Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm having a strange issue. I'm ftm and am about 11 weeks on T. Because of my age and a chronic illness the doctor started me on a lower dose of T.  I'm going through an ugly phase right now--face is all bloated along with really rapid weight gain. I have an appt to see my doctor on the 16th to find out what's going on.

I've had a ton of shame come up since starting to transition. It's been surprising.  I've been taking a lot of pictures of myself over the past 11 weeks to see changes (I've always hated having my picture taken).

I don't like what I look like. The fat face (I was pretty thing when I started and had a lean "pretty" face-very lean. I was considered quite attractive.. Now my face is fat. My mouth looks sort of small as do my eyes.

A friend took pics of a birthday party I was at on Saturday. I saw my picture and my first thought was "who's that guy"? Then, it's me. Then omg I've become ugly. Lol.

Has anyone else had this happen?   

In doing a search of this forum I've noticed some guys go through a fat faced phase. But honestly I can't afford to become heavy (bad back and all that) on T.  My eating has not changed so it's not about that. And I'm sort of embarrassed to let anyone see me who hasn't seen me in the past couple months. It's an odd feeling. 

Anyone else feel ugly when first starting transition?   

I'm also talking about it in therapy but wanted feedback from other trans people.   

I honestly don't know enough about ftm to feel like I can comment in your experience.

If it helps, I am going through the ugly androgynous phase which mtf tend to go through.

It's disconcerting to have gone from an attractive male to being an unattractive one however I wouldn't class it as reverse dysphoria.  I'd class it as not liking the experience of being ugly!

Would you rather be an unhappy attractive woman or an ugly /plain but happy  man?

I went through it, it will pass. But you may always feel kind of weird looking in the mirror expecting the old face.

Most people (going either way) go through an awkward ugly duckling phase. 

Quote from: f_Anna_tastic on April 28, 2014, 07:43:42 PM
I honestly don't know enough about ftm to feel like I can comment in your experience.

If it helps, I am going through the ugly androgynous phase which mtf tend to go through.

It's disconcerting to have gone from an attractive male to being an unattractive one however I wouldn't class it as reverse dysphoria.  I'd class it as not liking the experience of being ugly!

Would you rather be an unhappy attractive woman or an ugly /plain but happy  man?

I'm wanting to hear from mtf's too. I'm curious as to what the experience is like in reverse.

That's a great way to describe it--going from an attractive female to unattractive. I didn't know how to classify it but not liking the experience of being ugly is perfect. Lol! 

I'd prefer the latter. I've tried the former. While I could make it work I think I've suffered the consequences of repressing my true self with getting ill and other destructive things. 

If the picture in your profile is you I would disagree that you are in an ugly androgynous phase.   :)

Quote from: FA on April 28, 2014, 07:47:16 PM
I went through it, it will pass. But you may always feel kind of weird looking in the mirror expecting the old face.

Good point about looking in the mirror expecting the old face. I guess that will lessen with time. I'd just prefer not to see the fat one, lol.  It all sort of caught me off guard. People used to tell me I'd make a cute guy but that ain't happening right now for sure.

Quote from: JamesG on April 28, 2014, 07:51:07 PM
Most people (going either way) go through an awkward ugly duckling phase.

Maybe I'll start a thread called the ugly duckling phase. It would have been good for me to know going in so I wouldn't be hiding in my house all the time. As long as there isn't a mirror around I like how I feel.