Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This post was inspired by the childhood photos and Facebook threads.  It seems like most people want to go stealth, or have the option to, or at least just keep the past in the past.

Is there anyone (besides me) who is OK with people knowing their Trans*ness and their previous gender presentation?  Why or why not?

I'm probably going to stay out due to the fact that it will make explaining how my son has two biological dads easier. I won't be as out as I am now though.

Where I live it is such a small community I could never go stealth here. Also I was Emergency Services for 28 years so pretty much the rest of the state knows now as well. That is the only draw back of having a very visible career. I will always be trans anyway since I am not cis. It doesn't bother me as long as the people stay respectful and don't cause unnecessary issue's for me. :)

I'll most likely always stay out and open and welcoming to help educate anyone who's willing to learn. I'm one of those if you don't ask me I won't bring it up usually, types of people. So if and when I pass ect, I'll probably just carry on about my life until the subject comes up.

I'm not objective to talking about it, but I won't ya know go around with a shirt that has bold letters on it stating I'm trans lol. That and I'm with Edge as well. I have two kiddos and they'll both always know, along with their dr for medical reasons ect.

After transitioning I don't think I'd walk around town with a sign saying I'm trans*, but I wouldn't try and hide it from anyone. I've never considered medical records and similar things "private". That probably comes from growing up in a very medically oriented family and also having so many medical issues as a kid. 16 doctors at UCSF standing in line to examine me when I was about 8.

The only reason I'm staying stealth in boy mode as I start transition is I'm not sure how my boss will react yet so I haven't figured out the best way to bring up the topic yet.

I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but generally when I hide something, I feel like I'm acting ashamed. Even if rationally I know I'm just concealing it for the sake of convenience or "it's none of their business" (which, really, it's not), it just doesn't feel good to me. Plus, I know what a huge difference meeting actual trans* folks made in my perception of the transition process, and if I can be that for someone else, it's worth catching some extra flak here and there. So yeah, I will likely stay pretty "out".

I'm moderately stealth? I'm only known as gay at work and in general day to day life. No one knows that I am trans except for my close friends and family, and doctors (who need to know)

I don't see any point in telling people, it seems like TMI. I don't want to deal with all of the inevitable questions and possible loss of respect, especially now that I have been promoted and have a bit of authority over my coworkers. I don't want trans to be a part of my label, I just want to be, the guy, Elijah. The gay guy is fine.. but just a guy.

in response to brotherben, I don't feel like I am hiding anything, its just not a "need to know" matter.  I feel like if I were to tell someone at work that I was trans would be almost like telling them to think about me in an inappropriate manner, in my opinion it could be like a guy who somehow lost his penis going around and telling people about it. As far as I am concerned the only female part about me now is whats in my pants, and my history, history is in the past and the other is my own business.

Hope this doesn't sound bad, but for me it depends on whether I get to a point where I'm 100% passable. If nobody can tell, then I'll identify as female. If I am never really passable, then I'd embrace my trans* nature and make it a selling point. It's not that I'm embarrassed to be trans, its more, if I can be the woman I was born as completely, why identify as trans*?.

 

Quote from: Kara Jayde on April 24, 2014, 12:02:37 AM
Hope this doesn't sound bad, but for me it depends on whether I get to a point where I'm 100% passable. If nobody can tell, then I'll identify as female. If I am never really passable, then I'd embrace my trans* nature and make it a selling point. It's not that I'm embarrassed to be trans, its more, if I can be the woman I was born as completely, why identify as trans*?.

exactly, I'm FTM, female to MALE, thats the whole point, I am not female to trans. yes, yes I know I will always be trans and nothing can change that, but I don't have to identify as such if I pass.

No.  I don't tell people now, and I'm don't consider my transition finished. 

Quote from: BrotherBen on April 23, 2014, 11:34:58 PM
I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but generally when I hide something, I feel like I'm acting ashamed. Even if rationally I know I'm just concealing it for the sake of convenience or "it's none of their business" (which, really, it's not), it just doesn't feel good to me. Plus, I know what a huge difference meeting actual trans* folks made in my perception of the transition process, and if I can be that for someone else, it's worth catching some extra flak here and there. So yeah, I will likely stay pretty "out".

Not telling people I'm trans is not hiding anything. 

I don't wear a sign but if someone asks me (and it's a safe environment) I would tell them. It's happened once in the past.

I don't feel I'm hiding anything. If folk know, they know, but I don't feel I or my life is defined by my being trans so why bother sharing it? I feel it's more of a, "So?" Or even TMI in that I wouldn't even know how the subject could actually come up. It's not so much hiding because I'm here and even have photos on here. There's people I work with who know and some who don't seeing as I've worked there before in my previous name.  For me it's more,  "Why share?" It doesn't define me and not everyone gets it and could think it makes me less of a man and for that I'd rather they don't know for as long as possible and if they find out by that point it's more likely they'll get it having had no idea for so long! Maybe even be more educational overall.

it depends on the situation and if I trust them, if i'm passing all the time, I probably won't say anything, unless its to someone I can trust and close to, I accept that I'm trans, but its not like I want to have a huge sign saying trans man here with an arrow pointing to me

I don't know how I would tell anyone who didn't know me before, or heard through someone else, its just not a relevant thing for people to know. I wouldn't deny it but I wouldn't go around publishing it as an "interesting fact" about me.

The only time I'd probably tell people was if they were also trans and I felt like I had something to offer them by coming out, but I'm not the best at explaining stuff so I don't know if I actually would.

I'm probably planning to stay at the same workplace for at least a few more years so other than new people I meet I don't think stealth will be much of an option for me, at least for a while anyway.

I don't really feel comfortable with just erasing 25 years of my life, but on the other hand it's not going to be how I introduce myself either.

I think that my transliness won't specifically be a secret but I won't feel the need to tell everyone either.

I am going to try to be as stealth as I possibly can. I dont want to be trans, and I certainly do not want to be know as being trans. Partner, family, friends I have before I transition and doctors knowing is fine. Anybody else...nope.

I'm with most others here: happy to talk about it if someone asks (which I'm sure they will), but won't advertise myself as trans.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that we're all standing on the shoulders of those brave trailblazing trans people who went before us, and thus have a responsibility (however small) to pass it on to those who follow behind us.  If everyone aims for invisibility once they transition, the only thing the general public will see are those who are stuck in the awkward transition phase.  They won't see the amazing girls and guys we turn into, and will never see the successes and positive impacts that we have on society.  Through visibility and strength in numbers, we're all helping to eradicate prejudice.

Not saying that everyone has to do this, but I'd like to see it encouraged a little more.  It's very difficult to allay the fears of the general public when those most able to do so - the successful, 100% stealth trans people - are nowhere to be seen.

I'm pretty much done with transition now. I've been on T for over 2 years, I've had legal documents changed and I've had top surgery. I don't plan on staying in the community. I don't like to talk about my transition anyway and feel like it is no one's business and I don't want to be in a "community" with people. Plus, I find that the community is more geared towards people within the first year of transition anyway with little to offer for people further down the line. I see it on Susans itself all the time. The first page here on the FTM forum is questions and posts from those either pre transition or early on. No offense to those who are in that place. I was there too! But at this point and further down the road, I feel like I don't need that same sense of community anymore.

Thanks for all of the responses. I am in the same camp as _______, I feel like I have the ability to educate those around me just by being honest and being myself, and make it easier for those who come after me.

I honestly don't know since transition is so far away for me right now.  I think it would depend on where I'm living.  If I'm living in a more tolerant place then I guess I wouldn't mind being out as much, but for a less tolerant place I'd be stealth.  I don't want my life to be defined as "trans" though.  I just want to live my life as a regular guy no one care to ask trans questions about.

I'm done, afaik. And I'm still out. I feel that I'm "trans" and not binary necessarily. I do Trans 101 and that sort of thing. I feel I found out late for a reason also, if you get my drift.

--Jay

I wasn't ever really "out" to begin with, except close family and I can count those on one hand. I don't deal with the rest of the family. For the rest of the world? None of their business. I'm a very private person anyway.

Furthermore, I don't feel a need to be "out" because I never really dressed or acted like a girl. What's there to be "out" about?

If I was eventually able to " pass" 100 % I would still have a problem because I've lived in a small college town for 20 years with no plans of moving so it would be kind of ridiculous  for people not to know.

I'm like a few other people here and that I don't have much of a choice. I live and work in a small town. Not only that, I work at a visitor center here and I'm at the front desk and teach classes. So I"m known. I also manage the volunteers, many of whom are locals. And I am in charge of renting out rooms. I could happily live in this town for the rest of my life and plan to work in my job until I retire, about 10 years. So. I can't go stealth.

And... I think this is a fight I can choose. Like Jay, I feel like I came to this late because I was just so ignorant. I'm not going to go out and shout to the world, but if I'm visible and can do some trail blazing myself, so be it.

I pass very well. I am out by choice. It has its frustrations and drawbacks but is the right choice for me. I have been able to make a difference in a lot of lives by outing myself where appropriate.
It is a real pain when clueless friends and aquaintances out you without consulting you in ways that poison potetial relationships or endanger your safety. I put up with that risk, but won't stay friends with someone that doesn't respect that it is my story to tell, my identities to share.

I'm kind of hoping that I will reach a point where I only have to be out as trans to people who actually want to know.

I could never completely hide my trans status, because the fact that trans people are so oppressed right now is making me care about being an activist too much. I plan on keeping my Youtube channel and transition blog open to the public, so that my voice can still be heard. But I also don't want my trans status to be common knowledge. I want to be able to go about an average day without having to have my trans status brought up.

I want to educate people without being forced to educate people at every hour of every day, if you know what I mean.

I agree Christopher. I don't necessarily say "Hey everybody I'm trans", but people do know. I hope it proves that trans isn't so scary. I can educate people if I have a chance, but I don't do this all the time. I do live my life and do not necessarily disclose in every single situation.

--Jay

I don't plan to not be out. It depends in the situation.

I'm pretty open about it right now. I mean, I'm not going to walk up to someone random and say "Hello, I'm not really a guy!" or anything like that, but if someone asks me, I'd (most likely) tell them. I'm a very blunt and down-to-earth person. My friends come to me for advice because they know I'll tell them what needs to be said, instead of what they want to hear. Best friend says that's a Taurian trait, and it may be, but that's another story for another time. When I came out, I wanted to scream it to the world (metaphorically speaking), but I knew that, especially living in the Southern US currently, it would not be a good idea. People here get enough flak about being bisexual or gay/lesbian. It's not quite understood why you'd like your own gender romantically here, let alone wanting to change your outwards gender. Anywho, I do plan on still telling people (almost always will be my significant other) that I was born with a female's body. Especially since I won't be getting the prosthetic bottom surgery (way too expensive and, from what I've read, somewhat pointless in comparison to the cost), just the top and hysterectomy. So, yes, I will stay out as trans even after it is all said and done, just only to a select few that earn my trust.

Quote from: ReubenIsTheName on April 25, 2014, 08:51:03 AM
Especially since I won't be getting the prosthetic bottom surgery (way too expensive and, from what I've read, somewhat pointless in comparison to the cost),

If you are going to talk about bottom surgery at least do some actual research first.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on April 25, 2014, 01:08:42 PM
If you are going to talk about bottom surgery at least do some actual research first.

I've read up on it. Even talked to other FTMs, and seen other FTM blogs and such, and lots of them aren't getting it because of the cost. And some of them feel it's only good for peeing standing up. And I say that directly from another FTM's words.

Quote from: ReubenIsTheName on April 25, 2014, 01:48:37 PM
I've read up on it. Even talked to other FTMs, and seen other FTM blogs and such, and lots of them aren't getting it because of the cost. And some of them feel it's only good for peeing standing up. And I say that directly from another FTM's words.

So you talked to non-op guys, not actual guys who've had surgery.  That explains a lot.  I've found most of the info coming from guys who don't plan to get bottom surgery is uninformed and often times wrong and outdated.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on April 25, 2014, 02:20:46 PM
So you talked to non-op guys, not actual guys who've had the surgery.  That explains a lot.  I've found most of the info coming from guys who don't plan to get bottom surgery is uninformed and often times wrong and outdated.

I agree, I don't plan to, but not due to results like that. I think there is a LOT of misinformation out there and a most of it perpetuated by trans guys.

--Jay

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on April 25, 2014, 02:20:46 PM
So you talked to non-op guys, not actual guys who've had surgery.  That explains a lot.  I've found most of the info coming from guys who don't plan to get bottom surgery is uninformed and often times wrong and outdated.

Yeah, I probably should've clarified that. I've certainly been doing research on this forum, and it seems pretty cool, if you can afford it. Coming from a middle class background, I'll have enough trouble affording HRT and top surgery before I think about bottom, and I'm pretty sure I'm only going to do a hysterectomy. Until I get a stable job, car, and place of residence, I won't even think about bottom surgery. I do plan on starting HRT ASAP after high school, but that'll be after I get into college locally, or move away and get into college. I've lived being FTM this long, so I think I can wait that much longer. Also, there's the counseling I'll have to go through to get approved. I've been in counseling since a young age, but this is the South; none of them (to my knowledge) have been properly versed in dysphoria. Even the one I'm seeing now tells me that.

I live in the south as well.  They may be harder to find but there are definitely therapists and counselors around that are versed in trans people. 
Anyway, my whole point was less about whether or not you would actually get bottom surgery (if you don't want to no big deal to me) and more about spreading misinformation. 

I gotcha. I'll do more research before I open my mouth again.  :-X

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on April 24, 2014, 12:32:10 AM
Not telling people I'm trans is not hiding anything.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't think of a better word. I guess "omit" is closer to what I mean. Not that there aren't other parts of your life story you omit for people you've just met. At my stage of transition though, it may not define me as a person but it is still a HUGE part of my life, and I also think it's one of the bravest and hardest things I've ever done, so why wouldn't I want to tell people about this awesome thing I'm doing? I may not have chosen to be internally male, but I did choose to acknowledge, embrace, and externalize that in ways that are socially (and even physically) difficult, so I think transitioning is worthy of pride.

I don't know how many people are, but I'm not, I'm going full stealth mode as soon as I start HRT, not even waiting for top surgery. Reason is because I'm still in HS and I want to erase all memories of my past life and start anew. A MtF at my school did it, she transitioned from one school year to the next and came back as a beautiful girl, even got elected homecoming queen last year. That's exactly what I'm planning to do, it's no one's business what my history is.

I plan on staying out as trans unless it becomes detrimental to my family. My long term goals include being active in the LGBT(emphasis on the T) community and being a mentor/sponsor for trans youth. I'm hoping I can carry on a legit professional career while remaining out and proud.

I'd love to be stealth at some point, but I know it won't happen.

I wish we could wave a magic wand and get rid of the word "stealth", as it has connotations of hiding or something (also the word "passing" which has a historical reference which isn't so good.)

I like the term "disclosure", so you have high or low disclosure. No one who is "stealth" has 0% disclosure (okay maybe *someone* does, but most people have disclosed to family, for instance) and no one who is "out" has 100% disclosure. No one walks into every place they go and say "hey I'm trans". Okay pretty sure no one does that, though I know someone who is on the news a lot as a trans advocate, so he's pretty out.


--Jay

Quote from: aleon515 on April 26, 2014, 11:48:54 AMI like the term "disclosure", so you have high or low disclosure. No one who is "stealth" has 0% disclosure (okay maybe *someone* does, but most people have disclosed to family, for instance) and no one who is "out" has 100% disclosure. No one walks into every place they go and say "hey I'm trans". Okay pretty sure no one does that, though I know someone who is on the news a lot as a trans advocate, so he's pretty out.

Jay, frequency or level of disclosure is a great way of describing things. Thanks for pointing that out. I want to put that into use right now. I'm not a fan of the implications of "passing" terminology either and try to use "being [perceived/read/treated/etc.] as" instead.

My life circumstances make being anywhere near 0% disclosure impossible. So far I've not disclosed in situations where there was an option. Best case, there's too much misinformation ("born as a [girl/boy]" "used to be a [girl/boy]") in many people's heads, and worst case it's a matter of safety. People who know do treat me differently and I don't care for it.

I don't want to be complitely stealth, but I don't think it nessesarry to be open for everyone either so I would like a mix.
-
in the perfect world I would only be open to people when I found it nessesarry, friends or famely or when the topic is brough up. it a mix of lazyness and fear, but in the perfect world lazyness should only be the reason.

Quote from: Natkat on April 26, 2014, 04:31:53 PM
I don't want to be complitely stealth, but I don't think it nessesarry to be open for everyone either so I would like a mix.
-
in the perfect world I would only be open to people when I found it nessesarry, friends or famely or when the topic is brough up. it a mix of lazyness and fear, but in the perfect world lazyness should only be the reason.

thats what Im planning to do too XD

I don't know I guess it would be nice just living and not ever thinking that there was the remotest possibility that someone would think your really not the gender your presenting. I really can't imagine that ever being reality though.

It's not going to be the first thing I tell people, but I will be open about it and won't hide it in the slightest. If someone doesn't like it, cool, I know that they're not worth being in my life. Plus, I don't need to deny being trans to feel like who I am. Not that people who go stealth do that, it's just how I feel.

In my case, it would come out eventually due to my mother refusing to use my proper name + pronouns at all, plus there's a picture of 14 year old me in her living room and it's very obviously girl-mask me.  :-\ Also seeing as I'm gay in addition to transgender, there is an even bigger imperative any man I become involved with must know asap that I'm FTM. For me, it's a matter of full disclosure and honesty with myself, my friends and future partners.

@Jason, Couldn't have said it better myself! I'm not gonna introduce myself like "Hi, I'm Sam, but call me Reuben because I'm an FTM transgender person!" But, if it comes down to the issue of proper pronouns and my new name and such, then it'll come out, and, as you said, if they don't like it, they're not worth the time and trouble of being in my life.

@Abendroth, My mother is the same way. Actually, on Monday, in addition to the tornadoes that have ravaged the South (my city included), I had to deal with her arguing with me because I want to see a counselor that is actually trained and has experience with trans* people, and she will have no part of it. I was told that she was about to "lock me up" and give me shock therapy.  :-\ Anywho, there are also older pictures of me with my long hair and girly clothes in my house >_< And, of course, I will tell someone interested in me immediately, even before we start dating, just so they know my future plans and the way I am now.

Out in the trans community, not out in the general community at large.  Out at work only because I transitioned there.  Totally out as gay everywhere.

I will never out another trans person, ever, even if they are totally out and proud. It is not something I will ever mention about another person, because it is totally not important.  If they themselves feel the need to bring it up and discuss it, fine.  I did have to tell another trans person that I was stealth because she would approach me and start talking about trans stuff and transition stuff in public spaces where I was not out, so I had to ask her to tone it down.  She understood.  She herself is out and proud and I guess assumed everyone is.



Jay