Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Carrie Liz' thread on mental leaps made me frame a topic that I have been struggling with.

I seem to have a belief that I don't deserve feminine things until HRT has shaped my body and face sufficiently enough.  I have to earn them through transformation.  That makes no logical sense, but is none the less a kink in my think that I would like to hear others discuss.

Is it I have a girl brain, but not body... ergo half of the whole- or is it I am allowing the outside world to judge if I am worthy of femininity?

Femininity is internal and expressed from within, why do I feel the need to deserve it?

I have the same issues. I feel funny calling myself a woman, since I don't have the experiences or anatomy that binds together the female planet. I still see myself as something of an impostor.

I know that there are many different types of women, not all women share common experiences, blah, blah, blah. But I did not grow up a woman. I do not have the perspective of someone for whom the culmination of sexual contact means being penetrated. And probably most important, while the gender identity part of my brain is female, most of the rest of it gives me a distinct male point of view.

I've been able to avoid the trap of feeling like I need to pass to be a woman. But passing is very, very important to me. It's a major quality of life thing.

However, I know many transwomen who don't pass. They are among the happiest trans women I know. They are mostly very happy with their transitions.

 I fully understand. It does seem that we must change our bodies to deserve to be feminine. I know I do. Taking HRT which is great & so look forward to long term changes so maybe my mind & body can maybe finally match. For me it's been all my life that nothing has matched, I did not find a way or the courage to somehow change my body  sufficiently. So I'm still trying my best.


Good luck GF's. It's not easy.

Tricky one isn't it?  Is there a point in transition where I wake up and say 'yep, femininity upgrade unlocked'.  I feel there needs to be criteria.  Will I ever feel it?

I know I am trans.  I know I have female identity.  I know I feel a fraud as a male.  I know the way out of depression and fatigue is transition.  I know I want to transition as far as possible- to pass.  I know that even though I want to pass, I want to be public and an advocate.  All good so far.

I think of myself as t-girl, not a girl.  I dont fit the two box system but given a choice its box F please.

And yet...

There admittedly is a disconnect. After so many years of expressing femininity and yet just being stuck being perceived as male anyway, idolizing women as these perfect beings that we'll never live up to, it's a bit jarring when suddenly you finally actually are being seen as female. It's like "what...? me...? really...?"

After so many years of begrudgingly accepting one's maleness an an inevitability, it's a bit difficult to re-wire your brain to see feminine things as being completely normal now, and actually seeing yourself as an equal to those who you've spent so much time being envious of.

I suppose the reason I have had such an easy transition is I have always felt female in my heart and soul. I don't have a need to earn anything feminine. Being full time really just felt like taking off a male uniform and returning to who I was after the play was over. Anyway, who sets the scale for me to compare myself at all too. I am me and am an original so I don't feel like I have to meet anyone's criteria for being me.  :)

Femininity is a state of mind, not a state of being.  By focusing on the external, I think you are setting yourself up for the slipper-slope of being dependent on external validation, on societies often idealized expectation of what a women is supposed to look like. 

I've always believed that everyone has the right to be who they want to be as long as they're true to themselves. I had the right to be feminine pre-HRT and I have a right to be masculine now post-op. And no one can trample on or claim to know more than what I experience.

Some of us are more feminine looking than others from the start.

That said, it takes effort to look your best. Nothing wrong with starting now.

The lightest makeup on your eyes, the slightest growth of your nails along with proper care, minor eyebrow plucking can make for huge results.

I have cloistered myself by waiting to get out there only to find it feels great to get out and do things, and nobody cares as much as we do about our presentation.

Oooh a tantalizing thread! Just when I've been trying to put the same ideas and concepts into some form of order over the last few days. Oh god, yes this is a tricky one!

Now this really only applies to me. It's probably crazy and a little long winded. Though maybe there are some other girls with similar views and thoughts? It feels like my physical situation and condition is impacting my new life, but it's really hard to define how. I feel it... it still feels like there is a 'gap' between that proverbial badge of womanhood and where I am now. What I mean, I still feel different around other women, and I hate that feeling. Sure, there was a different childhood and adult life, but I'm still just a woman and there are far more similarities than differences.

I do much the same as other women in the wardrobe department, I dress for my figure ( or lack of ), and dress to blend ( rather than stand out ) while still displaying my own developing style. I have the same mannerisms and generally fit into the ( over ) generalization for the way women talk and act. I love most of the female gendered past-times like shopping. By all accounts, I'm just female. I fit into this world so well.

Yet all the while, this horrid little voice in the back of my head whispers "but you don't pass 100%". Sadly ( and I mean that ), I do care about passing. Within reason... Sure, there's some time allowed to reach that, and there some effort required, and it's not going to happen overnight. But it is oh so important. And somehow it feels like the key.

So I wondered recently, once I've finally finished changing my body, somewhere near a year down the line, will that nagging little voice go away? I mean, every woman I know is insecure in something about her body. It's perhaps not overly healthy, but certainly normal. The procedures I've already decided on ( FFS, SRS, BA if needed, and some sculpting ) are extreme. Yet it is result of some serious internal issues with my body. Will it end there? Will I be satisfied? Will all of this just result with me on a lifelong plastic surgery quest for 'enough'? Well, I can't say for sure, but I feel confident in saying that I won't get hung up on the things I can't change, or get hung up on chasing perfection. It's not attainable. I'm only looking to change what I can.

And now, after getting all of that out, I realize that the only difference between me and another woman ( aside of my past, and DNA ), is that I know I'm a trans women. And now realising that, all I want to do is to go from feeling like a female, but still a transwoman, to just feeling "cis". Maybe that's the same as "femininity" the OP describes? Perhaps that is the one thing which I will never find. Is it possible to feel that way? Or will the scars of living the wrong life in the wrong body remain forever? I doubt any of us will ever forget the past.

There, that's enough incoherent banter from me. :)

Sorry, I don't think there's a membership card. Just gotta be who you wanna be! Pretty sure there are plenty of cis women who don't want to think of themselves as feminine. :-\

I agree with Ms Grace. You should be who you want to be. It's your life and no one else is affected by who you want to be unless they choose to be. Most people are too self-involved to notice others around them unless they have a particular self-serving interest. With this in mind, live your life in the manner that you want.

I just want to add that life is too short to not be who you are and want to be.  People are so busy with their own issues that even though they might give you a longer glance or even a stare, they forget and move on. Be confident and know your rights and show that and people will respond accordingly. Just get through it and you will see it's better on the other side.

Great stuff everyone.

Yes- It is very much avoiding 'setting oneself up for a fall' that I am trying to work on here.  Correcting course before I travel distance.

Earning by external validation.   Not good.  Definitely worth sitting down and working on that. 
It may be that my false 'male' persona is associated with my face- until I get distance my self from that aspect  I will be unable to build self esteem to reward myself with feminine things.

Perhaps it is just habit.  Denying oneself feminine choices for so long.  I hated clothes shopping... but now I feel excited to buy femme gear... but don't because I haven't earned it yet... see?  Weird.

Someone suggested to me a while ago, and I now totally agree. Find some kind of social activity you can do with and around a group of primarily women.

There are subtle social and gestural differences between women and men, but the key here is subtle. It can be shocking to realize how little time, thought or effort women put into being themselves. We can really stand out in a crowd by trying too hard or dressing up too much for a casual event.

I agree, vanity can be a very bad path to take, but a little vanity is OK. Most of us transition in part, because we wish to look more female. It is part of being trans.

It's not like cis woman find their womanhood as soon as they're born..It takes them years just like us.

This just goes to show, passing has to do with more than appearance!

When I first went FT I heard many women say about men...."well that's a man thing" or "leave it to a man". I purposely avoided using these myself since I didn't feel right saying them...but more so I felt I didn't earn the right too, like many other women did. Many of the times when these are said its not meant to bash men but more to compare the differences. These are something I was not use too, I had only been treated as a man for most of my life, I was now getting use too being treated like a women.

Since a little over 2 years FT I can totally relate with saying things like this now. Its not that I am treated badly (well sometimes) or that I think men are idiots, its the fact men are completely different....and they have no idea LOL

Sometimes fitting into the correct gender can bring with it the consequences of the crappy way women are portrayed or treated. I was recently evaluated by my direct supervisor and apparently I need to work on not bringing my emotions from my personal life into work WTF!! Oh, but I am good at keeping our department clean!! I couldn't believe what I had just read....another male coworker told me I should report him to HR for crap like that!!

Shelly, thanks for your post. We are treated different & not very nicely by some men. However I think we all would not change a thing about ourselves other than become a stronger better woman. Maybe kick that guy in the shin the next time he bothers you with degrading comments.

Wow! good to know I didn't end this thread.....seems that every time I post something the thread ends. I wish I knew why that was!!

Just kick him in the shin for all us GF's.