Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm not planning on transitioning. I'm in a situation where that's impossible and I just cannot justify it for a number of reasons. I'm pretty confident that this decision is the rational one. That said, it hurts a lot. I feel myself slipping into depression. Having hope gave me drive in the past and now without hope I feel it increasingly more difficult to fight off depression and to get myself motivated to work and to do things. I don't know how I can get those things back without falling to my gender feelings, which would be disastrous.

Hi Jess,

Checked through your posts, sounds like you are younger than 22 years that you mentioned. You are out on your own. You don't mention if you are in a big city, small town, rural & if you are working. It seems you have considered transition, experiencing depression is probably due to dysphoria. If you are working & have a medical plan I think you should be seeking help for your depression. If it can be a trans friendly Psychologist that would be the best. They can help determine if transition is for you, when & if not how to cope. There is no time line for transition. If you are a student & government doesn't cover any cost of transition, you may have to wait. College or University can be a good time to transition & there may be a support group or program that can get you started on hrt. We have many people here that have transitioned in any age decade right up to their 70's. Some don't for various reasons.

I don't know about your disposition, but I seem to come through to my 70's as a happy person with a positive attitude to life. I nearly died when I was about 5 & one bad period in my late 20's in depression, but knowing how lucky I was to be alive I never thought about taking my life. I didn't think I could afford a Psychologist, so I worked on my pro's list & rebuilt my life & been strong ever since. About 12 years ago I had a primal scream & info on transgender via the internet, about 4 years ago I finally figured what my brain was telling me after dressing off & on since my teens throughout my life. My brain gender is female, just living in a physically male body. I looked at the reality that hrt at my age may not work, but two years ago came out to my gp & she set me up for blood tests & abdominal scan then an endocrinologist appointment. After I thought I can't find a gender clinic as I didn't live in an area that had one in the big city & I live in a suburb, I gave up trying to find a gender Doctor. A year ago January a gender clinic opened in my suburb & got the ball rolling. After a month on anti androgen a reading on my kidney spiked. I was taken off the AA & tests. The kidneys are okay. Consulting with my gp, gender Doc & Endo, the analysis as I expected & message is my body is too old to survive the chemical warfare. That made my wife pleased. My gender Doc & Endo said, I could still live life as I have been the last 12 years being Happy getting made up & dressed female whenever & for as long as I can. Yes, my heart sank, but I have always been true to myself seeing the reality. Fortunately I am in good health & I can still be the girl I am most of the week. Will have to see what happens when my wife retires in 3 to 5 years (maybe longer). lol

Take your time with help available, see where it leads. Even if transition isn't in the cards, as one of my cd sisters says, breast forms, make up & fashions is a whole lot lets expensive than transition & the risks involved. A positive note that can keep us Happy!

All the best on your journey, keep us updated.
Hugs
Jamie

i feel for you. i often find myself thinking that it was transition that enabled me to move to a place that made detransition possible, but i wonder whether that's really true? perhaps if i'd met the right therapist before a transitioned it may not have been necessary? if you can't afford a decent therapist then i'd suggest just reading and self analysis, and not books about trans issues necessarily - the ones that helped me most were more general ones about gender, feminism, psychology, psychiatry. understanding that emotional responses have both a root and can be informed and altered is big part of the reason why i no longer need to present as a female

Reduced expectations.

The general rule of thumb is if you think you are dealing with depression, your already there. Yes you can stuff it, I know I did for 45 years... It eventually got to a point where I was considering suicide. It doesn't go away. Ask a lot of the girls here. I am sure they will tell you the same thing. Two months ago I was a total train wreck but given the choices I got the courage to go to the local LGBTQ center and tell them I needed help. I have made some good choices  in my life but I have to consider that one to be one of the most important. While I am taking things one step at a time, I am a much happier person today and just knowing I am not alone and it is okay to be truly who I am has and is changing my life for the better every day.

PS: Nothing is impossible, it is just the degree of difficulty that is overwhelming at times.

Quote from: Veronica M on April 27, 2014, 11:08:20 AM
The general rule of thumb is if you think you are dealing with depression, your already there. Yes you can stuff it, I know I did for 45 years... It eventually got to a point where I was considering suicide. It doesn't go away. Ask a lot of the girls here. I am sure they will tell you the same thing. Two months ago I was a total train wreck but given the choices I got the courage to go to the local LGBTQ center and tell them I needed help. I have made some good choices  in my life but I have to consider that one to be one of the most important. While I am taking things one step at a time, I am a much happier person today and just knowing I am not alone and it is okay to be truly who I am has and is changing my life for the better every day.

PS: Nothing is impossible, it is just the degree of difficulty that is overwhelming at times.

+1

I relied on my three best friends, Diversions, Distractions, and a little Denial, also known as the 3D's. I "got by". Actually, it wasn't even me after a while, just a lifeless souless machine with no hopes, no dreams, no wishes, except for one.

All the fortifications I built to protect me from Joanne came crumbling down 6 years ago. I hit rock bottom. I spent months finding a TG group and that helped to turn my life around.

I am almost at a place now where these two great aspects of myself are rejoined into one whole healthy happy person. I really doubt one can be mentally healthy without embracing that other side of yourself. That does not necessarily mean having to transition fulltime as female. I am treading water in some middle ground. But I know where my true self and joy lies.

I'm trying to explore the non transition route. I get what you're saying, it really sucks having the hope that you might just do it then going down into the "I need to find another way to make this stop" road.

The only thing I've found is to focus on the reasons/fears why you're not transitioning. It's not exactly healthy, and it's pretty crushing sometimes, but some other times it's just enough for you to get the "what if.." out of your head for a while. I've been focusing on things like "If I transition I'll never pass, I'll be shunned/laughed at, I'm too old now and at least by not transitioning I won't have to deal with it" or comforting myself with things like "I just need some time to learn how to be a man, it won't be so bad, you can pick it up" etc.

Everyone has fears about transitioning, so I see this as using the fears that would be obstacles if you were transitioning and turning them into justifications for not doing it. Yeah, I know how that sounds but having your fears realised during transition would be pretty taxing on your mental health too. Each path has its own demons/challenges to your mental health but maybe you just learn to shrug things off eventually?

Good luck

oof - learning how to be a man strikes me as being far from comforting. personally i'm working on not being a man - it's the thing i'm most wary of happening.

the whole concept of being a real man (or real woman) seems so incredibly damaging, not that that they're standards i've ever held others up to. now i'm working on the degree to which i internalised these toxic ideas, in the hope that i can live life as a male who is secure enough in themselves to reject stupid ideas of what's appropriate.

Thank you all for your replies.

I will bring up some of my issues next time I see my doctor.

I cry everyday and I'm trying to be strong. And I still keep the possibility of transitioning someday open. It at the very least gives me some kind of hope that maybe if I can't get over this I have a way out.

Quote from: Veronica M on April 27, 2014, 11:08:20 AM
The general rule of thumb is if you think you are dealing with depression, your already there.

I am glad to hear that life is taking a turn for the better for you Veronica.  But I have to respectfully disagree that if you are depressed you're "already there".  Maybe for a few rare individuals the only thing in their lives that is making them depressed is the fact that they feel that they were "born in the wrong body" and transition solves that.  But for many who turn to transition due to being depressed, the transition is a distraction that alleviates their symptoms of depression but it is quite often only temporary.  Most of the same stuff causing depression pre-transition exists post-transition. 

I personally believe that there are ways to manage depression in a person that is experiencing "gender dysphoria" that do not have to include transitioning. I think we need some more role-models of people who are trying to do this but quite often those people are kind of invisible (most likely because they aren't participating in forums such as this.)  In my own way as a detransitioner/retransitioner I am trying to be out there as just one of (hopefully growing) numbers of people who say that transition may not be the ONLY answer for people in the OP's situation.

Now I have to respectfully disagree. If it is affecting the OPs motivation, job and getting things accomplished because of gender issues then YES the OP is there. The OP already stated gender issue's are causing the depression. Low dose HRT may help, but it sounds to me Dysphoria is now controlling every aspect of the OPs life. All of my issue's such as depression, irritability, isolation, insomnia and PTSD were relieved by High dose HRT. I got to the point where it was a gun in the mouth or a skirt on the body myself. I have never felt better and the world did not end because I chose transition. To the contrary it has opened up into a wonderful new life with a body in tune with my mind.  :)

Quote from: retransition on May 30, 2014, 06:17:42 PM
But for many who turn to transition due to being depressed, the transition is a distraction that alleviates their symptoms of depression but it is quite often only temporary.  Most of the same stuff causing depression pre-transition exists post-transition.

There is much truth in this.  Transition does seem to be a good way of taking one's mind off other problems, and unless those underlying problems are solved, they will reappear eventually.

But so will the trans feelings - they tend not to appear from nowhere, and there are a thousand other (simpler, cheaper, more effective) ways in which we can distract ourselves from depression that don't involve thinking our genders are incongruous with our bodies.  It's a rather niche, unusual way of coping with depression - picking something that's even more difficult to deal with than depression itself; it's fighting fire with fire.  The very fact that gender is being raised as a symptom is indicative of the likelihood that gender is part of the overall problem.  Otherwise we'd all just buy motorcycles or get tattoos or take drugs or eat too much candy like the rest of the population who uses such tools to combat their depression.

Quote from: Jess92 on April 30, 2014, 11:41:02 AM
Thank you all for your replies.

I will bring up some of my issues next time I see my doctor.

I cry everyday and I'm trying to be strong. And I still keep the possibility of transitioning someday open. It at the very least gives me some kind of hope that maybe if I can't get over this I have a way out.

Jess

I think that a discussion with your psych and endo is in order to see whether there are appropriate treatment regimens which do not involve a full transition.

I would like to comment specifically on the use of low dose hrt.  As Jessica posted ". Low dose HRT may help, but it sounds to me Dysphoria is now controlling every aspect of the OPs life."   In my experience it made a profound and positive difference to my life.  My dysphoria stopped.  This coupled with expressing myself more androgynously has been enormously powerful and beneficial. 

There are many folk (not just non binary) on Susans who have found this therapy to be a life saver and then no longer felt the need to fully transition while there are also many others who experienced a material reduction in their dysphoria bringing them enormous relief and validation.

I recommend that you seek an opinion and if safe for you I recommend that you try low dose hrt.  If beneficial the benefits will be immediate and profound.  With a supportive endo you will be able to find the dosage regimen that gives you the most desirable result and therefore works best for you.

Safe travels

Aisla

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 30, 2014, 07:35:07 PM
Now I have to respectfully disagree. If it is affecting the OPs motivation, job and getting things accomplished because of gender issues then YES the OP is there. The OP already stated gender issue's are causing the depression. Low dose HRT may help, but it sounds to me Dysphoria is now controlling every aspect of the OPs life. All of my issue's such as depression, irritability, isolation, insomnia and PTSD were relieved by High dose HRT. I got to the point where it was a gun in the mouth or a skirt on the body myself. I have never felt better and the world did not end because I chose transition. To the contrary it has opened up into a wonderful new life with a body in tune with my mind.  :)

Really?  The OP just said that transitioning is NOT an option and your response is to say that for you it was either "a gun in the mouth or a skirt on the body myself"?  Is this really helpful?  I am not singling you out because I hear this sort of talk over and over in the trans community.  What the OP was looking for was something that we all need to sustain us, trans or non trans:  Hope.

There must be some other options besides those listed above.  Yes, maybe HRT might help but that is going to have an impact on the endocrine system's natural ability to function. If the gender dysphoria is connected to, at root level, even a minimum of cross-sexual fantasization then chemical castration may provide some relief.

I still think there are other ways.  In another thread someone mentioned mindfulness and meditation.  I also think there are some cognitive behavioral techniques that might be helpful.  I am not saying that the feelings of gender dysphoria can be made to go away - all I am saying is we need to be open to other ways to help people manage these feelings other than rehashing the "gun in the mouth or skirt" thing, which I think just perpetuates depression and hopeless that some who are struggling feel.

Quote from: __________ on May 30, 2014, 07:36:09 PM
There is much truth in this.  Transition does seem to be a good way of taking one's mind off other problems, and unless those underlying problems are solved, they will reappear eventually.

My wife calls it geographical relocation, or running away from your problems.

I have the opposite problem, the Existential Blues. Always and in every way  questioning my motivations or desire to transition since.... well life does not and never really totally sucked as a guy. I knew early in this most recent exploration of mine that I needed to come to a good understanding of myself, my life, my hopes, wishes, and dreams.

Many/most of the major disasters in my life were do to how I tried to "cope" or compensate for being TG. Now that I am being given the right tools, the job is far easier and is coming out right. Which makes making a choice as to which to take all the harder

Quote from: retransition on May 30, 2014, 06:17:42 PM
But for many who turn to transition due to being depressed, the transition is a distraction that alleviates their symptoms of depression but it is quite often only temporary.  Most of the same stuff causing depression pre-transition exists post-transition. 

<CLIP>

I personally believe that there are ways to manage depression in a person that is experiencing "gender dysphoria" that do not have to include transitioning.

I think it depends where the depression is coming from.  People with gender dysphoria can have depression because they are just happen to suffer from depression, like cis gender people might (due to a chemical imbalance, for example).  Then there are people whose depression is directly due to their dysphoria.  Then, there are people who have both.

The person who has still has depression after transitioning, most likely has depression as a separte issue.  The person with depression due to dysphoria, will no longer be depressed when they transition (or be less significantly depressed, at least).

It depends on the root of the depression.  Only the person can figure that one out and then make decisions from there.

I agree that there are potential alternatives to the gun in the mouth etc binarism   I have found that low dose hrt does help those who won't or can't fully transition   As for your other comment re potential harm, with the guidance of a good endo and due care I and many, many others have not been physically harmed but have found significant dysphoria relief.  This may help the poster or others in similar situations

Aisla

Quote from: retransition on May 30, 2014, 08:31:55 PM

  The OP just said that transitioning is NOT an option and your response is to say that for you it was either "a gun in the mouth or a skirt on the body myself"?  Is this really helpful? 

If you want to quote please leave in the part where I said " I got to that point". Why? Simply because when Dysphoria started to affect my daily living and productivity that transition was the only thing left. I could meditate all day long and nothing was going to dissolve my severe Dysphoria. Why in the name of heaven would I transition if there was no other choice? Do you seriously think I wanted to upend my life and lose everything we lose? Sometimes there just is no other way to carry on and you will self destruct or undergo the treatment called for. Sometimes people need to know there is just no other way to treat Dysphoria beside low dose HRT or transition.  :)

Make some likes and dislikes open, eg if your hiding a specific element of yourself say like, wanting long hair? grow ling hair. justify it with this guy has long hair, and I like long hair.

I don't know exactly what element of dysphonia you have so it difficult for me to give advice, but I get the impression that sometime is that feeling of not being true to your self that can hurt the most, so letting little things out like that can help one to feel better.

some elements of my body dysphonia actually helped me to cope some too, I took pride in my girlish features what little I had of them, and this helped me cope with the parts I didn't like. this lasts only up to you see them fading of course.(but it bides time)

you say, holding onto that fact that transition could still happen in the future gives you hope? that is a very good thing to do, because it doesn't have to be now, and it doesn't have to be never.

there might come a time were the now or never situation presents itself to you. it might not happen but if it does there are post here highlighting that that doesn't mean the world will end :)

yes sometimes problems we face pre transition can stay with us after. one of these things is society's expectations, some go from trying to tick male boxes and hiding a part of themselves, to trying to tick female boxes and once again hiding elements of who they are. Im sure there are other things too like dysphoria not being the sole cause of ones depression.

but, focus on the parts of your body that you do like. express some of your none conforming likes, even if only for yourself in private?

to be honest with you, before I knew gender dysphoria existed and what transitioning was, I was transitioning in stealth. went all the way just short of hormones and social transition. (going outside dressed coming out ect) I didn't know what transitioning was, but expressing myself in private really kept me going for a long time (gradually increasing throughout my life of course)

I see a lot of people here where mild hrt is the first step in their trasition. tha doesn't need to be the case.

like, retransition says,
it doesn't need to be now, or never

but like Jessica says
if it does get like that for you, choosing the skirt/transition doesn't mean the world will end.

if you still need a little more hope, tell us a bit more about how you experience dysphoria, and any thing in general that's getting you down in hops we can be a bit more helpfull to you.

Hi Jess,

I took the liberty of looking at your previous posts and noticed you sort of set yourself a hard time limit of getting some things done by the time you are 22.  I can understand your reasons for doing so, but I would advise  wing less strict about it.  The logistics of transition are significant given the circumstances you have described, and you are being unfair to yourself by possibly setting yourself impossible goals.

Please continue with the health care that you have been receiving, low dose HRT may be an option for you.  There are different approaches to avoiding transition from deep denial to partial expression.  Only you can work out what is most appropriate for you.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 30, 2014, 11:17:44 PM
Sometimes people need to know there is just no other way to treat Dysphoria beside low dose HRT or transition.  :)

I think we all get to that point at different times (if we get there at all.)  Again, just because someone is depressed it does not mean that they "are there" and now might as well start transitioning or taking HRT.  I understand that you got to that point Jessica.  I guess I pretty much got to that point as well. I felt I had run out of options and maybe I had.  I made what I thought was the best decision I could at the time, knowing what I knew and talking to other trans people in the 1990s when I transitioned. Then, as now, the "transition or die" sentiment was almost a mantra so many of us would say to ourselves over and over. It almost seems to be part of a larger mythos, the saga of how our natal gendered selves have undergone, if not a literal death, at least an exhaustion of any further possibility of existence, leaving way for the "rebirth" of our now-realized preferred gendered selves to take their places, seemingly restoring things to how they should have been all along.
Again, I believe you when you said you had run out of options - but as an "older generation" of transitioners is it possible that we can create more options for those who are just coming up to the same juncture in their own life paths?  Are we able to, perhaps, recast the myth should we choose?  I know that for most of my trans brothers and sisters the answer to this will be "no".  But looking back on my journey I wonder if there are a few things that I took for granted just because all of my other trans friends were saying and never stopped to question myself.  Maybe it isn't always "transition or die" or "hrt or be condemned to a life of suffering".   Maybe it actually is that clear cut, and maybe there is something wrong with me for overthinking things - but I have a hunch that I am at least partially right.  And I also am convinced that even if we believe transition was the right decision for us and did save us from suicide, that we can use more discretion in talking about this.  Again, I am not singling out because many many people use this sort of language (and I am sure I have too in an earlier part of my journey), but I wonder if, as a community, we can learn to be mindful in when and how we speak about our own experiences contemplating suicide in a way that does not give others that this is somehow a "normal" way to feel when you are trans. Maybe we can help others realize that they do have more "breathing room" and maybe we can even help create space for them so that they do not feel as cornered and stuck as we did.

Quote from: JoanneB on April 27, 2014, 12:16:09 PM
+1

I relied on my three best friends, Diversions, Distractions, and a little Denial, also known as the 3D's. I "got by". Actually, it wasn't even me after a while, just a lifeless souless machine with no hopes, no dreams, no wishes, except for one.

All the fortifications I built to protect me from Joanne came crumbling down 6 years ago. I hit rock bottom. I spent months finding a TG group and that helped to turn my life around.

I am almost at a place now where these two great aspects of myself are rejoined into one whole healthy happy person. I really doubt one can be mentally healthy without embracing that other side of yourself. That does not necessarily mean having to transition fulltime as female. I am treading water in some middle ground. But I know where my true self and joy lies.

Both of these posts tell my basic story, I tried to keep the "genie in the bottle" for 40+ years, and it got to the point where the walls came tumbling down. I am giving up almost everything for transition, but I see no other way.

Hey, I have the same problem you have and posted something similar about being depressed about it and I got an amazing response so I will quote naomi

"As a small step, you could find something to act as a sort of token or reminder that although it's a crappy situation now, you are working towards building your future.
Could be anything, a necklace, bracelet, painted toenails or some object you can keep in your pocket that has meaning to you, but looks like junk to anyone who might see it. Last suggestion seems more appropriate to your situation.

The important thing is what you assign to it, not what it is. That way, when you're feeling really down, you at least have something to look at/hold/remind you that there is hope. To remind you of the steps you have taken so far, even you haven't been able to do much yet.

It can be easy to fixate on the negatives, especially early on, but I found that such a small reminder of the commitment (not sure if this is the right word given that not everyone finds out that this is the right way to deal with their gender dysphoria) made to being myself helped a lot to stop myself drowning in depression/destructive thought cycles.
As an example, I painted a thumb nail a colour I love. When out and about, like at uni, I could look at it and feel a little better, more hopeful. It was easy to explain to inquisitive people, I would just say a friend bugged me into trying it on one nail for fun. They just chuckled and forgot about it.

Naomi"

I'm actually trying to stop eating my nails (I know it's disgusting, i don't really eat them, I'm just always very nervous when I'm around people), and trying to make them like transition I guess instead of me... So I don't really apint them because it would be too evident, but I'm starting curing them, and sometimes I steal my sister make up, and wear it, and take some picture, so that I can see them when I get moe depressed.

Quote from: retransition on June 03, 2014, 10:42:56 PM
Again, I believe you when you said you had run out of options - but as an "older generation" of transitioners is it possible that we can create more options for those who are just coming up to the same juncture in their own life paths?  Are we able to, perhaps, recast the myth should we choose?  I know that for most of my trans brothers and sisters the answer to this will be "no".  But looking back on my journey I wonder if there are a few things that I took for granted just because all of my other trans friends were saying and never stopped to question myself.  Maybe it isn't always "transition or die" or "hrt or be condemned to a life of suffering".   Maybe it actually is that clear cut, and maybe there is something wrong with me for overthinking things - but I have a hunch that I am at least partially right.  And I also am convinced that even if we believe transition was the right decision for us and did save us from suicide, that we can use more discretion in talking about this.  Again, I am not singling out because many many people use this sort of language (and I am sure I have too in an earlier part of my journey), but I wonder if, as a community, we can learn to be mindful in when and how we speak about our own experiences contemplating suicide in a way that does not give others that this is somehow a "normal" way to feel when you are trans. Maybe we can help others realize that they do have more "breathing room" and maybe we can even help create space for them so that they do not feel as cornered and stuck as we did.

I'm totally new here (this is my first post), but I came to this forum because someone said it was a spot that welcomes people who can't or choose not to transition or use hormones. I was hoping to get some new ideas about ways to survive emotionally when gender dysphoria is so painful and HRT/etc is just not an option.

Everywhere there are hints and outright helps for those wanting to or able to use HRT or transition. But so rarely is there ANYthing that supports those of us who can't/won't. And for myself when I try to express to someone that I'm at the end of my gender dysphoria rope, but I can't do even low dose HRT, and they tell me that HRT is what I need anyway - then that takes the "HRT or die" right to, then, "Then is die the only answer I have left?"

I doubt that's ever meant to be anything but caring and helpful, but in reality that sets up an even worse outcome than originally existed. As in, there are NO options, then. And yes, that is so destructive of hope. And without hope, everything else falls to pieces. Very painful.

Quote from: Elij on July 18, 2014, 12:09:11 AM

Everywhere there are hints and outright helps for those wanting to or able to use HRT or transition. But so rarely is there ANYthing that supports those of us who can't/won't. And for myself when I try to express to someone that I'm at the end of my gender dysphoria rope, but I can't do even low dose HRT, and they tell me that HRT is what I need anyway - then that takes the "HRT or die" right to, then, "Then is die the only answer I have left?"

I doubt that's ever meant to be anything but caring and helpful, but in reality that sets up an even worse outcome than originally existed. As in, there are NO options, then. And yes, that is so destructive of hope. And without hope, everything else falls to pieces. Very painful.

I'm not completely sure I agree that it's ever such a black and white decision. Nothing in life is. Nowhere do we ever have only one choice, even if there is only one that we can see right now. The trick is getting ourselves to keep looking when we feel more like giving up.

Nor do I really think that there is no support for those of us aiming for that path. We have each other, even if nothing obvious is written down like you seem to be saying. Simply having someone around who understands us will go a long way.

I'm not trying to sound like I have all the answers or anything, because I really don't. I'm struggling with a lot of these things right now. But I really think that finding that support in other people is the key (even though the right people for it are decidedly rare). What will help me more than anything is a community where I can express myself in any way I see fit, with no labels or expectations of any kind attached. That way, instead of feeling like I should be in one category that the rest of the world insists I am not a part of, I can just be me. Not a girl, not a boy, not straight, gay, bisexual, asexual or whatever. Just me. Does that make sense?

But labels and categories are a part of human nature, so is a community like that even realistic? I don't know. But I'm willing to extend that courtesy to you, if you feel that kind of support might be helpful.

Quote from: JoanneB on April 27, 2014, 12:16:09 PM
+1

I relied on my three best friends, Diversions, Distractions, and a little Denial, also known as the 3D's. I "got by". Actually, it wasn't even me after a while, just a lifeless souless machine with no hopes, no dreams, no wishes, except for one.

All the fortifications I built to protect me from Joanne came crumbling down 6 years ago. I hit rock bottom. I spent months finding a TG group and that helped to turn my life around.

I am almost at a place now where these two great aspects of myself are rejoined into one whole healthy happy person. I really doubt one can be mentally healthy without embracing that other side of yourself. That does not necessarily mean having to transition fulltime as female. I am treading water in some middle ground. But I know where my true self and joy lies.

Totally relate...

It seems by reading all the replies that there is no one size fits all approach.  We are as varied as the gender spectrum in our replies and thoughts as we are all different.  If there was a way to not change I wouldn't have but perhaps you can depending on how you are wired.  For many it seems we couldn't me mentally healthy till we became or accepted ourselves.

Quote from: Jess92 on April 25, 2014, 12:25:19 PM
I'm pretty confident that this decision is the rational one.

Well there's your problem. I wish I could give you a better answer, but quite simply, none of us chose it.

Quote from: Jess92 on April 25, 2014, 12:25:19 PM
I'm not planning on transitioning. I'm in a situation where that's impossible and I just cannot justify it for a number of reasons. I'm pretty confident that this decision is the rational one. That said, it hurts a lot. I feel myself slipping into depression. Having hope gave me drive in the past and now without hope I feel it increasingly more difficult to fight off depression and to get myself motivated to work and to do things. I don't know how I can get those things back without falling to my gender feelings, which would be disastrous.

I wish I had figured it out as I tried for a while with no luck and wa_la here I am.  Much happier most days and happy to be alive which at one point was the alternative.

Dont do this alone as its not for sissies, get some help from a therapist who knows dysphoria as it may may save you.

Trasntioning may not be rational but it may be what has to be done, I dont know for you but it was for me.

Best wishes,
Stevie

I started seeing the therapist for depression regarding GD and being married with child and not wanting to tear the family apart. Some of the things my therapist and I discussed and I used were keeping some light colored glosser available and would wear outside, underdressing with panties or pantyhose if possible, keeping toenails painted bright red. (If you're not doing your own laundry and can't let others find out, skip the panties idea.) Ear piercing and wearing earrings don't attract too much attention anymore, even if you are wearing in both ears. And being able to talk to someone about it, a close confidant in person or last resort on-line. Participating in forums like this, though it can be a two-edged sword, while it can bring some relief letting your female persona out, it can also be more depressing reading about others moving ahead with hrt and after a while even SRS depending how serious you are. Depending on the severity of your GD it can be kept under wraps for a while, but in my case as I've gotten older, it has gotten worse. .Eventually you've got to deal with it.

Best Wishes and Hugs,

Here are some things that have helped me.
Remember that as overwhelming and all encompassing as it feels at times, gender is still just one part of who you are. Explore the other parts of yourself.
Take some gender studies classes or read some scholarly articles about gender to help you figure out exactly what you don't like about your birth gender and what parts you can enjoy. Find out what you most admire in your target gender and figure out how to express them in ways that are not dependent on your appearance. Get to know which parts of your target gender you would rather not express even if you transitioned. 
Proper medication, a healthy diet and exercise, and keeping a regular schedule will go a long way to reduce the symptoms of depression.
Acknowledge celebrate, and be grateful for the good things in yourself and the those around you.

It took me to recently at age 30 where it was a transition no matter what, I am married my wife is about to give birth, my parents live on the same road I live on, along with the rest of the family. We have a big farm with a road that runs through it and our houses are spaced through out. So waiting and denial and tattoos and muscle building, all those things I did to cope including getting married to my wife who I truly love building a house and a life is going to get wrecked. What im saying is waiting or denying yourself to transition could come back to bite you when you have the most to lose like me. I was determined to be a normal guy. Fought in Iraq, fast cars and motorcyces, working my ass off to keep my mind off of being female did not work. I was seeing a therapist in the army and in my home state. I was trying to replace what I needed with other things and it wasn't working. So if all you have to lose is personal relationships, Id say go for it. If you get fired from your job their are organizations that will sue on your behalf. What state do you live in? If I could go back I would habe transitioned at 18 easy, had I had the forsight that is. Your parents will eventually come aroung even if its years later. If they really love you they wont dis own you for to long. Just don't do what I am doing and wait to  you have to much skin in the game. Bc this is going to be worse than pulling a bandaid off really quick. It will be more like ripping your snakey sack off with no pain management.

what helped me most with staying sane, is getting to know myself. i have some troubles that were just as bad, or maybe even worse, than the trans issues which i'm still not dealing with medically.

deciding/accepting properly that i'm trans and will transition when i feel like the time is right, makes it easy to put off for this time when the time isn't very right. has a lot to do with rigidity in national health care, but also difficulties finding a steady job. now i have a steady job, so rigidity is my only concern with that.

family used to matter, but finding out how much and in which way i want it to matter has made it easier for me to realize that i can transition now, if i feel like i have to. i'm still just wanting it really bad, but there's one person i still want to talk to face to face about it before i make a decision that is likely to throw me into a potentially harming system.

dealing with other problems than trans issues has helped a lot. to a very large degree, i put off the serious efforts to transition so i could find myself first. i have too many issues related to my mother. i've dealt with most of them, by learning how much damage she and my not daring to stand up for myself, has done to me. there are problems with my behavior, anxiety, depression.

depression is gone now, anxiety seems to return only out of old habit. i know who i am, both the good and bad sides. there's still a bit left to work on, but i'm overall happy and living my own life.

and then back to the trans issues. the feeling of wrongness return often. some times like an annoying fly, that's easy to live with. even just changing clothes will make me breathe more easily when it's not too severe.

but when it gets hard, i will lose sight of all my plans for the future, i start questioning myself, forget to live in the now. i cut or dye my hair when that happens. when i can't stand to see that same familiar totally wrong face in the mirror, i change a most noticeable detail. it won't change my gender, it won't fix my body. but the face is different, and it gives me time to sort out the things i want to sort out before running head first into transition.

notice that i use want instead of need. i've finally gotten to a point where i don't make choices out of need (or feeling of impending doom, anxiety and depression are not to be trusted, neither are family), but out of my own will. i no longer have insecurities about whether or not to transition, i know it's right for me to do it. the only question is what time will be best for me to start a process that i know i might have to stop because it could take me in a direction that is wrong for me.

but i'm happy. more me than ever before. sane (probably). managed to get here without a therapist, but i've had good friends helping me. some here, some at another forum. interestingly i got help to stop fearing the possible consequences of transition from normal people at that other forum. it's a place where i can be the gender that i'm not yet offline, and the few people who know me as trans have been mostly accepting. one was not being too nice about it, but others would tell him off. gave me back faith in humanity.

and the people here, with all their life experience, have helped me come to terms with all the other things that have been troubling me. first it was accepting that i'm trans, but in my own way which is a little different from the norm. then it was accepting myself as an imperfect being who still deserves just as much love when i fail as when i do great. never got that from my parents, but that's because they're imperfect beings too.

anyway. trans isn't a big issue that steals away almost all of my mind's capacity. it was for a while. transition seemed like the only cure for my life, and one that i couldn't even get. by dealing with all the other issues i have, i lessened the gender dysphoria as well. i don't hate my body, i just find some parts of it rather useless. there isn't anything i'm so anxious about that i feel like i have to fix something in order to survive. so the need to fix my body disappeared. now i just really want to fix it, and that's something i can live with. i can even feel generally happy without transitioning, though i believe i'll feel much better about my body, and possibly even happier if i do that too.

Quote from: Cristyjade30 on August 15, 2014, 09:54:50 AM
It took me to recently at age 30 where it was a transition no matter what, I am married my wife is about to give birth, my parents live on the same road I live on, along with the rest of the family. We have a big farm with a road that runs through it and our houses are spaced through out. So waiting and denial and tattoos and muscle building, all those things I did to cope including getting married to my wife who I truly love building a house and a life is going to get wrecked. What im saying is waiting or denying yourself to transition could come back to bite you when you have the most to lose like me. I was determined to be a normal guy. Fought in Iraq, fast cars and motorcyces, working my ass off to keep my mind off of being female did not work. I was seeing a therapist in the army and in my home state. I was trying to replace what I needed with other things and it wasn't working. So if all you have to lose is personal relationships, Id say go for it. If you get fired from your job their are organizations that will sue on your behalf. What state do you live in? If I could go back I would habe transitioned at 18 easy, had I had the forsight that is. Your parents will eventually come aroung even if its years later. If they really love you they wont dis own you for to long. Just don't do what I am doing and wait to  you have to much skin in the game. Bc this is going to be worse than pulling a bandaid off really quick. It will be more like ripping your snakey sack off with no pain management.

I agree about this. The other option would be to never really get anything in life that you could loose. I know I have been avoiding relationships after I fully realized that I'm trans because I was too afraid to really start a life with a straight guy and then needing to transition anyways, and all the drama that could come from that. Now that I'm older, I'm regretting that because I know some late transitioners who have a husband and the relationship survived that (in Europe, not in the US, where it's probably a lot harder because of homophobia).
But if you really can't transition, then telling yourself that you transition later in life and not get too involved in anything can keep your options open. It worked for me, I'm mentally fairly stable.

Quote from: Bunter on August 19, 2014, 01:55:11 AM
I agree about this. The other option would be to never really get anything in life that you could loose. I know I have been avoiding relationships after I fully realized that I'm trans because I was too afraid to really start a life with a straight guy and then needing to transition anyways, and all the drama that could come from that. Now that I'm older, I'm regretting that because I know some late transitioners who have a husband and the relationship survived that (in Europe, not in the US, where it's probably a lot harder because of homophobia).
But if you really can't transition, then telling yourself that you transition later in life and not get too involved in anything can keep your options open. It worked for me, I'm mentally fairly stable.

Yeah I am starting hrt asap, so yeah its gonna suck. I just got to the point of I don't care about what im gonna lose. I have to be me. The thing is its not the end of the world, but it still sucks bc I am close to my mom and dad, and my whole family lives int the same town. So Ill be living out of my semi truck for a while in the near future. And Ill probably just get a small apartment in Birmingham, I will definitely have to sell the house and move. small fn town and I HATE everyone there anyway. A lot of painfull memories there