Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This might seem weird. But I have this very weird thing going on with age and birthdays. It started when I was 12 and terrified of puberty and growing up into a woman. Then, it was further fueled by the focus on women's youth in culture. And, if you think it's just me - why are women so much more likely to lie about their age or get face lifts? Because ageism affects women more in this culture.

Anyway, I need help to not judge my worth by the calendar. I think a lot of this is trans (terrified of puberty and growing into an adult woman) and female training related for me.

I don't want to be this way. It's actually very limiting. Even at 18, 20, 24, etc I felt too old and like I had missed the boat. Again, I think part of it is trans stuff (terrified of puberty and growing up an adult the wrong sex) and part women's issues. Because women really are judged more by youth and beauty than men.
Anyhow, I honestly need help not seeing things this way.

I hear ya. :( I don't know what to say. In my heart and my body I am still stuck in childhood. Growing older I see little signs of this body getting weathered and deteriorating and losing that and I just can't handle it. I live in denial about it. I just feel sad when I look at old people. I always think about how they might have been beautiful once. The older I get the less comfortable I feel with it, but it is also social factors to me. Some serious Peter Pan complex stuff. Only answer I have found is denial and ignoring it... hugs :c

Hey Fa,

Maybe when you feel this way, you can remind yourself of things that make you feel worthy in your life that aren't tied into your age.  For example, people here like and respect you because of who you are.  We don't care about your age or appearance.  We care about the person.  Think of things like that and help remind yourself of this.  Maybe seeing what others see will help you transfer that into your own self image.  Think about the things in life that made you feel better or made you feel good about the person.  Focus on those things.  I can assure you that you aren't just a body, you just need to remind yourself of that and focus on things that help you realize that on an emotional level.

Anyway, this is a tough issue for me too and I struggle really hard with my age and appearance, so I know how it feels.  I just hope you can make it passed this and see what others see. 

Can't say it has bothered me too much. I actually felt great to reach 30, ambivalent about 40...not sure how I feel about 50 which is only a couple of years away... :-\

I'm turning 45 on Friday.  I am celebrating with a proper party for the first time, as I finally feel I have something worth celebrating.  I am still here, and the alternative to having another birthday no longer appeals to me.  If anything, your age is a testament to your ability to avoid the grave. 

I am also trying to not let my prior issues get to me, and it took a lot of introspection to arrive where I am now.  At 12, I was also terrified about puberty and growing up into a man.  I knew it was wrong for me, even then.  Looking more masculine every year and gradually losing my pretty, long hair made me depressed almost constantly.  It probably seems unthinkable to want to transition only to end up an unattractive middle aged woman, but that's exactly who I am and I wouldn't have it any other way now.  I will never be young and beautiful, ever.  I won't get that life experience.  I can only do the best I can with what I have to work with and aim for a best case scenario.

How society values middle aged transwomen is certainly one big thing that I had to get past.   Once I finally ran out of sh^ts to give about what anyone or society thinks of me, I was finally able to live.  F*** society anyway. F*** convention, and f*** tradition.

We all age.  It happens.  Society does seem to value youthful looks a bit much, but the flip side is that with age comes wisdom from experience and far too often youth is simply wasted upon the young.

We must all move forward because we do not have a choice in that matter.  Your future is wide open, and my plan is to squeeze as much happiness out of whatever time I have left as I can.  It's all I can do.  Worrying about something you have no power over is an exercise in futility and gets you nowhere. 

Gotta go- I have some roses that I have to smell now.

I'm 32 and aging doesn't bother me for a moment.


People like me tend to live like large stars.  Burn big, bright, and fast and go out with a huge bang.


-AM

Quote from: Jill F on April 30, 2014, 05:52:54 PM
I'm turning 45 on Friday.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.123g.us%2Fc%2Fbirth_milestone%2Fcard%2F109407.gif&hash=e97d401db96078904909b07571259876acabbe0c)

age doesn't bother me .. I'll be 36 soon and still act like I'm 20 both inside & outside LMAO  ;D

Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened...

Yeah... age bothers me. I HATE getting old.

It's not like it really interferes with my life or anything, but in my own mind I'm still my old pre-pubertal 13-year old androgynous self. I want to be cute again, damn it! During the only time of my life that I really got to be cute, I was teased for it because I was the wrong gender. So it admittedly left a bit of a hole in my heart.

Things that bothers me about aging is the wear and tear on joints.  I've made the concession that I can no longer do high impact sports. :(
The other one is the broadening of my shoulders over time, and the heavier skeletal frame from T.  I feel about as graceful as a hippo in a ballet tutu.

In five years' time, I'll be the same age my mother was when she died. She left an 11-year-old son effectively orphaned, but she knew I'd take him on and carry on raising him. Which I did.

But knowing that I'm getting very close to the age at which my mother died has had a big effect on me. It's one of the reasons why I decided to take the plunge & finally transition: I ain't getting any younger and within the next few years I'm likely to start losing my youthful good looks. So if I ever want to reinvent myself and live an authentic life, I feel very strongly that I have to get on with it now while I still have my health.

I know it'd be possible to transition at an older age. I know plenty of people here either have done so or are doing so, and I greatly admire them. But my mother's early demise hit me really hard, and it made me feel an urgency I wouldn't otherwise have felt... because what if I also die in my 40s? I certainly couldn't stand doing so having never fixed my gender dysphoria.

My mother never got to be elderly, and because of this I very much hope to get there myself. Old age is a privilege denied to many.

Like the late, great, Jack Benny I've been at first 29, and now 39 for decades. Since I guess 12 or so when you get past the kid I am 7 years and 4 months old stage it became I can't wait to grow up, start a life, and get out of the house. (Sort of already gave up on being any other than a guy since those nightly prayers to wake up as a girl went unanswered). After I started a life, got out of the house, it slowly became life was sure a lot less complicated before. Through out it all, I have been blessed by having at least one person close to me to keep that kid alive, appreciating the wonderment and importantly the magic of the world around me.

A few years ago and few years into the chaos of this journey I now on, one of my wife's favorite lines to me was "Who in their right mind WANTS to be a 56 y/o woman?" No argument  from me there. First off I didn't want to go down that being a woman road if I could avoid it (Yes, denial, still have some) Second, if I did, especially not a 56 y/o one! 24 Sure, in a flash. Maybe early 30's if I was desperate enough. Not well past the bloom being off the rose, a woman's only worth in her second class citizen status.

Yet again a little introspection said I was lying to myself again. Armed with the knowledge of history, I have a fairly good idea of what sort of a 20 something woman I'd be. Especially since twice in 20's I experimented with transitioning. When I compare her to the woman I see in the mirror today, today's woman is the clear winner in body, spirit, and soul. That is usually followed by me thinking to myself: Like a fine wine I got better with age.

I don't have any real regrets over not following through on transitioning back when I was much much younger. I was ill equipped for that. So much so I truly believe if I tried, I would be dead today. I know I lived a life I needed to live, in order to grow, learn the tools, and develop the skills to sail my ship. She may be old, creaks a bit, has a few leaks, tattered sails. But when I see her I think she is a real beauty. Especially for an old fart

Well, in my 20's I never thought I would see 30. In my 30's I never thought I would see 40. Well I did and now looking at 50, holy crap. I really don't care to see it. If the old saying about "the good die young" is true, I must really be bad. >:-)

Age only bothers me because it reminds me of how much I've missed of life and how long it's taken for me to actually start to change things around.  This is only in part due to being transgender.  I'll never get to have childhood or be a teen and I've missed quite a bit of my young adult life.  But I'm changing now, and so these will simply be battle scars I can be proud of that will age along with me, things that have made me "me", things that have helped me grow. But for now, it does bother me because I'm not there yet lol.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 01, 2014, 07:37:20 AM
Well, in my 20's I never thought I would see 30. In my 30's I never thought I would see 40. Well I did and now looking at 50, holy crap. I really don't care to see it. If the old saying about "the good die young" is true, I must really be bad. >:-)

^This.

I used to count my life in 3 month increments. Like, "If I can just make it to July, things will be better." Of course I always had suicide deadlines. Accomplish X by end of 3 months or else!

But now I'm much healthier and say things like "Just hold it together till next Comic Con," or some other event that I feel like I can go ahead and die after. "Hold on till you get your scripts, hold on till you make it through mom's birthday, hold on till after Christmas." Things like that.

I dislike getting older. I don't feel old, but I feel like time is passing faster and faster and that I'm racing through my life. I look up and find that it's May 1st. Already. This is a depressing thought to me.

Quote from: TiffanyT on May 01, 2014, 10:55:35 AM
I don't feel old, but I feel like time is passing faster and faster and that I'm racing through my life. I look up and find that it's May 1st. Already. This is a depressing thought to me.

Me too.  :(

I suppose if you look at life as a journey of becoming instead of a race to the grave it's not so bad.

I like the concept that we live in seven year cycles, and that we are changed with each one.  It sorta makes aging more interesting, thinking that I will be a new creation as I regenerate. 

It also helps me to deal with the past and mistakes I have made (sure I was a jerk in the past, but I am different now... that was only my third life).

So, according to this, I am at the end of my sixth life.  I am blossoming into my seventh soon.


This is a link to an article that nicely sums this concept up.
http://dreamhawk.com/body-and-mind/every-seven-years-you-change/ (http://dreamhawk.com/body-and-mind/every-seven-years-you-change/)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPit-tp3Mos

Age doesn't have to be a limit. The only thing limiting you is your mind. Fortunately, we all have the capacity to change our mind. :)

Quote from: Evan of Spades on May 01, 2014, 10:04:10 AM
Age only bothers me because it reminds me of how much I've missed of life and how long it's taken for me to actually start to change things around.  This is only in part due to being transgender.  I'll never get to have childhood or be a teen and I've missed quite a bit of my young adult life.  But I'm changing now, and so these will simply be battle scars I can be proud of that will age along with me, things that have made me "me", things that have helped me grow. But for now, it does bother me because I'm not there yet lol.

I agree with this, it bothers me because yeah I missed out on being a little boy or a guy in high school, and most of college (being able to join a frat) but I guess being 23 and starting to transition is young to a lot of people here, but I guess in my Mind I wish I had the courage to do it sooner, yeah I freak out like I'm in my 20's, I should be living it up, and i'm worried about the fact i'm getting older, whattt lol so now I'm kinda just accepting it, this is my phase of my life, age is just a number, all about how you feel and act

Whether or not I have age issues is kindda dependent on what time it is.  My alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning, and for a couple of minutes I feel my age.  Once I'm up though the years seem to drop off.  My dog is ready for a run, the coffee smells wonderful and now the sunrise is beginning to lighten the eastern sky.  I am fit, and healthier than I was at 25.  Yep my hair color is different, but there was a time when I would change it on purpose, and now I am ok with both how I look, and who I am.

I would have liked to have gotten to be a girl and I've written about this a lot, but "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride" is as true now as it was in the sixteenth century when it was written.  I have traded youth for perspective, and pretty for happy.  I don't think that is a bad bargain.  I don't have to compete for attention, nor do I have to fear rejection.  The rules relax as time progresses.  Men, Women, Children, are all my friends, and if I want or need a lover, I suspect I can find one.

To regret the past is to deny its value, and for me the past forged the present, and the present presages the future.  The future is looking sunny.  All the best of life to everyone,

Julie

One of my goals is to defy both age and gender. I try hard to look both young and feminine. I am not quite sure how long I can do it, but I try everyday.

According to an unverified test in the internet, my mental age is 21  :D

http://www.arealme.com/mental/en/

barbie~~

Quote from: barbie on May 01, 2014, 02:54:19 PM
One of my goals is to defy both age and gender. I try hard to look both young and feminine. I am not quite sure how long I can do it, but I try everyday.

According to an unverified test in the internet, my mental age is 21  :D

http://www.arealme.com/mental/en/

barbie~~

Mine too, apparently. That explains a lot... :/

Not sure if this has already been said as I kind of skimmed the thread, but one of the things I keep in mind is that people generally tend to be happier when they age, as long as they do three things:

1. Stay physically and mentally active.
2. Have a social network.
3. Have learned the art of acceptance, for both good and bad things about their life.

Sometimes I worry about having wasted time in my life, but generally, I actually look forward to aging. I feel like the older you are, the more practice you've had at life - dealing with hard situations, dealing with loving and accepting yourself, experiencing things that are out of your control. And once you master them, you're more content than you were when you were younger.

I think my point of comparison is my grandparents (and to a lesser extent, my parents). The women in my family seem to have aged well. Both my grandmothers, and my mom, are significantly happier than they were before. My mom is 50 now. She used to get really angry with people, and stressed out about her job, but she's learned the difference between the things she can and can't control - she changed the things she could control when she moved to a better school, closer to home. As for the things she can't control, she's just learned to accept them as they are and let them happen, and if she can, see the good in them. The difference she's exhibited over the past ten years is astounding, honestly.

Same thing with my grandmothers. one used to be quite a bit more rigid in her beliefs and lifestyle, but when my grandpa died, I think she really started to realize that she can't control everything, and that it's not even desirable to control everything. She seems much happier and more relaxed. She's told me a few times that when she gets stressed and worries about something she can't change, she just prays and tells God that it's in his hands and then she stops caring about it. She does what she can to stay healthy, and is involved in a lot of volunteering at her church. My other grandmother isn't as social or physically active, but she reads a lot, always tries to keep learning, and has a lot of things she can do on her own that make her happy.

BUT my grandfather has not aged well. Basically, as soon as he turned 50 (maybe even before), he started complaining that he was old and on his way to death. He's 78 now, so he's spent nearly 30 years convinced he's going to die and that his life is over, even though he's in overall good health. The parts of his health that are not so good are mostly lifestyle - since he's convinced himself he is old, he sees no point in exercising much (too stressful for an "old man") and up until 5 years ago he smoked very heavily, because again, he thought "I'm going to die anyway so what's the point."

My dad is working on it. He's fairly unhappy but I think he's trying to find a balance.

So all in all I am excited to age. I hope that I take the path of my mom and grandmas and learn how to deal with life as I have more experiences. I'm guessing that, barring any horrible experiences, life actually becomes easier with practice.

Quote from: TiffanyT on May 01, 2014, 10:55:35 AM
^This.

I used to count my life in 3 month increments. Like, "If I can just make it to July, things will be better." Of course I always had suicide deadlines. Accomplish X by end of 3 months or else!

But now I'm much healthier and say things like "Just hold it together till next Comic Con," or some other event that I feel like I can go ahead and die after. "Hold on till you get your scripts, hold on till you make it through mom's birthday, hold on till after Christmas." Things like that.

I dislike getting older. I don't feel old, but I feel like time is passing faster and faster and that I'm racing through my life. I look up and find that it's May 1st. Already. This is a depressing thought to me.

I'm not talking so much about a deadline, so to say but rather going out on top instead of all the years of the body breaking down and then being limited to a wheel chair or bed, old and decrepid, wrinkeled and all broke down wondering when the last breath will come. Or how much the heart attack or stroke will hurt that takes me out. If my mind lasts that long due to things like Alzhiemers and other nuerological conditions that come with age. I just really don't want to get that old.

As for feeling old in my forties, not really too awful much. Hangovers last longer and hurt more but Hey, it's good incentive to not drink too much. :) The thing about wisdom coming with age is true too, I think a lot more before I do something stupid. Of course I always end up doing the stupid stuff anyway but at least I think now before I just go on ahead and do it and try to figure out a way to get out of trouble beforehand if I get caught.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 01, 2014, 03:01:45 PM
Mine too, apparently. That explains a lot... :/

Mine was 12 ;o;

I wanna be 1222222 :(

Quote from: barbie on May 01, 2014, 02:54:19 PM
One of my goals is to defy both age and gender. I try hard to look both young and feminine. I am not quite sure how long I can do it, but I try everyday.

According to an unverified test in the internet, my mental age is 21  :D

http://www.arealme.com/mental/en/

barbie~~

Apparently my mental age is 50. Go figure, lol.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 01, 2014, 04:24:21 PM
Apparently my mental age is 50. Go figure, lol.

I got 27!   

I was like omg I can tell by the answers I'm giving it's gonna say I'm like 75, but then it came back with 18.  O.o.  I can usually tell what a test like this is gonna say..

I take these tests with a huge pinch of salt but I enjoy doing them for fun.  I got 34.

On topic, it's not really something I think about a lot.  Being satisfied with my situation and relatively mentally stable are more important things to me and those aren't affected by my age.

Personally, I've never looked or felt my age. I've always felt and looked younger. When my family accompanied me to my first day at college, moving into the dorms, my new roommates thought a my older brother was moving in and that I was just his kid brother along for the ride. Later, at 22, I worked in a locomotive repair shop and the guys that worked there would tease me (in good fun) by asking me where I parked my bicycle! My 32nd birthday was last month, and my best friend threw me a dinosaur-themed birthday party complete with cookie decorating and silly party hats. Everyone in attendance (most in their 30s) had a blast! Like they say, you're only as old as you feel. I guess that means I'm about 12 most of the time. Ha!

Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on May 01, 2014, 04:34:00 PM
I take these tests with a huge pinch of salt but I enjoy doing them for fun.  I got 34.

On topic, it's not really something I think about a lot.  Being satisfied with my situation and relatively mentally stable are more important things to me and those aren't affected by my age.

Yeah I mean there is a lot about life that I don't know, but one thing I know for sure is that I DO NOT act 18 years old.  I act my age I would say, if anything.

Quote from: barbie on May 01, 2014, 02:54:19 PM
One of my goals is to defy both age and gender. I try hard to look both young and feminine. I am not quite sure how long I can do it, but I try everyday.

According to an unverified test in the internet, my mental age is 21  :D

http://www.arealme.com/mental/en/

barbie~~

I was curious....apparently I am 44 inside. Lol. 19 years difference.

Apparently my mental age is 33 and I'm 8 years more mature than my actual age.   Wasn't expecting that.  I tend to be considered mature for my age in some ways by other people, but I do have some immature attitudes/expectations and lack general responsibilities that other adults have.  I would've thought I was like 21 or something given the fact that I'm emotional and have sort of an inner child that is coming out more and more.  Weird.  Oh well, as long as I don't look 33, lol. 

Mine came out 32 which seems about right.  Now If I only looked it    lol.
j

Apparently, I'm 26.. Seems about right..

It bothers me a lot because of my illness. Started when I was 15, still sick and I'm not far off 22. People always tell me it's OK because I'm still young, and they're right, but...it's still six years of my life wasted. I've done nothing with my life for those years, I've gained literally no life experience and I will never be able to be those ages again. I worry that I'll be 30 and still not done stuff that people in their late teens have done. I feel like I might as well have been in a coma for six years, because nothing's been gained. So no matter how long I live for, it's six precious years of my life wasted. And I really hate that feeling.

I'll be 61 in a few months  and I'm really OK with it.  Of course it would be nice to be young thin & pretty again and I would prefer not to have to address some of the physical issues that can accompany the aging process but that just seems to go with this part of the journey.  I lead a very active life - I work hard, travel when I can, exercise regularly, eat well and do whatever I can to maintain the ol' bod.  I'm also endlessly fascinated with the world around me and the people in it.  I'm actually digging being a feisty ol' gal who can still turn a head or two and other than my aftermarket genitals and breasts, I've had no other plastic surgery nor do I plan to as I rather like the way my physical shell is evolving as I age.   

Carol

I'm glad you brought this up. I have some phobia associated with older people. It's not fear so much as extreme discomfort. Growing up, I had no contact with one side of the family and limited contact with my grandparents on the other side. I lived in young neighborhoods and had no contact with other sixty-plus people. I was always uncomfortable and awkward about my grandparents. I didn't even know how to address them! I also had nothing in common with them; they were basic working people, not well educated, who did things with their hands. I was a voracious reader who loved intellectual pursuits and classical music. I thought of them as uninteresting, and I tended to think of all older people as fitting the same mold. I still think that way, probably out of habit.

A friend of mine was so busy at a certain stretch of his life that he hadn't had time to see his ninety-year-old grandmother, so he told me that he was looking forward to a visit. I was just blown away; my gut reaction was, "Why would you want to talk to HER?" I had the same reaction when I was a kid and some other child would be excited to spend the week with her grandparents during the summer, or whatever.

This issue is affecting my relationship with my therapist, who is an older guy. I see the age in his face and his body, and I am disgusted as well as preoccupied by my disgust. One reason I'm not making much progress is that I'm keenly aware of his age and can't seem to forget it. My father is even older, and I haven't seen him in decades. It's not awkward only because of trans stuff; I'm not sure I want to see him because he is so old.

Ever since I turned fifty, I've had a keen awareness of the poetic irony of getting older when I'm turned off by senior citizens. I'm getting gray. My body is slowing down. Things are even worse at the moment because I'm temporarily disabled and can't exercise; I've gained about twenty pounds.

And I am trans. I can't imagine any gay man's being interested in the younger me; why would he be attracted to the fiftyish me?

   Lets see here , I have 64 candles on my cake (bonfire bring the wieners )  my chest sez 16-17 ouch and now this darn test sez I am 33. Well I do know one thing I am so confused ---but alive and happy  !  :)  Patty

Quote from: Arch on May 03, 2014, 08:40:25 AM
This issue is affecting my relationship with my therapist, who is an older guy. I see the age in his face and his body, and I am disgusted as well as preoccupied by my disgust. One reason I'm not making much progress is that I'm keenly aware of his age and can't seem to forget it. My father is even older, and I haven't seen him in decades. It's not awkward only because of trans stuff; I'm not sure I want to see him because he is so old.

Ever since I turned fifty, I've had a keen awareness of the poetic irony of getting older when I'm turned off by senior citizens. I'm getting gray. My body is slowing down. Things are even worse at the moment because I'm temporarily disabled and can't exercise; I've gained about twenty pounds.

And I am trans. I can't imagine any gay man's being interested in the younger me; why would he be attracted to the fiftyish me?

Oh yea, I used to have a therapist like this. One day she came in sick and looked like she could have kicked it right there in session. That one made me really anxious anyway, I don't know it's cuz she was old but her opinions were just so... opinionated, I mean for a therapist. And she had a life of experience to talk about while not talking about me.

My current therapist is a way better fit. Only like 30 and just much more fun to be around and I don't know, somehow i value the relationship and the trust a lot more. It has been very healing. If you have doubts, it's probably worth finding someone new (:

Quote from: FA on April 30, 2014, 03:05:11 PM

I feel rather bothered about my age even when i'm only 21. =/ in general I felt pretty bad about turning into my 20ies cause that ment "I now am a full grown up person" and despite the age I don't feel my life is very much like a grown up.

I got friends a my age who both have there own apartment and cars and study on high levels on universaty, but I don't have a job and no income means I cant efford living by myself, Neither do I have a car or an universaty degree but simple studing regular subjects =/. mentally people usunally say im more mature but practically my life haven't changed much since I was 16 and it bother me alot.
-
I think most of my age hate also has to do with the way I been brought up. I been growing up with the belif that I would never be as good as other. I was not allowed to take the buss to school before I was 15 while normally kids can do so when they are 11. neiter was my education level high. Back then i did not care so much cause I belived I really wasn't worthy of it, beside I was very depressed and didn't care cause I didn't thought I would be older than 20 anyway. Now i'm 21 and I know i'm worthy and can do what other people can, but I feel I lost some years which put me behind of my age and its really annoying me.

I'm 52 and approaching the age my father died which freaks me out a bit.  The test says 18 but my daughter thinks my mental age is more around 5!!  I think that as long as I am alert and physically well, I can generally just be me and forget age.  If I am unwell or injured, I tend to feel the years and get a bit down on it.  Guess the secret is to be physically and mentally fit and age then means little.

Quote from: EmmaD on May 08, 2014, 02:39:52 PM
I'm 52 and approaching the age my father died which freaks me out a bit.

You too? My father and older brother both died at fifty two. I finally breathed a sigh of relief when I hit fifty three. I definitely get where you're coming from.

At 60-ish, my age only bothers me when I think about how much I've missed by not transitioning before now and how much pain that has caused me. I mind some of the effects of aging -- I'm starting to get some arthritis in my hands and whatnot. But I would never want to go back to being 16 or 20 or whatever; I was miserable, knew nothing, and had no perspective about anything, and life is a lot more fun now that I pretty much know what's going on.

As far as looks go... I look at people who are 20 or so, and very few of them even have faces; they're just sort of blank, and they look pretty much alike. To me, the way someone's face shows their life is what makes them beautiful -- or not.

I did that test and my mental age came out to 35, which is sort of encouraging, I guess.