognize it as something that I have .... like a cold ... and that any feelings I have will pass.  They do and I move on.
...

Cindi

That is what happened to me also. Once I realized that I could live my life as a woman. The sky would not fall in, it changed how I felt about being here. Now that I always have the option of killing myself, in that I know I can do it. It allows me to live my life for me. I don't have to care what anyone else thinks but me. Instead of retreating and dying, instead I am going to do exactly what I want, until someone stops me.

So far, not only has no one tried to stop me, people actually admire how I live my life. We are all just people, no one has more of a right to be here than me. Their wants, needs and desires do not trump mine. So I have no need or desire to bow down to society. Instead I make society accommodate me. I go where I please and I do as I please, within the limits of the law of course. That is why it's so important to me to live in a state that protects my rights as a transsexual person. My hat is off to those of you who live in states where you are not protected. I am sure it changes the discussion about passing from something one might like to do, to something one must do.

I don't have to worry about being evicted or being asked to leave a restaurant. We have enhanced penalties for those who assault or even threaten transgendered people, as well as recourse through the civil courts. My exwife was shocked to find out that my transsexual status would not be considered in determining my ability to care for my children. She was flat out told it would not be a topic of discussion. That is serious protection and made a huge difference. The difference between me getting two of my kids who wanted to stay with me, versus her getting all the kids, me having my parental rights terminated and no visitation, which is what would have happened had I allowed her to take the kids to Tennessee, where she is from.

Like Cindy, once I got to the point where I realized that I could live my life as a woman, the idea of killing myself just faded away.

Love always,
Elizabeth

I picked 'planned it out to the nth detail'

Jessica

Quote from: Elizabeth on July 15, 2007, 09:47:30 PM
Now that I always have the option of killing myself, in that I know I can do it. It allows me to live my life for me.

As morbid as it sounds, I owe my life to death. It was only when I realized that unless I do something about this SOON, I was going to die without ever living one day as a female.

I just could NOT deal with that. That'd be just too tragic, my life would have been utterly pointless then. THIS is my challenge for this life, my fate, my destiny, and I'm going to pursue it to the end.

And being able to honestly say... not pouting, not being melodramatic or bitter or fishing for sympthy... but honestly know I'd end it all if I couldn't pull this off gave me the power to TRY. What do I have to lose?

Whenever I think, "I can't do this!" I remember my death is waiting for me someday, and I think of a scene in "V for Vendetta" when Evey is reborn...

V: Listen to me, Evey. This may be the most important moment of your life. Commit to it. They took your parents from you. They took your brother from you. They put you in a cell and took everything they could take except your life. And you believed that was all there was, didn't you? The only thing you had left was your life, but it wasn't, was it? You found something else. In that cell you found something that mattered more to you than life. It was when they threatened to kill you unless you gave them what they wanted... you told them you'd rather die. You faced your death, Evey. You were calm. You were still. Try to feel now what you felt then...

~Kate~

I was unsuccessful. I died for a bit, which was pretty peaceful.  I also used to be a cutter. You can still see the scars on my arm. Now, of course, I don't consider doing that or killing myself.

Quote from: Kate on July 16, 2007, 11:13:01 AM

Quote from: Elizabeth on July 15, 2007, 09:47:30 PM
Now that I always have the option of killing myself, in that I know I can do it. It allows me to live my life for me.

As morbid as it sounds, I owe my life to death. It was only when I realized that unless I do something about this SOON, I was going to die without ever living one day as a female.

I just could NOT deal with that. That'd be just too tragic, my life would have been utterly pointless then. THIS is my challenge for this life, my fate, my destiny, and I'm going to pursue it to the end.

And being able to honestly say... not pouting, not being melodramatic or bitter or fishing for sympthy... but honestly know I'd end it all if I couldn't pull this off gave me the power to TRY. What do I have to lose?

Yep I can totally relate to this, I remember being in my bedroom one day desperately trying to work out what choices I had. 

I worked out I had 3 options:
1) Live my life as a male      >  No, impossible!
2) Kill myself                     >  But why do this straight away when I could always do this in the end if nothing else worked...?!
3) Change                       >  Well, the rest is history :)

MVER XXX

  Not too much direct suicide but more adreneline junky life threatining situations. I`ve cut arteries, taken lots of pills, and od on H.
 
   I`m not too sure if this is suicidal but I paddle out to tiger country (sharks) then I throw chum to bring them up. when I see them i get off the board and dive with them. I know that I could be bit by accident but I really don`t want to go back to land. I want manu to take me. I feel like I`m living not dieing when I do this and if They never take me I will study why after school as an aquatic vet. Now thats living!

Angie,

Like I mentioned in another post, I've considered it many times. I will pretty much not have an open casket service, if anyone finds me that is. However, I making progress towards makins sure that does not happen.

Quote from: Christine Eryn on July 17, 2007, 12:36:58 AM
Like I mentioned in another post, I've considered it many times. I will pretty much not have an open casket service, if anyone finds me that is. However, I making progress towards makins sure that does not happen.

Good for you, Christine.  We don't need more casualties.

Take care of yourself.


Rebis

This topic seems to really be hot with us.  Unfortunately!

I am not proud of my past, but the answer is yes.  I've been there.  Several times.  And I've stood over the grave of a friend who "succeeded" and was so envious.  She had succeeded, when I realized that, in all honesty, I was probably too much of a chicken to do what I truly wanted to do.  Last year I had a serious illness which almost took my life and I was so angry that it wasn't just a tiny bit worse.  That's all it would have taken.   And I still fight the recurring thought that my family and friends would be a lot better off without me dragging them through this.  There is too much at stake for too many people.

  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Quote from: Kristi on July 17, 2007, 09:23:47 AM
This topic seems to really be hot with us.  Unfortunately!

I am not proud of my past, but the answer is yes.  I've been there.  Several times.  And I've stood over the grave of a friend who "succeeded" and was so envious.  She had succeeded, when I realized that, in all honesty, I was probably too much of a chicken to do what I truly wanted to do.  Last year I had a serious illness which almost took my life and I was so angry that it wasn't just a tiny bit worse.  That's all it would have taken.   And I still fight the recurring thought that my family and friends would be a lot better off without me dragging them through this.  There is too much at stake for too many people.

  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Listening to some profoundly beautiful Native American ambient music......cedar flute.......

drifting..............'envious'

so many times at the precipice.....the grass there is well worn by my feet.......

and they claim or want to believe that the desire to execute the action is indicative solely of an egregious cognitive, emotional or........character anomaly.........

not so.

the girl knows, she does......

and the criminal naivete of the professions relative to the realities of our....pain and its causation

is nothing short of appalling.

thats deep stuff, that music....

and then it is wondered why i possess such a jaundiced perception of these

"jaded to the extreme"

Unfortunately, suicide remains a key option for many people throughout the world. We all have the right to complain and get mired in our fears and our pain, but often when we compare ourselves to people in worse straits than ourselves, we back off and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem at that moment in time.

I have reached the conclusion that things are never as good as they seem, nor as bad as they seem in any given moment. That gives one some breathing room to contemplate things with a bit more rationality, a bit more perspective.

When I think of someone that leaves by their own hand, of their own free will, I wonder if they are disappointed at that place that they go to. I wonder if they are disappointed that they could not stay a little longer, just to see how things might have turned out differently if given a little more time. Time heals many things: wounds, relationships, and on and on.

My personal belief is that we agree to a given situation before we come here into these lives. My belief is that when someone leaves early, it means that perhaps they agreed to something that they could not deal with at that moment. And it gives me hope, that at some point they will try again and succeed. Not wanting to repeat a life lesson is what has kept me here many times. I know that I have left early in previous lives by my own will. In this life, so far, I choose not to.

I am saddened when someone leaves early, for them and myself. But I know they will be back.
And if I was in their life, I will see them again.  I will see them again.

QuoteMy personal belief is that we agree to a given situation before we come here into these lives. My belief is that when someone leaves early, it means that perhaps they agreed to something that they could not deal with at that moment. And it gives me hope, that at some point they will try again and succeed. Not wanting to repeat a life lesson is what has kept me here many times. I know that I have left early in previous lives by my own will. In this life, so far, I choose not to.

I am saddened when someone leaves early, for them and myself. But I know they will be back.
And if I was in their life, I will see them again.  I will see them again.

Thundra, that was beautiful.

Thank You,
Jessica

Quote from: Rebis on July 17, 2007, 08:43:00 AM

Quote from: Christine Eryn on July 17, 2007, 12:36:58 AM
Like I mentioned in another post, I've considered it many times. I will pretty much not have an open casket service, if anyone finds me that is. However, I making progress towards makins sure that does not happen.

Good for you, Christine.  We don't need more casualties.

Take care of yourself.


Rebis

Thanks. I figure, I've made it 30+ years, a few years more, and I might reach my goal. Yet, there's those times and situations where I say to myself, ya know, it's just not worth fighting anymore. But then again, I tell people to lift themselves up and there will be "another sunrise" when they need help or are depressed, I cannot be a hypocrite to myself.

For much of my life, from the time I was a small child, I wanted to die much more than I wanted to live.  My father committed suicide when I was nine years old, and my family in general was a disastrous maelstrom of abuse and dysfunction.  I was a cutter, too, and went through a period of drinking myself into unconsciousness to escape the pain, and various other self-destructive coping strategies. 

Once I had my children, though, no matter how much I wanted to die, I knew I could never do to them what my father had done to me, and that was what finally drove me into therapy, when my kids were about three and four and I was completely losing it.  If it had not been for my children and my long-suffering and very dedicated therapist (13+ years!) I would not be here now. 

I'm happy to say that for the last few years of my life--my kids are 21 and 22 now, and I'm 51--I am firmly anchored to earth and committed to life, happy to be here, and immensely grateful for the forces that conspired to keep me around until I started to want to stay, took root and started, finally, to grow and bloom.  I can say, with all my heart, I'm really glad I didn't ever do it.  I would have missed so much.

There was only a brief time once back when i was like 13 or 14 that I actually seriously entertained the idea!  actually I stood up on the icy/snowy balcony of a 5 story building and almost jumped but good thing I didnt!

More related to my gender dysphoria is my substance abuse!  A few years ago I was drinking to the point of blacking/passing out at least once a week, I was smoking between half a pack and a pack of cigarettes a day and between 1 and 5 grams of pot a day!  This was at the age of 20-22....now at that time I really truly believed that I'd be dead of an overdose (or cancer) by my mid 30s. 

So now, in my more-sober, cleaner state I see it as a slow form of suicide!

Just to share some thoughts.

xoxo
Kate (formerly Patty)

I've lost counts of the numbers of times that I've gotten everything ready. 

Yesterday was the most recent.  I decided that my fiancée and Owner would be better off without me, told my friend this so that she could let them know what had happened to me, and got everything ready.  I prepared to overfill the cat's food dish so that when my roommate got back, the cat wouldn't have eaten any of my body parts for food.

Then my fiancée came online. I think my friend called her.  We ended up on the phone for a few hours.  I'm here today.

I have done it once a few years back.... however people found out what I did and I was saved.........