Susan's Place Transgender Resources

The other night I was with a girlfriend and she was having trouble, and she asked me to look after the house, She refers to me by my feminine name even when I'm in my male mode, now when she put me in charge of her house did she see me as a man or as a woman? My mom continuously tells me that even with the makeup and the woman's clothes, to her I am just a man dressed as a woman. She doesn't understand what is in my mind and how my mind is telling me that I am a woman.

Gina:

I hardly think you are making a fool of yourself.

The fact that your girlfriend refers to you by your preferred name and gender says that she sees you as a woman, regardless of what clothes you hang on your body.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears to refuse to see the obvious.  That she has a beautiful daughter in her life.

As they say, it's what's between your ears and not what's between your legs.

-Sandy

Friends and parents are totally two different comparisons. Friends, if they are true friends will for lack of a better word, honor your preferences. Parents on the other hand, they have known you all your life as one gender and switching to the other is just a sort of denial and that image of you she has when you were born, when she was raising you and so on. Doesn't mean she won't eventually come around, doesn't mean that she does not respect you and definately doesn't mean she does not love you. I tend to cut parents a lot of slack in that for so long they knew you as one gender and now that you changed it may take the old image of you sometime for her to change it.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 15, 2014, 10:54:47 AM
Friends and parents are totally two different comparisons. Friends, if they are true friends will for lack of a better word, honor your preferences. Parents on the other hand, they have known you all your life as one gender and switching to the other is just a sort of denial and that image of you she has when you were born, when she was raising you and so on. Doesn't mean she won't eventually come around, doesn't mean that she does not respect you and definately doesn't mean she does not love you. I tend to cut parents a lot of slack in that for so long they knew you as one gender and now that you changed it may take the old image of you sometime for her to change it.

Yes in a lot of ways its more difficult for parents then freinds. freinds get to know you as a person regardless of gender, to quote  my freinds "no matter what you wear or what we call you, are still the person we have always know."

But for parents its not just the time they known us, its all the things we could of been, things they though we might, things they hoped we would be. Its not just the time they have spent with us, but all those futures that arnt going to come. all those hopes and dreams that were born the moment they heard its a boy or its a girl. I think that in some way your mother has troubble letting go of those futures and still has them just the same but with different clothes.

no not a fool, just as you put....

Quote from: Gina Taylor on May 15, 2014, 09:32:59 AM
She doesn't understand what is in my mind and how my mind is telling me that I am a woman.

... misunderstood

Quote from: Sandy on May 15, 2014, 10:38:31 AM
Gina:

I hardly think you are making a fool of yourself.

The fact that your girlfriend refers to you by your preferred name and gender says that she sees you as a woman, regardless of what clothes you hang on your body.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears to refuse to see the obvious.  That she has a beautiful daughter in her life.

As they say, it's what's between your ears and not what's between your legs.

-Sandy

Y'know Sandy, that's exactly what I've been trying to tell her, but she's been so headstrong against me and is trying so hard to keep me form being my true self that she will eventually lose me and she'll never get to see the beautiful daughter that she could have spent time with in her last years of life.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 15, 2014, 10:54:47 AM
Friends and parents are totally two different comparisons. Friends, if they are true friends will for lack of a better word, honor your preferences. Parents on the other hand, they have known you all your life as one gender and switching to the other is just a sort of denial and that image of you she has when you were born, when she was raising you and so on. Doesn't mean she won't eventually come around, doesn't mean that she does not respect you and definately doesn't mean she does not love you. I tend to cut parents a lot of slack in that for so long they knew you as one gender and now that you changed it may take the old image of you sometime for her to change it.

I guess time is the key word here. But unfortunately my parents don't have much time left and I just want them to enjoy who I really am while they're still here instead of denying who I really am.  :(

Gina, I see nothing but a woman in your avatar pic. I also know for a FACT that family (whether parent or not) have a VERY hard time seeing us as any gender aside from the gender they thought we were. This is also true if you were born to where you did/do look like you can pass as a man/woman yet they only see you as what they thought you were and still tell you, you only look like a man to them, or for others a woman to them. It's called denial as well as not being able to see the truth because you originally thought something else to be the case. (In a way that's a "type" of denial but not quite)

As for your mom, look, I'm going to be blunt with you here. While it's true she may come around, there is a good chance she won't, especially if she's a religious person and this is what's causing her to fall back on her denial. My Dad, I have pleaded with, explained things, told him it wasn't his fault yet he refuses to hear and I mean actually HEAR a word I say and it goes out his other ear and instead he blames himself (His own fault, and I shan't worry about such a detail like that when it's his own fault for not listening) and also insists "Oh I'm convinced it's because of this or that" etc. etc. etc. I mean REALLY, as if the baby formula and food etc. we eat is going to REALLY make a person trans and even if it does, I don't believe for one second that's the case with me! So as a result he's done all he can to try and keep me from transitioning. Pretty much what I'm hearing you say your mom is doing to you, is what my Dad is doing to me. It's basically a way to make you feel bad and revert back so they can keep all this under a rock. Whether religion is involved or not I'm certain it's not just a matter of religion alone.

So, for me and my dad, seeing as he's moving away soon, I'm going to let him know when that time comes if he expects to have ANY kind of relationship with me besides business, then he'll refer to me by the proper pronouns, name and so on and he WILL see me with nail polish, a purse, feminine looking clothing etc. He won't run or ruin my life anymore and if he can't do this then he won't have a relationship with me his daughter as his son doesn't truly exist. Oh and incase you're wondering, yes he's a religious nut but I can tell he's using it as a shield/excuses so he doesn't have to face the truth. I may even mention that to him as well.

My point here is, DON'T let your mom tell you who and what you are/look like etc. because it SURE AS HELL isn't who and what you are/look like etc.! Don't let her use those underhanded tactics and try and scare you into submission. BE YOURSELF and be PROUD of who you are! And just remember, she may never except you for who you truly are but it is your choice if you continue to have a relationship with her if she really doesn't accept you for who you are. For me, I've made my choice, which is, either my Dad accepts me or good bye. Maybe that will change someday but only time will tell and I wish you and your family all the best.

Oh and no you aren't making a fool of yourself.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on May 15, 2014, 09:32:59 AM
The other night I was with a girl friend and she was having trouble, and she asked me to look after the house, She refers to me by my feminine name even when I'm in my male mode, now when she put me in charge of her house did she see me as a man or as a woman?

I think she saw you as a reliable, trustworthy friend who could do her a kind favour. Gender doesn't have to come into everything. But if she calls you by your female name it's pretty clear where she plants that flag.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on May 15, 2014, 09:32:59 AM
My mom continuously tells me that even with the makeup and the woman's clothes, to her I am just a man dressed as a woman. She doesn't understand what is in my mind and how my mind is telling me that I am a woman.

That's because your mum is in denial. And stubborn to boot. I gather you could look like Angelina Joelie and she'd still say that to you; so for your own peace of mind I'd recommend ignoring her obstinance, her efforts at sabotaging you and seeding doubt in your mind... and just get on with enjoying your life. :)

Quote from: Shana-chan on May 16, 2014, 12:23:14 AM
Gina, I see nothing but a woman in your avatar pic.   Thank you for those sweet words. I've always tried to present myself as a woman the best way I can. I also know for a FACT that family (whether parent or not) have a VERY hard time seeing us as any gender aside from the gender they thought we were. This is also true if you were born to where you did/do look like you can pass as a man/woman yet they only see you as what they thought you were and still tell you, you only look like a man to them, or for others a woman to them. It's called denial as well as not being able to see the truth because you originally thought something else to be the case. (In a way that's a "type" of denial but not quite) I truly believe that is the case. My family is in such deep denial that they'll never see the true me

As for your mom, look, I'm going to be blunt with you here. While it's true she may come around, there is a good chance she won't, especially if she's a religious person and this is what's causing her to fall back on her denial. My Dad, I have pleaded with, explained things, told him it wasn't his fault yet he refuses to hear and I mean actually HEAR a word I say and it goes out his other ear and instead he blames himself (His own fault, and I shan't worry about such a detail like that when it's his own fault for not listening) and also insists "Oh I'm convinced it's because of this or that" etc. etc. etc. I mean REALLY, as if the baby formula and food etc. we eat is going to REALLY make a person trans and even if it does, I don't believe for one second that's the case with me! I know exactly where you're coming from. It's gotten to the point where my mom won't read anything that I send her and I doubt she's really listening to anything that I tell her, so it's a no win situation with her, so I'll soon be going on my way without them. And it will be their loss. So as a result he's done all he can to try and keep me from transitioning. Pretty much what I'm hearing you say your mom is doing to you, is what my Dad is doing to me. It's basically a way to make you feel bad and revert back so they can keep all this under a rock. Whether religion is involved or not I'm certain it's not just a matter of religion alone. No, religion really hasn't been the problem, because once I found out that my church wouldn't accept me, I left and found my own church and they've accepted me as a woman there even though they know that I'm transgendered, they don't make a fuss about it, which I think is admirable.  

So, for me and my dad, seeing as he's moving away soon, I'm going to let him know when that time comes if he expects to have ANY kind of relationship with me besides business, then he'll refer to me by the proper pronouns, name and so on and he WILL see me with nail polish, a purse, feminine looking clothing etc. That's good. I'm proud of you for taking a stand against your dad! Kudo's to you girl! I've had to temporarily move back home because I got bitten by bedbugs and fleas from where I was living. In June I'll be moving in with one of my girlfriends! He won't run or ruin my life anymore and if he can't do this then he won't have a relationship with me his daughter as his son doesn't truly exist. Oh and incase you're wondering, yes he's a religious nut but I can tell he's using it as a shield/excuses so he doesn't have to face the truth. I may even mention that to him as well.

My point here is, DON'T let your mom tell you who and what you are/look like etc. because it SURE AS HELL isn't who and what you are/look like etc.! Don't let her use those underhanded tactics and try and scare you into submission. BE YOURSELF and be PROUD of who you are! And just remember, she may never except you for who you truly are but it is your choice if you continue to have a relationship with her if she really doesn't accept you for who you are. For me, I've made my choice, which is, either my Dad accepts me or good bye. Maybe that will change someday but only time will tell and I wish you and your family all the best.

Oh and no you aren't making a fool of yourself.

Really appreciate your kind and heartfelt words. Thanx!

Quote from: Sandy on May 15, 2014, 10:38:31 AM
Gina:

I hardly think you are making a fool of yourself.

The fact that your girlfriend refers to you by your preferred name and gender says that she sees you as a woman, regardless of what clothes you hang on your body.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears to refuse to see the obvious.  That she has a beautiful daughter in her life.

As they say, it's what's between your ears and not what's between your legs.

-Sandy

I was talking with my sister about how my girlfriend respects me as a woman and she told me that she would feel  a little offended by it even when I'm not dressed as a woman, so I thought of this post and I told her about it, and she still didn't agree with it 100%. I was telling her that she {my girlfriend} got me a lovely birthday card for my birthday and I wanted to kiss her for it, but she refused and she told me that if she were a lesbian she would accept it, but she's not.  We're just girlfriends.  :)

I don't think that you're making a fool of yourself, it sounds like your mother is trying to decide who you are for you, a position to which she's no more entitled than a random person whom you meet on the street. It sounds like she needs to realise that she doesn't own her children, she only looked after them for a while.

I won't think that you've making a fool of yourself until you have gone sledging on a dry ski slope and crashed painfully up a flight of stairs and into a building... through the open door... twice...

Quote from: Gina Taylor on July 31, 2014, 10:56:10 AM

Quote from: Sandy on May 15, 2014, 10:38:31 AM
Gina:

I hardly think you are making a fool of yourself.

The fact that your girlfriend refers to you by your preferred name and gender says that she sees you as a woman, regardless of what clothes you hang on your body.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears to refuse to see the obvious.  That she has a beautiful daughter in her life.

As they say, it's what's between your ears and not what's between your legs.

-Sandy

I was talking with my sister about how my girlfriend respects me as a woman and she told me that she would feel  a little offended by it even when I'm not dressed as a woman, so I thought of this post and I told her about it, and she still didn't agree with it 100%. I was telling her that she {my girlfriend} got me a lovely birthday card for my birthday and I wanted to kiss her for it, but she refused and she told me that if she were a lesbian she would accept it, but she's not.  We're just girlfriends.  :)

Gina,
You are a lovely lady and your friend knows you are.
Clothes do not make  man nor do they make a woman. Your friend knows you are you - a woman of principle and kindness. She trusts you.

In many of your recent posts I see your strength building and you blossoming. I know so much how you want your Mum to accept you. I see behind many of your posts about her that she does, she is too frightened to acknowledge it.  She is frightened of losing her 'son' and struggling to accept her daughter, it is hard for her - and I think her environment (church, society etc) drive that. She is the one in fear.

Fear of what?

I'm blessed nowadays to help counsel families with trans*kids. The children fully know who they are but their parents struggle, they are often frightened that their child may be rejected, hurt by society. They hide their fear behind a mask. They pray that their child will be 'normal' - it's a parent thing.

Slowly they do accept, even if they cannot understand. What often causes that acceptance is seeing their child happy, they then begin to realise.

Don't give up Hon, never fear.

Walk your path with pride.

Let your happiness shine as the beacon of understanding

Cindy

Gina,

If someone had the opportunity to be with and share their life with their loving child but rejected that child because of how they perceive their child then they are the fool. They fool themselves into thinking if they are persistent or rude or hurtful the "phase" will pass.

Gina, you  have a lot of tact in dealing with hurtful people. You adapt when others are less accepting; you know what and how to be civil to others when they are not to you and you gravitate to those who express acceptance and welcoming. I think you are a beautiful woman.

Quote from: Eris on July 31, 2014, 11:09:00 AM
I don't think that you're making a fool of yourself, it sounds like your mother is trying to decide who you are for you, a position to which she's no more entitled than a random person whom you meet on the street. It sounds like she needs to realise that she doesn't own her children, she only looked after them for a while.

I won't think that you've making a fool of yourself until you have gone sledging on a dry ski slope and crashed painfully up a flight of stairs and into a building... through the open door... twice...

Thank you Eris for your insightful thoughts that I must agree with 100%. Talking with my mother and tying to bring these points to her have almost become as hopeless as leading a horse to water and expecting it to drink. But at least my therapist listen to me and he'll talk with her about it.  ;D

Quote from: Cindy on July 31, 2014, 11:13:28 AM

I was talking with my sister about how my girlfriend respects me as a woman and she told me that she would feel  a little offended by it even when I'm not dressed as a woman, so I thought of this post and I told her about it, and she still didn't agree with it 100%. I was telling her that she {my girlfriend} got me a lovely birthday card for my birthday and I wanted to kiss her for it, but she refused and she told me that if she were a lesbian she would accept it, but she's not.  We're just girlfriends.  :)


Gina,
You are a lovely lady and your friend knows you are.
Clothes do not make  man nor do they make a woman. Your friend knows you are you - a woman of principle and kindness. She trusts you.

In many of your recent posts I see your strength building and you blossoming. I know so much how you want your Mum to accept you. I see behind many of your posts about her that she does, she is too frightened to acknowledge it.  She is frightened of losing her 'son' and struggling to accept her daughter, it is hard for her - and I think her environment (church, society etc) drive that. She is the one in fear.

Fear of what?

I'm blessed nowadays to help counsel families with trans*kids. The children fully know who they are but their parents struggle, they are often frightened that their child may be rejected, hurt by society. They hide their fear behind a mask. They pray that their child will be 'normal' - it's a parent thing.

Slowly they do accept, even if they cannot understand. What often causes that acceptance is seeing their child happy, they then begin to realise.

Don't give up Hon, never fear.

Walk your path with pride.

Let your happiness shine as the beacon of understanding

Cindy

Thank you Cindy for taking such an insightful interest in me. I was very touched by it. You really seem to understand what I'm going through.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 02, 2014, 09:29:48 AM
Gina,

If someone had the opportunity to be with and share their life with their loving child but rejected that child because of how they perceive their child then they are the fool. They fool themselves into thinking if they are persistent or rude or hurtful the "phase" will pass.

Gina, you  have a lot of tact in dealing with hurtful people. You adapt when others are less accepting; you know what and how to be civil to others when they are not to you and you gravitate to those who express acceptance and welcoming. I think you are a beautiful woman.

Thank you as always Cynthia for your kind and heartfelt words. A very good friend has convinced me that he feels that I'm responsible enough that I should be looking after my own finances and I'm seriously looking for my own place  :) Don't need this frustration in my life! ;D

Quote from: Jess42 on May 15, 2014, 10:54:47 AM
Friends and parents are totally two different comparisons. Friends, if they are true friends will for lack of a better word, honor your preferences. Parents on the other hand, they have known you all your life as one gender and switching to the other is just a sort of denial and that image of you she has when you were born, when she was raising you and so on. Doesn't mean she won't eventually come around, doesn't mean that she does not respect you and definately doesn't mean she does not love you. I tend to cut parents a lot of slack in that for so long they knew you as one gender and now that you changed it may take the old image of you sometime for her to change it.

Yeah, I have to second that. It doesn't feel good when your parents don't use the right pronouns, but they hold you in a much higher regard than anyone else, including each other. When you transition past your teens it's just going to be much harder for them to accept everything. Some never will, unfortunately, but if there's a chance that they will then they will. Just be patient and don't snap at them for saying the wrong thing.

Quote from: sororcaeli on August 11, 2014, 08:53:37 AM
Yeah, I have to second that. It doesn't feel good when your parents don't use the right pronouns, but they hold you in a much higher regard than anyone else, including each other. When you transition past your teens it's just going to be much harder for them to accept everything. Some never will, unfortunately, but if there's a chance that they will then they will. Just be patient and don't snap at them for saying the wrong thing.

I agree 100% with both of you. It is so much harder for our parents  to accept us when we've been one gender to them for such a long time and then one day we come in as a new gender to them. At times I think it would be easier if we disappeared all together and then came back a few years later as our new selves.  :)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 13, 2014, 09:48:39 AM
I agree 100% with both of you. It is so much harder for our parents  to accept us when we've been one gender to them for such a long time and then one day we come in as a new gender to them. At times I think it would be easier if we disappeared all together and then came back a few years later as our new selves.  :)

The bolded would just make it worse/harder for them to accept us.

Quote from: Shana-chan on August 13, 2014, 01:29:52 PM

Quote from: Gina TaylorAt times I think it would be easier if we disappeared all together and then came back a few years later as our new selves.

The bolded would just make it worse/harder for them to accept us.

That reminds me of a book by Clive Barker called The Thief of Always. The main character, 10-year-old Harvey Swick, runs off with a mysterious man to a place called The Holiday House where all our biggest holidays happen every day along with every season. When he manages to find his way back to the real world, and runs home, it's been 31 years — a year for every day he was gone — and his parents are in complete denial that he's standing right there, still 10 years old. So Harvey realizes he can't ever go home again, and must return to The Holiday House to destroy the evil behind it.

Too much change, after having been gone for years, has only got to be more devastating. So you just have to tough it out, and over time it will become easier and easier for others to get used to the changes. That's the optimistic way of looking at it, anyway.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 13, 2014, 09:48:39 AM
I agree 100% with both of you. It is so much harder for our parents  to accept us when we've been one gender to them for such a long time and then one day we come in as a new gender to them. At times I think it would be easier if we disappeared all together and then came back a few years later as our new selves.   :)

Take it from me. That does not work. If anything it exacerbates the so called problem. And then the people that will be looking for you getting law enforcement involved and so on. They don't take it very lightly when someone ups and disappears and they spend all the time and effort looking for them just to find out they had to get away. If ever you disappear, make sure you tell your folks that you are moving or something along those lines. And write letters at least letting them know you are OK. Of course the looks on their faces would be priceless after HRT and or SRS and you show up on the doorstep. Sorry Gina, just a little twisted humor from me there. :-\

I left home after highschool and told everyone I was gonna' see the world, I told them not to worry but I probably wasn't going to write or call. Went to LA and lived there for a while. Came back to my home state and lived north of my family and kind of went wild for a while and long about five years later and in the military, my CO told me that I needed to write my mom. They will always find you, Hell they found me half a world away through the Red Cross. So... It is just really hard if not impossible to disappear in the world especially today.

My mother told me today, "You know, the hardest thing for me do is not being able to call you 'son'. I guess I can just call you 'sweetheart'."

We kind of discussed things a bit, but it was really difficult for me to explain myself. I'm not very good with speaking my thoughts. I don't know what she is expecting me to do in transition. I'm not interested in usual women's attire or activities, but that doesn't mean I don't resonate with the feminine or don't know in my core that I'm misaligned. It seems many cis people have a preconceived notion about being trans, and although my mom is very open and accepting she still seems to be a bit oblivious. So, I ended up writing an extremely long email detailing everything from childhood to the moment I came to terms with and embraced the reality of who I am. I haven't sent it yet, though. It might be a bit too much in one go. Maybe I'll use it as reference the next time I visit.

Quote from: sororcaeli on August 13, 2014, 01:52:48 PM
The bolded would just make it worse/harder for them to accept us.

That reminds me of a book by Clive Barker called The Thief of Always. The main character, 10-year-old Harvey Swick, runs off with a mysterious man to a place called The Holiday House where all our biggest holidays happen every day along with every season. When he manages to find his way back to the real world, and runs home, it's been 31 years — a year for every day he was gone — and his parents are in complete denial that he's standing right there, still 10 years old. So Harvey realizes he can't ever go home again, and must return to The Holiday House to destroy the evil behind it.

Too much change, after having been gone for years, has only got to be more devastating. So you just have to tough it out, and over time it will become easier and easier for others to get used to the changes. That's the optimistic way of looking at it, anyway.

I remember that book and how much I enjoyed it, but you are right, by changing too much can be quite hurtful and painful, so I will tough it out and will gradually let others adapt to the changes that are happening to me. At least friends are more prone to these changes than my family are.