Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok so I did everything right I thought.. had months of therapy and started HRT about three months ago.
Feeling so good about my mind and body changes.. I am a total girl on the inside for sure and making great progress on my looks.
I am very female and the barriers I had put up came crashing down on E.. The HRT has worked wonders.. I am lucky with that.
My entire family accepts me totally and happy for me except my wife of 31 years.
Last week she suggested I get a different house down the street.
She has not taken this well at all and even with the therapy she is getting wants to split if I continue.
Its not that she does not love me.. her heart is broken apart.. she even saved all my clothes I was throwing out because they smell like the old me.
I see the great pain an suffering she has been having and it hurts me so much.
She is trying to survive by distancing herself from me and wants to end our relationship soon
She can't watch me change its too painful for her.
So here is the problem.. I still love her more than you can imagine and I don't want to lose her.
I cried for three days last week and finally decided I want to try and stop transition and try to live as a guy again.
Its a real battle because I know I won't ever be happy as a guy but hell I am 55 so maybe I can take anti depressants or something to cope.
I just at this point don't see me happy as a woman without her and if I continue I will lose her forever and she is my soul mate.
We would work together and see each other but at this point seeing her with someone else will kill me...
I am going to try to at least take a break from HRT try to clear my head and decide.
She will give me time I need.
I am so fem acting now not sure I will even change back to the male I was.. The E feels so good I feel happy all the time except the part of me I am losing.. my wonderful wife..
I know others have gone through this any advise would be helpful..
Carrie

I wish you the best. Yes it is hard dealing with GID. I lost my wife of 25 years, but i did not lose who i was.
I lived all my life to make others happy and it was my time to make myself happy.
No one can expect our spouses to accept us if then can not. They are adults and can make there own minds up.
I am now re-married and finished up my transition almost a year ago.
Why must we live always for others?

Again i wish you the best in your struggles. I truly hope you find happiness somehow. Its all we can ask for in life.

Hugs
Isabell

Thanks Isabell,
I have always lived to make others happy... especially my wife.. we really are so close.. I wish I could be my real self..so much.. I love how I feel now.. and my GD has already started.. I see a girl on TV with cool nail polish and I cringe.. nail polish Is one of my weaknesses..among every other female thing :(
Carrie

Everyday is a new day.

Life is so short and maybe you and your wife can come up with some type of terms of acceptence?

Hugs
Isabell

Yeah,  some kind of compromise, where you don't go full female, but can become androgynous "metrosexual-ish" and still fill the "male" role in your relationship? Like paint your nails with clear, etc.

Not sure I can sit in the middle.. when the T hits.. my coping has been to indulge myself in an activity like flying or boating.. I may buy another damn plane and get my commercial certificate to keep me busy..
Keeping me happy sure has kept me broke.... seriously..
I sure love my new curves hate to see them go... even my chest development make me feel more normal and happy... this really is hard.
Carrie

Quote from: JamesG on March 17, 2014, 09:13:29 AM
Yeah,  some kind of compromise, where you don't go full female, but can become androgynous "metrosexual-ish" and still fill the "male" role in your relationship? Like paint your nails with clear, etc.

Quote from: carrie359 on March 17, 2014, 08:44:22 AM
I know others have gone through this any advise would be helpful..
Carrie

I'm one of those "others". My wife was initially very supportive. That didn't last.

Hugs. This is was the hardest part of transition.

My only advice would be this: You can't control what your wife does. Don't try. Do what you need to do. Be honest and caring. Do whatever she asks as long as it doesn't compromise who you are.

That last sentence is important. Don't change what you needed to do in hopes that she'll change what she does. She will do what she needs to do. You should do the same.

But understand that you have no control over how she feels, or how this will turn out. It's like the weather. You need to accept it and to feel what you need to feel.

Good luck Carrie. Your wife is lucky that you care so much about her. I really hope this helps. Please keep us posted.

Yup. While it's easy to say you "support and understand" someone's transition,  its something else to be presented with the shock of its changes.  As I'm sure you're aware, she married a man, specifically the man you presented yourself as. And she built her life, world-view, and future plans and dreams around that.  Now you want to turn that all upside down.  And while women do relate more easily to each other, most do not have any sexual attraction to the non-masculine.  I donno how much that that is an issue, but I'm willing to bet it's a factor.

Carrie, hugs

I too am presented with a similar dilemma; however, not as extreme.

I will share what my wife said to me. If you stop will you resent me. I said yes.

I am not going off HRT but it does influence how I proceed.

I am going at a pace I think is considerate to both of us.

In the end we all make decisions and compromises and every relationship is different.

Just because you DE transition it does not guarantee she will see you like she saw you before.

I have thought  about what it would be like if I DE transitioned and (although I do not know) I think it would end badly.

I hope things go well for you and please keep us informed of how you are doing. 

Thanks so much for all the posts girls.
I really really love my wife.. have ever since we met.. We married after just three months and have been together 31 years.
I am in love as much as the first day... and she with me although she is not in love with the girl me that has happened in the last three months.

In my heart I don't know for sure I can be happy and transition.. if I loose her and I will if I continue.
If I keep going I need to move out in the next 8 weeks ............
She will distance herself from me because of the pain and it will be over.
Not sure I can live with that.  My sis thinks I need to be true to myself but hell I am a damn good looking guy.. especially since I lost weight and the hrt really makes me look a lot younger.. which I will lose if I stop taking my meds. I will be at best barely passable as a woman I think  not really sure and I do have issues with vanity..
I am really a mess.. the girl in me took over completely and did not care the cost of transition.. but when reality hit and I knew she was ready to break up I have paused.
I am so confused..
I am going to a lgbt church on Sunday with sis to meet other  trans and plan to  talk to others to see if I can understand myself better..
UGH.. this is so hard
Carrie :-\

It's tough, no way around it. I've been there with a wife long ago.

Not sure what advise I can give you other than you are not alone whatsoever. I'm sure lots of our members have struggled with the same problems.

Guess just go slow & think thru any major decisions.

well, I'm going to toss in my 2 cents here. Take it for what ever. I've lived my entire life with this gorilla standing behind me watching every move. I've been alone all my life due to this dysphoria. it took me a life time to realize what was causing the problem of my loneness. When I was a lot younger I dated a lot had a lot of partners both male and female. Then it stopped and I've been alone for quite a while always wondering why what was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to find a wife ,but never could. My problem was the dysphoria crippled me. I'm transitioning now and feel at peace with myself. What I'd like to say is that really think hard about throwing away a marriage.  It's really all I've wanted for so long and couldn't have. Your so lucky from my perspective to have love .I  know the pain of dysphoria , but I also know the hell of not having love. Please don't take this as just as any thing other then sharing an opinion.

My worst fear.  Still.

I was able to set boundaries and stay with them, find out what was the comfort zone and keep with it, to keep my wife.  She sees male most of the time.  She ignores the feminine side.  There are still difficulties, but I save full transition for when I am alone, and warn her before she walks in on me.  However I have preserved my female physical needs, I just throw something over it.  From the neck up she still sees the same person she married, no dramatic changes, just overall softenings.  I was able to maintain (horrors) a beard for the trade off of keeping the marrage, it is something familiar for her and keeps the rednecks off my neck.  She will never ever see my torso.

So far, it has worked, and there also has been intensive prayer.

So sorry to hear of this with you.  Personally, I cannot stop the estrogen.  But I can maintain the familiar for her.  Sex was lost years ago, partially to BPH, and mostly to dysphoria interference.

Maybe a joint session with a really good trans therapist together can work out some kind of common ground.

I have 25 years of marriage at stake.  I don't know what I would do either.

If you have the courage to talk of detransition, perhaps you can try the middle ground.

Good luck.  So sorry.

Another one here in the spiltsville club.

I was faced with a decision to keep drinking myself to death or get help, and help was to accept who I am and start transitioning. A Hobson's choice.

I had been happily married for 27 years to my soul mate and had two college age kids. I loved being married. I did not like being a guy, and having to be a guy was killing me. It had to be one way or the other, life or an early grave.

I made a decision to live.

My wife didn't want to be in a lesbian relationship and split. Watching her drive away was the absolute worst moment of my life. I almost called her to beg for her to return.

Regrets? To be honest - yeah, all of the time, but they are starting to recede as time passes. It was the worst decision I ever had to make. But life goes on and my wife is starting a new life where she wants to live. Today we were emailing back and forth and were talking about divorce; neither of us can afford to lawyer up and we're trying to settle it amicably. I have mentally moved on too and am in the process of rebuilding my life while also figuring out who I am.

I want her to be happy and I don't want her to be stuck with me if she doesn't want to be, and she wants the same for me. Our paths in life have simply diverged. C'est la via.

My opinion FWIW is that you are heading down a dangerous path that is ultimately going to bring great harm to you, because trans* is not a thing you can wish away. But everyone is different and maybe you can find a way to make it work. My heart goes out to you and I hope for the best for you Carrie.

~Eva

I'm sorry everything is going a bit rough.  I really have no great advice to provide, as I've never been married or had to deal with this, but I did want to say hang in there.  There is no shame in thinking about things deeply and factoring all the different costs involved in all the potential angles.  If you can give it time and your wife is at least allowing that, then maybe things will work out some way in the end.  At least, I hope it does for you.  Good luck! 

Thanks Eva,
I have some family and friends that think I should go all the way.. especially my sisters.. they see me as female now and say I never in my life seemed so alive. They love who I am becoming.. Said I smile all the  time now.
Even my son says the same thing.. that he loves the new me... seeing me so happy and easy going now.
For example, he came over with our grand son.. and I saw his new jacket and noticed it was new.. so I wanted to know all about it and spent time with him chatting about how cool different features were..
In guy mode before HRT I would have never noticed it.. and been annoyed to have to spend time with him at all.
I have not stopped yet.. and not sure I can even though I plan too.
I have no idea how I am going to make this decision.
I did look at a plane today to buy and may just put all my energy into that and getting some advanced certificates in flight which I do love.
Carrie

Quote from: Eva Marie on March 17, 2014, 09:30:33 PM
Another one here in the spiltsville club.

I was faced with a decision to keep drinking myself to death or get help, and help was to accept who I am and start transitioning. A Hobson's choice.

I had been happily married for 27 years to my soul mate and had two college age kids. I loved being married. I did not like being a guy, and having to be a guy was killing me. It had to be one way or the other, life or an early grave.

I made a decision to live.

My wife didn't want to be in a lesbian relationship and split. Watching her drive away was the absolute worst moment of my life. I almost called her to beg for her to return.

Regrets? To be honest - yeah, all of the time, but they are starting to recede as time passes. It was the worst decision I ever had to make. But life goes on and my wife is starting a new life where she wants to live. Today we were emailing back and forth and were talking about divorce; neither of us can afford to lawyer up and we're trying to settle it amicably. I have mentally moved on too and am in the process of rebuilding my life while also figuring out who I am.

I want her to be happy and I don't want her to be stuck with me if she doesn't want to be, and she wants the same for me. Our paths in life have simply diverged. C'est la via.

My opinion FWIW is that you are heading down a dangerous path that is ultimately going to bring great harm to you, because trans* is not a thing you can wish away. But everyone is different and maybe you can find a way to make it work. My heart goes out to you and I hope for the best for you Carrie.

~Eva

Stephaniec,
Thank you, giving up the love of my life is so hard.. we are so close and have always had a perfect marriage.. except for when I almost transitioned at about age 30 ...then decided not to.. no matter what I do I will always be female inside.
Take care and thanks
Carrie

Quote from: stephaniec on March 17, 2014, 06:48:48 PM
well, I'm going to toss in my 2 cents here. Take it for what ever. I've lived my entire life with this gorilla standing behind me watching every move. I've been alone all my life due to this dysphoria. it took me a life time to realize what was causing the problem of my loneness. When I was a lot younger I dated a lot had a lot of partners both male and female. Then it stopped and I've been alone for quite a while always wondering why what was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to find a wife ,but never could. My problem was the dysphoria crippled me. I'm transitioning now and feel at peace with myself. What I'd like to say is that really think hard about throwing away a marriage.  It's really all I've wanted for so long and couldn't have. Your so lucky from my perspective to have love .I  know the pain of dysphoria , but I also know the hell of not having love. Please don't take this as just as any thing other then sharing an opinion.

What I can say is I 100% feel you. I have been able to start hrt for over a month. Every time I look into my wife's eyes I see the pain, so I postpone. Every time we talk she says I have to do what I need to do to be happy and that hurts. Because to me transitioning is not the only thing I need to be happy. I need her. So I say to her I need to move out. And she says I can't move out. And that feels good. But it hurts. She has said she will help by keeping me on Her insurance and pay most.of the bills. But I feel like crap because I've always been the bread winner. But now I am on disability and I need Her help to transition. And that makes me.feel like I'm taking advantage of her, because if in the end we won't be together and I will never be able to pay her back. So just know you are not alone in not knowing what to do. If you ever need to talk just message me. We are close to being in the same.place and maybe we can help each other if its just someone to rant and rave to. I have not.been with mine as long as you. But I've never felt this kind of intense love before in my life of 47 years. I wish you all the luck hon. Everything might not work out the way you want. But it does work out the way it is supposed to.
Tons if hugs,
Norma Lynne

Oh Norma Lynne,
I wish she would let me at least live with her... If my wife you keep me and I could transition I would be so happy.
I am trying to make the decision to stop HRT but I just don't want to .. I may not be able  to at this point.
For me the E has released the girl in every way.... I have now tasted the other side and I am afraid the male is gone for good.
I have development up top and have some pain there and if I hit something with  my chest it hurts but I love it so  that tells you how I feel.
I am so trans....
I wish I could just go on being a guy for her.. because she makes me happy..
I really don't know what is going to happen.
Thanks so much for your post Norma,
Carrie

i'm sorry to hear that carrie, that's got to be extremely difficult, I myself have never been married but I have had a few girlfriends who didn't like the fact that I wanted to be a woman. That is a very difficult decision to make and it's got to be heart breaking since you have always felt like that. I don't really know what I could say what you should do but I hope everything works out for you carrie.

Was praying for you today, was deeply greived at the pain on the board with marriages and the power of our dysphoria.  I am still wondering or hoping if it was possible to be able to nurture the "woman within" without necessarily having the show the woman outside... I take my strength and dysphoric stuff from always being aware that the physical side is very much female, while I still look and act mostly male.  I know many of us need to fully transition all the time both internally and externally, but it could be a ray of hope maybe? 

I would do anything to keep my marriage, but she did not ask me to turn my back on what I am, as it is futile for me to try.  I purged probably more than 50 times.  The last time, I broke, and was willing to lose everything for it.  Now, I am not willing to lose anything for it, but keep trying to live that fine line of acceptable.

My heart breaks for you and for her.  I only hope you can find some kind of way out.  Same for everyone else, the pain of transition is so great.  I had about 6 months of agony and it was only saved by my wife's faith, and her finally understanding to not fear what I was becoming, as a result of prayer.

I am so lucky I feel survivors guilt.  My God what hurt is here... its too much...

And you wonder why I race things with 4 wheels around little oval bowls at very high speed with a bunch of other ones...  I did the escape thing too, especially driven under the lash of testosterone.  Which you probably can drop a bit with your doc if you try to detrans, but I know nothing of these things.  I can't handle testosterone personally, and it feels like crap with no estrogen and no testosterone either.

My shrink always said to ask my wife if I was exceeding her comfort level, and she always tells me, like the time she accidently saw my chest in a cami.  It took a while to find where she was ok and so was I.  She can't see whats under the jeans or the big shirts.

I sure hope you can stay married.  I don't know what to say.  I just want to fix it and I don't have the power.

:(

Satinjoy,
OMG thank you.
I was talking to my son yesterday and told him I have to choose between being me and being with the one I love dearly.
Its like I am destroying a beautiful relationship with a beautiful woman.. My wife is way way above average even for her age.. She looks like Barbara Eden from I dream of Jeannie..not that that is the most important thing but she also is humble and loves me and is anything but stuck up.
She is in many ways the dream wife that any man would die for and here I am with a decision to let go of my love..
I know for a fact if I transition i will lose her and never get over it.. there is not way I would be able to be happy without her.
So I am faced with the decision.. lose myself or her.
I know if I take testosterone all my habits will return and I will have GID again.
I also hate how oily I was and how much I stink as a guy.. and those are things I did not  think about until hrt changed me... I love how I feel.. so young and free and happy with myself. I love waking up in the morning and feeling tired and girly instead of grumpy as a guy.
I also am not compulsive anymore and just happy living.. except when I think about losing her.
This really is the biggest decision of my life period and I just don't know what to do.
Carrie

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 18, 2014, 08:23:22 PM
Was praying for you today, was deeply greived at the pain on the board with marriages and the power of our dysphoria.  I am still wondering or hoping if it was possible to be able to nurture the "woman within" without necessarily having the show the woman outside... I take my strength and dysphoric stuff from always being aware that the physical side is very much female, while I still look and act mostly male.  I know many of us need to fully transition all the time both internally and externally, but it could be a ray of hope maybe? 

I would do anything to keep my marriage, but she did not ask me to turn my back on what I am, as it is futile for me to try.  I purged probably more than 50 times.  The last time, I broke, and was willing to lose everything for it.  Now, I am not willing to lose anything for it, but keep trying to live that fine line of acceptable.

My heart breaks for you and for her.  I only hope you can find some kind of way out.  Same for everyone else, the pain of transition is so great.  I had about 6 months of agony and it was only saved by my wife's faith, and her finally understanding to not fear what I was becoming, as a result of prayer.

I am so lucky I feel survivors guilt.  My God what hurt is here... its too much...

And you wonder why I race things with 4 wheels around little oval bowls at very high speed with a bunch of other ones...  I did the escape thing too, especially driven under the lash of testosterone.  Which you probably can drop a bit with your doc if you try to detrans, but I know nothing of these things.  I can't handle testosterone personally, and it feels like crap with no estrogen and no testosterone either.

My shrink always said to ask my wife if I was exceeding her comfort level, and she always tells me, like the time she accidently saw my chest in a cami.  It took a while to find where she was ok and so was I.  She can't see whats under the jeans or the big shirts.

I sure hope you can stay married.  I don't know what to say.  I just want to fix it and I don't have the power.

:(

it seems the question is which has greater value to you. Living out the remainder of your life with her   or being the woman you want to be. really only you know. I don't know being the woman you want to be , you may or may not find a partner of equal value if that's more important then daily living as a female. If having a partner is less important then I guess you'll be happier as a woman . I guess you can always find a partner, but then again will it be an equal , greater or lesser trade off. Whether your new partner is male or female will it be of equal love. I don't know its really up to you.

Regardless of what you look like, you are and always will be a woman. Take comfort in that while you decide what you're going to do.

Declan
So true.. I have thought about that and now that my whole family knows they have even greater respect for me..knowing I have been so good to them at the same time fighting this all my life.
I even told my wife yesterday if I decide to stay male that I really am a woman all the way.. she thinks I am 50/50.. and I said if you include my male body but I am near 100 percent girl inside.
Thanks for your message,
I see my therapist tomorrow kind of an early emergency  thing since i had such a breakdown.
In  the end I don't think I can stay male.. but we will see.. its a battle that has to be fought I suppose so I know i have made the right decision
My wife asked me if she died today would i transition.. and I said honestly yes there is no doubt.
Carrie

Quote from: Declan. on March 19, 2014, 12:15:49 PM
Regardless of what you look like, you are and always will be a woman. Take comfort in that while you decide what you're going to do.

I wonder if you can make the breakthrough to live male stealth knowing that you are female under the skin anyway - as has been said, that will remain.  I can be female and look male.  My undergarments are very not male.  My outer appearance particularly publically are very not female.  And I cover up - actually my wife is able to handle me from the waist down, including the lingerie peaking through under the nightshirt, and she can handle my rather nice legs.

But I am comfortable knowing I can do that, my center if you will is female, my body's nervous system is emphatically female and my hormones are female.  Yes I hide boobs.  Yes my wife still gets backrubs, joyrides, everything she needs to feel the relationship has not fundamentally changed.  This sacrifice I can make because I am secure in my female center and see through the disguize, through the eyes, to see the girl within anytime I wish.  But she doesn't see through it or she finds a way to disregard it.

If your wife can make that breakthrough - find a middle ground of stable familiarity - maybe there is a ray of hope.  You'll need expert therapy on that level.  Someone that has save a trans marriage through transition or knows the keys to do it.  Its always a long shot for us anyway, but there is that chance, and I personally don't believe in trying the restart, not unless its full time and female in a female sexual role- and even that can be postponed.

Trust me I get the compusivity link to T over E the same happened with me, raising the stakes to be on it.  As well as the deceptive bad habits if you will, which I now can avoid vigilantly.

The stakes are too high here for you.  Those stress levels are way too high.  I hope the shrink can help.  I still don't know if you are compelled for full time woman, or an all or nothing deal to revert back to fully male, or if there is a way to keep your center.

A good woman is very hard to find, one that is your soul mate.  The pain level of your dysphoria may ultimately determine the outcome unless you can find a way to satisfy it internally without necessarily expressing it externally visibly... some can do this... some cannot or should not do this we are a rainbow of gender variations and needs of self expression.  And your wife will need to like the color of the rainbow you wind up settling into, hopefully in an honest comfort with yourself and one she shares.

But nobody can really advise you without being in your shoes and hers.... actually I wouldnt mind being in hers... kidding....
and ultimately it has to be worked out together, in some way that is reasonable for both of your deep needs.

Please dont self destruct on this.  In AA we say dont drink before the miracle.  Don't give up before the miracle, keep seeing if there is a way, some way to negotiate a place where you and your wife can both be at peace, even if it is an uncomfortable peace in the beginning.

So sorry and I hope something in here that helped me also could help you or anyone else reading this post.

Will continue to pray, have turned it over to God's compassion and He sees the big picture and knew this was coming.  I can't sense the outcome just the pain on both sides.

Also you may be able to propose an adjustment on your end and ask a concession on hers and try it for a while to see if it works, I think once you make the move out you are correct, it would be extremely difficult to regain that ground.  You may be left alone with a mirror and a harmonized self image feeling the dysphoria has betrayed you.  Your wife, however, has not.  The blame is not hers.  She is as much hit by your dysphoria as you are, but in an opposite way.

Not easy being trans.  Have to really see through everything and be rigourously honest with yourself, others, your identity, the works.  Took a lot of help for me and I know you are getting that.  And fear is evil and destructive, a tool for harm, sometimes with a core of truth, sometimes with a core of deception.

My God I was lucky.  Nearly all of my therapy was centered on keeping my wife, while understanding and becoming comforable in my own skin, and stopping hiding.  She had no clue I hid it for 25 years from everyone, totally and successfully.

Terrible night, coming out.  Worth it though, got rid of the fear and deception.

I don't know what will happen but you know there are many, many here that care about you regardless of the outcome.  And if you are able to detransition and keep the relationship and a measure of happiness, that is also of great value.  I would suggest you continue therapy regardless, long term.

good advice

Quote from: carrie359 on March 17, 2014, 08:44:22 AM
From the OP
Ok so I did everything right I thought.. had months of therapy and started HRT about three months ago.
Feeling so good about my mind and body changes.. I am a total girl on the inside for sure and making great progress on my looks.
I am very female and the barriers I had put up came crashing down on E.. The HRT has worked wonders.. I am lucky with that.
My entire family accepts me totally and happy for me except my wife of 31 years.
.
.
.
I know I won't ever be happy as a guy but hell I am 55 so maybe I can take anti depressants or something to cope.
.
.
.
Carrie

Carrie,
Please be very careful if you try to "cope" with being miserable as a guy by using drugs (including prescription drugs from a qualified Doctor) it could result in your mental and physical death.

You are valuable as you, as the woman you are.

Much valuable advise has been given, things may work out in the long run, your wife may be able to learn to love the soul within you and not the wrapping around it.

-Cindi

First before the update I have to brag.. I have lost 60 lbs now and can wear a size 8 Nine West jeans...I tried on my wifes to see how far I needed to go to lose weight and could not believe they fit.... and they fit awesome in the butt by the way..
I like my new body. I have a figure.. If I wear a medium shirt I have boobs.. my sister had me try on a shirt and I liked it..
She messed with my hair and said I can look cute.. I don't see it at all not sure how she does..


Update.. and also commenting on Satinjoy's post...all are appreciated but this one especially helped me .. I already know what I must do but i have to work through it.
Ok so I go to therapy yesterday and its all about my wife.  I tell the therapist.. you don't understand I have the perfect wonderful most amazing soul mate I love and she loves me.
She says, does she love you enough to be flexible?? She is trying to make me think. My wife is willing to give me free time to be a  girl but wants nothing to do with it and if I don't stop E it will be over I think... I don't want free time to be a girl on testosterone.. that sucks and I did it all my life.
I tried my usual.. lets look at this again.. and tried to say maybe this is a fetish.. and of course  then my mind wonders back to when I was in elementary school longing to be a girl, with the girls and when they started getting boobs praying to God  to grow mine.. Dreams of being one of the girls in a circle on the playground laughing only to wake up and cry because it was a dream.. a wonderful dream..
So I am trans.. I am a girl on the inside.. I know it .. its who I am ..and have always been.
So she said do you really want to go back to the deception and not be real.. Answer.. no, I like being real and everyone loves me the same.. except my wife.
See, the thing is.. now that I am real, I am real in other more open ways.. my son and daughter love the new me.. My sister too..
My best friend from High School.. an alcoholic, thinks I am nuts to ever do it and give up my wife but supports and loves me in whatever I do.

We talked about how co dependent my wife are with each other.. we are in a sense one person.  Everything in our lives revolves around each other.. not many other friends just our two little cute wonderful dogs we love so much and oh yes son and daughter.

She thinks we need to mourn the loss of me together hold each other and get through it together.

My wife and I have had a wonderful week.. what I have done is try to act more mature.. I was at times silly..and not very mature so I am respecting her enough to check my behavior and be more considerate of how she feels and what my changes do to her.
I have bought some time.. a lot of time to just see what happens..
No more nail polish in front of her.. I put it on and I hate to take it off...you know the drill..

She says the he in me is gone and it is.. I even think I am acting normal and she says I am way off..but she still has fun with me and I make her laugh all the time.
I hope if I tone it down maybe she she will adapt a little over time.
The best bet is that I will eventually have to fully transition and i will have to leave.
We would always work together everyday and be very good buddies. 
I am possessive of her love even on the E.. I thought that would help me.. maybe with time on E I can feel more like I just want her as a friend.. after all she is not gay at all dang it..

I am going with my sister this weekend to visit and meet other trans woman.. I need to find someone who can cut my hair as I grow it out.. its getting pretty long.
I also want to do make up for fun and I need help with that..

I want to stop so I can keep her but I don't think I can ever go back to being a guy guy..and that sucks because as a guy I look so dang good.. I am very very handsome and do very good in business... so transition could change everything for me...
I did  tell my therapist.. what if I transition and lose her and regret transition.. then what.. she said that is a risk I take..
UGH..
All I know is I love being a girl...(woman) I feel so so good on E.. I can't stop..ever.
Carrie
PS I get mistaken for a woman on the phone all the  time now.. I get called honey and dear a lot by other women on the phone.. I get hugs more now than ever from female customers and I don't know why.. they don't know I am in transition..
I think I am a better person than I was.. I am free..

 

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 19, 2014, 07:47:04 PM

Trust me I get the compusivity link to T over E the same happened with me, raising the stakes to be on it.  As well as the deceptive bad habits if you will, which I now can avoid vigilantly.
OMG never going back to that again.. I was freed December 19th from the deceptive bad habits.

The stakes are too high here for you.  Those stress levels are way too high.  I hope the shrink can help.  I still don't know if you are compelled for full time woman, or an all or nothing deal to revert back to fully male, or if there is a way to keep your center.

A good woman is very hard to find, one that is your soul mate.  The pain level of your dysphoria may ultimately determine the outcome unless you can find a way to satisfy it internally without necessarily expressing it externally visibly... some can do this... some cannot or should not do this we are a rainbow of gender variations and needs of self expression.  And your wife will need to like the color of the rainbow you wind up settling into, hopefully in an honest comfort with yourself and one she shares.



Please dont self destruct on this.  In AA we say dont drink before the miracle.  Don't give up before the miracle, keep seeing if there is a way, some way to negotiate a place where you and your wife can both be at peace, even if it is an uncomfortable peace in the beginning.

So sorry and I hope something in here that helped me also could help you or anyone else reading this post.

Will continue to pray, have turned it over to God's compassion and He sees the big picture and knew this was coming.  I can't sense the outcome just the pain on both sides.



Not easy being trans.  Have to really see through everything and be rigourously honest with yourself, others, your identity, the works.  Took a lot of help for me and I

Sorry, never been married, never even been in much of a relationship either, so can't offer much by way of a solution. You clearly love her and I understand the distress it must be causing both of you. She may come around but she may not. It sounds like you will be fairly "absent" if you remain male though, what with the anti-depressants and the busy business you'll drop yourself into - so I'm not sure what she feels she will get from that kind of relationship

sorry your in such a predicament ,but From your posts I think you know what your ultimate decision  is going to be, good luck.

I've been through several of these "WTF am I doing??" meltdowns since I started taking on the trans beast for real 6 years ago at the age of 52. Even today I still have tremendous guilt over how this is affecting my wife. Guilt driven by the residual shame of simply being me, being different.

If you can ask her, she will say I am crazy. But not for what you may first think. Crazy because today I am far far better, healthier, happier than before. Trying to live a lie, live some "Ideal", some image as I did for decades took it's toll. I became a non-person. Worse an angry person. Or as she might say these days when I slip into "Bro-Mode", being a macho ass hole.

But don't think for a moment she is in any way happy about the prospect of me going full-time or her being married to a woman. As she often reminds me that she enjoys men, she did not marry a woman. (Through she was well aware of my TG status from about day one some 30 odd years ago)

It took time. It took gallons of tears. It took lots of open honest communication while walking that fine line of TMI. Even for her this has all been difficult to come to grasp. Hell! It's been pretty difficult for me too! I wish I had a clear idea of what path to take when I come to the fork in the road. At least this time, unlike in the past when I walked this road, I know I am not running back to do it all over again. One of my daily affirmations is "I know what doesn't work"

So I wonder.... Can your wife be overwhelmed? Perhaps a case of too much too fast? Oft times a problem for us when we finally open the floodgates. Life becomes Well that's out of the way now full-speed ahead.

Joanne,
Yes gallons of tears I can relate to that for sure.  I wake up this morning feeling pretty male so I thought then on my feet and oops.. not male at all.
I went to a store today.. and walked in front of a mirror and saw me.. skinny now after loosing about 60 lbs and had a OMG moment.. my longer hair and my face is looking fem..
Made me think wow, I have changed.. and I like it and ok with it.
Taking a shower this morning my hair hanging down below my eyes for first time in my life and I am liking it.. can't cut my hair.
I like my body now first time ever.. or at least whats happening to it.
So, I know the right decision ... and and what I will do in the end.
We have slowed it a bit.. I act better around her and we seem to have gone through part of the grief.. now we just talk matter of fact.. that we love each other and one day if I continue will find a place and be best of buddies for ever.. we will work together every day so I suppose I can't ask for more than that.
I have that WTF am i doing every day and think.. i cant do this.. then realize.. I may have no choice.. I am who I am and I  accept that now.
Carrie