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Sometimes my dysphoria is strong other times it is subtle. Most of the time I just feel a big detachment from everything going on in my life. I have no motivation to be the best person I can be because I feel that I am living some sort of lie. Sometimes I want to scream and throw a fit like a 2 year old wanting sweets, but I should know better so I keep a silent appearance on the outside. While inside I'm screaming and pouting. Each time I see a girl whom I could see myself as my mind throws its fit. "It's not fair!" I scream inside. Then I have to try to calm myself down because acting childish will not get me what I want. So I go into blank mode and detach myself from the feelings but this creates a dull existence. I feel boring. I can't make connections with others. I seem disinterested in their lives when in fact I care very deeply for them and don't want to see them suffer. So, my question is how do you all experience dysphoria? Does anyone experience it similarly to myself or is everyone a little different with it?

Most of my dysphoria was social - that people would treat me as a man, men would want to be my pal, women thought I was approaching them sexually.

I also had body dysphoria in the form of pain whenever I realized I would never know what it feels like to have a female body with silky hair, breasts (though I've got little ones now), soft hairless skin, and of course a female bottom.

The social dysphoria is 100% gone. I still have body dysphoria from not having a female bottom and having to do with my hair (when I see it in a mirror), but it's more of a dull pain than something that torments me.

Hey,

"It's not fair" is really common for me. Much self-pity. I try to fight it since it isnt helping but it is really not fair, isnt it? Before i know that i am trans i cant really classify my feelings toward woman. If i saw a pregnant one i have strong envy feelings and get really sad but most times....hmm maybe like narziss who look at his mirror image? Some alien feelings, little body disphoria(beard, voice), cant stand my mirror image, "gratuitous" raising depression since im 17, insecurity in my behavior(feel sometimes like an actor) and since ~5 years ->-bleeped-<-. Since i know that i am trans these feelings are much stronger. Hopelessly and much more self-pity :S

Greetings

Thank you suzifrommd for sharing. I despise the idea that men only approach women because they want to have sex with them because it just isn't always true. Vast generalizations are never true to every single person. That's why when I approach a situation I try to treat everyone like a blank slate and just pencil in things that I learn about them from the way they speak to the way they act. It's the best way I can think of to be fair. I definitely have body dysphoria too as well as the social bit you discussed.

Ishtar I totally feel like an actor too! For me it's more like playing a video game character though, more separation that way. I didn't even think about my identity that much growing up. I just went to school, played video games, read some books, watched tv. That was pretty much most of my life. I did have thoughts and desires of wishing to be a girl, but it never clicked with me. I never pursued it any further. In the past couple of years I've been seriously asking myself "who am I?" Things have gotten a lot more confusing. I know that I get to choose how to express myself, but I feel that choosing only limits myself to a certain image and I hate feeling limited because I limited myself through most of my life. However, not acting is limiting myself too so it sucks either way. Lol.

how i experience my dysphora is like going into cardiac arrest. already had 2 episodes so far. i just see it a becuz different people have different feelings, the strong the feelings, the more terrifying your dysphoria becomes

Umiko I'm sorry that you are going through that. *Hugs* I have had mild episodes of panic attacks. The most it does to me is to not let me sleep very well at night.

mines also tend to disappear for a day but when it returns the next day, i literally have to claw at a tree to keep myself under control and upright until the arrest is over. people look at me like i'm crazy so i say when my heart starts beating again that i'm tree hugging lol.

 My job doesn't allow me to be that dispassionate about others. It would probably be better, really, if I was. I find myself reacting as I've trained myself over too many years, playing the man . It's as if I'm watching someone else use my body. Since I came out to myself and then most of the staff at work that happens less and less, and less with my wife, which she likes. I hope she connects the two when I finally come out to her.

For me, the cute girls, although I do envy them, don't really kick up the dysphoria. It's the large, the obviously ugly, the mannish, they make me think, "nobody doubts she's a woman, why do they doubt me?". That's when I really get hit hard!

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 09:35:56 AM
mines also tend to disappear for a day but when it returns the next day, i literally have to claw at a tree to keep myself under control and upright until the arrest is over. people look at me like i'm crazy so i say when my heart starts beating again that i'm tree hugging lol.

Haha. Trees are awesome for hugging. :) I know what you mean about it disappearing and then returning. I guess when that happens to me it's when the child within is tired of screaming and is taking a rest.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 09, 2014, 09:39:22 AM
My job doesn't allow me to be that dispassionate about others. It would probably be better, really, if I was. I find myself reacting as I've trained myself over too many years, playing the man . It's as if I'm watching someone else use my body. Since I came out to myself and then most of the staff at work that happens less and less, and less with my wife, which she likes. I hope she connects the two when I finally come out to her.

For me, the cute girls, although I do envy them, don't really kick up the dysphoria. It's the large, the obviously ugly, the mannish, they make me think, "nobody doubts she's a woman, why do they doubt me?". That's when I really get hit hard!

What do you mean by dispassionate? Also I totally understand letting someone else use your body feeling. I hope you come out to your wife soon secrets can kill relationships, but of course you have to be ready too.

*Hugs*

I used to be really disconnected from myself and my body. Every once in awhile, I'd get the feeling that I should be male, but I pushed it down.
Now that I accept that I have gender dysphoria, the fact that my body is female shaped makes me very uncomfortable. I envy regular guys, but don't hold it against them.

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 09, 2014, 09:10:44 AM
Ishtar I totally feel like an actor too! For me it's more like playing a video game character though, more separation that way. I didn't even think about my identity that much growing up. I just went to school, played video games, read some books, watched tv. That was pretty much most of my life. I did have thoughts and desires of wishing to be a girl, but it never clicked with me. I never pursued it any further. In the past couple of years I've been seriously asking myself "who am I?" Things have gotten a lot more confusing. I know that I get to choose how to express myself, but I feel that choosing only limits myself to a certain image and I hate feeling limited because I limited myself through most of my life. However, not acting is limiting myself too so it sucks either way. Lol.

my adolescent life could have a similar description. i had happy years 16-20 but i start with 17 to break my social contacts down. when my conscription ends with 20 my circle of friends was reduced to a handful. some fellow students try to approach me but i stay on distance. start to thought about moving out that i am alone and have my peace. i finally had to question my problems because the time comes when it was impossible to say "everything normal, nothing wrong". i often experience a bit refusal when i act to "childish(or girlish)" but that wasnt the reason why i start questioning but i wonder if my self-imposed isolation is linked to this.

greetings

Most of my dysohoria is internal and mental. I have no problem being called sir or ma'am. Niether one bothers me. My male genitals do not bother me even though I wish that I had the female version, but no big troubles there either 'cause they have provided me with some feel good times. Mine is more internalized than anything else sort of like feeling out of synche and a deep yearning and longing that in itself is emotionally crushingand at times makes me an emotional mess.

Lady curiosity, mine is a lot like yours. The only difference is it spikes when I see anything to do with gender... And I work in retail... :(   my heart also goes crazy at moments too... I've only realized I'm transgender for a month but I haven't slept much at all this month. I also lost a lot of weight about 140 lbs... I think thats what made me realize it. When people say looking good inside I get so sad. And my body is horrible for the dsyphoria, tall, big feet, receding hairline, I've had beard since I could cause I hate shaving my face, kinda know why now. So I can't look in the mirror or it gets bad.

Jess42 I feel that same way to now seeing your post... However even with the good times my male genitals have started to bother me a little... Out of sync and emotional mess, Yup so true. :(

It's weird I think but ill say it. One thing I did which could raise questions I guess, but I grew out my fingernails I tryed filing them round, I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. But if the dsyphoria kicks in I just look at my fingernails and sometimes it gets a little better... I really like nail art but can't do it.... :( :(

Mine, I get sad when I'm walking behind girls, women, thinking, "why wasn't I born like them, why was I born like this??"  Where I work, we sometimes have groups traveling with us, for basketball, swimming, .. different activities.. saying hello as they board, or goodbye as they leave.. I see walls closing in when my dysphoria really begins to build.. Not like anxiety, or panic, but like a crowd pressing in.. I look at their faces, their clothes, their fun.. Wishing it was me.. Walking off, in their body, their joy, their fun.. mine...

I know everyone has problems too and that they're having fun now, but their own troubles may not be as "easy" as mine.. but I wish they were my troubles, not the ones I have, in this body.

I frown a bit and feel sad when I'm "sir'd".  There is no way anyone could know I would love to be "ma'am'd" or "miss'd" looking as I do.. but  that's just one thing that, someday, will be unmistakable.

I used to feel envious and sad about it when I was really young, but mostly I was okay. The real effects started when I hit puberty, every time I looked in the mirror at what I was becoming. It used to make me feel physically ill, like my stomach would churn and I'd sweat. And my shoulders would slide back and up, and the tension would rise in my body with this itchy, scratchy, wrong feeling. And then my head would hurt. I started avoiding mirrors, but I'd still get the feeling sometimes, whenever I noticed certain changes to my body.

I was on track to becoming a lifeguard, but stopped swimming entirely at about 14 because I couldn't handle being that unclothed around people anymore. A year after that and I wouldn't even wear shorts. It was a crawling, shame kind of feeling.

I tried to totally disconnect from my body and my feelings. I kind of went through life half-dead and mostly unaware, punctuated by periods of viciously self-destructive depression. I started cutting when I was 16, as a way to numb myself from feeling anything. Suicide attempts came after that.

I've always experienced emotions very physically and I still do, even now that the dysphoria is almost entirely gone.

Surreal, disturbing, sometimes jarring, and overall very wrong. I know what I look like, but somehow seeing my face in the mirror is a bad surprise every time. Same with anything touching my junk. Before top surgery, a lot of effort was put into avoiding seeing my chest or anything bumping into it. As it was I could still feel those things there all day, so tried to always be doing something to distract myself from the wrong feeling. I often hesitate to speak because hearing my voice is unpleasant and weird. T is thankfully changing my skin texture, as it gets less soft and sensitive it starts actually feeling like my skin.

It didn't make sense to me. On someone else I would've thought my body looked good, but on me, I hated it.
Not knowing what was wrong also led me to misunderstand why I hated social interaction so much. Hearing my name or being referred to p---ed me off and I didn't know why. Things people said meant as compliments, felt like insults. Signing my old legal name on a form felt like committing fraud. I started buying men's underwear long before realizing what my problem was, because going into the women's underwear department made me feel like a creep. The thought "I don't belong here [in the women's section]" would come up and somehow, being an oblivious and ignorant dork, I still didn't catch on for a long time. I think I didn't WANT to catch on, because I didn't know there was a way to fix it.

I would like to add that going through puberty was about the hardest and heaviest dysphoria I had. Raging hormones, all the freakin' confusion, the only time that I had body issues though, I still didn't mind the penis but I actually grew little buds on the chest, in which I really caught hell with but really pleased and thankful to have. I had to explain that it was an actual medical condition and ironically gave a lot of boys thier first feel of boob which I still smile about today. They finally turned into little A cups and I love em still. Finding myself attracted to both guys and girls really confused me. But hey, I grew out of it and looked at the bright side that being "normal" is so boring and overrated anyway.

I experienced it like a cloud of poison.  Anything that was a part of the feedback loop that told me my body and my whole existence were incongruent with me, the actual person underneath, these were toxic elements.  The way I smelled, the hair on my arms, the way I sounded and looked,the way people treated me, looked at me, the expectations they had of me, down to things I wasn't even conscious of, like the chemicals in my brain—the more of these things that were wrong, the thicker and more noxious the cloud.  It reached a point I was absolutely choking on it and I started turning diseased and bile-filled on the inside.  By all rights it should have killed me and almost did.

Quote from: Jen on May 09, 2014, 12:27:11 PMBy all rights it should have killed me and almost did.

I'm very glad it didn't. Many hugs, Jen.

Thank you Sarah :).  /love

today's episode was a lot calmer than usually though my heart nearly broke into pieces

Depends on the day.  Honestly, the fact that I have depression and anxiety issues to begin with makes handling the dysphoria even harder.   I guess the easiest way to describe me is to borrow a phrase from my mother which is "uncomfortable in my own skin".  And that discomfort with how I look and who I am creates a lot of my pain, self hate and misery.  I really wish that I knew of a way out of this.  And here's the sad part, the more I transition, the more dysphoria I feel.  The more I feel I need to analyze my body and every flaw that's wrong with it so that I can hope to one day pass.  And by passing I won't have to worry about everyone else knowing so I can just start feeling free and living.  I'm sick of this mental and physical prison that I'm trapped in but sometimes I feel there is no real escape for me. 

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 09, 2014, 09:50:24 AM
What do you mean by dispassionate? Also I totally understand letting someone else use your body feeling. I hope you come out to your wife soon secrets can kill relationships, but of course you have to be ready too.

*Hugs*

You said that you seem disinterested or disconnected from the lives of people who you relate to when inside that isn't true. Expressing compassion and interest is part of my job, so that forces me to show what I feel.

I'll be coming out to her mid to late June unless my therapist gives me reason to delay. Our 33rd anniversary is at the end of the month and I want one more happy anniversary before I risk it all. My birthday is a few weeks later but I'm not inclined to wait for after that.

My erlyest memories are of playing dresd up with my sisters, they would do my hair and pick out pretty dresses and I'd look ing the mirror and feel pretty, I'd run around the house to show my mum, and remember her luagthing at me, but not that mocking luagth that adorable luagth, like when a 3 year old uses their food bowl as a hat. My dad though no (hat was don't be so stupid, he berated my sisters sbout it, and didn't see what was wrong. Anyway since then I've felt a need to atleast pretend I didn't like being dressed up.

But this happended less and less as my sisters grew up.
I started stealing clothes on a night to try on, I think I systematically work through all my sister clothes back then before puberty.

But puberty that was the worst, I noticed girls that's for sure, starting to hang to gether in some girls only activaties, I didn't know it was girls only antil I asked can I come. No your a boy, my first real problemb my asignes sex ever gave me. Was never interested in anything the boys were doing.

But systematically over the years iv continuasly been told why can't I be like all the other boys, or to man up, or be a man, and my favourite one of all your "supposed to be man" why is that my favourite, because if your supposed to be somthing it means your not it.

Anyway as things went on I stop trying on my sisters clothes after I made my first mess, but I wasn't going to give those one back, I threw them away.

But when shopping for clothes I'd always with a sence of longing look at what the fem section had to offer. It was all that bad if I didn't see somthing I liked. Every time I looked at the male section it was all just bland boring and drap, and when I did see somthing I liked it was "camp" and I suppose that when assumtons of being gay went around and even if people didn't say it, they definatly thought it. First girl I ever asked out, told me she honestly thought I was gay and that I look a camp for her teastes.

Older I started buying clothes online and wearing them at night and walking around the living room listening to music. I lost a lot of sleep and ended to exspressing in the dayN but that ment having to change to leave my room if my dad was in or to leave the house. It realy gets to you when you realise that you got to change clothes just to make a cup of coffe.

So I started to resent my clothes and for years had an on and of relationship with them, the pain of having to change built up and I'd periodically throw them all out, even cut and tear some of the one I thought I'd resque from the garbage. Each time I got rid of them though it left a larger and larger void in my life. But I'd always but more. The last time I threw them a away I missed an item. I remember finding it and my first thought was to throw it away I stood staring at it for a while, and I couldn't touch it I didn't want to I was scared. I picked it up and started to leave my room heading for the bin and I saw my reflexion only just realising the tears throwing this away ment I'd only buy more, its not going to go away why can't I be... And that was my first aknowledgement I didn't think like all the other boys, I thought why can't I be like all the other girls.

Now though its hard for me, I might seem confident with how talk about my dysphoria at time but, I'm confident its somthing I want to do, but defo not confident I can. Now its ruining my life. Iv never been so comfatable in my body through knowing it will chage, but I'm far less sociable then I was before. Ill want to go out and crumbble. I need to start going out again but its so hard on your own, I need people around me and I'm fine shy and reserved but I can shop and joke, and dine everything, but on my own I'm lucky if I get out of the door, I know I can pass, but its passing to myself. Shadow realy gets me, its the worst thing for me right now.

So self scrutiny. I need to go out more,  I know come my therapist apointment ill be their presenting no matter what. Its just sometimes it realy gets me how much face hair gets to me, even more when I nearly always cut myself. So their is more but it seems more like a life story with pieces missing.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 09, 2014, 01:49:27 PM
You said that you seem disinterested or disconnected from the lives of people who you relate to when inside that isn't true. Expressing compassion and interest is part of my job, so that forces me to show what I feel.

I'll be coming out to her mid to late June unless my therapist gives me reason to delay. Our 33rd anniversary is at the end of the month and I want one more happy anniversary before I risk it all. My birthday is a few weeks later but I'm not inclined to wait for after that.

Ah, ok. I got ya now. Waiting makes sense. I wish you the best of luck. *Hugs*.

This topic got way more replies than I thought it would! Thank you all for sharing. :) It's very interesting to see how all of us relate but yet are slightly different in what sets us off. So it seems that seeing the opposite sex is a trigger for people or even just something associated with the opposite sex. I can so relate to that. I get so bad now that when I'm around women's clothing it acts up worse than it used to. Is it like that for you all? The more you accept being trans the more the dysphoria affects you?

I don't recall anything unusual when I was young.  I sometimes wanted to experiment with my outside gender and fancied trying on that pretty dress, but society soon stamped out those feelings.  They would sometimes resurface during puberty and throughout my life and I'd have fantasies (sexual and non-sexual) about being female and enjoy them, but I ran with being male and had no issues with it.

Earlier this year, the desire to cross dress came in full force.  I immediately embraced it and, feeling like I was making up for lost time (though I'm still young at 25), I sourced breast forms, clothes and other resources for presenting myself as female.  Due to the difficulty in getting started, I grew impatient and dissatisfied and even started resenting not being female.  After getting some sexual release, those feelings went away for a short whole before coming back a week later.  I now fluctuate between feeling male and feeling female with much greater frequency (often in the same day).  I much prefer feeling female and they are the strongest at work and social gatherings, but I still cross dress in private whenever I can because I will get grouchy if I don't.

In short: I felt a slight degree of GD, but nothing as severe as with others here.  I don't think I need to transition, but I'd go full time.

Lady curiosity, it is like that for me what makes it worse is working in a retail department store where I have to walk by all the clothing multiple times a night. And with the weight I lost I really need new clothing but.... I can't get around the dsyphoria to buy either clothing. Top that with me having zero confidence to even imagine trying to go out in public as female. I can't even tell if it gets worse because I feel like I'm now becoming soulless. I think it is getting worse but with lack of sleep I don't know. I can't imagine doing anything to change it right now. To be honest it almost starts to feel like full life dsyphoria. :( but ill never give up hope.

Ugh I feel so bad right now. I was out with male friends who don't know about me being transgender and it really makes it hard to function. 

Quote from: Lost in L on May 09, 2014, 06:54:37 PM
Lady curiosity, it is like that for me what makes it worse is working in a retail department store where I have to walk by all the clothing multiple times a night. And with the weight I lost I really need new clothing but.... I can't get around the dsyphoria to buy either clothing. Top that with me having zero confidence to even imagine trying to go out in public as female. I can't even tell if it gets worse because I feel like I'm now becoming soulless. I think it is getting worse but with lack of sleep I don't know. I can't imagine doing anything to change it right now. To be honest it almost starts to feel like full life dsyphoria. :( but ill never give up hope.

Ugh I feel so bad right now. I was out with male friends who don't know about me being transgender and it really makes it hard to function. 

*Hugs* I understand a lot. I sometimes work in a retail shop part time and it becomes unbearable. I can only imagine being around women's clothing full time. I definitely feel somewhat soulless as you describe as well. It's like I'm just not fully connected to this world for some reason. I used to mask it with mmorpgs because then I could be anyone. However, I don't want to spend my whole life just playing games working a dead end job. I want to work somewhere that I can make some sort of difference. Good for you for not giving up hope. Hope is all we have to go on some times. I won't give up either. :) If there's one thing I put my faith in it is my determination and I'm bound and determined to find an identity and connect to this life. Believe it! :D *Bonus point to the one who can name the show that's from hehe. 

Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on May 09, 2014, 06:37:39 PM
I don't recall anything unusual when I was young.  I sometimes wanted to experiment with my outside gender and fancied trying on that pretty dress, but society soon stamped out those feelings.  They would sometimes resurface during puberty and throughout my life and I'd have fantasies (sexual and non-sexual) about being female and enjoy them, but I ran with being male and had no issues with it.

Earlier this year, the desire to cross dress came in full force.  I immediately embraced it and, feeling like I was making up for lost time (though I'm still young at 25), I sourced breast forms, clothes and other resources for presenting myself as female.  Due to the difficulty in getting started, I grew impatient and dissatisfied and even started resenting not being female.  After getting some sexual release, those feelings went away for a short whole before coming back a week later.  I now fluctuate between feeling male and feeling female with much greater frequency (often in the same day).  I much prefer feeling female and they are the strongest at work and social gatherings, but I still cross dress in private whenever I can because I will get grouchy if I don't.

In short: I felt a slight degree of GD, but nothing as severe as with others here.  I don't think I need to transition, but I'd go full time.

I'm 26 going to be 27 in August. :D You have more courage than I to embrace your cross dressing like that. Good for you. I'm terrified to even go out in public at least until I think I look somewhat passable. I've been growing my hair out so that's cool. Maybe I'll try it out on Halloween. Maybe sooner who knows. :D

I start thinking about everything, all the things I used to do to try and be "manly" and failed, all the things that would do to hide dressing up in girl's clothing, all the time's I look in the mirror and just Hate what I see. I don't belong with the "guys" but I've got this "thing" that makes me one. I start thinking about where I was 9 or 10 years ago, where I'm at now and where i might be in 10 years. I get a pit in my stomach and drown my sorrows in alcohol (I'm a gin girl). It didn't fix anything, it just made me not care about life, and made it harder to think.

Thats how I dealt with it for the longest time - up until earlier this year.

My life-partner/girlfriend and I lost a business and are kind-of financially ruined right now. I cried so much that day. This won't be our last business but before now, I haven't failed this big. I kind of cracked in a bad way, I was living a life I didn't want to live, to make money and to become "successful" and I failed and let everyone down. I thought about the choices I made earlier in life when I was too scared to transition when I was in college. The time I decided to cut my long pretty hair. It made sick and I keep re-living everything all at once. It makes me freeze up and either get mentally frazzled as to not think, or I force myself to think about something else before I get to that point. Its hugely stressful and has given me nightmares and instant headaches.

Sounds a bit dramatic but it was just kept getting worse. I had a conversation with myself to either stop it in a very "permanent" way -or- try and find my way back to this path. And here I am. Alive. Not dead. And that's a good thing.

I still freak out about things from time to time, but I am also smart enough to realize "the past is the past" and I can only do things "in the now." That takes the edge off. I've also had 2 therapy sessions so far, and its nice to have someone legally bound to not blab to people about all the crazy stuff that I went through growing up. I've always had my guard up and it was so refreshing to take it down IRL. Now my problem is the further I come, the more I realize I've got to go - right now this is what drives a lot of my "disphoria"(<- Spelling?) - also my disappointment in myself for not doing this 10 years ago. I'm just kind of done pretending, I didn't want to wake up when I was 50 or 60 and realize I've waited so long that I spent most my life living a lie.

TMI?  Ugh.. I'm kind of getting sick feeling just thinking about everything...  :embarrassed:

Quote from: Kova V on May 09, 2014, 11:03:39 PM
I start thinking about everything, all the things I used to do to try and be "manly" and failed, all the things that would do to hide dressing up in girl's clothing, all the time's I look in the mirror and just Hate what I see. I don't belong with the "guys" but I've got this "thing" that makes me one. I start thinking about where I was 9 or 10 years ago, where I'm at now and where i might be in 10 years. I get a pit in my stomach and drown my sorrows in alcohol (I'm a gin girl). It didn't fix anything, it just made me not care about life, and made it harder to think.

Thats how I dealt with it for the longest time - up until earlier this year.

My life-partner/girlfriend and I lost a business and are kind-of financially ruined right now. I cried so much that day. This won't be our last business but before now, I haven't failed this big. I kind of cracked in a bad way, I was living a life I didn't want to live, to make money and to become "successful" and I failed and let everyone down. I thought about the choices I made earlier in life when I was too scared to transition when I was in college. The time I decided to cut my long pretty hair. It made sick and I keep re-living everything all at once. It makes me freeze up and either get mentally frazzled as to not think, or I force myself to think about something else before I get to that point. Its hugely stressful and has given me nightmares and instant headaches.

Sounds a bit dramatic but it was just kept getting worse. I had a conversation with myself to either stop it in a very "permanent" way -or- try and find my way back to this path. And here I am. Alive. Not dead. And that's a good thing.

I still freak out about things from time to time, but I am also smart enough to realize "the past is the past" and I can only do things "in the now." That takes the edge off. I've also had 2 therapy sessions so far, and its nice to have someone legally bound to not blab to people about all the crazy stuff that I went through growing up. I've always had my guard up and it was so refreshing to take it down IRL. Now my problem is the further I come, the more I realize I've got to go - right now this is what drives a lot of my "disphoria"(<- Spelling?) - also my disappointment in myself for not doing this 10 years ago. I'm just kind of done pretending, I didn't want to wake up when I was 50 or 60 and realize I've waited so long that I spent most my life living a lie.

TMI?  Ugh.. I'm kind of getting sick feeling just thinking about everything...  :embarrassed:

Kova V: I totally relate to your trying to do everything manly and failing and trying to hide the dressing up and all. Heck, I even cut off my shoulder length wavy hair (which girls always complemented me on, saying it was gorgeous and they wished they had it) to an ugly male crew cut (it was ugly on me, but it can look really good on most guys, so please nobody be offended :O) and tried being super athletic in high school, in attempt to "fix" my lack of manliness but honestly for my entire life I couldn't help but think about wearing pretty dresses and being a girl, and if I could've had any superpower as a kid I'd have chosen one that let me become a girl whenever I wanted to. But society told me I was a boy and had to deal with it. Other than a strange obsession with women's clothes that would randomly swing into a full hatred of anything feminine and back again, I didn't experience much dysphoria until high school when I hit puberty a little late at 16 (I have hypothyroidism, so my body was actually producing less hormones than it should have been at that age), and suddenly I went from secretly wearing my sister's clothes and just innocently thinking "what if I was a woman?" to deep, unshakeable depression in which I distanced myself from friends and family. When my depression got so bad that I was cutting myself and whenever i opened the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and thought about taking all those pills and stopping the pain, I finally caved and told a few close friends, my older sister, and my girlfriend at the time. Everyone was surprisingly supportive (i left out the cutting and suicidal thoughts though) and even though I faced dysphoria still, I knew there were people who cared about me and I didn't want to die anymore. I literally stopped cutting by throwing my pocket knife into the middle of a lake, and whenever I felt suicidal thoughts emerge I would drown them out with some music from my favorite bands. I still deal with dysphoria, and as someone mention earlier (I think it was Lady Curiosity, but correct me if I'm wrong), now that I accept myself as a woman and see a woman looking out of the mirror at me, my dysphoria has increased in it's strength. Originally it was discomfort, than a burning hole in my chest that dried my eyes of all tears and my heart of all emotion other than self disgustedness, and now i just start shaking violently and have to fight to keep myself from breaking down and crying no matter where I am or what's going on. The worst part is it's always triggered by woman's clothing for some reason, so it always happens when I'm in public and I have to keep up my male exterior. But I'm still fighting it, and I know I'll triumph one day.

Sorry, that was me trying to connect to you but then I got carried away. But we're all here for you, and we can all get through this together :)

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 09, 2014, 08:58:25 PM
*Hugs* I understand a lot. I sometimes work in a retail shop part time and it becomes unbearable. I can only imagine being around women's clothing full time. I definitely feel somewhat soulless as you describe as well. It's like I'm just not fully connected to this world for some reason. I used to mask it with mmorpgs because then I could be anyone. However, I don't want to spend my whole life just playing games working a dead end job. I want to work somewhere that I can make some sort of difference. Good for you for not giving up hope. Hope is all we have to go on some times. I won't give up either. :) If there's one thing I put my faith in it is my determination and I'm bound and determined to find an identity and connect to this life. Believe it! :D *Bonus point to the one who can name the show that's from hehe. 

Wow this feels like it almost came straight out of my mouth. I did the whole mmorpgs too... Dead end job... Yup.... And yea really want to make a difference, this whole experience and my past has really made me see that I really want to help people. I actually, this last week was thinking of trying to become a gender therapist, a lot beacause my area has none. And I recently took a career survey and it popped up therapist. Which is odd because I'm seeing one myself ha. I figure though if i can get through all this I will have learned a lot. I really wish I could just teleport around and do whatever I can to help people here out. :( it makes me feel so bad that I cant help people here more. Everyone has lots of issues but still tries to help each other out its awesome. I'm really glad i found this community!

Quote from: Lost in L on May 10, 2014, 06:40:13 AM


Wow this feels like it almost came straight out of my mouth. I did the whole mmorpgs too... Dead end job... Yup.... And yea really want to make a difference, this whole experience and my past has really made me see that I really want to help people. I actually, this last week was thinking of trying to become a gender therapist, a lot beacause my area has none. And I recently took a career survey and it popped up therapist. Which is odd because I'm seeing one myself ha. I figure though if i can get through all this I will have learned a lot. I really wish I could just teleport around and do whatever I can to help people here out. :( it makes me feel so bad that I cant help people here more. Everyone has lots of issues but still tries to help each other out its awesome. I'm really glad i found this community!

I've thought about being a therapist too! And traveling around helping others! I think about either being given super powers or becoming a robot then going around with a lot of knowledge and skills and just helping others. :) this is an awesome community.  We should team up and help people.  :D

Dysphoria meant displacement.  To survive, to play my birth card as male, meant practice, a conscious and continual act in which I shut down and boxed up anything that didn't fit or could cause male fail.  Cross dressing since the age of 7.  Not an authentic, self authored life by any means.   But I did present and pass successfully as a male.

Finally after many years I have found low dose hrt - the intense and constant self talk, the constant noise and discomfort from feeling out of place, being inauthentic, envious of female presentation and relationship and at heart neither male nor female, has just stopped, leaving me with an opportunity to finally find, express and love myself.

Aisla

Quote from: Aisla on May 10, 2014, 07:32:34 AM
Dysphoria meant displacement.  To survive, to play my birth card as male, meant practice, a conscious and continual act in which I shut down and boxed up anything that didn't fit or could cause male fail.  Cross dressing since the age of 7.  Not an authentic, self authored life by any means.   But I did present and pass successfully as a male.

Finally after many years I have found low dose hrt - the intense and constant self talk, the constant noise and discomfort from feeling out of place, being inauthentic, envious of female presentation and relationship and at heart neither male nor female, has just stopped, leaving me with an opportunity to finally find, express and love myself.

Aisla

Thank you for sharing your perspective. :) I'm glad you have the opportunity to find, express, and love yourself. :D

There are two kinds of dysphoria that I think I sometimes feel.  One spawned from my physical/morphological issues and the other a distinct disconnection from the typical person and their life.  Like I'm a foreigner in my own culture, so I guess in a sense a social dysphoria.

Physical/morphological dysphoria:
At one point it was an extreme physical discomfort.  I just wanted to rip myself from my skin.. or my skin from myself.  Then I got the boobs taken away.  Now its sort of just a weight... Sometimes it grows heavier.  Sometimes it is successfully drowned out by sitcom induced laughter or a good book.  It sounds super emo and dramatic, but sometimes in my head the best description is that it feels like an all-consuming black force lying somewhere around my solar plexus that threatens to spread outwards to the tips of my fingers and toes... washing my brain in its misery.   Like a demon trying to stretch itself outwards into my skin, and infect me with its bitterness.... Usually I can keep the beast at bay.  I try to always remember to keep my heart light, and laugh whenever I can find a moment to.  Maybe when I get phallo some of this will stop entirely.  I know its something I need at this point. 


Social dysphoria:
I don't always think it is a bad thing, in fact often its not, but I do definitely know that I am living in a different world than anyone else I know.  I don't feel unauthentic.  I've never felt like a liar or like I'm pulling a rouse on anyone.  I just don't feel like I connect with the "typical" human experience at all, or at least the one being experienced by anyone else around me.  I just... don't get a lot of things, and they don't get a lot of things about my life.  I know that even if/when I get phallo this will still be the case.  I guess that is the only time that I feel like I'm pretending or being fake... Is when i have to play into some idea of what my life is like/should be like/would have maybe typically been like because its not worth the complicated story of "well actually......."  Its like people meet me and somehow see a whole image of a life that I most likely have lead and make assumptions/comments based upon those things when that hasn't been my life at all.   

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 09, 2014, 09:01:18 PM
I'm 26 going to be 27 in August. :D You have more courage than I to embrace your cross dressing like that. Good for you. I'm terrified to even go out in public at least until I think I look somewhat passable. I've been growing my hair out so that's cool. Maybe I'll try it out on Halloween. Maybe sooner who knows. :D

Thanks, honey.  Some of my close friends (and one or two other cross dressers) have told me the same thing, definitely a stark contrast to my gutless 16-year-old self.  I'm not ready to go out in public yet and I still need to come out to my parents.  I'm going to visit a gender clinic (hopefully some time soon) to deal with the confusion.

Quote from: GnomeKid on May 10, 2014, 11:45:04 AM
There are two kinds of dysphoria that I think I sometimes feel.  One spawned from my physical/morphological issues and the other a distinct disconnection from the typical person and their life.  Like I'm a foreigner in my own culture, so I guess in a sense a social dysphoria.

Physical/morphological dysphoria:
At one point it was an extreme physical discomfort.  I just wanted to rip myself from my skin.. or my skin from myself.  Then I got the boobs taken away.  Now its sort of just a weight... Sometimes it grows heavier.  Sometimes it is successfully drowned out by sitcom induced laughter or a good book.  It sounds super emo and dramatic, but sometimes in my head the best description is that it feels like an all-consuming black force lying somewhere around my solar plexus that threatens to spread outwards to the tips of my fingers and toes... washing my brain in its misery.   Like a demon trying to stretch itself outwards into my skin, and infect me with its bitterness.... Usually I can keep the beast at bay.  I try to always remember to keep my heart light, and laugh whenever I can find a moment to.  Maybe when I get phallo some of this will stop entirely.  I know its something I need at this point. 


Social dysphoria:
I don't always think it is a bad thing, in fact often its not, but I do definitely know that I am living in a different world than anyone else I know.  I don't feel unauthentic.  I've never felt like a liar or like I'm pulling a rouse on anyone.  I just don't feel like I connect with the "typical" human experience at all, or at least the one being experienced by anyone else around me.  I just... don't get a lot of things, and they don't get a lot of things about my life.  I know that even if/when I get phallo this will still be the case.  I guess that is the only time that I feel like I'm pretending or being fake... Is when i have to play into some idea of what my life is like/should be like/would have maybe typically been like because its not worth the complicated story of "well actually......."  Its like people meet me and somehow see a whole image of a life that I most likely have lead and make assumptions/comments based upon those things when that hasn't been my life at all.   

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing.  I definitely feel the social dysphoria too. It's like I see through the fog of lies that people call their life and what they think it means. It may very well not seem inauthentic to them but it does to me. I don't get it either. I cannot understand why people talk about helping others and then find excuses not to. I suppose it has something to do with ego and the survival drive. I just feel awful that the only way I can survive is by competing with others for resources it just seems so pointless when we could join together,  divide up work, end suffering and make the world a paradise.  Instead we create all kinds of problems that would be easily solved with proper justice and political system, proper education,  and just plain cooperation and compassion for each other. How does your experience differ from everyone else's?

Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on May 10, 2014, 01:57:09 PM
Thanks, honey.  Some of my close friends (and one or two other cross dressers) have told me the same thing, definitely a stark contrast to my gutless 16-year-old self.  I'm not ready to go out in public yet and I still need to come out to my parents.  I'm going to visit a gender clinic (hopefully some time soon) to deal with the confusion.

That's wonderful. :)

Might as well break it down...

I'm really dysphoric about my face and voice. I can often find myself getting upset about it, because I honestly believe I look and sound like a woman, despite being 2 years on T. Despite passing for male all the time on the phone, in person, and having my most transphobic family members admit that I look like a man. I usually just get these really bad thoughts like "why do I even bother, I'll never look like a man", "if I refer to myself as male, people will laugh in my face", "no cis man looks like me."

Obviously my chest and genitals bother me a lot. When I think about those things I don't think bad thoughts, I just feel hopeless, depressed, and isolated.

I don't have social dysphoria in the sense that I care about my gender role...but I feel really bad when someone who is "trans savvy" makes the assumption that I'm FTM. It happened a year ago and I'm not over it. I also don't like being in trans spaces for the same reason, people just assume I'm FTM and talk to me like I'm OK with that. I think to myself, would anyone ask Brad Pitt if he was FTM? Would anyone ask my neighbour next door if he was FTM? No, they're asking because I look female, or at least, too feminine to be a cis. So it's not social in and of itself - it just reinforces my physical dysphoria.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 09, 2014, 02:34:50 PM
My erlyest memories are of playing dresd up with my sisters, they would do my hair and pick out pretty dresses and I'd look ing the mirror and feel pretty, I'd run around the house to show my mum, and remember her luagthing at me, but not that mocking luagth that adorable luagth, like when a 3 year old uses their food bowl as a hat. My dad though no (hat was don't be so stupid, he berated my sisters sbout it, and didn't see what was wrong. Anyway since then I've felt a need to atleast pretend I didn't like being dressed up.

I can definately identify with this. I have no sisters but all but two of my cousins were girls, the two guy cousins were way ahead of me in age. I just didn't fight back too hard though or faked not liking it. God, I must be really screwed up. ;)

Quote from: Jess42 on May 11, 2014, 09:45:37 AM
I just didn't fight back too hard though or faked not liking it. God, I must be really screwed up. ;)

Thats a Common miss conception.
People often think we`re so screwed up that we dont even know basic biology.
But we know biology. We know anough to know what is exspected of us conserning it. And Were even smart anougth to know that Sex isnt gender.

And In Many ways we can understand aspects of society in a greater way than most.

were not gender dysporic
"were gender enhanced" - Joan Law

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 11, 2014, 11:05:16 AM
Thats a Common miss conception.
People often think we`re so screwed up that we dont even know basic biology.
But we know biology. We know anough to know what is exspected of us conserning it. And Were even smart anougth to know that Sex isnt gender.

And In Many ways we can understand aspects of society in a greater way than most.

were not gender dysporic
"were gender enhanced" - Joan Law

I really think you are correct on that one. Situations here recently changed on me and now the dysphoria is hitting pretty hard. I have to add to my previous experiences with GID and somehting which I am experienceing now is a little anger, but a very strong since of bitterness mixed with little bit of jealousy or envy. The best way to describe it is that what ciswomen take for granted or actually hate doing are the things that I cherish the most.

Ugh even though I came out to my mom, which went great. I got to much dsyphoria after, I now can't look in the mirror very much. I need to start figuring out what to do I think soon or I'm going to start ripping my beard and body hair out. And the fact that my receding hairline seems worse and I'm losing more hair there.... Ugh finding it on my pillow equal sad...

Also was wondering from other people does the dsyphoria happen less in reference to family and friends?

Opposite of Birkin, a good chunk of my dysphoria is social.  Nothing will ruin my mood faster than the rare occasion that my girlfriend and I are referred to as "ladies" (ugh) I very much care about my gender role in society and relationships, and when it goes right it's a very heady feeling.

I always played with "the boys" when I was younger (and was the leader of the pack half the time) which my feminist mother got a kick out of, but I knew well enough to keep hidden when I'd take off my shirt in my room and look in the mirror pretending to be a boy.

Lost in L, I wonder if that dysphoria is your mind telling you that you're ready for beginning your next step in transformation. That's awesome that coming out to your mom went so well :)

When I was younger, (pre-puberty)  it was a feeling that something wasn't quite right. I had experienced thoughts of wanting to be female, the desire to wear girls clothing,  but I didn't connect the physical discomfort I felt to that idea. As I got older, the physical discomfort became more pronounced, I experienced periods of profound depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of disconnection from my body. Somehow, I managed to keep that under control, occasionally soothing the discomfort by "getting dressed", but I still was in denial, refusing to connect "my perversion" with the idea that I am transgender. Finally, in my 50s, I began to accept that this could be a distinct possibility and as I came closer to accepting what I am, the dysphoria became more intense, physically painful as well as mentally unsettling. A lot of the pain was alleviated after I started HRT, but I still get twinges, especially in lululemon season...

Thanks polo my mom being supporting is really good for me. So I should shave my beard off and put it on my head lol? I actually think the beard is like some sort of shield/dam idk I feel it prevents any one who doesn't know even thinking I'm trans, I feel that if I get it taken off it will unleash the want to push real fast for transition... I'm not ready and dont want to do things to fast, I've only realized im even transgender for a little over a month...

If there was a place in town to get it permanently removed I think it would be on its way to gone. Small town makes finding transgender resources difficult....  I've had it since it could grow, I hated it but I never shaved it myself. 30yrs old and i have never shaved. Lol. Wish my head hair would grow like this stupid beard.

My dysphoria is usually very mild, to be honest, and I feel kind of bad saying that, because a lot of people have it very bad, but I'm putting my experiences out here too just to give another experience to it.

I used to always hate myself, I hated everything about myself. I'm not sure if that was dysphoria, but I never felt like I looked right and so that was perceived as I hated how I looked. Even after puberty, I never had dysphoria over typical things, because my breasts were very tiny (I was VERY happy about that), and it wasn't until I gained weight a few years ago that I started feeling dysphoric because of my chest. Thing is, I often don't experience dysphoria because I don't put myself in a position where I will be. For example, I never really look in a mirror because I've always known I'll feel bad when I do. I might look now and again, but only at my face or something, not my body as a whole. I know I have wide hips and I know I have the body shape of a female, but I don't have dysphoria about it because I never see it, I never remind myself of it. And as for my genitalia...if it's sexual, I get very uncomfortable and overcome with a feeling of wrongness in every way. Day-to-day, non-sexual stuff, I don't feel too bad, I guess.

I have dysphoria over my voice, lack of facial hair and the shape of my face a lot, though. Sometimes I go the entire day without noticing it, and sometimes I'll start crying multiple times a day because I've seen a man and it reminds me that I look nothing like that.

My dysphoria is interwoven with my general anxiety and depression issues, but it definitely makes them worse. It seems like many people on this site realized their gender identities earlier than I did though, so I don't think mine is as bad (?) idk.

I have this persistent impression that my body is not as it should be. The way I'm thinking of it right now is like knowing how your room is. Like, you know where everything usually is inside your room and what things look like, and you can walk through the room with your eyes closed and not bump into anything and still know everything about the room.

But then  you turn on the light to see your room and it's 'off'. You thought you knew where things were put and what things in the room looked like, but nothing actually looks like it should. Important things are missing and there is trash lying around the place. There is a sharp divergence between what I feel (I should) look like and what I see in a mirror, what I hear.

Interacting with other people, I see all of these ways I look like men do and all of these things that keep me from looking like girls do. And then there's the guilt, when guys are trying to be nice by being inclusive, but feeling like "one of the guys" is depressing for me. And I cringe when I realize a girl thinks I have (ulterior) sexual motivations with them. I don't even like thinking about it, but being physically aroused as a male is really upsetting for me. I hate that issue of biology and its drives.

This is all usually a sort of dull weight. Although at time I can distract myself enough to feel okay, I sometimes end up dissociating because I can't handle thinking about all of this, and it easily makes me cry. Sometimes I can't stand it, and my thoughts are self-destructive. I've only just started working out the reasons behind my self harming (and suicide attempts). Reading through this thread I see many people having self harm issues, with is both reaffirming (that yes, there are others) and saddening (that yes, many people do hurt this much).

Quote from: Avery.u2205 on May 19, 2014, 07:31:40 PM
My dysphoria is interwoven with my general anxiety and depression issues, but it definitely makes them worse. It seems like many people on this site realized their gender identities earlier than I did though, so I don't think mine is as bad (?) idk.

I have this persistent impression that my body is not as it should be. The way I'm thinking of it right now is like knowing how your room is. Like, you know where everything usually is inside your room and what things look like, and you can walk through the room with your eyes closed and not bump into anything and still know everything about the room.

But then  you turn on the light to see your room and it's 'off'. You thought you knew where things were put and what things in the room looked like, but nothing actually looks like it should. Important things are missing and there is trash lying around the place. There is a sharp divergence between what I feel (I should) look like and what I see in a mirror, what I hear.

Interacting with other people, I see all of these ways I look like men do and all of these things that keep me from looking like girls do. And then there's the guilt, when guys are trying to be nice by being inclusive, but feeling like "one of the guys" is depressing for me. And I cringe when I realize a girl thinks I have (ulterior) sexual motivations with them. I don't even like thinking about it, but being physically aroused as a male is really upsetting for me. I hate that issue of biology and its drives.

This is all usually a sort of dull weight. Although at time I can distract myself enough to feel okay, I sometimes end up dissociating because I can't handle thinking about all of this, and it easily makes me cry. Sometimes I can't stand it, and my thoughts are self-destructive. I've only just started working out the reasons behind my self harming (and suicide attempts). Reading through this thread I see many people having self harm issues, with is both reaffirming (that yes, there are others) and saddening (that yes, many people do hurt this much).

I didn't realize my gender identity until much later. I'm still not 100 percent sure about it, but I do know that there is something off about me and that it relates to gender in some aspect. I don't think I'll ever 100 percent know for sure until I start experiencing what it's like to live as the opposite sex. I can definitely relate to a lot of people here though you included. Especially where you said when guys try to include you but you don't feel like you belong and you get the feeling that girls are thinking you have ulterior motives behind being kind to them. I too hate my male sex drive. I've had some suicidal thoughts but if there's one thing I'm not is one who simply gives up. I will not quit, ever. Thank you for responding Avery.u2205 and to everyone else who has responded as well. If anyone wants to talk more in depth please do not hesitate to PM me. I will gladly talk to anyone. :)

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 09, 2014, 08:40:48 AM
Sometimes my dysphoria is strong other times it is subtle. Most of the time I just feel a big detachment from everything going on in my life. I have no motivation to be the best person I can be because I feel that I am living some sort of lie. Sometimes I want to scream and throw a fit like a 2 year old wanting sweets, but I should know better so I keep a silent appearance on the outside. While inside I'm screaming and pouting. Each time I see a girl whom I could see myself as my mind throws its fit. "It's not fair!" I scream inside. Then I have to try to calm myself down because acting childish will not get me what I want. So I go into blank mode and detach myself from the feelings but this creates a dull existence. I feel boring. I can't make connections with others. I seem disinterested in their lives when in fact I care very deeply for them and don't want to see them suffer. So, my question is how do you all experience dysphoria? Does anyone experience it similarly to myself or is everyone a little different with it?

So glad you posted this question, I have seen dysphoria used in so many posts, and was never quite sure of what it meant for everyone or if I even experienced it.  I actually discussed it with my therapist today as to why I don't feel these strong attacking feelings that so many others seem to have when people treat them like the wrong gender. 

Wow, well, your initial post is EXACTLY what I experience mixed in with a lot of despair of not having a future worth living.  Just yesterday, at work, I had that pouty feeling you spoke about almost all day long, and even said to myself a couple times out loud that it just wasn't fair mixed in with some tears when no one else was around.  It was a chore to get up the motivation to do the simplest tasks because i felt so frustrated and detatched.  Thanks so much for asking the question, and for providing your experience with it.  Thanks to everyone for providing their experiences as I saw a lot of what I experience in yours.  Through all of the abnormality of being trans, it made me feel a little normal for a brief moment.

Quote from: Kylie on May 19, 2014, 11:27:18 PM
So glad you posted this question, I have seen dysphoria used in so many posts, and was never quite sure of what it meant for everyone or if I even experienced it.  I actually discussed it with my therapist today as to why I don't feel these strong attacking feelings that so many others seem to have when people treat them like the wrong gender. 

Wow, well, your initial post is EXACTLY what I experience mixed in with a lot of despair of not having a future worth living.  Just yesterday, at work, I had that pouty feeling you spoke about almost all day long, and even said to myself a couple times out loud that it just wasn't fair mixed in with some tears when no one else was around.  It was a chore to get up the motivation to do the simplest tasks because i felt so frustrated and detatched.  Thanks so much for asking the question, and for providing your experience with it.  Thanks to everyone for providing their experiences as I saw a lot of what I experience in yours.  Through all of the abnormality of being trans, it made me feel a little normal for a brief moment.

You're most welcome. What is normal anyway? What I experience is normal for me. For others their experience is normal to them. We are told what we experience is not normal when in fact it's just not the default, what most experience.  I'm glad to have found others like myself to share experiences with. :)

Some additional information. The physical part of my dysphroria, the part I believe is caused by the hormone imbalance has always felt to me like the prelude to a panic attack. In the past I would attribute it to some random occurrence, get angry and start an argument. When the argument blew over the dysphoria did as well. Now that I realize what's going on I can avoid the spurious argument but over this past week I've noticed something I hadn't expected. The dysphoria ebbs and flows but it never quite goes away. My wife has noticed the difference, and appreciates it, but I do have to be on guard not to be too touchy and it gets harder and harder for me to appear calm.

Of course, this morning I have more reason than usual. My wife is meeting with my therapist in half and hour so that my therapist can help me figure out how to approach her with this. I have a not irrational fear that my wife will leave that meeting expecting me to immediately tell her what's going on.

You know, rereading some of these experiences in this thread I came to realize that I do suffer from really bad dysphoria at times. It is not social, I can blend in pretty good there. In other words when I see a woman or girl I think is attractive or even unattractive sometimes I am more envious than anything else which is due to dysphoria. Mentally it is really mild, most times it is just there but not really soul crushing out and out dysphoric. Watching television though is when the dysphoria gets really bad. Seeing women on TV in the privacy of my own home just leads to heaviness in the heart, a sort of anger toward whatever whether God, nature, genetics or that for the fastest sperm that led to my conception that carried the wrong chromosome. Anyone else feel this way or is it indeed time for the rubber room for me? :D

Quote from: Jess42 on May 27, 2014, 12:06:53 PM
You know, rereading some of these experiences in this thread I came to realize that I do suffer from really bad dysphoria at times. It is not social, I can blend in pretty good there. In other words when I see a woman or girl I think is attractive or even unattractive sometimes I am more envious than anything else which is due to dysphoria. Mentally it is really mild, most times it is just there but not really soul crushing out and out dysphoric. Watching television though is when the dysphoria gets really bad. Seeing women on TV in the privacy of my own home just leads to heaviness in the heart, a sort of anger toward whatever whether God, nature, genetics or that for the fastest sperm that led to my conception that carried the wrong chromosome. Anyone else feel this way or is it indeed time for the rubber room for me? :D

Quote from: Jess42 on May 27, 2014, 12:06:53 PM
You know, rereading some of these experiences in this thread I came to realize that I do suffer from really bad dysphoria at times. It is not social, I can blend in pretty good there. In other words when I see a woman or girl I think is attractive or even unattractive sometimes I am more envious than anything else which is due to dysphoria. Mentally it is really mild, most times it is just there but not really soul crushing out and out dysphoric. Watching television though is when the dysphoria gets really bad. Seeing women on TV in the privacy of my own home just leads to heaviness in the heart, a sort of anger toward whatever whether God, nature, genetics or that for the fastest sperm that led to my conception that carried the wrong chromosome. Anyone else feel this way or is it indeed time for the rubber room for me? :D

I often think about what i'd be like if I were born a genetic girl.  But the more I try to imagine the more impossible it becomes. I like a lot of aspects about myself.  I just don't like how I look and my current social role. I do wish I could change my sex from birth though and i've definitely shook my fist shouting at nature inside a lot of times.

For me it's mostly a physical sensation. Almost entirely, I would say. A dissociation from my body, like wearing a shoe two sizes too large, feeling like you're actually wearing something on top of yourself and can feel it moving around but don't feel integrated with it. It's a very odd feeling. Although that's normally only a mild sensation for me. When it's bad, is usually after I wake up or as I'm about to sleep. When the barrier between conscious and subconscious are thinnest, the hypnogogic and hypnopompic phases of sleep. Then I feel phantom limb sensations, insomuch as I feel like I actually have a different bodyshape, with anatomy that's where it should be. I guess it's my sense of self bleeding though. And sometimes being jolted back into the physical is very, VERY jarring, disconcerting and mentally traumatic. Moreso if I've woken from a dream and for a few moments am slightly confused about what I'm seeing, or feeling, before the crushing realisation dawns.

My dysphoria has gone thru major episodes in my life. When I was young I would argue with my parents about how much I wanted to be a girl until I learned that was unacceptable in my father's house. Later, after the army, when I was 22-23 I decided to transition. I knew who I was and that was that. And again when I was 32, and now again at 44... ugh! My body when I close my eyes actually feels different than when I open my eyes. I can sense my missing breasts, hips and oddly enough ghost ovaries... I have sympathy periods in sync with my spouse... lol if she only knew why I'm soo moody at the same times she is... Watching my ex and current spouse when they were pregnant was the worst. I felt cheated out of an experience that was supposed to be my ultimate triumph in life.

So I guess for me its regret at lost experiences and severe anxiety everytime I see a woman who looks like I do in my head...

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 27, 2014, 02:33:05 PM
I often think about what i'd be like if I were born a genetic girl.  But the more I try to imagine the more impossible it becomes. I like a lot of aspects about myself.  I just don't like how I look and my current social role. I do wish I could change my sex from birth though and i've definitely shook my fist shouting at nature inside a lot of times.

I often wonder that too. But the thing I wonder is if I would be the same me inside just with a different body. What exaclty would I be doning if I had been born genetically female? I know from the other side, our brothers in this equation, may feel different but I believe that I would have been able to handle life matters a lot better being female.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 27, 2014, 03:02:38 PM
For me it's mostly a physical sensation. Almost entirely, I would say. A dissociation from my body, like wearing a shoe two sizes too large, feeling like you're actually wearing something on top of yourself and can feel it moving around but don't feel integrated with it. It's a very odd feeling. Although that's normally only a mild sensation for me. When it's bad, is usually after I wake up or as I'm about to sleep. When the barrier between conscious and subconscious are thinnest, the hypnogogic and hypnopompic phases of sleep. Then I feel phantom limb sensations, insomuch as I feel like I actually have a different bodyshape, with anatomy that's where it should be. I guess it's my sense of self bleeding though. And sometimes being jolted back into the physical is very, VERY jarring, disconcerting and mentally traumatic. Moreso if I've woken from a dream and for a few moments am slightly confused about what I'm seeing, or feeling, before the crushing realisation dawns.

Worded like that Sephira, I guess I do have that same feeling of being dressed not quite right. So I probably do experience a mild physical dysphoria.

About the dreams and the crushing feeling of reality after waking, Oh yeah. I know.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 27, 2014, 03:02:38 PM
For me it's mostly a physical sensation. Almost entirely, I would say. A dissociation from my body, like wearing a shoe two sizes too large, feeling like you're actually wearing something on top of yourself and can feel it moving around but don't feel integrated with it. It's a very odd feeling. Although that's normally only a mild sensation for me. When it's bad, is usually after I wake up or as I'm about to sleep. When the barrier between conscious and subconscious are thinnest, the hypnogogic and hypnopompic phases of sleep. Then I feel phantom limb sensations, insomuch as I feel like I actually have a different bodyshape, with anatomy that's where it should be. I guess it's my sense of self bleeding though. And sometimes being jolted back into the physical is very, VERY jarring, disconcerting and mentally traumatic. Moreso if I've woken from a dream and for a few moments am slightly confused about what I'm seeing, or feeling, before the crushing realisation dawns.

Almost exactly how it happens for me. That half awake state is both awesome and awful. the really bad part is when you suddenly realize, it isn't real. Someone messed it up. I used to think I'd get thrown in an asylum or something if I told anyone.

I'd feel so alien to what my  body actually looked like. I think that is the thing with mirrors.

For a long time I used to wonder why people couldn't see me and who was this person they were talking to and about. It wasn't me but it was. Hard to explain really, but what you wrote comes as close to it as I have ever seen written.

N/a

Right now it is actually the say I am feeling. A real bitch. It hurts. It is painful in a way that isn't a physical pain, but a deep, deep emotional pain that is way more painful than anything physical.

It varies for me. but typically it starts as my mind is in one place and my body is seemingly not there then I notice whats wrong and I just lose touch with reality for a bit.

Mine's usually rage infested. I can feel the man inside of me raging against everything that it sees, feels, all of it. Every time I get depressed the man in me just gets pissed off at myself for letting my emotions run so wild. It's a constant battle between who i really am and this thing that I drag around day to day that doesnt resemble or feel like me. When I have a full fit It's not unlikely for me to beat myself up physically as well as mentally. I'd bashed myself into things, ripped at my skin after flipping out on a binder. I've wanted to stab myself in the groin so i had a real reason to bleed. I get a bit psychotic because I'm completely detached. It's like I'm watching some kind of psychological horror movie and I'm the victim of a sick possession.

The sad part is i wish these fits weren't common. I wish these fits could be controlled better.

I get body displacement a lot too, or did. If I look at myself in the mirror for too long I start to question who the hell I'm looking at. That's started to fade though ever since I started going full time male. When i used to pretend though... I was two separate people. The real me and this weird fake bimbo that i saw in the mirror. Now it's mostly just rage fits that can occasionally come with suicidal tendencies. Thank god I have enough self control not to do anything stupid. It's weird. Whenever I used to voice chat while I used my deepened voice more it was sounding completely authentic. So I'd have these long calls with my one friend then go to the bathroom and suddenly realize I need to sit to take a piss (thank god not anymore) or I'd look in the mirror and go "I don't sound or act in a way that would go with what I'm looking at."

for me it started as a sort of jealousy towards women. i would see them at the shops and in the streets and feel sad, upset and envious that they were born that way and i was not.

the more i supressed those feelings the more they struggled to pop up (like trying to hold a volley ball under water).

these days its grown to the point where i often cry myself to sleep for feeling lost and disassociated with my body.
as well as raging against family and friends for no reason what so ever. just being moody and angry.

Quote from: StirfriedKraut on June 01, 2014, 12:15:15 AM
I get body displacement a lot too, or did. If I look at myself in the mirror for too long I start to question who the hell I'm looking at. That's started to fade though ever since I started going full time male. When i used to pretend though... I was two separate people.

Man, I can relate to that. The displacement thing happened to me a lot when I was younger, but I never connected it to dysphoria until recently. This thread has opened my eyes in that department.

For me, the disconnection between brain and body tends to come as a complete surprise at the worst time. I'll catch a glimpse in the mirror and literally jolt from the shock of expecting to see someone else there. When I look at photographs of me trying to "make the best of it" by dressing up, it genuinely takes me a minute to recognize that person as fake me. I don't think there's anything wrong with the way she looks either, she just isn't me and never has been. It's like looking at a stranger I have absolutely no feelings toward either way.

So there's that sort of contemplative dysphoria, and then there's the dysphoria that happens when I'm interacting with other people and forced to keep up the charade of the person they think they're talking to, when the truth is we're barely more than strangers. It's just this gross, gnarly, vulnerable feeling, and it's never triggered by what I expect, always some minute stupid thing. I would compare it to the lowest bipolar low I ever experienced before getting treated, and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I mostly feel bad when I'm rejected (or expect to be) by potential partners specifically because my anatomy isn't what is expected or desired. I assume that as I get older, this problem will fade and will be replaced by fears about healthcare and what will happen when I'm 80 or whatever and end up in an old folks' home.

I also feel wrong when I notice a cisguy without a shirt or when I hear people discuss erections or needing a cup for sports or anything else that is an obvious reminder of what I'm lacking. My experience of dysphoria is at times a desperate sense of unfairness, and other times more of a dissociative experience, like watching something weird happen and being sure only that it's not real, can't be real.

Quote from: Felix on June 03, 2014, 03:44:17 AM
I also feel wrong when I notice a cisguy without a shirt or when I hear people discuss erections or needing a cup for sports or anything else that is an obvious reminder of what I'm lacking. My experience of dysphoria is at times a desperate sense of unfairness, and other times more of a dissociative experience, like watching something weird happen and being sure only that it's not real, can't be real.

I never really understood why guys can go shirtless and girls can't. I mean it's basically the same body part just usually on guys they are smaller. On me not so much so but If I wanted to I could still get away with being shirtless, I would just have to explain why. But I never go shirtless though just because. Unless it's in my own backyard laying out in the sun. BTW we all get turned on by someone but it is a really embarrasing moment and that is one thing that I definately would not miss. I won't even go into how embarrasing it can be when you have to do a physical when you are bi and think the doctor is goodlooking and have to do the freakin' hernia check :embarrassed:.

Yeah it sux because it feels so unfair.

When we see a bruise or a cut on our bodies, there's usually a sense of alarm i.e. 'that's not supposed to be there', even when there isn't necessarily any purely physical pain related to it.

That's how my body's sex strikes me.

I don't know if this is the same for anyone else, but I experience it in a similar way as my brain being certain I am a male, and therefore sees something wrong with my biological body and assumes I'm ill. So, it gives a strange kind of 'feeling sick without being physically sick' kind of thing. Like it doesn't know what to do with itself, it sees the chest and lack of penis and thinks something isn't right, so assumes I'm sick. It is very uncomfortable, and upsetting, and can make me feel physically sickly.

I think that's the only way I can describe it.


~Elliott

For me it feels like something's missing.  I feel like I'm supposed to have all of these things that I don't and it bugs the heck out of me.

For me it is three items.
1. Shark week - No guy has uncontrolled bleeding for several days every month and cramps too; I use tampons and they help me not see or feel it once the cramps are done. 
2. My chest mounds - They are there all the time, my binder does help them not to show as much, but they are still there.  Now in the summer I am hot and sweat all the time with it on.
3. My lower parts - Every time I have to pee I am reminded of not having a penis.  I am still trying to master a STP so I can pee at an urinal.

Hopefully in few years I will be on t and can afford the surgery to help all these.

My voice is a good way to make me feel dysphoric ..as if I am some sort of freak of nature. I am just so afraid of ending up sounding like an effiminate/gay male with a women's body. I need to consult a logopedian in the next few months because I barely dare to speak in public without shame

My bodily dysphoria has been getting better since I started HRT, I can see visible/feel changes and I enjoy touching myself again

I have won a battle, but not the war

I still wish I could get more sizable erections, but it's true that I would probably not enjoy them at the doctor's office. There are so many hot doctors out there.

YinYanga I want to thank you endlessly for the word "logopedian." It sounds so cool compared to "speech therapist" and I'm glad it's out there. ;D

I get similar feelings. Especially the "it's not fair" one. Get that a lot. How do I cope with it though? Friends. Coming online and talking to people like this one who understand. It helps me a lot, and helps me to really get passed the long hard wait when I can get to that day where it will no longer be unfair.

Quote from: Felix on July 24, 2014, 11:26:38 PM
I still wish I could get more sizable erections, but it's true that I would probably not enjoy them at the doctor's office. There are so many hot doctors out there.

YinYanga I want to thank you endlessly for the word "logopedian." It sounds so cool compared to "speech therapist" and I'm glad it's out there. ;D

Always love to help you Felix. Too bad I am not a hot male doctor  ;)

Ergh... I get really, really, REALLY jealous of cis men and really far along in transition trans men. I start picking apart my appearance and mannerisms, trying to find exactly everything that's wrong with me, decide that it's unfixable, and then want to kill my body (more specifically, I get these really strange fantasies about being someone else and being able to kill and destroy my body without actually dying). Dysphoria is so much fun

I experience dysphoria when my monthly gift comes in, I hear female pronouns and when I have to go out in public looking like a tomboy because that's as far as I can go for now since I'm not on HRT yet. Getting on T sometime in October should help out a bit.

When I'm shunned and ignored. I went to a wedding last weekend and no one talked to me. I stood alone for an hour during the  reception. I feel so inadequate.
When I see pics of myself. I feel good being me but then so disappointed to see what I look like.
When people walk up to my wife and say how sorry they are for her and tell me how lucky I am she stayed with me.
Etc etc etc

Quote from: StevieAK on July 25, 2014, 11:00:34 PM
When people walk up to my wife and say how sorry they are for her and tell me how lucky I am she stayed with me.

This is deeply wrong and insulting to both of you, and I'm sorry it's happening. I know some people don't know how else to conceptualize it, but they could at least stick to basic essentials of politeness.

Thank you all for continuing to share your struggles and perspectives.  I am deeply honored that you all have responded with such honestly and never thought a thread I started would ever get this much attention.  I wish I could take everyone's pain, confusion, rejection and everything else away. Heck even if I could sacrifice myself someway to ensure the happiness of every trans person both alive today and every one in the future I would. I so strongly dislike seeing discrimination and ignorance and lack of understanding that I might even say I hate it and I try not to hate anything. There are a couple ways I know I can help. The first being continuing to help as many people as possible on here (whoever will listen), another is get into some higher position where I can have an effect on more people to help alleviate ignorance on the subject.  A third way would be to get really smart and find a way to change people's physicalities to  whatever they wanted.

I could do all three which is probably what I will do. Also I have no reason why I decided to go on this,  what is probably seen as strange, rambling.  I guess the feelings of gratitude were too high or something.

Anyway,  if anyone on here would like to share their story with me feel free to PM me. I will do whatever it takes to help in any way I can.

Be well, all of you

And with deepest love,

Samantha

Making change is slow and you probably accomplish a lot just in the way you live your life and how you talk. "Get[ting] really smart" and finding physical transition solutions would be super awesome too, though. ;D

LC

You are an extremely generous and beautiful person.  I hope that you do find a way to fulfil your dreams

Safe travels

Aisla

Mine started out so subtly that i never really knew it was there until i was a teen. Then it took off! Whenever I was alone i would get severe depression and stomach aches. I could almost never look into a mirror and look at the male me for long. Finally it got to the point i couldn't sleep without a sleep aid and I was driving myself crazy untill I told mom and a gender health counsiler and they helped me get started! :)

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on July 26, 2014, 07:10:12 AM
Thank you all for continuing to share your struggles and perspectives.  I am deeply honored that you all have responded with such honestly and never thought a thread I started would ever get this much attention.  I wish I could take everyone's pain, confusion, rejection and everything else away. Heck even if I could sacrifice myself someway to ensure the happiness of every trans person both alive today and every one in the future I would. I so strongly dislike seeing discrimination and ignorance and lack of understanding that I might even say I hate it and I try not to hate anything. There are a couple ways I know I can help. The first being continuing to help as many people as possible on here (whoever will listen), another is get into some higher position where I can have an effect on more people to help alleviate ignorance on the subject.  A third way would be to get really smart and find a way to change people's physicalities to  whatever they wanted.

I could do all three which is probably what I will do. Also I have no reason why I decided to go on this,  what is probably seen as strange, rambling.  I guess the feelings of gratitude were too high or something.

Anyway,  if anyone on here would like to share their story with me feel free to PM me. I will do whatever it takes to help in any way I can.

Be well, all of you

And with deepest love,

Samantha

I'm glad your here Samantha. The world could use more people like you.

Safe travels
Allie :icon_flower:

It's both social and internal.

I'm both angry and depressed that my body isn't what it should be. I hate my chest, my hips, my voice when it goes up high, my genitals and reproductive system, etc. I tried to accept what I have in my pants, but since T, that's gone out of the window and I feel disconnected from those parts again (except for my penis but I'm still mad that it's not a cis male penis). I have started considering bottom surgery and thinking that I could be happy with that if it turned out well, even a phalloplasty. This is somewhat surprising to me since I was set against it for awhile. I'm feeling more and more that I want all those female organs out of me. They're useless to me, anyway, since I never want to get pregnant (how horrifying!) or go off T. There's also the insecurity over it because of what I'm not able to offer to any potential sexual partners. I want to be the top, but using a strap-on seems like a cheap trade-off since I can't feel it. So I am starting to consider phalloplasty more...

Socially, I hate getting called female pronouns and being reminded in any way that I have a female body. It makes me angry. I try not to get mad at people because of it. I hide how I feel about it, but it hurts. Thankfully this will be stopping because of T! A stranger on the bus called me he yesterday and I know it's a little thing but I was so happy because of it.

So, basically, I experience dysphoria as anger, depression, disconnect, self-hatred and insecurity.

Quote from: Saint Frankenstein on August 02, 2014, 05:26:11 PM
So, basically, I experience dysphoria as anger, depression, disconnect, self-hatred and insecurity.

I have similar problems with my body to what you mentioned, but your distillation of the resulting feelings states the issue really well.