Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Unice on March 31, 2014, 02:45:01 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Was I here
Post by: Unice on March 31, 2014, 02:45:01 PM
Post by: Unice on March 31, 2014, 02:45:01 PM
I have been outcast since early childhood. My life has been a continuous
repetition of me encountering people, developing emotional attachments to them
almost immediately then being either hated or pitied briefly before being
hated by them as well.
In my career I have been treated as a novice for 30 years. I am talked
over. People dismiss my advice then accept it when someone else says what I
said. I am talked about in the third person. If I stick up for myself I am
considered outrageously selfish.
In new attempts at socializing I am typically tolerated until people hear or
read what I say and think about it for a while, after which I am cast out.
I can't help it that I love people, even though they hate me. "I liked you,
you didn't like me" should be tatooed on my face.
It seems to be that the people that I love are guided by their worship of
abstract hierarchy and not human interaction. We are work buddies, where their
work is jockeying for position within the herd.
Being my friend is a chore as I negatively impact their social standing and to
interact with me means venturing out to talk to the exiled one. After some
time it becomes impractical and the friend is gone. Their hatred then becomes
apparent if I reach out to them.
Now a generation of people are alive who have never lived outside of
totalitarian rule. As privacy is necessary for sanity, people do their best by
obscuring meaning in all their interactions, by which process they achieve
separation from each other while maintaining the illusion of community.
Communication takes the form of mimicry. Learning from concepts has never been
imagined by the recent generation and those who have adapted their mindset to
it. So, a fundamental incapatibility comes up when I automatically and
repeatedly seek to initiate the communication ritual.
In theory I can do the mimicry too. I could watch the facade being interacted
with by other facades. This is worse than being in solituded.
Friendship of sorts happened in the past when it was with lovers, because we had
agreed to a partnership. But, it is now the post-lover era.
To some extent this is a relief. Making love with my lovers was always an out
of body experience for me. It didn't really matter that I have a crude probe
thing sticking out of me. It was the she generating love and pleasure with the
he's instrument. I did enjoy being on the receiving end with boys, not because
I lusted after them, but because it was still the she generating love and
pleasure with the he's instrument.
Now that I am at the post-friendship age, I can personify the she in some
fashion and be unconfused by incongruous demands on me to act out social
scenes.
Still, out in the vast ocean of hatred there is an infinitesimal speck on an
infinitesimal speck on another infinitesimal speck. And, that speck is another
outcast. Even if we never meet, imagining their existence serves as my notion
of community and sustains me for now.
repetition of me encountering people, developing emotional attachments to them
almost immediately then being either hated or pitied briefly before being
hated by them as well.
In my career I have been treated as a novice for 30 years. I am talked
over. People dismiss my advice then accept it when someone else says what I
said. I am talked about in the third person. If I stick up for myself I am
considered outrageously selfish.
In new attempts at socializing I am typically tolerated until people hear or
read what I say and think about it for a while, after which I am cast out.
I can't help it that I love people, even though they hate me. "I liked you,
you didn't like me" should be tatooed on my face.
It seems to be that the people that I love are guided by their worship of
abstract hierarchy and not human interaction. We are work buddies, where their
work is jockeying for position within the herd.
Being my friend is a chore as I negatively impact their social standing and to
interact with me means venturing out to talk to the exiled one. After some
time it becomes impractical and the friend is gone. Their hatred then becomes
apparent if I reach out to them.
Now a generation of people are alive who have never lived outside of
totalitarian rule. As privacy is necessary for sanity, people do their best by
obscuring meaning in all their interactions, by which process they achieve
separation from each other while maintaining the illusion of community.
Communication takes the form of mimicry. Learning from concepts has never been
imagined by the recent generation and those who have adapted their mindset to
it. So, a fundamental incapatibility comes up when I automatically and
repeatedly seek to initiate the communication ritual.
In theory I can do the mimicry too. I could watch the facade being interacted
with by other facades. This is worse than being in solituded.
Friendship of sorts happened in the past when it was with lovers, because we had
agreed to a partnership. But, it is now the post-lover era.
To some extent this is a relief. Making love with my lovers was always an out
of body experience for me. It didn't really matter that I have a crude probe
thing sticking out of me. It was the she generating love and pleasure with the
he's instrument. I did enjoy being on the receiving end with boys, not because
I lusted after them, but because it was still the she generating love and
pleasure with the he's instrument.
Now that I am at the post-friendship age, I can personify the she in some
fashion and be unconfused by incongruous demands on me to act out social
scenes.
Still, out in the vast ocean of hatred there is an infinitesimal speck on an
infinitesimal speck on another infinitesimal speck. And, that speck is another
outcast. Even if we never meet, imagining their existence serves as my notion
of community and sustains me for now.