Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Kia Ora,

Sadly it would seem this site (I guess like most forum sites) is prone to angry outbursts by members(mods and admins are not immune)...often leaving all parties involved licking their wounds and feeling like $#!+....

When it comes to anger, Buddhists have a saying( one of many  ;) ;D) "Being angry at/with someone is like using ones bare hand to pick up a piece of burning red hot coal to throw at them!" you also get burnt in the process...

To stop anger from rising in the first place is difficult, but there are ways in which one can observe the emotion as it arises without having to become it/be attached to it... EMOTION= Energy in Motion

What do or can YOU do to stop angry from spilling over into remorse and regrets ?

And when it comes to anger/being angry what lessons have you learnt ?

Does it help to solve ones problems?

Or create even more ?

Remember:  Angry words pollute the atmosphere making the environment toxic for many innocent bystanders...

Just some food for thought...

May you all be happy and well...

Metta Anatta :)

I'm a flawed person and have let irritation get the best of me.  However, I'd be the first person to regret my own actions and to admit that I suck when it comes to letting anger win.  I usually try to to discuss things or open a dialogue, but there are times where I end up either getting annoyed myself or pissing someone else in the process even when it wasn't intended.  In any case, anger doesn't solve anything and there is much that I regret in life as well as being on this site. Still, I think our mistakes can teach us lessons and help us move forward.  It's the only way to learn sometimes.  I just wish there were ways for everyone to move beyond it and let those temporarily feelings go.       

Quote from: learningtolive on April 15, 2014, 06:20:30 PM
I'm a flawed person and have let irritation get the best of me.  However, I'd be the first person to regret my own actions and to admit that I suck when it comes to letting anger win.  I usually try to to discuss things or open a dialogue, but there are times where I end up either getting annoyed myself or pissing someone else in the process even when it wasn't intended.  In any case, anger doesn't solve anything and there is much that I regret in life as well as being on this site. Still, I think our mistakes can teach us lessons and help us move forward.  It's the only way to learn sometimes.  I just wish there were ways for everyone to move beyond it and let those temporarily feelings go.     

Kia Ora LTL,

To be human is to be flawed ! However...............................

Not all anger is unwholesome and will lead to regrets and or depression...Anger like all emotions is just energy and with practice this energy can be channelled in a more positive way...

There are ways of doing this but they involve letting go of the ego...If one really does want to let these feelings go one needs to work at it and not give in to the ego...example "I'm hopeless ...I can never do this...etc etc!"

"There's more to life than what meets the eye  >:-) I :angel: "

Metta Anatta :)

I think the best way for me to avoid anger is realizing what gets me angry in the first place, and setting up mechanisms to remind me when those events occur. Example: I get horrible road rage, so to avoid that I always listen to peaceful meditation music while I am driving -- now I am a really peaceful driver. :D If I hear something that makes irks me, sometimes its best to take a walk first before saying anything back.

However, I think sometimes in some situations, a controlled anger can actually be somewhat productive. If people weren't upset about injustices, it's not as likely that people would be willing to step up to the plate to demand changes. If things are going wrong, people may need to have emotions to express their concerns.

QuoteThere are ways of doing this but they involve letting go of the ego...If one really does want to let these feelings go one needs to work at it and not give in to the ego...

'Tis

Kia Ora Nimrata,

It's good that you have developed some techniques to control angry outbursts/road rage...

With anger comes depression and with depression comes anger...

Sadly it seems we all have the ability to show kindness and compassion (when necessary) towards other sentient beings...but our flaw is, we more often than not neglect to show the same level of kindness & compassion to ourselves, thinking thoughts along the lines of "I'm not worthy!" "I don't deserve it"  ....

When "Charity" begins at home...

Metta Anatta :)

Hmm, self love and compassion for oneself?  It's an interesting concept.  I'm really trying to get there, but it's been easier said than done.  I guess for me the best thing I can do is empathize with others and to show compassion to them.  I'm not perfect at that, but that's my goal.  Ultimately, my feelings are secondary to theirs and that's why I will always kick myself down as being wrong in expressing annoyance, irritation or anger or if I simply annoyed someone without intending to.  I don't feel justified in those feelings or causing grief for someone else.  That's more important than anything else.  I think it's possible to be both a depressed person, but also compassionate to others.  It's harder to balance that at times, but it's possible.

In any event, I think I'm going on a tangent here.  I guess we all see anger through different lens and for me it reminds me of my personal failures. 

In the past I have responded to situations with rightful indignation (or worse) and the day after I was full of regret for the half-baked things that I had said.

Age, wisdom, and estrogen have now entered the picture. Today I am much more likely to absorb what someone says and go off to think about it before responding. That thinking time allows me to look at the issue from all sides and I often come away with a new perspective on it.

I'm not perfect at this but I keep trying  :)

Maybe I'm not reading the right (or wrong) posts on this forum.  It's hard to keep up with everything. But for the most part I don't read a lot of anger, sure there's disagreement on the odd thread.  But for the most part I read a lot of love from caring individuals that have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  For people to be sane, let alone kind seems to me to be astonishing under the circumstance.   

Take care.
Paige  :)

P.S. Learningtoolive I've read many of your posts, you don't come off as an angry person to me at all.

I wonder how many of us (MTFs) pick stereotypically aggressive behavior trying to act like "men" to hide from others (and ourselves) that we really aren't.

I also wonder, at times, if it's because our female brains aren't truly designed to process so much of it. History would imply that from 28 or so to about 45 I had an abnormally high testosterone level although it was never checked.

Lastly, I wonder if the above is only rationalization.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on April 16, 2014, 09:31:04 AM
I wonder how many of us (MTFs) pick stereotypically aggressive behavior trying to act like "men" to hide from others (and ourselves) that we really aren't.

I also wonder, at times, if it's because our female brains aren't truly designed to process so much of it. History would imply that from 28 or so to about 45 I had an abnormally high testosterone level although it was never checked.

Lastly, I wonder if the above is only rationalization.

I've been wondering along those lines myself. From the experiences of a lot of trans women, and my own I wonder if maybe trans people process the wrong socialization a lot more literally than cis people of their birth genders. Maybe to trans women - a 'man' is this specific thing that has to be this and this and that. Like they were given this script and forced to learn it as a kind of life or death matter.

So maybe cis women (and trans women too) are able to filter all these messages better than me. Not that they aren't horrible and harmful, just like masculinity standards are to men. Just that for a woman - 'woman' is not this thing separate from her. For me, it always was.
Sorry, probably off topic.

Kia Ora,

Thanks for the input, I feel it's important to discuss topics that affect all of us at one time or another...and anger certainly fits the bill...

Research as shown that there's a link between anger and depression (bearing in mind that anger can also be "self" directed)...

LTL there are many people who do charitable work as volunteers who still suffer from bouts of deep depression, so yes one can be depressed and still show empathy and compassion towards those they feel are less fortunate than themselves...

Emily's right about the breath though, a simple thing such as taking deep breaths and focusing upon the inhale and exhale can create a space between the "irrational" negative thought patterns that occur when one is angry, allowing "reason" back into the mix...This can be done by 'simply' counting the breaths, by doing so one is taking the focus away from the angry thoughts...

If you think about it. the taking of deep breaths to calm the self down seems to be universal ...

Remember 'theories' are great but putting them into practice and experiencing the beneficial results is what counts...

So what other techniques can one employ to break anger up into easily manageable bits ?

Metta Anatta:)

Hm, I spent years on denial about my anger... "I'm just frustrated/irritated" I would say. To admit to being angry was tantamount to saying I was the worst person on the planet, that people wouldn't like me, etc. Until the day some twenty years ago I used the "I'm not angry" line with my psychotherapist and she threw it back on my face, telling me I was the angriest person she'd ever met. Really made me challenge myself. My anger was so deeply contained not even I was prepared to agree it existed. Over a few years I got more in touch with that anger, connected with, learned to express it (at first as tantrums) then learned to control it and use it constructively not destructively.

Do I still get angry? Yes. Anger is just an emotion. It is a useful one - used the right way it can fire passion for a cause. When I get angry I use it to speak my mind without flaming anybody or burning the house down. I always strive to be respectful, try to understand where the problem is, speak firmly but never yell or lose my temper, never feel hatred. If I don't get my way I don't get my way. But these days I find, more and more, I do get what I feel is right. I've been told I'm a good negotiator, a good advocate, people respect me. When I lose my temper I apologise, fortunately that happens less and less.

Sadly, all around the world so many people feel the only way they can get what they want is by blowing their stack, being rude, being abusive, shouting, screaming the world down, hitting out - hate, hate, hate.

I agree, anger can be extremely toxic but it is just an emotion, used sparingly and appropriately, without hate and vitriol, it can be utterly powerful and life affirming! :)

I thought everyone else was just as angry inside as I was, but they just handled it better. I have said on a different topic that I was so scary and angry there were always 2 Therapist's in the room with me and security outside the door due to my skill set. When I accepted myself and became the real Jessica almost immediately the anger disappeared and I was totally a new person. Not fighting Dysphoria all the time has given me a new understanding of how to manage situations and issue's without destroying buildings. I find I have a lot more patience and empathy with people. It is always hard for me to hear people say Dysphoria is not a real problem, yeah right! :)

I don't get angry. Well, not in public, anyway. I try to stay largely positive and... well, I dunno, understanding, I guess. I think there are probably only maybe 2-3 people here who've ever been privately on the receiving end and had to put up with me when I've been irritated about something. Usually something personal. And for that I apologise.

Normally I just take a deep breath, count to ten and/or bite my tongue.

Quote from: Anatta on April 15, 2014, 06:09:24 PM


When it comes to anger, Buddhists have a saying( one of many  ;) ;D) "Being angry at/with someone is like using ones bare hand to pick up a piece of burning red hot coal to throw at them!" you also get burnt in the process...

Quotemaybe so for the Buddhist, other believe that anger like other feeling has a purpose and that it can be channeled to the benefit of the afflicted 

What do or can YOU do to stop angry from spilling over into remorse and regrets ?

QuoteSome believe that you should not feel remorseful for having being angry; or have regrets about having had a surge of anger

And when it comes to anger/being angry what lessons have you learnt ?

QuoteThat revenge is a dish best serve cold

Does it help to solve ones problems?

Quoteof course it does, properly used, anger can be a great motivator

Remember:  Angry words pollute the atmosphere making the environment toxic for many innocent bystanders...

QuoteOnly if you allowed other peoples actions or statement affect you

Just some food for thought...

May you all be happy and well...

Metta Anatta :)

Feeling anger pain, fear, envy, just like: love, hope, calmness are what defines our humanity.... it reflects the dualist nature of this Universe ... Ying'n'Yang Sista...they are like "love and marriage" one cannot exist without the other..

Metta Peky

Quote from: Dee Marshall on April 16, 2014, 09:31:04 AM
I wonder how many of us (MTFs) pick stereotypically aggressive behavior trying to act like "men" to hide from others (and ourselves) that we really aren't.

I did exactly that, especially when feeling embarrassed or sad (in public) I'd push those emotions down and convert it into anger. Now that I've accepted myself, I'm mostly happy now.  :D

Quote from: peky on April 16, 2014, 08:20:16 PM
Feeling anger pain, fear, envy, just like: love, hope, calmness are what defines our humanity.... it reflects the dualist nature of this Universe ... Ying'n'Yang Sista...they are like "love and marriage" one cannot exist without the other..

Metta Peky

Kia Ora Dear Peky,

What you speak of is true but also needs to be in moderation. a healthy balance, and not taken to the extremes, so as not to put too much stress upon ones body (frequent outbursts of anger does tend to take a toll upon both the body and mind)

Glad to see you are well on the way to mastering your anger(according to the comment in the other post)...But I do 'personally' feel that the 'sweet revenge' you live by is somewhat unhealthy and dates back to the old testament biblical times of an "eye for an eye"...Carrying around negative thoughts of revenge all day can't be healthy for both your body and mind...
Do you by an chance also practice the art of "forgiveness" ?

Mahatma Gandhi is credited with eloquently rebuffing this outdated thinking by saying "An eye for an eye-will make the whole world blind!" and I prefer to live by this great man's wisdom....

But as they say, each to their own Peky, each to their own...

Just out of interest Peky, when was the last time you experienced an angry outburst ?
And who was it directed at ?

Metta Anatta :)

Quote from: Sephirah on April 16, 2014, 05:50:09 PM
I don't get angry. Well, not in public, anyway. I try to stay largely positive and... well, I dunno, understanding, I guess. I think there are probably only maybe 2-3 people here who've ever been privately on the receiving end and had to put up with me when I've been irritated about something. Usually something personal. And for that I apologise.

Normally I just take a deep breath, count to ten and/or bite my tongue.

Kia Ora Sephirah,

It's funny that such a simple thing as 'breathing' can make or break a relationship...It's free and at our disposal 24/7/365, yet many neglect to use it in a time of crises...

Glad to see you're still 'breathing'  ;) ;D

Metta Anatta :)

Honestly, I wish I were more readily moved to anger--not be confused with rage.

I have a tendency to handle disagreement by intellectualising and mechanising things. It often has the unintended consequence of allowing my interlocutor to claim a monopoly on passion. When emotions run to anger, this doesn't seem like such a drawback, prima facie, but it can facilitate the other to claim a monopoly on compassion as well--poor optics in a public or semi-public discourse.  :-\

Kia Ora Amygdala Hijacked,

Amygdala Hijacking & Emotional intelligence
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lr-T6NAV5V4


Metta Anatta :)