Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Danielle Emmalee on March 09, 2014, 08:34:50 PM Return to Full Version

Title: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 09, 2014, 08:34:50 PM
So I'm just laying in bed crying.  I'm in so much pain emotionally.  I just don't care anymore, I just want to end it all.  I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my face.  What's the point of this life if it's either going to be people laughing at me or hating me or living a fake life to make people happy and leave me alone?  I can't get my life together to get a decent job because I'm depressed.  I can't fix my depression because of my anxiety issues stopping me from being able to talk to a doctor or therapist.  I also just don't have the motivation to try to make my life better because I'm afraid of failure and rejection.  Nobody is here to help me and it's my own fault because I can't talk to people.  I don't have friends.  My family doesn't have any clue that anything is wrong with me because I'm embarrassed and scared to let them know I'm so weak and such a failure.  I just don't care to live right now.  I guess I'm lucky there's nothing within reach to easily kill myself.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jessica Merriman on March 09, 2014, 08:42:30 PM
I am here if you want to PM anytime.  :icon_hug: You are eventually going to have to open up to someone and I would gladly help however I can. Maybe if you could learn to trust someone here (even if not me) that would allow you to start building a sense of esteem and worth that could carry over into the real world. You do have value and can rise from this situation stronger in the end. I really believe this. :)
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 09, 2014, 08:44:54 PM
I have no problem talking to people online.  I guess it just doesn't help me.  I think I need to just give up.  What's the point in trying so hard if it's not even going to be worth it in the end.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Nero on March 09, 2014, 08:51:43 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:44:54 PM
I have no problem talking to people online.  I guess it just doesn't help me.  I think I need to just give up.  What's the point in trying so hard if it's not even going to be worth it in the end.

How do you know it won't?
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 09, 2014, 08:52:50 PM
Because I'll always be ugly.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jessica Merriman on March 09, 2014, 08:57:45 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:44:54 PM
  What's the point in trying so hard if it's not even going to be worth it in the end.
It is so worth it Caysee! I am living a life now I could never have imagined. After coming out, going to Therapy and starting HRT I am a whole new person with a freedom I have never felt. I see things from a new perspective every day now. Colors are brighter and more vivid, music makes me move and get emotional, foods taste different and new and I feel alive, not just robotic and depressed all the time. The end is SO worth it. If I had ended my life I would have never known the happiness I could have had. It is amazing to be reborn as the right person! I know I will probably never get you to see this, but it is true. Please trust those of us further down the road to transition. It can and will do wonders for you. I cant even remember the last few years of my life because I was a depressed, robotic and emotionless Borg. Now I remember every detail of every day. I never watched a sunrise or sunset before, now they almost bring me to tears.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jayne on March 09, 2014, 09:46:01 PM
My mum told me few years ago that I shouldn't transition as I would be an ugly woman, the first thought that entered my head was "it's never stopped you being happy" but the words that came out of my mouth were "i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

Maybe you just need a change of perspective?

If you need to talk then pm me
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 09, 2014, 09:52:57 PM
Quote from: Jayne on March 09, 2014, 09:46:01 PM
"i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

Why?
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Lizzie on March 09, 2014, 11:55:53 PM
I feel where your going coming from. Pretty much exactly the same as you. I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but I barely do that for myself. Just don't give up. I'll be your friend, at least we can each have one.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: justjournalhonestly on March 10, 2014, 05:59:46 AM
Quote from: Jayne on March 09, 2014, 09:46:01 PM
"i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

I have used this quote recently myself, as I am tired of asking out of this male body. I stopped praying for it once I accepted why I was and began to work on connecting to my feelings as well as attempting to lose weight and work towards becoming physically congruent with what my spirit and mind seem to have always expected.

Don't get me wrong, as I like many people love pretty things, thus would like to be pretty myself. However, physically pretty is just one of the many forms of pretty that make us up. Even though I have even pulled off pretty as a male, it always just made me feel slightly better as I knew that I was not right and being told I was pretty just reminded me of that so I had not fully appreciated the compliment. Thus the reason I feel the willingness to adhere to that quote. That and that I am transitioning for me, and not for the world to judge how pretty or ugly I am. Though I will take their compliments if I am able.  ;)

We all really need to ask ourselves if we can accept this approach, as it is a good litmus test about if transition is right for us. As again, not everyone chooses to transition and this is just one of those situations where I can see waiting if not just taking time to work on yourself, mind most importantly. I would start with asking yourself, "is this pain and depression worth living with due to my anxiety of bringing this to a therapist?" I already know the answer is that no it is not worth it, and you will soon be talking to a therapist.

As a matter of fact, you can start with the therapist simply by stating you have depression and soon after you will be able to share the source. Because you know the source I would say you may want to choose a therapist who has gender issue experience, but it is not a must at this stage. However, do get into see one as it is extremely helpful even to those not suffering as much as you are sweetie.

Now go love yourself just a little by being brave (remember the bravest are those who overcome their fear, not those foolish enough to not have fear) and overcoming your fear. Wait on the family thing if it is that distressing, as you really should be better prepared before coming out to them anyways.

By the way, your honesty here with this post, is a sign of bravery you probably did not realize you had already. So you're able to, even if you start off with a therapist about the depression.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Nero on March 10, 2014, 07:37:03 AM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:52:50 PM
Because I'll always be ugly.

Aww sweetie, first of all you're not ugly. And I don't know how long you've been on HRT, but it just takes time. Don't get discouraged.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Ltl89 on March 10, 2014, 07:57:07 AM
Caysee,

I just wanted to let you know that I am always here to talk if you need someone.  I may not have the answers or have any words of wisdom, but I'm always willing to lend an ear and often have the same concerns myself.  Please hang in there. 
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 09:43:07 AM
Quote from: FA on March 10, 2014, 07:37:03 AM
Aww sweetie, first of all you're not ugly. And I don't know how long you've been on HRT, but it just takes time. Don't get discouraged.

Not on HRT.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Nero on March 10, 2014, 09:46:20 AM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 09:43:07 AM
Quote from: FA on March 10, 2014, 07:37:03 AM
Aww sweetie, first of all you're not ugly. And I don't know how long you've been on HRT, but it just takes time. Don't get discouraged.

Not on HRT.

Oh, well what's going on hon? I'm not sure how you identify, but is this feeling ugly thing about passing issues?
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 09:51:51 AM
Yeah.  And it's stuff that HRT isn't going to fix.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: suzifrommd on March 10, 2014, 09:57:39 AM
Your life has value. I promise you. It may not feel like that now, but you are a beautiful, unique person who makes the world a better place.

If you need to end your life, the option will always be there. But that's such a final and preemptive solution, isn't it? It keeps you from ever trying anything else.

Before you go that way, would you consider trying one of these:

* Send a message to your closest relative, the one who cares the most about you. Say "I'm feeling suicidal and I don't know what to do. I've been too embarrassed to get help. Please help me. I need help but I don't know how to get it." You don't know whether they will know how to help you, but if you don't reach out, they certainly won't, right?
* Look up a therapist or counselor. Of course you want the best, but when you're hurting, you can't always get information of that sort. So call SOMEONE. Tell them "I am feeling suicidal. I need an appointment." Let them take it from there.
* As a last resort, go to an emergency room. Tell them you are suicidal and you need help right away.

I won't lie. None of these things are guaranteed to help. But they are ALL better than remaining in pain or depriving the world of your specialness. The option to check out will always be there. But your life is more than worth making an effort to get yourself help.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 10:01:54 AM
If I could ask for help I wouldn't feel so suicidal.  Kind of ironic, huh?
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jessica Merriman on March 10, 2014, 10:04:55 AM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 09:51:51 AM
it's stuff that HRT isn't going to fix.
<----Really? If I showed you a before picture you would swear it was not me.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jamie D on March 10, 2014, 10:06:26 AM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:52:50 PM
Because I'll always be ugly.

You are not ugly.  Try being twice your age and twice your weight, like I am.  That's ugly.

Get off your ass, make the call, and set up a therapy appointment.  I don't know if Canada has "urgent care," but mention you are suicidal.

Do it now.  You have had some terrific trauma in the last year or two.  Don't make it worse.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: ErinWDK on March 10, 2014, 10:14:42 AM
Quote from: Jamie D on March 10, 2014, 10:06:26 AM
You are not ugly.  Try being twice your age and twice your weight, like I am.  That's ugly.

Get off your ass, make the call, and set up a therapy appointment.  I don't know if Canada has "urgent care," but mention you are suicidal.

Do it now.  You have had some terrific trauma in the last year or two.  Don't make it worse.

This!  My therapist will MAKE time to see someone who needs help as much as you.  And this is from someone even older and heavier than Jaime D claims to be.

Make the call!
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jamie D on March 10, 2014, 10:26:42 AM
Quote from: ErinWDK on March 10, 2014, 10:14:42 AM
This!  My therapist will MAKE time to see someone who needs help as much as you.  And this is from someone even older and heavier than Jaime D claims to be.

Make the call!

Good advice, and thank you for the inadvertent chortle.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: ErinWDK on March 10, 2014, 10:31:39 AM
Quote from: Jamie D on March 10, 2014, 10:26:42 AM
Good advice, and thank you for the inadvertent chortle.

Sorry for misspelling you name.  I never did claim to know how to spell...
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 02:07:19 PM
Thanks.  I know you're trying to help but I just get so anxious when I even think of talking to anyone about my problems except online.  Once I'm a bit more financially stable I'm going to give online therapy a try.  I'm sure it's better than nothing.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Heather on March 10, 2014, 02:14:31 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 02:07:19 PM
Thanks.  I know you're trying to help but I just get so anxious when I even think of talking to anyone about my problems except online.  Once I'm a bit more financially stable I'm going to give online therapy a try.  I'm sure it's better than nothing.
Eventually your going to have to face your fears in the real world Caysee if you want to truly be yourself. I know it's hard I was once where you were at but I had to face my fears to become the person I was always meant to be.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jessica Merriman on March 10, 2014, 02:36:01 PM
Quote from: Heather on March 10, 2014, 02:14:31 PM
Eventually your going to have to face your fears in the real world Caysee if you want to truly be yourself.
So, so true!

All of us have been to this point. You will not succeed or feel better until you face yourself and then the world. On-line Therapy is great for paying a LOT of money for an HRT letter, but nothing will ever beat a face to face session. There is more than talk that goes on in session. Body movements in response to questions, mannerism's, facial expressions and many other things are studied. The thing that attracted me to real life Therapy is you can build trust which leads to breakthrough's, On-line is usually not as it is sometimes cold and impersonal. Also the temptation to disconnect in topics one is uncomfortable facing is always there. In real life you have to face your fears. I hate the fact you keep saying it won't work when describing Therapy and HRT before you even try it. What have you got to lose, you are already miserable so you cant feel any worse. Try before you give up, OK? :)
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jayne on March 10, 2014, 04:04:13 PM
Quote from: Jayne on March 09, 2014, 09:46:01 PM
"i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"


You asked why I said this so i'll try to clarify, i've spent most of my life battling the depression demon, every time someone called me he/him/sir it felt like a knife twisting in my soul.
2 yrs before I came out I gave up smoking the weed that i'd used for almost 20yrs to drown out how I felt, I knew that I had to resolve my gender issues & to do that I had to have a clear head not effected by the drugs.

Once my head was clear the feeling that I needed to be true to my inner female grew & grew until all I could think about was that I couldn't face the rest of my life as a man. Due to growing up with a very homophobic/transphobic father I spent a long time thinking that it would be better to put an end to my life rather than transition.
I laid plans for ending my life & after several nights of staring at the large amount of pills & vodka that I had planned to take I had a personal revelation that if I was determined to end my life then I truly had nothing to lose by transitioning.
It took almost 3yrs to get HRT on the NHS but the day after I started HRT I knew I had made the right decision, A few days after starting HRT I noticed that I smelled different & it no longer repulsed me when I woke up in the morning to the point where I would dive straight into a bath to rid myself of the male stench.
Over the last 6 months on HRT I have noticed many things that confirm this is the right path for me both physicaly & mentaly, I still have a long way to go in my transition but I am now at peace with who & what I am.

I had spent over 30yrs of my life living in misery because I was living the life other people expected me to live whilst they lived their life however they wanted.
If once i've finished my transition & people judge me to be an ugly woman then who cares? At least i'll be a living breathing woman instead of being a male corpse rotting in a grave somewhere.
Once i've been on HRT for a few years I plan to have FFS so who can say how i'll look in years to come?

I hope this clears up why I said that, perhaps it would have been clearer if I changed that phrase to "I'd rather live as an ugly woman than kill myself as a man" but those aren't the words I used several years ago.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Rachel on March 10, 2014, 05:08:24 PM
 Caysee, Hugs

15 months ago I was at zero. I did an intake and started my journey.

I use to be extremely introverted, shy and in despair. I have a lot of baggage from my past including guilt, fear and self hate.

There is a reason it is called a journey. I have had a lot of setbacks but I persist. I stated with small steps and keep going.

I have been on HRT 9 months and I look in the mirror and see some change.  I look younger and there are changes but not huge. I am 51. I will never be a beauty externally but I can tell you I feel so good on the inside. I will say, I am getting cute and I am getting attention though.

I put my marriage, child and career on the line because the other option they would have lost me without the opportunity to support me. I took a chance, survived the upheaval and am changing every so slowly into me.

Give yourself the chance. Look inside and make an appointment with a therapist. Hugs.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: suzifrommd on March 10, 2014, 06:01:08 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 02:07:19 PM
Thanks.  I know you're trying to help but I just get so anxious when I even think of talking to anyone about my problems except online.  Once I'm a bit more financially stable I'm going to give online therapy a try.  I'm sure it's better than nothing.

Which is worse, being anxious or being miserable with no hope in sight?

There is help available in most places adjusted for ability to pay.

Please don't get in the "I'll get help when..." trap. It's a way for the frightened part of you to keep you from getting help at all.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 07:27:10 PM
It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I'm being criticized here for not helping myself.  I'm sure you all have fears and anxiety about stuff in life and it's probably worse than the average person, but I honestly feel like my anxiety goes beyond what most other people really have the ability to understand what it's like.  Everyone I've talked to about my anxiety says they understand and they have anxiety as well but when I elaborate on how bad it is for me, they're always surprised and can't relate.  I know there's nothing you guys here can do besides tell me to get over my fears but honestly if it were that easy I would have done it by now.  I honestly think online therapy is the best I can do for now.  I rarely feel anxiety in online interactions but right now this thread is really bothering me and making me feel like I'm a bad person or something because I won't just get over my fears and see a therapist.  I don't know how you are all viewing me, but I feel like I'm worthless or being looked down on.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jessica Merriman on March 10, 2014, 07:34:03 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 07:27:10 PM
It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I'm being criticized here for not helping myself.  I'm sure you all have fears and anxiety about stuff in life and it's probably worse than the average person, but I honestly feel like my anxiety goes beyond what most other people really have the ability to understand what it's like.  Everyone I've talked to about my anxiety says they understand and they have anxiety as well but when I elaborate on how bad it is for me, they're always surprised and can't relate.  I know there's nothing you guys here can do besides tell me to get over my fears but honestly if it were that easy I would have done it by now.  I honestly think online therapy is the best I can do for now.  I rarely feel anxiety in online interactions but right now this thread is really bothering me and making me feel like I'm a bad person or something because I won't just get over my fears and see a therapist.  I don't know how you are all viewing me, but I feel like I'm worthless or being looked down on.
Really? I have seen nothing but support and people letting you view their stories which may bring up pain in their own ways by retelling it. I tried to be helpful and supportive, but I am not going to beg. I hope it all works out for you in the future. :(
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 07:36:58 PM
And now I'm being criticized for explaining how I feel honestly.  Great.  Sorry I bothered you.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 07:45:52 PM
I guess I just don't know how to be a normal member of society.  Everyone always gets mad at me for sharing how I feel about anything.  I should just shutup I guess.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 10, 2014, 07:50:25 PM
I obviously have a problem with interpreting intentions of other people.  Probably why I can't make friends and why my marriage is ->-bleeped-<-.  Don't know why anyone even bothers pretending to care if I die.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jessica Merriman on March 10, 2014, 07:56:15 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 07:45:52 PM
I guess I just don't know how to be a normal member of society.  Everyone always gets mad at me for sharing how I feel about anything.  I should just shutup I guess.
No one here want's that at all. This is a support family and we do care. You have been given very good caring advice, but you just don't seem to be accepting it. We have all been where you are at and understand the anger and confusion. When you felt bad we responded as best we could. The next move is totally up to you alone. This issue will not go away or be pushed to the back of your mind, it has to be dealt with. We all took that very long walk into the Therapist office and told our deepest secret. We also know how good it felt to get it off our chest and start to live. As for me, when I presented way ahead of schedule I never looked back once as it was so liberating. The fact is you will never, ever feel any better until you take that long walk as well. Afterwards you will be kicking yourself for not doing it earlier, I did. It is not pleasant, but it is the only way to deal with Dysphoria. They have a treatment for it, but you will have to ask for it yourself. We cant do it for you. :)
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Keira on March 10, 2014, 07:58:24 PM
Caysee I can totally relate to your anxiety. It took me a couple months to work up the courage to see a therapist...it was not easy...I was full of anxiety and had a mind brimming with terrible possibilities like "what if the therapist says I'm not trans?".

In hindsight I wasted months worrying over something that wasn't even an issue. I did my two sessions and got diagnosed with gender dysphoria...no issues whatsoever, it was all in my head and not reality.

Please don't waste time, time is a non refundable currency and I greatly regret postponing starting HRT by 6 months. Especially don't waste time when you feel that transitioning is life or death.

The key is finding a therapist that deals specifically with trans people and fully understands our struggles. If they are nice and affordable stick with them...my therapist was expensive but worth it, unfortunately I can't go to her on a regular basis because I can't afford it financially.

If you need to talk PM me, because I very much understand what you are going through.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Devlyn on March 10, 2014, 08:02:06 PM
Caysee, people have been depressed and anxious as long as there have been people. Therapy and therapists have been around for approximately one hundred years. It's not the do-all answer that so many offer it as, and for those who have found it helpful, great. Just know that a worldful of people made it before you, and before therapists.

If you want a friend, just be a friend. Now come on home.

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Rachel on March 10, 2014, 08:18:01 PM
Caysee, hugs

Please do not take my sharing and support for criticism. We have all been in a difficult set of conditions. We sometimes jump to the conclusion without spending time in the middle. Our stories are all similar with our own unique variations. Sometimes I forget the first step is the most important and the most difficult.

Last week I went to the incorrect office location of my therapist. I went on a Tuesday and I was at the Wednesday location.  We did the session over the phone and it was easier. I was able to say what I want and to explicit detail. I told her what she asked me a while ago but always gave scant detail. So I think on-line therapy is good and can provide very good support.  At my 53rd week of therapy I switched therapists (not my choice, she was taking a year to do something else) and as others said it would be a good thing for me. I know I feel that time is compressed and I am anxious. So different therapists have different tempos and a connection feel.

Hope this helps, hugs



Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Nero on March 10, 2014, 08:36:25 PM
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 07:27:10 PM
It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I'm being criticized here for not helping myself.  I'm sure you all have fears and anxiety about stuff in life and it's probably worse than the average person, but I honestly feel like my anxiety goes beyond what most other people really have the ability to understand what it's like.  Everyone I've talked to about my anxiety says they understand and they have anxiety as well but when I elaborate on how bad it is for me, they're always surprised and can't relate.  I know there's nothing you guys here can do besides tell me to get over my fears but honestly if it were that easy I would have done it by now.  I honestly think online therapy is the best I can do for now.  I rarely feel anxiety in online interactions but right now this thread is really bothering me and making me feel like I'm a bad person or something because I won't just get over my fears and see a therapist.  I don't know how you are all viewing me, but I feel like I'm worthless or being looked down on.

I understand. I just drove 4 hours to see my PCP. I had to take a drink before I went in. That's how bad my anxiety is. It's hard. Seeing doctors and therapists is hard. It's ok. I fully understand. Nobody is looking down on you. We're concerned, that's all. We don't know how to help, but we want to. Dysphoria sucks. Depression sucks. We've all been through it and we're here.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Jayne on March 10, 2014, 08:50:51 PM
I just want to say that I am in no way judging you or looking down on you.
I simply posted some of my experiences in the hope that you could draw strength from seeing that you are not alone in this.

It took until I was 35 to have the courage to come out, up until then I swung between being depressed about my gender identity & terrified that one day I would blurt out that I was trans.
I can't begin to count the amount of times I felt the words hammering away at my clenched teeth trying to batter their way out.

It doesn't matter how long you take to deal with your situation as long as you find a way to keep living, it's your life & your right to seek happiness
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Nero on March 10, 2014, 09:01:22 PM
Caysee, I know you and I haven't always agreed on things. But right now, that doesn't matter. You are safe here and people care about you here, including me. Nobody is judging you. We just want you to be okay. You are free to talk and let it out and no one is judging you. We've all dealt with this dysphoria thing and this depression thing. It's ok sweetie. We all care about you and just want to help. Let it out. Say anything you want. I guarantee we've heard it all before (and if we haven't, that's ok, we'll deal with it). The important thing is you now.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: amZo on March 10, 2014, 09:33:17 PM
When I get down about whether I'll ever look the part. I think of the women of my past who I admire most. My Grandmother, certain teachers, a school counselor that did so much for me, etc. Not one of these women were what most would consider pretty, a few would probably be considered ugly (physically that is), I don't know but I just never gave it much thought. These women are my ideal view of what it means to be a woman.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: randomdude5 on March 11, 2014, 02:48:36 AM
First of all, I just want to say I am always very bluntly honest, and honestly would not give a second thought to calling someone ugly if I thought they were, and they had asked me.

#1. You are definitely not ugly, at least in my opinion. I'm 100% sure many others share the same opinion. :)

#2. A temporary problem does not deserve a permanent solution, such as suicide.

I won't say I understand you 100%, because the truth is, I don't. And neither does anyone else. The only person who can 100% understand you, is yourself, and sometimes even understanding ourselves is so hard, we can't really expect others to understand us fully. What I will say though, is that while at times you might feel so alone, and like there is no way anything could be any worse than it currently is... I can tell you, I am 100% sure, even though you might not have realised it yet, that you have affected so many peoples' lives in a positive way, and I know many people would miss you if you were to do something so drastic as ending it.

I am sure 99% of us here have gone through tough times. Some will of course have had a bit of a worse time than others, but we all try our best to understand and give advice based on what we know and have experienced.

I too, contemplated suicide once when I was younger. There was this girl working at a fast food place near my house and my mum seemed to have the idea that this woman was for sure trans. Once we had stopped through the drive through on our way back home and when we got home my mum started telling my dad stuff like, "Oh, you know that girl in the drive through at (name)? I'm sure she's a transsexual, you can tell by the way she acts overtly feminine and when she gives you change and touches your hand she does it like...." and reenacted the way she was describing that she did it, and I don't know if she did it on purpose, but my mum seemed very transphobic the way she reenacted the gesture and how she said it all.

After that I was sort of terrified to come out to my parents. I thought of killing myself with a sword we keep in our house. (Don't ask.) I thought the world hated me, I had no friends, I felt like no one cared. My main motivation to do it was picturing myself dead on the floor and them coming back home finding me there and regretting everything they had done to me that offended me. I thought everyone would be sorry for what they had said or done to me. Then I thought what would be the point, since I wouldn't be there to get the apologies? Clearly, I was a mess, I wanted to kill myself to teach others a lesson in a way... To make their lives miserable for what they had done to me.

But I hung on, and eventually my parents forced me to see a therapist (albeit a horrible one) because they thought I was depressed. (No kidding.)

I really didn't want to go but I was forced to, I ended up coming out during a therapy session since my mum was in the room. It took me much longer to come out to my dad since he is super religious, but ever since I did, my life has been such an uphill. That first therapist I went to see, even if they sucked, gave me the open window. When I look back now, I think about how things could have gone on if I hadn't gone to that first therapist. Not saying you need to see a therapist right away. Even in therapy, I find one of the things that is stressed is that you do stuff at your own pace. You need to be comfortable with it.

I used to be the shy person with no friends that no one really liked. I still have no friends, not going to lie about that. I stopped talking to all my friends because I thought they would not be accepting. I didn't even take the chance. I somewhat regret it, but I managed to reconnect with 1 of my old friends but the most we really do is text. (And rarely at that...)

I still have no friends, but at least now, since I started transition, I feel so much better. I don't care nearly as much anymore about not having friends, I do my own stuff, look forward to a new future, and all the stuff I can do.

Happiness is out there. It may be far away, or at least seem far away, but it IS there, and everyone has the capability of reaching it, you just have to keep moving forward.
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: 930310 on March 11, 2014, 03:43:08 AM
I've been exactly where you are several times. The thing that has worked for me is to find something else you can focus on and not letting your thoughts crossing in to the pattern that you mention. For me when I hated myself at most in winter 2012/spring 2013 the thing that did it for me was playing chess. Even if I haven't played chess in over 6 months now, it was very helpful to do it for a couple of hours everyday then.
Also: You are not ugly nor will you ever be!
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Ltl89 on March 11, 2014, 09:31:36 AM
Caysee,

There is no judgement on my part.  To be honest with you, I don't have the answers as I struggle with a lot of these things myself.  Since I don't have the answers, I can only offer suggestions.  The online therapy sounds like a great way to open up and may do alot of good for you.  I hope it works.

Lastly, I just want to say that you are always welcome to reach out.  I know some people just say things and you have reason to be skeptical, but I'm be as honest as I can.  Just know if you need a friend to listen and talk to I am here.  I don't have any answers or solutions and yes I have my limitations, but I am here, in my own digital way, to talk to should you ever need me.  And I know we have only interacted on this site and don't know each other irl, but I've learned to care for many here.  You are one of them and I've followed your progress since you started.  In my eyes, we are a little online family.  I would be sad if I heard you did something to yourself.  Please hang in there. 
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Danielle Emmalee on March 11, 2014, 10:39:50 AM
Thanks everyone. 
Title: Re: I don't know what to do
Post by: Taka on March 13, 2014, 05:30:56 AM
where did my cutie alice go...

it's ok to be depressed for a while. it's ok to be afraid. i'm sorry for disappearing on you.
but it's not ok to lock away that little girl who just wants to get out and explore the world.

don't use your problems as an excuse, just do what it takes to get rid of them. one by one. until all that is left is you and your future self.
work together to create your future happiness.

you're way too young to give up yet.

though it's not like i don't understand how difficult it can be.
i also never saw a therapist when i really needed it. too anxious to make that call, too depressed to see the point in trying to defy my broken logic.