Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Blue Rabbit on April 21, 2014, 10:04:20 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Blue Rabbit Incoming!
Post by: Blue Rabbit on April 21, 2014, 10:04:20 PM
Post by: Blue Rabbit on April 21, 2014, 10:04:20 PM
Hey!
So I've had a gander round the forums, been looking for a site like this for a while and this looks like a pretty good one. And when I was researching a lot to do with trans stuff and all that good shizzle over the last year and a bit this site came up a hell of a lot! So that must mean it has a lot of good info and knowledgeable community members no?
So thought I'd post a little intro (Gawwd, hope it's a little intro, I normally over do it with these sort of things)
Like I said I had a little look round and I'm really looking forward to getting to know the community, some of the tales people have shared on here have not just been helpful, but really interesting too.
Also I know absolutely no people who even know of a trans person! So it'll be really helpful to have this site available if I need it.
As for the name! "Blue Rabbit" like I said over the last year and a bit this site came up a loooot! so I really didn't wanna put my real name or what will be my real name as my user name because of silly paranoia. I'm a very open person but still If I do end up finding a home within this community I don't want someone in the future to be able to google my name and see all my past worries, questions and insecurities (Don't mind if they see the good stuff! But just saying there might be threads where ya know I open up 'n stuff and don't want that at the grasp of google if that makes sense) So I hope the name is alright and acceptable.
'Boot Me!
A lot of people in the sorta trans community or when they speak about the topic go waaaay back to like when they were two or four years old! I'm not calling them liars at all but gosh.... I have no idea what I was doing let alone thinking at that age. I find it difficult to imagine other people can remember details of way back when they were very, very young but maybe I've just got a ->-bleeped-<- memory.
But I think people go back that far who feel like they maybe trans or what ever do it because you're often asked (Or at least I am) by family, doctors and the such "How long have you felt this way / When did you start feeling like this" Which is a logical question to ask! But for me there is no "When were you inflicted with this?!" this is me and I've always been like this and had these feelings. I think that is why people in the trans community normally go back at such a young age like two or four years old because thats most likely their first memories.
But if I HAD to pin point an age I guess 12-14 was when I had the thoughts "Why do I wanna be a girl" as I said the feeling has always been there but that is when I started questioning and noticing that it wasn't normal to feel that way. That other people didn't have this issue and even though I've always had the feeling most likely all trans people have felt. I didn't know what it was, I was confused and uncomfortable I guess, thats the only two words I can find to describe it without writing a book.
I'm a young scally-wag! So I've been brought up in the world of video games! And at the age of 12-14 most likely 13-14.... Maaaybe. I used really got into games where I could "role-play", You'd find a community of people who wanna role-play on what ever game ya playing on and you would create a character, what they look like, their back story, their personality and all that crap. And you'd pretend to be them basically in this "world" maybe a bit like acting I suppose. Bah, you all must know what role-play is anyway.
Anyway I used to love it so much! Because you'd be part of a story and the future of that story is undefined. The characters in the story would develop along with the story and you'd really be in the middle of it, far closer than if you read a book or watched a movie.
But... One day I created a female character..... And I liked it...
While in the real world girly things like... I dunno makeup! is an alright example I guess. Not all girly things as I wouldn't consider my set a "girly girl" but some I would be really curious about. Makeup, nails stuff like that really did interest me and still does, not because their girly (Or I don't feel like I like them cause their girly) but because their art. When I was with my friends and the girls would mess around and put makeup on the boys I always managed to be the one they were putting makeup on. And I loved it, I thought the concept was fantastic, it's art truly! My taste isn't "girly" I don't think but painting your nails for example is considered girly. So I remember having a hard time understanding why society worked like that.... I should be able to paint my ->-bleeped-<-ing nails with small flames if I want to! XD Or black with white skulls or what ever!
So I was curious, liked it and looooooved the concept of some "girly things" but it was wrong. I've been brought up with two older brothers, we are all very competitive and used to tease each other from time to time like brothers do. I wouldn't wanna come home in makeup in front of them! one of our most used comments would be "I ain't wearing that it's girly give it to one of my brothers" Not because they were girly, they aren't just cause it was a funny insult and the clothing was girly. I dunno I guess it was all very competitive and even being male was something we subconsciously would compete at.
So no way I was gonna explore "girly interests" or what ever in "real life" I've done a lot of naughty things growing up, including stealing a car (Stupid kids) but the feeling that you're doing something wrong, being bad, you shouldn't be doing it when I would I dunno have makeup put on me, mess around with wigs or what ever compared to NOTHING and was always wwaaaaay to much for me to bare what so ever.
But! This computer game shizzle, the roleplaying on there...... No one would ever find out, and when I thought about it I wasn't doing anything wrong, it doesn't mean I'm "gay" (which was another big concern for some reason at younger ages). It was a safe way to explore my curiosity. I remember it was only suppose to be a temporary thing.
But the more I created female characters to throw into this world and act out and watch their story unfold and their personalities develop. The HARDER it was to create decent male characters even if I tried! Even to this day I would be able to create an EPIC female character with a very interesting story behind her. But a male character? It shouldn't make a difference but I can't come up with ->-bleeped-<- for a male character, personality, story what ever it would all be bland.
So I still felt "bad, naughty, wrong" when roleplaying female characters pretending to be these female characters (Just a quick note "IC" would mean In Character. "OOC" would mean out of character. IC is the character. OOC is you, the person at the computer. I never pretended "OOC" to be a female IF I was asked) So it still felt bad but I would enjoy it more and more, didn't understand why I had any of these feelings and eventually came to the conclusion it was nothing, it's fine just do what you want and ignore the "shame"
So time went on, years went by. I've always been social, so yea some times I'd get lost in this gaming world but I'd always have friends and have a life of my own too.
But they kinda felt separate but I didn't really know why.... In this gaming world I would continue to play female characters and create stories for them and draw them and think about them and all that shizzle.
In real life I would avoid girly stuff cause it was girly! And I wouldn't want to feel ashamed and I never really got bullied or anything like that, I have to admit I've always been "different" and thats not coming from me! XD Thats coming from pretty much everyone I've ever met. But never bullied my uniqueness lets say what ever it is, is ME! and I was lucky to be around a lot of people who loved me BECAUSE of that uniqueness. Because I'm a bit off my rocker, because I'm like what ever I'm like. They couldn't imagine me differently.
And then another interesting thing! was some time before I was 18 (We broke up when I was 18 I think, were together for three years some point before that though) I had a girlfriend, I've had a couple of girlfriends but this is the closest one I had and we were together for the longest which was three years. She actually always filled the male roles (apart from sex) all little things but I was the "female" in the relationship if you were to put tags on us. And it just naturally was like that, VERY clearly.... Towards the end that was actually one of the things that bothered her, no matter how hard we tried thats just the way things went, I would fit the more female like role.
And then I dunno 17-20 this "gay" thing kept and keeps coming up... When I meet some one knew they often think I'm gay which isn't a big deal what so ever in the area I live it's just what they think. And then when I try to go after a female it's then they are surprised for what ever reason, and when I look into the topic with the person out of curiosity, no one has ever said they believe I am "camp" or look gay and have no idea why they thought I was..... Just for some reason they thought I was. I don't say anything I believe and other people seem to believe that sounds "gay" I certainly don't flirt with men! Weird.
Anyway 18-20 which I am now, 20. Was actually when I discovered trans. By that I mean I always knew the word and what it meant but I had no clue transitioning and all that was a real path to take. I've had to do a LOT of research because at the start my knowledge was horrible, wrong and I'm ashamed of the knowledge I used to have because of how it was so incorrect and ignorant. But even after research it took me a long time to accept who I am and what "issues" I have. Like I said I've always been me, felt the same way..... This feeling or feelings has ALWAYS been there in every aspect of my life and I never knew exactly what it was and because it was always there you deal with it.... It took me a long time to decide what I might want to do and like I said accept who I am and what barriers I may have to overcome.
And like I also said I've never been like mental on video games playing them 24/7 I always had a life. But it's still interesting to see the more comfortable I became being me and accepting what "issues" I may have, the more knowledge I obtained on trans and the such....... The less I "Roleplayed" made the characters and their stories...... I still enjoy it it's a form of art. And I game from time to time just as much as I used to because that too is a form of art I truly believe. But the "roleplaying", acting pretending what ever you wanna call it, well yea it's decreased a lot and I mentioned it in this post a lot because I really think it was my coping mechanism, a way to explore this feeling and my curiosity and all that. Because even though I live in a very "advanced open" area for example at school some bullies WERE the gay people, if you said something bad about gay people you were true scum and everyone believed that, you are who you are. Even though thats the area I've been brought up in trans is something entirely different and the male a female "roles" are still present and it's "weird" if you fit a role that is confusing because of your appearance. And not the good weird.
So blooming hell I was really trying to keep that short but..... It didn't happen.
Believe it or not thats a short time line of my past that seems to keep propping up into my head recently.
I won't say much in addition to why I believe I'm trans, why I believe I should've been born a female or any feelings or emotions I have on it that weren't explained in the looong time line. I'll leave that for another way to long thread.
The only thing I'll say in addition is that I don't want to be "girly" yes I get on with some females very, very well but I don't secretly with that I was accepting into their crew or what ever...... I just want to be me, and the true me happens to be a female and happens to appear as a female. - XD That sounds very contradicting but I can't really explain it any better.
Well if anyone read that SORRY massively cause wow I've just wasted loads of your time, but if you've read it please give me some feed back below.
So I've had a gander round the forums, been looking for a site like this for a while and this looks like a pretty good one. And when I was researching a lot to do with trans stuff and all that good shizzle over the last year and a bit this site came up a hell of a lot! So that must mean it has a lot of good info and knowledgeable community members no?
So thought I'd post a little intro (Gawwd, hope it's a little intro, I normally over do it with these sort of things)
Like I said I had a little look round and I'm really looking forward to getting to know the community, some of the tales people have shared on here have not just been helpful, but really interesting too.
Also I know absolutely no people who even know of a trans person! So it'll be really helpful to have this site available if I need it.
As for the name! "Blue Rabbit" like I said over the last year and a bit this site came up a loooot! so I really didn't wanna put my real name or what will be my real name as my user name because of silly paranoia. I'm a very open person but still If I do end up finding a home within this community I don't want someone in the future to be able to google my name and see all my past worries, questions and insecurities (Don't mind if they see the good stuff! But just saying there might be threads where ya know I open up 'n stuff and don't want that at the grasp of google if that makes sense) So I hope the name is alright and acceptable.
'Boot Me!
A lot of people in the sorta trans community or when they speak about the topic go waaaay back to like when they were two or four years old! I'm not calling them liars at all but gosh.... I have no idea what I was doing let alone thinking at that age. I find it difficult to imagine other people can remember details of way back when they were very, very young but maybe I've just got a ->-bleeped-<- memory.
But I think people go back that far who feel like they maybe trans or what ever do it because you're often asked (Or at least I am) by family, doctors and the such "How long have you felt this way / When did you start feeling like this" Which is a logical question to ask! But for me there is no "When were you inflicted with this?!" this is me and I've always been like this and had these feelings. I think that is why people in the trans community normally go back at such a young age like two or four years old because thats most likely their first memories.
So I AM Blue Rabbit and I Am trans gender MtF. Always have been most likely always will be.
But if I HAD to pin point an age I guess 12-14 was when I had the thoughts "Why do I wanna be a girl" as I said the feeling has always been there but that is when I started questioning and noticing that it wasn't normal to feel that way. That other people didn't have this issue and even though I've always had the feeling most likely all trans people have felt. I didn't know what it was, I was confused and uncomfortable I guess, thats the only two words I can find to describe it without writing a book.
I'm a young scally-wag! So I've been brought up in the world of video games! And at the age of 12-14 most likely 13-14.... Maaaybe. I used really got into games where I could "role-play", You'd find a community of people who wanna role-play on what ever game ya playing on and you would create a character, what they look like, their back story, their personality and all that crap. And you'd pretend to be them basically in this "world" maybe a bit like acting I suppose. Bah, you all must know what role-play is anyway.
Anyway I used to love it so much! Because you'd be part of a story and the future of that story is undefined. The characters in the story would develop along with the story and you'd really be in the middle of it, far closer than if you read a book or watched a movie.
But... One day I created a female character..... And I liked it...
While in the real world girly things like... I dunno makeup! is an alright example I guess. Not all girly things as I wouldn't consider my set a "girly girl" but some I would be really curious about. Makeup, nails stuff like that really did interest me and still does, not because their girly (Or I don't feel like I like them cause their girly) but because their art. When I was with my friends and the girls would mess around and put makeup on the boys I always managed to be the one they were putting makeup on. And I loved it, I thought the concept was fantastic, it's art truly! My taste isn't "girly" I don't think but painting your nails for example is considered girly. So I remember having a hard time understanding why society worked like that.... I should be able to paint my ->-bleeped-<-ing nails with small flames if I want to! XD Or black with white skulls or what ever!
So I was curious, liked it and looooooved the concept of some "girly things" but it was wrong. I've been brought up with two older brothers, we are all very competitive and used to tease each other from time to time like brothers do. I wouldn't wanna come home in makeup in front of them! one of our most used comments would be "I ain't wearing that it's girly give it to one of my brothers" Not because they were girly, they aren't just cause it was a funny insult and the clothing was girly. I dunno I guess it was all very competitive and even being male was something we subconsciously would compete at.
So no way I was gonna explore "girly interests" or what ever in "real life" I've done a lot of naughty things growing up, including stealing a car (Stupid kids) but the feeling that you're doing something wrong, being bad, you shouldn't be doing it when I would I dunno have makeup put on me, mess around with wigs or what ever compared to NOTHING and was always wwaaaaay to much for me to bare what so ever.
But! This computer game shizzle, the roleplaying on there...... No one would ever find out, and when I thought about it I wasn't doing anything wrong, it doesn't mean I'm "gay" (which was another big concern for some reason at younger ages). It was a safe way to explore my curiosity. I remember it was only suppose to be a temporary thing.
But the more I created female characters to throw into this world and act out and watch their story unfold and their personalities develop. The HARDER it was to create decent male characters even if I tried! Even to this day I would be able to create an EPIC female character with a very interesting story behind her. But a male character? It shouldn't make a difference but I can't come up with ->-bleeped-<- for a male character, personality, story what ever it would all be bland.
So I still felt "bad, naughty, wrong" when roleplaying female characters pretending to be these female characters (Just a quick note "IC" would mean In Character. "OOC" would mean out of character. IC is the character. OOC is you, the person at the computer. I never pretended "OOC" to be a female IF I was asked) So it still felt bad but I would enjoy it more and more, didn't understand why I had any of these feelings and eventually came to the conclusion it was nothing, it's fine just do what you want and ignore the "shame"
So time went on, years went by. I've always been social, so yea some times I'd get lost in this gaming world but I'd always have friends and have a life of my own too.
But they kinda felt separate but I didn't really know why.... In this gaming world I would continue to play female characters and create stories for them and draw them and think about them and all that shizzle.
In real life I would avoid girly stuff cause it was girly! And I wouldn't want to feel ashamed and I never really got bullied or anything like that, I have to admit I've always been "different" and thats not coming from me! XD Thats coming from pretty much everyone I've ever met. But never bullied my uniqueness lets say what ever it is, is ME! and I was lucky to be around a lot of people who loved me BECAUSE of that uniqueness. Because I'm a bit off my rocker, because I'm like what ever I'm like. They couldn't imagine me differently.
And then another interesting thing! was some time before I was 18 (We broke up when I was 18 I think, were together for three years some point before that though) I had a girlfriend, I've had a couple of girlfriends but this is the closest one I had and we were together for the longest which was three years. She actually always filled the male roles (apart from sex) all little things but I was the "female" in the relationship if you were to put tags on us. And it just naturally was like that, VERY clearly.... Towards the end that was actually one of the things that bothered her, no matter how hard we tried thats just the way things went, I would fit the more female like role.
And then I dunno 17-20 this "gay" thing kept and keeps coming up... When I meet some one knew they often think I'm gay which isn't a big deal what so ever in the area I live it's just what they think. And then when I try to go after a female it's then they are surprised for what ever reason, and when I look into the topic with the person out of curiosity, no one has ever said they believe I am "camp" or look gay and have no idea why they thought I was..... Just for some reason they thought I was. I don't say anything I believe and other people seem to believe that sounds "gay" I certainly don't flirt with men! Weird.
Anyway 18-20 which I am now, 20. Was actually when I discovered trans. By that I mean I always knew the word and what it meant but I had no clue transitioning and all that was a real path to take. I've had to do a LOT of research because at the start my knowledge was horrible, wrong and I'm ashamed of the knowledge I used to have because of how it was so incorrect and ignorant. But even after research it took me a long time to accept who I am and what "issues" I have. Like I said I've always been me, felt the same way..... This feeling or feelings has ALWAYS been there in every aspect of my life and I never knew exactly what it was and because it was always there you deal with it.... It took me a long time to decide what I might want to do and like I said accept who I am and what barriers I may have to overcome.
And like I also said I've never been like mental on video games playing them 24/7 I always had a life. But it's still interesting to see the more comfortable I became being me and accepting what "issues" I may have, the more knowledge I obtained on trans and the such....... The less I "Roleplayed" made the characters and their stories...... I still enjoy it it's a form of art. And I game from time to time just as much as I used to because that too is a form of art I truly believe. But the "roleplaying", acting pretending what ever you wanna call it, well yea it's decreased a lot and I mentioned it in this post a lot because I really think it was my coping mechanism, a way to explore this feeling and my curiosity and all that. Because even though I live in a very "advanced open" area for example at school some bullies WERE the gay people, if you said something bad about gay people you were true scum and everyone believed that, you are who you are. Even though thats the area I've been brought up in trans is something entirely different and the male a female "roles" are still present and it's "weird" if you fit a role that is confusing because of your appearance. And not the good weird.
So blooming hell I was really trying to keep that short but..... It didn't happen.
Believe it or not thats a short time line of my past that seems to keep propping up into my head recently.
I won't say much in addition to why I believe I'm trans, why I believe I should've been born a female or any feelings or emotions I have on it that weren't explained in the looong time line. I'll leave that for another way to long thread.
The only thing I'll say in addition is that I don't want to be "girly" yes I get on with some females very, very well but I don't secretly with that I was accepting into their crew or what ever...... I just want to be me, and the true me happens to be a female and happens to appear as a female. - XD That sounds very contradicting but I can't really explain it any better.
Well if anyone read that SORRY massively cause wow I've just wasted loads of your time, but if you've read it please give me some feed back below.
Title: Re: Blue Rabbit Incoming!
Post by: JulieBlair on April 22, 2014, 01:19:05 AM
Post by: JulieBlair on April 22, 2014, 01:19:05 AM
Welcome Miss Rabbit,
What a fun read :) You clearly have a lot to share, and will be fun to get to know. In all of that (and I may have missed it) I didn't see anything about getting some professional guidance. Beginning to be authentic is liberating, but I caution you that being trans isn't an internet video session. There are consequences and not all are much fun. Still thank you for making me smile, and welcome. BTW a lot of us get confused for gay, I have spent a lot of my life on the edge of that community, and it somehow just didn't quite fit. This does.
Julie
What a fun read :) You clearly have a lot to share, and will be fun to get to know. In all of that (and I may have missed it) I didn't see anything about getting some professional guidance. Beginning to be authentic is liberating, but I caution you that being trans isn't an internet video session. There are consequences and not all are much fun. Still thank you for making me smile, and welcome. BTW a lot of us get confused for gay, I have spent a lot of my life on the edge of that community, and it somehow just didn't quite fit. This does.
Julie
Title: Re: Blue Rabbit Incoming!
Post by: Blue Rabbit on April 22, 2014, 02:24:09 AM
Post by: Blue Rabbit on April 22, 2014, 02:24:09 AM
Heya! Thanks for the welcome!
Im quite early in the proffessonal help area, I went to the doctors about this issue three or four months ago, he was very supportive but wanted to deal with my depression first. Ive improved a lot recently and fought the depresson well with his help and hes happy to now move on to finding me more specialist help.
But last time i saw him he needed to research contacts, people, places to see who to refer me to and who would best suit me. So he mentioned id take a mental health evaluation which will happen soon and we will take it from there.
As for the consequences wow believe me ive thought about them, the last about a year ive been researching this every day, thinking about it almost no stop every day and before that i felt it every day since i can remember. Im still not 100% sure if i will end up transitioning. But recently with the support of my friends im becoming more and more confident with what i wanna do and feel safer than i have in a while because of their support
Im quite early in the proffessonal help area, I went to the doctors about this issue three or four months ago, he was very supportive but wanted to deal with my depression first. Ive improved a lot recently and fought the depresson well with his help and hes happy to now move on to finding me more specialist help.
But last time i saw him he needed to research contacts, people, places to see who to refer me to and who would best suit me. So he mentioned id take a mental health evaluation which will happen soon and we will take it from there.
As for the consequences wow believe me ive thought about them, the last about a year ive been researching this every day, thinking about it almost no stop every day and before that i felt it every day since i can remember. Im still not 100% sure if i will end up transitioning. But recently with the support of my friends im becoming more and more confident with what i wanna do and feel safer than i have in a while because of their support
Title: Re: Blue Rabbit Incoming!
Post by: Cindy on April 22, 2014, 02:38:52 AM
Post by: Cindy on April 22, 2014, 02:38:52 AM
Hi Blue Rabbit, and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
Welcome and enjoy the site
Cindy
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Welcome and enjoy the site
Cindy