Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm just feeling gross today. I'm tired of being a ->-bleeped-<-. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate life. I don't know how you people do it. I am just so wrong. My existence & everything about me is disgusting. I hate this. I don't wanna live like this.

Im sorry you feel this way :( and i can relate,however its my male body that disgusts me not being trans

Quote from: sad panda on April 22, 2014, 09:38:02 PM
I'm just feeling gross today. I'm tired of being a ->-bleeped-<-. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate life. I don't know how you people do it. I am just so wrong. My existence & everything about me is disgusting. I hate this. I don't wanna live like this.

I get like this too. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a ->-bleeped-<-. I feel that I am unnatural and I don't fit in the world. In fact when I see other transgender people it gives this weird vibe around them where I feel like something is off about them, almost like an uncanny valley. I would love to be a cismale who was straight or even gay. I hate being a tranwoman and I feel like a freak because of it.

Hi,

I have read some of your posts but not many.  I do not fully understand your situation.  Unfortunately, although I have been here for over a year, I don't post as often nor read as much as I probably should. 

All I can think about is to find where on the gender spectrum you belong and to live there.  I am sorry that I do not know more.

Hugs,

Jen

Stop thinking and just relax for a few ... Now no matter how small what makes you smile ? if its some one then call them ..if it as simple as wonderful smell like favorite food then get you some of that .You ever notice no matter how crappy you feel if you pet a dog or cat it just melts away .. Yes we have all been on dark side but no matter how hard it is for us at the time you will feel better just push a little its worth it to smile .. Talk to me here if i can help cause i know you can not do everything by your self .. AKA Sara

just not ok right now.

Quote from: HoneyBunny on April 22, 2014, 09:47:01 PM
I get like this too. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a ->-bleeped-<-. I feel that I am unnatural and I don't fit in the world. In fact when I see other transgender people it gives this weird vibe around them where I feel like something is off about them, almost like an uncanny valley. I would love to be a cismale who was straight or even gay. I hate being a tranwoman and I feel like a freak because of it.

I think like that all the time. I just wish I was "normal". I broke down on Sunday night feeling like I'm a mistake. I feel guilty for even being alive. I don't know why I even try most days.

Take a nap and the feeling will go away. Or go run 5 miles. Make your body sore, that'll show it that the little girl up in the brain is the boss!  :-*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taEi62ZQClQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Maybe the problem is us being an oval trying to fit into a circle? And all these collisions from trying to fit is reverberating. The circle of cis'hood requires a lot of precision and elegance.

So we're not perfect in trans.

This is why I believe I'll find happiness accepting I've changed from a square to something that's just a bit more perfect. A middle ground of androgyny. And that oval should seat within an oval. It simplifies a lot of things when trying to conform. It makes whole lotta sense.

Sorry for the mysterious posts, I just needed to say something to someone, I was not stable and I was pretty much getting ready to call someone and have them commit me cuz i was starting to be unsure whether I would make it thru the night. luckily my boyfriend woke up and slowly talked me back into sanity but it was definitely not a good night. Thanks for yalls advice just last night I definitely was in no state to talk it out. Honestly it still feels pretty bleak to me and I don't want to be this but there's nothing i can do.

I've said it elsewhere, but hating your self/body/life isn't really going to help you feel anything but more miserable, it's a closed loop of self-loathing. You can break the circuit you know. Would you blame/hate/harangue a person who was born without eyes for not being able to see? I'd hope not. By the same token I hope you wouldn't blame/hate/harangue another trans person because they weren't born cis...so why would you inflict loathing that on yourself? You are a worthwhile person, your life has meaning, you are not ugly or loathsome... but none of that is true if you don't believe it yourself. :-\

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 03:01:49 AM
Honestly it still feels pretty bleak to me and I don't want to be this but there's nothing i can do.

Hugs, Panda.

Yes, being trans condemns us to walk a road we do not choose that takes us into a strange country.

You have the strength to carry on and thrive. I promise you. Look inside yourself. It's there. Hard to find amid the pain and uncertainty, sure, but you ARE strong enough.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 23, 2014, 06:54:27 AM
I've said it elsewhere, but hating your self/body/life isn't really going to help you feel anything but more miserable, it's a closed loop of self-loathing. You can break the circuit you know. Would you blame/hate/harangue a person who was born without eyes for not being able to see? I'd hope not. By the same token I hope you wouldn't blame/hate/harangue another trans person because they weren't born cis...so why would you inflict loathing that on yourself? You are a worthwhile person, your life has meaning, you are not ugly or loathsome... but none of that is true if you don't believe it yourself. :-\

It's not that easy if you're crazy... even if I know things most of the time, last night I was not me. It was like if somebody replaced me with a psychopath that hates me for a few hours and let them loose on my life. Being trans is an easy target in that state and it just worstens the severity of it because honestly being trans has really robbed me of a sense of validity in myself. And a stability I didn't even know I had before. :( It's pretty bad when my bf is making concessions like "we'll work smth out, you can even detransition," to keep me from walking out the front door in the middle of the night and just leaving, barefoot and in my pajamas, in the pitch black dark, without any plans, just vaguely hoping I would die.

I don't know if I'm mentally stable enough to be trans.... :(

But i also don't value my future in a way that I used to... it's surreal... not even caring... cuz I'm still going to be and feel wrong and i can't become unaware of that.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad your boyfriend's talk helped you a bit.  I wish I had something helpful to say.  Have you opened up with your therapist about the level of your depression and your sadness over being trans?  Maybe going further into things will help.  Again, sorry I can't help, but I do hope you make it through this. 

Quote from: learningtolive on April 23, 2014, 09:34:14 AM
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad your boyfriend's talk helped you a bit.  I wish I had something helpful to say.  Have you opened up with your therapist about the level of your depression and your sadness over being trans?  Maybe going further into things will help.  Again, sorry I can't help, but I do hope you make it through this.

I hate to talk about it with my therapist tbh. :x or anyone. Nobody gets it really, I mean they don't like to have to think about it. (me being trans)

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 09:45:16 AM
I hate to talk about it with my therapist tbh. :x or anyone. Nobody gets it really, I mean they don't like to have to think about it. (me being trans)

I get it, but you are hurting.  Don't you deserve to feel better?  Doesn't your pain matter? 

Whatever, you decide to do, sad panda, I just hope you make it through this someway.  You don't deserve to suffer with this.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 23, 2014, 09:52:32 AM
I get it, but you are hurting.  Don't you deserve to feel better?  Doesn't your pain matter? 

Whatever, you decide to do, sad panda, I just hope you make it through this someway.  You don't deserve to suffer with this.

Thanks. I'm trying but obviously slipping up. :( just dont know, it's drivng me crazy either way. I think it matters but just feeling kind of ruined so i don't know how to fix it.

It may seem silly to ask this, but what is your HRT regimen?

I am not qualified nor a doctor, but it sounds to me like you have severe dysphoria- which is the number one thing a successful treatment plan helps to alleviate. If I were you I'd be talking to my endocrinologist about this first and foremost.

Quote from: Jennygirl on April 23, 2014, 10:13:05 AM
It may seem silly to ask this, but what is your HRT regimen?

I am not qualified nor a doctor, but it sounds to me like you have severe dysphoria- which is the number one thing a successful treatment plan helps to alleviate. If I were you I'd be talking to my endocrinologist about this first and foremost.

I'm just on a highish normal dose. My levels are okay though my T is a lil high. I don't think it's that though, i was happier pre hornones (I think they amplify my mood swings)

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 09:59:06 AM
Thanks. I'm trying but obviously slipping up. :( just dont know, it's drivng me crazy either way. I think it matters but just feeling kind of ruined so i don't know how to fix it.

It's okay to not have all the answers.  As long as you try to find them, that's what matters.  It seems you're in a lot of pain and don't know how to escape it.  Maybe opening up to those around you and getting the help you deserve will enable you to get there?  It's nice to see your boyfriend was listening to what you said last night.  Maybe continuing to open up with him and you therapist will help you get there and find those answers?  I don't know, and I don't have any of the answers for myself obviously, but I do care and hate seeing you feel this way all the time.  You deserve better than that. 

Quote from: learningtolive on April 23, 2014, 10:31:13 AM
It's okay to not have all the answers.  As long as you try to find them, that's what matters.  It seems you're in a lot of pain and don't know how to escape it.  Maybe opening up to those around you and getting the help you deserve will enable you to get there?  It's nice to see your boyfriend was listening to what you said last night.  Maybe continuing to open up with him and you therapist will help you get there and find those answers?  I don't know, and I don't have any of the answers for myself obviously, but I do care and hate seeing you feel this way all the time.  You deserve better than that.

Yeah.... I do want to tell my therapist about maybe wanting to detransition, though if I want to change my gender on my license still I will need her letter, so I guess I'm waiting until then, since idk if she would write it if i wasn't even sure, you know?

My boyfriend knows all this though, he just doesn't know what to say, and i don't blame him.

I don't really know either, but it definitely is hard to figure out. Anyway not to go on a tangent, i was just in a bad place yesterday not just because of being trans but some past stuff, I'm a lot more stable today. But thank you for caring. (:

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 10:43:20 AM
Yeah.... I do want to tell my therapist about maybe wanting to detransition, though if I want to change my gender on my license still I will need her letter, so I guess I'm waiting until then, since idk if she would write it if i wasn't even sure, you know?

My boyfriend knows all this though, he just doesn't know what to say, and i don't blame him.

I don't really know either, but it definitely is hard to figure out. Anyway not to go on a tangent, i was just in a bad place yesterday not just because of being trans but some past stuff, I'm a lot more stable today. But thank you for caring. (:

in all honesty i can tell you that i was on hormones for 9 months a couple years ago, i had these feelings you are having, doubts about if i will ever pass, the hormones reduced my GID but replaced it with depression, i cut my long beautiful 3 year grown out hair, and stopped my meds, came home showed my dad to make him happy, as soon as i got home into my room i looked in the mirror and then proceeded to ball my eyes out for probably a constant 2 hours, it was the worst mistake i had ever made in my life and two years later, to this day it still is,

for the next year i tried to "be the man" everyone wanted me to be but the GID hit me so hard when the hormones were gone and the testosterone started up again, 9 months ago i started my hrt again but instead this time i am on spiro instead of cypro as my anti androgen, and wow what a difference, im so much happier since i don't have the depression i got from cypro

it was the worst mistake to detransition but it was also the best, that experience is something i will remember for the rest of my life and it has gotten me through the hard emotional times i go through every once in a while when i doubt my transition, i want to say learn from my experience but then again just like life you need to put a fork in a toaster to know why your not supposed to do it again lol

Quote from: TiffanyT on April 22, 2014, 10:22:08 PM
I think like that all the time. I just wish I was "normal". I broke down on Sunday night feeling like I'm a mistake. I feel guilty for even being alive. I don't know why I even try most days.

aww reading that i wanted to give you a big warm teary eyed hug

Quote from: Madison (kiara jamie) on April 23, 2014, 10:46:20 PM
in all honesty i can tell you that i was on hormones for 9 months a couple years ago, i had these feelings you are having, doubts about if i will ever pass, the hormones reduced my GID but replaced it with depression, i cut my long beautiful 3 year grown out hair, and stopped my meds, came home showed my dad to make him happy, as soon as i got home into my room i looked in the mirror and then proceeded to ball my eyes out for probably a constant 2 hours, it was the worst mistake i had ever made in my life and two years later, to this day it still is,

for the next year i tried to "be the man" everyone wanted me to be but the GID hit me so hard when the hormones were gone and the testosterone started up again, 9 months ago i started my hrt again but instead this time i am on spiro instead of cypro as my anti androgen, and wow what a difference, im so much happier since i don't have the depression i got from cypro

it was the worst mistake to detransition but it was also the best, that experience is something i will remember for the rest of my life and it has gotten me through the hard emotional times i go through every once in a while when i doubt my transition, i want to say learn from my experience but then again just like life you need to put a fork in a toaster to know why your not supposed to do it again lol

aww reading that i wanted to give you a big warm teary eyed hug

I guess i just don't feel like I have GID exactly the way other people here have it. I mainly just want to be myself and it's ok if that is a girl or boy in principle, it gets hard with gender policing as a boy but. And I think i'm ultimtely more of a girl but I'm not sure about being trans just to be that.

I hate to think that like I was ok as a boy before transition, but that now just because i transitioned i never can be again, like i opened some weird can of worms. Maybe if i just found something else to think about, like another goal in life, I could be okay with the constraints of living as a fem gay boy.

But, just to be clear, this is almost 100% social dysphoria, I have no attachment to a girlier body beyond straight guys preferring it. I wouldn't mind being flat again at all for example. but either way I'm never going to have a masculine bod.