Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have realized that the only way I'm ever going to be able to transition, or even have a shot at it, is if I tell my family. My family is moving soon, and although they assume that I will come along with them, they might not want me coming along after I have told them. My family is fairly conservative; not really LGBT friendly. My mother's opinion is fueled mostly by her religion, though I'm not sure what fuels my fathers dislike for the LGBT community. This anti-LGBT mindset appears to be mostly my parents, but seeing as how they raised my siblings, I'm not sure they will be any different either.

I am going to need to tell them, whether I like it or not. They have to know my conditions if going with them, and if I don't go with them, they should know why not. I have read that the majority of the time that siblings are the most accepting of another siblings decision to transition ( obviously not always, but a good percentage of the time if there is an accepting family member, it's a sibling ). I was thinking maybe I should tell my brother before anyone else? Right now he's at college, but will be returning for the summer and will be moving with us. I could tell him and hope he can give me some advice on how to tell my parents, or I could stay silent and drop the bombshell on everyone right before we move. Each option is nerve-wracking and I don't really want to do either, but I don't think I have much of a choice. My parents are at a very unstable time in their relationship, especially with moving in all. This news could bring their relationship to the ground and I sure don't want that. That's why I think maybe I should tell my brother first, to see what he thinks, and if he is accepting, what advice he would give me.

What do you folks think? Is this a good course of action, or an accident waiting to happen? I know I haven't given a lot of details and since you don't live my day to day life you won't have the best grounds for predicting the right way to go about things, but I value your opinions and at this point could use all of the help I could get. Anyone who has shared a similar dilemma or has any advice/comments whatsoever, please feel free to share, I would really appreciate the help.

Hi Courtney,
Who do you trust - and by trust I mean who will understand your discomfort, not try to fix it, be accepting, and be willing to be discrete while following your lead?  It doesn't have to be inside your family.  If you are seeing a counselor, let yourself be counseled.  Coming out to family, particularly if you are all under the same roof is crazy making.  Throw a bit of intolerance into the mix, and I have trouble imagining how scary that must seem.

If you trust your brother, he is a good choice.  He knows you and is biased to want you to be happy.  Your parents might surprise you, but if they don't, are you prepared for the consequences?  I never tell people to stuff gender issues, but choosing a time, place, and environment is the better part of prudence.  Make a plan, list the most likely objections or responses, write down your responses. Get as comfortable as you can with what is likely to happen, then take a deep breath and do your best, being honest and well informed.

I hope it goes OK, but when I hear stories like this I get a little afraid, and a little sad.  You deserve to be celebrated as a human becoming, not made to feel unsure and tentative.  This is life changing stuff, and should be life affirming as well.

Blessings to you,

Julie

Quote from: JulieBlair on May 08, 2014, 06:06:40 PM
Hi Courtney,
Who do you trust - and by trust I mean who will understand your discomfort, not try to fix it, be accepting, and be willing to be discrete while following your lead?  It doesn't have to be inside your family.  If you are seeing a counselor, let yourself be counseled.  Coming out to family, particularly if you are all under the same roof is crazy making.  Throw a bit of intolerance into the mix, and I have trouble imagining how scary that must seem.

If you trust your brother, he is a good choice.  He knows you and is biased to want you to be happy.  Your parents might surprise you, but if they don't, are you prepared for the consequences?  I never tell people to stuff gender issues, but choosing a time, place, and environment is the better part of prudence.  Make a plan, list the most likely objections or responses, write down your responses. Get as comfortable as you can with what is likely to happen, then take a deep breath and do your best, being honest and well informed.

I hope it goes OK, but when I hear stories like this I get a little afraid, and a little sad.  You deserve to be celebrated as a human becoming, not made to feel unsure and tentative.  This is life changing stuff, and should be life affirming as well.

Blessings to you,

Julie

Thanks for the reply :)

Well, I don't really have a friend or family member I can trust with problems in my life. I'm not even sure if I can trust my brother. It's just a more likely option than trusting my parents. I don't see a counselor or therapist or anything. And I'm honestly not prepared for the consequences either, I know what they will be, but I have no way of preparing for it. Getting kicked out of the house at 18 with nothing but a minimum wage job is a little bit hard to prepare for. :/

are you able to go see a counselor?

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 08, 2014, 11:07:08 PM
are you able to go see a counselor?

I'm not really sure. To be honest I'm not sure it would help, it would just cost me money that I can't really afford to spend. Do you think I should go see one?

if your suffering gender dysphoria, its good to at least talk to a neutral party to at least get some of it off your shoulders even if they arent experienced in this particular field but believe me when i say the spill over isnt pretty when you start to suppress your feelings. you can try and write it all down and get it out a little until you get the opportunity to talk to a neutral party. 

I write my feelings down, and that's been sufficient for a while now. Since I'm taking action on my feelings now I have to tell family and such, just so they know what is going on. I don't really think a counselor/therapist will be able to help me much, because although they may be neutral, it doesn't change the fact that the people I actually have to tell may not be neutral :/

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on May 09, 2014, 12:23:35 AM
I write my feelings down, and that's been sufficient for a while now. Since I'm taking action on my feelings now I have to tell family and such, just so they know what is going on. I don't really think a counselor/therapist will be able to help me much, because although they may be neutral, it doesn't change the fact that the people I actually have to tell may not be neutral :/

well therapy only helps if you allow it to. they help you with transition plans if you want to transition and if hrt is the right fit. they arent like other therapist and its a long process but its better than trying to self medicate or driving yourself berserk becuz you cant take it anymore

Well my plan is to go to a doctor who operates on informed consent, I already have a few in mind. The problem with going to see a therapist is I simply can't afford to spend a bunch of money seeing one. And as far as I know there isn't really any other transition plans to be made. It's sort of a now or never sort of deal. If I move with my family, the place I'm going to will be a dead end for me and my transition will never see the light of day. If I tell them, chances are very high I will be told to never transition. If I refuse and transition anyways, I won't be able to move with them and I'll stay where I'm at. If I stay where I am at, I have a chance of transitioning, but most likely will end up being homeless. So I guess I'm just between a rock and a hard place. That's why I was hoping maybe my brother could help, but I don't even know if I can muster up the courage to tell him.

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on May 09, 2014, 12:42:58 AM
Well my plan is to go to a doctor who operates on informed consent, I already have a few in mind. The problem with going to see a therapist is I simply can't afford to spend a bunch of money seeing one. And as far as I know there isn't really any other transition plans to be made. It's sort of a now or never sort of deal. If I move with my family, the place I'm going to will be a dead end for me and my transition will never see the light of day. If I tell them, chances are very high I will be told to never transition. If I refuse and transition anyways, I won't be able to move with them and I'll stay where I'm at. If I stay where I am at, I have a chance of transitioning, but most likely will end up being homeless. So I guess I'm just between a rock and a hard place. That's why I was hoping maybe my brother could help, but I don't even know if I can muster up the courage to tell him.

so environmental issues. that i could understand. have you tried stealth? you can wear female underclothes over your regular clothes. i do that and i'm fine most days though dysphoria gives me near cardiac arrest episodes half the time

I don't think that would suit me. It would just make me paranoid and honestly it would only fix half of the problem. It might temporarily fix the personal aspect of my dysphoria, but there would still be a huge gap in the social aspect that would gnaw at me daily.

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on May 09, 2014, 12:49:45 AM
I don't think that would suit me. It would just make me paranoid and honestly it would only fix half of the problem. It might temporarily fix the personal aspect of my dysphoria, but there would still be a huge gap in the social aspect that would gnaw at me daily.

well, if you feel your brother would understand, try the what if approach and see what happens. gauge what his response would be and go from there but dont make it obvious. its a play dough affect my therapist calls it. you try and suppress it but it will leak out through opens in a not so pretty way

I feel like my brother would know something was up if I used the what if approach, just like I would know something was up if he did the what if approach to me. I don't know, I hope he would understand and accept me, but I just can't see that because I have this constant anxiety of being made fun of and hated for being trans. I guess I'll just have to think about it and try to decide what my best course of action is.

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on May 09, 2014, 01:00:18 AM
I feel like my brother would know something was up if I used the what if approach, just like I would know something was up if he did the what if approach to me. I don't know, I hope he would understand and accept me, but I just can't see that because I have this constant anxiety of being made fun of and hated for being trans. I guess I'll just have to think about it and try to decide what my best course of action is.

just know we are here for you. whenever you need to talk, just ask.

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 01:04:41 AM
just know we are here for you. whenever you need to talk, just ask.

Thanks Liliana.

Courtney,
You are remarkably brave.  There are a lot of people who spend time on this site from California and who might be willing to have a sit down with you to talk this out.  This forum is pretty amazing, but not the same as coffee with a friend.  Also check out the trans support groups in your area.  You're going to need help, and you have to find a place that is safe to seek it.  If you want to talk send me a message, and I'll give you my cell number.  Good luck and be safe,

Julie

Quote from: JulieBlair on May 09, 2014, 08:54:37 AM
Courtney,
You are remarkably brave.  There are a lot of people who spend time on this site from California and who might be willing to have a sit down with you to talk this out.  This forum is pretty amazing, but not the same as coffee with a friend.  Also check out the trans support groups in your area.  You're going to need help, and you have to find a place that is safe to seek it.  If you want to talk send me a message, and I'll give you my cell number.  Good luck and be safe,

Julie

well put. as julie said, we are here to help and again i say, anything, anything at all, dont hesitate to ask  :icon_hug:

my dads religios. and i aproeched him religiosly with the subject.

I asked him if he believed that god wants us to be happy.
and if he beleived that the soul began seperate to exsist within and well be seperat from the body at death.
exsplian how without trasition all my future holds is suicide because without it i cant be happy in my body. and a life without happyness is not worth living.
and that. my body made perfect in heaven most be female unless heaven itself become hell.

might help.

Quote from: JulieBlair on May 09, 2014, 08:54:37 AM
Courtney,
You are remarkably brave.  There are a lot of people who spend time on this site from California and who might be willing to have a sit down with you to talk this out.  This forum is pretty amazing, but not the same as coffee with a friend.  Also check out the trans support groups in your area.  You're going to need help, and you have to find a place that is safe to seek it.  If you want to talk send me a message, and I'll give you my cell number.  Good luck and be safe,

Julie

Thanks Julie, I'll probably look for a support group eventually, there aren't any directly in my town as far as I know, maybe in my county, but without a car, getting there without being noticed will be a challenge. I'm going to buy a car soon I just haven't had a direct need for one up until now. I'll do a bit of research on support groups in my area and see what I can come up with. Thanks again.  :)

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 09:22:47 AM
well put. as julie said, we are here to help and again i say, anything, anything at all, dont hesitate to ask  :icon_hug:

Thanks a bunch :)

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 09, 2014, 10:08:59 AM
my dads religios. and i aproeched him religiosly with the subject.

I asked him if he believed that god wants us to be happy.
and if he beleived that the soul began seperate to exsist within and well be seperat from the body at death.
exsplian how without trasition all my future holds is suicide because without it i cant be happy in my body. and a life without happyness is not worth living.
and that. my body made perfect in heaven most be female unless heaven itself become hell.

might help.

That's interesting. I've never really thought about taking a religious approach to it. I'm not outwardly religious, sort of keep things to myself, so they probably wouldn't believe me if I did a completely religious approach, but maybe a mild one would help smooth the situation over a bit. Thanks for the advice. :)

Well sis, i can tell you now that me and are one in the same cuz imma about to go into cardiac shock after this week ._. I hope i'll be able to recover long enough for this week to end

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 03:18:47 PM
Well sis, i can tell you now that me and are one in the same cuz imma about to go into cardiac shock after this week ._. I hope i'll be able to recover long enough for this week to end

I'm sorry hun. In regards to your offer about letting you know if I need help, consider the same from me okay? I might not be able to offer much but if you ever need to chat just send me a PM :)

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on May 09, 2014, 03:50:38 PM
I'm sorry hun. In regards to your offer about letting you know if I need help, consider the same from me okay? I might not be able to offer much but if you ever need to chat just send me a PM :)

Duely noted. Literally having to us my umbrella as a crutch cuz i can barely stand up straight. Lemme off this crazy ride  :'(

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 03:53:29 PM
Duely noted. Literally having to us my umbrella as a crutch cuz i can barely stand up straight. Lemme off this crazy ride  :'(

I feel ya.  :-\

At least my therapist nows. Cant wait till friday is here ._. I'm prayimg to get my hands on that elusive letter so i can end this torment

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 04:35:16 PM
At least my therapist nows. Cant wait till friday is here ._. I'm prayimg to get my hands on that elusive letter so i can end this torment

Best of luck! Let me know how it goes :)

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on May 09, 2014, 06:33:37 PM
Best of luck! Let me know how it goes :)

I hooe he hands that letter over, if not, i might cry. Well its one one of my sister's friends so its not as bad. Have to stop doing that but you never tell a girl to calm down. Gets us wound up even further

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 06:40:25 PM
I hooe he hands that letter over, if not, i might cry. Well its one one of my sister's friends so its not as bad. Have to stop doing that but you never tell a girl to calm down. Gets us wound up even further

Well it's good that it's someone who's not a complete stranger. I hope things work out for ya:)

Love is unconditional. Period. Unfortunately, as many here have found, this does not always hold true.  But what is true is the emotional burden, stress and torment you are under at this moment. The most liberating and empowering moment of my life was when I started speaking those words, "I am transgender" out loud. They started in my head. Then I started speaking them softly to myself in bed at night, next to my Shrink, then my PCP. As my list grew, immediate family, I tested the waters and came out to my wife.  It didn't pan out as I had envisioned, a real sh*t-storm.  Friends and family have dropped like flies and ostracized me. But these are things that you have to be prepared for and almost have to expect nor be afraid of, almost embrace. Strength is your ally; fear your enemy. And you should push all doubt out.
My biggest supporter is one of my son's. Lately, we've talked the religious aspect of transitioning and if God makes mistakes. There had been many nights that I had lain in bed, asking God to change me, make me right when I awoke. He never did. What he did do though was give me the strength and courage to do what I am doing now. And this does take and enormous amount of strength and courage. He's pretty religious, and always steers the answer in a very positive direction, to the point of offering LGBT supportive churches in my area. And just a little side note here too: Aren't Christian's supposed to be loving of everyone?
In the end, your happiness is most important, what matters the most. You have to be happy with you. Period.
Good luck!

Quote from: SandraB on May 10, 2014, 05:32:34 AM
Love is unconditional. Period. Unfortunately, as many here have found, this does not always hold true.  But what is true is the emotional burden, stress and torment you are under at this moment. The most liberating and empowering moment of my life was when I started speaking those words, "I am transgender" out loud. They started in my head. Then I started speaking them softly to myself in bed at night, next to my Shrink, then my PCP. As my list grew, immediate family, I tested the waters and came out to my wife.  It didn't pan out as I had envisioned, a real sh*t-storm.  Friends and family have dropped like flies and ostracized me. But these are things that you have to be prepared for and almost have to expect nor be afraid of, almost embrace. Strength is your ally; fear your enemy. And you should push all doubt out.
My biggest supporter is one of my son's. Lately, we've talked the religious aspect of transitioning and if God makes mistakes. There had been many nights that I had lain in bed, asking God to change me, make me right when I awoke. He never did. What he did do though was give me the strength and courage to do what I am doing now. And this does take and enormous amount of strength and courage. He's pretty religious, and always steers the answer in a very positive direction, to the point of offering LGBT supportive churches in my area. And just a little side note here too: Aren't Christian's supposed to be loving of everyone?
In the end, your happiness is most important, what matters the most. You have to be happy with you. Period.
Good luck!

I fully agree on the religious aspect, God equals love. And family should have unconditional love for eachother, let the transgender situation be an opportunity to grow in love and acceptance to become closer as a family.  :)