Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I came out to a friend and my manager this week, and both of them said that they thought I was brave.  More than once.  I realised that it's something that cis people often seem to say to us, that we must be brave, or that we are brave.  To be honest I can't really understand why.

I personally don't think that there's anything brave about doing something that I have to do.  Perhaps if I was being open for education purposes in a dangerous place, but just doing what I have to do to ease my dysphoria?  Nope.  That doesn't make sense to me.  It's not going to be easy transitioning by any means, but it's easier than not doing anything.  It's do or die for me.  I don't think that makes me brave in anyway, I certainly don't feel it.

Do you think it's brave to transition?

I dunno... No one I came out to told me I was brave, but later, when I was talking about my coming out to other trans* people who weren't out yet, some of them said I was brave. I guess it all depends on the individual situation. I guess I felt kind of proud of myself after I came out to my family, but not really brave. As for transitioning itself, though, it's just something I have to do. It's something that I fought hard against doing for years before I reached a breaking point. So no, I don't see anything brave about that. If anything, I feel like a coward for putting it off for so long.

Quote from: Pikachu on April 12, 2014, 09:36:48 AM
As for transitioning itself, though, it's just something I have to do. It's something that I fought hard against doing for years before I reached a breaking point. So no, I don't see anything brave about that. If anything, I feel like a coward for putting it off for so long.

I feel similarly about this statement. Coming out and transitioning is something that is needed to be done, so I'm not brave I'm just doing what I need to survive. It is the same for medical stuff. People oh your so brave for going through XYZ when the only choice I had was to go through it.

People have told me that too. I don't find it brave either. I do however find it brave that I'm willing to accept that I need to do these things. That's what I believe they mean when they say you're brave cause a lot of people aren't really don't see who they are and even if they do, they don't always have the courage to change to become that person.

I've been told by many people that I'm brave, but to me it's not bravery, it's just being honest about myself. I can see why others might think it's brave, considering all of the hate that you might have to go through, but really it's just picking between two awful things. I don't see it as bravery when we're forced to chose between hating ourselves but being liked by others or being hated by others but liking ourselves.

I don't think of myself as brave- again like all of you above it's just something I have to do.

I had the same basic conversation yesterday. And I've thought about bravery a lot over the years. I've dealt with a lot of stuff over the years and had people tell me I am brave. I used to say it was desperation not bravery.

I guess it depends on what you call bravery. I think most of us are doing something we find scary and hard at times. So, I think there is an element of bravery. I kind of think of it like this, a soldier who is about to go into battle probably doesn't have a lot of choice but they are still committing an act a bravery in my opinion. The woman who takes her kids and leaves her abusive husband and everything else in her life behind is brave. Bravery doesn't have to be some huge act. It can simply be facing the hard stuff without disintegrating.

Many people told me I'm brave but I never understood why. Transitioning was and it's still a need for me. But this also got me thinking and I realized on some level I'm brave. Because I didn't put away the thought of starting my own life, because I found the right people who made it possible (docs), because I made my family to accept this going on etc. Maybe this all didn't happened for the first try but I didn't gave up. I'm sure many of you can relate  ;)

*Potentially triggering*

Yes, for me it is bravery.

My friend told me that I was brave for being willing to go through this a couple of years ago but I didn't think of it as bravery then.  Now, I think it's pretty brave for me to want to transition and even taking the steps to do so.  Transitioning is far from easy and it's going to put tons of stress on me, and then there's that higher chance of being "found out" and tortured, murdered, raped, or dismembered or all of the above.  Then there's the chance of losing my job because of this, and people walking out of my life, me going broke and homeless, and just being so depressed and ultimately killing myself in the end because of not being able to cope with all of the extra burdens that comes along with transitioning.  Again, I can see how some wouldn't calll it bravery becaus they are doing what they have to do, but for me, yes it is bravery.  I make the choice to transition or not and deal with the consequenses accordingly.  I haven't transitioned yet because in part, I am scared.  Bravery isn't the absence of being scared, but rather powering through even when scared.  This is going to be a very scary journey for me, but when I get the courage to transition, yes it will be bravery.
In fact, I consider this to be bravery so much that I think I should have my very own customized transgender millitary uniform and beret because I feel like transition is a battlefield with so many wars and battles I will have to fight in just to be who I am.

Aside from all of that, for me, I consider being called brave a compliment and I like compliments.  I have no intentions of playing myself up as some poor, helpless victim, but if a person wants to call me brave, so be it.  I don't think I'm going to "correct them" and say "no I'm not brave" etc.  A person callng me brave *may* just be on my side so no need to find ways to isolate them from that.  Now if a beautiful, young woman clutches her chest and gives me big googly eyes saying something like "Oh Malachite, you're so brave!"  I'll probably play it off like it's nothing. "Just gotta do what I have to do mam," and tilt my metaphorical cowboy hat.  I'm just being silly now, but I'm sure you get what I mean.  This is just how I personally feel and not how I feel others need to be. 

hahahah Malachite, you are awesome.

Quote from: Malachite on April 12, 2014, 11:32:01 AM
This is going to be a very scary journey for me, but when I get the courage to transition, yes it will be bravery.
In fact, I consider this to be bravery so much that I think I should have my very own customized transgender millitary uniform and beret because I feel like transition is a battlefield with so many wars and battles I will have to fight in just to be who I am.

I just sent my best friend an email telling her everything. Can I borrow your uniform. I'm scared sh*tless

Quote from: christopher on April 12, 2014, 11:48:40 AM
hahahah Malachite, you are awesome.


I just sent my best friend an email telling her everything. Can I borrow your uniform. I'm scared sh*tless

Lol thanks and sure, you can borrow my uniform.  Good luck, soldier!

Yeah I understand why people who have a lot to lose are more likely to consider themselves brave. I get that I might have come across as saying that no one has the right to feel brave for transitioning and that wasn't what I was about. I was trying to understand why people think this is a brave thing to do. I think that people that do take the risk of losing everything require a certain amount of bravery, I've put off coming out to make it easier at some points.

I'm fortune enough to live in a country where there's anti discrimination laws, and that on the whole people are accepting. It was just very odd to hear my manager say that I was brave, and then in the next sentence that he wouldn't stand for anyone giving me stick.

My best friend's said the same to me. I think it is brave. It's brave to tell people if you're unsure of their reaction. It's brave to tell people even when you know what their reaction will be, because from that point on, there are quite big changes. It's difficult to accept who you are (for some, not for everyone) and realise who you are and what you need to do, and so, accepting that and planning on what to do about it rather than continuing to live as you were beforehand is also brave.

I think maybe it's harder for people to see if they are brave since they only have their own life to really compare.
A few months ago, someone who has only known me for the past few years told me that she is amazed by how well I'm doing. I was surprised because, to me, the past few years have been easy compared what the years before that were like. I kind of took it for granted. Maybe that's the case here. Maybe other people can recognize that it's brave, but we don't because we take it for granted.
Or maybe I'm just randomly talking and seeing what comes out.

"Courage: the moral or mental strength to persevere and withstand difficulty, fear, or hardship." - Miriam Webster's dictionary

Courage is doing something even though you're afraid to do it or afraid of the repercussions, so I'd say that applies to most of us here, particularly during the discovery/coming out phase.

I agree with Edge in that people tend to normalize whatever hardships they're going through, plus for many of us it doesn't feel like a choice... Still requires courage though.

I have heard this from the few people that i've let in on my secret.

Do I see myself as brave? Not at all - It was a matter of survival, not bravery. When people say that to me it would take me waayyyyyy to long to explain it to them so I just nod and smile and let it go.

Like Polo said - it does take courage to keep going through all of the challenges of transition.

Quote from: Eva Marie on April 12, 2014, 03:51:16 PM
I have heard this from the few people that i've let in on my secret.

Do I see myself as brave? Not at all - It was a matter of survival, not bravery. When people say that to me it would take me waayyyyyy to long to explain it to them so I just nod and smile and let it go.

Like Polo said - it does take courage to keep going through all of the challenges of transition.

Hhhm I kinda agree

What's the difference between having courage and being brave? (Not arguing. Just curious.)

Quote from: Edge on April 12, 2014, 04:13:22 PM
What's the difference between having courage and being brave? (Not arguing. Just curious.)

Courage is when you are emotional 'challenging' something like a fear. Bravery is what you need when there is a chance of being physically hurt ie (policeman, firefighter).

In both cases I do think it takes courage and bravery because we all have to face a (mostly) ignorant society when it comes to trans* issues.

Bravery implies a certain amount of fearlessness, whereas courage does not.

I don't think it's brave. If there was a way I could "chicken out" and find a way to be happy as female, I'd have done it. I'd love to be cis. I don't even care if I'm a cis male or cis female. But I'm not. I reached critical mass where living as female simply wasn't an option anymore, unless I wanted my mental health to worsen beyond where it was already at.

Ah. Thanks for the explanation.

Heh. That's what some of my conversations sound like. Someone will say that something I done is brave or strong and I get all awkward and point out that it just needed to be done.

Quote from: Polo on April 12, 2014, 03:37:51 PM
"Courage: the moral or mental strength to persevere and withstand difficulty, fear, or hardship." - Miriam Webster's dictionary

Courage is doing something even though you're afraid to do it or afraid of the repercussions, so I'd say that applies to most of us here, particularly during the discovery/coming out phase.

I agree with Edge in that people tend to normalize whatever hardships they're going through, plus for many of us it doesn't feel like a choice... Still requires courage though.

That's a good point actually, perhaps I dislike the idea of being called brave for doing what I need to do to keep my sanity (which I do, because I think there are people more deserving of that title, such as my manager who's an ex-army officer for example), because it implies that I had some say in the matter, i.e. it's a choice.

Looking at the definitions I think that courage is required to come out/not be stealth in most situations, but bravery is only required in more non-accepting environments, although I think most people have that fear of the worst in their heads.  Or maybe it's just me.

On the one hand - it's something I had to do in order to continue living.  It was literally life or death, so brave doesn't really fit into that equation for me in regards to that.

But I can see why others think of it as brave - and in some ways, I suppose that it is.  It takes courage to make the first steps - and it's a long, hard and often painful road - not for the weak.  It takes courage to come out of the closet, to go through the physical challenge of surgery, the financial burden...so yes, it's not easy.

I had a similar reaction from my husband when I came out to him. He said that he was proud of me for being so brave.

I don't really feel brave at all though. I didn't decide to start transitioning because I had finally worked up the courage to, I did it because I'd reached a point where not transitioning was more painful, and in that sense it kind of feels more like I took the easy way out.

I did what I had to do to keep from going nuts or killing myself.  I was almost there.  People have told me that I'm the most courageous person they know, but all I did was follow the path of least resistance.  It was easier for me in the end to transition than not to.  Being a fake guy was much harder than being genuine, and I am rewarded every day just by being me.

I've recently had the same response a couple of times and it sort of took  me by surprise. In a way it annoyed me since it almost implied that we actually choose to go through with it when we don't have to, which is clearly not true, at least for most of us.

My life overall is pretty good... I don't feel anything massive is missing other than that basic sense of self, being me, which has never been there because I am in this body. So I suppose for them it means that I am willing to sacrifice a lot for the sake of being myself- which I guess is a fair point. Having said that, I think for people in general, it must be quite difficult to fully comprehend just how profound and serious it is to have the need to feel physically the way you have always felt in your mind. That means they cannot actually understand that for us it is not necessarily bravery to do it because the pain, frustration and humiliation we have endured is, in many cases, far more challenging to live with than going through this process, as painful as it may be. At least then there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't actually, but I have been called that and I guess, since it is a compliment, I'm happy to accept it.

--Jay

I think I'm brave...but that's only because I ran into a burning house once to save some kittens that were trapped inside using only a wet blanket, a hoodie, oven mits, and a baseball bat to get through.



...yeah, that never happened.

I think that coming out can take a lot of courage to do, but I don't see it as brave. I guess for certain people in certain situations it is brave, or that being trans can be an act of bravery.

i haven't come out to anybody yet so i don't know how i would feel if they called me brave for coming out. probably i'll be happy and consider myself brave as well, because i could have rather concealed it without having to deal with the very difficult and awkward conversation of coming out and facing its aftereffects.
but i've always complemented myself as brave, because i chose to live on and face the challenges my life has offered me, over ending my life despite the number of times i really wanted to end it all and start anew.

I'm not brave. Jumping into a burning building to save a baby is brave. There is nothing brave about transitioning to me. It's just a part of my life, like wearing glasses.

Well I think some of guys should just accept the compliment, I mean coming from a black guy who comes from a conservitive family it would be considered brave, coming out in highschool would be considered brave, I have been told numerous times that I have more balls and that I'm more of a man than half if these guys out here because they probaly would have killed thereselves if they were in my shoes, I mean come lets not act like being trans is easy, So what were transitioning for our own good there are still risks and it still takes a strong person to endure the dysphoria especially without acceptance. So quit being so prideful.

Quote from: Brandon on April 13, 2014, 07:27:11 AM
Well I think some of guys should just accept the compliment, I mean coming from a black guy who comes from a conservitive family it would be considered brave, coming out in highschool would be considered brave, I have been told numerous times that I have more balls and that I'm more of a man than half if these guys out here because they probaly would have killed thereselves if they were in my shoes, I mean come lets not act like being trans is easy, So what were transitioning for our own good there are still risks and it still takes a strong person to endure the dysphoria especially without acceptance. So quit being so prideful.

I don't think anyone is being proud. Some of us just don't think transition = bravery. If you do that's fine. People consider different bravery in very different terms. Everyone is just giving their own opinion on the subject, since the OP asked for everyone's thoughts.

Quote from: Nygeel on April 13, 2014, 12:52:09 AM
I think I'm brave...but that's only because I ran into a burning house once to save some kittens that were trapped inside using only a wet blanket, a hoodie, oven mits, and a baseball bat to get through.



...yeah, that never happened.

Wow, you had me going there Nygeel. LOL

--Jay

I know for most people, it feels like there is absolutely no choice and transitioning is a necessity, but what about for people like me? I can't say I'm unhappy in general; I'm not suicidal over my dysphoria. I even think I -could- live an enjoyable, easy, and maybe even happy life in my female body. But just not nearly -as- happy or "right" as I would be if I came out and transitioned. There would always feel like something is missing, like something is off, and I don't want that. I want to live the -very- best and truest life I can. Does that make me brave though or just a perfectionist?! Haha!

No, but seriously, I do consider myself brave because I could deny this reality, try to forget it, and take the easy way out. Which is actually what I did originally. I first realized I was trans about five years ago, but I was too scared of the repercussions and the hardships that I decided to push it away to the very back of my mind and not do anything about it. Recently it has come back to haunt me yet again, and I realized I don't want to deny it anymore. I am going to do something about it. I am going to take major steps to secure my own ideal happiness instead of settling for an easier version. And I finally have the bravery to do just that!

Well, to a certain extent. I now have the bravery to accept myself and to come out to my friends. Coming out to my family, getting into therapy, et cetera...I'm still summoning the courage for all that~

Nygeel had me going to :D

And onto a tangent

QuoteFull Definition of BRAVERY

1
:  the quality or state of being brave :  courage
2
a :  fine clothes
b :  showy display
See bravery defined for English-language learners »
See bravery defined for kids »

Bravery = fine clothes?? What the heck. Ok, I am definitely not brave


... we now return you to your original programming

'Cause who doesn't like a story that involves saving kittens?

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.sfgate.com%2Fblogs%2Fimages%2Fsfgate%2Fpets%2F2011%2F09%2F08%2Fhang_in_there_kitty-thumb-250x332.jpg&hash=40d17ab6797b0e5f0cfde778699bd980f125fbb7)

Quote from: christopher on April 13, 2014, 11:20:47 PM

Bravery = fine clothes?? What the heck. Ok, I am definitely not brave

I'm gonna be the bravest mofo ever after I get my surgery. XD

Yes. There are so many people who cannot stand on their own and be themselves. They would rather live the lie that everyone has told them. Transitioning is brave because we are traversing genders and bucking the  instilled training that if you are born M or F then there is no escape. For which, in some places, means that they have chosen to die as themselves instead of living a lie.  Perspective is everything.