Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I did not particularly have the urge to 'not be a man', today. I realize I have days like this every now and then where I'm almost totally ok with myself. I think it has something to do with my mood, my libido or 'drive', if you will is very low today, I feel very calm, and I don't really feel very 'male'. I'm not really thinking about my body, or sex or anything like that.

BUT on days where I have more 'drive' (most days), I feel like a completely different person, the usual 'woman trapped in a man's body' thing feeling is strong. When I'm aroused, usually every morning, it feels good, but my mind thinks like a girl, and my body reacts like a boy, and when my body does this, is when I feel like I 'hate being a man', or 'want to be a girl', because I hate how my male body reacts to being aroused, (certain parts).

It was hard writing this post, because I had a tough time 'choosing the right' words. Instead of saying 'how my male body reacts', I could've said something else, but I chose not too  ;D . So please bear with me, let me know if you don't get it.

I can totally understand how you feel as you chose your words beautifully. I had those thoughts as well every single day. I think that is what finally wears us down and we pursue transition, our mind and body fighting itself constantly. :) you are by no means alone with that!

Thank you Jess.

Tomorrow I might go on a long rant about how I wish I was born female, that's how I felt on the day I registered here. Today I'm at peace with myself.... sort of....

Since there are so many of you here who don't/didn't identify with their body/gender, I was wondering if this is normal to have 'off days'? Do you or did you have days like this too? I'm so confused...

Quote from: MbutF on March 27, 2014, 03:05:34 PM
Since there are so many of you here who don't/didn't identify with their body/gender, I was wondering if this is normal to have 'off days'? Do you or did you have days like this too? I'm so confused...

Wait until you feel feminine, relaxed and normal then have to throw on 75 pounds of Firefighting gear and go all Alpha at a structure fire, AUGH!! No wonder we all hit the live or die moment. ;) You are very right about one thing, sex drive had a  lot to do with messing with my head, darn "T".

I also have to add...

On some days I'm like "male? female? it doesn't matter, life sucks, this world sucks, why even bother? give it up, life has no meaning", I feel this way when I'm depressed about something, like when my fear of mortality or something else that's troubling me kicks in.

you summarized exactly how i feel. I spent a good amount of this week not feeling my nomally feminine self, and then all of a sudden, I go to the gym, do my kickboxing and weight and I'm all revved up to go home and put on a dress to lounge about. It happens, somedays we feel so comfortable about being trans it doesnt feel like it bothers us anymore. I came to that conclusion recently. I can be confusing, but go with the flow my friend :)

take care

Quote from: jaybutterfly on March 27, 2014, 05:03:34 PM
you summarized exactly how i feel. I spent a good amount of this week not feeling my nomally feminine self, and then all of a sudden, I go to the gym, do my kickboxing and weight and I'm all revved up to go home and put on a dress to lounge about. It happens, somedays we feel so comfortable about being trans it doesnt feel like it bothers us anymore. I came to that conclusion recently. I can be confusing, but go with the flow my friend :)

take care

I'm back to being my normal self again.... your post was very comforting, thank you. One thing that always keeps me going is when somebody tells me 'yeah, I feel the same way to'.  :) People here understand me. :)

I have it as well. I go back and forth between being okay and not okay as a male, desiring/imagining life as a female and not. I don't know any more really.. maybe I'm really ''bigender'' which sucks because I never know what the next day has in store for me.

Quote from: Feather on March 28, 2014, 09:08:33 AM
I have it as well. I go back and forth between being okay and not okay as a male, desiring/imagining life as a female and not. I don't know any more really.. maybe I'm really ''bigender'' which sucks because I never know what the next day has in store for me.

Interesting, I have considered the 'bigender' tag but...

You never know, if you had the chance to live life as a female, would you even look back? I'm not sure if I would.

Having endured a very nasty tummy bug on Thursday night that had me in bed all day Friday I realised the last thing I felt like today was being out and about as a woman, so I went shopping for some essential supplies in "male drag" and high tailed it back home so I could be miserable and exhausted in non-gendered peace!

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 29, 2014, 01:15:43 AM
Having endured a very nasty tummy bug on Thursday night that had me in bed all day Friday I realised the last thing I felt like today was being out and about as a woman, so I went shopping for some essential supplies in "male drag" and high tailed it back home so I could be miserable and exhausted in non-gendered peace!

Hope you're feeling better now. :)

Quote from: MbutF on March 27, 2014, 09:17:01 PM
I'm back to being my normal self again.... your post was very comforting, thank you. One thing that always keeps me going is when somebody tells me 'yeah, I feel the same way to'.  :) People here understand me. :)

It's fine, it was comforting for me seeing I'm not the only one as well :) I find this place has been a very relaxing environment and has allowed me the space to stop grappling with my gender and trying to fight to go one way or the other. Just being trans doesn't mean you necessarily have to do anything about it, you're under no obligations from anyone :)

Quote from: Feather on March 28, 2014, 09:08:33 AM
I have it as well. I go back and forth between being okay and not okay as a male, desiring/imagining life as a female and not. I don't know any more really.. maybe I'm really ''bigender'' which sucks because I never know what the next day has in store for me.

See, I was leaning that way for a while, I think some of it can be bigender, but then again, we're socialized as our outwardly percieved sex so some of it can be struggling to overwrite trained habits. It's worth exploring though.

Only time I feel manly is at the gym but thats due to the testosterone boost from lifting and the overly masculine environments I grew up in (rugby, football, martial arts, not typical femme activities) but outside of that, it's skirts, long shirts and hair :)

MbutF Hugs,

You expressed how you feel very well.

My GD is in waves too. However, I can be triggered on a low period to high GD.

Sex drive was most definitely a large part of my GD and being on HRT has helped enormously. 

I think on a low day if I have no triggers and very busy with work I can get a lot of work done and my mind is very occupied and I am happy. On a high GD day I am now confronting the dysphoria as to what is happening, why and what am I doing to reduce the discomfort. An example is a specific look I really connect with, long light brown hair, fitted black leather jacket, fitted jeans and chestnut brown boots. When I see this I am triggered and I want that look and I have an intense desire for that look.

Quote from: MbutF on March 29, 2014, 12:15:10 AM
Interesting, I have considered the 'bigender' tag but...

You never know, if you had the chance to live life as a female, would you even look back? I'm not sure if I would.

Were I a female from the start I would probably not want to be a man, at least that's my assumption.

Quote from: jaybutterfly on March 29, 2014, 08:01:58 AM
See, I was leaning that way for a while, I think some of it can be bigender, but then again, we're socialized as our outwardly percieved sex so some of it can be struggling to overwrite trained habits. It's worth exploring though.

Yeah but I think for me it's more than that. There are days when I am okay as a male. It increases when I'm around attractive females.. then I don't want to be a female. Then I just feel effortlessly male inside without thinking. But yeah.. it's worth exploring both sides. I'm exploring how deep my desire for a feminine (outward) self is.

Sometimes I think of this in terms of the Roman god Janus. Only instead of having one face looking into the past and one into the future, we have one face looking inside ourselves and one looking outside, at the world. One introverted, one extroverted.

While maybe not the case for everyone, perhaps for some people with a different internal self-image from our external physical one, when something happens which makes one intimately aware of oneself on a physical level, the introverted face wakes up, and all its attention is focused on the personal. The visualisation of the self-image. Like a ray of sun through a magnifying glass. It becomies acutely aware of every nuance of emotion, every feeling of discomfort. This face sees into the darkest recesses of ones mind and shows all the things wished for, illuminating the self-image very strongly, and the dysphoria and discomfort of not matching that reflection of the psyche on the outside. Often to the point where the extroverted face begins to fall asleep and the dysphoria is all one can think about.

Conversely, when not doing something which draws attention to the disparity of ones physical sensations with our mental self-image, the extroverted face is wide awake, observing and interacting with the world. At those times the introverted face sleeps. And life becomes a constant shift in awareness from one to the other.

Perhaps for some, the choice to take the first steps in transition (which is partly what the god Janus represents), is reached when both of these faces see the same thing, come to the same conclusion, and agree on a course of action.

I've been reading Kate Bornstein lately and a question she asks is, "What does it feel like to be a woman?.  What does it feel like to be a man?"  Being a man felt horny to me in a very masculine way as well as other stuff.  Now that's gone, but I certainly cannot say I feel constantly a woman any more than I could have said I felt constantly a man, save for the horns.  Mostly I'm just me and mostly I'm neither a man nor a woman.  i really like it this way.

Quote from: jaybutterfly on March 29, 2014, 08:01:58 AM
It's fine, it was comforting for me seeing I'm not the only one as well :) I find this place has been a very relaxing environment and has allowed me the space to stop grappling with my gender and trying to fight to go one way or the other. Just being trans doesn't mean you necessarily have to do anything about it, you're under no obligations from anyone :)

It's all so stressful sometimes... but it helps when you know you're not alone.

Quote
Only time I feel manly is at the gym but thats due to the testosterone boost from lifting and the overly masculine environments I grew up in (rugby, football, martial arts, not typical femme activities) but outside of that, it's skirts, long shirts and hair :)

I only time I feel manly, is pretty much when I'm listening to aggressive music. I feel 'tough'. lol. :)

Quote from: Sephirah on March 29, 2014, 08:26:56 PM
Sometimes I think of this in terms of the Roman god Janus. Only instead of having one face looking into the past and one into the future, we have one face looking inside ourselves and one looking outside, at the world. One introverted, one extroverted.

While maybe not the case for everyone, perhaps for some people with a different internal self-image from our external physical one, when something happens which makes one intimately aware of oneself on a physical level, the introverted face wakes up, and all its attention is focused on the personal. The visualisation of the self-image. Like a ray of sun through a magnifying glass. It becomies acutely aware of every nuance of emotion, every feeling of discomfort. This face sees into the darkest recesses of ones mind and shows all the things wished for, illuminating the self-image very strongly, and the dysphoria and discomfort of not matching that reflection of the psyche on the outside. Often to the point where the extroverted face begins to fall asleep and the dysphoria is all one can think about.

Conversely, when not doing something which draws attention to the disparity of ones physical sensations with our mental self-image, the extroverted face is wide awake, observing and interacting with the world. At those times the introverted face sleeps. And life becomes a constant shift in awareness from one to the other.

Perhaps for some, the choice to take the first steps in transition (which is partly what the god Janus represents), is reached when both of these faces see the same thing, come to the same conclusion, and agree on a course of action.

I'm speechless..  :) That was a great post.

When I'm around girls, or when I even SEE a girl, I just 'change' immediately. I think it reminds me of what I am on the outside, and my outside's 'shortcomings', if you will. It's a bit of jealousy, admiration and of course, frustration. My female mind just can't connect with my male body... when this happens. It makes me so depressed, sometimes....  :(

Right now, I'm alone, on my pc, browsing the internet, I'm fine..... I am free to feel however I want... I don't have any 'drive' right now, so I don't feel like a male... or female... I feel neutral, I think ALL people feel neutral most of the time, i'm not sure though.