Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So... I've never thought it would happen, but obviously I need to go back on part-time instead of full-time... I just cannot bear it right now... I've been sirred almost all the time, no matter how I dress, what's my make-up, etc. I was called "he" even with a top, showing enough of my breast, while it's visibly not fake... I have more feminine walk, than half of the girls I know... My voice is passable on the phone...
I don't know what I do wrong, but maybe I was just rushing the things, assuming, that on almost 15 months of HRT I am visually passable enough, which aparently came not to be true.
I feel frustrated, depressed and stuck...

Can you help me with some suggestions how to proceed in this situation...?

I don't know that I have any suggestions, but I do have tons of tenderness to send your way. I'm not seeing anything in your photo that makes me think "male". Do you have any women friends that you are comfortable enough talking to and who will be candid (but not blunt) about any visual cues that seem male in your demeanor or deportment? How about your gender therapist? Mine was very good at recognizing the vestiges of male socialized mannerisms in my and helping me get rid of them.

Either way, please stay strong and beautiful. You will get there, I'm sure.

Jane

I wish I could make it better.  In your picture you look absolutely like a woman.  Just stay strong.  Hugs

Your beautiful, in your picture.  I really hope everything can work itself out, and you can go full time again soon.  Please keep your chin up.

Dont let others get to your skin & change who you are  ... Stay strong & I wish you best of luck in what decision you make

Getting some advice from cis women you trust is a pretty good idea.  Ultimately the choice has to be what makes you the most comfortable now.  "Tomorrow is but a dream"  I don't know of any rules except to be true to oneself. If you are more comfortable part time for now, ok.  If you need to better find the inner you, she is there.

I hate it when someone calls me sir, even if I deserve it for the way I am behaving.  But it doesn't happen to me when I am projecting femininity, only when I am unsure.  Could confidence be a part of this?  IDK

Hugs,
Julie

Based on your avatar I can't imagine what the issue is. Maybe it's posture, the way you walk or talk (as opposed to the sound of your voice), or clothing style (surely they don't sir you when you're in a dress?) or make up (is it too much or not enough, don't know if your beard shadow shows but that's a definite male gender marker). Short of correcting them, I'm not sure what you can do.

Am I missing something here ? From your picture, you clearly look every bit the woman to me. So, why on earth would you want to go back the other way ? I think you would have to try hard to convince people that you were a bloke if you tried. Chin up and ignore them or point the in the direction of the nearest opticians.

Nikki

Keep trying! Rest up a while, get better organized & try again.   I tried so many times I've lost count. For me it was always the stupid beard/facial hair.

It's OK GF, chill a while, take some bubble baths, be glad for what you did.

There are no gender therapist in the country I live in... just psychotherapists (I am visitng one every week). She was the one, who told me it is time to go fulltime three weeks ago...
There are two friends of mine, who think, that my face is still a little bit more angular for a woman and if someone stares at me and they are close enough, they will probably notice what I am... The rest of my friends say, that I am passable enough, but I think, that all of them are just hiding the truth, trying not to hurt me.

I don't have a beard shadow - I had 11 laser sessions so far and there is no dark hairs anymore, but only some light and tiny hairs left, which are hard to see, but I still need to shave them to become 100% invisible.

I don't wear dresses now, because I am still afraid to do so, but I wear tight jeans, which are pretty feminine, combined with different kind of tops, blouses or shirts, also typically feminine.
My make up is usually something like that (this photo was made right before I was going out en femme, about 10 days ago):

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1140.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fn569%2Fmonikanovakova%2FPhotoon2014-04-18at19212.jpg&hash=d5b2d9c49dee95ddfb32ab71de5211045a0cd6ea)

You look great, maybe just relax more & do not try so hard. Enjoy yourself, be confident in yourself & care less what other people think.

Lipstick, all women wear lipstick. You are pretty, enjoy making up your face.

Enjoy life GF, you are going to be just fine.

Buy some nice dresses. A bright red litte number. Dress up & go out on the town & just have fun.  Almost nothing makes a girl feel better than a beautiful dress unless it's a new pair of shoes.

Quote from: FrancisAnn on May 03, 2014, 05:54:55 AM
You look great, maybe just relax more & do not try so hard. Enjoy yourself, be confident in yourself & care less what other people think.

I agree, I don't think looks are the issue..

QuoteLipstick, all women wear lipstick. You are pretty, enjoy making up your face.

Feel free to disregard this, not all women wear lipstick.. Maybe if it was 1952..

QuoteEnjoy life GF, you are going to be just fine.

Can't argue with this..

Poor girl is probably tired of everyone telling her what to do. She looks great.

Good luck GF.

try going out with a group of chicks, I notice I pass more when its me and some guy friends, people tend to just see me as another dude, just shorter lol so maybe going out with a group of chicks will help, plus they can let you know whats tripping you up with passing, you look female to me, I would never sir you on the street

Aquarelle, you don't look male to me.

Thank you all for the kind words and the advices *hugs* I will follow most of them (some are not applicable) :)

My wardrobe is full of nice girl's clothing - everything from lingerie to coats. I don't have male clothes anymore - I gave them all to friends almost two months ago, because I believed it is time to go fulltime and continue my life as a woman... But now, my lawsuit for changing ID is delayed (this country is freaking absurd), I got sirred enough and finally I am just scared to wear my dresses, because I still see a man in the mirror... Maybe I am weak or just something's wrong with me...

Unfortunatelly, I can't go anywhere with girlfriends and so on, because I have no money to go to cafes, bars, cinemas and everything like that... I can only visit some friend around after they finish work and then walk back home alone in the dark, which is not an option...

I'm sorry it's going a bit rough.  For what it's worth, I can understand where you are coming from.  I've never gone full time myself (still waiting) but it seems like the very beginning is always a bit of a transition.  Maybe you just need a little more time with it.  However, if you decide to go back to part time for a little while, there is no shame in that.  Some of us need more time and it's as simple as that.  It's not a race, you move as fast as you need to for yourself.  Good luck with everything.  :)

What part of the country are you in? I mean, I'd almost say anyone who "sir"s you the way you're dressed and present is doing it deliberately and hurtfully. Are you sure it's as much as you think? Or do you only remember the ones that stick out? Are you super tall? Just reverse their gender back and smile... confidence and cheekiness go a long way. Good luck and don't give up; you aren't pretending to be a woman, you aren't trying to be a woman. You ARE a woman. Own it.

Quote from: Jane's Sweet Refrain on May 02, 2014, 04:27:29 PM
I don't know that I have any suggestions, but I do have tons of tenderness to send your way. I'm not seeing anything in your photo that makes me think "male". Do you have any women friends that you are comfortable enough talking to and who will be candid (but not blunt) about any visual cues that seem male in your demeanor or deportment? How about your gender therapist? Mine was very good at recognizing the vestiges of male socialized mannerisms in my and helping me get rid of them.

Either way, please stay strong and beautiful. You will get there, I'm sure.

Jane

This is great advice. I don't see anything about your photo that would psychologically force somebody to sir you unless they see something we don't, and they're just being arrogant jerks. If I knew you in person I could help you some. I don't know how you have been carrying yourself or whether your voice / verbiage / tone does in fact set people off from time to time. In my experience in having a lot of trans friends, voice is usually what brings people to subconsciously mis gender somebody.

As far as I can see, my location is not visible in the topic, so - I live in Sofia, Bulgaria. It is the capital of the country and it is a shiny rotten apple, like the whole country. There is no middle class here - only very rich and very poor... Aparently, I am not from the rich ones...

From everything said so far, I assume, that the thing, that makes people to "sir" me is something, which can't be seen on pictures, or heard on a recording...
A friend shared the theory, that I probably exude insecurity in my female image, which is immediately registered by the others, and when they stare at me, they see a man, so they "sir" me.

Quote from: Aquarelle on May 03, 2014, 05:39:01 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1140.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fn569%2Fmonikanovakova%2FPhotoon2014-04-18at19212.jpg&hash=d5b2d9c49dee95ddfb32ab71de5211045a0cd6ea)

You look female to me, in person you may look andro-fem (to me).

I don't get it either.

I would say it's body language. Remember body language is 50% of communication. Maybe having friends video tape you going about your daily will help you to focus in on what needs to be improved.

Quote from: Aquarelle on May 03, 2014, 05:39:01 AM
There are no gender therapist in the country I live in... just psychotherapists (I am visitng one every week). She was the one, who told me it is time to go fulltime three weeks ago...
There are two friends of mine, who think, that my face is still a little bit more angular for a woman and if someone stares at me and they are close enough, they will probably notice what I am... The rest of my friends say, that I am passable enough, but I think, that all of them are just hiding the truth, trying not to hurt me.

I don't have a beard shadow - I had 11 laser sessions so far and there is no dark hairs anymore, but only some light and tiny hairs left, which are hard to see, but I still need to shave them to become 100% invisible.

I don't wear dresses now, because I am still afraid to do so, but I wear tight jeans, which are pretty feminine, combined with different kind of tops, blouses or shirts, also typically feminine.
My make up is usually something like that (this photo was made right before I was going out en femme, about 10 days ago):

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1140.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fn569%2Fmonikanovakova%2FPhotoon2014-04-18at19212.jpg&hash=d5b2d9c49dee95ddfb32ab71de5211045a0cd6ea)

It's definitely puzzling why that reaction. The only thing I could see would be your voice , but I haven't the slightest idea how that sounds.

In appearance, hairstyle is the most critical. Most women here have very tidy hair styles. You may try to change your hair style or tie your hairs, while hiding your M-shaped forehead as much as possible.

When my hair is not tidy, most people read me as a man. When my hair is well straightened, almost everybody initially reads me as a lady. Nowadays I do not get my hair straightened, and I usually tie my hair with a decorative pin.

barbie~~

Quote from: barbie on May 03, 2014, 04:56:17 PM
In appearance, hairstyle is the most critical. Most women here have very tidy hair styles. You may try to change your hair style or tie your hairs, while hiding your M-shaped forehead as much as possible.

When my hair is not tidy, most people read me as a man. When my hair is well straightened, almost everybody initially reads me as a lady. Nowadays I do not get my hair straightened, and I usually tie my hair with a decorative pin.

barbie~~

You know what, Barbie is correct. I didn't really look at your hair but it looks like a frizzy mess! ;D

I think a flat iron will really fem it out. Usually men with long hair have frizz and birds nests. You know, cuz guys are unkempt.

Study this
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.msg1417617.html#msg1417617

I found my problem with being sir'ed ect ect was my location, to many people knew the old me, and wouldnt adapt, I had to relocate to a new town to escape it.

Quote from: Evelyn K on May 03, 2014, 05:16:32 PM
You know what, Barbie is correct. I didn't really look at your hair but it looks like a frizzy mess! ;D

I think a flat iron will really fem it out. Usually men with long hair have frizz and birds nests. You know, cuz guys are unkempt.

Study this
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.msg1417617.html#msg1417617

Yes, a good point!

Eh... while the hair maintenance alone isn't a cause of concern for me, I think if the lack of maintenance to her hair is a microcosm of her overall presentation, then I could see why she may be incorrectly gendered. I say it quite a bit to friends, if you're wearing something that just doesn't look right on you, it highlights your flaws and can work against being seen as who you wish to present as. It pays to have a full body mirror and you really need to be objective.

Quote from: GendrKweer on May 03, 2014, 01:13:21 PM
Good luck and don't give up; you aren't pretending to be a woman, you aren't trying to be a woman. You ARE a woman. Own it.

This above is some very good advice.

I don't get it either. From your photo I only see woman with the exception of maybe your hair looking a little unkept as others have pointed out. Are you nervous when you go out? People can read insecurity however even if your a little nervous I still don't understand. Not everyone's a rock.

I sincerely think you look much better than I do, and my voice is atrocious yet I'm gendered correctly wherever I go makeup or no makeup. I do keep my hair groomed or up in a ponytail. People even look past my atrocious voice, and even after speaking I'm gendered correctly as female. I do have a confident attitude about myself, and I really don't give a crap what other people think about me, idk.

The only thing I can think of is your location, and maybe a number of little things that when put together come across more masculine than feminine. Something we're not able to see in your photo. For I have a hard time believing a little unkept hair is giving you away. We all go out on windy days and though my hair's naturally straight I still enter a lot of places after walking through a windy parking lot. So I don't think it's your hair being a little unkept, at least not on it's own.

I wish you the best whichever you decide. I wish I could be more help. The only thing you could do is go out with a few cis women friends and have them gauge your overall presentation and let you know what if anything your doing wrong.

Ally :icon_flower:

Okay, no offense, but as someone who spent 5 years living in Eastern Europe, location location location... Bulgaria. I moved the heck out of there (not Bulgaria) for a reason...   :-\

Dear Aquarella,

I think you are going in the wrong direction in finding the reasons for being sirred.. It's completely those A-holes around you...

First of all, now build your self confidence,,.. watch an inspirational movie may be.. ha watch,,, legally blonde 1 and 2..they are funny too.... or do anything else that will work for you...

Now remember, the term "transsexual" is just a word that was created by some entity in the field of science to identify a group that they assumed as completely different from the norms of gender... In the reality, we are female no matter what our labels may sound like. In fact, think as there are only two kind of sexes\genders in the world,, name them as you want... like A and B..

So now the problem is B people are not accepting the fact that you are an "A" person. if you really feel that you need to be accepted, don't feel down like this. Be tactful, effective and strong. Instead of going through make-up tutorials go and read some stuff about effective communication skills and how to build verbal and non-verbal skills of a strong appealing personality.

If the problem is at work. lets say if both your superiors and equals are doing what they do now, start with the superiors, tell very politely and effectively that you do not prefer being assumed as a "male" and that is a right of yours. Don't show non-verbal cues of desperation and depression, show cues of control, authority and power. As for other A-holes, isolate the bastard No.1, say something well constructed to intimidate him in front of all or few. first simply tell him and them that you don't like to be taken as a male, as a request. Surely, they won't listen, then take that Bastard no.1, and hit him harder. Without showing anger or desperation, directly tell him that you will not tolerate his stupidity. Hit him hard as you can with well constructed words. Question him, tell how uneducated he sounds like, Ignore what ever the ->-bleeped-<- he will say, stick to the goal of putting him down or to make him extremely pissed and yet you stand strong and polite proving your point of his low mentality.  just stick to your point and win that situation as a strong "A".

Trust me this will work... Put down the pack leader,,, then all will fall...all my life I had been fighting for people who were being bullied by others. I always choose the strongest to fight with... and I made sure that I won........
Just try to install your power and spread some sort of a fear and let it grow, ok,, the fear I am talking about here is, the fear of people to be taken as stupid, or to be intimidated, or to be taken as an inhuman and most of all the fear of you as someone not to be played with. Do it once properly and it will grow like a tree. Remember you are dealing with people who are way below any beast.  Just fight effectively.. master the needed communication and leadership skills first.. eye contacts, posture, gesture and all those are important... Don't ever run my dear...


ok.. ill stop now... damn sleepy..

Thank you so much! All of you! You are so kind and supportive *hugs* :)

So, I think it is a good idea to share what my life looks like, so you can have a better perspective of how I actually live:

I am 33 years old musician - guitar and piano player and I work for myself - I teach guitar at home and this is my only income. I have got no any education degree to work something and even If I had got one - there are no well paid jobs here for people without "relations", unless you speak fluently at least two languages (beside bulgarian) or you're a good programmer. Just an example - my mother is an architect and she is forced to clean rich people's houses to survive...
I am not a social type of a person and have got just a few friends, so I do not really need to go out. I played in a rock band, but had to leave it for a while, until I become passable enough to go back.
I live in the center of the city, because my mother's inherited apartment is here and I cannot afford a rent, so I can't move anywhere. Of course, such area is full of people here and it is a sort of stressful, especially for someone like me. I don't have a car, so I can't travel, therefore I am stuck here, until I become passable and change my ID, which will be delayed, because there are some stupid court issues (damned country!).

As I read all of the things written here, it looks like the problem is my confidence, which I need to find out how to build at the given situation...  ???

I don't have any videos of me yet, but I have some recording of my voice, which I made two months ago, so you can get the idea of how I sound (excuse me for my accent and pronunciation): http://www.4shared.com/music/MYt_j_vUba/Female_Voice.html? (http://www.4shared.com/music/MYt_j_vUba/Female_Voice.html?)

Your voice is too falsetto. Yeah that will need some work!

Quote from: Evelyn K on May 04, 2014, 01:13:42 PM
Your voice is too falsetto. Yeah that will need some work!

Agreed, I think we may have found part of your problem. I only say part of the problem because I don't think your voice alone could be causing all of what you've described.

Ally

I think your voice is good, though there is a little falsetto in it.  It's not bad at all, but others might pick up on it, especially those that are used to your accent. 

I don't think it's off. I'd gender you female over the phone.

I did this due to being stuck trying to transition in a retail job. Went full time four to five months back, wasn't going terribly well for me and then dropped back to part time for a few months before saying 'the hell with it' and going full time again...and staying that way ever since.

I'm getting more passible and I think my voice is ok, but I'm still clocked often enough. I'm quite presentable, I think it's due to my upper body bulk, deportment etc. A LOT goes into passing.

Basically I cannot go into a falsetto position, because of a damage, I did to my voice during the puberty, due to too much screaming and trying to sing louder and higher, than I my voice could endure... so I am not in a falsetto - just my voice sound like this, for better or worse.
I've just made another sound recording, by the manner I usually speak, just to see if there is any difference with the sample I posted, but my voice sounds the same - it is natural to me and I don't force it to sound like this...

Just in case - here's the new recording (my reading aloud sucks, but it is better, than just improvising something in english...don't judge me): http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp (http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp)

Quote from: Aquarelle on May 05, 2014, 10:04:05 AM
Basically I cannot go into a falsetto position, because of a damage, I did to my voice during the puberty, due to too much screaming and trying to sing louder and higher, than I my voice could endure... so I am not in a falsetto - just my voice sound like this, for better or worse.
I've just made another sound recording, by the manner I usually speak, just to see if there is any difference with the sample I posted, but my voice sounds the same - it is natural to me and I don't force it to sound like this...

Just in case - here's the new recording (my reading aloud sucks, but it is better, than just improvising something in english...don't judge me): http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp (http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp)

I think if you averaged out the female population your with in the range.

Quote from: Aquarelle on May 05, 2014, 10:04:05 AM
Basically I cannot go into a falsetto position, because of a damage, I did to my voice during the puberty, due to too much screaming and trying to sing louder and higher, than I my voice could endure... so I am not in a falsetto - just my voice sound like this, for better or worse.
I've just made another sound recording, by the manner I usually speak, just to see if there is any difference with the sample I posted, but my voice sounds the same - it is natural to me and I don't force it to sound like this...

Just in case - here's the new recording (my reading aloud sucks, but it is better, than just improvising something in english...don't judge me): http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp (http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp)

Ok, the difference between this recording and the other is night and day. Here you sound great (though I couldn't understand what you were saying, lol!) and very feminine. I wish I could get my voice to sound this good. It's gotta be the way your presenting yourself (ie: confidence vs no confidence) and/or your location. In addition, I've found caring too much what other people think can be a detriment. As many here have said. You must have confidence in yourself above all else. The rest is gravy.

I have sort of a scratchy voice which is why I think mine is overlooked.

Ally :icon_flower:

Thanks, Ally :)

Aparently, it is always good someone different than me or a close friend to hear my voice, so I can have an actual idea what is happening and where I am with doing this...
So, I'll assume, that I sound ok and will just polish the details.

I know my english sounds terrible and I am working on it, but it takes time...  ::)

kate - Yes, I am really out of breath, because I repeated this section like thousand times, before I managed to read it without stuttering :D


So... confidence... I don't really have got a realizable idea how to achieve it...  ???

Quote from: Aquarelle on May 05, 2014, 02:21:26 PM
Thanks, Ally :)

Aparently, it is always good someone different than me or a close friend to hear my voice, so I can have an actual idea what is happening and where I am with doing this...
So, I'll assume, that I sound ok and will just polish the details.

I know my english sounds terrible and I am working on it, but it takes time...  ::)

kate - Yes, I am really out of breath, because I repeated this section like thousand times, before I managed to read it without stuttering :D


So... confidence... I don't really have got a realizable idea how to achieve it...  ???

The first part of it is not giving a flying f___ what other people think. Once you achieve this confidence will come. Hold your head up when you walk also no matter what you hear or whitness. And if someone does misgender you, politely correct them (I have to do this sometimes on the phone only). It works, and the more your gendered correctly the more your confidence will build. Accessories also help such as rings, earrings, necklaces, etc.

Ally :icon_flower:

Quote from: Aquarelle on May 05, 2014, 10:04:05 AM
Basically I cannot go into a falsetto position, because of a damage, I did to my voice during the puberty, due to too much screaming and trying to sing louder and higher, than I my voice could endure... so I am not in a falsetto - just my voice sound like this, for better or worse.
I've just made another sound recording, by the manner I usually speak, just to see if there is any difference with the sample I posted, but my voice sounds the same - it is natural to me and I don't force it to sound like this...

Just in case - here's the new recording (my reading aloud sucks, but it is better, than just improvising something in english...don't judge me): http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp (http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Tyhoiy7eEp)

I wrecked my voice trying to master a death metal roar, I hurt something in my throat, and  it never got better.
So I share some of your pain.
Is english your first language?

Ally - thanks for the advices - I will follow them gladly :)

nickikim - I am bulgarian and the english is my second language... beside the several other languages I've been studying and never learned :D That's why my pronunciation is funny, although I've been told by many native speakers, that my english is pretty good for an eastern-european... I usually don't talk in english the way I did in the last recording, but I was nervous and my tongue was not listening to me at all :D