Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello again, it's been a long while since I have last posted but I just wanted to get a couple off things off my chest. Apologies in advance for the long post but I don't know where else to go.

It's been at least 3 + months since I last cross-dressed but I have found that I have thought about doing so pretty much every single day and I seem to be trying to juggle the pro's and con's of it all in relation to my life, wife, family and social activities.

The last time I cross-dressed it was with my wife who commented, once I was semi-dressed, (not fully made up, ((haven't gone that far yet despite my wife being semi-willing to help me do so)) that surprisingly, I looked okay, (I was wearing heels panties, bra, waist-cincher and a black dress). But despite this it was a less than pleasurable experience because I got a bad case of the shakes and I started feeling almost hyper-self-conscious like I was selling out, my masculinity or something. I dressed a few times on my own while she was at work after that time and it kinda helped me feel a little better about my appearance.

The thing is that I am a masculine guy, who absolutely loves sports, going to the gym etc, and this forms basically much of my day to day life but at the same time there is this "other part of me" that loves the sensuality of cross-dressing. The crux of it is that I am finding the urge to "shape" myself to be a more self-convincing cross-dresser is starting to over-take my want to engage in playing sport, going to the gym and doing general guy stuff and I am becoming torn in terms of my motivations, partly because I (unrealistically) want to get the best of both worlds.

Has anyone else found themselves in this type of space? I am however thankful so much to my wife who seems to understand my on again/off again experimentation with cross-dressing but at times I find myself consciously suppressing the urge to cross-dress because I am worried about my ability to successfully manage any complications, (mental or otherwise) that might arise. Yet the itch to cross-dress remains...

Thanks in advance

Regards changeling

Changeling, it took me over a year to feel comfortable with myself. Those urges never go away. I tried to pass it off as a phase but it grew stronger with each passing day. I embraced my own feminine feelings until I was able to successfully strike a balance. How far you go with dressing is up to you. There's no one way of dressing. Each individual has their own preference.


I'm a rabid sports fan myself. I enjoy many activities I did as male. Dressing doesn't make you less masculine; you're expressing the feminine side of you. I'm sure that it has helped you to see that there's more to you than meets the eye. I believe your wife see this also.``

Quote from: gennee on April 18, 2014, 09:09:02 AM
Changeling, it took me over a year to feel comfortable with myself. Those urges never go away. I tried to pass it off as a phase but it grew stronger with each passing day. I embraced my own feminine feelings until I was able to successfully strike a balance.``

Gennee

When I finally became comfortable with cross dressing I continued to search for a reason for this compulsion.  This resulted in engaging with a gender therapist who diagnosed me as tg.   This diagnosis has been confirmed by 2 other therapists.  Low dose hrt followed and the dysphoria and urge to cross dress just disappeared.  Just like that, nothing, nada.

This was shocking to me as was the euphoria and sense of peace and connection that followed.  My life is immeasurably richer but a touch more 'complicated'!  I no longer feel defective or flawed.  I am proud to be tg and my life is blessed because of this

Aisla

Thank you for sharing this, Aisla. I discovered that I was was tg a short time after I began cross dressing. Since then life has been wonderful.

:)

Hi changeling,

I can relate to a lot of what you said.  Like you I have a strong male identity, I like going the gym, sports, etc.

Clearly everybody has both male and female aspects of the personality, and in our society males are not allowed to express the feminine side.  This means that 'normal' (in the sense of convention) is decidedly abnormal (in the sense of balance, happiness, etc.)  One of the best ways to cope is to have a healthy sense of humor about the whole thing.  When life is a joke, it's better to laugh than get angry or depressed!

I thought for years that I would be the one exception to the rule that 'the itch never goes away.'  I was wrong -- so far, at least. 

Another thing I've noticed is that after decades of lifting weights, I've acquired numerous chronic tensions in my muscles and ligaments.  It seems to me like, all sexual identity issues aside, one of the subconscious motives for crossdressing is that it gives my body a chance to heal and relax, or simply move and stretch in new ways.   

One thing that has changed, however, is that I've re-examined how much time I want or need to spend in the gym.  I've quit worrying about my muscles, and even let my membership lapse (partly for financial reasons).  As a result I feel much better overall.  It seems like when I push myself physically too much, the feminine side rebounds as with a vengeance.  I now still oscillate between male and female, but try to keep the swings less extreme, either way. 



I'm still more or less closeted, but mainly because there's not much opportunity to dress in public.  My 'alibi' at this point is something like: I choose to live as and fulfill with genuine interest my social responsibilities as a male, but I think it's important to understand my feminine side -- so I've developed the hobby of learning to use make-up at home, just to gain skill.  That way I can buy cosmetics or women's clothes without feeling guilty or sheepish about it. 

Hope this helps.

Cathy

Does your cross-dressing have an erotic correlation to you?  I.E. are you doing it because it makes you feel sexy and aroused, or do you do it because you like the way it feels/looks?

I think the answer to that will dictate how much effort to devoting to reducing your gender dissonance.

Quote from: changeling on April 18, 2014, 08:30:18 AM
Has anyone else found themselves in this type of space?

Hi Changeling,

You're not the only one. I have it as well and there's probably plenty here who do!

For example, when I grow my hair out I like how it makes me feel more feminine but at the same time I also have days where I want to look more masculine and prefer shorter hair because it's just way more practical and clean. I now have short hair again and feel okay with it. I think it's best for me to buy a wig so I can have both worlds  :P Clothing is the same for me.. I'm trying to mix both worlds but that isn't easy.
I have found it really hard to figure out where I stand. I do like the groundedness and safety that I feel when I feel okay as a male, at other times I wished I were a female. If hormone therapy wouldn't make me infertile and reduce/eliminate male sexuality I would really go for it.

Hello everyone, thank-you so much for all of your replies. They have helped me feel a little better.

JamesG: Honestly its a little of both. I love the whole process of preparing myself to be more feminine, I love thinking about it and I love doing it. It's like a challenge to try and transform myself into something that is more feminine looking than what I am. I mean I am a 175 pound, lean, athletic male with a figure which is slightly muscular in appearance with a slightly triangle-ish upper torso so I have my work cut out for me but regardless it's highly erotic for me.

Now I really want to do the preparation, makeup etc etc and go the whole nine yards.

Also, I have even started doing exercises to hep me lose what little fat I have on my midsection and to try and increase muscle on my hips. Will it work? I'm not sure but I am willing to do a lot of work to help give the impression that I have some sexy curves and I feel that this will help when I eventually get some padded panties and a decent waist cincher. Time will tell I guess. But I still want to stay as a passable married male.