Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello all, I don't know where I should go to get the right information, or what's going to happen next.

I'm a single parent dad and my 11 year old told me last night that she feels like she's really a girl, not a boy. I wasn't expecting it (bolt from the blue) but I suppose there have been little 'tells' over the years. Off the top of my head, some feminine mannerisms, hand gestures, a few speech things, but nothing that ever led me to think I had a daughter hiding in a boy's body.

I'm stuck to know what to do next, where do we go for help? What can be done for her to stop puberty? She's already 5' 5" and has broad shoulders and some upper lip fuzz going on.

I'm 100% behind her, I love my child no matter what form she takes, my baby is my non negotiable in life. We're a team and have been since my wife passed away 8 years ago.

I'm floundering to know what to do next. She knows I'm always on her side, and I'm beyond proud she felt able to come to me with this. On a selfish level, part of me is saddened that my dad and son dreams are slipping away from me, but I know this isn't about me and my dreams, it's about what's best for my child.

I would like some pointers from other parents, or from anyone who has been through the same thing my child is.

Please bear with me while I find my feet, I dont yet know what is acceptable terminology, and I don't want to cause any distress to anyone who is transgender.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for replying, Kate.

We're in England, just north of London. I need as much information as anyone can throw at me.

Is it safe for an 11 yr old to use hair removal cream? The upper lip fuzz is noticeable (pale skin, dark hair) and she's desperate to get rid of it. I used to comment a lot on that fuzz, thinking I was helping my son feel like a man, now I feel guilty that I was making my daughter feel like hell.

Nothing of use to add. But I did want to say that you are a breath of fresh air. It's absolutely heart warming to see someone so unwaveringly supportive of their child.

Go magic dad!

I first knew when I was about 9; but learned to hide as there was not much into at that time. The above links will definitely help and hopefully you can get a GP referall / councillor relatively soon. I eventually transitioned nearly 30 years later.

Take time to listen to her and be a mum as well as a dad. It sounds like you are on the right path; and I wish you both the best of luck

like the nair removal cream? it shouldnt hurt, I use to use it, cause waxing a stache off hurts like a bitch, so before I was out as trans, I use to use the hair removal cream on the lip, basically just dont leave it on too long and follow the directions and everything should be fine, the ends are the bitches though and hard to come off, so the ends of the stache you might want to leave on a bit longer, hope this helped

I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful father.  As someone that's been struggling for my families acceptance, I want you to know how amazing it is for your child to receive such support.  While I don't have any parental advice, as that's way out of my field, I wanted to say that I hope your child finds there path and you continue to offer her your understanding when they continue to discover who they are.  Having a supportive father will mean the world to your child regarldess of their gender.  Good luck with everything. 

Magic Dad, please also think of yourself during this time. No one is perfect and it's in the dead of night that you might realise you're also deeply rooted in your daughter's path. What I'm saying, is I suggest you also go see a therapist to discuss your feelings, concerns, love, etc. Wishing you all the best!

I made some calls to find out what happens next, and arranged a GP appointment to organise a referral. It's going to be around 18/19 weeks before the first Tavistock session.

I explained to my daughter that there's nothing we can do to hurry it up, and she's ok with the waiting time. We've found a name we both like (the first couple she threw out there were just too much for me) and it fits her well.

I just about survived the first of what I have no doubt will be many wallet emptying trips. She's still presenting male to the outside world, so I thought it might be a good idea to make sure she's got her own girl space at home where she can really be herself. It's not easy to keep a straight face when an 11 yr old is going on (in a very earnest voice) about the importance of accessorising.

I'm not perfect by any stretch and I've had some very down moments. My son wanted me to take him to a specific place but I never got round to it, now he's gone and I will never get that opportunity back. The guilt and regret is overwhelming, at times it has felt unbearable.

This is the first time I have cried since my wife died, my son has gone and I didn't even get the chance to say good-bye. I miss him like I can't describe and I'm mourning him. He was epic, and now he's gone.

My daughter caught me crying, and she thought she had upset me. I explained that it wasn't her I was upset with, it was the regret and guilt, and knowing I'm never going to see my son again. I told her how much I regret that missed trip,and I asked her to tell my son how truly sorry I am about it, and how sorry I am for all the times I screwed up, if she ever got to speak to him. She says he's fine with it and that he couldn't have had a better dad.

I've been listening to Songbird (the Eva Cassidy version) a lot, and it just about sums it all up.

My son really has gone, there is a young lady there instead. She even looks different, holds herself differently, laughs differently, a whole myriad of differences. She smells different, too. One very funny moment happened when she was choosing her new deodorant. She already decided on the spray, and then looked for the matching roll on (accessorising: it's important) and the joy and wonderment on her face when she saw that girl stuff comes in glass creased me up.

I need to get to know her properly (I did actually introduce myself to her as her dad) and find out what makes her tick. I've asked her how she's feeling now, and she said it's as though a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders and that her skin isn't a prison any more.

As her dad, that weight has now transferred from her shoulders to mine.

Magic Dad,

Having read your post a little earlier, I have to admit that I cried a bit.  Something about the freedom your child and happiness she feels is just really touching.  I'm glad she is feeling that way and it makes me very happy to hear that.

As for you, it's totally normal to grieve a bit.  For a lot of people, it does seem seem to feel like you lost someone.  It's okay to feel that way.  However, I hope you are getting the support you need as well.  Have you reached out to other parent's of transgender children?  Is there a support network for you as well?  One of my biggest regrets is that my family never found support for themselves during this time.  Just remember you aren't alone during this process.

Quote
As her dad, that weight has now transferred from her shoulders to mine.
Unquote.

Dad, your shoulders are not alone, they are supported by ours. We are here for you, and for her.

Cindy

Thank you.

I have a message I can't seem to reply to. Please don't think I'm ignoring you, I really appreciate what you said.

You can reply after 15 postings to PMs.  :)

Quote from: Magic Dad on May 04, 2014, 10:20:15 AM
Hello all, I don't know where I should go to get the right information, or what's going to happen next.

I'm a single parent dad and my 11 year old told me last night that she feels like she's really a girl, not a boy. I wasn't expecting it (bolt from the blue) but I suppose there have been little 'tells' over the years. Off the top of my head, some feminine mannerisms, hand gestures, a few speech things, but nothing that ever led me to think I had a daughter hiding in a boy's body.

I'm stuck to know what to do next, where do we go for help? What can be done for her to stop puberty? She's already 5' 5" and has broad shoulders and some upper lip fuzz going on.

I'm 100% behind her, I love my child no matter what form she takes, my baby is my non negotiable in life. We're a team and have been since my wife passed away 8 years ago.

I'm floundering to know what to do next. She knows I'm always on her side, and I'm beyond proud she felt able to come to me with this. On a selfish level, part of me is saddened that my dad and son dreams are slipping away from me, but I know this isn't about me and my dreams, it's about what's best for my child.

I would like some pointers from other parents, or from anyone who has been through the same thing my child is.

Please bear with me while I find my feet, I dont yet know what is acceptable terminology, and I don't want to cause any distress to anyone who is transgender.

Thanks for reading.

I just want to say this makes me to happy to read, how supportive and great you're being. :)

I can understand why this is difficult for you, but your daughter is truly lucky to have your support. With all the challenges that transgender people face, having the support of close family members really can and does make all the difference. The majority of my emotional energy in my transition went towards fighting with my family, unfortunately, and it made it difficult to focus on taking care of the other aspects of the transition. Your support will be indispensable to your daughter's well-being. :)

You have been a most amazing parent period.

Regardless of the issue, you have stepped up as a parent to stand next to your child, hold their hand, and say that you will always be there. Some parents just can't do that even for smaller issues. As a parent to 3 little ones, I applaud you, grinning and crying at the same time.

The loss of your son and bearing of new weight on behalf of your daughter are both very understable feelings. They might both be feelings that will last for a time as well. I hope that you find support here as a parent, a parent of a transgendered child, and as a person. When our loved ones come out to us, we mourn the one who was there before. The epic little man will always be in your heart to still love, you'll just get a couple of tiny hearts to keep in yours now instead of one :)

Good luck to both of you on this new adventure!

Wow best dad EVER? Congratulations for being so amazing! Maybe taking her to a gender therapist could help you guys know the next steps.

I don't have any advice, I just want to thank you. This is really important. I tried to come out as a child and it went badly, and I know it goes badly for a lot of kids. If you can get her diagnosed in time to prevent the wrong puberty happening, that would be wonderful, but even if you don't your support is going to be life-changing for her. Thank you again.

Magic Dad, you are an inspiration! 

It's absolutely wonderful to see how you have embraced your child.  You are extremely lucky, as is your daughter!  Since she's had the courage to tell you about herself so early, she's now going to have a normal (i.e. horrible) adolescence, just like any other girl :D

The waiting times you referred to earlier sound a bit nasty - is there any more effective private route you can take to at least kick-start the process?

With hugs from Madrid
Julia

Can I just... can I steal you? And you can be my dad? Please?

My dad reacted very, very badly.

You're daughter is so lucky to have you.  :)

Wow.

Kudos to you, your love and understanding is an inspiration.  Please don't forget to look after yourself as well - as others have mentioned, there is support out there for you.  Don't blame yourself, she is who she is, it will be important to remember that when the rough patches happen.

As your daughter is headed into puberty, batten down the hatches, it can be a wild ride as she finds herself and her place in the world, trans issues notwithstanding - don't forget to pick your battles.  Often I feel we as parents hope for the best in the teen years, that some of the values we've tried to impart will stick.

*sending you a long distance hug*

This girl is sooooooooooooo lucky to have you. Insanely.

But I'd just like to mention something that bugged me and bugs me when people say this. Completely my opinion, don't know how other people feel about this but just think it's worth thinking about.

You "gained a daughter"? As a trans person my self when people say that about me and so on, I feel terrible. It implies that the old me died......... You've not gained a daughter, she is and has always been a daughter. She is what she is.

Hi Magic Dad.
I'm Mom to an older trans* girl. She came out to me last year just after turning 19. I was raised by a single Dad, myself. I am proud to be a non-binary woman. Yes, I am a cis-female, but I grew up in a mostly male socialization. That being said, I hated dresses, eventually wore my hair proper short, but always knew I was a 'girl'. That should have made it easier for me when my child informed me we had been doing it wrong for so long.
I cried to lose my son. I cried because we didn't know sooner. I truly wish she could have understood sooner so the transition would have been more seamless,  without the testosterone playing havoc.
You have this opportunity.  She's still young and on her way with an amazing Dad who cares enough to come hete and find out more about this journey.  I understand the sense of loss of your dreams and possible negation of your efforts to make your child a successful man. She now has an advantage of having a parent that can show her that gender identity is not a measure of anything. Your head may swim, but she's been coping with this for a while.
I believe eventually you will learn your child hasn't gone anywhere.  Your preconceived notions are what go out the window.  Yeah, I believed I had done something wrong along the way. But this is about your child and her path to success.  You're doing it well and lovingly.
I know you will cherish your child no matter what path she walks. You've come a long way and are an awesome Dad to be supporting her.
Please, keep coming back.

Ps: our little family had a wonderful holiday in London last year. My husband marveled at a sign on a bus that said "Some guys wear dresses, get over it". It looked to us like more folks "get it" there than here. Wishing you well.