Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: Ally_B on April 25, 2014, 12:51:53 PM Return to Full Version
Title: So, I finally came out to my mother....
Post by: Ally_B on April 25, 2014, 12:51:53 PM
Post by: Ally_B on April 25, 2014, 12:51:53 PM
Yep, after all these years, finally found the guts to do it, and y'know what? She was really supportive. :) She had no idea it was coming, but I guess I'd learned to hide it more effectively than I realised over the years... We are going to have a more extended chat about it today as she's going to be driving me home, which will take a few hrs, so that'll be interesting...
I should offer some background to this, because its come as part of recent events that have turned my life upside down... Up until recently, I was living w/ my father, who was very transphobic and despite this, we were building a better relationship than we'd had for my whole life since I'd had to move back in with him in the new year.
This came to a halt last week, when I came home to find that he'd passed away. These typed words seem clinical and cold right now, even though I'm feeling the emotions very much... I think it's a defence mechanism to stop myself bursting into tears all over this keyboard. The funeral is in a few days time and erm.... yeah... I'm losing my train of thought, so rather than focusing on that, I will jump to the next paragraph....
Anyway, because of what happened, I had to get out of my house as I can't face being there at the moment, especially on my own. So, I took time off work and have come up to my mother's place, 3 hrs away, to grieve, to have someone with me and honestly, just to spend some time w/ my mother whom I adore.
I've been here almost a week and yesterday afternoon, I was getting quite drunk + emotional... I've spent a lot of time this week being drunk and emotional.... :/ At one stage, things got a little fraught and I needed to go for a walk.... When I returned, I finally opened up to her and started to recount the awful experience of finding my father and letting the tears go... something I'd been trying to hold in until I could talk to some counselors as I didn't want to go through that w/ my mother. Even though they have been apart for 16 years now, I didn't want to do that to her, but she pushed me and even though it was horrible, I'm glad she did and I got it out.
But... Then she could tell there was something else I wanted to say. Now, I didn't want to bring up my gender in this circumstance. I HAVE been slowly building up the guts to come out, but then with all that has happened, decided to put that on the backburner, as I thought it might be a bit much for people to handle right now... and besides, it wouldn't feel right... This time is supposed to be about trying to say goodbye to my father and dealing w/ our grief....
I didn't want to tell her that I had to cancel my appt w/ my gender psychiatrist because I'm so far from home that I have no option. I didn't want to tell her that I also had an appt w/ a counsellor this week that I've been sweating on for months and will now have to go back to waiting another several months because that facility is so hopelessly understaffed that I have to essentially return to the back of the queue because of this....
But for some reason, probably because I was a little drunk, possibly because I'd just opened up about my recent trauma; probably both - the words just kinda fell out of my mouth...
"I think I should've been born a girl"
In the few brief moments between saying this and her response, I think I braced myself for the earth to swallow me whole... I'd just lost my father (who probably would never have accepted me as a woman) and now in some fleeting moment of ultra disclosure and alcohol-fuelled bravado was risking losing my mother... Nice work, genius...
But then, my mother turned out to be that brilliant, understanding person who I thought she would be (but feared she wouldn't be) and now I feel an amazing calm and liberation.... Which is of course, still wrapped in grief and disorientation... Too many emotions right now, I am perhaps fortunate that the main thing I feel right now is hunger because I'm kind of sick of feeling powerful emotions at this point in time... lol
I should offer some background to this, because its come as part of recent events that have turned my life upside down... Up until recently, I was living w/ my father, who was very transphobic and despite this, we were building a better relationship than we'd had for my whole life since I'd had to move back in with him in the new year.
This came to a halt last week, when I came home to find that he'd passed away. These typed words seem clinical and cold right now, even though I'm feeling the emotions very much... I think it's a defence mechanism to stop myself bursting into tears all over this keyboard. The funeral is in a few days time and erm.... yeah... I'm losing my train of thought, so rather than focusing on that, I will jump to the next paragraph....
Anyway, because of what happened, I had to get out of my house as I can't face being there at the moment, especially on my own. So, I took time off work and have come up to my mother's place, 3 hrs away, to grieve, to have someone with me and honestly, just to spend some time w/ my mother whom I adore.
I've been here almost a week and yesterday afternoon, I was getting quite drunk + emotional... I've spent a lot of time this week being drunk and emotional.... :/ At one stage, things got a little fraught and I needed to go for a walk.... When I returned, I finally opened up to her and started to recount the awful experience of finding my father and letting the tears go... something I'd been trying to hold in until I could talk to some counselors as I didn't want to go through that w/ my mother. Even though they have been apart for 16 years now, I didn't want to do that to her, but she pushed me and even though it was horrible, I'm glad she did and I got it out.
But... Then she could tell there was something else I wanted to say. Now, I didn't want to bring up my gender in this circumstance. I HAVE been slowly building up the guts to come out, but then with all that has happened, decided to put that on the backburner, as I thought it might be a bit much for people to handle right now... and besides, it wouldn't feel right... This time is supposed to be about trying to say goodbye to my father and dealing w/ our grief....
I didn't want to tell her that I had to cancel my appt w/ my gender psychiatrist because I'm so far from home that I have no option. I didn't want to tell her that I also had an appt w/ a counsellor this week that I've been sweating on for months and will now have to go back to waiting another several months because that facility is so hopelessly understaffed that I have to essentially return to the back of the queue because of this....
But for some reason, probably because I was a little drunk, possibly because I'd just opened up about my recent trauma; probably both - the words just kinda fell out of my mouth...
"I think I should've been born a girl"
In the few brief moments between saying this and her response, I think I braced myself for the earth to swallow me whole... I'd just lost my father (who probably would never have accepted me as a woman) and now in some fleeting moment of ultra disclosure and alcohol-fuelled bravado was risking losing my mother... Nice work, genius...
But then, my mother turned out to be that brilliant, understanding person who I thought she would be (but feared she wouldn't be) and now I feel an amazing calm and liberation.... Which is of course, still wrapped in grief and disorientation... Too many emotions right now, I am perhaps fortunate that the main thing I feel right now is hunger because I'm kind of sick of feeling powerful emotions at this point in time... lol
Title: Re: So, I finally came out to my mother....
Post by: Ltl89 on April 25, 2014, 12:57:51 PM
Post by: Ltl89 on April 25, 2014, 12:57:51 PM
I am so sorry to hear you lost your father. I can't even imagine what you are going through. [Hugs].
I'm glad you have a really great mother who showed you the compassion and support you deserve. Hopefully, that will serve as a sign of good things to come.
Hope everything is well.
I'm glad you have a really great mother who showed you the compassion and support you deserve. Hopefully, that will serve as a sign of good things to come.
Hope everything is well.
Title: Re: So, I finally came out to my mother....
Post by: ReubenIsTheName on April 25, 2014, 02:58:37 PM
Post by: ReubenIsTheName on April 25, 2014, 02:58:37 PM
@Ally_B,
I finally got the courage to come to my mother recently, as well. Coming out to my parents went the opposite of how I had expected it. I love my mother, I really do. We get along very well. Almost like best friends. My dad, on the other hand...constant conflict, past physical abuse, verbal abuse, etc. You get the point. Me and my mother both can't stand him, even being in the same house as him (my house is very small, too :( ) because he's just...ugh. Anywho, I expected him to flip out, and my mom to be calm, as is the norm at this point. He was calm about it, though misguided and unsupportive of GRA, and my mother...well, at one point she told me I was "going to be 'freakenstein'," and that she should've had an abortion. We didn't speak until she picked me up from the card shop (my escape and stress relief), and even then, she had texted me earlier that day saying, basically, "Text your dad and tell him to come get you. You found your way there, you can find your way back." I was extremely hurt. I wasn't rude in coming out; I was quite calm and respectful, but she wanted no part of it. We've healed pretty much back to what we were, though I still haven't forgiven her, and am still kinda...pissed, honestly. But I can understand that she was hurt and lashing out, as all humans do at one time or another. I'm glad your experience was that awesome, and I'm also sorry about your father. *hug*
I finally got the courage to come to my mother recently, as well. Coming out to my parents went the opposite of how I had expected it. I love my mother, I really do. We get along very well. Almost like best friends. My dad, on the other hand...constant conflict, past physical abuse, verbal abuse, etc. You get the point. Me and my mother both can't stand him, even being in the same house as him (my house is very small, too :( ) because he's just...ugh. Anywho, I expected him to flip out, and my mom to be calm, as is the norm at this point. He was calm about it, though misguided and unsupportive of GRA, and my mother...well, at one point she told me I was "going to be 'freakenstein'," and that she should've had an abortion. We didn't speak until she picked me up from the card shop (my escape and stress relief), and even then, she had texted me earlier that day saying, basically, "Text your dad and tell him to come get you. You found your way there, you can find your way back." I was extremely hurt. I wasn't rude in coming out; I was quite calm and respectful, but she wanted no part of it. We've healed pretty much back to what we were, though I still haven't forgiven her, and am still kinda...pissed, honestly. But I can understand that she was hurt and lashing out, as all humans do at one time or another. I'm glad your experience was that awesome, and I'm also sorry about your father. *hug*