Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was writing that fruit of trans mess and realized that it was about being conflicted about was trans selfish or not.  I try not to let my transition affect others much, by hiding it.  I think that I am right not to go past comfort levels with my wife, to save the marriage.  It is unfortunate that she is ashamed of me for being trans.  I hope that changes some day.

The only thing that concerns me about transition is the selfishness concern, yet I know I am in the grip of something so powerful that fighting it only makes it worse, more painful, and it seems that acceptance is the only way out.

I don't think I am selfish at all.  But I sure am messed up right now concerning stealth, I need to start presenting andro, where my comfort level is, even though the core is physically transwoman.

Would love to hear comments, and sorry about all that self justification in the other thread, I am deeply embarrassed.

Looking out for yourself and your own well being (as opposed to self interest) isn't being selfish. When people insist we don't change for them, that may be their expression of how they feel, but are they concerned with their own well being or self interest? Or both? Are they the ones being selfish? Just a thought.

You need to be selfish enough to care for yourself before you are able to adequately care for others. Once you are no longer consumed by anything, transition or otherwise, then your mind has time to dwell on others.

The instructions on the airliner are if the oxygen masks are released you are to put yours on first and get the oxygen flowing BEFORE you reach out to help others near you.  You have to survive to be able to do much of anytihng for anyone else.

I know it seems selfish.  That idea is BOGUS and only comes in to make you feel bad about yourself.  Remember, as a Christian you have an active enemy who will do or say anything to mess you up.

HTH


Erin

OTOH, there is an element of narcessim to being transgender, in that self and projected image is a big component.  And it is selfish in that the concern is of the individual, not society's expectation that you tamp all those deviant thoughts, put on a stiff upper lip and be a good quiet consumer with your wife and 2.5 kids, mortgaged McMansion, etc.

Satinjoy

I think that each one of us has at one time or another felt selfish and then felt guilty because of this.  I know that it does seem self serving to say that you can and should be both selfish and respectful.  I don't know of any one who puts the needs of others ahead of their own when it is damaging to them.  In the short term it may be sustainable but in the long term it is not sustainable.  In essence you are pretending to be something that you are not, it is disingenuous and dishonest.  Continuing to do this will damage you and those who you most wish to protect.

You are not in a great place and you need to find your truth and be kind to yourself and to others during this process.  A good therapist will help determine the best way forward and to help you take responsibility for your decisions that follow from this.

Satinjoy you present as one of the most sensitive, genuine and generous contributors to Susans.  You have enormous energy and love for others, my earnest hope is that you direct some of this love to yourself.

Aisla

Aisla you have helped me consistantly more than you know and you just brought me to tears again, good tears.

And I know you have made sacrifices on behalf of your loved ones too.  I so appreciate your comments.

No I am not in a good place right now, but I am not drinking, I am still breathing, and I will survive this.  I had the shakes for two years when I got sober.  This pain feels about the same as that, actually this is worse, but it's ok

Two weeks to therapy and he is getting a fear dump earful.  I wish I could de-program the legalistic and wrong stuff against trans out of my head.  I am trying so hard to do that.

I feel selfish sometimes too...

It's just that I've been brought up in a part of the world where 'being happy with what you got' is a good thing (and there are other who are less fortunate than I am), and since I can't be happy with what I'm having (believe me, I've tried) It does make me feel ungrateful for what I have sometimes.

Satinjoy

Thank you for your message.  I am humbled by your bravery and courage.  We face similar issues but you wrestle with them while I tend to shut them down.  Yours is the more sensate path and I truly admire you for this.

I can't help but think that if your loved ones felt just a fraction of your pain and self sacrifice, the resulting love and appreciation would undoubtedly carry you forward together.

Aisla

I don't think it's selfish to *be* trans; that would only be true if we had any choice in the matter, and I personally believe most trans people don't. It's a choice whether to not to transition (not always with any GOOD choices, mind you), and transition can be a somewhat selfish process... but one thing my wife said to me often was that part of marriage is that there's an ebb and flow of whose turn it is to be focused on/be selfish. Sometimes she is the one who needs the most and we focus primarily on her needs; sometimes it's been me. She also pointed out that I most often put her first, so it was my turn, so to speak.

As for you specifically, Satinjoy, you're making huge sacrifices to preserve your marriage. You're *not* even attempting a full transition (by your own definitions) because of putting other people first. I can't imagine how that could be selfish. You definitely didn't choose to be trans, and inasmuch as you are choosing to transition, you're ALSO choosing to do the absolute minimum possible to keep yourself sane so as not to do it at the expense of your loved ones.

That is one firey dart of the enemy doused with the living water found here at Susans.

Truth sets free, doesn't it my wise friends?

:)

I have a saying that when one person in the family, so does everyone else. The selfishness mantra is thrown out there because the other parties do not or cannot deal with the other person's transition. It means they have to change their beliefs and perceptions about trans people. Changing one's belief system is not easy.

God, Jesus, the prophets, and apostles had NAME's that were their own.  The greatest proclamation of selfishness and self was when Moses asked who to to say sent him to Pharaoh and he was told to say "I AM" sent me. You are seeking your name and true identity.  We each have full right without shame to take our proper name / identity.  Taking our name puts us in a place where we can better serve others and better make them whole persons as we become whole.  This is not missing a target, it is directing the flight of an arrow toward its mark. You will become a complete self who knows even better how to give and bless those around you.  It is their fear and THEIR selfishness that will keep you short of your mark if you let it. When you have your serenity of self, then and only then can you joyfully serve others and have it be a holy ministry.   

Not in the least. Sometimes it may seem so when other people such as SOs that don't understand but you really need to look out for number one first and that is yourself. If you are miserable in life and suffering, those around you pay the price too. Transition if you want, sure if you are married it will probably cause an hellacious problem but in the longrun Sticking with it if you don't have a supporting spouse will make you miserable and therefore your spouse will be miserable too.

I feel selfish becuz my family wanted a grandson, nefew and a son. My father was killed so i never got to see him after i was 3 or 4. My mother wants grand kids from me but i cant give her that wish. It really pains me but its how it has to be so i can live a happy life

A ll my life ive had dysphoria or atleast as long as i can remember.
And one of the reasons its taken me so long to accept is because i love my family.
I needed to try as much as i could at being male for them. my life had no worth but my family did. i lived to make them happy all the while feel selfish that my happyness might come at the cost of theirs. i could not do it.

i could only do it once i saw the truth that not doing it would provide much more suffering.

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 04:29:18 PM
I feel selfish becuz my family wanted a grandson, nefew and a son. My father was killed so i never got to see him after i was 3 or 4. My mother wants grand kids from me but i cant give her that wish. It really pains me but its how it has to be so i can live a happy life

sperm bank personal use

suragacey?

I had no qualms about it.  I did what I had to do in order to A) survive and B) be happy.  What good was I going to be to anyone being miserable and/or dead?  If you don't like me this way, that's too freakin' bad.  I could have lost everybody and I would still have been better off than I was.

It really bothers me when someone says that it's selfish to be their true self. My father-in-law said this to my wife after I came out to them. My wife started to think along the same terms until I said something about. I told her my feeling on it. I feel that it's not selfish to be your true self. What is really selfish is for someone to expect you to live a closeted life and to pretend to be something you are not. It's selfish to pretend to be a heterosexual couple just so no one has to wonder what other family, friends and neighbors think. (For a MtF that is married to a cis-woman.) Another phrase I can't stand is self-serving. (This is what my father had said when I came out to him.) Again he was more concerned about what his conservative sisters would think than my well being. I find that when people use either of these terms, they are the ones being selfish or self-serving. As far as my relationship with my wife goes, I told her this. Yes, I realize that I may loose her if I transitioned. However, my happiness comes from myself and not her. (It would be unhealthy if it did.) I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy in ANY relationship. My being myself and transitioning is a necessary step for my personal happiness.

Once my wife understood this, she no longer used the term of it being selfish. Fortunately my wife and I are staying married and together. A month after coming out to her parents, they have accepted it and we have even visited them in TN since I've gone full time. Part of what made it easier is the fact that my wife is pan-sexual, but my wife had not come out to her parents, so me coming out was kind of double whammy for them. I'm also happy to say that the rest of my family has accepted it and have given both of us wonderful support. Only my father (and his now 3rd wife) have said anything against it and aren't currently talking to us now. My wife's family is now supportive and my mother, stepfather and all my siblings have been great from the start. I'm looking forward to spending this Mother's Day with my 86 year old Grandmother (unfortunately my mother lives in FL) my uncles and cousin who have all been supportive.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 09, 2014, 06:12:02 PM
sperm bank personal use

suragacey?

dont think my sperm (ugh! feel gross saying it) is even viable. always been just watery

For a supposedly selfish and self serving group we seem to be anything but.  We have been hurt.  We see and we feel hurt.  We continue to hurt.  We are not vicious.  We don't seek to hurt anyone.  But survival requires us to fight for our life and for our identity.

Aisla

The trigger for the thread actually was the collateral damage if you will caused by dysphoria, the pain for the SO's.  None of which would have occurred had our true identities been nurtured in childhood, for our SO's would have been attracted to our true centers.  I just do not wish to push my own needs ahead of others, neither do I wish to compromise my identity to being un genuine.

It was also due to the misperception of others that we either have choice, or can choose our personality and gender types out of some selfish place. 

Hopefully societal trends towards acceptance will help the future young trans coming into the picture now, so that they can discover and nurture their true selves and not be hurt like we have.

God Bless.