Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is probably going to be a long and rambly post. I know that I'm new here and this might be rude - sorry!

I've recently started questioning my gender identity in a serious way. I keep seeing the term "dysphoria", but I don't really know what it means. I feel like nothing I've experienced matches the severity that it implies to me. However, I feel like some of my experiences might fall under it, so, well... here they are.

In general, I often feel utterly distinct from males, and find more similarities with females. Seeing some silly list of "differences between men and women" or whatever, I know which side I expect to fall on.

I don't feel particularly strongly about my genitals, nor do I strongly desire breasts. I wouldn't mind either of these things being different to how they are, I may actually prefer it, but it's not a strong feeling. I do like appearing feminine, to the point of feeling uncomfortable if I look too male, because I don't think that represents me. I often look at my reflection and ask, ignoring my face, "could a girl pull off this look?" (though I only  wear male/unisex clothes, preferring the latter). Most of the changes associated with HRT seem overwhelmingly positive to me.

From probably about 7-8 I would think "I want to be/wish I was a girl."
When I was 11 my dad's departure meant I could afford to grow my hair and nails long. When questioned by other kids, I would say "I'm lazy".My dad complained a lot, and would force me to get my hair cut short every year or so, but I always grew it back out. I remember considering a sex-change when I was about 14, but I was put off by the difficulty of it - that is to say, if at any point in my life I could have clicked my fingers and been a girl, I wouldn't be posting this now :P.

At secondary school, my gender expression and other "weirdnesses" made me a prime target for bullying, and I felt the pressure to masculinise to fit in. In response, I developed a kind of obsession (I'd call it OCD, but I don't really know) with feminising the "invisible" things I did, primarily focusing on my hand movements, but also on legs and posture. This also involved obsessively observing the behaviour of females and males around me, mimicking one and eschewing the other. Occasionally I would realise my pose or motion was too visibly feminine, and feel incredibly fearful of being spotted.

Besides the OCD, there are a few involuntary feelings I get that I find it hard to describe:
"Gender deja vu" - when someone says something that suggests "maleness" about me, I get an uncomfortable feeling similar to that accompanying deja vu of the brain involuntarily reprocessing information, along with a strong feeling along the lines of "it's odd that they think I'm male"/"But I'm not like that!"
"Gender miscommunication" - when I'm saying something, I feel that some part of my message/meaning is inexplicably lost because of my perceived gender, my voice, etc. Alternatively, I feel that what I was saying was intrinsically feminine, as in, "I said that as a girl".
Finally, I randomly get a feeling that's even harder to describe, "I feel female". I could be walking down the street, lying in my bed, or anything. I guess an explanation is that at these times my feelings align with a self-concept of a female me.
These feelings occur somewhat infrequently. However, I do often feel that I'm prevented from acting or speaking the way I want by being male, and that I'm "acting a part".

I feared the changes of puberty, and didn't enjoy them, though I think I lucked out on the whole. I have a small frame, feminine lips, few drastically male facial features, soft skin, small-ish feet. From a distance, with my long hair, people have gendered me as female. Most of the meaningful compliments I received in school were intended as insults, or just noticing "weird" feminine things about me like my lips ("you look like you have lipstick on"). My voice became extremely deep, which still annoys me to this day. I've always hated my leg-hair, but I felt trapped between wanting to shave it and wanting to fit in. Luckily, I don't have any chest-hair to worry about. I held off shaving, because "men shave", but once I started I did (and do) so compulsively.

However, my first few years of university were for some reason mostly okay - I guess because of the reduced importance of gender-roles? I still occasionally felt that the "message wasn't getting across," and I still sometimes imagined myself as a girl in my head. The only thing that stood out was I read about a male contraceptive cocktail of female hormones that was being trialed - reading about it, I couldn't wait for the opportunity to buy some over-the-counter, socially acceptable hormones.

Six months ago, someone I care about - someone I used to feel was the only person like me I'd ever met - came out as trans. This reminded me of everything, but being fine for so long, I decided - I'm cured! I decided to masculinise myself. Cut my hair and nails short, bought some more male clothes, started growing a beard. That was okay for a few months...  but then, I had a traumatic Christmas. At the same time, I read that the male contraceptive pill had been "fixed" and now only comprised two proteins. A lot of my old feelings started coming back, and the OCD gradually returned, finally becoming debilitating, worse than it had ever been. I started questioning myself more and more, which was painful in itself, and the only way I could feel better was by accepting that I was trans, at which point a lot of negative feeling was replaced by a kind of elation. So here I am, wondering if that's the right conclusion.

Oh god I've been writing this for an hour now, I'm so sorry  :embarrassed:

Whether you ultimately decide to go through the process of full transition or not it certainly sounds like you have conflicts around your birth assigned gender and your self identified gender. I relate to a lot of what you described. As a child I would do anything to get out of activities with boys, including faking illness. I legitimately had asthma, but it came in "convenient" for dodging certain things from time to time. Anyway, I'd suggest maybe finding a local LGBT center and asking about someone you can talk about these feelings with. You don't have to do anything as a result of talking with them but it will help make options clearer for you.

Jemima

You may well have dysphoria.  Your history certainly sounds typical.   However you may also not have dysphoria.  A gender therapist or psychiatrist is the best means of helping you understand and to address your situation.

I wish you well in your journey.

Safe travels.

Aisla

I asked the same question to my gender therapist about 2 months after I was going to therapy. She rattled off a lot of examples of my dysphoria as it pertained to me in my life's experiences, feelings, needs, coping mechanism and desires.

I think it is very good advise to contact a LGBT center, Gender Therapist or Student Health (if still in college).  My dysphoria progressed to a point where I could not take it and had to do something about it. I recommend you take care of addressing being trans* now.

Every trans* person is unique and what you need to do to be comfortable in your own skin ultimately is your choice.

Welcome to Susan's and Hugs.

Of course most of us here aren't clinical physiologists, or therapists, but everyone here has gone thru parts of those same feelings you wrote.  How to actually figure out what you are, who you are, or what you are suffering from would take a therapist, trained to identify gender disorders.  That being said, 'sounds like, ya, you got it, and it'll get worse, or stronger, with age.

Find a therapist, talk out what you really feel inside.  Be aware that unless he or she really knows GID, or works with trans...  any that say, it's a phase, or you just have to think about something else, or like Cher, slaps Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck, and hollers "snap out of it!", (my wife's fav saying to get me to stop changing), turn and RUN! 

You've taken a good step by coming here, you've got a new family here that can help, if nothing else, you can get all the cyber hugs you need.

Thanks for the quick replies and advice!

Yeah, I'm quickly coming to the conclusion I should probably seek professional help. Options for that are slim while at university (next few months), but there is a Pride society, so I can go to that. And hopefully I can hang around here as well :P

Thanks for the warm welcome :)

Being there at the university, it might be worth taking a stroll down to the Physcology Dept and asking if there are therapists for the students.  Here in the US, most larger colleges have counsellors/advisors for the student body, and can likely recommend a therapist, or at least a practice that could help.

Yup, that sounds like dysphoria to me.

In my experience, university counselling services for students are a great place to start.  They often have licensed therapists who are very familiar with LGBT issues, and the best part is that the services are often free or extremely well priced.  Give them a call and see what they can do.

Don't worry too much.  Experiencing dysphoria doesn't mean you're going to be forced to transition or anything.  You may find that just talking about it keeps it under control.  All I can say with certainty is that locking those feelings away and not sharing them with a therapist is the worst way to cope.

You're doing the right things so far.  It's confusing!

Like everyone else said ^^ Seek help, I mean there is no downside to it, it can't hurt can it.

But I just wanted to add this because I don't think I saw any of the above mention this while I skimmed through the comments. At least for me when I realised the true possibility of the transgender path. (I always knew what trans was but shockingly I never knew it could be a real path to go down and that you could go see doctors about it bla bla bla) When I started to look it all up and just like you I started using the terms dysphoria and trans when thinking about my self, It was VERY, VERY overwhelming. But with time things slowly begun to clear and my true desire became more and more defined.
So yea time really does help, eventually you'll be able to see things clearly and you'll know what the right decision to make for your self is, the info just needs time to process and shizzle.