Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I think I've fallen in love with someone who has anxiety.

We spent about four hours in a park on Sunday just talking. Okay, there was some hand-holding and kissing too. He (FTM) said he loves my dimples, and I love the way he kisses them.

On Monday we were talking about meeting up again this coming weekend. Then on Tuesday he says he can't handle this and needs to step away. I was heartbroken, but not too surprised. A previous partner left him in the hospital after she nearly killed him -- during sex no less.

I told him that if he needed space I'd give it to him, and resolved myself to another one who'd wouldn't be able to have a relationship with me.

Then this morning I get a message from him saying he wants to meet again this weekend after all. About 2 hours ago we talked on the phone, something that he rarely does due to his anxiety. I really want to see him again, and he said as much about me. Considering that both of us had previous relationships end poorly (although my ex didn't try to kill me), I told him that we should be taking things very slowly.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, even though I don't know what to expect. For all I know, he could message me tomorrow cancelling.

I'm in love and conflicted.

When two people with significant, but different, triggers come together, it can be both challenging and deeply rewarding. Communication is essential, especially working out, and practicing, signals to give each other when one is being triggered (and may be nonverbal because of it). It is important for both of you that each person take ownership of their own triggers and the communication to work through it. And to give the other the time and space to work on their stuff alone when need be. That said, it is often while United and uniting with a partner that we are healed and we overcome our root triggers much faster and more deeply than we would alone. Good luck.

Thanks Madeline. Yeah, communication is extremely important. I have to remember to be fully open and honest.

About 2 hours ago I got a frantic text message from him saying his landlord had kicked him out. I sent messages to folks I know who specialize in homeless resources and emergency shelters. It seems that he misunderstood the situation and had jumped to the wrong conclusion. He's not kicked out, he still has a home.

I will now go and eat my feelings. I was so worried about him.

When we share a soul connection, we can find ourselves feeling our other's strong emotions. If you focus on the feeling and where it is in your body, you can breathe compassion into it, and feel it dissolving and the energy attached to it returning to you and to him with a new found peace and understanding of your selves, your connection, and your emotional bodies. No need to numb out. Let the energy return to you that you put into the feelings.

That's beautiful Madeline. Thank you.

I'm glad your talking it slow.
speaking of myself who have anxiety I couldn't not survive any relations with someone who didn't.
I also tend to have abit of problem with people who on the other hand refuse me because of the anxiety, that
if i'm not capable of loving someone then they will go for someone ells. I think it common phobia that he will worry about you leaving him or hurting him after putting fellings into it, at least I feel like that if theres someone I like one one hand I want to call them everyday, on the other hand I want to never call them because im scared it may turn out bad and it better to avoid bad things.

I wouldn't hesitate to date someone confined to a wheel chair, and much of the things I've read lately about disabilities and ableism would suggest not dating someone because they have anxiety or depression amounts to ableism. Why would I not consider dating him because of this? Is it easy? No.

I'll be honest, his asking for a lot of patience is reminiscent of my ex who'd asked for patience while she worked herself out before coming to the conclusion she had to leave me. But this guy isn't my ex. I need to unlearn that which triggers me regarding relationships and stop measuring people according to my ex.

Being with him gives me joy. Might we ultimately prove incompatible? Maybe. Until that is proven I will pursue this relationship, giving him the patience and space he needs. If all goes well, my needs can be met too.

Okay, I shouldn't have called "him" my "boyfriend." That's because they identify as androgynous. So, I think we're using titles such as "SO/significant other" and "partner."

I also found out that they're borderline bipolar. Whether or not that's been contributing to the misunderstandings we've been having I don't know. When I left them this morning, they were unhappy and needed space. But since then we've exchanged numerous text messages and a couple of phone calls. They've indicated that they very much want to be in relationship with me. So, we're going to keep trying, but slowing things down.

There's also the issue of anatomy, and it seems that 2 trans persons in an intimate relationship is more challenging than I'd expected.

Quote from: Constance on March 29, 2014, 07:31:20 PM
There's also the issue of anatomy, and it seems that 2 trans persons in an intimate relationship is more challenging than I'd expected.

it can be a challenge as far dyshoria goes, but I belive trust and patience is the key.

We met again yesterday and things are very good. We're getting better at communicating and we're pretty much officially a couple now.

And it's over. My partner said the relationship was too stressful and so we've ended it.

I'm so sorry, Constance. :( -HUGS-

Thanks Malachite.

I'm sorry Constance. I know how much that can hurt. It is so tough when you love someone who is isn't ready to handle the profound effects of a love relationship. It is little consolation that your being as wonderful as you are made them willing to try, but it is up to them to heal enough to actually be ready. *hugs*

Thanks Madeline.