Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I told my folks about my intention to transition about three days before I went full time. At the time they said they were accepting and supportive. My mother has, despite some initial reservations, been really great at living up to this. My father has been struggling. I did invite them both to meet me as Grace but only my mother took me up on the offer. Probably for the best, the two of us had some great mother daughter time together. So yeah, my dad. I've been told he "can't see the point" in what I'm doing and didn't want to meet me as Grace. I understand he's dealing with it in his own way and at least he's still actually willing to talk to me. I've been expected to arrange our meeting though, and to be honest it hasn't been something I was looking forward to (the arranging part as much as the meeting part). At first I was just going to send him an email that said, pretty much, "when and where?" Anyway, I ended up putting down a bit more than that. If you'll excuse my indulgence I'd like to share it with you... :)

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Hi Dad
Mum said you'd like to talk with me about the changes that I am going through, and that you would prefer to meet me as S#. Personally, I find that disappointing but I also appreciate this is a major issue for me and for you, so I am willing to meet up in "guy mode".

The last six weeks have been going very well. People at work have been treating me wonderfully and with a lot of respect. The same with people who I've had to deal with through my job - in the first week we even had a major event with at least 100 guests and anyone who knew was nothing but complimentary. I haven't yet had any problem or weirdness from any single person when I've been out in public - trains, buses, cafes, restaurants, bars, shops, cinemas, etc, etc - no issues. Hopefully that continues and I mention it only to give you a sense that I do actually present passably as a woman.

I imagine though that how well I might "pass" is probably not your central concern; that it's more along the lines of why I would even want to pursue this drastic and seemingly incomprehensible course in my life. What is the point to it? Why and how could taking estrogen and anti-testosterone medication, having my beard painfully removed, living, dressing and being treated as a woman make things better for me, make me feel better about my life and myself? All I can say is that I don't really understand myself - but it does. It absolutely does. As I told you and mum in April, I was close to the end of my line at the start of last year, while I wasn't quite ready to do myself in I was certainly hoping a random runaway bus would do the honours. My gender issues have been with me my entire life. Having to be a boy, be a man - act as one, do what was expected of one, live up to those expectations - has never been something I've been comfortable with, has frequently left me miserable, isolated and afraid. Regardless of the physical body I was born with and the social expectations that are placed on top of that I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. However, my decision to transition my gender to female has not been taken lightly.

You may remember I said I had tried to do this back in 1989-91 and that the attempt came very close to reality; it didn't for a number of complex reasons. One of those was an abject terror at how my family would respond. I love you and mum, J#, D# and N# -  and the fear of anger and/or rejection was too much for me to cope with on top of everything else. My family was, and remains, important to me. So I was the good child, the selfless "son" and put aside what I wanted more than anything else in the world, all so that I wouldn't upset anyone - and I just buckled under. I tried plenty of things to help dissuade me from the notion of being the wrong gender, buried myself in sometimes pointless projects and my work and other pursuits - sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. As you would know I've never had much luck with relationships, I don't consider that to be the cause of my gender issues, but rather has been caused by it. I've always been able to form wonderful friendships with women, just not close sexual ones - and it's not from want of trying, somehow they always work out I'm not the "guy" for them, and that's because I'm not a guy at all and I can't pretend to be either. And it's not because I'm gay, I have no sexual interest in men. So, despite 20 plus years of denying I had a gender issue I ultimately ended up in exactly the same place as I had been as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult - and it was not a happy place. I knew what needed to be done - but my fear, hopelessness and denial had kept me from reconsidering it it as a possibility - that is, change my gender presentation.

My decision, my choice, has been taken only after a lot of soul searching and dealing with mental health professionals. I knew the risks - socially, financially, physically, to family and other relationships - but my pain and discomfort in living my life as a man was so strong I could not and would not suffer it any longer. Something had to be done and I've known the only practical solution for over 25 years, I just haven't had the courage to take that course of action. Until now. And my god, what a difference it has made to my quality of life. I finally feel comfortable with myself for the first time ever, and feel comfortable in relating and working with other people. I actually feel happy, not pretend happy. Other people have noticed it too - that I'm happier, more open, more personable. I am finally learning how to interact with and express a core part of myself, a part that I have had to keep under wraps for most of my life. And it is a seriously wonderful experience! Imagine being stuck in a dark bog for 48 years before slogging your way out into a sunny field; that's what my transition feels like. And no, this is not a "grass is greener on the other side" metaphor - being a woman is often not great, even for women. There is harassment, lower wages, discrimination and the threat of violence. That's just for genetic women, it is potentially worse for trans women like myself. I've been aware of that for a long, long time, it is not some new revelation and yet I knew I still needed to make this change in my life.

I understand if you can't comprehend the rationale or logic behind this. All I can say is that, regardless of how I was born, at my heart I know myself to be female and that pretending to be anything other than that was killing me. That is why I have changed my name to Grace, why I am asking people to refer to me by that name and use "she/her" not "he/him/his". That is why I have chosen to take medication to change my physical body to more closely resemble a female body. That is why I have chosen to live openly as a woman, which includes dressing in women's clothing. It is not part of some weird sexual fetish, it is not cross-dressing, it is not kinky pretend play acting - it is, simply, about living my life as the person I have always felt myself to be. Nothing more, nothing less.

Sorry, I didn't mean to dump all of that into this email but once I started it kind of got away from me.

So yes, that said, I am fine to meet you, this once as S#, not as Grace. I am happy and prepared to hear your feelings and thoughts. Maybe you are disappointed in me, angry at me, hurt by my actions - I am sorry if you feel that way, but I needed to do this for myself. And yes, it was selfish, but it was fundamentally about my survival and my own happiness.

I would love to catch up. I'm on vacation for another week and a half - I can meet you Friday this week or Tuesday, Thursday, Friday next week. When and where? Let me know what suits and we can work it out.

Love
Grace

I am so impressed Grace! Thoughtful, respectful and just right.  :)

It's the story of all our lives.  Grace, I hope your dad sees the love for your family in this, the pain you felt growing up, and will be able to see that pain is gone now(tho you'll be S# and not Grace).  I lost my dad a little over a year ago, but I think, I would have written something like this to him.  I have pretty much lost my mom and sister to my transition(tho I am reverting for my family now), so, maybe, I will gain them back, I'm not sure.  It is good that you have your mom supporting you, I wish the best for when you meet your dad, and that he will, in the words of Katy Perry, love Unconditionally.

Paula

That's a great email. It's really clear, honest and understandable. I really hope he responds well.

Well written!  I hope he gets it after reading it, but some blokes just need to be hit by a figurative bus to get it.

Grace

Your respect for your father and for yourself shine through. I hope and expect that your meeting will be positive.  My father is the person who will find it hardest to understand me when I open up to him in a similar way.  It is hard for a parent to adjust their view of you when they suddenly find it to be at odds with your reality.  It may take a little time but parental love is rarely denied.

Best wishes

Aisla

Grace,

That is a beautifully written letter.  I really hope your Dad takes it the right way and you have a good meeting.

Here's pulling for you!  Hugs!


Erin

@Grace Love, love, LOVE it! I'm about to send something similar to this to my own dad, and reading your wonderful letter is really encouraging. Thank you for sharing!

Beautifully articulate! I hope he's receptive to the message; dads can be pretty hard-headed sometimes  :(

Grace,

You are a woman of great empathy, compassion and substance. You will make a remarkable place in this world for yourself and others who choose to follow your example.

Love
Catherine

I couldn't have said it better.  Nice job, and I hope he comes around.

I think my dad was finally somewhat accepting when he saw me actually happy for the first time.  I'm sure he feels like a real a*hole now for treating me like crap my whole life now that he knows why I was the way I was and not more like my brother whom he adores. 

Thanks everyone! :D
I'll let you know of any developments...positive or otherwise.
He's not the world's most communicative individual and we have never been all that close. He can be hard to engage in conversation, which of course has meant I've usually left him to his own devices. But he means well and despite a limited emotional range is a good person.

I'm so impressed with your letter Grace. It's thoughtful, respectful, captures all the issues, respectful of both your dad as well as yourself.  And well written.

I too hope it all goes well. You have my respect and admiration. 

Beautiful letter Grace; Your Dad probably can't understand that he never had a son, he had a daughter that he never knew.

That you are willing to meet him a S is remarkable, I could never do that.

I doubt anyone but a trans woman can realise the depth of courage that takes.

My love to you and your Dad.

Cindy

Bravo.. that was incredibly written. Thank you for sharing it with us all. Best of luck with the meeting.

Hi Grace,

What a very special thing to share with us.  Thank you. 

I hope you and your Dad can get past this and get closer (although that may still not be all that close!)

I read your letter with mixed feelings.  Firstly, I thought how much I would have liked to be able to send such a letter to my parents - they lived in NZ.  Sadly, I now don't have that opportunity.  That said, I do not think I would have been able to approach this issue with nearly has much love and compassion as you have to either of my parents.  Would have been scared witless as they would both have reacted negatively but would love to have tried. 

I really hope your Dad is receptive and I am super impressed that you are trying and not giving it away.

Hi Grace! Thanks for sharing! I read your incredible email this morning, and you have been in my mind all day. I think the letter is an inspiration to anyone...
Hope your frank and honest words strike a chord with your dad.
You meeting your dad as S is something I believe would take great courage, commitment and unconditional love. Something I believe so many wished they had more of in their journeys.

I wholeheartedly agree with every person above: you write beautifully, Grace, and if one of my children wrote something like that to me, I'd be a very proud parent indeed.

I hope it all goes well.

Thank you so much everyone!

Still no reply...maybe he is lost for words? I hope I didn't end up filtered into his spam box. Or worse.  :-\

Will give him until Saturday afternoon before I go to Plan B. Not quite sure what Plan B actually is yet!

Doesn't the waiting make you crazy?

Does he do text? Plan B could be as simple as texting him and letting him know you sent an email?

Grace,

That was such an incredibly well written letter! I thought it was very thoughtful and considerate of his feelings/position whilst still maintaining your own. If he's dawdling his feet in replying I'm sure it's because the situation is difficult for him to understand and he's torn over how to respond and react. In his reality you were his son, and judging by your thoughtful and loving nature he's been very proud of you. That reality has been partially stripped away now. He knows he still loves you but now he must change his perception of how he sees you, he may even need to shift his perspective on how he's seen many things in life. Adjusting to this isn't easy for most people.

For us, we've usually known for a long time what wasn't right about the role we were playing. Not only that, we were in constant pain for years or even decades. Embracing transition is often a sprint for many of us because it offers relief and peace from the tortuous lives we've been living. But our family, they may not have seen the signs at all, and they certainly didn't feel our pain. All they know is suddenly there's this huge change that they need to adjust to. Most people tend to fight change unless there's some catalyst urging them forward. And in this situation they may fear that change and try to fight against it. They may plead or argue with us to come back to where they feel safe, where certain aspects of their lives could always be relied on for being constant and unchanging.

All I can say is be patient with him. Sometimes all you can hope for is baby steps. If he loves you then that will be all the motivation he needs to eventually come around. I gotta say he'll certainly be missing out until he does. You are such a courageous, loving, and beautiful woman! Who wouldn't want a daughter like you in their life? Hang in there girlfriend! I know how emotional it can get with family and acceptance. *hugs*  :icon_hug:


Wishing you the best!

Alaia

Plan B: Go as Grace, take him to the pub and shout him a beer!

ha, that will probably be Plan D! (D for Drunk Dad)...

Plan B is giving him the benefit of a doubt. When I speak to my mother on the phone, probably Saturday some time, I'll mention it and ask her to tell him I sent him an email (Christopher, he's not much of a texter). If I haven't heard anything by Monday it'll be Plan C...call him directly, if he doesn't want to take it forward then that's on him - disappointing, but I'd rather him say it than this get dragged out through awkward silence and avoidance. There's been too much of that in my family over the years.

Quote from: Alaia on May 15, 2014, 09:16:35 PM
All I can say is be patient with him. Sometimes all you can hope for is baby steps. If he loves you then that will be all the motivation he needs to eventually come around. I gotta say he'll certainly be missing out until he does. You are such a courageous, loving, and beautiful woman! Who wouldn't want a daughter like you in their life? Hang in there girlfriend! I know how emotional it can get with family and acceptance. *hugs*  :icon_hug:

Thanks Alaia, I will be patient with him.

Wheee! Family!! :eusa_wall:

Having resorted to Plan B - asking my mother to relay that I'd sent an email and ask that if he hasn't received it to email me - I now have received an email from dad saying he hasn't received it. I'm a bit dubious but will take him at his word. So it's back to Plan A!

I think you are very brave Grace. I also admire your patience. The last time my father said anything about my transition it was "It's his life", he was speaking to my sister about me. I tried to contact him recently but was told that for me to make any contact with him I had to pass messages through my step mother. Unfortunately my step mother and I dont actually get along so at the moment I have no contact at all with my father. Its sad but im not in high school anymore and he knows that I have tried to contact him and now he can take the time out and contact me.

Famies can't live with them would not of exsited without them.

Give him time Grace. Even thought we know we've made the right decision it can still be a shock for those around us. Keep on persisting and one day (hopefully soon) you should get a response.  Once he sees how much happier you are as Grace I'm sure he'll come around and accept you for the daughter you have always been.

Cindy's plan looks like a good idea. After all isn't the bonding session part of the great "Aussie Tradition"

so did dad finally respond to your email?

I sent it again. Nothing. I resent it again, but this time via my work email. Did get a response, of sorts.

Addressed me by my male name. Claimed that having seen an email from "Grace" wanting to catch up, thought it was a scam so deleted it. Has now received my email and will respond to it. That was three days ago now, still nothing.  :-\

Long term project, I think.

Grace, I admire you on many levels. You are an amazingly strong woman.

I received a scholarship upon applying to college, based upon my winning a writing competition.  I write a lot and I'm fairly certain that I have real talent, but I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever written anything as heartfelt as that letter.  That was a nice read.  It was wonderfully well written, sincere, and to the point.  I really, really hope he responds and things go well between the two of you.

Here's his response, received after a prompt. Disappointing but not unexpected. Will have to reevaluate how to deal with this as he has clearly changed his tune since I spoke to him and my mother about this in the first instance, again not unexpected.

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S#, (yes,he's still addressing me by my male name)

I have thought long and hard about your message.

Other than to state that email was not an appropriate method of communication in this instance (but so be it) I am lost for words.

You have made your decision - something I am unable to get my simple mind around. This covers matters such as  "what you aim to achieve" and "how will then achieve same", by generally changing your physical appearance from male to female - something which can, I believe, can never be fully achieved.

Because of this I see little value in an eyeball to eyeball discussion on the subject.

To me, and I am so sorry, you will remain my son S# until the day I die - irrespective of your appearance.

Got to go, because I am having trouble reading the screen!

Dad 

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That last line sounds pretty close to an admission of tears, which would be a remarkable admission. Anyway, I'll just let that settle for now. Clearly requires a rethink, or you know, something. Sounds like Cindy's plan is a goer.

Grace, I am sorry it did not work out yet. I have a feeling your Dad is in shock and not able to welcome you until he lets his son go.

Pub and a bonding session,  if you both like rugby league your just in time for state of origin (go qld. Sorry)

While the insistence of calling you by your former name (twice) and the phrase "something which can, I believe, can never fully be achieved". Tends to lean towards the negative
The line "got to go, because I am having trouble reading the screen!" could be an admission of tears so hopefully that would mean acceptance is not far behind.

Hopefully with time he will come to accept you as the daughter you always where.  Good luck and do not give up

I'm impressed that he responded pretty quickly. My father, too, replied quite soon, and he said he was a bit shocked. Later, he took it back because he didn't want to leave me with a negative impression. But after six months, he is still wrapping his mind around my transition. It could take years.

Perhaps it is more difficult for both our fathers because it came out of the blue and was pretty much a done deal, a decision we made without their knowledge or input.

I don't want to hijack your thread by comparing and contrasting, but I just wanted to say that the whole affair has been a mixed bag for me, and your situation seems to be fairly similar. That is, your father's note has some positive aspects. He hasn't rejected you as his child, and he does actually apologize for his own limitations.

There is hope yet.

Grace

That response must be pretty disappointing :(

It's easy to say looking in from the outside, but there are positives I suppose.  He replied for one, and the reply isn't angry or disparaging.  Give him time to see how everyone else around you is responding and there is hope that he may come around in the future.

Grace, sorry to hear that things with your dad are continuing difficult.
In my opinion, his response is still very respectful of your position, even that he disagrees. I feel this is a potential olive branch, and is a wonderful start. Find comfort in that if you can.
Furthermore you can still agree to disagree (to a point) which will hopefully allow you to have an ongoing relationship. It might allow him more time to see how happy you are and for him to warm to the fact that his vision of you is not reality. If he had left the scene, his opinions or view are very likely to remain static or progress further away. If you can remain 'close' in a so eloquent manner as your letter, without overpowering him, time and love might be all that's required. And hope.
As for passing as cis, you are drop dead gorgeous as your recent photos have proved, and I suppose you know 110% passing is not the only thing! It's your smile!

The good news is that it's not outright rejection, even though it's a disappointing reply.

Maybe you could consider the mum approach - keep close communication with your mother and let her wear him down.  It'll get to the point of ridiculous after a while.  He's still communicative and that's a good base.

I keep thinking it's harder for a dad to let go of the son than it is for mum.

Bah, that's a disappointing response. Hopefully in time he can change. I know that doesn't help much with right now.

Sorry Grace, that is so disappointing.  He didn't think communicating by email was appropriate but doesn't want to talk face-to-face.  That doesn't seem to leave you with too many options to communicate and show him how happy you are.

You may now need to consider what happens at family events etc.  His approach makes every one of those something to be managed so it isn't going to be something that just dies down to be just "you" rather than "about you".  That is sad too.

While I would love to see my Dad again (died many years ago), I think his response would have been even more negative.  Sort of something I am glad about while still thinking of him a lot.

Thanks everyone. This will be a difficult process, no doubt about it. For me the hardest thing was telling him, how he processes that is largely up to him but I also hope to play a positive part in facilitating developments.

I think we may engage in a few email exchanges before anything else develops. Regardless of his reservations about email as a medium for discussion it is the most we've communicated in ages. If I hadn't written what I put in the original email then our first meeting would have been a less clearly worded, significantly more emotional version of that... he's not an emotional person and doesn't handle people getting emotional so it was good to avoid that. Also, communicating by email achieved exactly what I was aiming for, it allowed the words to sink in and gave him an opportunity to think about it before replying. It may not seem like it but that is the most emotional he's ever been with me, don't think he ever even referred to me as his "son" between us before this.

So yeah, not quite the best case scenario outcome but not the worst either.

I might let it lie for a few days before I decide how to respond.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 25, 2014, 12:56:35 AMI might let it lie for a few days before I decide how to respond.

I would. Gives you time to mull things over, get a little perspective.

In as much as I can tell from the photographs I have seen of you and the posts you make you are doing a pretty good job on the whole "changing your physical appearance" objective. Maybe he will believe it when he sees it.

Quote from: Seras on May 25, 2014, 06:35:19 PM

In as much as I can tell from the photographs I have seen of you and the posts you make you are doing a pretty good job on the whole "changing your physical appearance" objective. Maybe he will believe it when he sees it.

I second that.  I think you look great; you have a very feminine face, pretty as well...