Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Who didn't know they were male at a really young age? I dont recall realizing it that young as much as I can remember... i know this really doesnt mean anything but I never had a problem with "girly" stuff  as a kid...loved playing dolls and wearing dresses and playing with other girls... The only thing I remember liking was being the dad or husband when playing house with my friends, but didnt think it meant anything...I started feeling kinda weird when puberty hit though...like hating my boobs and my period but I just thought that was a normal part of growing up...which brings me to another question...were you ever in a huge denial about this? I feel like I always had an explanation for things...like "oh I just hate myself in general" when really it was I hated the girl I was pretending to be..or why can't I relate to girls as friends? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not a girl....and then also, did you really not know that you were trans? I didn't officially start to accept and understand this until maybe 4 or 5 years ago but before that, I drove myself insane wonderin why I was so depressed and couldn't relate to anyone and why i had no confidence as a girl...not knowing what's wrong is really frustrating...plus I was really good at being in denial and like I said, having some other reason for something when deep down it was gender related....also, I still have brief periods where I feel feminine which makes this even more frustrating and confusing but I don't know if those brief periods are just a part of me still being denial or that I've been fem for so long and I'm just used to that persona...I know I need to see a doctor which I contacted one and will see her ASAP..I was just wondering if anyone can relate to my experience

Another thing I forgot to say was never feeling like I was making any true or authentic relationships with people because I wasn't being myself...really it was almost like I was living a lie looking back even though I didn't know what was wrong...just such unhappiness and emptiness all the time

You're definitely not the only one! When I was little all my friends were male, I played with transformers and loved football. I didn't identify in any way as a girl until, like you, after hitting puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Facial hair just disgusted me and I was shaving often twice a day just to get rid of it.

I think that for those of us who displayed gender expression that was in alignment with our birth sex, we don't normally notice that there's something wrong until hitting puberty. When we start developing characteristics that define masculinity and femininity, our dysphoria begins and we start to realise that something isn't right. Like you I also went through a long period of denial, becoming hyper-masculine to try and blend in.

While I was unsure of my gender identity and in doubt as to whether or not I should transition, I kept feeling like I was male on some days. I think it's a natural reaction to making a major life decision, but yeah going to see a professional is a really good idea.

Yeah I'm the same. Didn't really know until 19 but the growing up years are all a blur. Then I got real withdrawn and depressed in highschool to the point I had to be home schooled to finish it up.

CaitlinH

That makes me feel better that you didn't feel different until after puberty and I've seen people like us but then the majority says they knew very young...you make a good point that puberty would bring the gender dysphoria feelings on more intensely which I thought about that once too..the denial
Sucks and has driven me pretty crazy honestly but atleaSt now I know I have to accept this, it's not going away :/

Quote from: Alexthecat on April 08, 2014, 02:37:37 AM
Yeah I'm the same. Didn't really know until 19 but the growing up years are all a blur. Then I got real withdrawn and depressed in highschool to the point I had to be home schooled to finish it up.

Wow that's exactly how I was in high school, I was so depressed that by the time I graduated I was ghostly pale and basically looked like death...idk how I even made it...everything makes sense now looking back

Yeah, there seems to be two groups of us: the ones who know from an early age and the ones who start to notice during or slightly after puberty. When I was first looking into being trans I was really confused by the fact that I didn't have these feelings from a young age, however from what I've seen it's actually pretty common. I don't have enough experience to say whether or not it goes away, but my suspicion would be that it's always going to be there like you said.

I knew during puberty because of a tv show. The only thing that stopped me from saying anything then was the fact that all the FTMs on the show were in straight relationships. I already knew I was attracted to guys, and because of other things, though, well you can't be an FTM if you're not attracted to females. :p

It took nearly another ten years before I was really able to confront everything and say, hey wait a minute. You can be a guy and be gay too. :p

To add on for me the life saver was getting on shots to stop the periods. Then I moved out of my moms cause shes the type you can't live with. Then I got a job and a year later I got my top surgery with the money I made. I think this is my 4th maybe year on the shots so a lot happened from 19-22. Now I will get my name changed and then maybe T. Still deciding if I want a middle name.

Quote from: Charliedogist on April 08, 2014, 03:59:26 AM
I knew during puberty because of a tv show. The only thing that stopped me from saying anything then was the fact that all the FTMs on the show were in straight relationships. I already knew I was attracted to guys, and because of other things, though, well you can't be an FTM if you're not attracted to females. :p

It took nearly another ten years before I was really able to confront everything and say, hey wait a minute. You can be a guy and be gay too. :p

Yeah nothing red flagged in school because I liked guys so I had to be a girl. If I would of liked girls it probably would of connected me with the LGBT earlier.

Hey man  :icon_wave:
We're not far different at all. I happened upon a documentary a few years ago about ->-bleeped-<- (found myself in one of those weird places on YouTube after searching for something completely unrelated) and the guys and girls on there said they knew from a young age. I instantly dismissed being trans because that's how I expected it to be like. These people had such intense reactions to being born the way they were that they told their mothers as kids that they were the opposite gender to their sex. The only clues I had as a kid were that I wanted to be mistaken for a boy, wanted to use the boy's toilets, and felt constantly jealous of other boys. Getting me to wear a training bra at 12 was a nightmare for my mum. I felt like I should have been with the boys in sex education. I've not yet discussed it with my mum, but I'm sure there are other giveaways from my childhood that I've forgotten about/never noticed. Maybe if you ask your mother she might be able to shed some light on your childhood and growing up as a boy in the body of a girl.

I guess it doesn't have to be as intense as the guys and girls in documentaries to mean you're any less trans than they are. I feel like we've had easier, but I found once you make that realisation...that there's no going back and you know exactly what you want, even if some days you will heavily doubt yourself. It's also not uncommon for trans guys to feel attracted to males. I am. I don't mind it one bit. But yes, it's misleading when you're growing up as a 'straight female' but feel like you're a boy. It's like the two shouldn't mix. But it happens, and it doesn't mean you're any less male than the trans guys who are straight.

I did not, in fact, I did know I was different, but I assumed it was other things. I am autistic, for instance. It does explain a lot, but actually not everything. I got along by living androgynously, and actually still am androgynous in many respects except that I am on T and had top surgery. I feel much more inside my body but still feel that my gender is a little less binary than some people here might feel. I think it might be harder for people to get it if they are in this position, as there are fewer models and so on. I also didn't know that there were FTMs. Even when I found out about Chaz Bono, he was kind of the exception that proved the rule. There were MTFs and Chaz Bono. LOL.

--Jay

As mentioned earlier, you certainly are not alone on this. When I was young I had no clue what was going on. I had a strange feeling of disconnect from my nether regions and it took me a year or two after hitting puberty to come to terms with what I later found out was severe dysphoria.
These things are often never described or explained to us as children since most people don't experience them, and so we don't necessarily have the language accessible to express how we feel until later in life. I wouldn't let it get to you-I struggled with this early on in my transition and am coming to realize it doesn't invalidate how I feel in any way whatsoever.

You are definitely not the only one. I'm still what they consider young but when I was a kid, I kind of thought of what it was like being a boy and all that but I never really put it together. I still thought about even after puberty, still hadn't put it together. I even went through the idea that I was just depressed, though I never really had a chance to talk to anyone about it either. For the longest time, I thought my feelings that I'm the wrong gender were just a phase, something I had to grow out of. I only recently figured out that it never was a phase and everything has started to become clear.

Didn't know I was male until 18. Never had any feelins or anything until late 17/early 18 when I started feelin androgynous/genderless and then that evolved to me feelin male. I was insecure for awhile about not knowin since childhood, but with time and seein that there were others like me, I got over that.

It just unlocked or sumthin for me. And I've never been more aware and aligned within myself (even tho my body isn't completely in alignment with how it should be).

Me bein feminine and likin' guys has never had me thinkin I wasn't a guy either.

Quote from: Ruthven on April 11, 2014, 01:26:37 PM
Me bein feminine and likin' guys has never had me thinkin I wasn't a guy either.

(kind of completely unrelated, but on a philosophical note)

Thats an interesting thought that some other guys had said as well. 

I wonder how being gay and trans ("cis straight") and being straight and trans ("cis gay") effects the trans realization/acceptance process... 

I told my parents I was a boy as soon as I could talk... so I guess other than that little thought I don't have much productive to say in this thread other than that I don't think it at all undermines your trans-ness to have not rejected female things/known you were a boy at a small age. 

I also didn't know I was a boy as a kid. I knew I was different, but I was different in other ways too and figured that was it. I guess everyone told me I was supposed to be a girl, so I figured I was supposed to be a girl.

When I look back on my childhood I can definitely see signs early on but I don't think that I thought of myself as literally being a boy. I think I was happy being a girl because my parent's basically let me do and wear what I wanted, so I didn't really have a lot of girly toys or clothes anyway. I spent most of my time reading books, building with lego, riding bikes, splashing in puddles and climbing trees. I put together a photo slideshow for my 21st and got told afterwards that some of the pictures that mum had sent me to put in it were actually of my older brother. Apparently neither of us could tell the difference. I also still have a scar on my bottom lip from when I decided to try shaving my face at the age of 7 or 8, so I guess there must have been something going on even then. Despite all this though I just can't remember whether I thought I was a boy or a girl, I guess maybe I just didn't think about it.

Although I often acted more male as a kid, I think that when I went through puberty was the first time I really felt uncomfortable with being female.

I also find it really interesting how many people have said that being interested in guys delayed them realising that they were one. The same thing happened to me, I knew I was primarily interested dudes, and the best way to get guys to date you is obviously not to be one, so being acting girly made more sense.

I had many stereotypically male interests and some female interests as well. But once puberty hit is when I got really angry and depressed and I had no idea why. You're not alone in that, and neither am I or any others who responded now yay. :)

I didn't "know" until I was much older. But I've had a male identity/alter ego ever since I can remember.

I didn't have any concept of being a boy when I was little. I was just me, and most of my friends were boys and we played hot wheels. Then things got weird when we all got older and the boys didn't really play with me any more, I didn't ever fit in with the girls and just got very depressed and sad and became a loner.

Until I realized finally, at 38, what the heck was wrong.

Quote from: CaitlinH on April 08, 2014, 02:58:37 AM
Yeah, there seems to be two groups of us: the ones who know from an early age and the ones who start to notice during or slightly after puberty. When I was first looking into being trans I was really confused by the fact that I didn't have these feelings from a young age, however from what I've seen it's actually pretty common. I don't have enough experience to say whether or not it goes away, but my suspicion would be that it's always going to be there like you said.

Frankly, for FTM's I think this is where the  ->-bleeped-<- argument comes from. "If you didn't feel this way before you were interested in sex, it must simply be a sexual fetish."

Growing up, I always felt different and isolated. I didn't really desire to be a girl until puberty, though. I didn't try to become hyper-masculine in response, but I did think it was really important to be in a relationship, as though that would somehow fix things. Being in a relationship was just confusing and uncomfortable most of the time, which just served to confuse me since my attractions are definitely toward women.

So, yeah, I didn't "know" as a toddler. I don't think that invalidates my present condition, though. It simply adds to the confusion.

Have a great weekend, all!

Cheers,
Tegan

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 12, 2014, 12:54:47 AM
Frankly, for FTM's I think this is where the  ->-bleeped-<- argument comes from. "If you didn't feel this way before you were interested in sex, it must simply be a sexual fetish."

That makes no sense for several reasons. 1. We're guys. The  ->-bleeped-<- argument shouldn't come in at all. 2. Not everything revolves around sex. Seriously, if transphobes were trying to give the impression that they are perverts and completely obsessed with sex, they've succeeded. I wish they'd stop because they creep me out. 3. I know from myself and talking to people here that there are asexual trans men, trans men with no libido, and genophobic trans men. If we feel this way regardless of interest in sex, there is no reason to connect it to sex in any way.

You're not the only one. I had a very unisex childhood; my brother and I always played with all the same toys and neither one of us did any gendered sports or activities. I never wore dresses, but I did wear girly/pink shirts and stuff.

It took me until shortly after puberty, during late middle school, to realize what was up. I didn't start transitioning until recently because I was also dealing with depression and then other mental stuff I needed to work through first.

I never thought about sexual orientation slowing down realization, but I can see how that would make sense. For the record, I'm pansexual with a strong preference for guys.

Quote from: Edge on April 12, 2014, 10:43:11 AM
That makes no sense for several reasons. 1. We're guys. The  ->-bleeped-<- argument shouldn't come in at all. 2. Not everything revolves around sex. Seriously, if transphobes were trying to give the impression that they are perverts and completely obsessed with sex, they've succeeded. I wish they'd stop because they creep me out. 3. I know from myself and talking to people here that there are asexual trans men, trans men with no libido, and genophobic trans men. If we feel this way regardless of interest in sex, there is no reason to connect it to sex in any way.

Edge,
Okay, sorry, I wasn't clear. I'm MAAB, so if/when I transition I'll be MTF. I brought up  ->-bleeped-<- because for MTF's it's a term that is used to invalidate transgender feelings if they arrive after puberty. I'm not sure what the FTM equivalent term of that would be (tomboyism?). My real point was that just because these feelings, whether FTM or MTF, might come later in life for some of us does not make those feelings any less valid. That's all.

Sorry if I didn't communicate effectively. I was tired.

Have a nice Saturday!

Cheers,
Teg

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 12, 2014, 12:41:04 PM

Edge,
Okay, sorry, I wasn't clear. I'm MAAB, so if/when I transition I'll be MTF. I brought up  ->-bleeped-<- because for MTF's it's a term that is used to invalidate transgender feelings if they arrive after puberty. I'm not sure what the FTM equivalent term of that would be (tomboyism?). My real point was that just because these feelings, whether FTM or MTF, might come later in life for some of us does not make those feelings any less valid. That's all.

Sorry if I didn't communicate effectively. I was tired.

Have a nice Saturday!

Cheers,
Teg

On Susan's, and at in-person support group meetings, I often see people accidentally swapping the acronyms MTF and FTM. It sure does cause a lot of confusion.

The equivalent of  ->-bleeped-<- would be autoandrophilia.

And just now I noticed the typo that caused all the confusion. Very sorry about that (kind of a big diff in MTF and FTM). What can I say? I feel silly. Don't type tired, I guess.

Autoandrophilia, huh? Thank you- I learned something today. :)

Teg

Quote from: Edge on April 11, 2014, 05:19:57 PM
I also didn't know I was a boy as a kid. I knew I was different, but I was different in other ways too and figured that was it. I guess everyone told me I was supposed to be a girl, so I figured I was supposed to be a girl.

This.
I didn't figure out I had significant gender issues until I was about 25.
Though looking back there were clues. I used to stand in front of the mirror in middle school in jeans and no shirt or anything and pretend I was a male model (lol), I always preferred playing and competing with boys when I was younger, and most girls were a mystery to me... But I figured I was just a general weirdo/nerd, and though I somehow became reasonably popular in highschool and college that feeling of differentness always stayed with me.

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 12, 2014, 03:34:11 PM
And just now I noticed the typo that caused all the confusion. Very sorry about that (kind of a big diff in MTF and FTM). What can I say? I feel silly. Don't type tired, I guess.

Autoandrophilia, huh? Thank you- I learned something today. :)

Teg

lol No worries. Sorry I kinda went on a rant. Aside from the typo part, it wasn't meant to be directed at you. I was reminded that there are people out there who say shtuff about philias and trans people and I seem to be a little more sensitive than usual lately. I need to work on that.

I tip my hat to you, sir. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Teg

I'm one of the ones that knew early on that there was something quite different about me . I didn't fit in the role that society said I was supposed belong to. I know the explosion of dysphoria hit like a nuclear weapon when puberty arrived. My brain wanted to go one way and my body was this concrete bock that wouldn't shape the way I wanted it to. The more I read posts about puberty on this forum the more I realize I needed professional help. Like everyone else I wish I would of known about the passage way to correct my body. What ever, I finally made it so its all good.

Yep, same. I never really felt like a girl, but I was always of the understanding that I'm female, therefore I'm a girl, no matter what. So I didn't think I was a boy because I 'knew' that wasn't possible. When puberty hit, I actually didn't feel that bad, because not a lot changed, really. My breasts were absolutely tiny, so I was happy about that because I knew it was way better than having bigger breasts. So even puberty wasn't something that made me feel particularly bad. Six years ago, I got sick and started to put on quite a bit of weight, and now my breasts are...still small, but huge by my standards. I've hated them and felt quite bad about them since then, because then they weren't these tiny things, they are actual breasts and that sucks. Mostly, I just hated myself. I hated myself when I was a kid, and I hated myself all the way up to very recently. I didn't know why I hated myself, but it started to fade away when I realised I was trans and start taking tiny steps towards living as I should be living, so it seems very likely that that's the reason.

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 12, 2014, 12:41:04 PM

Edge,
Okay, sorry, I wasn't clear. I'm MAAB, so if/when I transition I'll be MTF. I brought up  ->-bleeped-<- because for MTF's it's a term that is used to invalidate transgender feelings if they arrive after puberty. I'm not sure what the FTM equivalent term of that would be (tomboyism?). My real point was that just because these feelings, whether FTM or MTF, might come later in life for some of us does not make those feelings any less valid. That's all.

Sorry if I didn't communicate effectively. I was tired.

Have a nice Saturday!

Cheers,
Teg

Nope, there is no (real) equally offensive term for a FAAB person. Tomboy isn't offensive to anybody (except maybe if you know you aren't a girl) and has no sexual reference. MAAB people experience more discrimination and hatred transgressing gender norms (in any way). I am hoping the next generation is getting this a little. You might be able to "share that term" by changing latin terms  (i.e. autoandrophilia) , but it's not a term very many people use on trans males (to my knowledge) or that we would want. It means basically you aren't *really* trans but that you have self sexual love for the idea of being a woman (man). Incredibly incredibly offensive. I believe some psychiatrists still use it or at least the concept. There are definitely people who don't know until puberty or later. They are correctly called "people who didn't know until after puberty".


--Jay

Al, that was the entire point I was trying to make, that  ->-bleeped-<- and autoandrophilia are bull->-bleeped-<- terms that serve to invalidate what many of us are going through, simply because these feelings caught up with us later in life. We're all on the same page here.

Happy Sunday,
Teg

When I was real young I played most of the time like a boy, but I also really liked girls things also (I loved shiny things). You could say I was androgyne, depending on who I played with I was more boyish or more girlish.

When I entered puberty I also noticed that I didn't really feel that I was a boy. Also I had a crush on my best friend (as a girl as I coudn't see myself as a boy loving him) and I saw myself in dreams as a girl (or that I changed into a girl). I didn't knew about transgenders, I only thought there were strange old men out there that dressed as a woman for fun (no offence crossdressers and like, just my small minded thoughts when I was a 13 year old). Because of that I thought it might be just a phase and denied it with all my strength. I desperately tried to be more masculine that I failed horrible and because of that I had 1 friend who was like me, an outcast (my best friend went to live in Spain with his father). I lived after that almost always behinde a computer screen so that I could somewhat deal with me living a lie.

I'm living as a woman now, but I still have that androgyne trait. I act more feminine with my female friends and a bit more masculine with my male friends.

If I hadn't had my dad sexualizing me from a young age (and I mean young) I probably would have identified as boy. At school, when there was a boys and girls line I did keep trying to get in the boy. so, I knew I was a girl but mostly didn't identify that way. When puberty hit, I actually kind of got resigned to the fact I was a girl. I mean, my body was changing (yuck) in ways I couldn't deny.

I pretty much grew up until puberty not really even caring I was female or male. It never crossed my mind and just enjoyed life as it came. Puberty hit and the bottom dysphoria set in for me but I had literally no clue what transgender or even gay was at the time so I just dismissed it. I noticed as I hit 15 and up though I started leaning towards boy oriented things and the dysphoria never went away. Then life kind of caught me into this wtf era for the next 12 years where I just didn't care anymore. I was dealt the hand I was in life and I'm just going to try and live with it type of deal.

Then about I'd say 2-3 years ago I came across ftm stuff, namely bottom surgery topics and info and things just started clicking and it really began to eat at me. I'd sit there countless nights at times wondering where I fit in with the world and my self and why I hated practically everything about everything. Finally about a year ago it clicked by just me getting my hair cut as a guy for once. Go figure, changing 1 little thing would finally get my gears going so to speak. Spent that year really asking my self, in denial if this was what I was supposed to be.

This year, I came out to my husband and kids and family and everything as been 100% better. I'm 27 now and it took me a long time to figure it out, but I'm glad I did. So I guess I was a late bloomer.

Everyone is different ya know? When I was young I hated Girly things.
I hated pink. (The color of course)
I hated Playing with dolls.
I even hated being called a girl.
I didn't mind playing with girls..(to a certain extent)
As I got a little older like 10/11 I didn't mind "Girly" things.
This was probably because my mom was forcing to wear Girly clothes.
And play/Have more girl friends.
Even though I didn't mind, I always had the mind and heart of a guy.
My female friends would tell me this as well.
During puberty is when i started rejecting all things female.
My breast embarrassed me. And my period was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
I was extremely depressed when it happened.. I knew I was a dude on the inside. But I decided I was just gonna be lesbian when I got older. Until I found out what transgender was..
We're all different. And we find our "true" selves in different ways.
Not all transguys were tomboys. And not all of us are Extremely macho manly.
It doesn't make us less of men.