Susan's Place Transgender Resources

One of the things that eats at me is whether I could have chosen not to transition and kept sane.  I don't think I could, but I dare not admit it either, since it was so painful for family.

So my question as a confirmed gender dysphoric on hormones is this:  Was there a wall or a point of no return for you with the dysphoria, or did you have a choice?  Or was the choice between great pain and conflict with testosterone and self image, and peace with your body?

I was willing to give up everything when I crashed with this.  Now I am not willing to give up my loved ones, yet cannot imagine attempting to stop hormones, nor do I have any desire to do so.  And for me its partial transition for family's sake, and based on the extent of my own dysphoria which permits me to be presentationally socially male.

Any thoughts or similar struggles?  I'll bet there are thousands.

Oh my! I kept this hidden well for 40 years and ended up on 12 daily meds for everything. I hit the wall hard and the male shattered leaving this beautiful woman who has been off all 12 meds for 12 months now and is in near perfect health. Only meds now are HRT and euphoria! I feel 15-20 years younger and have a real zest for life and little things like sunset's. I lost a little in the process, but gained more than I ever thought possible. The only thing I can say positive about living in fear of discovery so long is it gave me the tools to come out big and deal with it well. I may not have ever been able to transition successfully without earning it the hard way. I value every minute now and take nothing for granted anymore. :)

life or death

yes life or death , and im still in that kind of a situation...
i just hope that one day ill be able to live as a normal girl, if that for some reason proves to be impossible then i guess i wont have much to live for...

Well, there's always a choice. But basically, stepaniec said it. I could at least try to transition at my own pace, or I could give up on life. Those were my options, as I saw it, seven months ago. Could I have continued just to pretend being a man? Probably. But I would be even more miserable, and I wouldn't actually live.

Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 26, 2014, 07:38:28 PM
yes life or death , and im still in that kind of a situation...
i just hope that one day ill be able to live as a normal girl, if that for some reason proves to be impossible then i guess i wont have much to live for...

Yes, that...

I was at that crossroads and transition was the only way to carry on.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the size of the task and how little progress I seem to be making, and that's when I get into a dark place.

I think it's important to focus on the steps forward we are making :)

But in answer to the OP's question, no, there is no choice, or the only only choice is a very stark one.

I had a choice...

Transition or die

I was well on the way to drinking myself to death. I was drinking 10-12 shots of bourbon a night. I weighed nearly 250 pounds. My blood pressure was 210/140. I smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. Agonizing over wether to transition or not cost me my marriage my family, and my career. I told my wife as painful as it was losing her and my stepchildren, it is better for them to lose me this way than to suicide.

Since I have gone forward with my transition, I have lost over 75 pounds and am still losing, I have quit smoking, and I have maybe 1-2 drinks a month. My blood pressure is in the normal range without medication. There are no ifs ands or buts about it...

It was transition or die

I resisted the realization that I didn't have a choice anymore.  Even when I knew that I was headed down a path that would eventually lead to suicide, I resisted acknowledging that I had gone through the stages of considering transition, wanting to transition and made it all the way to I have to transition without ever being the wiser.

If I could have avoided transitioning in any way, I would have.  Let's face it, you don't risk being rejected and ostracized veryone in your life or go through all these medical procedures unless you absolutely have to.  I tried everything to help me cope before I could accept I was trans, and I almost ended up dead twice inside of a month.  Hell, I didn't even want to have to take hormones, and when I finally did, part of me hoped they weren't the answer and I wouldn't have to take them. 

Nope, they were everything I needed and then some.

It seems that I didn't choose transition as much as it chose me.

I suppose I could have chosen to become increasingly more miserable, but why the hell would I ever do that?

I don't think that I really had a true "choice". It was more like: "How long can I hold this off with whatever distractions I can come up with?" It started at 10 as far as the distractions went (music). Then at 15 it went to street drugs since I had also been battling suicidal thoughts for 5 years and they got stronger and stronger every year. I know that doing drugs isn't a good idea, but without that at the time, I would have never made it to 16, never mind making it to the age that I am now.

With the aid of those two things, I was able to make it through to age 29, but the thoughts were always there in the back in my mind. But I could cope with it. At age 29, the walls came crumbling down and I had one choice: Come out and initiate my transition, or be dead within a matter of months if not weeks. I came out to my mom on August, 3rd, 2006 and went from there.

I knew that by that time, I had no real choice. It truly was life or death and when those ARE your only options. It really isn't a choice anymore. It was more of a matter of survival than anything else regardless of the consequences.

I'm sorry for sombre mood but I don't like this question. There are those who chose to live. But the number of trans* people who take their own lives is beyond upsetting. They didn't have a choice in being who they were, and couldn't cope with taking the hard steps either.

My heart goes out to all who have fallen...  :(

I was heading for a coffin,not by suicide but due to being so drunk or stoned that I often fell asleep in the bath or set something on fire cooking when out of it.I cut back on my drinking and stopped the speed and weed shortly after starting HRT

There was no choice for me.

I identified as female from earliest childhood, way before starting school, and life just kept getting worse and worse. I wanted children more than anything else in life but realized by age 8 that might not be possible. By puberty I was attracted to boys and just wanted to live a normal life with all the same possibilities as normal girls and that was slipping away from me so I was becoming more and more desperate (for medical help and some way to change my life). As my friends were starting to date and to become sexually active, I was left behind in a no-man's land, unable to live any kind of "normal life". By my early 20s I was very isolated and alone. The birth of my niece (the reawakening of my maternal instincts) and my boyfriend marrying someone else brought my world crashing down and I hung by a slender thread for a couple of years with suicide being an every-present danger. Had it not been for one very concerned doctor and a generous surgeon, I would not have lived much longer.

There was no choice. Forty years later now and I can't believe how close I came to death.

The easiest way for me to answer your question is to copy my response to someone who was wonder why some people would 'choose' to transition.

Quote
I just want to add my response to chaos's well presented response. (Wow that sounds clumsy)

For virtually every trans* person we have exactly two 'choices'. Transition, or die. That's it. That's why in my reply to Walrus I said, "We don't transition because we want to. We transition because we have to."

I'm not sure I have the words to describe things properly but...

I am female, biologically I have a male body though. I hate it. I loathe it! Ever since I hit puberty I've had testosterone poisoning my body and altering it in ways that make me want to scream myself raw and then curl up and die. Every time someone looks at me I know they're not seeing me, they're seeing the (male) costume I've been forced to wear. Every time I look in a mirror I see someone who is not *me* looking back, and I die a little more inside. Every time someone refers to me with male pronouns, every time I hear myself speak, it's like being knifed in the heart.

I'm not transitioning because I decided one day that being a girl would be like, so totally awesome,. I am a girl, even though I haven't been able to act like one or be treated like any other girl. What I *need* is a body that matches my brain so I can stop feeling like a stranger in my own body and so I can dress and behave like any other girl and not have to worry about getting the s**t beat out of me, or outright killed, because I'm not behaving the way people expect someone who looks male to behave.

I have exactly two 'choices', transition or die. As much as transitioning scares me, dying scares me more.

At this stage in spite of increasing gender dysphoria and perhaps due to low dose hrt I do have choice.  I can choose between full or partial, fast or slow, transition to another gender binary or to somewhere else on the gender continuum.

For me transition is a constant, but do I feel compelled to embrace or to pursue full transition to another binary outcome - the answer for me is a resounding no.  But we are all different.  We each have our own life paths to choose and to take.  This life, at this time, takes me down a path less travelled - androgyne, gender queer and proud of it.

Safe travels

Aisla

Quote from: allisonsteph on March 26, 2014, 08:22:56 PM
I had a choice...

Transition or die

I was well on the way to drinking myself to death. I was drinking 6-10 beers a night. I weighed nearly 190 pounds. My high blood pressure had given me a stroke. Transition cost me my marriage. I told my wife as painful as it was losing her, it is better for her to lose me this way than to suicide.

Since I have gone forward with my transition, I have lost over 35 pounds, and I have just a few drinks a month. My blood pressure is in the normal range with medication. There are no ifs ands or buts about it...

It was transition or die

I changed your story around just a bit to make it my story but I think you can see the similarities. Overweight, health issues, alcohol dependencies - not a good way to live. My choice was between continuing to live the way I was and waiting for death to find me, or choosing life and getting a new "me" out of the deal. That was a decision that didn't take me too long to make once I realized I was at the point of having to make the decision.

A reason for retiring early was to get my pension set up so JoAnn would get my monthly check if I died. JoAnn expected for us to live relatively happily together for another 25 years, while I couldn't guarantee I be alive for two weeks.  I had come up with so many ways to kill myself it was starting to get funny.  But then one night and I finally decided to live after gathering up all the pills in the house and staring at them.  Yes, transition is a life or death situation.  I didn't wait until I'd taken all those pills to decide to live, I guess I was lucky.

The rest of this is just typing through my early morning cry.  Skip it if you want.

So I created an account here on Susan's to search for advice about two years ago.  But even then I couldn't face the full reality of my life, and I did something shameful and despicable.  I lied about my life and hid some of the truth from the very girls who were giving me hope as I begged for help.  I couldn't say I was self medicating with hormones found on the streets or garage sales because they'd kick me off the forum.  So I embellished the truth with the things I wished I had the strength to do, and that drove me deeper into depression.  I finally hit the emotional bottom, and with that went on to get help from a "real" Gender Therapist and qualified doctors, and not just counselors.  I wrote an apology everyone here on Susan's, and I kind of wish I still had that post.  Oh, I don't tell you girls everything, but what I say is not a lie, and there's no longer a need to embellish the truth.  What's happening in my life is ->-bleeped-<-ty enough without filling it with more of the same. 

But ... I'm never turning back from this transition.

For me, the idea of remaining male seemed so dreary and dismal that I had a hard time even seeing it as a possibility. I enjoyed most of my life as a male, but being female, when I finally figured out that's what I needed to do, was so wonderful and genuine that the rest of life paled in contrast. I don't think I could have remained happy if I hadn't transitioned.

well my turn  ^-^

I tried to fix the man, so to speak, by marrying and having children.

That was not a so bad decision, because at least in the first 4-5 years I gave all my love to the children and I think that I have created a good connection between me and them.

But the problem was that I was not a man, my ex-wife expected from me to act as a man, and more on that my MIL... I frantically and pathetically tried to save the marriage continuing to be the "mom" of the children but at the same time trying also to maintain the fake shell of a bread-winner, conscious husband.

I did not have drug or med addictions, but I had sexual compulsive addictions, especially towards the things that Nature had denied me: breasts, pregnancy, nursing... I was even interested in LLL (La Leche Legue) meetings, I went there and brought also my wife... tried to get her engaged with "advanced" parenting issues like extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc...

Curiously enough that made my disphoria manageable because I was a man but in the company of women, talking about milk, pregnancy, birth techniques (I actually studied to help my wife have labour at home...), I joined several forums of mothers
to study, to talk to them, to exchange parenting issues.

It was funny, I was not stealth, I declared myself as male, I did not faked a female nick, but the other women "felt" something similar and we connected well, I was a sort of "mascot" of the forum... :)


Well, long story short... that was not manageable, especially here in Italy, were parental roles are clearly distinct, mothers should do mothers and fathers fathers.

I separated from my wife, hoping to have my spaces to continue to give the love to the children, but unfortunately that was not the case.

Depression hit hard, because I was now alone, male and the children were gone. That was the culprit of the pain, and Marina had only one option to continue to live without breaking the body... to align it to her perception. I don't currently know what this would bring... but I really had no choice.

Jessika put it just about perfectly.

Not much of a choice for me either.  Suicide is simply not an option, ever, for me, so that was totally shut down.  Drinking is not an option I have been sober for decades and am a highly respected AA member.  So for me the brain went into a dark place of total overload finally resulting in me reaching out to the docs for hormones, getting my letter, taking counciling.  But first I called my best friend and told him, expecting rejection which would have resulted in me completely cracking up.  He did not reject.  He remains my best friend and a prayer partner.

I was ready and willing to be kicked out of the house, find a hotel room in a lousy area, and start looking for companionship in the bars like I did at 18, dressed under my clothes then, incredibly drunk, looking for anyone that would pick me up in the gay disco whether male or female.  Get blitzed drunk, add pot if arround, and get laid... every night for years.  I used to pass out before I got laid and it probably saved my life.

So long before I hit the wall at 55 I had already hit the wall.  I fought this dysphoria as hard as anyone could, and the result was that it utterly crushed me.

My choices?  Accept it, or allow my mind to completely and totally shut down in the worst possible breakdown imaginable.

Now, on hormones, with expert shrink help, with an understanding or at least trying to understand wife, living stealth male albeit uncomfortably but its always been that way anyway, and sharing here on Susans with you - and you are precious to me, believe me,
I have a large measure of peace and freedom.  Hormones have made a huge difference for me.  I remember driving early on and realizing I was actually experiencing Happiness.   Not driven happiness, it was wow thats a nice field and the colors look cool happiness that comes from someplace other than escapism or horsepower or compulsive behaviours.

My option on testosterone is madness.  Agony.  Now the journey of self acceptance, embracing, seeing the person in the mirror that is me and not something else, honest feelings, breathing deep to release tension and actually feel my very female nerve endings, not repressing, not getting sick over it, not forced to race to forget the pain, not having to prove anything to anyone, being more valuable to those fighting booze, reaching out to the street people... restoring others.  There are a host of reasons for me to be trans.

Did I have a choice?  To be healthy, or to be very, very sick.  Now, I am healthy.  A little nervous, a little raw, and extremely vulnerable - and thank you girls for not being judgemental about me living stealth socially male in spite of my very female wiring - this is where I am now.

So reality is, no.  I did not have a choice and based on the options, I was destined from birth for this crisis and this moment.

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 27, 2014, 06:43:05 PM
Not much of a choice for me either.  Suicide is simply not an option, ever, for me, so that was totally shut down.  Drinking is not an option I have been sober for decades and am a highly respected AA member.  So for me the brain went into a dark place of total overload finally resulting in me reaching out to the docs for hormones, getting my letter, taking counciling.  But first I called my best friend and told him, expecting rejection which would have resulted in me completely cracking up.  He did not reject.  He remains my best friend and a prayer partner.

I was ready and willing to be kicked out of the house, find a hotel room in a lousy area, and start looking for companionship in the bars like I did at 18, dressed under my clothes then, incredibly drunk, looking for anyone that would pick me up in the gay disco whether male or female.  Get blitzed drunk, add pot if arround, and get laid... every night for years.  I used to pass out before I got laid and it probably saved my life.

So long before I hit the wall at 55 I had already hit the wall.  I fought this dysphoria as hard as anyone could, and the result was that it utterly crushed me.

My choices?  Accept it, or allow my mind to completely and totally shut down in the worst possible breakdown imaginable.

Now, on hormones, with expert shrink help, with an understanding or at least trying to understand wife, living stealth male albeit uncomfortably but its always been that way anyway, and sharing here on Susans with you - and you are precious to me, believe me,
I have a large measure of peace and freedom.  Hormones have made a huge difference for me.  I remember driving early on and realizing I was actually experiencing Happiness.   Not driven happiness, it was wow thats a nice field and the colors look cool happiness that comes from someplace other than escapism or horsepower or compulsive behaviours.

My option on testosterone is madness.  Agony.  Now the journey of self acceptance, embracing, seeing the person in the mirror that is me and not something else, honest feelings, breathing deep to release tension and actually feel my very female nerve endings, not repressing, not getting sick over it, not forced to race to forget the pain, not having to prove anything to anyone, being more valuable to those fighting booze, reaching out to the street people... restoring others.  There are a host of reasons for me to be trans.

Did I have a choice?  To be healthy, or to be very, very sick.  Now, I am healthy.  A little nervous, a little raw, and extremely vulnerable - and thank you girls for not being judgemental about me living stealth socially male in spite of my very female wiring - this is where I am now.

So reality is, no.  I did not have a choice and based on the options, I was destined from birth for this crisis and this moment.

it seems your not alone

Not anymore, my dear ;)

Satinjoy - Apart from a few extra years behind me, I am in the exact same place as you are. It can be hard, but I so love my wife.

"Did we have a choice?"

I thought I did until I didn't.

I was definitely at do or die. That's part of what brought me ignore my ex's ultimatums, I was transitioning, with or without, or not moving on at all.

I simply had no choice. The last bout of depression before I began living full time as me nearly took my life for the second time. If it weren't for a tennant of mine coming home early, realizing something was wrong, and calling 911 I wouldn't be here typing this. I couldn't pass as male anymore, only female. So after I recovered it was time to live as me full time. It then took me quite a while to find a Family Practitioner that would actually help me and my wonderful Endo. Though I did initially start my hrt DIY, I'm now on prescription hrt meds and being monitored. No more thoughts of ending my life have crossed my mind as it looks like my insurance will pay for my SRS after the recommended time on hrt, and, it will also pay for VFS and a tracheal shave even though I don't have much of an adams apple (I have to tilt my head a certain way for it to show.). So these days I'm a very happy girl, happier than I've ever been in my life, And now-a-days I see the girl I'm supposed to have been/be in the mirror, instead of an effeminate pretender.

I hate to echo others here, but the only choice was transition or die. I probably would be dead by now had I not taken that first step. I'm about 60%-85% done with transitioning until I go full time though. At least there's light at the end of the tunnel for me now.

Hi,

For many of us  of cause not.  think about Suicide   you have two live or die, its when your close to dieing and i have been 66 years ago well a bit  more than that then you count every day a blessing , yes iv been in the is this life really worth the struggle .

I know what its like , and i have the advantage of being an intersexed female, still had and have issues to get through,

so no choise for myself and i knew at age 10 i would be a woman , well a girl at that time,

plus i had to go through a lot of issues tobe able to go through what i did, so it was not time wasted in fact had it not been for that i more likely would not be here, i have become a very strong woman , trust me you have too

I'v been able to grow into ..... become a woman in my own right, a bit different of cause, yet still a woman with out a doubt,

I did not chose to be a female or woman how i was born dictated that, all i had to do was at the apointed time grow as i should be, an intersexed female by birth and a woman by growing into one , it did not make my life easyer fact was i had issues  and still do just i had to skirt around them , and it takes time yet you get there .

...noeleena...

Ultimately, I did have a choice.

But that choice was either to stay as a self that I was miserable with, hated seeing in the mirror every single day, and barely had any social life because social interactions drained me so much, or to live as a happy woman. Yes, I could have stayed male. But I would have spent my entire life living in a state of melancholy, wondering what could have been, feeling cheated out of the happiness that others take for granted. Again, I could have done it. It just wouldn't have been a very enjoyable existence.

So yes, it is a choice. It always is. But it's rarely much of a choice.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 28, 2014, 12:50:44 AM
Ultimately, I did have a choice.

But that choice was either to stay as a self that I was miserable with, hated seeing in the mirror every single day, and barely had any social life because social interactions drained me so much, or to live as a happy woman. Yes, I could have stayed male. But I would have spent my entire life living in a state of melancholy, wondering what could have been, feeling cheated out of the happiness that others take for granted. Again, I could have done it. It just wouldn't have been a very enjoyable existence.

So yes, it is a choice. It always is. But it's rarely much of a choice.

well said dear

A choice? No, there was never a choice. All I managed to do from the time I realised I was a girl until the time I became that woman was delay the inevitable, painfully. Pain for me and pain for others.

Well, there was a choice.. A choice I tried to take, more than once.. I'm still here, so I guess it wansn't really a choice for me either.

Not really a choice.

Probably just like everyone else I knew at a very young age that I was different, but it was a different time and there wasn't much information available.

I started playing music  and met lots of people with really good drugs, I think the drugs kinda helped me not have to face reality. In my twenty's I cleaned my life up (no drink or drugs) and the dysphoria really hit. By the time I was in my mid 40's I knew I couldn't continue but I still refused to accept what I was. Finally at 48 I was able to accept that I was transexual, and CHOSE to live. I transitioned at 50, and I wish I could have continued the way things were, but I couldn't. I am now more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my life.  No regrets, I wish I had been able to do this earlier, but like I said it was a different time then.

Quote from: dkl on March 30, 2014, 05:34:54 PM
Not really a choice.

Probably just like everyone else I knew at a very young age that I was different, but it was a different time and there wasn't much information available.

I started playing music  and met lots of people with really good drugs, I think the drugs kinda helped me not have to face reality. In my twenty's I cleaned my life up (no drink or drugs) and the dysphoria really hit. By the time I was in my mid 40's I knew I couldn't continue but I still refused to accept what I was. Finally at 48 I was able to accept that I was transexual, and CHOSE to live. I transitioned at 50, and I wish I could have continued the way things were, but I couldn't. I am now more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my life.  No regrets, I wish I had been able to do this earlier, but like I said it was a different time then.

kind of a photo copy of my life

Really no choice for me. I've always been a girl since early childhood & still am after all these years living with a male body. Physically I have not made enough improvements however I still continue to try. So no choice here.

Quote from: dkl on March 30, 2014, 05:34:54 PM
Not really a choice.

Probably just like everyone else I knew at a very young age that I was different, but it was a different time and there wasn't much information available.

I started playing music  and met lots of people with really good drugs, I think the drugs kinda helped me not have to face reality. In my twenty's I cleaned my life up (no drink or drugs) and the dysphoria really hit. By the time I was in my mid 40's I knew I couldn't continue but I still refused to accept what I was. Finally at 48 I was able to accept that I was transexual, and CHOSE to live. I transitioned at 50, and I wish I could have continued the way things were, but I couldn't. I am now more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my life.  No regrets, I wish I had been able to do this earlier, but like I said it was a different time then.

This is almost an echo of my situation which is said better here than in my earlier post. I also knew at a young age I was different and liked girl things. I'm xxy so I've always looked more like a girl than a guy. I'm 49 and will be 50 this Halloween DKL, and if that's your photo in your Avatar you give me much hope. Glad to hear you have no regrets. I don't either and look forward to my SRS after a reasonable time on hrt.

I'm not fond of absolutes, yet I don't know if happiness or self comfort will ever be obtainable for me.  In a sense, I feel that life as male would lead me to a miserable existence where I would constantly feel trapped and be suffering, which I still feel at this moment, but at the same time life as a transwoman is full of adversity and complications.  PErhaps it's my lack of experience and the fact that I'm still stuck in a dark tunnel looking for the light, but I don't know if happiness either way is an option (for me, not saying anyone else).  So, in a sense, I feel compelled to transition and in order to gain some peace of mind that I desperately lack, but I don't know if that's a good thing and it certainly wasn't a decision made without heavy emotions dictating my path.  It just feels like it's a part of my destiny that I really don't have much of a say over.  It just is what it is and I've got to accept that.  Therefore, I really don't see it as a choice because it doesn't feel like I have one. I may be unhappy as male and desire to live as female, but I never ever wanted to live as a transwoman either.  It's something I've tried changing my entire life, but it's who and what I am regardless.  If I had a say in the matter or could have made a change, I would have avoided transitioning or being seen as trans like the plague.  I suppose that's why I still struggle so much making each necessary step even though they are needed. 

I tried to deny it as long as possible, but eventually, I just asked myself why I was denying myself happiness. When my dysphoria got strong, it was a point of no return. It was either transition or die, and I'm sure as heck not gonna die cause I like life too much, so I didn't care what I had to do, I just needed to transition. So nope, no choice here.

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is whether or not to commit suicide." -- Albert Camus

And is that certainly a sad truth. My life has been a series of attempted distractions and attempts to balm the mental wounds I insisted upon inflicting upon myself in an attempt to hide the truth. I threw myself into academia, hobbies, anime, reading -any form of mental distraction. Free time was an enemy - "alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade" and that blade would quickly cut the mask I was wearing, desperately trying to hide the woman within. Eventually I got used to the frenetic pace of living and more adept at hiding myself. I became a regular Moist Von Lipwig, and my great con was convincing everyone around me - even myself, of my masculinity.

If not for the soothing balm of the woman I love and feel privileged to call my wife, life would have been completely unbearable. She brought sweetness to my life that I had never seen before and had convinced myself I was unworthy of. But ultimately, even through the 10 years of joy she has given me, or rather because of it, I allowed the mask to slowly crumble. I felt comfortable enough to let just a little bit of myself out until burying two friends in one week shattered the illusion completely.

Now I'm walking towards a new possibility, one full of hope and the promise of a glorious tomorrow, but it may cost me everything I hold dear. My wife encouraged me to go to therapy in the first place and has been Virgil to my Dante in my quest for womanhood, guiding my first nervous steps into a new life. I always sincerely believed she would be with be beyond the journey but the physical manifestations of femininity may be too much for her to deal with in a spouse. It has become a serious issue of contention as of late and I am afraid I'm coming to yet another crossroad.

So as I continue to proceed forward, I am struck with a terrifying thought. My death would solve everyone's problems... My wife could bury her husband - content in the knowing she stood by him till the end. My mother could bury her son and his memory would never be tarnished with the cursed woman that insisted she was her daughter... My faith tells me I can't do it,  but I keep thinking the macabre thought that my death would free them all.

Ultimately the hope that my fulfillment will make me a better spouse and and human being keeps me going. I choose to try everyday to keep the affections of my wife and strive to build a future we can both be proud of. I choose to hope. It may be myopic, but hope is my key to pushing towards tomorrow with an open heart and a serene mind.

So in all brevity, we all have a choice. Sometimes none of our options are good, and all the paths that follow them are painful, but we have to make them. We have to stand by them with fierce courage and fight on. Life or death. Hope or Despair. The choice is ultimately ours.

I tried so hard to just "forget" about it.  I figured out I was a transsexual at 14.
It's like holding your breath, everyone can do it but eventually you have to come up for air or you die.

Around 27-28, I started realizing I needed to do it, but each year just passed and I felt that much more worse.  So finely I found how to obtain drugs from the interwebs, I started a suicide mission.  I figured, ether I'll live and be happy, or die trying.
Nine months later, I have a psychologist who is really helping me deal with things, and I'm finely happy.

Wow, this thread breaks my heart. I'm sitting here 12 years post-op wondering... hmmm... was it a choice? It's strange because I really didn't feel dysphoria as a boy or a young man, mainly because my body was pretty feminine and I was regularly mistaken for a woman even in that state. So I thought of myself as bi-gendered even then, but didn't feel like transition was worth the trouble. I just incorporated women's clothes in my wardrobe on a regular basis, and wore makeup when I went clubbing, etc., and was pretty much satisfied for a long time just being myself.

Then I met a friend who wore women's clothes all the time and I decided to try it. I told my boss at work on a Friday that I was going to wear women's clothes for a while to see what it was like, and then dressed as a woman starting on Monday. As people interacted with me thinking of me as a woman, I realized that I was a lot more comfortable in that role, so that's what started off my transition. I guess that was when it stopped being a choice.

There's a choice, but it isn't a great one. Live with the dysphoria, only ever being half of who you really are (if that) and living with whatever it meant for you to have dysphoria (for me, anxiety, uncomfort, despair, and a deep yearning/longing for the real woman inside) or transition, and accept all that it means to transition.

I'm battling with it myself, although the only thing I want atm is to transition, I keep looking at my friends and family and thinking about how hard it'll be for them and it just, makes me feel selfish. Like, I can live with this, I can manage (though I'll never be happy) if I really want, but this chance at happiness is fleeting and I need to do something before the dysphoria gets even worse. I can totally understand how some of you you feel like it's transition or death - I know I'm not there yet, but I can see that happening eventually and so, I have to wonder if it's worth delaying for the moment KNOWING I'll transition eventually.

you always have a choice. My choice is that I've suffered way too long and it's time to get things done the proper way.

For me personally no I didn't have a choice.

When I was about 16-17 I knew for sure that this is what I wanted. But life and those voices of doubt kept me from moving forward. I always felt it was out of reach for me at that age. I always felt like I needed someone's permission, maybe my moms, to say it's ok go be "YOU". Believe it or not it's not as easy a step to take when your young and you don't know how to pull things off. Dealing with school and all the things that come with being a teen it's hard enough. I also knew it would cost money I didn't have to be the kind of woman I wanted to be. I procrastinated all through my 20's. It took me till the age of 29 to say look you either need to crap or get off the pot. I didn't wanna wake up at 50+ and suddenly decided to "Be a woman". I got tired of seeing girls I grew up with living full time and done and here I am stuck in limbo. It's something about 30 that scares the crap out of you. I saw it coming and said no matter what you have to do you need to get started NOW!!! Living as a guy is & was no longer an option. I want to live the rest of this life authentically as myself.

I am the same. Born male and now am 36 years old
I feel huge pain and can't even look at other women
yet, my wife is against hormones
right now I feel that most important for me is to be able to pass
hope everything will be fine

Quote from: mandonlym on April 05, 2014, 08:34:41 AM
Wow, this thread breaks my heart. I'm sitting here 12 years post-op wondering... hmmm... was it a choice?

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 05, 2014, 04:44:49 AM
My life has been a series of attempted distractions and attempts to balm the mental wounds I insisted upon inflicting upon myself in an attempt to hide the truth. I threw myself into academia, hobbies, anime, reading -any form of mental distraction. Free time was an enemy - "alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade" and that blade would quickly cut the mask I was wearing, desperately trying to hide the woman within. Eventually I got used to the frenetic pace of living and more adept at hiding myself. I became a regular Moist Von Lipwig, and my great con was convincing everyone around me - even myself, of my masculinity.

If not for the soothing balm of the woman I love and feel privileged to call my wife, life would have been completely unbearable. She brought sweetness to my life that I had never seen before and had convinced myself I was unworthy of. But ultimately, even through the 10 years of joy she has given me, or rather because of it, I allowed the mask to slowly crumble. I felt comfortable enough to let just a little bit of myself out until burying two friends in one week shattered the illusion completely.

Now I'm walking towards a new possibility, one full of hope and the promise of a glorious tomorrow, but it may cost me everything I hold dear. My wife encouraged me to go to therapy in the first place and has been Virgil to my Dante in my quest for womanhood, guiding my first nervous steps into a new life. I always sincerely believed she would be with be beyond the journey but the physical manifestations of femininity may be too much for her to deal with in a spouse. It has become a serious issue of contention as of late and I am afraid I'm coming to yet another crossroad.

So as I continue to proceed forward, I am struck with a terrifying thought. My death would solve everyone's problems... My wife could bury her husband - content in the knowing she stood by him till the end. My mother could bury her son and his memory would never be tarnished with the cursed woman that insisted she was her daughter... My faith tells me I can't do it,  but I keep thinking the macabre thought that my death would free them all.

Ultimately the hope that my fulfillment will make me a better spouse and and human being keeps me going. I choose to try everyday to keep the affections of my wife and strive to build a future we can both be proud of. I choose to hope. It may be myopic, but hope is my key to pushing towards tomorrow with an open heart and a serene mind.

So in all brevity, we all have a choice. Sometimes none of our options are good, and all the paths that follow them are painful, but we have to make them. We have to stand by them with fierce courage and fight on. Life or death. Hope or Despair. The choice is ultimately ours.

Oh Lord what did I dig into here for people?  So we all have a heart cry conflicted with the pain of dysphoria and the joy of being open and honest and real and sensitive and all that is precious in being transgender.  I know my stuff is less than so many of us here on the board since I can still present male without much pain, just discomfort, but my heart cries out for those who need to go all the way.... and I am in the mourning process for the man i buried when I transitioned, he is gone.... in self knowledge and honesty and estrogen I have become someone new, someone special, someone that has value, as did my former driven self... but that has changed from a center of constant pain to a new center of acceptance, love, understanding, new people to reach, maybe lives to be saved since you just never know what you say can help someone that reads and never posts.... you don't know the ripples of how your life touches others... they go on and on... and years later you find out someone was helped and it was because you dared open your mouth and risk being a fool by open honesty....

For the ones who suffer, doesn't it help that we are all here for you, that we absolutely get it, that we know the stakes, are in the fire together, and have a place to go where all can help, understand, support, pray, encourage.... safely, quietly, peacefully and sometimes with joy or tears.

We are special people.  Choices, no choices, seems like we sure as heck have no choice whatsoever about whether or not to be dysphoric, its all about how to live with it, celebrate it, smother it, wrestle with it.

I am terrified of the future but I am so very happy to be here and to have the support of my trans brothers and sisters here on Susan's.  It has made a huge difference and my unfocussed true gender has become focussed, real, and important through the many contributions, advice and encouragement I have received.

Self harm is not worth it, and we have each other if everything falls apart.  Nobody can take that away from us.

Love to all here.

I lost my mind trying to fight.  There wasn't much choice left.  You might say transition chose me, for a higher purpose and a valiant life.  I choose the way of courage and truth.  I risked everything I had, because I had to, in a desperate gamble for sanity.  And was blessed.

:)

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 26, 2014, 07:19:24 PM
One of the things that eats at me is whether I could have chosen not to transition and kept sane.  I don't think I could, but I dare not admit it either, since it was so painful for family.

So my question as a confirmed gender dysphoric on hormones is this:  Was there a wall or a point of no return for you with the dysphoria, or did you have a choice?  Or was the choice between great pain and conflict with testosterone and self image, and peace with your body?

I was willing to give up everything when I crashed with this.  Now I am not willing to give up my loved ones, yet cannot imagine attempting to stop hormones, nor do I have any desire to do so.  And for me its partial transition for family's sake, and based on the extent of my own dysphoria which permits me to be presentationally socially male.

Any thoughts or similar struggles?  I'll bet there are thousands.

Ok, there are 2 truths to this.

Truth #1 While yes we have a "choice" to transition, not transitioning has so many negative effects on us that, you can hardly call it a "choice." So no, we don't truly have a choice but to be ourselves and transition.

Truth #2 YOU didn't give up on your family, friends and acquaintances  (Unless you literally didn't try and make peace with them and try to show/explain to them how you being yourself is a matter of life or death etc. etc. etc.), your family, friends and acquaintances gave up on you! If someone can't accept and love you for who and what you are and still be there for you and in your life then it was they who gave up on you, not the other way around.

I have no idea if it's a choice anymore. There are a lot of days where I think of going back on everything and trying to be male. I try to be as rational about it as I possibly can, and I frequently omit any ethics from the thought process, only focusing on what would make me the happiest. I have nothing against it, I think the process just frequently feels like too much work and sadness. There are days I want to cut it loose and reclaim lost time.

Despite all of the internal conflict, I am subject to this creeping compulsion of pursuing female. It just happens. It feels like background noise at this point. I have no idea if it's a choice. All of the thinking I do makes me want to believe there is an element of choice, but my lack of fighting something so heavy in life makes me think I'm as a moth to the flame, and there is no choice.

I'm pre-everything at the moment and honestly feel like there's no decision to make; every day the desire to finally be myself becomes stronger and stronger. I've thought "could I live as a guy for the rest of my life?" for the past eight months and the answer has gone from "yes", to "maybe" to "hell no". I realised that the only reason that I didn't want to transition was because I was scared of what other people would think. After being severely depressed for the last half a year I've got to a point where I simply don't care any more: this is happening no matter what.

Quote from: CaitlinH on April 05, 2014, 06:31:49 PM
After being severely depressed for the last half a year I've got to a point where I simply don't care any more: this is happening no matter what.

Once you have this attetude the decision or, rather the need becomes clear. It surely did for me.

I tried to shun my TS thoughts until recently. Doing so only made me want to give up on life as time went on. Coming out and starting all this is a HUGE struggle but its definitely worth it as i feel like I'm becoming myself for once.

I want to say I have a choice but I think that's just because the road ahead of me is so freaking daunting.

I've had a lot of therapy. And that therapy has helped me sort out a lot of issues, but I have never been able to truly recover from my eating disorder. And death rate for eating disorders is high and I've already done life long damage to my body as a result of my behaviors. So do I have a choice? I was listening to NPR just today and they were talking to this woman who'd been recovered from an ED for 20 years. And it hit me. I could actually get there.  Since beginning transition, (early stages), I find I don't want to engage in those behaviors and the thoughts are infrequent. And I have one heck of a reason to leave it behind for once and for all, because I could finally get the body I've always wanted instead of the body I've always hated.

I'm all choked up right now. In a stupid way, I'm like "could it really be this simple?" And no, I'm not saying transitioning is simple but all the weigh ins and therapy and meal plans and nutrition appointments and now, finally, it's right here in front of me. I truly expected to be dead at this point in my life. I've been lucky. And now, I'm all excited to see my future.

Huh...funny seeing this

I just made this for my tumblr account the other day because "You had no choice" it is one of the most common things people say to me when they are attempting to be supportive, this covers my opinions on the "choice" debate :D


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ff1e8656ff61e0337c72f3e2628331be0%2Ftumblr_n3crmyhrJH1txotavo1_1280.jpg&hash=f33709f54038339ba30f000ce9811269e9aaa29f)

I've been making a few of these recently, thinking I might start a project to take similar sentiments/musings from others in the trans community ^^

http://delayedelaine.tumblr.com/

Quote from: Danniella on April 08, 2014, 06:12:52 AM
Huh...funny seeing this

I just made this for my tumblr account the other day because "You had no choice" it is one of the most common things people say to me when they are attempting to be supportive, this covers my opinions on the "choice" debate :D


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ff1e8656ff61e0337c72f3e2628331be0%2Ftumblr_n3crmyhrJH1txotavo1_1280.jpg&hash=f33709f54038339ba30f000ce9811269e9aaa29f)

I've been making a few of these recently, thinking I might start a project to take similar sentiments/musings from others in the trans community ^^

http://delayedelaine.tumblr.com/

That's awesome Danniella! ^^

All good stuff from my view in here.

I have made a choice to remain preop and stealth too.  Now we'll see what the test of time and gender dysphoria does with that.

Coming out was horrendous.  I had to do it with my insurance guy in detail yesterday and my hands started shaking uncontrolably, not too much, but it was obvioius.  He had already known, we are trying to make sure my HRT stays covered if they escalate the estrogen again.

Sitting in my study full transition right now.  My Lord it feels good.  I feel so "me".

Back to the disguise, off to work in the construction biz.  We'll see what the gay basher accross the hall does this time.  He keeps looking at me funny, very hostile.  Probably frustrated, and I probably got read somewhere along the line and he wants to confirm that.  Who knows.  Don't care anymore.  Middle fingers are longer with nails anyway....  oops that wasn't very nice.

Choosing agonizing pain and insanity vs choosing less and different pain and sanity.  Wow.

Quote from: Danniella on April 08, 2014, 06:12:52 AM
Huh...funny seeing this

I just made this for my tumblr account the other day because "You had no choice" it is one of the most common things people say to me when they are attempting to be supportive, this covers my opinions on the "choice" debate :D


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ff1e8656ff61e0337c72f3e2628331be0%2Ftumblr_n3crmyhrJH1txotavo1_1280.jpg&hash=f33709f54038339ba30f000ce9811269e9aaa29f)

I've been making a few of these recently, thinking I might start a project to take similar sentiments/musings from others in the trans community ^^

http://delayedelaine.tumblr.com/

I do agree there is always a choice and I do like that banner (Haven't clicked the link lol) but if I may, I think it's a good idea to point out we have a choice but, you also need to make it known how the "other choice" is like a death sentience to us, hence why even though it's a choice, it can hardly be called a choice because it's so hard on us. lol There is always a choice, just, the other choice sometimes isn't too pretty to say the least. lol

The reason I believe it's important to point out how bad the other choice is, is because often, people say "you have a choice" when "they" don't realize just how hard/bad the other choice is for us. Case in point, one of my friends and my Dad. :P The way people use it shows a lack of knowledge and a lack of something else and when you add religion to the people saying that, many a time even after telling them including showing proof/facts (Such as what psychs say), they simply don't listen and still think you aren't who you say you are and thus are making a "choice" that is crazy without hearing what we've been saying.

So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.

I had a choice, and I've always had a choice.  I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.

Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?

I've only recently, consciously, realized I'm a trans-woman. I've always been melancholy, knowing something was wrong. I grew up in a very working class, binary, black and white, right or wrong environment. I've had occasional flashes of knowing, of understanding, but quickly repressed them. I was genuinely surprised last December when I finally admitted to myself that at heart I'm a lesbian woman and not the man I seem to be.

So, no, no real choice except self denial, self delusion, and health destroying stress. My choices after almost 55 years of denying the truth to myself are to continue that or risk everything and be myself. I'm generally open about everything in my life with everyone, except...

I've been married to a wonderful woman who I love dearly for 34 years. I've told a few people, but not her. I DON'T KNOW HOW.

I'm so very scared!

Dee

Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:34:47 AM
So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.

I had a choice, and I've always had a choice.  I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.

Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?

I am in a similar space but low dose hrt has removed the intense dysphoria and taken me to a much better place.   Having chosen to address the dysphoria, to come out to my wife and to a few close friends I now have further choices.  I know that I will not return to being a classic male, and that I may become more feminine and less androgyne. I hope that I will be able to mindfully choose the best path for me.  Whether this means a full transition, only time will tell.  I am certainly happier than where I  was, but whether or not pursuing authentic self expression will lead me to a full transition or to a rich but non binary gender outcome is still unclear to me.  At least I am no longer obsessed with finding a binary answer.

Safe travels

Aisla

Although I feel I did have a choice, the idea of living the rest of my life as a man was horrendous to me!! I would never have committed suicide, however I know that if I had to live the rest of my life in a male body yhat I completely detest, I would have been completely miserable!!

I feel however that there really is no other option for me than to become female!! Ive tried living as a boy so many times, and every time it resulted in me being soo unhappy, and so angry and anxious! I just hate every second I have to spend as a male :/

Since coming to terms with being tranexual, I am starting to be at peace with myself!! Ive been living part time for 5 monyhs now, and I love not having to hide the true me!! I cannot wait to start on hormones, and im so happy that im becoming the woman I truely am!!

So to answer your question, yes I may havd hsd a choice. However the thought of not transitioning is so horrendous, that I feel I have to become the real me!!! I cannot fight the dysphoria any longer!! Im a woman inside, and the thought of not living as a woman is just horrible! X

Yah I had a choice, unfortunately I ended up regretting it :c

Quote from: Dee Marshall on April 08, 2014, 11:41:45 AM
I've only recently, consciously, realized I'm a trans-woman. I've always been melancholy, knowing something was wrong. I grew up in a very working class, binary, black and white, right or wrong environment. I've had occasional flashes of knowing, of understanding, but quickly repressed them. I was genuinely surprised last December when I finally admitted to myself that at heart I'm a lesbian woman and not the man I seem to be.

So, no, no real choice except self denial, self delusion, and health destroying stress. My choices after almost 55 years of denying the truth to myself are to continue that or risk everything and be myself. I'm generally open about everything in my life with everyone, except...

I've been married to a wonderful woman who I love dearly for 34 years. I've told a few people, but not her. I DON'T KNOW HOW.

I'm so very scared!

Dee

Dee you are going to need a lot of help and there is a lot of it here, I suggest you post in the introductions and ask for advice and you will get plenty of support.  As to coming out, that is best handled with the best shrink you can buy for starters to guide you through the process and save whatever can be saved... or even sometimes improved... with your current life and loved ones.

This dysphoria is intense for me and i don't screw around with it, I bring the best of the best in to help me learn to live with it and to learn how to break it to others.

The fear is normal.  And here we have another 55 year old hitting the wall... this is becoming a huge trend I think...and in my case I believe it was the DES womb partial transition.  Its all in that time window and now the drug is banned.  Was used to stop miscarriages.  They messed up in a huge way.

There are a lot of threads here to help you.

My advice is to find the best gender therapist you can and get to work before this bites you.  Trust me it will help you big time.

Be smart, come out under guidance...

And vent dear, let that fear out,  this is a safe place to do it

Best wishes

Quote from: sad panda on April 08, 2014, 02:42:54 PM
Yah I had a choice, unfortunately I ended up regretting it :c

Shrink just told me yesterday it was a really bad idea for me to do an orchi.  He said based on how well he knew me I would regret it.  I am cool with that I pay him to tell me the truth and I get it.

And then you post, poor thing.

Dont be sad dear.  We are here...

Unfortunately I had no choice unless you count death as a choice. Beside what I posted earlier as not being able to pass for male anymore a little over two months before beginning my hrt I began having those very familiar to me "life isn't worth living if I can't be female" thoughts and knew given my two previous suicide attempts were genuine but failures only because of quick action by neighbors and paramedics I wouldn't be here now, and since the "third time might be a charm" fearing I might actually succeed thought crossed my mind more than once, that if I don't do something to begin my transformation it was either start my hrt on my own or risk losing control. (Oh don't worry guys I now have an Endochronologist who is very experienced with transgender people monitoring my hrt -In fact I had my 3 month bloodwork done Yesterday). Sorry if my reply sounds a bit jumbled. I don't have a therapist yet and talking about this reeeaaly hurts, and realizing how close I was again scares me out of my skirt. I guess some would call it a choice. I chose LIFE!

Sorry for bringing anybody down. It wasn't my intention when I started my reply but these -I don't -well, handle those memories well. And they kind of creeped out.

Since beginning hrt/my transformation I haven't had any of those suicidal thoughts or urges. I've been happier than I've ever been, and I feel 30 years younger like I'm in my 20's again. It gave me a new lease on life. As some of you know I've just came back from vacation where I met the two best people in the world. And I'm feeling new and secure now with my future. I even went and got my hair and nails done today to treat myself a little.
So I guess Life is my choice. ;)

Ally

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on March 26, 2014, 09:21:44 PM
I don't think that I really had a true "choice". It was more like: "How long can I hold this off with whatever distractions I can come up with?" It started at 10 as far as the distractions went (music). Then at 15 it went to street drugs since I had also been battling suicidal thoughts for 5 years and they got stronger and stronger every year. I know that doing drugs isn't a good idea, but without that at the time, I would have never made it to 16, never mind making it to the age that I am now.

With the aid of those two things, I was able to make it through to age 29, but the thoughts were always there in the back in my mind. But I could cope with it. At age 29, the walls came crumbling down and I had one choice: Come out and initiate my transition, or be dead within a matter of months if not weeks. I came out to my mom on August, 3rd, 2006 and went from there.

I knew that by that time, I had no real choice. It truly was life or death and when those ARE your only options. It really isn't a choice anymore. It was more of a matter of survival than anything else regardless of the consequences.

My life at least distraction wise is like urs. Im 16 now. I think waiting till 29 would kill me to be honest. My life is full of distactions. Mostly mathematics since ive been clean for a good year and a hald (cheers narcotics anonymous) 

I've never had a choice. It's just who I am. Only problem is that I've not yet changed by body enough to feel normal. I will never feel normal until a normal woman's body including my GRS.

I am hitting the wall now and came out to my SO and adult daughters only in February. Our marriage is headed for disaster, and I see that I'm not the only on ein this situation. We may love our SOs but is that enough to live in this pain for the rest of our lives? I'm thinking not. Is it a choice. It's not a choice to be transgender. It is a choice over what you do about it. There will be suffering. It's about choosing the lesser suffering based on our own internal values. Those who don't value their personal authenticity over family, commitment, social standing etc will choose one path. Those who value the other more will choose the other. We don't choose to be transgender. Who the heck would? It hasn't been easy so far.

Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:34:47 AM
So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.

I had a choice, and I've always had a choice.  I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.

Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?

Darkness.  I was thinking about this today.  I don't think it is dark, I think it is something different, somehow.

This thread is a thread about courage.  Its about facing our worst stuff and living through them to find a life lived honestly.   Its about having the guts to stand up to a world that doesn't get it - and you full transition girls have a lot of guts to be able to pull that off.  I cannot.  If anything this thread has me locked in now on staying stealth, on hormones, with only a select few knowing what is under the mask I wear so well.   Maybe I can do that because I am a professional actor, I don't know why I can do it, but there is always the knowledge that I am very different from what they think they see, and my tolerance for intolerance is wearing very, very thin.  So my big act of courage has been coming out to that select few.  Only two people have seen me fully transitioned as a preop.  And that went exceedingly well.

So is it dark?  Unfortunately there are those who did the big opt out thing that can't post.  But we are the survivors and are here to help one another through whatever pain comes with having something as huge as this.

Most of the time I obsess about being trans.  95% of my non working thoughtlife is about trans.  I am trying to change that and its hard to do.  When I step back for a moment and look at where I am now, I am shocked.  Here I am with a woman's body and the untransitioned head of a male with a woman's nervous system and emotions and sensory perception.  Sexually.  I have nerves I think are somewhere else in the normies.  Too much going on between the legs, doesn't figure to me as male at all.

But when I realize what I have had to do to get here, and what I look like now, I am astounded.  And I still smile every time I look in the mirror - I can easily see through the face to whats underneath it, and those woman's eyes that look back...I saw those eyes for decades.  I used to hate them.  Now they give me joy.

I am still trying to process this stuff.  I am still trying to accept that this happened to me.  And yes, I have far too much to lose to fully transition.  Will it happen?  Depends on when the pain gets to critical mass, but I will do whatever I can to remain at peace no matter where this thing takes me.

Suicide was never an option.  But the odds of me being sober are about one in ten thousand.  It was stop drinking or die... at 25 years old.  I was going out dressed in a very dangerous area in NYC and making sure I passed out inside of my condemned appartment instead of outside the door.  I have 30 years of AA and they are helping me survive.  They don't know details... actually 4 do, but they know how to keep me from picking up again.  To drink for me is to die.  I could not get sober until I showed up at a meeting cross dressed and told them this is why I drank, eliminating that as an excuse to self destruct.  They just told me not to drink and to get a better wig.  That was 30 years ago.

And I must say, the hormones feel just wonderful.  That is what I tell my wife, they are absolutely medically necessary for me, and that is the truth.  They are.

A story of courage.  All of us.  Every one of us.  Lights in the dark.  :)

Quote from: Satinjoy on April 09, 2014, 09:00:16 PM
Darkness.  I was thinking about this today.  I don't think it is dark, I think it is something different, somehow.

This thread is a thread about courage.  Its about facing our worst stuff and living through them to find a life lived honestly.   Its about having the guts to stand up to a world that doesn't get it - and you full transition girls have a lot of guts to be able to pull that off.  I cannot.  If anything this thread has me locked in now on staying stealth, on hormones, with only a select few knowing what is under the mask I wear so well.   Maybe I can do that because I am a professional actor, I don't know why I can do it, but there is always the knowledge that I am very different from what they think they see, and my tolerance for intolerance is wearing very, very thin.  So my big act of courage has been coming out to that select few.  Only two people have seen me fully transitioned as a preop.  And that went exceedingly well.

So is it dark?  Unfortunately there are those who did the big opt out thing that can't post.  But we are the survivors and are here to help one another through whatever pain comes with having something as huge as this.

Most of the time I obsess about being trans.  95% of my non working thoughtlife is about trans.  I am trying to change that and its hard to do.  When I step back for a moment and look at where I am now, I am shocked.  Here I am with a woman's body and the untransitioned head of a male with a woman's nervous system and emotions and sensory perception.  Sexually.  I have nerves I think are somewhere else in the normies.  Too much going on between the legs, doesn't figure to me as male at all.

But when I realize what I have had to do to get here, and what I look like now, I am astounded.  And I still smile every time I look in the mirror - I can easily see through the face to whats underneath it, and those woman's eyes that look back...I saw those eyes for decades.  I used to hate them.  Now they give me joy.

I am still trying to process this stuff.  I am still trying to accept that this happened to me.  And yes, I have far too much to lose to fully transition.  Will it happen?  Depends on when the pain gets to critical mass, but I will do whatever I can to remain at peace no matter where this thing takes me.

Suicide was never an option.  But the odds of me being sober are about one in ten thousand.  It was stop drinking or die... at 25 years old.  I was going out dressed in a very dangerous area in NYC and making sure I passed out inside of my condemned appartment instead of outside the door.  I have 30 years of AA and they are helping me survive.  They don't know details... actually 4 do, but they know how to keep me from picking up again.  To drink for me is to die.  I could not get sober until I showed up at a meeting cross dressed and told them this is why I drank, eliminating that as an excuse to self destruct.  They just told me not to drink and to get a better wig.  That was 30 years ago.

And I must say, the hormones feel just wonderful.  That is what I tell my wife, they are absolutely medically necessary for me, and that is the truth.  They are.

A story of courage.  All of us.  Every one of us.  Lights in the dark.  :)

SatinJoy,  I'm at a loss for words. What a wonderful post that describes what many of us have gone through to get where we are today. Your right, I'm a survivor. I've survived my darkest periods in life to finally fully transform and live in the body I should have been in at birth. You have touched my heart and soul with your post. And your right, this thread is a story of courage, our story, and we are the lights in the dark. I thank you for these wonderful words of wisdom, from the bottom of my heart, and the depths of my soul. :icon_flower: I'm very happy your here with us to help us light the way to true happiness. :icon_bunch:

Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:34:47 AM
So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.

I had a choice, and I've always had a choice.  I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.

Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?

No. For me it is also a choice between a possibly tolerable existence and being happy, rather than necessarily being dead or alive. Over time I've realized that I'm not happy as I am, but I need not spend the rest of my life miserable, hiding from everything either. That's not to say I don't have things [frequently] occur that send me into an emotional tailspin, complete with suicidal ideation, but I've realized that gender typically isn't the direct cause. Rather, it's there behind the scenes eroding my self-image and my ability to believe in myself, while other things are more directly thwarting me.

While life isn't bearing down on me, I tend to do okay, though I wouldn't call my state good, as I never feel quite right about myself. Still, I can sort of manage, and in that sense, I certainly see pursuing transition as a choice. I will say that it would be nice not to feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me for a change.

I just came to an immovable road block. the only way around it was HRT.

I get the fundamentally wrong thing when I  compare myself to cis males or cis females.  I need to compare myself to other transwomen or transmen.  Then I realize I am not alone, and am almost trans-normal, certainly transnormal when you consider we are on a spectrum of trans as opposed to at the extreme end of it.

Thank God Susans is a place the recognizes and values that spectrum of truth.

My philosophy of life is that we always have a choice, but the question is at what cost. 

I sometimes have events that kind of shake me & I stop HRT for a few days thinking it will help me focus on the current problems better. However it rarely happens to help much so I'm trying not to have any day go by that I'm not taking my normal estrogen. I feel terrible if I go a day or two without estrogen. So for me there seems no choice.

I think I had a choice.
First option was to remain male and spend the rest of my life sad and wishing to be a female. The second option was to transition and finally be happy and spend the second part of my life in a body that represent what I am inside much better.
So for me it was rather a choice to have a better and more fulfilling  life, than life or death.
I have chosen second option and so far I didn't regret it for a second!

Quote from: Sarah84 on September 11, 2014, 05:41:00 AM
I think I had a choice.
First option was to remain male and spend the rest of my life sad and wishing to be a female. The second option was to transition and finally be happy and spend the second part of my life in a body that represent what I am inside much better.
So for me it was rather a choice to have a better and more fulfilling  life, than life or death.
I have chosen second option and so far I didn't regret it for a second!

You are smart to enjoy life while young. I never could find a way to completely break through early in life even though I've been female since an early child. Good for you GF.

Though newer here...and newer to my confirmation...my 2 cents.

It is a choice...for now...for me. I COULD live through being male for awhile and have never had a problem until now. I choose because I know that it is becoming less and less of a choice...because it is about my reconciliation with myself. I have been fortunate to never have it as bad as many others, but I also know...each time I think more about it, the tougher it gets, the stronger I need it, and the less I can go back to being male.

I am CHOOSING to pursue transition because I realize that it is a choice of being myself fully, or myself in hiding and only partially. This equates to transition or die a slow, miserable death inside. I choose happiness and true sense of self over denial and repression.

I wish I had a choice. The difference is night and day, and I had only put the tip of my toes into the pool... now I have no choice but to immerse myself.

I love many aspects of my life but I don't like this one. I wish it would just go away. So I am taking steps to do exactly that.

As I said before, sure we "have" a "choice" but, the other choice is so painful and can lead to our death that one can hardly CALL that a "choice."

An old thread revived. :)

Happy to see opinions from newer members too.

As I describe earlier here, for me it was either live, or die, I chose life so here I am -if you wanna call that a choice that is.

Best Wishes!

Ally :icon_flower:

People have already said here that they could either live or die and for most with a sound mind that is an obvious one. For me the choice was taken away by my wife. We'd lived with the knowledge I am Gender Dysphoric for 5 years since I paid for an assessment and had what I'd always known confirmed. Once a 2nd Psychiatrist had said the same in March 2007 she decided it was all too much for her to carry on knowing one day in our future I was going to have to do this and so she told me to go and do it while I was young enough to survive the op and still have some kind of life. My own moods and depression over it all had got too much for her. I worked away allot and I guess all she saw was me being moody and not the good days as they mostly happened while away on tour when I had access to my clothes and a chance to be me. You could say this didn't mean I had to transition right there and then and I honestly wasn't going to for probably 9 months as I wanted a full Summer when I could earn about 1000 UK Pounds a week to get myself financially right for it but again the wife intervened 3 weeks later by meeting a man and wanting her 2 sons and our daughter to meet him so she told our daughter I'd left them but wouldn't say why. 4 months later she wanted to spend time with her man who lived 500 miles away so I agreed to quit my job early and look after our daughter who at the time was 6 for the 6 week School Holidays but again she scuppered the plans by running off with our daughter the week before I was due to have her supposedly because she couldn't be without her but as the first letter I openned when I got home was from the bank informing me they were applying for a possession order for the house maybe she lied then too  :-\ I was granted a 3 night stay with our daughter in a hotel near them when she wanted to know why I left mummy and what I was going to do now so as my wife refused to help me with this one having been advised not to tell her without me I was left to explain all about me really being a woman. I gave her back that day and went full time 3 hours later. I think the reason for such a quick full time was because I wanted some control over my life which seemed to be ruled by a Psychiatrist and the actions of my ex wife and also because now my daughter knew it would be less confusing for her to now see a woman than a man. Because my daughter accepted me fully the ex wife did everything possible to stop me seeing her until one day she succeeded.
Yes not the best story but that's what caused my decision to transition and how it happened. Things got allot worse before they improved but I can honestly say there isn't enough money in the world to tempt to back to living as a man again

Sorcha

The decision to live as yourself is cast as a false choice by the hetronormative cistem that refuses to recognise other ways of being human and treats being cishet as the "normal" default. If it wasn't for the fact that we get programmed to view anything that isn't cishet as broken, or deviant or abnormal, how many of us would have reached the point where we had to transition or die?

There is no choice there just is.

I'll just agree with Jessica and go one further - my question back at you, Satinjoy. What will you do if/when you hit the wall internally and the choice becomes taking your own life or transitioning?

You better think about that now because if you wait til then you may make the wrong choice, and become part of the 41% of trans people who attempt suicide.

Any talk about suicide is so wrong. If alive you can help someone else & or help your self. No matter what the stress nothing is worth considering this option. NOTHING. Everyone on the planet has problems not just us transgendered people. Be strong & just do the best you can but enjoy life.

You talk like suicide is a rational choice

Quote from: Dread_Faery on September 13, 2014, 06:58:27 AM
You talk like suicide is a rational choice

While I agree that hearing a friend talk about suicide can be distressing, as someone who's been at the brink, twice, and nearly a third time, who can safely say if it weren't for the quick thinking of others I wouldn't be here writing this, that it's a loss of all hope that can drive one to consider a final desperate solution. It's easy to say talk of suicide is wrong, but maybe just maybe, if I'd had talked about how I was feeling at those times with even just one friend, I may have gotten the help I needed before diving off of that cliff, or before pulling the trigger. Feeling I couldn't talk about it, and thinking I had no one to talk to about it almost cost me everything, twice. Thankfully at least for now those feelings are far behind.

Therefore I sincerely urge anyone who is even thinking about suicide to talk to someone, anyone, even if you feel no one will listen or can understand talk to someone anyway please. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and terrible memories, but most important you might just save your life.

Sorry for the rant. But I've been there and if I can save even just one person from living with those memories I feel it well worth it.

Peace everyone.
Ally :icon_flower:

I've been swallowed by the void on numerous occasions and have only been called back through chance and luck. I've also been the one keeping someone from being swallowed by it... It's not rational, you can't ask for help because you're trapped in the darkness without hope or light, or... Anything. The fact it gets framed as being a choice, or selfish actually makes it harder to ask for help, it wasn't an accident that the person who pulled me back from the void the last time is someone I'd previously made a suicide pact with, I knew she'd understand me and wouldn't judge. If she hadn't have been there I would have died 2 years ago.

Suicide is a terrible thing, not because of the hurt suffered by those who remain, but because a person full of life and possibility has been reduced to such a state of emptiness that death is the only way out.

I had struggled with my gender identity since puberty, I had begged my family doctor for help me remove the female breasts and genitals, only to be told that no surgeon would perform on me because I am young and one day, I might turn around and say I want children. Having previously endured reoccurring nightmares of giving birth to children after being subjected to rape, this was the worst slap in the face.

I felt alone. So alone. I saw no future of me as a woman, only an empty shell of who I am, floating through the motions of life until Death knocks on my door.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you plan to commit suicide on your 18th birthday. Thankfully, being an avid Poke'mon fan, it was the 20th Poke'mon anniversary and I was having too much fun to worry about killing myself. Shortly after that, I hit rock bottom again. I tried soul-searching, looking deep within myself to find an answer - anything!

Something within told me, "If being a girl makes you so miserable, why not try being a boy?" I typed transsexual into Google (not really knowing what it meant either!) and one of the first pages came up was a website that was pink, filled with animated talking graphics and different pages documenting experiences of both MtF, FtM and other identities. I found a Chatroom and spoke to someone about my experiences. I was sobbing, in tears, I was so alone and scared with this new-found thought circling my head. The person quickly took me to a private tab and talked to me, reassured me and eventually, later on, the other members of the chat helped convince me to come out to my family so they could help me.

That website and that little chatroom belonged to Susan's Playground...  (I think it has since changed to Susan's Place)

Thank you, Susan's Place, you had helped me out of that very dark spot back then and even today, you continue to help, encourage and support me.

I made up mind to transition at the sharp end of a knife. It was transition or slitting my wrists...

Quote from: stephaniec on March 26, 2014, 07:30:06 PM
life or death

^^^This^^^. From my earliest memories I fought these feelings, but ultimately it always catches up with you.

There was definitely no choice in the matter. I finally leveled with those around me and made it clear I had to do this or I would kill myself (and that was completely honest). Now I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, I'm actually a happy, functional, productive member of society (whereas before I was a college-flunk-out, suicidal, depressed jobless loser) and things still only look up. The only thing that could bring me that low again would be if I somehow were forced to stop or detransition.

At the end of the day we all choose whether we transition or not, but nobody chooses to be transsexual. No one chooses to be a possible societal outcast. The choice isn't whether we stay our birth gender or transition, our real choice is whether we continue living in a state of depression and possible suicidal tendancies or do what we must to finally be happy and content with life. Transition is for most of us (myself included) the last option that we tried too long to ignore.

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 26, 2014, 07:19:24 PM
One of the things that eats at me is whether I could have chosen not to transition and kept sane.

    I'm sure I couldn't have counted as sane before transition. I had anxiety so bad that i routinely vomited trying to work up the nerve to talk to someone(say to try to get a job or when I was in school) and the last job I had only lasted 5 months before repeated panic attacks drove me to quit and basically just hide out in my room for a couple of weeks.

    There are of course still body image issues and dysphoria since I'm not even on HRT yet, but presenting properly erased 90% of my anxiety issues - I can actually interact with people face-to-face without having a panic attack afterwards. at my first meeting of a support group, I was comfortable speaking up and offering information, and even have casual conversation afterwards and I still felt fine. this would have been unthinkable in boy mode.

So I think I can safely say it was never a choice. It was a road I had to start on in order to properly live any kind of live worth living.

I just want to send a big THANK YOU to everyone who responded. All of your responses and the experiences you shared helped me immensely.

Suicide is no longer an option for me so my choices are transition or live a horribly miserable life. Even the thought of not transitioning is heart breaking for me.

Next week my therapist and I are going to dedicate the session to me starting HRT on my birthday which is in a couple of weeks. I'm really looking forward to doing that especially after reading so many responses about how life changing it is.

Quote from: Angelia_Michelle on September 19, 2014, 12:01:05 PM
I just want to send a big THANK YOU to everyone who responded. All of your responses and the experiences you shared helped me immensely.

Suicide is no longer an option for me so my choices are transition or live a horribly miserable life. Even the thought of not transitioning is heart breaking for me.

Next week my therapist and I are going to dedicate the session to me starting HRT on my birthday which is in a couple of weeks. I'm really looking forward to doing that especially after reading so many responses about how life changing it is.

Good luck and I hope it all goes well. I'm sure it will

Hugs

Sorcha  ;D