Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Last night me and father was working on house and it just felt right .So it went like (dad can we talk about lifes gray area ) .His response was ok .Hes 72 and i am 50 so theres lot of great times and memories and even at my age i feel the pressure of having your dads approval .Of all the stuff like doctors / wife /kids and other close family seem like a walk in park compared to my coming out to my dad ... But all my fears started melt away as hes made solid eye contact and said( tell me about this gray) .His head did not start spinning around ,freak out ,he just listen and took it all in and ask few questions .My father was not taken back he handled with grace that i never seen before . To hear your dad say i love you son and i always will  ! I know the odds are not in our favor that our male role model would react like this . I know i am lucky to have dad thats open and understanding to my coming changes . Now my relationship with dad as i go threw my journey will be as grand as journey it self becoming women .. Still as good as it sounds, i hope i can be just as great daughter to my dad as i think ive been as a son .. Love to hear how your coming out to you dad/father/male role model .. went . Thanks for your time gals ...aka sara   

Mine met me with anger at first, but became a begrudging acceptance after a while. My Dad is close to the age yours is in and both He and my Mothers health is getting bad. I think that is what helped them to accept me. They don't want there to be any anger or hatred as they approach their final few years here. I think when people see their own mortality it changes the game of life and old intolerance fades a bit. They now both accept my decision and are glad to have a happy, well adjusted daughter instead of an angry, depressed and isolated son. They see the happiness and zest for life I have now which has never existed before now and they smile. :)

My dad had been a long time LGBT advocate and was proud to have a gay son by the time I came out as trans. He's also a social worker who works with homeless people with AIDS so he was already super-familiar with LGBT issues. He instantly accepted me and has staunchly defended me from anyone who dares say anything negative about me (everyone in my family does this by the way, even my grandparents, who always correct family friends who refer to me by my old name and gender).

He even grew his hair and wore a headband to work for months so he could feel what it's like to be trans, and also as a gesture of solidarity towards me. He waited until after I transitioned to cry on my shoulder about losing his first-born son, even though he's happy that he now has a wonderful daughter.

Our relationship isn't perfect. He's bossy and has said things like, "You're a woman now. You really shouldn't be so argumentative." He thinks I'm too independent and I should be more stereotypically female, because he's worried that I'll end up alone since I don't compromise enough. But he means well.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

My dad was accepting too

He only told me that Im gonna need strenght to do something like this, now I kinda understand :P

Quote from: fusstangtroy on March 13, 2014, 06:28:20 PM
Last night me and father was working on house and it just felt right .So it went like (dad can we talk about lifes gray area ) .His response was ok .Hes 72 and i am 50 so theres lot of great times and memories and even at my age i feel the pressure of having your dads approval .Of all the stuff like doctors / wife /kids and other close family seem like a walk in park compared to my coming out to my dad ... But all my fears started melt away as hes made solid eye contact and said( tell me about this gray) .His head did not start spinning around ,freak out ,he just listen and took it all in and ask few questions .My father was not taken back he handled with grace that i never seen before . To hear your dad say i love you son and i always will  ! I know the odds are not in our favor that our male role model would react like this . I know i am lucky to have dad thats open and understanding to my coming changes . Now my relationship with dad as i go threw my journey will be as grand as journey it self becoming women .. Still as good as it sounds, i hope i can be just as great daughter to my dad as i think ive been as a son .. Love to hear how your coming out to you dad/father/male role model .. went . Thanks for your time gals ...aka sara   

Very nice and inspirational message, so glad you shared this.  :)

I have a complicated relationship with my father.  In some ways, I want to tell him because he is my father and I love him.  In other ways, I don't know.  In any event, he knows I'm on hormones, so I'd imagine he can put everything together.  Maybe that's why we almost never talk nowadays.   

My sister helped pave the way with my Dad. She primed him about my gender in a vague sort of way. Then I walked into his house, he looked me over, a once up and down, and was kinda silent. I assumed he was-Furious, disgusted, or in shock. A few hours later, sitting at his kitchen table (a very long few hours), He said 'I see you've made some changes, I can't say I understand, but I know you're smart enough to know what is best for you. It may take some time to call you your new name, or just get used to having a daughter, but be sure you are always welcome, and you are same part of the family you always were.'
We've chatted a few times about gender, and transition, but he seems to not really care about the details. He does however, make me feel welcome, and loved as he always has.
I cannot speak for every parent, as I've read some horror stories, but approach coming out to parents with the mindset that their love is unconditional.

It has to be done no matter the outcome or you will be trapped for your entire life.

I could give you my life story however it's better to just say that you have no choice if you are to ever have a normal life. I'm sure any father would want their child to have the best life they can have is the bottom line.

Good luck GF's. It's not easy.

Well, I never told my parents, what right do they have to know?

I think it is great that some people have supportive families, and a tragedy that many do not. As for me, my view is reaching out to my parents to tell them anything would be in a round about way supporting them, and that is just not something I am prepared to do. Perhaps this is the easier path though, as it means I don't really have to worry whatever their opinions may be.

Quote from: Hikari on March 15, 2014, 10:21:15 AM
Well, I never told my parents, what right do they have to know?

I think it is great that some people have supportive families, and a tragedy that many do not. As for me, my view is reaching out to my parents to tell them anything would be in a round about way supporting them, and that is just not something I am prepared to do. Perhaps this is the easier path though, as it means I don't really have to worry whatever their opinions may be.

I don't think it is more of a right to know, as more of they want them to know. A part of me use to say well "my parents" don't need to know and it lead me to deny that I was transgender - that It was just some odd desire to be female. Now after turning 30 I look back and wonder why I hid it and really struggling with coming out. Because I want my family to know who I really I am and why I spent so many nights on the computer, not dating not interested in a relationship....ect

Quote from: Aina on March 15, 2014, 10:34:01 AM
I don't think it is more of a right to know, as more of they want them to know. A part of me use to say well "my parents" don't need to know and it lead me to deny that I was transgender - that It was just some odd desire to be female. Now after turning 30 I look back and wonder why I hid it and really struggling with coming out. Because I want my family to know who I really I am and why I spent so many nights on the computer, not dating not interested in a relationship....ect

Fair enough, perhaps I need to understand the relationship most people have with their parents better. I guess it is something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around. If it makes life easier then it seems like a very good thing to tell them.

That's a really positive result and I wish coming out to my dad would be like that!

Coming out to my dad will be the tough. We don't have a particularly close relationship and we don't really have much in common, but I know I'll have to tell him at some point. It will probably be once my physical changes kick in and he starts to notice. Then there will be fireworks, just hope he doesn't have a heart attack!

I forget who said it, but as long as the response isn't "I'm never going to talk to you again," there's usually room for acceptance with enough time and enough unwavering conviction.

My dad was kind of in the denial camp for quite a while. He kept trying to convince me that I wasn't really a girl, trying to convince me that the serious improvement in happiness and self-esteem wasn't from the hormones or transition, it was from my recent weight loss. He tried to convince me that what I was feeling was just fetishistic, and should not be followed through with in real life, since he apparently enjoys thoughts of being female as an occasional sexual fantasy. And when we had an actual face-to-face talk about it, he seemed really appalled at the thought that I was taking estrogen and testosterone-blockers.

Ultimately, I knew it was just because he was having a hard time accepting it, because he always seemed to take a great deal of pride in introducing me to people as "this is my boy!" And through my entire childhood he had always attempted (quite often unsuccessfully) to get me to like the things that he used to like as a kid.

But now, a year after my original coming-out, having now also come out publicly on Facebook, changing my gender marker and profile picture to a female one, and having completely unwavered in my conviction that what I was doing was right for me, he has come around on the matter. No, he still hasn't completely accepted it, but many of his friends from the community that he lives at have come on Facebook saying that he told them what's going on, and they wanted to offer their support. So he has actually reached the point where he seems to be okay with talking about it to other people at least, which means kind of a begrudging acceptance.

I don't know if I'll ever get full acceptance, but this is close enough.

At least my mom is behind me 100%. Hell, she's actually glad that I'm doing it, because of how much more open and communicative I am.

I talk about this with my therapist quite often.  It's not like I don't want my father to know.  In many ways I do because I love him.  But our relationship is so complex and awkward in my eyes that it makes this conversation all the more harder.  We rarely talk and it's not the easiest thing to spring up during our rare talks on the phone.  I don't know.  I wish I could open up more about this, but this is a raw topic for me in many ways.

Quote from: alenauk on March 15, 2014, 11:15:34 AM
That's a really positive result and I wish coming out to my dad would be like that!

Coming out to my dad will be the tough. We don't have a particularly close relationship and we don't really have much in common, but I know I'll have to tell him at some point. It will probably be once my physical changes kick in and he starts to notice. Then there will be fireworks, just hope he doesn't have a heart attack!

I know i was lucky gal with my dad .trying to make a connection on somethink you have in common with your father and maybe it will help with the hard stuff . good or bad you have to love your self because your number 1 .Thanks for your post ..aka sara

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 13, 2014, 06:34:25 PM
Mine met me with anger at first, but became a begrudging acceptance after a while. My Dad is close to the age yours is in and both He and my Mothers health is getting bad. I think that is what helped them to accept me. They don't want there to be any anger or hatred as they approach their final few years here. I think when people see their own mortality it changes the game of life and old intolerance fades a bit. They now both accept my decision and are glad to have a happy, well adjusted daughter instead of an angry, depressed and isolated son. They see the happiness and zest for life I have now which has never existed before now and they smile. :)

I am happy how your relationship turned out .. no matter how old we are we need our mom and dads to love us ( theres young girl in me just needs hug sometimes ) aka sara

Quote from: Nikko on March 13, 2014, 07:27:26 PM
Very nice and inspirational message, so glad you shared this.  :)

Thanks alot .nice to know others out care . aka sara

It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling reading your story Sara! My dad isn't the type to say the word love, I think only the bravest dad's ever say love to their children.

Alena X

Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 15, 2014, 11:28:56 AM
I forget who said it, but as long as the response isn't "I'm never going to talk to you again," there's usually room for acceptance with enough time and enough unwavering conviction.

My dad was kind of in the denial camp for quite a while. He kept trying to convince me that I wasn't really a girl, trying to convince me that the serious improvement in happiness and self-esteem wasn't from the hormones or transition, it was from my recent weight loss. He tried to convince me that what I was feeling was just fetishistic, and should not be followed through with in real life, since he apparently enjoys thoughts of being female as an occasional sexual fantasy. And when we had an actual face-to-face talk about it, he seemed really appalled at the thought that I was taking estrogen and testosterone-blockers.

Ultimately, I knew it was just because he was having a hard time accepting it, because he always seemed to take a great deal of pride in introducing me to people as "this is my boy!" And through my entire childhood he had always attempted (quite often unsuccessfully) to get me to like the things that he used to like as a kid.

But now, a year after my original coming-out, having now also come out publicly on Facebook, changing my gender marker and profile picture to a female one, and having completely unwavered in my conviction that what I was doing was right for me, he has come around on the matter. No, he still hasn't completely accepted it, but many of his friends from the community that he lives at have come on Facebook saying that he told them what's going on, and they wanted to offer their support. So he has actually reached the point where he seems to be okay with talking about it to other people at least, which means kind of a begrudging acceptance.

I don't know if I'll ever get full acceptance, but this is close enough.

At least my mom is behind me 100%. Hell, she's actually glad that I'm doing it, because of how much more open and communicative I am.

Thanks for sharing your story .In the end we girls have to be happy with what we have become .even if the best i can be is 65% of cis i will skip and sing happy tunes .... aka sara

Quote from: alenauk on March 15, 2014, 01:22:52 PM
It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling reading your story Sara! My dad isn't the type to say the word love, I think only the bravest dad's ever say love to their children.

Alena X

Thanks for your heart warming words . He will but it might not sound like what female would say ..mans heart has lot muscle around it be patience . I have seen my dad cry (not the same man but i mean that in a most respected way ) .girl power....aka sara

I sent my old man a text message that read exactly like this (had just sent his annual happy Christmas, sorry I don't give a damn text): And to you Dad. I should probably let you know that I have gender dysphoria and have begun transitioning.

Dear old Dad being the alcoholic no hoper that he is sent back: Hope u choose a nice dress in the best possible taste.

So I thought I had best clarify things with: Congratulations. I think that may be the single most inappropriate response I've had to the news so far. I think you had better leave it until you are sober before you respond though I appreciate that may take a few years.

Rosie

Quote from: Paulagirl on March 15, 2014, 09:00:24 AM
My sister helped pave the way with my Dad. She primed him about my gender in a vague sort of way. Then I walked into his house, he looked me over, a once up and down, and was kinda silent. I assumed he was-Furious, disgusted, or in shock. A few hours later, sitting at his kitchen table (a very long few hours), He said 'I see you've made some changes, I can't say I understand, but I know you're smart enough to know what is best for you. It may take some time to call you your new name, or just get used to having a daughter, but be sure you are always welcome, and you are same part of the family you always were.'
We've chatted a few times about gender, and transition, but he seems to not really care about the details. He does however, make me feel welcome, and loved as he always has.
I cannot speak for every parent, as I've read some horror stories, but approach coming out to parents with the mindset that their love is unconditional.

Very nice story .My wife and daughter are my rock .When you have family on your side your one lucky girl .. But for the girls that are on there own. if i can do anything just type something my way ...aka sara

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on March 15, 2014, 10:42:04 AM
I never met my father and most probably never will. At least, that spares me of one more awkward conversation.

My story started kind of like yours ,did not know my father till i was 22 , In life you only move forward ! If your future hands a chance to know your father perhaps the stars will line up . Love yourself and others will follow .aka sara

Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on March 15, 2014, 02:15:46 PM
I sent my old man a text message that read exactly like this (had just sent his annual happy Christmas, sorry I don't give a damn text): And to you Dad. I should probably let you know that I have gender dysphoria and have begun transitioning.

Dear old Dad being the alcoholic no hoper that he is sent back: Hope u choose a nice dress in the best possible taste.

So I thought I had best clarify things with: Congratulations. I think that may be the single most inappropriate response I've had to the news so far. I think you had better leave it until you are sober before you respond though I appreciate that may take a few years.

Rosie

Thanks for write your story . I might just be someone in computer world but i wish for you to look for the good in your transition .Remember your 1 and others have there place in your transition . We sometimes forget that people outside of our family can bring a much needed positive role in our lifes . There seems to be very loving family in this site . reach out and see who responses .... aka sara

I never came out to my father, I could never come out when he was still alive.

After my father died I did some deep reflection. I realized he was miserable his entire life because he never got what he wanted out of life. I refuse to let that happen to me. That is when I started to seriously thinking of transitioning.

Quote from: allisonsteph on March 15, 2014, 08:03:50 PM
I never came out to my father, I could never come out when he was still alive.

After my father died I did some deep reflection. I realized he was miserable his entire life because he never got what he wanted out of life. I refuse to let that happen to me. That is when I started to seriously thinking of transitioning.

Thanks for your story . With that insight of living your life to the fullest thats great .I am 50 myself and maybe the wisdom we have gained with our age we can share with others . Theres times when just warm hello make someones bad day bearable . But then again your NEVER TO OLD  to find something new and interesting ( finger nail polish, or a skirt ) .aka sara