Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I don't know how to describe this, but I'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later. I'm having trouble seeing my life as a female. As I start to come out to more people and get more life experience, the reality of living as a female is setting in. But I don't really know what that means???

I think that I had so much difficulty in just getting to my current state that I haven't really gone beyond that. It's kind of messing me up and it's really upsetting me. I've been working at my transition, but I can't really see how/when/if it ends. I don't know if anybody understands what I mean. I've spent so much time wishing I was a girl but the closer I get to it, the further out of reach it seams. Like some sort of paradox that I can't break out of.

I think that it will just sort of happen without me really knowing it. Like everything I do is just steps toward this inevitable conclusion. Do I need to define what being female means for me? Do I need a checklist for my life to know when I'm done? I'm not really considering SRS at this point, does that mean I'll never be finished? IDK, I'm probably just being stupid.

I don't have answer but I empathise completely.

I do understand what you mean Tiffany.

Perhaps the best way to approach the issue it to just be you, not male or female.
Most cis people are just that as they don't constantly think about gender issues but sex.
The more you think about it the more your head hurts! Mine is sore just thinking about it.

Might be good to discuss with your therapist as I have been doing.

Hugs
J

I feel the same way... The further I make it down this path, the longer the path seems to be.  My philosophy is just go with it and see where it takes me

Yes it is hard to see Tiffany as someone who has made the leap to the other side it's wonderful. I know it's hard to see I was in your place at one point and I can tell you now that I live as myself I would never want to go back ever. I know it's scary to take that final plunge but trust me once you do life will get better. Living full time has allowed me grow so much as a person and a woman that is something I couldn't have envisioned before but it has been such a wonderful surprise.   

Quote from: TiffanyT on April 25, 2014, 12:14:19 AM
I think that it will just sort of happen without me really knowing it. Like everything I do is just steps toward this inevitable conclusion. Do I need to define what being female means for me? Do I need a checklist for my life to know when I'm done? I'm not really considering SRS at this point, does that mean I'll never be finished? IDK, I'm probably just being stupid.

I don't think you are being stupid at all. It is the sort of thing people need so they know they have arrived,  something nicely defined so you can stand on one spot and think "yes, THIS is the top of the mountain". I don't feel there is a defined end point, more of a gradual slid from massively uncomfortable and thinking about being trans all the time to comfortable in your skin and rarely remembering before. I think of it like when I gave up smoking. The day I stopped I could think of nothing but the cigarette I wasn't smoking. Over time this lessened until now I rarely even think about it.

Rosie

It's a perfectly reasonable response, there's a point where transition goes from improbable fantasy to tangible reality and it's really scary. Same thing happened to me big time about a week before I was planning to go full time. The realisation was that, unlike pre-full time where I could just swap between genders to suit the circumstances, going full time was a totally different kettle of fish. No not shaving (face or legs) because I couldn't be bothered, no chucking on the dude closes to go to work because it's quicker and I'm running late, certainly no wearing the same pants three days in a row (let alone two!), etc...that was going to be my life from "full-time" forwards. That was a bit startling, because unlike going out in girl mode every now and then, living "every day" as a woman is no where near as glamorous or exciting. It's pretty much how cis women live their lives. My god, it is so normal! And what a great feeling that is!

Hey Tiffany,
                    I also get the exactly same feeling.As i am getting closer to starting hormone therapy a feeling of fear gripped me. 3 months back i was pretty confident and had chalked out when to start hormonal therapy,when to come out,when to move to another city and when to go full time.But as i am coming closer to starting my hormones and coming out a fear is completely gripping me. Its like i had been aiming to get an approval letter from the therapist and now its like once i get the approval i dnt know wat to do.I am now starting to get second thoughts on whether i am taking the right step.Its more like that its easier imagining myself being a girl but when its actully time for actions i get afraid. And also the excitement i had 6 months before about finally being a girl is replaced by fear as the time to start my transition approaches near.I think maybe it happens to all of us.We need to just have faith in our descisions .Its always gets a little worse dan it gets better.

XoXo
Anisha

I felt nothing when I started HRT. It was just a nothing like my head was already there.  Certainly not a second thought.  Fast forward 6 months and the path up the mountain has got so much steeper.  I am 52, have family that are OK with this. I am just struggling to muster the energy to do all the practical and mundane things like voice practise, makeup practise, sorting out more clothes, finishing electrolysis etc etc etc.  Seems like I am losing sight of "me" in all the detail.

Also, I am just so tired.  Productive thinking takes an alert mind and that is missing a bit these days.  My work is very pressured and that won't lift for a few months yet (been that way for about 8 months) and no time off openings until the end of the year.

Wheels are wobbling a bit at the moment but I will just press on and let the things that are meant to happen sort themselves out.  Maybe become a passenger for a bit and let the universe deal with the planning!

When I transitioned and had SRS at the age of 24 (1974) I had almost NO idea what life would be like but I knew I couldn't stay where I was. From my time en femme I had only the faintest glimpses that the girl-me was going to be quite unlike the me that I knew up to that point.

I am glad that I went ahead "on faith" and without any plan because the new me was WAY beyond anything I could have imagined.

I feel very much the same.  I'm still about 6 months away from going full time but am struggling to imagine my future and living a day to day life.

I'm sure it'll be fine when I get there.  Something to look forward too.

All I can say is it's remarkable how normal if feels. When I'm at work I frequently forget I'm in a dress talking to my colleagues as if nothing has changed...six weeks ago, if I'd shown up in a dress most of them would have been dumbfounded. The segue from one gender to the other has been smooth which makes being there everyday as a woman feel easy and natural. I'm still working on my sometimes  lacklustre social life but that's another story!

Emma I am also feeling the same as Tiffany and haven't started HRT. I am also 52 and just wondering how did you get to the point of starting HRT at our age? I have so much respect for all of you who made that step whether you fully transitioned or still on the path. I got to start that path. Tiffany my therapist tells me to take it one step at a time. But I know how it's hard. I love all of you!

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 25, 2014, 01:42:39 AM
It's a perfectly reasonable response, there's a point where transition goes from improbable fantasy to tangible reality and it's really scary. Same thing happened to me big time about a week before I was planning to go full time. The realisation was that, unlike pre-full time where I could just swap between genders to suit the circumstances, going full time was a totally different kettle of fish. No not shaving (face or legs) because I couldn't be bothered, no chucking on the dude closes to go to work because it's quicker and I'm running late, certainly no wearing the same pants three days in a row (let alone two!), etc...that was going to be my life from "full-time" forwards. That was a bit startling, because unlike going out in girl mode every now and then, living "every day" as a woman is no where near as glamorous or exciting. It's pretty much how cis women live their lives. My god, it is so normal! And what a great feeling that is!

What a great response!  I think that is the point - to reset normal.  And to set it as woman.  But, I don't get to wear the same outfit two days in a row?  That is a little daunting.      40 days till full time

Julie

I'm not sure if I fully understand how you feel, but I do understand what it feels like to be in the middle of things wishing to be at the end.  All I can say is that the only real roadblock that is preventing that is me and my own hang ups over appearances and social interactions. Things I need to work on before it can be possible. What do you think is making you feel that way?  What things are needed for you to feel that you can be the women you are in the future?  Good luck Tiffany.

The road does get to feeling longer and some things do get to feel maybe even unobtainable. That is being a woman I think. I want smaller feet, not that they do not fall into women's sizes, but still, and I want a bunch of other things. So does every other woman I know.

When are you finished? Life is a path not a destination. Everyone is changing all the time, so don't expect to be 'done', in the same way anyone else, cis or trans will ever be done with developing themselves. When will you have reached womanhood? Well, 'woman' is a label, some people believe its the body, some the mind, the genetics, but the truth is, with any label, its whatever you define that label as. So you decide what a woman is and measure yourself against that. Really though, as we are hard on ourselves you will do what we are all inclined to do and want to move the goal posts, so will find yourself coming short. Its natural and is our way of making ourselves work harder and harder, just don't beat yourself up about it.

Quote from: TiffanyT on April 25, 2014, 12:14:19 AM
I don't know how to describe this, but I'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later. I'm having trouble seeing my life as a female. As I start to come out to more people and get more life experience, the reality of living as a female is setting in. But I don't really know what that means???

I think that I had so much difficulty in just getting to my current state that I haven't really gone beyond that. It's kind of messing me up and it's really upsetting me. I've been working at my transition, but I can't really see how/when/if it ends. I don't know if anybody understands what I mean. I've spent so much time wishing I was a girl but the closer I get to it, the further out of reach it seams. Like some sort of paradox that I can't break out of.

I think that it will just sort of happen without me really knowing it. Like everything I do is just steps toward this inevitable conclusion. Do I need to define what being female means for me? Do I need a checklist for my life to know when I'm done? I'm not really considering SRS at this point, does that mean I'll never be finished? IDK, I'm probably just being stupid.

No! You are not being stupid at all, don't say that. I know how you feel alright? Sometimes it seems as if it would never end but you have to remember that there will ALWAYS be someone there for you and things WILL get better, well take this place for instance, there are so many wonderful and brilliant people here who are always willing to lend a hand and to offer advice. So don't look down on yourself okay?  ;)

Thank you everyone for replying. It's been really helpful to get all this feedback and understanding and I really appreciate it. You've given me a lot to take in.

Well first, let me say that you are beautiful!!  I probably can't really relate to exactly what you are going through because I have just begun my journey. After years of denial, I have finally given in and accepted who I am.  I am not sure exactly what that means yet, i am just going to let it develop and try not to hold myself back.  I know what would make me happiest but I have fears.....many similar to yours.  Completion seems so far away, and I worry whether I have the courage, determination or stamina to see it through.  It sounds like you may just be exhausted from the journey you have already taken and maybe need to take a deep breath and catch your second wind.

What is getting me through is reading stories of the inner peace that people have experienced through transition.  I looked at my life, and realized that I have never actually felt loved, not because it wasn't offered, but because no one really knows me.  I have lots of friends and family that I know technically have love for me, but they love someone else, not me. They don't know me.  Without acceptance, I don't think you can feel loved or secure.  I would suggest not getting hung up on fitting any paradigms created by other people, and just do what you feel is absolutely right for you.  Just be who you feel you are at the moment so you can be accepted for who you are, so you can be loved. *hugs*

I'm just back here after quite a long break which was due to a few things, some of which were directly related to the theme of this thread.  I think we all question whether we can ever be women just like others and for me, there are still quite a few question marks about that.

On the positive side, I'd have to say that my female colleagues at work have been great, very accepting and supportive and I now regularly go out for lunch with the girls. On the less positive side, my male colleagues have become far more distant, no doubt contributing very directly to the recent announcement that I would be out of a job end of July.

I personnally feel very happy living as a woman, absolutely certain today that this was right for me but, as we are social animals, social acceptance as a woman is also hugely important to me.

I have no problem at all going out and about and in my daily interactions it is obvious that I am perceived by others as a woman. That in itself is very pleasant and validating. However I have always been apprehensive about transition leading to a certain form of social isolation and with the loss of my job, that fear is more present than ever. That BTW, is also one of the main reasons I took a break from Susan's. It is just so easy to look inwards in a sort of TG ghetto and that is something I just do not want to do. Sure it is nice and even necessary to have TG friends but if my social interactions become limited to that, it will put me in a place I don't want to be.

Happily, I have so far kept all my close friends  so the situation is not dramatic from that point of view. However, I'll really feel that I am fully accepted as a woman when they invite me to events where they also invite people who have never known me as man, something that has not yet happened.   

I'll shortly be doing GRS + BA surgery which will also make it easier to function as a normal women eg.  in any place where you have to undress like gyms, beaches, saunas etc..

Against that, I used to do a lot of choir singing, (happily as a tenor not a bass  ;)  ) and would love to do that again but while I practise as an Alto, I still can't quite handle the higher notes. Maybe I'll get there and if not, it's something I'll just have to get over.

Otherwise like Grace, I can only say how normal it already feels to live full time as a woman. I am certainly more careful about my appearance and how much leg I show when I cycle to work wearing a dress   ;) but that's about it. Life mostly goes on as before with an inner glow from finally just being me....

I went through this exact problem right before going full-time, and I can pretty definitively say that it was nothing but fear of the unknown.

Unless you're starting to have doubts based on thinking that you'd rather be a guy than a girl, and not just on "I can't picture it," you have nothing to worry about. I still honestly can't see myself as a woman internally on a lot of days, and yet I'm full-time and loving it! So even though my own mind is still working on the self-acceptace part of it, (I've heard that it usually takes 6 months of full-time or so for your mind to really adjust to getting used to seeing yourself as actually being a member of your identity gender,) I still end up going out as a girl every single day, not being the least bit remorseful, and being pretty damned happy. And I'm still miserable every time I think I'm seeing a guy in the mirror, and ecstatic when I see a woman in the mirror.

So yeah... are you doubting that you want to see a woman in the mirror? Are you doubting that you want to have a female body? When you see a guy in the mirror, does it still bother you? If that's the case, again, don't worry. It's just your mind re-adjusting after a lifetime of being used to seeing yourself as male. And pretty much everyone probably has one of those "OMG, this is REAL. ME? Actually a woman?" moments. ;)