Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm sure most of you were hiding/are hiding at some point. That is something everyone has to go through. Keeping all these secrets, is very unhealthy and draining :) it saps away all my energy, and it can overwhelm me at times. I really can't do much right now, I have to wait a few years (or more) before I can even deal with my problems. Here are just a few things I do

Physically : There's not much I can do, I've grown out my nails, I have nice hands, so when I'm typing this, the sight of my elegant hands makes me feel good. A few years ago I wore a ring on my thumb, but I lost it somewhere, there was no spiritual connection with it anyway, I shave often, and if my reflection looks good, It really dictates how the rest of the day will be for me. I want to get my ears pierced, my mom even gave me the 'go for it', but I'm holding back for professional reasons. That's all I can do. I can't crossdress, or wear mascara or anything at the moment, it's too risky, even though the urge is very very high. I wear nice clothes, and I have a good slim body that I'm pretty happy with.

Emotionally : I was all alone most of my life, until I found out there are sites on the internet for people like me, at first I just hovered around, but never really registered or posted, as I was too scared. I gathered enough courage to do so, and so now I'm here. I like to talk, I like to tell it all, I like speaking to people who understand me, if they tell me they 'know what I'm going through', it means a heck of a lot to me, emotionally. Besides, if I didn't have any people to talk to, I'd... burst....  ;D. I don't feel as alone as I did 5 or 6 years ago, because I know there are people who you can just talk to... Every time I tell someone on the internet, my pain eases away a little. I kinda feel for that poor kid (younger self)  :)

Well I definitely know what you are going though. :)

I hid the exact same way for a decade or two and it hurt so much.  Eventually it sort of exploded out of me like a pot overflowing.

I really hope you can let the secrets go soon.  It feels SOOO good when you finally do.

Do you ever wish you could go back and hug that "poor kid"?  Maybe in the future you'll think of this version of yourself, right now, and consider them the poor kid.  Maybe you won't feel for them but you will be happy with the progress that you made?

I'm actually hiding still. I mean for me, I got the short hair, I tend to prefer guys clothes and I don't act like a girl.

It's hard when you know that you are being a fake to people. What I've found that helps is telling people you trust a lot. It seems to ease some of that fake-ness.

I've repressed it for most of my life, and then... 

Quote from: Lara the Lover and the Fighter on April 12, 2014, 07:17:04 AM
Eventually it sort of exploded out of me like a pot overflowing.

Since then I'm finding it really hard to deal with 'hiding'. I've completely shaved my entire body, I'm wearing nail polish on my toes, letting my hair and nails grow out. I've feminized my eyebrows a little and am shaving my face every day. I'm losing my masculine stride and just letting myself walk in a feminine way, holding myself in a feminine way. I'm not purposefully deepening my voice anymore... I hide out in the backyard (the only privacy I can get) and practice my 'real' voice. I can't help it, I need to express this femininity or else I feel like I'll just lose it. I'm starting to open up to friends and family will be next, but it almost feels like once that cork came undone, I can do nothing to reverse it, even though it frightens me.

I really can't imagine knowing that I had gender dysphoria since I was a child and NOT acting on it, it would have been utter torture for me. This last little while since I came out of denial has been torture, and honestly, it's only been about a month...

Quote from: Nattie on April 12, 2014, 08:25:05 AM
I've repressed it for most of my life, and then... 

Since then I'm finding it really hard to deal with 'hiding'. I've completely shaved my entire body, I'm wearing nail polish on my toes, letting my hair and nails grow out. I've feminized my eyebrows a little and am shaving my face every day. I'm losing my masculine stride and just letting myself walk in a feminine way, holding myself in a feminine way. I'm not purposefully deepening my voice anymore... I hide out in the backyard (the only privacy I can get) and practice my 'real' voice. I can't help it, I need to express this femininity or else I feel like I'll just lose it. I'm starting to open up to friends and family will be next, but it almost feels like once that cork came undone, I can do nothing to reverse it, even though it frightens me.

I really can't imagine knowing that I had gender dysphoria since I was a child and NOT acting on it, it would have been utter torture for me. This last little while since I came out of denial has been torture, and honestly, it's only been about a month...

Just let that mother blow!!

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Felt horrible for hiding it but until I was sure I was trans* I couldn't tell anyone and stayed being male. My mother eventual started noticing that I was different from before (because the feeling to be female was just growing to big). She tried to get me out of the gaycloset but that was the wrong one. Eventual it just blew up and I told my mom.

I still hid it from others for 1 to 1,5 years but after 1,5  couldn't hide it anymore and told everyone and started living full time as a woman (even though I wasn't on the hormones yet). That was such a huge relief for me.

Quote from: ReaverMarcus on April 12, 2014, 07:29:55 AM
I'm actually hiding still. I mean for me, I got the short hair, I tend to prefer guys clothes and I don't act like a girl.

It's hard when you know that you are being a fake to people. What I've found that helps is telling people you trust a lot. It seems to ease some of that fake-ness.

That's the worst part for me, there's a guilt, I feel I'm cheating them. When I'm talking to someone, in the back of my head I think "You really have no idea, do you?". I feel bad.

Quote from: Nattie on April 12, 2014, 08:25:05 AM
I've repressed it for most of my life, and then... 

Since then I'm finding it really hard to deal with 'hiding'. I've completely shaved my entire body, I'm wearing nail polish on my toes, letting my hair and nails grow out. I've feminized my eyebrows a little and am shaving my face every day. I'm losing my masculine stride and just letting myself walk in a feminine way, holding myself in a feminine way. I'm not purposefully deepening my voice anymore... I hide out in the backyard (the only privacy I can get) and practice my 'real' voice. I can't help it, I need to express this femininity or else I feel like I'll just lose it. I'm starting to open up to friends and family will be next, but it almost feels like once that cork came undone, I can do nothing to reverse it, even though it frightens me.

I really can't imagine knowing that I had gender dysphoria since I was a child and NOT acting on it, it would have been utter torture for me. This last little while since I came out of denial has been torture, and honestly, it's only been about a month...

The people around me know I'm a very sensitive guy, and sort of respect it, I appreciate that, but.... there's more to me that they don't know..

I'm not very masculine looking, people look at me (judging a book by it's cover), and think "oh, he looks like a nice guy, he wouldn't hurt a fly". People in general, treat me nicely, I have a very non-threatening demeanor, soft looks, and my body language is sort of submissive I guess.

If I wasn't where I am, I would've come out a long time ago. Unfortunately for me, coming out right now would NOT make things any better for me, at best, nothing would change, at worst, I could get in big trouble.

The dysphoria is always there, I have to keep hiding.... for now....

Quote from: Lara the Lover and the Fighter on April 12, 2014, 07:17:04 AM
Well I definitely know what you are going though. :)

Thanks  :)

QuoteI hid the exact same way for a decade or two and it hurt so much.  Eventually it sort of exploded out of me like a pot overflowing.

I really hope you can let the secrets go soon.  It feels SOOO good when you finally do.

I sort of let my secret go..... but distorted it a little. The conversation kept progressing in an undesirable way, so I kept adding little layers of lies to make it seem less shocking, I guess. Somebody in my life knows something's up, it definitely feels better than before, when nobody had a clue. 

QuoteDo you ever wish you could go back and hug that "poor kid"?  Maybe in the future you'll think of this version of yourself, right now, and consider them the poor kid.  Maybe you won't feel for them but you will be happy with the progress that you made?

I'm still that poor kid,  :) I'm just a few inches taller, and a lot more accepting of myself.

I can only hope for now, I might not even look back, when you reach something, you sometimes forget all the hard work you put in to get there.

Quote from: MbutF on April 12, 2014, 01:01:51 PM

I'm still that poor kid,  :) I'm just a few inches taller, and a lot more accepting of myself.

I can only hope for now, I might not even look back, when you reach something, you sometimes forget all the hard work you put in to get there.

Then lets enjoy the ride to the destination!  Come on.  We're going on a road trip!

Quote from: Lara the Lover and the Fighter on April 12, 2014, 01:34:19 PM

Then lets enjoy the ride to the destination!  Come on.  We're going on a road trip!

it's gonna take a while for me to get ready for this trip,  :D

i'm happy i'm not alone. thank you.  :)

Quote from: MbutF on April 12, 2014, 12:33:19 PM
That's the worst part for me, there's a guilt, I feel I'm cheating them. When I'm talking to someone, in the back of my head I think "You really have no idea, do you?". I feel bad.

I actually called up one of my friends thing morning and was wanting to tell her. We just ended up talking and I felt kind of awkward cause i didn't know how to say it. I think i'm gonna try calling her again in a bit

For me I just am not able to connect to much to people. I speak as little as possible and most people think it's because I'm shy. Inside I am really interested in other people, but as soon as I open my mouth and my male voice comes out I quieten it as much as possible because it doesn't feel like me. The only time I can get louder is when I'm really comfortable around a person or if I'm playing a character. If I'm playing a character though I try to use a different voice and it's not so bad then. Oh that's how I have hidden in the past. I hid through stories and games. I would create a character and live in their head. This was fun and a bit useful for trying to understand others. However, I never tried to understand myself because I just observed. Thus the cause of my frustration now with my identity and not knowing what I want to do with my life. Not sure if that answers your question, but it's got to be an answer to some question. Lol.

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on April 12, 2014, 09:34:42 PM
For me I just am not able to connect to much to people. I speak as little as possible and most people think it's because I'm shy. Inside I am really interested in other people, but as soon as I open my mouth and my male voice comes out I quieten it as much as possible because it doesn't feel like me. The only time I can get louder is when I'm really comfortable around a person or if I'm playing a character. If I'm playing a character though I try to use a different voice and it's not so bad then. Oh that's how I have hidden in the past. I hid through stories and games. I would create a character and live in their head. This was fun and a bit useful for trying to understand others. However, I never tried to understand myself because I just observed. Thus the cause of my frustration now with my identity and not knowing what I want to do with my life. Not sure if that answers your question, but it's got to be an answer to some question. Lol.

My normal male voice is that of a pro wrestler,  :o :o but I can imitate a girls voice pretty well  :D

I hope you find yourself soon, I'm lost too.

When i read your reply, I hear a very pleasant female voice. PM me if you need to talk, sweetie.

Quote from: MbutF on April 13, 2014, 12:34:01 AM
My normal male voice is that of a pro wrestler,  :o :o but I can imitate a girls voice pretty well  :D

I hope you find yourself soon, I'm lost too.

When i read your reply, I hear a very pleasant female voice. PM me if you need to talk, sweetie.

I can imitate voices pretty well too, I just haven't figured out a decent female one, but I am getting closer I think. :) I can hear a very vague voice in my head that I want, but I can't find it just yet. Although it is getting stronger in my head so that will help. :) I'd love to talk to you sometime. I shall PM you soon. :)

I did some sonomic healing with my 1st therapist. I had a lot of reoccuring tramas when I was young. I could not escalpe and the issues were intense. We worked together for me to relive the tramas and allowed me to have different endings.

I can think of the tramas and the new endings. It helps to not be helpless. There are times like Saturday morning I drempt of a past issue. The dream was one of the issues with the old ending.

So, the energy can be released from a trama to a point, I guess. Perhaps, some sonomic therapy can help relieve some pain. 

I am in a very similar situation.  My nails are long because I "stopped biting them" and nobody has mentioned my entirely hair free body.  My eyebrows are "neat ended up and I shave at least once per day.  I am stuck at that level.  I would love to go further but I can't at the moment.  When I do rarely have some time to myself I will go a little further.  I work from home so I will often do that wearing heels and a skirt.  I feel so much more productive when I am working that way and can just let my mannerisms be totally natural without thought.  I have received some funny looks when I have to go out and actually meet with members and sometimes I forget and my mannerisms slip into my natural mode.  So far nobody has ever said anything and I have no idea how I would respond if they did.  I don't know how much longer this will last but I do believe that whatever the next step is it will probably be the tipping point and the closet will just throw me out screaming but hopefully successful and happy.   

I am in a very similar situation.  My nails are long because I "stopped biting them" and nobody has mentioned my entirely hair free body.  My eyebrows are "neat ended up and I shave at least once per day.  I am stuck at that level.  I would love to go further but I can't at the moment.  When I do rarely have some time to myself I will go a little further.  I work from home so I will often do that wearing heels and a skirt.  I feel so much more productive when I am working that way and can just let my mannerisms be totally natural without thought.  I have received some funny looks when I have to go out and actually meet with members and sometimes I forget and my mannerisms slip into my natural mode.  So far nobody has ever said anything and I have no idea how I would respond if they did.  I don't know how much longer this will last but I do believe that whatever the next step is it will probably be the tipping point and the closet will just throw me out screaming but hopefully successful and happy.   

hiding has prooved emotionaly draining draining, so I only do it at the family home. At uni. with some friends, not at all, and its invigorating

I think the lyrics from let it go summarizes it nicely:
'Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know'

If you're numb to yourself, then you can hide.  Whether or not that's healthy for you is another matter altogether.
I conceal much, but accept myself and my circumstances.  One day, I may stop caring and go further.

I personally am still hiding, but I have noticed so much change in my life, and I really feel like I am about to overflow that pot soon. It's really mainly just my parents that keep me hiding. Mainly my dad. He doesn't know my true inside, but he shows his, because every time he hears or sees something to do with trans, he makes sure we all know he hates it. It makes it so hard to do anything. But I noticed that the more/longer I get away from home, and am on my own or with friends, I act more feminine. I paint my nails a lot more (but my dad makes me take it off), and I like to let my hair grow, and I talk/walk/act more feminine. I also love to crossdress every time i'm alone I'm 18, and almost graduated, and I think when I get out of the house, I'll finally be free to come out. As for now, it's just to hard.

Quote from: Sam314 on April 14, 2014, 02:50:01 PM
I personally am still hiding, but I have noticed so much change in my life, and I really feel like I am about to overflow that pot soon. It's really mainly just my parents that keep me hiding. Mainly my dad. He doesn't know my true inside, but he shows his, because every time he hears or sees something to do with trans, he makes sure we all know he hates it. It makes it so hard to do anything. But I noticed that the more/longer I get away from home, and am on my own or with friends, I act more feminine. I paint my nails a lot more (but my dad makes me take it off), and I like to let my hair grow, and I talk/walk/act more feminine. I also love to crossdress every time i'm alone I'm 18, and almost graduated, and I think when I get out of the house, I'll finally be free to come out. As for now, it's just to hard.

Sounds a lot like my family.

Hang in there, sam.

I've been hiding it for 21 years (since I was 12).  I never could have imagined it would progress to this point.  I simply thought I could go forever with this secret.  I would just continuously keep sweeping it back under the rug and it would always come back stronger each time.  I now want to transition but I'm unemployed and living with my parents.  Because of that, I can't even see a therapist or do anything.  I'm stuck until I find job (I've been unemployed for a year).

Quote from: MbutF on April 12, 2014, 12:33:19 PM
That's the worst part for me, there's a guilt, I feel I'm cheating them.

The only person you are cheating is yourself. :)

The feeling of cheating others and yourself goes away when you start transition and coming out...

its something...

I had forgotten but I would say this all the time,
that I am lying to everyone and mostly myself...

This secret, it saps away all my energy.... At times I feel like screaming when no one is around... lol. I can't wait.... but I have no choice.... I have to wait.... I have to be patient before I can do anything.

An hour ago I was alright, now the feeling is back. aargh, my head.....  :D

Quote from: MbutF on April 15, 2014, 02:27:24 AM
This secret, it saps away all my energy.... At times I feel like screaming when no one is around... lol. I can't wait.... but I have no choice.... I have to wait.... I have to be patient before I can do anything.

An hour ago I was alright, now the feeling is back. aargh, my head.....  :D

I can understand your feeling.
I am experiencing your feeling now.
Sometimes I am alright, and sometimes I feel really upset.

I'm finding the emotional hiding of my struggles the most difficult. I came out to my wife a month and a half ago. Sometimes, after triggers or if it's crept up on me, the despair is almost intolerable. I bury myself in YouTube songs if possible.

The physical hiding feels easier somehow. Maybe, because for me, emotions rarely involve the practical. It's hard to put my finger on it.
I'm too timid...but oh so close to getting my first somewhat feminine haircut...

I bury myself in songs too, huge doses of music keeps me going...

I've had feminine haircuts before, it feels good :)

I try to keep my mind as occupied as possible.  Whether that be listening to music, playing video games, watching t.v., etc.  take your pick.  It worked pretty well for awhile, but it's getting much less effective.  Coming here has been a big help as well, as it's reaffirmed for me that there's nothing wrong with who I am.  Since I, like you, are playing the waiting game in limbo, feel free to pm me if you need to talk.   :)

In adolescence? I didn't cope well at all, and struggled with depression over it.

Now, as a young adult? I'm not out at all, but I'm also not afraid. I don't hide particularly well, and I think anybody who knows me could guess. And I'm okay with that. I am not currently in a job that I fear losing (graduate student. We can get away with a lot).