Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My girlfriend of almost fifteen years broke up with me last night. I had a feeling it was coming, she's been distant for a while now. I was away this weekend and had a weird feeling that something was wrong and she was going to end it, and she did. We still live together and own a house, so that complicates things a bit, also we have pets.  Plus being in school, I don't have the money to move out. She said I can stay for however long it takes and we are still really good friends. She said it wasn't me and she just wanted to be alone. I'm kinda freaking out right now emotionally.

I am so sorry to hear that Michelle. I sure there is nothing I can say will make it better, but I am saddened never the less. This is also something that most likely will be happening to me in the near future and don't look forward to it bit. Yeah I could say the usual crap like it will get better and stuff like that but I am sure it will most likely not help so I'll skip it. It is never easy losing someone and my heart goes out to you.

Hugs

I'm sorry to hear about that, luv. Take care'a you.

sorry

That's a tough place to be emotionally. I'm going through much of the same with my wife of 15 years. My heart goes out to you Michelle. *hugs*

Sorry she ended the relationship, hugs.

Quote from: michelle666 on March 24, 2014, 10:21:52 AM
... I'm kinda freaking out right now emotionally.

I know how much it hurts, and sometimes all we can do is cry.

Hugs.

The 12~15 year, "I'm so tired of your crap" itch...

Thanks everyone. It sucks but I'll get through it eventually. It not so much the romantic part of it that but the friendship part of it. I really hope we can continue that at least.

Hugs.

I understand this totally just loosing my marriage; It certainly hurts to invest so much time into someone (My case was 10 years) and then get rejected. I hope you can keep a friendship going, it seems you really want one. I will caution you though, I thought I wanted a friendship with her afterwards, but as time went on I realized that I didn't, I couldn't get over my own feeling of betrayal at the situation and I realized I would certainly poison any relationship we would have going forward. Just be careful and more importantly try and be honest with yourself about you wants, needs, desires, and future goals; some people can do the friendship things well, others cannot.

I'm sorry about the dumping Michelle - it's hard to be rejected by someone you have built a life with and trusted for many years. I am heading for divorce from my wife of 27 years so I know what you are feeling right now.

Life does go on. We get up every day and deal with stuff, and the pain slowly, slowly, slowly...... subsides.

Hikari is also right - as you let go of the other person you may realize that they are not a good influence in your life and having them leave frees you up from negative things. So it is with my wife - the baggage is gone now and it left with her.

I am so sorry this is happening to you Michelle. Like many of the other here I too am losing my long term partner and am going through a divorce after almost seven years.

However I am inspired by your optimism and courage.

So this whole being dumped thing took a really strange turn of events. I still live with my ex and we are really close. Since the breakup and me going full-time and hrt and everything, she really likes who I am now. She says that I'm nicer, more caring, I communicate better and she wants me back. The problem is that I met someone else that I am in love with and pretty much worships the ground I walk on. I saw things getting serious with this girl and about a month into it I asked my ex if there was any chance whatsoever that we would get back together and she said no. So, all my attention was focused on my new gf. About a month after I asked my ex, she come to me and tells me that she is in love with me and would do anything to get me back. I'm really conflicted. Do I go back to the person who I was with for 15 years and broke up with me, do I stay with my new gf whom I am in love with. I still have some feelings for my ex which is probably understandable after being with her for 15 years. I start thinking about things and start thinking that it's totally unfair that she told me what she did after I asked her if there was a chance. I worry that with my ex, I'm forbidden fruit and there is some jealousy from her seeing me with my new gf. Shes always taking digs at her because she's 20 years younger than I am. Part of me thinks I shouldn't throw away 15 years and try to reconcile, and then part of me just says to move on with the new girl. I love my new girlfriend and can see myself marrying her, I think shes going to propose to me. She gave me a diamond ring last week ans said she has something to ask me the next time we are someplace special. I can only think one thing with that.

Has anyone here experienced something like this?

Sorry for the long rambling post....

This is a very hard one so take my advice with a grain of salt.

This new girl if you let her go, will you be happy or resentful.
If you let her go and your ex changes her mind again 10 seconds after. How will you feel.

I am not accusing here but really trying to state possibilities.  My heart is with you dear.

Quote from: michelle666 on August 27, 2014, 04:09:13 PM
So this whole being dumped thing took a really strange turn of events. I still live with my ex and we are really close. Since the breakup and me going full-time and hrt and everything, she really likes who I am now. She says that I'm nicer, more caring, I communicate better and she wants me back. The problem is that I met someone else that I am in love with and pretty much worships the ground I walk on. I saw things getting serious with this girl and about a month into it I asked my ex if there was any chance whatsoever that we would get back together and she said no. So, all my attention was focused on my new gf. About a month after I asked my ex, she come to me and tells me that she is in love with me and would do anything to get me back. I'm really conflicted. Do I go back to the person who I was with for 15 years and broke up with me, do I stay with my new gf whom I am in love with. I still have some feelings for my ex which is probably understandable after being with her for 15 years. I start thinking about things and start thinking that it's totally unfair that she told me what she did after I asked her if there was a chance. I worry that with my ex, I'm forbidden fruit and there is some jealousy from her seeing me with my new gf. Shes always taking digs at her because she's 20 years younger than I am. Part of me thinks I shouldn't throw away 15 years and try to reconcile, and then part of me just says to move on with the new girl. I love my new girlfriend and can see myself marrying her, I think shes going to propose to me. She gave me a diamond ring last week ans said she has something to ask me the next time we are someplace special. I can only think one thing with that.

Has anyone here experienced something like this?

Sorry for the long rambling post....

Instead of asking yourself the answer to all these questions, you need to ask yourself what your heart wants to do. All those silly questions won't get you anywhere. They'll just confuse you some more

Gl!

Quote from: Myarkstir on August 27, 2014, 04:17:00 PM
This is a very hard one so take my advice with a grain of salt.

This new girl if you let her go, will you be happy or resentful.
If you let her go and your ex changes her mind again 10 seconds after. How will you feel.

I am not accusing here but really trying to state possibilities.  My heart is with you dear.

That is one things that worries me. That the ex would leave me again. If I left my new gf, I would be devastated and so would she. She uprooted her life to be with me and be closer to me. But on the same token moving out of the house I share with my ex is going to be hard also.

I have always been a believer in the "what have you done for me lately" philosophy - Give serious thought as to who was there when you needed them and who wasn't - If push comes to shove sometime in the future the results will probably be the same as they were in the recent past - I sincerely wish you all the best

be well
jennifer

I would stick with the new girl.

I hate to illustrate it in this way, but here goes (and I think the basic trust issues are the same): say you're an employer and you have a great employee of fifteen years; you trust her with anything.  One day, she tells you she's leaving.  You're sad and disappointed and you feel a little betrayed, but you can understand why she might want to go, and you don't put up a fight and let her leave.  You even once asked her whether she'd ever come back, and she said no.  So you find a new employee who is just as good - maybe better - and you're learning to trust her in the same way you trusted your old employee.  Then the old employee suddenly wants to come back.  You should tell the old employee that you're sorry but there's no position available, despite her being a highly competent employee.  Inside, you just don't quite trust her anymore, not like you once did, and once broken, that level of trust doesn't come back.  But you could easily see yourself that same special trust for your new employee.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd be worried the ex would just up and leave again.  She did it once and realized that nobody died of a broken heart.  Once bitten, twice shy etc.  It'll be easier the second time.  (I'd also worry - and I may be way off base here - that the ex sees how happy you're getting and wants to sabotage your relationship, although I doubt this is the case.) 

Stick with the great girl you have right now.  See how that works out.  Being successful in our rather odd lives often means looking to the future rather than the past.

Fifteen years is a long time, sure.  But you've moved on now, right?

Or perhaps not...  You wouldn't be asking us this if you had...  ???

Quote from: jennifer356 on August 27, 2014, 04:47:55 PM
I have always been a believer in the "what have you done for me lately" philosophy - Give serious thought as to who was there when you needed them and who wasn't - If push comes to shove sometime in the future the results will probably be the same as they were in the recent past - I sincerely wish you all the best

be well
jennifer

This is part of the dillema that I'm having. My ex has been great to me since we broke up. I lost my unemployment and had no income, she paid all my bills and supported me for two months. SO, even though we weren't together she was still there for me.

Follow your heart. If I was tossed aside and fell in love with a new that is fully welcoming I would not look back. However the ex was always there for you. This is a dilemma.

VERY tough decision.  I am in a state of depression that is getting a little better, but I shouldn't try to give advice to you in my present mental state.  Just want to say, I hope for the best for you.

Johanna.

This is something that you are gonna' have to decide by what is in your own heart. But this is my opinion, your Ex had the chance and she dumped you. You found another girl that really seems to be into you. A lot of times we want what someone else has and this new girl has you and your ex don't. Me personally I would stay with the new girl and tell my ex that I love her for a friend and it was a good 15 years but lets keep it at friends since it seems so much better as friends than lovers. But that's just me. Been in that situation before and when I messed something else up for and ex, I got dumped again. And the sad thing is that I would consider the possibilities if they ever arose again.

But You have to do what you feel in your heart is right. Don't listen to me because I really don't know what I would do either. Sorry michelle that my advice kind of sux and is about as helpful as a toothache. :-\

The ex was always there for you.... until she wasn't. Trust is everything; it has been broken and I would not let her back into my life again. She left for a reason and you even gave her a chance to come back and she declined. If you let her back into your life - what then? The relationship would not be the same and leaving would be far easier for her the next time. I would focus on the new person and not look back.

lol wow that is an interesting turn of events . maybe that ship has sailed for her , or not , you have to just do what your heart tells you to do it does not seem like it took you very long to move on to someone else  some people after separation need to take years to get over someone and begin dating again so maybe you do just see her as more of a friend and you shouldnt stay with someone out of a feeling of obligation you have do follow your feelings when it comes to relationships so really consider your feelings and identify them . your the only one who knows how you feel so its hard for anyone  to say what you should do . you have to be aware of your own feelings if you dont have that self awareness your going to be making a lot of mistakes that will lead to your unhappiness .  :)

After hearing all of this, it would seem, if it happened to me, that logically the new girl would get my vote. Still a tough call, though.

To me, it seems obvious that both you and your ex still love each other. But.... is it the same kind of love you have with your current girlfriend?  Did your love morph from a true partner to friendship?  Did hers?  And your love for your current gf, is it the kind that will last as it is, or will it morph as well to something different. 

Take this with a grain of salt if you want.  I put these questions out there to get you thinking, and with both your heart and brain, not just one or the other.  Whatever you decide is not going to be easy on anybody involved, especially you.

I also phrased these questions so as not to question if you love one girl more than the other, just what type of love is actually present. My wife and mine's love for each other ended up morphing from true partnership to friendship (mainly because of trust issues arrising indirectly and unknowingly from my being trans).  If anything we actually love each other more now than before, and our relationship is stronger as a result.  It's just not a true partnership anymore and is now friendship, but bff's.  :P

Look into yourself and try to see the ties that bind, and figure out what kind of ties those are.  Then you should be able to make the decision you need to.  If it helps, calm yourself through basic meditation techniques so you don't become over emotional in your search.

I hope it helps

Quote from: jeninindiana on August 27, 2014, 06:24:30 PM
lol wow that is an interesting turn of events . maybe that ship has sailed for her , or not , you have to just do what your heart tells you to do it does not seem like it took you very long to move on to someone else  some people after separation need to take years to get over someone and begin dating again so maybe you do just see her as more of a friend and you shouldnt stay with someone out of a feeling of obligation you have do follow your feelings when it comes to relationships so really consider your feelings and identify them . your the only one who knows how you feel so its hard for anyone  to say what you should do . you have to be aware of your own feelings if you dont have that self awareness your going to be making a lot of mistakes that will lead to your unhappiness .  :)

It didn't take me long at all. I went on OKCupid like two weeks after because I got tired of being miserable and alone and started going on dates the next day. I did meet anyone serious there, but made a couple of good friends, which is very nice. But I met my new gf about three months after the breakup and we've pretty much have been together ever since. I think there was maybe two or three days that we didn't see each other since we've been together. I was seeing my ex as more of a friend and then she dropped the bomb on me telling me she loved me and wanted me back. I have to admit that I wasn't the nicest person in the world the past couple of years. I didn't yell or abuse but I was distant. She was too, we didn't communicate at all, I slept on the couch for about two years, it was pretty much like we were broken up already. But since coming out and everything, I'm a lot happier, I communicate my feelings and I'm everything she was looking for before. Except for the trans part. We have talked about what would happen if we got back together after surgery and she doesn't know how she feels about that, whereas my new gf is a lesbian.
Everything was great until the I want you back thing. I told her that it was unfair to do that to me.

yes if she is not a lesbian that is going to be an issue for her if she is attracted to men . you want a romantic relationship so if she is not attracted to women then I would think that relationship would be doomed before you throw what you have away think about why your ex wants you back if she has always been attracted to men its unlikely she is suddenly attracted to women I guess its possible but you really cant worry about making other people happy you have to make yourself happy . you may always feel love for eachother but is that romantic love and isn't that what you want?